Chapter 9: mrs. dalloway
"He thought her beautiful, believed her impeccably wise; dreamed of her, wrote poems to her, which, ignoring the subject, she corrected in red ink."
Lily Evans said she would buy the flowers herself.
If Daniel Indigo would not offer her flowers for their date, Lily told Marlene she would do it herself. And besides, it's not like she wanted romance or anything like that I mean, sure, care and attention are always nice but, she didn't even want to think too much about what she wanted or not wanted to be able to explain others. Right now she just wanted to do normal things that normal young girls do and go on a cute date with a cute bloke who normally takes great notes at History of Magic. That's it- casual. She could do casual.
"Right?" Lily urged Remus to validate her rant.
It was Friday evening and they were doing their rounds together as they normally did. They were coming back from the Astrology tower when Remus had made the apparent terrible decision to ask Lily if she had any plans for the Hogsmeade weekend and everything spiralled from there when somehow, they ended up in an exasperated Lily trying to prove she could be nonchalant.
"Well, clearly" he responded sarcastic.
Lily smacked his arm and he held it, looking at her in shock.
"Why not?" she asked a few pitches higher.
"I didn't say anything!"
She pouted, raising her eyebrows at him. He sighed.
"Look, is 'casual' the first word that comes to my mind when I think of you? No, not necessarily but then again, I don't think of you that much so maybe you can be and I just haven't seen it yet."
"You say the nicest things to me Remus Lupin."
He rolled his eyes but with a smile. "Why are you freaking out over this? What about that Luke bloke you dated last year? He seemed alright."
"He was! He was alright- more than alright, he was lovely with me…"
"Good, then what happened?"
They were walking slow, enjoying each other company. But Lily was playing with her hands, looking down.
"You know what happened," she talked lower. "After the whole thing with Snape… it was just too much, I was too hurt. My dad's treatment was not working, Summer was coming and I knew it would just be a long, painful, terrible goodbye… I don't know, I couldn't make him stay for all of that, it wasn't fair."
Remus felt for her. They had stopped walking and he didn't know what to say but she was his friend, one of the best, and so he had to try.
"I can't whistle." He said.
Lily looked at him. "What?"
"I can't whistle," he repeated. "I-I know it's stupid, because of my condition you know, but-but howling and whistling are completely different, people keep mixing the two. But they're nothing alike, and one is just impossible and I actually don't think people are supposed to be able to do it"
Lily tried not to laugh. "Why did you tell me all that?"
He put his hands on his pockets awkwardly. "I don't know, you shared something personal with me. I guess I wanted to do the same."
Lily's heart grew for her friend and she smiled.
"Well now, you'll have to show me" she played.
"No, I don't. You'll just have to trust me."
"No, no, no, for all I know you're just lying so I don't feel so bad for my own misery. Let's see it."
He sighed deeper and gave in, looking up the ceiling while plucking his lips together and breathing out in an unsuccessful try to whistle.
After a few tries, he finally looked at her and said, annoyed. "There- believe me now?"
She started nodding but couldn't hold it any more and started laughing ungraciously, echoing through the halls. Remus couldn't help it but join her as well.
"Thanks Remus, I don't think I'll ever be sad again after that." Lily said, still smiling.
"Ah don't make me regret showing you that." He said with good humour, starting their walk again.
"And look, about the whole casual thing-" he sensed her feeling embarrassed, and so tried being nice. "What I do know about you, is that you can be and do whatever you want. And so if Lily Evans wants to do casual, then I have no bloody doubt she'll do it."
They stopped again to look at each other, and Lily's eyes were shining.
"Just-" he started but had to fight his tendencies of not letting himself get to involved.
She moved her face closer, forcing him to look at her with an encouraging smile. He did and pressed his lips before continuing.
"If you want to do casual, you can and you will, a hundred percent. And I get it that you don't want to think about why, and you don't have to, of course but, you know… I hope you'll eventually realize that you don't have to run away scared, afraid that people will leave you first…"
He looked at her and she looked away, swallowing a lump in her throat and fixing her gaze at the far end of the corridor.
"But not right now, right?" she sounded so much younger, and looked again at him with red watery eyes. "I can run for a little while longer? Casually…" she smiled painfully.
"Of course," he said giving her his arm. "Take your time. Matter of fact, tell you what, just because I'm such a good friend, I'll hide and run away with you."
She chuckled and locked her arm on his, walking side by side.
"In fact, I've been doing it for a bit longer than you so I can give you all the best tips. First lesson, sarcasm is your best and only friend."
She laughed. "Oh why would I learn from you, huh? You have three little obsessed cubs always following your tail."
And she noticed him smirk.
"Yes but that's not on me."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. You see, there's a greater power than my sarcasm and your casual lifestyle" he saw her curiosity and he grinned. "James Potter."
She rolled her eyes and he laughed.
"James Potter' stubbornness you mean" she rectified.
"Yeah well, all of it combined. Stubbornness, loyalty… whatever it was, he didn't let me go. He never lets any of us go."
She pressed her lips and mumbled. "Well you're pretty great. He'd be an idiot if he let you go."
He chuckled. "True but, others have. You know you can call it what you want but truth is Prongs makes people feel special by trusting them, by choosing them. And once you're chosen by him, you're in. And suddenly we really are special because we were lucky enough to see ourselves through his eyes."
Lily felt like she could cry. What was it with these boys whose relationship could either turn them into 3-year-old annoying toddlers, or wise old wizards that know what the purpose of life really is all about?
"But hey, don't tell him I said that, huh? I'm still enjoying my bad boy reputation from punching Padfoot at the beginning of school year."
She laughed, cleaning a tear that had escaped, and holding his arm tighter.
"Don't worry. Your secret' safe with me… not the whistling one though, I'll have to tell everyone about it. Uh Mary!" They had reached Gryffindor's portrait and saw the pretty girl walking in, stopping when called. "You'll never guess what I just found."
Lily said mischievously, looking at Remus with a cheeky smile before running to their classmate.
"Way to be casual there, Evans!"
"I feel like I should say 'I told you so' but it seems like it's not enough. So I will say instead that I'm always right, in the history of forever and ever, and you should never question any and every word that comes out of my mouth, be it by talking, mumbling, screaming or singing."
"Singing- really?" James asked Sirius without looking up from his butterbeer.
"Yes, you bloody idiot." Sirius sputtered, arms firm on their standard table at the Three Broomsticks. "If I sing about how you're bloody in love with Evans and you can't just decide to turn it off, please make your stubborn arse believe your best friend."
"Lower Padfoot!" he glared at his friend. "And I never said I was in love with her, alright?"
"You're not?" Sirius asked still the same tone.
James took a sharp inhale and puffed out his chest, locked eyes with him but Sirius tilted his head to the side, condescending.
"Come on, mate…"
James sighed, lowering his head in a defeated manner at the same time Remus joined them.
"OK I'm here" he sat down next to Sirius and in front of Peter. "Sorry, Tomes and Scrolls didn't have this book I really needed…" Remus paused to look at his friends. "What happened?"
"Prongs admitted his feelings for Lily." Peter explained.
"And we're trying to convince him to stop being around her so much and just drop it properly." Sirius was clearly scolding. "Instead of pretending he's got it under control and having tutoring hours after classes, laughing around like a couple of twats, hugging in his bedroom-"
"Godric Padfoot, you sure you're my best friend?" James growled. "Imagine what you'd say if I wasn't" he sneered.
"I'd say to go ahead and court her as you've been doing the last five years." He spat harshly and Remus could see James' clenched fists on top of the table and chest heaving.
"Actually," Remus stepped in between the tensed silence. "I disagree."
"What?" Sirius turned to him and James starred with a question.
"I don't mean like, that you should court her," Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius chosen worn and he shrugged. "But I don't think you should cut her off either. On the contrary- Prongs, she needs you."
"What?" James was confused but his knuckles weren't white any more.
"Look, she's been through a lot lately alright? She really could use a friend and let's face it, you're the best there is at it. 'Mateship' is your super power."
He played and James took a deep breath, and looked at his friend in the eyes.
Remus continued, "You know she's strong and all, but… she's vulnerable and I've seen you two, you can be good to her." He cast his eyes down at the table, being completely out of his comfort zone, meddling with other people's personal lives. "Thing is, if you really care for her- which I think you do, you'll be there for her for whatever she needs which, right now, honestly, I really think is just being her friend. And truth is, if I were to recommend anyone to be a good friend to her, would be you mate."
There was a silence between the four boys.
"Bloody hell Moony" Sirius said, wiping his wet eyes. "Where did that come from? That's bloody beautiful."
Remus rolled his eyes but laughed with the rest of them, thankful to the breaking of tension.
"So what do you suggest?" James asked his friend and there was a tinge of vulnerability that Remus couldn't help but detect. "If I just keep what I've been doing, I'm bound to fuck up. This girl hugs me and my whole nerve system feels aflame."
Remus breathed deep. "Actually, you might need to continue what you're doing and a bit more." He continued carefully, no longer meeting any of their eyes, especially James'. "She hum… she's on a date like, right now, with that bloke Indigo? Yeah she told me he asked her out."
James' knuckles turned white again. "I see," he bit out in a clipped tone. James made a mental note to spend the rest of the weekend flirting his way around all girls he knew would tell him everything he wanted, finding everything he could about this pest that kept buzzing around. "And where is her new beau taking her?"
"He's not her anything, she just wants to get a bit of distraction-" and he noticed how his friend's lip curled, his expression indicating that any type of distraction made him want to set the whole place on fire.
"Sounds lovely," he sneered, "Is that distraction anywhere here or do they need more privacy to be fully distracted?"
"Mate," he started but coincidently, looking through the window he noticed a small frame with flaming hair against a snow-filled background, walking alongside a taller, curlier person.
James followed his gaze and saw them. She was smiling to the floor, listening as he blabbered excitedly. "Right," James said before getting up and downing his butterbeer glass in one go, "I'll meet you back at the castle."
"Prongs" Sirius called back at him but he was already half-running from the establishment.
James stopped at the door just outside the Three Broomsticks looking for the two that had just passed by. Luckily, he had a refined talent of his gazing always finding Lily, which he did, seeing them walk up back to school grounds, side by side.
James cursed himself for not bringing his invisibility cloak but decided that, as long as he was outside, he always had with him the best disguise. He stepped away from the small village of houses and commerce and, finding a good enough covered ground between tress, he turned himself into his second identity - his patronus, an Imperial Stag.
Being in four legs and all his senses switching priorities and purposes had been schizophrenic to say the least when he had first transfigured himself early last year. But now, it was like diving into the ocean first time after a long winter. It was still foreign, but it flooded him with a sense of peace and freedom and thoughts that maybe life could really just be this.
After a moment to ground himself, he detected Lily's trace and started following it. When he saw them, he slowed down and started walking carefully towards them.
"So that's why I know so much about muggle sports, my dad is like obsessed with them. He's taken me to attend pretty much every live game you can list."
"Hmm, bicycle?" she asked the Ravenclaw boy.
"Tour de France, 1970" he said, "I think I still have some dirt in my eyes from it." She laughed. And James' insides twisted in pain and jealousy.
They had stopped and were facing each other. James didn't know if they were quiet or if they were talking low and he couldn't hear. He decided to walk closely when he stepped on a stick he hadn't noticed. He heard a gasp and when he looked up again, Lily was starring at him, locked eyes.
"Oh," Indigo turned too, "it's a deer."
She took a small breath before replying in a whisper "It's a stag." And she gave stag-version James a genuine smile and he experienced that body-wide warm feeling she usually made him feel, now in a completely different body.
They kept looking at each other and his stare became pleading requests and unspoken declarations. All the words he couldn't say, all the promises he wanted to make, all the feelings he couldn't quite articulate yet, all the vulnerabilities exposed from seeing her laugh with someone else.
He wasn't there Evans, none of these boys were there when you had to read your poem at Charms 1st year and your hands were nervous, and you blushed so hard and stammered and I had never saw something so beautiful. When you fell with such splendour after flying faster than I had ever had enough courage to do, how you marched back, with your puffed chest and imposing little chin. And now, when you're looking at me like that- please, you have to know…
The spell broke when the git behind her approached again, touching her arm. James wanted to tackle him with his antlers and destroy that annoying little dimple. But he didn't because she took a last look at him, her eyes still swimming with emotion and he felt a slight pang in his chest at the reminder that he cared too much for her to not want her to be happy however that might look like.
He shook his antlers from the falling snow that had accumulated and trotted away without looking back. Thank Merlin Christmas break was almost here, he needed space to clear his mind… and heart.
"James!"
He heard her call and it still did things to him to hear her say his birth name. He had been successfully avoiding her for the last week but his humour did not show victory, it showed angst and frustration - emotional, physical, sexual… Just overall perfect ingredients to a mopy James Potter.
"James wait!" she called again and he was determined to ignore it and just disappear in the crowd again except Remus was with him.
"Prongs come on, I said friend not ghost boy that is still revolted by the way it died."
He sighed. "What d'you want from me, mate? It's not like I'm being a prick, I'm keeping quiet and not murdering her precious Ravenclaw- that's the best I can do."
Remus looked him in the eye. "I want you to be good enough to deserve her" he said and James clenched his jaw.
"Oh hi Remus," she finally reached them, a bit breathless and looking lovely. "James, can I talk to you?"
"Sure," he said starring at Remus before breaking contact and taking a few steps to the side to listen to her.
She noticed the tension but carried on. She was too excited about finally being able to talk to James.
"I've been wanting to tell you something for some days now, but I haven't been able to get a hold of you-"
"No worries Evans, I already know."
That got the grin to slide off her face. Were they back at last name basis?
James noticed but tried to ignore it, swallowing a lump in his throat before continuing. "I know you're dating Indigo." She broke out in a furious blush and James felt his insides go cold. "Congratulations, were you thinking of introducing your new boyfriend or would I just know when I got invited to the nuptials?"
"How do you-" but she saw Remus awkwardly walking away and she went from sheepish to infuriated real quick. "He's not my boyfriend. Why do you care who I go out with on one date, anyway?"
He tried to squish the hope and pleasure he got from hearing her deny the boy so firmly. "I don't. So you don't have to update me on anything, see?" And he started walking away.
"That's not what I wanted to tell you- obviously." She stopped him from leaving and he sighed, pretending he didn't miss their electric dynamic and her, chasing him.
"OK, then what is it?"
She was so much shorter and smaller than him, but no less imposing, especially with how angrily she glared up at him in that moment. She took a sharp inhale and let out a shaky whisper of "Orchideous".
And suddenly, the whole corridor had flowers brimming from all cracks between stones, floor, walls and ceiling. Everything was Lily.
James looked around mesmerized before looking down at her again, and he choked out before he could command his tongue. "You're brilliant."
He watched her take a small breath before replying "Thank you" and he felt a slice of guilt cut into him.
He felt ashamed and didn't know what to say and so was thankful that she continued, her voice unsure. "It was all you, actually. Remember what you told me last time you were helping me? When I asked you how you distinguish each matter, each body from one to another when you try to transfigure-"
"I said that everything sings" he replied in a way he hoped showed that their moments together were some of his favourite and he remembered everything.
She gave him a watery smile and her eyes lit up. "Yes. And it just clicked, it just- it made sense all of a sudden. All of it."
"I knew you could do it", he admitted hoarsely, guilt still twisting his insides and she beamed.
"Thank you. For believing me" she said firmly, her voice growing stronger. "So can you please believe me when I say that I can take care of myself and I will not stop being your friend just because I went on one date?"
James waved an impatient hand and tried to ignore the swooping sensation in his stomach at the way she'd said "Please."
"I'm not worried for you, I'm worried for him" he joked, inviting her to walk beside him to class. "Look at this, if he even looks at you funny you'll make a cactus grow out his ars-"
But Lily closed his mouth before he could finish, laughing at him and he forgot how much he missed her laugh.
They locked eyes and she quickly stepped away, blushing hard and putting her hair behind her ears to make use of her hands.
"Walk you to Potions, Potter?"
James grinned, remembering their similar interaction some weeks ago "I can walk myself- Lily."
He noticed her eyes shining especially bright.
"Brilliant… then you can walk me too."
And he did.