Chapter 93.

The pizza tasted of chemistry to Anael and not the fun kind that she shared with Dean each night. She knew that in theory, all the ingredients should combine in to a harmonious and satisfying whole, but they didn't. She could separate out each individual atom.

Normally, it didn't bother her. For most of her time on Earth, she'd accepted that she would perceive things differently, because of her celestial nature and she was fine with it, but now, with every day that went by, her longing to leave all that behind grew stronger and she felt actual disgust for everything in her that was not human..

The humans were all enjoying their pizza and Castiel gave every sign of enjoying it too, though he must have the same perception as her. She wanted to ask him how he dealt with it, but that would serve to remind everyone, including herself, that she wasn't human. It wasn't even a consistent problem. Earlier, eating in Sarah's kitchen, she had not been aware of it, but maybe there, Sarah's kindness had held her attention more than the food, just as, at the zoo, she had not had much focus to spare for the quality of the food.

She told herself it was temporary, as Bobby had said, She was no angel, but a potential human. She had some fear that she would fail to convince Jack, but it was a fear stirred up by the magnitude of the prize, not because she was struggling not to use her powers. In truth, they disgusted her a lot more than the food. She felt no temptation to use them and Dean, to his credit, never asked her to. However much he hated her plans, he would not sabotage her.

She drank some of her beer. That was better, not so grainy in texture as the food and the alcohol, though it had no other effect, seemed to bring the whole thing together in a more coherent way. It tasted of beer, not molecules.

To get through her next slice of pizza, she focused on Dean. Not on his eyes, which he would notice, but on his right hand, which curled around his beer bottle as he lifted it to his lips. His hands were strong and she wouldn't call them soft, but they were gentle when they touched her and dextrous too. She envied the bottle as his tongue crept out to meet the neck.

He set the bottle down again, looked at her and winked. She didn't fully understand the gesture, but it still made her feel lightheaded.

"This is good," he said, "All of us together."

"Yes." she said. It seemed positive to her, but Sam looked doubtful. She trusted his instincts about Dean far more than her own, but it was hardly a situation where she could ask what bothered him. Instead, she flashed a look to Eileen, who always seemed to notice subtle cues.

Eileen, her dearest friend, looked at Dean and said, "Family time, huh? Can't beat it."

"Very true." he said.

"It's good to be with the ones who know you. You never need to put on an act."

"But you do anyway." said Dean, "It's a hunter thing."

"Mostly a Winchester thing." said Eileen.

"You're a Winchester too." he reminded her.

"Yeah. That's how I know."

He looked at Anael with a question in his eyes that she couldn't interpret. After a while he said, very quietly to Eileen, "Not much of an act, today. I'm genuinely fine."

"Only fine?" she said.

"Let's not tempt fate. I've done that before and it did not go well."

From the sideways looks both Sam and Castiel were giving her, Anael suspected they thought he was holding back for her sake. She got up to leave.

"Where are you going?" said Dean.

"Nowhere." she said, not certain whether she should go or not.

"Good. Stay here. If the hot one leaves, I have to leave."

"We could leave in order of hotness," said Sam, "Then you could stay a long, long, long time."

"You wanna pick a fight now, when I have a lady to impress?" said Dean.

Despite her worries, Anael was pleased. "Do you want to impress me?" she said.

He chuckled. "From anyone else who looked like you, that would be a pretty obvious ploy."

"But it's Anael," said Jules, "And angels don't play those games."

"Oh, they have others." said Dean with a glance at Castiel that seemed involuntary and was rapidly withdrawn. He looked at Anael, his eyes compelling. "Sit, please." he said.

She sat down again. It seemed important to him.

Sam's phone rang. "Charlie." he told them, then answered it, "Hey Charlie, how's it going?" He laughed softly at her reply and said, "You don't have a curfew, kid. Just have a good time."

Everyone else's attention was on the call, but Anael turned hers to Dean when he whispered, "I know I'm messing with your mind. It's not something I'm trying to do."

"It's okay," she whispered back, "And it's okay if you want to talk to them … about anything."

"I don't," he said, "But I know I should be talking to you a lot more."

"We talk." she said, afraid that he was right that they didn't talk enough. She had no frame of reference for that.

"You feel like going out topside?" he said.

She nodded. Communicating or not, she wanted to be wherever he was.

He stood and she followed suit. "Give our love to Charlie and Lydia," he said, "We're going out for a breath of air."

"Okay." said Sam. She was surprised that he asked no questions.

She let Dean lead the way to the trees above the bunker. He crouched down, leaning against the trunk of a tree and she did the same opposite.

"It's not about you." he said.

"Got it. Not me." she said. It seemed important to keep responses brief. Less room to screw them up.

"Talking to Sarah was okay," he said, "And Dad was okay …for Dad. And he has no problem with you and me together. I meant what I said. He's happy for us." He seemed to lose focus on her and repeated mostly to himself, "He's happy for us."

She didn't know what to say or how to help him say what he was trying to. There was no Eileen here to help her. She looked into his eyes and gently prompted "But?"

He smiled at her and she wished she could read those Winchester smiles as easily as Eileen and Charlie did.

"I don't know who I am to him." he said, "To any of them. I don't even know who I wanna be to them, or to you. I tried to be useful, my whole life, to be the one they can all rely on, to keep them safe."

"According to Sam, you've done that." she said.

He fell silent and she suppressed the urge to say more. She didn't understand. She couldn't, but she desperately wanted to.

He laughed quietly. "This is stupid. You don't understand emotions and I can't express them, so why the Hell do I wanna tell you this stuff?"

"Maybe, if you tell me, I'll learn." she said.

He seemed to shudder. "I don't want you learning about me. I don't want you knowing … " She expected a lost of his worst qualities again, but instead he said, "I've tried never to be needy. It's not your job to fix me."

"You ever made me feel that it was," she said, "But I don't want to fix you. There's nothing to fix. I want to love you. I want to listen to you. Maybe it'll help. Even if it doesn't, it has to bring us closer together."

"You heard all the stuff Sarah said."

"I heard her say I need to listen to you, because you need that."

It took a while for him to answer, then he gave a single nod and said, "Yes, I do." That seemed to bring him to a decision and he began really to talk. "Being around Dad, it always brings up stuff I thought was gone. I love the guy. He's my Dad. Taught me pretty much everything I know, but growing up around him was hard. He didn't tolerate mistakes and he had good reason not to … I mean, we'd be dead a dozen times over if he'd been a little more lax ... "

"But only perfection was good enough." she suggested, "So you were never able to accept failure … any failure."

"Maybe you don't have much to learn after all." he said.

"Same in Heaven." she said, "I personally think it's why so many angels went crazy."

"Maybe it's why I did." he said, "I spend an hour with him and I remember every time I ever let him down and believe me, they go on long after his death and that brings me to every time I'very let Sam down and Cas and Jack and you."

"I tried to kill you, so I'm still winning there." she said.

"It makes me think I can never be what any of you want me to be." he said.

She got up and sat down again beside him. She took his right hand in both of hers and said, "What if all we want you to be is you?"

He laughed a little bitterly. "Then you're all screwed, because I'm not sure I know who that is anymore."

She squeezed his hand, making sure to keep the pressure light. "I do. Sam does. We can help."

"I can't ask for help." he said, "Never could."

"Isn't the whole point of family that you don't need to ask?" she said.