So one of the earliest books I read in quarantine of last summer was Grendel's Guide to Love and War (a recommendation from BewareTheFandom) and out of everything I've read, it's one of my favourites. This chapter is, as the title says, an ode to that book.
This chapter is the Camp SHIELD prank war we've all been waiting for.
Year Three: An Ode to Grendel
Camp SHIELD - 2:59 AM
James wakes abruptly when he hears his cabin door swing open and crash against the wall. He pokes up and hears his cadets stirring to see the commotion. When the main lights by the door turn on, James' eyes adjust and he sees Beatrice, Serena, and Conrad enter. James sits straight and his cadets speak in hushed whispers with each other as the three counsellors approach James, covered head-to-toe in different coloured patches of powder.
"Shit…" James mutters as they stand beside his bed. "I just woke up. What happened?"
"Prank war," Serena states through gritted teeth. "It started."
"With that?" James asks unimpressed. "Colour bombs? That's harmless. Are you sure your own cadets didn't get revenge?"
"Remember how we planned to attack Operations after they screwed with their cadets?" Beatrice asks rhetorically. "Well, turns out that Operations didn't prank their cadets because they enlisted them. They all broke our windows by bombing us. Our cadets would never join forces with us now because they hate us."
James narrows his eyes. "He broke Camp tradition … or an unspoken tradition. Fuck Xavier for being a good person."
"Seems like he skipped your cabin," Conrad says since James's cabin is spot free.
James smiles. "Thank god Xavier's a good person."
"Or because this," he gestures to their colour explosion, "was a message for you."
James nods because that does sound like a Xavier move. "Fuck. Oh, I have an idea."
"Oh god…" Serena groans.
James reaches into his bag beside his nightstand and pulls out a pen and notepad he accidentally snagged from Daniel's desk while packing. Hopefully, Daniel didn't have anything written in it that wasn't important. He mutters to himself as he scribbles across the sheet, smiling as he rips it from the pad and passes it to them. The cadets continue whispering in anticipation as Serena, Conrad, and Beatrice go over James's plan.
Their faces are a mix of horrified and confused.
"A concrete idea with a touch of Hymenoptera," James says, loving a pun the others didn't catch yet. "You're lucky I'm also an Operations cadet because I know their schedule. It's how I survived freshman year prank free."
"Is that the chemical formula for what I think it is?" Beatrice asks as she reads James's scribble, a small grin tickling its way onto her lips.
James nods. "A concrete idea. Handle that now since Operations probably called it a night. I'll handle the Hymenoptera when it's time."
-o-
Xavier awoke this morning proud of Operations' first attack on Sci-Tech since they didn't see it coming. He didn't ask where the colour bombs came from but he suspects one of the Operations faculty members on-site packed them for the prank war. It was a light start to what will be a long day. He and the other Operations counsellors and cadets enjoyed seeing most of Sci-Tech with stained hair and uniforms.
It was a strategy Xavier and his fellow counsellors developed to test the waters. They'll have Sci-Tech make the first big move and see what limits they're willing to cross, or if they'll continue to tread lightly.
They stand to the side of the mud fields which was set up in lanes for the cadets to military crawl through under a ceiling of barbed wire. As Xavier and the others discuss, they're interrupted by the head agents blowing their whistles and the cadets screaming.
Xavier and the other counsellors look over and see the cadets panicking from within the mud plot. It's not mud.
"Sci-Tech…" Xavier grumbles as they rush over to help.
"How did they make a field of slow-drying cement?" Priya screams as she reaches forwards to pull a cadet out. "With nobody seeing them and the cement not already drying?"
It's cement somehow made to look like mud, down to the lines dividing the lanes. Cadets stuck inside the drill are trudging through before they're stuck. Some boots are left and training uniforms were torn from the adhesive and the barbed wire. Exposed skin is stained and scratched. Those on the outside reach in, crawl back in to help.
"Incoming!" Joseph yells.
Xavier looks and the cement gets worse because James called in a swarm of what looks to be wasps. His face drops and his mind shifts to an emergency. Forget beating the cement, they have to beat the wasps.
"Run!" Xavier screams.
The wasps beat them to it. Cadets are screaming, swatting their arms in every direction. Xavier squints his eyes before crouching in and pulling out some cadets.
"Get the barbed wire!" Rowan yells as she points the cadets in which direction to run.
Xavier doesn't hesitate. He grabs a part of it with his hands and tears it from the ground, throwing it over his head like a towel. Cadets and counsellors nearby dive out of the way. His hands are stinging and bleeding as he wipes it on his uniform. Red streaks decorate his bright blue counsellor windbreaker, face, and hair. He knows he angered some wasps but he doesn't care since he's pissed. If he gets stung, he hopes a part of James dies on the inside.
Now everyone's staring at him in shock as wasps swirl around them, enveloping them on the concrete lot.
"I said run!" Xavier screams at them like a military general barking orders. "Get to the med bay!"
Nobody hesitates before fleeing. Even the counsellors almost ran but stopped when they remembered they were in charge with him. They follow Xavier's lead and step out onto the cement to save the remaining cadets. It was dry enough so they could tread across it like a sidewalk but still moldable enough to pry out the cadets.
Xavier had one cadet thrown over his shoulder and another two in his arms like duffel bags. He looks over at the field and sees that Joseph, Priya, and Rowan got the rest. He puts his cadets down at the side and tends to their immediate issues before they're clear to go.
Once the cement field has dried up and is empty, with grooves and scratches of where cadets were stuck and struggling to escape, the wasps dispersed into the sky.
Xavier exhales, running his hands through his hair before collapsing on the ground with his other counsellors. They're drained and should go to the Camp clinic once all their cadets cleared out. He glances at the time on his phone and it's only been 20 minutes.
20. Minutes.
"If anyone was allergic and stung, we're suing," Joseph grumbles.
"I don't think we can sue on Campgrounds," Priya responds. "Besides, I doubt wasps have jurisdiction."
"Christ, Xavier," Rowan exhales. "I didn't think you had that in you."
"I don't give a fucking shit if James is my friend and sleeping with my sister!" Xavier yells, his body still fuming. "I'm killing him."
-o-
Still scratched up and traumatized by the cement field and wasp infestation, Operations' counsellors waited a few days before making their next move. They spent days behind cabins deliberating and strategizing. Sci-Tech wouldn't dare make a move before their retaliation.
They figured that if James could get wildlife, why couldn't they?
And they're in Ohio wilderness.
While the cadets continue their drills on the campgrounds, Xavier and the other counsellors entered the forest beyond camp borders. They climbed some paths, thrashed through trees, and entered a plateau where another open field was straight ahead. The four of them crouch behind some rocks along the break of the forest.
"We should get something like a bear or even a hog," Priya suggests.
"Do they even have wild hogs here?" Joseph asks.
"One of my friends told me that Ohio's feral swine got here in two ways: escaping farms or hunting preserves, or being illegally released for hunting," Xavier informs before getting strange looks.
" … why do you know that?"
"Orchid Vermillion says a lot of random things."
"Look!" Rowan exclaims.
She points ahead. Coming out of the forest and into the open field is a wild hog. Behind the leader hog are two more. Xavier and the others are silent, paralyzed on the spot as they watch the animals trek.
"Get them, Xavier," Priya encourages, patting his shoulder.
"Me?" Xavier questions.
"You're a big, tough man so why are you acting like a coward?"
Xavier is offended. He only asked. He figured that if anyone on his team would get the hogs, it'd be him. Besides, he's the only one who could truly outrun them.
"I'll go back to Camp and warn our campers," Priya says as she starts walking back. "Code phrase, program meeting."
"You just don't want to deal with the feral hogs," Joseph responds.
"Any advice from Orchid Vermillion is deadly, animal-related or not but it usually is."
Priya takes some of their bait, crackers and peanut butter, and samples it. They managed to sneak some from Camp's kitchen early in the morning before breakfast. She goes down one path as Joseph and Rowan do the same in different directions, leaving a trail back to Camp. They had their cadets handle the business down there and they happily complied after not being pranked on by their counsellors and wanting revenge on Sci-Tech, especially after the cement-wasp catastrophe. Xavier, now wearing his counsellor windbreaker that's smothered in peanut butter, jumps over the rocks and walks towards the feral hogs to get their attention.
This is a stupid, stupid idea.
Xavier whistles as loud as he could, piercing through nature's silence. He looks ahead and sees three sets of dark, beady, soulless eyes staring at him. He doesn't have time to process before he's already turning around running from them.
"Rowan, Priya, Joseph, run!" Xavier screams as he sprints down the path.
Behind him, branches are cracking with loud squeals. There are more than three hogs following him and the other counsellors now. Worth it. Xavier glances back and there's a hoard of wild pigs, dark bristly fur with snotty noses, feral and pissed. He turns back around and catches up to Rowan. He grabs her by the shoulders and they dive to the side. They fall through a bush and hear the stampede of hogs pass.
"Fuck this plan…" Rowan grumbles, smiling.
"I saved you from those things!" Xavier yells.
"If you saved us, then why are we going to die?"
They get back on their feet run in different directions, confusing the pigs. By the time they get back to Camp, the pigs have already torn through at top speed.
-o-
James was having a nice day. He gave his cabin some advice on their dissertations despite not completing his and some tips on certain profs and their classes. He had a warm shower, ate a delicious meal, chatted with some agents - he was having a great day at Camp, which was something he never thought he'd say.
And it all went to shit when feral pigs entered Camp premises from the forest.
He should've known since nobody ever has a good day at Camp.
"Of course…" James mutters.
James runs outside as agents from all programs scream orders at each other. They should be prepared to encounter wildlife since they're in the wilderness but apparently not.
"Don't kill it!" One agent yells.
"I don't think we can kill it!" Another screams back.
They're screwed. James should hide somewhere, preferably back in his cabin but he's in charge and sees a lot of his cadets running and screaming for their lives. He runs out onto the field and examines the situation. Hogs are running wild but they're only chasing Sci-Tech cadets. Communications cadets are wary but the hogs don't pay any attention to them while there are no Operations cadets on site. Instead, he sees Xavier and his fellow counsellors at the edge of the forest, watching this shit-show go down with psychopathic glee on their faces.
"Rogers…" James grumbles as he runs out there. He doesn't know how Xavier did it, but maybe Orchid taught him how to brainwash pigs.
James looks around and sees the hogs running amuck. He tries to find his fellow counsellors but they're probably hiding somewhere (which he couldn't blame). He wasn't sure what to do since he fell asleep during all his strategizing classes but he was positive none of them had a pig unit.
When James sees a kid about to get cornered, he lights up his fists and fires at it, grazing the animal. The pig turns to him and grunts, scratching the ground with its hoof and getting ready to charge like a bull. James runs for a bit but when the hog catches up and swings its tusks, he shrinks and lies on the grass in a fetal position.
His tiny body bounces when the pig runs over him and he's relieved that he wasn't squashed. With his face pressed against his jacket, he inhales sharply and something's off. It smells like corn. How didn't he notice that earlier?
James grows back to his normal size and sits on the grassy field amid the chaos. He sniffs the collar of his jacket, where he would usually spray his cologne and it hits him. It's his cologne but mixed with corn, or corn oil, more likely. Upon seeing his cadets continue to be chased by feral hogs, he realizes that Operations must've infused corn oil in their shampoos, soaps, laundry detergent, cologne. Hell, maybe even their drinking water.
James balls his hands into fists as he looks at Xavier. He doesn't give a fuck if Xavier's his friend and girlfriend's twin brother. He messed with his cologne. He's a dead man.
-o-
The feral hog episode was traumatizing. When the pigs were still running wild, all the cadets were ordered inside while the agents dealt with them. It took a lot of icers and peanut butter but Camp was safe again - or as safe as it could be. They're still at Camp amid a growing and brutal prank war.
Everyone was in lockdown for the rest of the night … which gave James and his fellow counsellors a good amount of time to plan their next move. They could hear Communications snickering and Operations celebrating.
"We don't have a lot of time left," Beatrice says. All the Sci-Tech counsellors sit on the floor in James' cabin. They did their best to clean themselves after the pig attack but there was only so much one could do when everything smelled like corn. "We need to do something big."
"I think I have something but I'll need your help to make it work."
James grabs Daniel's notepad and starts sketching something out, explaining the steps along the way. Once the others caught on, they started chipping in. That's the beauty of Sci-Tech, everyone knows different things about different fields and his other counsellors have completed PhDs. James came up with creating a possible earthquake while Conrad and Serena handled the technical aspects and Beatrice inserted geological principles they'll have to follow for this to work.
So far, they plan to use the Camp's speakers and run wires along the fault lines above ground. They'll blast some vibrations to induce seismic activity and alter the stress against said fault lines.
"Do you think that'll work?" James asks with an evil grin.
"All I'm saying is that the best ideas will survive whatever mess your mind is," Conrad responds.
James is excited. Nothing is better than that giddy feeling he gets when he's psyched about something. It's exciting because it's all potential. He'll start to wonder if the idea was as good as he thought and start to see the holes and issues … oh well.
"Hey, I only take orders from myself," James states.
"Then how are you still alive?" Beatrice wonders.
James shrugs. "I asked that during Camp the first time and as I've said, Romeo and Juliet love child of the Academy."
"We don't have enough electricity for this," Serena says, going over the details.
James cracks his knuckles. " … I got that covered."
-o-
The next morning, everyone thought the hogs were bad but then the ground started shaking. Agents were yelling orders at each other as things were falling off of shelves. Like with the hogs, they didn't know what was happening and the chaos was only growing by the second.
Xavier was in the indoor workout when it started. After getting pummelled by medicine balls and needing to punch flying weights off a tilted shelf to save some cadets, he had enough. How was that room not earthquake proof?
Xavier runs out onto the field, keeping his balance on the shaking ground. The moment he spots James, they lock eyes and walk up to each other.
"Were you busy?" James asks him with a playful grin on his face.
"No, actually, I cleared out some time to deal with this!"
James' face puckers sarcastically. "How sweet of you. If only I knew about the hogs in advance so I could've done the same."
Xavier scoffs. "You would've still gotten trampled."
James doesn't know what came over him at that moment. Maybe it was revenge for his now-contaminated corn-scented cologne combined with his earthquake shaking his brain against his skull, but he punches Xavier right across the face.
It takes James a few seconds to process that he did that. Hell, even Xavier looks confused.
James knows he has no chance when Xavier attacks him because Xavier used to roughhouse with Angela and Apollo. He survived Apollo going light on him. James couldn't even take a friendly pat on the back from the demigod without having his life flash before his eyes. For a second, James wonders if Apollo would've teamed with him if he was at Camp, but of course, Apollo would side with Xavier. Literally everyone would side with Xavier ... except maybe Emily and Daniel but that's besides the point.
James hasn't fought people outside of combat classes, let alone Xavier but it's weird to do so now that they have all their training and he's sleeping with Angela. He wouldn't be surprised if Xavier kills him on the spot.
James ducks and shrinks when Xavier retaliates with another punch. James flies around and grows back to normal size on Xavier's back. He grabs Xavier in a chokehold, tightening his grasp as much as he can to send Xavier down by lurching his weight forwards. As James expected, Xavier grabbed his arm and threw James over his head like a rag doll. Mid-air, James shrinks again to gain control with his wings but as he grows back, Xavier leaps in the air and kicks him in the chest.
Unexpected, James flies back and crashes through a cabin window. He stumbles on the ground and since the earthquake was still pulsating, belongings fall on him. James squirms, shrinking to fly out. He peers out the window and sees Xavier coming his way. Seeing miscellaneous items scattered around him, he reaches into his pocket for his Pym particle discs. He's grateful he packed these for Camp.
Enlarged books, water bottles, boots were launched in Xavier's direction. James was too busy throwing things to see if they were working and he didn't want to waste a second with a glance. When he's out of ammo, she shrinks and flies out the window, growing back to normal size and hitting the ground when Xavier whipped an oversized miniature fan part at him like a frisbee.
The blades wedge right into the cabin, halfway into the exterior wall. James looks up at it from the cabin's porch and swallows his fear. If he didn't react, he would've been decapitated. He's had dreams of Angela's father throwing the shield at him like that. This is even worse.
As Xavier charges at him, James glows his fist and punches Xavier directly in the chest. Xavier flies back and lands on the ground. James balls his hands into fists, waiting for Xavier to get back up but nothing.
James' heart starts racing for another reason. "Oh shit!"
James sprints over, throwing himself to the ground beside an unconscious Xavier. Panicking and seeing nobody around, James' body shakes. Tears spring into his eyes as he scrambles to think of something. He didn't kill Xavier. There's no way. Xavier would never go down that way. He can't hear a heartbeat or feel a pulse, although this isn't the quietest and steady location. Xavier isn't even lying on a flat surface since the ground is crumbling around them. He knows that he said Xavier would be a dead man but that was the prank war talking.
He has an idea that's as equally bad as the earthquake because it got them into this predicament. On shaky ground, James lights up his fists, getting ready to restart Xavier's heart. He isn't sure if this will save him or kill him but it's worth a shot. Tears stream down James' eyes as he raises his electrified palms in the air but before they contact Xavier's chest on the way down, Xavier grabs James' wrists and claps them together.
James screams as his body short-circuits, freaking out like a blown fuse. Now he thinks he died. He flies back and lands on calm ground. James coughs, his body twitching. He figures his burnout moment blew out the earthquake.
He turns over on the ground and sees Xavier a few feet away, still lying on the ground but smiling. James couldn't tell what expression it was, whether it was vengeful or content, but he tries to copy it. Even on his own face, he can't tell what he's supposed to feel.
Eventually, they both start laughing.
"Holy shit, James," Xavier says, sighing. "You put up a solid fight."
"Self-defence," James argues.
"You nearly killed me. I think I died for a second."
"Again, self-defence."
"Still, good job."
Xavier's complimenting him on combat. Camp is weird. James definitely killed him for that second. "Don't tell Angela."
Xavier chuckles in agreement. "So, are we good?"
James nods, "we're good."
Truthfully, they were never not good. Both boys struggle to get to their feet but once they manage, they approach each other and shake hands as a truce to the prank war. A few seconds later, they're hugging and patting each other's backs. Again, not telling Angela. Or anyone.
This is now my favourite chapter to date. So fucking worth being 4k words.
(Bonus AN I'm typing right before I publish this chapter. I'm almost done outlining a Camp arc in PNG where Xavier and James return as counsellors. It's more chaotic than this chapter).