What is this, you ask? Good question! I've had many requests to make something based around Meredith's Harper Avery but, realistically, if Derek lived, I think he would have ended up getting one too. So, here's that!
Their stories intertwine a little, hence why I've put them together, and there's a (pleasant, don't worry!) plot twist at the end for both of them.
Much of this is neutral content (ie, not massively angsty or fluffy), but this does also contain 13x24 (the hospital fire), which does not end well for one of our beloved characters (no death though, promise!).
This is a longitudinal book, so sometimes there's going to be a short amount of time between scenes, and sometimes there's going to be a long amount of time between them, as it spans over a few years.
Anyway, enjoy!
Derek Shepherd knew what pain was. He knew that some pains lasted a long amount of time and some pains lasted a short amount of time. He knew that it wasn't always necessarily the short pains that hurt the most before healing. He knew that some pains never went away. He had accepted that some pains would never go away. He knew that physical bruises and broken bones weren't the only kind of thing that could hurt. And he knew that he didn't need to be the one in pain to feel his heart squeeze in his chest.
Most hours of the day, he didn't absorb other's pain. He couldn't; he wouldn't survive one day of work if he took in the pain of his patients. Sometimes it managed to creep in, but he did his best to keep it at bay. That changed when he was with the people he loved. He felt pain when his kids cried (well, the two that weren't crying 24/7, seeing as Elle's cries were unfounded and only ever occurred because she was hungry) and his wife was stressed and his sister was upset over a deceased patient.
But, one day, he knew that the pain would start...and never stop. He would say it wouldn't dissipate until the day she died, but he was sure that his heart was going to physically stop too if she flatlined before him. He didn't want it to do that, he'd leave their children, but he couldn't imagine a world without Meredith Grey in it. After the last year of his life, he wasn't sure he'd even have a world if Meredith Grey wasn't in it. But, one day, she'd be gone
He didn't know when Meredith would stop being Meredith. Was his world break on the day of her diagnosis, or the first time she forgot his name, or the first time she asked where she was, or the first time she asked if she had children, or the day she died? He didn't know.
It was a horrifying disease. Meredith always said it was worse on the people around the patient, just like how death is hardest on the living, but when her mother slipped into lucidity and she had to explain what was happening to her, that was...something that couldn't be put into words. How was he supposed to do that? How the hell was he supposed to respond when Meredith broke out of her oblivious state and asked where the last five years had gone?
He couldn't do that. Couldn't.
Unfortunately, if it was easy to find a cure for the disease, someone would have done it a long, long time ago. So he promised himself he'd join the search. After all, the answer had to be out there somewhere, and maybe he'd be the lucky one to find the needle in the hay stack or the perfect fish in the sea or the jackpot-winning selection of numbers. Normally, he'd be competitive and wish to achieve as much as possible, but, when it came to Alzheimer's, he couldn't care less if someone else found a cure before him, because this was for his family. He would frown at someone who made any other achievement that he was after before him, but, when it came to this, he'd give them flowers and champagne and say thanks and offer a hug. He'd offer anything for someone to find a cure.
And he'd just been given his own opportunity on a silver platter. But, despite the fact that he was so desperate, it wasn't that easy.
"When are you going back?"
He sighed as he scrubbed his eyes. "Thursday."
"Thursday?" Meredith repeated at a shout. "Derek, you said-"
"I know what I said, but the project is-" He interrupted, not needing the scolding. His mind was scolding him enough already.
"But the project is what, Derek? Does the project want to eat tea with you? Does the project want to actually spend a night with its husband? Does the project have a kid who it wants you to take to school? Who wants love? Who actually wants to see Dad for more than two days a week? Oh wait. That's me. That's me, your wife, and Zola and Bailey, your children. Almost forgot, seeing as I haven't seen you in so freaking long. And now you're going again. Again!"
"I'm sorry, Meredith-" He tried, standing from the kitchen stool to face her.
"I don't care! Sorry doesn't make me forgive you. Sorry doesn't make the kids forgive you."
"I know, but I can't not be there." He replied with a defeated frown.
"Why not? Why can't someone else do it for once?"
He sighed. "Because they need me."
"Oh!" Meredith exclaimed in a loud, boomy voice that definitely didn't suit her. "Sorry. I forgot that you were an unreplaceable god who the project will die without, forgot about that bit!"
"Meredith-"
"Don't Meredith me with that voice. You can't make this better with your McDreamyness, Derek." She scolded back, interrupting him.
"You know how important his project is to medicine, Dr Grey, seeing as you can't seem to see me as your husband anymore."
"Now I've forgotten where your commitments lie? Oh right, with your job."
"With helping people. Not my job. With helping people. I'm trying to help people Meredith. And I'm sorry that you don't like that, but if you'd just move to DC then none of this would be an issue. None of it. At all!"
"For the last freaking time Derek, I am not going to trail my husband because of his big fancy job. We are not in nineteen-freaking-fifty! I'm a surgeon too!"
"I know. And I also know that there are plenty of general surgeon attending jobs – head of general surgery positions, even – available in DC."
"But the idea that I'm following you-"
"Why? Why is the idea of following the man you love so freaking difficult for you to commit to?"
"Because I want to be Meredith Grey. I don't want to be Derek Shepherd's wife. I am a person. I am a surgeon. I deserve to be given the chance to develop by myself- to make my own medical breakthroughs. You got yours. You've already done hundreds of inoperable tumours and- all this stuff I wanted to do- you've already done that. So where is my go, Derek? When do I get a chance to do that?"
"I'm holding you back."
"Yes. Jesus, how have you never noticed that?"
"I'm holding you back?" He repeated, although this time his inflections were a lot clearer. Disgust. Anger. Disbelief.
"Derek, just tell me what you mean- I can't be bothered to-" She replied, confused about why in the world he thought he had a right to be mad at her.
"I'm 48. When I was- 40, I didn't think I'd be here. You know what I thought I'd be doing instead?"
"No. What did you think you'd be doing instead?" She asked, as he was so obviously asking for the question.
"I'd just met this incredible woman. Meredith Grey. Incredible. Loved her, adored her, wanted her kids, wanted her, despite the fact that it was likely I wasn't going to get everything I wanted. I'd get thirty years of good marriage, and then she'd forget who I was."
"Derek-"
"So you know what I did? I vowed that I would fix that disease. And you know who ruined that for me Meredith? Do you know who destroyed any chance I had of helping the woman I love so much that the idea makes me want to punch someone in the face or cry or- something- both of those things- I don't know. But you know who did that?"
She didn't answer. She couldn't. She couldn't even squeak out the one word he wanted.
"You, Meredith. So don't you dare say I'm holding you back. You held me back. You got me blacklisted – blacklisted."
"Jesus, how many times do we need to go through this? It. Was. For. Adele. Adele Webber, the chief's wife, Richard's wife, okay?"
"Which was nice, really, I can comprehend that that was a nice thing to do, but nice is not what stops people from dying. Being nice ruined everything. If my trial would have worked, think about how many people you killed when you were being nice, Meredith. How many lives did you ruin, just because you wanted to be nice? You never see the bigger picture, that is the problem. You. Never. See. The. Bigger. Picture. That niceness is going to kill you thirty years earlier, and kill our son thirty years earlier than he should die, okay? I've spent so fucking long in DC because if I can map any brain, then maybe I can map the brain of someone with Alzheimer's, and maybe I can find out why and what and how and give you and Bailey your sixty years back, okay? I'm sorry I've not been here for every date or dinner or school morning run, but maybe a few years of this work will let you meet your grandkids – will let Bailey even want to have kids, because you never know whether or not he might decide not to have kids because of it – and let you take Zola to her white coat ceremony- just know Zola at the same time as the ceremony, even. Okay? So do you get it yet? Do you get the bigger picture yet Meredith? Do you get that I don't want to give you time when you took so, so much of mine?"
"Derek-"
"If you're going to Derek me, I'm going to leave." He threatened when she named him, but didn't continue. If he wasn't allowed to do that, neither was she. "So?"
She looked at him for a solid ten seconds before sighing in defeat. What the hell was she supposed to say to that?
He didn't speak, and left the kitchen. She heard footsteps clatter up the stairs, before a door slam that so fuelled with so much anger that she was sure it shook the windows rung through the house.
"What?" Meredith sat up in her hospital bed. Ellis had been taken to have some time alone - mainly because Meredith and Derek couldn't leave her alone and she was struggling to drift off with their presence - so she had been sat alone while Derek saw Zola and Bailey off for their sleepover. "What's wrong with her?"
He paused in the doorway with raised eyebrows at her bombardment of exclamations. That was not what he expected when he entered. "Nothing, Mer. She's absolutely fine."
"Are you sure? You have that face."
"That face?" He echoed with a smirk as he pushed himself into the room, pausing besides her bed and grasping her hand. "What is 'that face'?"
"Is it Jason then? Does he have a deficit?" She pushed as she squeezed his hand. It was almost like they had their own minds. Meredith and Derek were having a serious, worrisome conversation, but their hands just wanted to intertwine with each other and squeeze each other with love.
"No, Jason is completely fine, according to Amelia's update. His ICP is stable and he had a clear neuro exam."
"So? What's with that face if Jason and the baby are fine?"
Derek swallowed. "Astor Kron was in the gallery of my surgery. Of Jason's surgery."
"What? What's with the smile?" He asked, pinching at her cheek as he formed his own grin.
"Nothing...it's just funny. He's like a European version of you."
"A European version of me?" He echoed out of surprise of her description, although he did understand what she meant.
"You know, neurogod, one of the best in his field, always removing inoperable tumours, arrogant..." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Good hair and very handsome."
"Meredith!" He exclaimed, forgetting that Zola was on his lap. Luckily, she didn't stir from her nap, still dozing silently.
"What? I'm just saying!" She said through a giggle that she managed to suppress for her daughter.
"You and I know both know I have much better hair than him." Derek retorted. He wasn't as egotistical as he used to be, but he was confident enough in his hair to know not many could beat the quality of his. In fact, it was his favourite physical feature of himself.
She smirked before teasing, "Whatever helps you sleep at night dear."
"Seriously? Is he still here? Can I meet him?" She asked like a fangirl lining up at the red carpet. Even her head rose from her pillow a little.
"Hey!" Derek exclaimed, faking offense at her excitement. "You have your own hot and famous neurosurgeon."
"I do own a sexy and incredibly talented neurosurgeon, yes you're right." She agreed with a smile and a pair of eyes that he swore almost morphed into hearts as she stared at him. Unfortunately, despite the fact she adored him, she still really wanted to see the man. "But did you meet him? Was he nice? Can I meet him? Is he still here? Does he have privileges because I know we said no surgery while the baby settles but maybe we could-"
"Meredith." Derek interrupted, a slight stern edge to his voice. Despite that, it wasn't a bark; he was smiling slightly. It was more a joking jealous than a real jealous, although she knew he did like to guard her a little sometimes around the threat of a handsome, single man. "What did I just say about you not needing him?"
"Right. Just- tell me you met him."
"Yeah. We talked for a little bit, actually."
Her eyebrows creased as she examined his face. Maybe Astor wasn't the guy she thought he was. "Did he say something to you? Something rude? Cause you know that he's just-"
"No, no. Nothing like that. In fact, he was one of the most polite people in that way." He reassured her. There were no intrusive questions, no obsessive staring, nor awkward half looks at his chair. He was the perfect model of how he wished the world would act in his presence, in fact.
"But?" She pushed, knowing there was something he wasn't telling her.
He sighed as he processes his next sentence. He knew how quickly the conversation was going to be flipped on its head - or rather, smashed into pieces - and that worried him to the point that his heart rate was a little elevated. But the longer he left the conversation, the more angry she'd be about the whole thing. "It's not DC."
She paused instantly at that statement. DC. She would say all that filled her mind was the hell that that job bought, but she wasn't sure there were any good connotations that could have been bought up anyway. The missed dates and birthdays and weekends and plans and surgeries. The disappointment. The mistrust. The arguments. The ego. The hatred. The anger. The neglected kids. The neglected wife. Just...neglect.
"What isn't DC?" She breathed in a lowered, worried tone that shook a little in her throat.
He swallowed. Another statement he knew would cause an exclamation was about to drop from his mouth. "He offered me a job."
"In Germany? Freaking Germany?" She questioned, her voice at a shout. She didn't care about other sleeping mothers who had also just shoved out babies on the ward, what he had said most definitely warranted a shout . A scream, perhaps. "Yeah, you're right- that's not anything like DC. You might as well move to Mars if you-"
"In Tacoma." He interrupted in a calm voice, hoping she would parrot his amplitude and stop shouting. "He offered me a job in Tacoma, Seattle."
"Tacoma?" She repeated at an acceptable volume for a conversation.
"If – if – I take it, I can just get the train everyday. There's a station between our house and the hospital. They leave about every hour."
"You've looked into all this already? When did he tell you about it?"
"Before I told the kids and Amelia. He was stalking me...waiting outside the room for me." He said, slowing a little as he realized how truly weird that was.
"So, head of neurosurgery? At Northwest Tacoma hospital? That's their best, right? But then why is that to do with Dr Kron?"
"He read about my clinical trial, I presume." Derek supposed. Otherwise, he wasn't sure why he would have recieved the offer.
"I also come to gift you a lab for research, and some million dollars to cure Alzheimer's disease."
"Your...Alzheimer's trial?"
"Mmm. And he made the link between me, you, your mother and the fact that Alzheimer's often travels down the family tree. He also has the Alzheimer's gene. His father just died, and his brother was just diagnosed."
"Derek, you were blacklisted by the FDA; he can't offer you a clinical trial."
"The FDA is American. So, if I'm not in America, it's not illegal."
"I hate to break it to you, but Tacoma, Washington, United States of America, is in America."
"But the German Embassy is not."
Embassy? Meredith took a second to process that. "He's offering you a job in Germany, but in America?"
"Don't ask me how he has a lab- or well, I guess, the option to build a lab- in an embassy but- yeah."
"But- why didn't he just ask- Amelia. Or one of his neurosurgeon friends in Germany. Why you?"
"You have fear for your wife and children. So I know you...have dedication. Because I have same fear for my own self, and my family. We are the same."
"Because of you, Mer. And the kids...but I didn't answer, he gave me his number and left. I wanted to talk to you, and he gave me two months to decide because he thinks my brain is going to turn to banana with a new baby and he doesn't want me to regret my decision."
"Right. And you...you want to?"
He sighed. "I don't want your brain to turn into banana with Alzheimer's, Mer. I need you...and our kids need you."
"So, that's a yes? Yes, you want to take this job?"
"I want to cure Alzheimer's. But I can't- couldn't." He corrected. A week ago, he couldn't. Now, he had the chance.
"But now...now you might be able to." She concluded, the corners of her lips turning up just a little.
"Maybe. Obviously it actually has to work but...yeah, maybe."
"And your job here?"
"I can split my hours between the lab and here." He explained before he felt panic flush through his blood. "Not more hours though- not more, okay, I'm not going to do that again, I promise. I am-"
"Not going to do DC again. Yes, Derek, I know." Meredith interrupted, not wanting him to ramble anxiously any longer than he needed to. "I trust you Derek. Seriously. I know you're not going to do that again."
"So...you're okay? If I took the job- that would be okay?"
She smiled. "Would it be okay if my husband took a job to save my future and my kids from a potentially damming neurodegerenitive disease?"
He grinned back. She made a very, very good point. "Right. So...if you say it's okay and I- I mean, obviously, I want to do this then-"
Her slight smile cracked open to a grin. "Then what the hell are you waiting for? Call the guy, stat, before he changes his mind!"