He opened his eyes, took one look at that blasted ceiling again, and nearly shrieked in despair. He had been so certain last time would work – he had been so careful orchestrating everything. He had managed to make sure that he had saved the day in the final moments, and he was sure that he had finally rescued her from that terrible fate, only for a last-second change that could never have been predicted to snatch everything away again.
He was getting awfully tired of these things from happening.
At first, when he had realised the extent of his good fortune, he had been overjoyed. He had treated everyone in the life with more compassion, kindness, and love than his disastrous first run. He had opened his heart more, been supportive of those around him, even when expected disasters sapped him of the strength to go on. He had even tried to rearrange the ending, knowing what would happen if he did not.
But in the end, it had come falling down after watching her being ripped apart by those white monsters despite his careful planning. All the armour surrounding her becoming nothing more than a feast for them, whilst a pilot's screams had caused his heart to break apart in his chest. SEELE's soldiers had found him not long after that, and he had opened his eyes after the crack of a rifle to the same damn ceiling. He had spent many cycles realising that he was being prevented from
Just how long had he been doing this now anyway?
He needed to re-cause Third Impact, but be completely in control this time, unlike the grief-stricken individual he had been first time. Since the first, disastrous attempt, he had gotten close, but never managed to actually cause another Impact Event. Something always happened (usually her painful demise, occasionally through events he initiated) which prevented him from reaching it, and he would suddenly open his eyes and stare at that dull ceiling above him.
Oh, how he hated that ceiling.
It didn't matter how much he hated it though. He knew he had about 15 minutes to come up with a convincing plan for the next few days, because they were always rough. He usually found that he could cause all sorts of ripples by acting early – arriving early one day, or not arriving another caused such devastation down the road in some cycles that he understood the importance of getting this right. He needed to – once he established a baseline, he would be able to plan more long-term.
Once he had tried to help more people. The UN inspector Koji was an easy one, as was the young Major Misato. Akagi – brutal though she was – was also another early victim of his attempts to convert her with kindness.
That had tended not to last too long however.
Rei proved unpredictable, as did the other children at the school. Even the "easy" saves were distracting in the end – how many times had Kaji and Misato killed him once they worked in harmony together against him?
Fuyutsuki could often be brought on board, oddly enough, although it often took a lot of time to whittle past the old man's stubbornness. Perhaps the kindly professor could be even more useful this time if he divulged more information earlier, which would give them both an edge over SEELE at last, and allow for a final completion of Instrumentality.
He would finally be able to save her from the fate that always awaited her. He had to.
With these final thoughts in mind, shared across time and space, two Ikari men – Shinji and Gendo – sighed, got out of their beds, and prepared for what they hoped would be the final run through this cycle.
Both knew that hope would be futile in the end.
Lilith floated in the orange sea, staring at the two men currently suspended before her in the sea of LCL.
She had at first been hopeful with the father; a creature filled with longing to be reunited with a wife who held him in contempt. But over time, this man had proved unable or unwilling to truly help Lilith achieve her goal – the elimination of the Adamite elements within her children, as well as an understanding of the human soul. Centuries had passed before she realised that he had shrivelled and died – truly died – several lifetimes before.
A pity really.
Yui Ikari clearly had no time left for humanity, and when she had offered the deal with her progenitor to assist with the cleansing of the Seed of Adam in her children in exchange for divinity, Lilith had agreed. This was a simple task for Yui, a brilliant scientist, who proposed liquifying the living elements on earth into LCL and then forcibly ejecting the Adamite parts as solids to waste away (a plan which delighted the ancient deity). Of course, Yui could not know that Lilith had other goals which needed to be completed by another – the human soul offered by Yui was frankly worthless to the ancient being, being too cold and calculating – and so Lilith had struck an unconscious deal with the shattered husband left behind (save her and show me what you are all capable of), which at first had yielded results. Gendo had taken it up with eagerness, his shattered heart simply wiping any conscious memory of the deal whilst giving him a purpose in each re-run.
But Lilith felt every battle with Adam's monstrous offspring; how could she not, when her own flesh, blood, and soul were being burned and battered by the failed experiments. And Gendo increasingly began to ignore Lilith's desires to show her the totality of the human soul: his obsession with a wife who had tossed him aside after she got bored with him was wearing Lilith out, especially as it was damaging the other participants in the experiment.
So she had looked to the son, leaving the father on a perpetual "hold" – Gendo would remember each and every time he had retaken the attempt, but subsequent runs would be fresh. A mildly fitting punishment, considering that the final run had shown just how callous and obsessive the man had become, chasing that end goal with an intensity that caused him to neglect and actively harm those around him.
The son was given the keys to Instrumentality just at the time Gendo had finally come to complete his goal. An amplified scream in the ears of her semi-human form Rei just at the point of impact was all it took for Gendo's scenario to come crumbling down, and for Lilith to turn her attention from the used up father to the fresh young son. Having Asuka kill him on the beach at the end of the world was all it took to restart the cycle properly this time.
Originally the younger Ikari had been a bit of a mixed result – half the time he died rapidly in each reset and wouldn't give the goddess much to work with. But eventually the boy got the idea, and started showing her he could, like his father, be dynamic and engaging, loving and laughing, crying and crashing.
Of course, like his father Shinji too had developed an obsession – his fellow pilot, Asuka – which had begun to enter each rebirth in increasingly irksome ways. And, just like his father, he had begun to neglect his other friends and family to the point of tuning them out with that Adam-like SDAT player, caring only for the object of his desires.
It was all so disappointing really. Is this the best Man could come up with?
Then again, perhaps the problem was just that – men. An idea spawned in Lilith's ancient brain, so simple she could have laughed and sent earthquakes across the broken landscape. This entire time she had been using men – the closest thing to Adam she could create – to try and understand. Perhaps all this time she simply needed a feminine touch.
The feminine touch and the flowing of bright red hair may just work this time, the goddess mused as she brought forth the other pilot's form in the sea of LCL and contemplated how she would orchestrate her way of getting all she could from a human soul this time…
A/N: Was reading a few Evangelion time-loop stories, and one thing I thought would be interesting to explore is if Shinji wasn't the only "looper" around. To me it makes a lot of sense for Gendo – cold, calculating Gendo – to be the other "player" on the field, but having them both stuck because Lilith is frankly bored and lonely I felt would be a suitable punishment for the sins they commit. May explore the idea more in the future (ho ho ho), but for now I am happy to leave this as it stands.
If there is any confusion, the white monsters ripping her apart is trying to allude to the fact that either Gendo could have sent Unit-01 into battle against the MP Evas (and so watch Yui and the core get annihilated), or Shinji being forced to watch Asuka get mauled a second time (and unable to enter the Eva for whatever reason).
Been a long time since I have done any writing, and this is my first Eva fic, so feedback is always welcome.