Respect
The underlying desire of having respect is feeling safe and in control.
Sam Evans had relabelled himself a few times in his search for fame, but eventually, after flopping on several releases, he'd left behind catchy tags like, Trouty, Chameleon and White Chocolate and settled on plain old Sam Evans, only to find he was finally getting somewhere in the industry. His first album as Sam Evans hit the charts running and never stopped until it hit number one and then, for him, the fun started, he was getting a real buzz out of random people calling his name like they knew him and singing along to his songs at concerts, and for a long while it was all so much fun.
At some point after year four, of what had quickly became a very lonely life, he started to resent all the pomp, everything he did came under scrutiny, he couldn't date a girl without the world having a say on his bad taste, in which there was some truth sometimes, and because of that he was forever being reminded of past relationship disasters, or his ratings would start dipping, he was struggling to choose between fame and his own happiness, because the two for him had always been one in the same.
He couldn't put his finger on when his attitude towards his music changed, but it did, he became bitter against the one thing in the world he wanted, having the power to take everything else away from him, constantly damning his inability to walk away.
"Sam" Mike, his agent, called to him in the studio one afternoon "Judy wants you to do a spot on her show, just a short interview and release a song off your new album".
"No" he snapped I told you, no shows".
"You're letting off another album soon surely you want the fans to know about it?"
"Why?" he looked at him "So they can shoot that down before the release date?"
"Sam" Mike stood looking at him, there was little he was going to be able to offer this guy if he was deciding not to play ball "You're becoming difficult to manage".
"What are you saying?" he looked into his agent's eyes, right now the man had more to lose than Sam did.
Despite his reluctance to promote the album, it dropped and was quickly climbing up the popular playlist and charts, there was no doubt his music was what everyone wanted to hear, but still his attitude was getting worse. He was making a name for himself within the business as one of the most unsavoury, obnoxious Country singers of all time, and his kudos with his fans was getting markedly tense.
They'd be waiting at stage exit for him to sign his autograph and he'd walk past them hissing his distaste, ranting about them leaving him alone, telling them he'd already done enough for them in the performance, it was embarrassing for the promoters as well as the band.
A year on and no one was requesting an audience with him anymore, in fact Mike was having a hard time selling his talent to anyone in the business "Dude" he sat on the couch opposite him one day in the studio, ready to bite the bullet "I know you don't see it, but this attitude of yours is losing you everything".
"What if I want to lose everything?" Sam looked up at him defeated.
"You don't mean that".
"No, I don't, but I don't want this, my life's not my own anymore Mike, what can I do?"
"I don't know if it's your thing, but I know of this place that some people have found useful, I could book you in, I think it's like a three day program total solace, they call it mindfulness".
"Three days with my guitar and no interferences, that's my idea of heaven" he smiled "If you can get me in, I'll do it" he knew he needed something, the world was closing in on him, he wasn't able to breathe freely, nothing about him was private anymore, it was all just this heavy pressure on his head that left it constantly pounding.
It was all his fault he knew that deep down, the way he'd started his career with his whole life being public, asking fans about things that were happening in his live, he even asked via poll once, what shirt to wear. There was always only so much of yourself you could give, everyone in the business knew that but for Sam it was a lesson he'd learned the long and hard way
The distraction of a woman took the pounding away for a while, until he needed his next fix and then the distraction became an hinderance, demanding too much of his time, needing to be in his space, wanting things he had no time for when his real woman came into his life.
Two Weeks Later
Tuesday
"I'll see you in three days" Mike tapped his back and watched him step into the waiting cab.
"I really don't know what I'm expecting, but it's got to be better than this" he looked up at Mike "Wish me luck".
"Good luck buddy" Mike knocked fists with him, then stood watching the cab get smaller "You're definitely going to need something a bit stronger than luck" he shook his head "Maybe a prayer?" he sent a short one up, begging for a better man to return.
Sam sat in the back of the cab, trying to relax, it had been a while since he'd even thought that word let alone tried to live it, he was having difficulty "Should I put some music on Sir, it's a long trip?" the driver asked.
"It's Sam and yes" he looked at the man through his front mirror, trying to get into practice for his mindfulness session. The music wasn't something he generally listened to, but it did the job in sending him to sleep for a few hours. "Could we take a comfort break?" he woke up asking, shocking himself at being so polite. He took his break accompanied by a coffee and got back to the car "How much further is this place?"
"About another hour Si… sorry Sam" he started the engine to carry on the journey.
"I guess it will be dark by the time you get back?"
"Not at all Sam" he smiled in the mirror "I work at the Centre".
"Oh, so you do a cab service as well?"
"All part of the service" he smiled.
"So, what have I let myself in for?"
"Our mindfulness program I hope" he grinned "There'll be a day of no communication, we call it getting to grips".
"A day" Sam smiled "Sounds like heaven".
"It is what you make it" the driver looked back at the road, indicating the conversation was over.
Sam sat back imagining the white towels, crisp sheets, pampering sessions, women, and of course drunken nights that would allow him to forget, a whole three days to think of nothing but himself felt empowering. The cab suddenly left the road and travelled down a dirt road, he sat watching cars being exchanged for animals, woods, and eventually after about nine miles to his calculation they came to a cabin like building, not a movement in sight.
"How many people are here?" he asked concerned.
"Just you" the driver pulled up at the cabin "Everything you'll need, you'll find inside" he smiled "Could you leave your phone and any other gadgets in the car please, and also your watch if you have one".
"Can I take my guitar?" he looked at the man "That's actually a deal breaker".
"Sure"
"Feels like I'm going to prison" Sam laughed, leaving the other items on the seat before he stepped out the cab.
"I'll be back for you tomorrow sometime".
"What's your name by the way?" Sam called after him.
"They call me Finn" he smiled before screeching off.
Sam stood looking around, for as far as the eye could see there were only trees, and grass, it felt as if walking in any direction would lead to the end of the earth, he grabbed the door handle turned it and walked in "God" he gasped, feeling like he'd walked into the 18th Century.
There was just the one room with a bear skin rug in the middle of the floor, the feet of the bear facing an open fire, and wood piled on the left hand side of it. The deer head on the wall, beside the small window to his left, a small table and just one rocking chair to the right of the door. A hammock for a bed on the wall directly in front of him, with two blankets in it, he banged his head on the low beam as he stepped in "What the fuck have I signed up for?" he stood rubbing his head while looking at his home for the next twenty four hours.
It wasn't until late evening as he sat drinking some soup out of the pot he'd warmed it in, and the sun started to set, that he realised there was no lighting, he was actually expected to use the rusty lap sat in the middle of the table. To make things worse, as the night came in, the noise outdoors seemed to get louder "What the fuck have I let myself in for?" he grabbed the lamp to light it from the fire "I gave my fucking penthouse up for this" he looked around, putting the lamp next to his hammock before laying on it and grabbing his guitar and a blanket, there was nothing else to do except think, sing, and sleep.
It was still dark when he woke up, unsure of how long it was until daylight he attempted to go outside, the deafening sound told him to close the door, he closed the door and decided to play his guitar, strumming for a while trying to scratch something out. Eventually thinking about his life, he fell onto an old favourite reminding himself of one of the reasons he loved music, strumming until he remembered the words.
Wednesday
He played until daylight came, smiling at the thought of being a day closer to civilisation. Had a cold wash, a cup of coffee and found some dry flakes to eat before moving out to the porch to do a bit of people spotting, it was getting pretty lonely not having anyone to shout at, but for some reason he was calmer than usual.
He sat thinking life could really be this simple, there is nothing complicated about breathing, taking in the natural noise of the world, and sitting in time, taking in every second not knowing what the next second might hold, but knowing it holds something different.
The afternoon was focused on a cheese and bread lunch, with hopefully melted cheese on toast for dinner, there was nothing else in the larder all that washed down by a cup of cold water from the well at the ack of the house.
There was an air of loneliness about this time, it wasn't anything to do with being alone right now, he was fine with that, enjoyed it even, but something about the memory of being alone in the midst of company was upsetting to him.
Just sat thinking about it now, he was getting angry at those people who professed to know him but cared nothing about him enough to want to see him happy. Everyone in his life wanted something from him, with no intention of giving him anything back, he was exhausted of giving, it was turning him into someone he didn't even recognise today.
The day moved slowly, he surprised himself by falling asleep in the afternoon a luxury he hadn't afforded for a long while, waken sometime later by the sound of what might have been a wild animal making noise afar.
"Afternoon" the guy he knew to be Finn was stood in the doorway smiling at him.
"Afternoon" he shaded the sun out of his eyes and sat up.
"I thought you might welcome a proper meal this evening" Finn laughed.
"I would" he laughed "I really would".
"How did you find it?" Finn stood watching Sam get his shoes on and grab his coat.
"It was good to listen to myself breathe for once, it's been a very long time".
"That's what a lot of our customers say".
"That's encouraging" Sam grabbed his bag, guitar and walked up to the door, ready to follow the man out, breakfast on his mind.
The drive lasted around half an hour, Sam sat watching the tree lined road pass, animals in the fields in the distance and being scorched by the bright, burning sun, thankful he was in a convertible. This guy Finn wasn't really talkative, but he was very much interested in music, he kept flipping through the stations trying to find something to suit his mood.
"Please stop" Sam lifted his head off the head rest and hissed at him.
"Oooh" he looked at him shocked for the temper "I can see why you need these three days".
"Could we just drive in silence?"
"I'm sure we could, but we won't" he laughed carrying on moving the dial until he found something suitable.
"Fine" Sam rolled his eyes, his first task was going to be finding the manager to get this damn man sacked.
"This is it" Finn abruptly stopped the car outside a gate, nodding to the guard to open it "I'll park the car up and meet you inside" his voice changed from driver to instructor in a second.
Sam stood waiting for the gates to open, he could see what looked like a barn in the distance, and people walking about, he was half happy to see people, while his other half was annoyed. "What the hell" he gasped as he got closer to the building to see it was indeed a barn "Where's the hotel?" he asked someone passing by, frowning at their disregard "This is like a damn rehab centre" he carried on walking, taking everything in.
"An hour to Dinner" someone shouted, he looked across at the grey haired man getting ready to shout more orders.
"This way" a female voice grabbed his attention "I'm Becky" he looked down at the young lady stood smiling up at him "Follow me please". He followed her through the halls, reminding him of an army boot camp scene he'd seen in a movie, paying attention to the rooms he passed on the way.
"Are there shared facilities here?"
"Yes Mr Evans all our facilities are shared" Becky turned to smile at him "And there are strict rules around inspections, attending the physical exercise groups and no altering the living arrangements".
"Living conditions?" he frowned watching her opening her door "We share?" he gasped at a room full of beds "I paid and fortune for this".
"You paid a fortune for the mindfulness program Sir" she corrected him.
"Well, I thought I was at least getting a damn bed out of it".
"Exercises in ten minutes" she pointed at an empty bed "The sheets are over there" she waved her hand across the room, obviously not taken by his attitude, as she turned to walk away.
"Becky" he called after her "I'm sorry, I was just expecting something else, and this threw me for a second".
"Apology accepted" she smiled "You've got one more chance".
He quickly got changed and met up with five others for the exercise, it surprised him by leaving him feeling comfortably relaxed, he grabbed a shower, some clean clothes and set about building this mindfulness program into his everyday life. In the evening there was a lot of walking, there was so many activities to see and try, some were too easy just breathing instead of blowing up, taking time out to think of himself, eating foods that supported the system in a specific way, walking, driving, specific tasks, recreational time.
He realised that his life had wound down to rehearsing and performing, with nothing in between, so after his conversation with his mentor, he'd set himself tasks that were easily achievable throughout his working day. The fresh air and the change of focus had done him good, that night he was in bed before midnight and slept like a log with little care about the other four men, he now knew to be Puck, Jake, Shane, and Alfonso in his dorm.
Thursday
He woke up already charged for the day, demanding his body to take a walk, smell nature and let the fresh air touch his skill so he could relish in the feel of it. Breakfast was just as intense as he ate with his left hand instead of his right, just so he could concentrate more on the process of eating and take time to taste the flavours, feel the textures and smell the aroma, all things he could do every morning if he woke up an hour earlier.
The afternoon he worked out, the equivalent to rehearsals for a gig, cooling down with some breathing exercises and following on with some nature watching, for a few minutes just to focus his mind and map out what he wanted to do next, consider his plans and sort out which of his pending tasks were necessary.
Lunch was another mindful session for him, after which he had a conversation with his mentor, to discuss how he felt.
"This is a set up you've got here" he laughed sitting in the chair opposite the man sitting at the other side of the large solid wood desk "I'm in the wrong job".
"Not at all" Finn laughed "You're just going the wrong way about it".
"You might be right".
"So how are you going to make sure you practice what you've learned here?"
"I paid too damn much for it to let it slip away" he laughed "No" he sat up "Money aside, I guess it's about taking care of me more, I mean I've shouted maybe twice in the two days, that's a feeling I like".
"I guess" Finn smiled.
"I mean I worry too much about everything, I was all messed up about not getting any respect in my private life, not having a girl, although I must admit I always choose the wrong type, I go for what looks good, instead of what feels good" he looked at Finn.
"Both type's matter" he assured him "But only you know when she feels good to you…" he looked across the desk at him "Be true to yourself about that stuff, it's your life".
"Yeah" he nodded knowingly.
"So how was this experience?"
"It was good, I've used a lot more of those little suggestions than I intended, and I might not get time all the time, but I intend on using at least two thirds of them daily" he smiled "Otherwise, I'll be paying another 28K for this again and… I don't want to do that" he laughed "But jokes aside, it was worth it".
"I guess I'll see you for the drive home tomorrow morning" Finn got up to shake his hand.
"Do you drive all your clients or just the important ones?" he asked, getting up to shake the man's hand.
"All of them, they're all important" he laughed, watching Sam leave the room, there was more he wanted to try out before he left
That evening Puck, Jake, Alfonso, Sam, and Shane were all sat around an open fire, while taking in the sound of the night which seemed so familiar after just three nights, it was everyone's last night and they had a bit of a feast in celebration of taking back control of their own lives. The five men sat sharing stories of times gone past and how their stories that had led them to this place, hungry to keep hold of the calm they felt now, the fact that they'd been able to spend the night talking and listening without irritation testimony to the good work being done by the program.
"Sing us something then Mr superstar" Alfonso suggested after Sam spoke passionately about his singing.
"I don't know what to sing".
"Something we'd all know please" Puck, oldest man of the group begged.
"Okay, this is one of my favourite songs ever, I can't say much for the man over the past few months, but the music is undeniable, I'm sure we all know it" he grabbed his guitar and sat strumming before the words to 'Into the Mystic' by Van Morrison
We were born before the wind, also, younger than the sun, ere the bonnie boat was won, as we sailed into the mystic.
Hark now, hear the sailors cry, smell the sea, and feel the sky, let your soul, and spirit fly, into the mystic.
Everyone started singing along with him, getting ready for the build-up, the fire flickering, the sounds of the night and their voices howling in the air, it actually felt mystic
Yeah, when that foghorn blows, I will be coming home, yeah, when that foghorn blows, I want to hear it, I don't have to fear it.
And I want to rock your gypsy soul, just like way back in the days of old, then magnificently we will float, into the mystic.
When that foghorn blows, you know I will be coming home, yeah, when that foghorn whistle blows, I got to hear it, I don't have to fear it.
And I want to rock your gypsy soul, just like way back in the days of old, and together we will float, into the mystic, come on girl, too late to stop now.
"One of my favourite songs" Finn announced, they hadn't heard him coming "Early start tomorrow gentlemen" he reminded them, they didn't argue they got up and went to bed, all eager to be on their way in the morning"
Friday
They journey home was chatty, Sam was amazed at how much he had learned about himself, by just having the time to think in the silence, he was enthused to bring all that learning back with him "Good luck" Finn smiled hugging the man when he'd dropped him off where he'd picked him up three days earlier "No offense, but I don't want to see you again
"I don't want to make promises, but I hope you're right" he laughed, he grabbed his bag and walked back into the studio he was ready for change
"Hey" Mike smiled at seeing him arrive at work earlier than expected "How did it go?"
"It went good" Sam smiled
"If you don't mind me asking, what did you get out of it?"
He stood reflecting for a while trying to find the right words "I guess… if I respect myself everything else comes as standard" he smiled "And I have control of what I think, say and do"
"Respect?" Mike nodded his head "Powerful word"
"Let your soul and spirit fly" he smiled at his achievement
"Van Morrison" Mike stopped to look at him "Was he there?"
"In spirit" Sam laughed