Chapter 98.

Although he wished Bobby and Charlie could have been there too, Sam was enjoying the drama-free family time. Maybe they all looked at Dean a little more than they should and with more awareness of his mood than was usual, but nobody around the room was tortured and nobody was hiding anything.

Well, okay, they were all hiding a lot less than usual. Step by step, they were finding their feet in a world where very little was actively stacked against them. They talked about the future as if it could be hoped to extend more than a few months. A few times, Dean referred to his girlfriend, a term he had almost never used of any woman.

Jules was, as usual, paying a lot of attention to Cas. She could read his moods in a way none of them had ever been able to, but Sam knew she still worried about what was happening behind his eyed.

Sam worried about him too, especially given his original reaction to seeing Anael and Dean together. Paradoxical anger, cloaking deep insecurities and fears, Sam told himself that was an angel thing, but mostly, it was a Winchester thing. Cas said it wasn't jealousy and it wasn't, just as Dean's youthful outbursts had not been driven by fear that Sam's rebellious nature would cause a rift between Dean and their father, but that fear had been there and Cas, whether he could see it or not, had a powerful, paralysing fear that Anael would cease to be the spare angel and he would take her place.

Insane, of course. Nothing and no-one could replace their angel brother, but angels had no experience of unconditional love and no expectation of it. Neither Cas nor Anael felt able to take any love for granted and Dean tended to show less, not more than he felt.

Sam believed the main reason for Cas's strong feelings was exactly what he claimed. He loved them both and feared anything that could bring them pain. He and Dean were alike in that, so protective of those they loved that they could be controlling, even smothering. They didn't mean to be and hated when they became aware of it, but however hard they tried, that urge to protect at all costs was never fully suppressed.

It was ironic that each hated it in the other. Each became angry and frustrated at the other's control-freakery. Each felt outraged that the other felt they needed protection. He wished they could talk it out, but every time it arose, tempers flared and rational discussion left the building. Maybe they were afraid to discuss it. Dean, of course, had his own fear that all love was conditional.

And so did Sam. He knew it. He had only discovered how deeply those scars ran when faced with a love that made him feel truly secure. Eileen could read him like a book and she had seen early on that he was constantly far more afraid than he could ever show. She was an orphan too. She got him on every level. She had been afraid to believe in his love and she knew how much he needed to be assured of hers.

A manipulative person could have used that. She could have made him prove his worth again and again, but she never had. Instead, she had been honest with him, showing her own uncertainties and allowing him, for the first time, to express his own.

Jules seemed to have done the same for Cas. No games, no cruel questions he would struggle to understand, just a willingness to listen and gentle acceptance of all the kinks and curve balls of a damaged psyche. She made no demands, but was simply there, to hear the things he said and the things he couldn't.

Sam and Cas were healing, slowly, even finding ways to grow. Sam had thought he could never be a father. Their lives had been too dangerous, but that was an excuse. Deep down, he had felt broken, toxic, unable to be a source of love and support. Jack had helped a little with that, showing him that he had something to offer a child, but Eileen had helped more. Now, he knew he could love their child and she had modelled for him how to show that love, not in strength, but in a confession of weakness, not as some unbreakable ideal, but as a friend, to whom a child could expose their own flaws without fear.

He loved his father and always would, but it was a great comfort to him that he was certain he would never say to his child the hasty words that had so often broken his own heart. Eileen had saved him. His whole family had saved him. He and Cas were good, at least compared to where they had been.

Which only underlined the exception, Dean. It wasn't that he hadn't changed. He had. In fact, his development might have been the greatest of all, but the burdens he had carried his whole life were still there and he still talked as if only their future mattered. Sam hoped that he would find the same salvation they had, in his love for Anael.

He remembered Dean obsessing over every detail of the wedding, determined to give Eileen whatever she wanted and warning Sam not to back out, not to screw up his chance to be happy. He had always understood it. Dean would always feel responsible for those around him. That had always made perfect sense and had made him tolerant of the micromanagement, but now he knew he was the same way about Dean and Anael.

Nothing could be more dangerous to them than outside interference, however well-intentioned, but with Dean's happiness on the horizon, he felt a powerful need to do anything he could to help. Winchester help tended to come with battle and blood, devil's traps and salt rounds and it was surprisingly hard to control the urge to fight for his brother, even when there was no enemy in sight. He made himself do it, tried to exude serene acceptance of whatever happened, but there were times when the effort was exhausting. Eileen could see it. He hoped the others couldn't.

If he felt tense, Dean seemed very relaxed. He seemed younger, around Anael, as if some of the years of pain had fallen away. Maybe he wasn't fully healed yet and maybe he never would be, but while she was close and she was staying very close to him, he looked better. She was good for him.

Anael put her hand on Dean's arm and said, "I'm going to our room."

He caught her hand. "You want me to come with you?"

"No. I need a little time to get ready." She smiled conspiratorially at Eileen, who nodded and smiled back.

Dean seemed to consider that and then smirked. "Sounds good. I'll swing by in a while." He squeezed her hand and let it go. As she reached the doorway, he said, "That, Sammy, is a chassis to make a Chevy jealous."

Anael turned and smiled. "From anyone else …" she began.

"Yeah, but you know how I feel about that car."

"I do, so you're forgiven." She left the room.

"I know it's dumb," said Dean, "But I'm sick of being wise."

"When was that?" said Sam, "I must've missed it." He had to keep it light, or Dean would know the thousand things he was thinking.

"Hey, not nice!" said Dean. He looked in the direction Anael had gone. "It works or it doesn't. Sometimes, you just have to throw the dice."

"Yeah, you do." said Sam. It was nothing, just something to say, but the look Dean gave him told him it was exactly what he needed to hear. In some small, inconsequential way, he could help his brother.

The End.

Next Story: Human Error.