January 8th,Wednesday, 1998

Dear Diary,

I am NOT exaggerating when I say that today was literally, totally, like, THE WORST. DAY. EVER!

Ahem.

You must be itching for me to dish out the dirt, so let me start from the beginning of my tragedy!

It all started when I was getting myself prepared for my audience, the rest of third street Elementary, and specifically the other Ashley's. After all, an Ashley always looks her prettiest!

And pretty, dear diary, takes WORK.

Ashley Armbruster, known to every kid in Third Street as Ashley A, leader of the eponymous group of mean fashionistas, was busy preparing herself for the day ahead.

'A little spritz here, a little spritz there, a touch of powder, and voila!', Ashley A proudly narrated, laying down her makeup tools on her pink desk. There were other deposited tools there; eyebrow tweezers ('Neat and tidy and barely noticeable!'), eyelash curlers ('Tres chique! I look like a model from MILANO!'), mascara ('Makes me as DRAMATIC as my life is!') and pink lipstick ('Just a touch! To tease~').

With all that done, Ashley now had the really fun part of her morning routine: 'Choosing an outfit!', she cried out in joy, squealing at the dresses in her 'Hollywood Star' closet daddy installed during the weekend. The yellow wooden star combined with the pink door filled with big shiny mirrors made Ashley feel even more like a princess, so she twirled before examining what to replace her heart studded PJ's with.

'There's my usual ensemble…', Ashley commented, staring fondly at her favorite outfit: A cool pink button up ('Just like Mommy dear!'), a dark gray blazer ('Commanding authority while looking stylish!'), A black skirt ('Frilly and flowy, like my soul!'), knee socks ('I want to stay cool, but not frozen cool!') and Chunky black dress shoes ('Shining like the sun!').

Now, duh, I DO love that look, dear diary. But, alas, fate decided that I would not just forget this most important of days, but that I would disrespect it with a different outfit…

Ashley scratched her chin, thoughtful, the gears turning in her head. For some reason, today felt different, today felt special, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. 'Is today a birthday? A holiday? An anniversary maybe?', Ashley considered each option, weighing it hardly in her mind. If she was missing something, she would be VERY cross with herself, and she began puffing her cheeks in concentration, breathing rapidly. Her heart pounded like the beat to her favorite boy band singles and she tapped her shoes over and over, like she was malfunctioning.

As President AND Treasurer of the Ashley's, knowing all is sort of my thing. Without me, this whole styleless street goes into chaos! The other Ashley's DEPEND on my leadership and example! So you can guess, this was buggin' me WAY out!

And when I bug out…

Taking a deep breath, Ashley flopped down on her deluxe bed full of animal plushies and Barbie dolls and grabbed a nearby Seventeen magazine issue from her bedside cabinet, which had a finished mug of warm ginseng tea chilling on it. Wrapping herself in her fake fur and mink white pink blanket, Ashley opened the pages and did what calmed her the most.

She calculated.

'I've been collecting Seventeen for exactly 5 years, 4 months, and 3 days. That's 1,950 days…'

Breath in.

'That's 64.10952 months.'

Breath out.

'278.5714 weeks.'

Breath in.

'13,650 days.'

Breath out.

'46,800 hours.'

Breath in.

'2,808,000 minutes.'

Breath out.

She felt calm, but added, for fun 'And 129 issues which means 18,318 pages, give or take a special issue or two.'

A wonderful peace settled on Ashley's mind now, and she sunk into her blanket and heart shaped pillows, nestling in the smell of comfort. 'Mmm… I'm, like, totally ready, world.'

Slowly getting up, Ashley shook her head at her original stress, like it was a silly pet. 'I would remember if today was a special day. Clearly, I'm just excited to show off one of my new FABULOUS outfits!'

And fabulous they were! Ashley had an especially exciting all orange look, dark orange on the skirt and button up blazer, with light orange on the knee socks, chocolate brown dress shoes…

'OH! MAGNIFIQUE!', Ashley cried out, and she bounded out of the bed and daintily skipped to the closet to fetch out the new look.

When I looked in the mirror, dear diary, oh! How perfect I appeared! Why, I looked as beautiful as Natalie Portman (she was the cover girl of the latest Seventeen magazine issue, dear diary, since you haven't read it)!

Looking at the mirror, Ashley observed herself with pride and satisfaction. 'I'm right, just right!', she stated, out loud, admiring her image. She couldn't wait to see the other Ashley's gawk, especially her best friend out of them, Ashley B (Ashley Boulet). She was always so spectacular in her 'Clueless' inspired look (The Ashley's favorite movie, they watched it every fortnight).

Picking up the magazine, Ashley compared herself to Natalie Portman. 'Ha, I bet she'd be speechless! I can see it now, Ashley M!'

Ashley M didn't come out, so Ashley put to fingers to her lips and whistled. 'Muffin! I know you're in here somewhere, you silly kitty!'

Muffin (affectionately known as Ashley M too, so she wouldn't feel left out) crawled out from the plushie mountain and meowed happily at her mama. Ashley A grabbed her hat rack and began to dance around. 'Imagine, Ashley M! Natalie arrives for my schway crunk, all gleaming and enchanting as ever!'

Ashley then leaned on her wall and adopted her most smug and charming smile. 'Then I'd greet her, like she was just another girl. 'Oh, Natalie, I presume? I didn't see you there, darling.'

Muffin seemed to chuckle at that, and Ashley beamed, higher pitched as she continued. 'Oh, AS IF! Who am I kidding? I would be SCREAMING inside, Muffin! I'd grab her hand and rush to the dance floor, center of attention! Did you see her in 'Diary of a young girl?' And that movie daddy said was inappropriate, 'Beautiful girls'? Not sure why, but FYI, she was SOOO witty!'

Ashley kept twirling. 'Point is, Ashley M, she's an INCREDIBLE dancer and an AMAZING conversationalist too! We would chat for hours on all the Hollywood gossip, and she wouldn't care that I was 9 because I'm just THAT GIRL, ya know?'

The girl was starting to sound all dreamy, and she spoke in a hushed whisper as she grabbed the magazine and neared the cover to her lips. 'Why, I bet she gives the best kisses…'

Ashley then froze, a crimson blush spreading across her cheeks as quickly as embarrassment spread across her brain. She fake laughed, and pet the kitty, who seemed to give her a raised eyebrow. 'Of course, to boys! I bet she could teach me how to get a real good one! Ha!'

Ashley sighed. She never seemed to find the right one, so far. Sure, she knew which ones were supposed to be attractive, but for whatever reason she was still looking. 'Picky, like you, eh, Muffin?', she teased, the kitten rolling her eyes and retreating back to plush mountain.

Straightening her clothes and hair, and applying the pink headband she loved so dearly, Ashley presented herself like a magician. 'Ta da! How do I look?'

'Like a normal girl!', her obnoxious little brother, Tyler, butted in, sticking his tongue out. 'Now get a move on, you're gonna be late for school! Mom's drivin'!'

'Coming!', Ashley called out, while sticking her tongue out at Tyler and doing the L sign. 'LOSER!'

'GIRL!'

Ashley sighed. 'Someone should ban little brothers and sisters.'

'What did I do?', Britney asked, stealing her hair brush.

Ashley grabbed at it and growled. 'You have eyes? How about you see yourself OUTTA here!'

The other sibling gone, Ashley groaned, before allowing herself a small smile. 'At least I have the other Ashley's. Now THOSE are true sisters!'

So yeah, about that true sisters thing? That lasted a good half hour. One stupid ambulance wait later (don't they know I'm late for school?), I arrived not to fanfare but, well, more like a funeral…

'Gosh, that solar eclipse sure was something, huh guys?', Gretchen Grundler, the resident genius of Third Street, asked her best friends in the whole world. Her nose was buried in a flyer for a new museum in town, and she seemed as excited about that as about the solar event that occurred the previous day.

So excited she nearly ran into a lamppost. Vince LaSalle, the tall all around athlete and cool kid, was happy to assist her from not smashing her face in. 'Sure was, Gretch! But let's make sure you don't see more stars, okay?'

'Yeah! The only one who should be seein' stars is that slimy worm, Randal!', Ashley Spinelli, the pint-sized tomboy of the group, shook her fist in anticipation. 'Not that he's done anythin' so far, but I'm just bein' prepared, ya know?'

'Oh, Spinelli, you are like the first fire discovered by our ancestors of yore; dangerous to the touch, but passionate, so misjudged!', Mikey Blumberg, the resident poet and big guy of the group, sang her praises with his soft tone.

'You've been reading those romance books your dad has again, eh, big guy?', asked Gus Griswald, the resident small guy and brave coward of the group, clutching his pockets at every sharp wind.

'You know it, little guy.'

'Well, I for one am planning on seeing nothin'! And by nothin', I mean nothin' that can ruin this lovely day!', Gus pitched, smiling brightly, as he accompanied his newfound friends who felt like family despite only knowing them for about 4 months.

'Uh oh. Might need to put a raincheck on that sunny day, Gus, we've got a purple alert!', T.J Detweiler, the leader of the gang, backed up right as they reached the corner that led to the school. The rest of the group, sans Gretchen, fell backwards because of that.

'Purple alert? Oh, no, already?', Mikey sighed. 'Why, why must the fates torture us so?'

'Purple alert? Don't you mean red alert?', Gus asked, shrugging his shoulders in confusion.

T.J began to explain. 'Purple alert because today is Purple Day!'

'Because we're all supposed to wear purple? Darn, we better go change!', Gus panicked, but Spinelli calmed him down with a pat on the shoulders. 'No, buddy, it's only Ashley's who wear it, to make fun of everyone who doesn't!'

'But they always make fun of us, what makes today so different?', Gus asked.

'Because Purple Day is their opportunity for flagrant and egregious assault on kids' modus operandi.', Vince summed it up nicely.

T.J let out an impressed whistle. 'Ooh, Vince with the vocabulary! I would have expected Gretchen to say that!'

'Well, I felt like I had to fill in for her since she's not here.'

'NOT HERE?!', the kids all suddenly cried out, peeping out of the wall.

Quite right, Gretchen, still buried in her book, was headed straight towards the Ashley's, who were busy making fun of some other kid.

'Hey, second grader, nice ensemble.', Ashley Q (Quinlan) remarked to a younger student. The girl flashed a bright smile.

'NOT!', she and the other Ashley's, Ashley B and Ashley T (Tomassian), all said in unison. The girl walked away, forlorn.

'Oh no! They'll pulverize Gretchen!', Vince cried out.

'Not before I pulverize them!', Spinelli retorted.

'What do we do?', Mikey asked, worried.

'A good soldier never leaves a man behind! Or, well, woman!', Gus tried to sound brave, and puffed up his chest, nearly falling from the effort.

'Gus is right! Maybe, if we sneak around fast, like ninjas, we'll stop her before it's too late!', T.J rallied them, and they all took a deep breath…

And rushed out like maniacs, since there were no bushes or things to hide behind.

This, of course, led to them al rolling into a tumbled heap next to the Ashley's, who were situated on the steps to the school, with Gretchen bumping into Ashley B.

'Ugh! Who… Oh, I see. It's just The Loser League!', Ashley B laughed, the others following suit.

'Hey, that's not our… Actually, now that I think about it, we don't have a name, do we?', T.J stated, scratching his head.

'Do we need one?', Vince questioned.

'I'm partial to The Recess Rapscallions!', Mikey offered.

'Eh, alliteration gives me a headache.', Spinelli shot it down.

They stood up, dusting themselves off, now having to face the other headache: The Ashley's insults.

'Ooh, let's see, we've got the same outfits you wear all the time, and they age like my mom without Botox!', Ashley Q barbed.

'What happened, you came back from a sears catalogue convention?', Ashley T sniggered quietly.

'No, girls, they're just auditioning for the sequel to Titanic! Because they're outfits are an INTERNATIONAL TRAGEDY!', Ashley B finished them off, and the girls laughed mockingly once more, the gang all frowning in frustration, except for Gretchen, who kept a neutral face.

'And especially you, Grundler!', Ashley B stepped up to the genius, smirking smarmily. 'Yours is to die for! By which I mean, I want to die just from looking at it!'

Another chorus of laughter. But Gretchen simply smiled and closed her eyes. 'I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say to me sticks back to you', she retorted simply, and left without a look back.

'Yeah, what she said! We don't care what you have to say, right guys?', T.J asked, and the rest of the gang agreed, leaving off with their chests puffed up.

Spinelli then looked back and stuck her tongue out, and the Ashley's stuck theirs back.

'Say, where's Ashley A? She knows it's Purple Day! It's not like her to be late.', Ashley B asked in impatience.

'I'm sure she'll be here any minute.', Ashley T reassured her.

'Look, there she is!', Ashley Q pointed excitedly, and the girls ran off to where the corvette was parked.

Out came Ashley A, frustrated to no end. 'Ugh, I can't believe how late I am! Mommy just HAD to stop for an ambulance and I'm like, telling her 'Mommy, I'm TOTALLY late for…'

'GASP!', the three other Ashley's gasped. When Ashley A looked down, she understood why.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

And that, Dear Diary, wasn't even the worst of it!

Recess was one of my favorite shows as a kid, and out of nowhere after rewatching a few eps I got a great idea, and so, here's a very different take to the season 2 ep, 'Outcast Ashley', though this has a lot more plot after it, this is more like multiple episodes XD. Enjoy!