Chapter 92.

Dean tried not to look at the others too much. He was enjoying eating with them, he generally did, but he knew that everyone was giving far too much thought to his relationship with Anael.

At least they were all on the same page now. His talk with Cas had made him sure of that. There might still be a few ruffled feathers there, an emotion or two that troubled Cas, but was not anything he could put into words, even in his own head, but his support for them was real and heartfelt and Dean was in no position to criticise vague and unspoken feelings of ambivalence. He was himself ambivalent.

Except when he looked at her, seeing her laugh with her good friends and knowing that the laugh she shared with him was a little different in tone. Or when he thought of their few nights together and the way her body seemed to fit so perfectly with his, snuggling against his chest and embracing him with strong and slender arms.

There was a certainty then that it was right, that he had a right to want that. He thought of the way he felt, falling asleep with her beside him, unspooked by her unsleeping gaze. Even as a memory, a mere thought, it was soothing and the ache in his chest that had been a constant in his life was eased by it. One of these days, it might even fade away altogether.

The arguments against it ran through his head on their well-used tracks. Not one of them had gone away. Not one was proven false. All were valid. All were as true as ever and nothing like this had ever worked out for him in the past.

He glanced at Cas, then quickly looked away, aware that his thoughts were too clear in his eyes and afraid that they might cross the mind link. Cas didn't seem to notice.

Sam had, though and he had the uncomfortable feeling that Sam had read him like a book. "What?" he said, hoping that would face him down.

"What what?" said Sam.

"Nothing." said Dean. It had been a mistake. Cas was now all attention. "Ignore me." he said, but he knew Cas was now even more concerned.

Sarah had warned them both that he would have doubts. She knew him well. She never called him all the names he wanted to call himself. She knew his reasons too. She knew almost as much of what he had gone through as Sam and Cas and with her, he was less good at pretending that none of it mattered. Not that post-Pact Dean was entirely able to fool either of the others.

He thought of all her advice, not asking him not to have doubts, an impossible demand, but urging him not to let those doubts destroy everything. He had stared down archangels and a god or two. He should be able to overcome his own intrusive thoughts, but as Cas had often pointed out, his most ruthless enemy was himself.

"You've only had a couple of pieces." said Anael, "Are you okay?"

"Good point." he said, "Give me that box there, please."

She did and he took another slice. He winked at her and she smiled. He liked that he got that response. She was beautiful. She was funny. She was sexy as Hell and as strong-willed as he was, which in Sam, was an annoyance, in Cas a provocation, but in Anael, it was just hot.

He loved her and he knew he loved her. Everyone in the frickin' room knew he loved her because even he couldn't hide it. Not when he lit up like a flamethrower when she flashed him a smile.

He wished it could be simple. He wished his dumb brain would stop issuing paradoxical objections. She's an angel. He couldn't love an angel. Any such pairing was obviously doomed to fail. He only had to think about Michael and he recoiled from her touch and he would grow old and die and she would be forever as she was now.

But then he hated the thought of the one thing that would fix all that. She wanted to be human. They could live together as a normal human couple and he would live the rest of his life knowing that she had lost everything for him, that he had Winchestered another angel.

"The very touch of you corrupts!" that bitch angel had yelled at him and she had been wrong about so much, but not about that.

"Why her?" said Cas quietly in his head, "Why now?"

"It's nothing." Dean replied, hoping nobody else would know they were speaking mind to mind.

"Dean?" said Cas.

"Angel stuff." he said.

"Clearly, but why that angel? Why now? Why those words? She was wrong."

"Cas, you know she wasn't wrong."

"You know she was."

"What if she was right?" said Dean, "How can I justify …"

"No!" said Cas, "If she becomes the reason you end things with Anael, I'll obliterate her."

"Can you even do that? I mean, won't Jack object?"

"She hasn't been resurrected yet. I don't think he would have a problem with it."

"He hates unnecessary killing." said Dean.

"There's nothing unnecessary about it, if she's causing harm to you."

Dean lowered his head to hide his smile. "Sometimes, Cas, you scare me."

"Sometimes," said Cas, "I scare myself. I would burn universes for you."

"You know I wouldn't want that, right?" said Dean.

"Dean?" said Anael.

He looked up and abruptly closed the link. "Yeah?" he said, sounding as casual as he could.

"You seemed a little distant." she said,

"Just savouring my pizza." he said, taking another bite.

"It's good to savour everything." said Cas, "Life's joys are precious."

"Yeah, they are." said Dean.

They all wanted him to have those joys. They wanted him to have a life beyond hunting, the same life as he wanted for them. Every person in that room was entirely on his side and any and all of them would listen for hours if he ever decided he needed to talk it through. Sam and Cas in particular kept trying. He could call Bobby and wear his ears out. He had all the support he would ever need.

Even so, the best he could manage was repeating, "I'm fine." and he was. By the standards of a difficult life, he was better than fine. Since Lisa, he hadn't imagined he could ever be in a real relationship. Civilians knew too little, hunters knew too much and neither deserved the hardships and horrors a life with him would bring, Even for him, there had to be a limit to the number of loved ones he could carry to a pyre without breaking.

He thought of Charlie, cold and heavy in his arms, then the heat of the fire, the smell of carbonised flesh. He blinked back tears before the others could see them and wonder how bad the pizza must be. He reminded himself that Charlie was alive. She didn't even hate him. He would have. He did He shook himself out of it. It wasn't the time.

He had long ago given up any hope of love, so suddenly finding it was fantastic and a reason to celebrate. So now, when he said, "I'm fine." it was a statement of fact. It was the truth. Yet it felt like a lie and a cowardly one.

"What's funny?" said Anael, letting him know that his expression had slipped into a smile.

"I was thinking how dumb Winchesters are." he said, the truth, if not the whole truth.

"None of the ones I know are." said Jules.

"Any Winchester in particular?" said Sam and Dean could tell he didn't believe for a second that he was being accused.

Cas was watching him closely again. For a moment, he wanted to just start talking and maybe never stop, but it was against his nature and probably a bad idea. He didn't need to parade his doubts in front of Anael, when she already felt he was less committed than he should be. There was no point in shaking the foundations when he was supposed to be building on them.

"It's been a long day." he said.

"Did Dad say something?" said Sam.

"No. Give the guy a break. He's not responsible for every thought in my head."

"Am I to blame for this one?" said Anael.

"All the thoughts you put in there are good thoughts." he said.

In response, she put her hand on his forearm a small, inconsequential gesture, but he felt about a thousand times better. "I love you." she said.

She said that a lot and she meant it and she had no idea how good it made him feel. "And there you go again, filling my head with good thoughts." he said.