Our final psych eval. I was waiting to get to this one.
Year Three: Cadet #183 068 082 092
Ten Years Ago - SHIELD Recovery Centre
He's ten and met his Hulk for the first time. Daniel doesn't even remember what happened. He was himself, then his Hulk, and now he's sitting in a colourful room. It's decorated like a kindergarten classroom. Small tables with plastic chairs tucked in, bright rugs all over the place, a clean chalkboard with alphabet or number poster. Cubbies to the side filled with toys or books. A teacher's desk to the corner of the room.
Vacant, unused. A set to comfort a child like him.
Daniel's sitting in the reading corner, underneath the sign labelling the area. He's in comfy clothes his parents brought him. Daniel leafs through the books, skimming the covers as his parents stand at the door talking to a lady in a lab coat he doesn't recognize and a younger woman in civvies that he assumes is her assistant of some kind. Daniel pretends not to notice but his parents would look over at him often, focusing on him until the lady in the lab coat would get their attention again. He doesn't listen until he hears footsteps coming towards him and he looks over his shoulder.
"Madison, stay by my side."
The assistant in civvies was a few steps closer, now looking back at her boss.
"This boy isn't a monster. I'm not afraid to go near him," Madison responds. Her head turns towards Bruce and Betty, silently asking for permission and they nod at her.
When she turns back around, she approaches Daniel and crouches next to him with a smile.
"You're a smart kid," Madison starts, "do you know what bibliotherapy is?"
Daniel shakes his head as Madison takes out some books for him on the floor.
"Bibliotherapy is when we use books to help resolve our issues or trials," she explains. "Through reading, we gain insight into our lives and our challenges and then use the stories to develop strategies to address them. Which one do you like?"
Daniel sits crossed-legged in front of her, scanning the books. Most were middle-grade books and none gravitated his attention except one.
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
-o-
Present Day - Academy Counselling Room 5
Daniel didn't want to go through with a psych evaluation but he would much rather do this than a field test. At least he's been through this before back after he transformed into his Hulk after the car accident with Emily. However, it's because he's been in that scenario before that makes it scarier. He knows what they'll discuss and it's the wounds he doesn't want to check up on.
When he's called inside the room, he stops at the doorway when he sees the same evaluator as last time. Dr. Madison - he still doesn't know her full name. She looks expectant to see him, obviously, since he's her appointment.
"I'm surprised you didn't skip out on this one," Dr. Madison greets. She waves for him to come inside.
"I don't-" Daniel closes the door behind him and takes a seat across from her desk. "Are you allowed to evaluate me?"
"I'm more than qualified to do so."
"Sorry, I just … isn't this a conflict of interest? I mean that my friends got strangers."
"Strangers who had to read their files and learn about them so they know what to ask and what answers they'll get."
Daniel nods slowly. "So someone else would've read everything…"
"I know you wouldn't want that." Dr. Madison opens her notebook to a fresh page. "I didn't volunteer to evaluate you. Nobody gets a choice on cadets since that's a different conflict of interest. Evaluators are given a standard set of appointments they have to attend and whichever cadet signs up for that time and day gets that evaluator. For you, Daniel, they asked me to evaluate you on top of whatever my assigned slots were."
Daniel nods. "Makes sense. My file is a lot to take in."
"And experience first-hand."
He shrugs. "I guess."
Dr. Madison pauses for a second until he looks at her again. "Are you okay?"
Daniel shrugs again, keeping eye contact. "I guess."
"I know you didn't say much but it's exactly what you didn't say that came across as loud and clear."
Daniel nods. His non-responsive behaviour is carefully calculated from nanoseconds of not trying to look unresponsive, given his nods and shrugs. "What do you mean?"
"You're guarded. You always are. The real question is, are you protecting others from your hulk or attempting to shield yourself?"
Daniel isn't surprised she jumped right into Hulk territory. "My hulk has no agenda for this evaluation. I knew you'd be asking about him because, well, there's nothing else about to talk about that's jarring enough to prod into my psyche."
She nods, not writing anything down yet. "I know you're lying to me because you won't stop talking. You're doubting the legitimacy of your story so you feel the need to have all these extra supporting details. You may think it sounds credible to me but you keep talking to convince yourself. I won't focus on your Hulk since, as you said, there's more to you."
"But it all circles back to him…" Daniel whispers since he doesn't want to say it louder. "Doesn't it always? It's not like he went anywhere I wasn't already at."
That part she writes. "What was your last vivid dream?"
Daniel almost laughs. For a moment, he thinks it's because she'll find a way to tie it back to him or his last vivid dream is related … which it is. Daniel isn't sure if the vivid dream that comes to mind was his newest one if that exists, but it's one he hasn't forgotten.
It was quiet and he was in a recovery bed. At the door stood Emily, wearing his winter coat with wind-struck hair and frostbitten cheeks. She's looking at him with her big brown eyes with a small smile. Her hands were warm and she wanted him to leave with her but he couldn't move. Her laughs became tears and screams before reverting to a smile.
"Or at least, when did the dream happen?" Dr. Madison asks when Daniel is lost in the replay of his last vivid dream.
"After…" Daniel's voice trails off as his hand barely brushing the place where, after he awoke from the beautiful dream, he bit himself so hard to resist screaming and revert the focus of his painfully burning body somewhere else. There's still a faint metallic taste in his mouth that he desperately wants to spit it somewhere.
"Gotcha," she states as she scribbles her notes despite him not finishing his sentence. She read his file and has conversed with him before. She knows. "Tell me your life story."
Daniel's attention returns to the present. He knows this is a trick to see what parts he focuses on, which would be his friends and Emily. Not his Hulk. Telling his life story isn't difficult. He's done it more than enough times to have the essential facts clear in his mind, especially to Dr. Madison who's read it all before. Science is about looking at data. Truth hides in the details. He has to pick the scope of focus.
"Usually, clients have limited or distorted information about how others see them, and they have substantial hidden areas of themselves that they avoid exposing for whatever reasons," Dr. Madison says. "They live a rather constricted life that is known to themselves, even if they want to forget or repress it. It's not always unfulfilling but they're often unaware of their potential."
"But you know my life story," Daniel tells her.
"I know the parts in your file."
"Because that is my life. Outside that, I'm Bruce and Betty's son. I was born and raised in Manhattan suburbia. I went to school, top of my class. Hung out with my friends, fell in love with a girl who's now my fiancée. Presently, I go to school here, have a Ph.D. in biochemistry and am working on another one for nuclear physics."
Dr. Madison nods, grinning a little. "Impressive." She glances down at her notebook for a second. "Now isn't the time to bottle things inside. You're lucky we've talked before and have a rapport which is why I'm more blunt with you than other evaluators to other cadets. If you're having trouble, you need to tell me."
Daniel pauses. He isn't sure if now's the time to ask about getting out of his field test. If he does, he runs the risk of her asking more questions about his Hulk and why he doesn't want to go through with running through a field in open fire, or whatever happens during field tests. He already dreads his Sci-Ops classes.
Dr. Madison shifts in her seat. "You know what Stevenson said? A man cannot destroy the savage in him by denying its impulses-"
"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it…" Daniel finishes with a small file. "Jekyll and Hyde. My favourite book."
She grins. "I know."
Daniel nods. "Of course, it's in my file probably under therapies used. You know, after I transformed the first time, they decided to put me in bibliotherapy because I was so young. You know what it is, obviously, but I ended up choosing Jekyll and Hyde as my therapy book. I didn't know why at first but then I read it and it made sense. Did it help? No, because everything with my Hulk is still fucking me up so yes, I'm having trouble and it's with my field test."
Dr. Madison doesn't interrupt or write anything. She puts down her pencil and sits forwards to listen to him.
"I'm scared to go out there with the Hulk in my mind because if my friends are in extreme danger, then I'll have no choice but to yield, won't I?" Daniel asks rhetorically. "I don't remember much from when I was ten but years after? Crystal clear repressed memories. The love of my life screaming because SHIELD opened fire at the Hulk. Not me because if I was there, I would've called the shots and let it happen."
He takes a breath as tears brim in his eyes. He doesn't bother to take off his glasses and wipe them away but just lets them fall. It's not like she hasn't seen him cry before but now he's putting everything out in the open from his view and not what somebody typed in his file. It's jarring.
"I was in someone else's control during graduation and they let the Hulk loose," Daniel continues. "My friends tried their damnedest to stay alive and not hurt me, despite the Hulk attacking them, because they still believed that a fraction of me was in there. Was I? I never think I am. My Hulk didn't give a shit, as if he ever does. Then, there was the one time, recently, I broke my glasses once and made a deal with him to give me his eyes so I could see. Yeah, sounds better theoretically."
This time, Dr. Madison's face etches in concern.
"Before you ask," Daniel stops her since she opened her mouth to interject, "it gave him access to my thoughts so he was acting as the voice in my head, louder than I've heard but in a state where I still have control over myself. I could walk and talk but I couldn't hear myself over him. How I still managed to win the girl and keep her after those? That's one question I will never be able to answer but I don't want to know."
And for once, he left Dr. Madison speechless.
Usually, trauma and scars feel lighter when they're aired out and shared. Daniel doesn't get it.
"How is that for continuous talking but already convinced of my own story?" Daniel asks. He bites his tongue wanting to take that question back.
"What I was looking for," she responds flatly.
Daniel sighs. "… Dr. Madison, I know I shouldn't ask this but can I be dismissed? I don't know what else I could talk about."
"One more thing." She reaches down into her bag and pulls out a stapled packet of forms. Some information is already filled out in blue pen. "Regarding your field test. Some cadets are delaying it to their fourth year for a variety of reasons. They're more lenient on Sci-Tech and Communications cadets since they're not on the same field level as Operations, but I know you don't want it at all and I understand why. Sit for a moment longer and we'll think of alternatives that the Academy will allow in lieu of a field test. We'll need a few options since they'll have to be approved."
Daniel can almost cry again. "Thank you."
-o-
[CLASSIFIED EXCERPT FROM SO: Dr. Violet Byrne-Vargas]
"Dr. Banner is one of the smartest cadets I've ever met. He likes to keep busy, advancing and widening his skill set, and it's commendable. I do see the potential for him to lose control, and not solely in the unmentionable, but that combined with his intelligence. From his SO to whoever does his evaluation, get him out of his field test."
You know what? It was perfect that we're ending the year with the psych evals. (And if you're reading PNG, the Honeymoon is also ending this week. Good for Daniel).
Daniel's Counterparts - his novella, Antibiosis
Emily's Counterparts
Antibiosis - Chapters 99-106: Before and After / Big Transformations Parts One-Seven
Post-Antibiosis - Chapter 279: Antibiosis
Graduation - Chapters 283-290: Graduation Parts One-Eight
Britney's Counterparts
Post-Antibiosis - Chapter 263: Antibiosis
Graduation - Chapters 280-287: Graduation Parts One-Eight