( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)
Oh, shit, yeah, here comes danzy,
he's starting a new story on his fucking Ducati,
Bye ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)
Please Be Normal
〖Chapter 1〗
⦕ Where the Hell is Hyoudou Issei ⦖
Kuoh Town was dull, for the most part. Normally dull.
If he was sent to this small town without a specific purpose other than to sit back, kick back, and relax, then he'd have considered this 'vacation' as a backhanded compliment to his thankless services.
Seriously, what's the harm in saying 'good job', 'well done', 'great work, pal, here's some candy'? He wasn't even asking much. A simple 'thanks' would do, but no. Because it was 'expected' from him, gratitude was thrown out the window because 'ha ha, we're gods, you're a human, do as we say or we'll fire your ass'. A fireman is expected to put out a fire and still they'll get thanked for putting them out. If they fail, they'll get a complimentary 'thank you for the effort' at the very least. Maybe with some helpless waterworks.
If they didn't offer him dental and other health benefits, he would have torn his contract and looked for a new career opportunity. Bartending seemed to be on the hype these days, but he simply had enough of customer interactions. If waiters had the chance and didn't need the cash, he was 100% certain there'd be no waiters in the Human World. Human Realm, Overworld, The Upside — or whatever they called it these days.
Once he retired, perhaps being a daring truck driver might be fun. Drive heavily loaded vehicles across frozen lakes to deliver supplies to remote locations in the frozen wasteland in the northern hemisphere? Sounds awesome. He always wanted the chance to raise a middle finger to Mother Nature. Traverse the 'impossible' terrain without the need of flashy cool powers, simply using human perseverance, stubbornness, and their inventions.
He wanted a little element of thrill to spice up his life. Controlled chaos had always been fun. Heck, it was what he had been doing for the past seven years.
Today was his seventh anniversary, for a fact, and what did he get for his flawless record? A minimum raise and a new assignment straight to his face.
Wowzers. What joy. What a benevolent benefactor and how fortunate he was to be under their service.
Then again, outside of business, they were pretty alright individuals. As long as they were not in the same room. Problem was, Gaea wanted to bring the entire earth back to nature 'where it belongs', or so the treehugger had said. With a giant, sweet, innocent smile on her face, might he add. Erebus wouldn't mind that, as long as the whole land was covered in eternal darkness 'as they were before they are', whatever the hell that guy meant. But as most plants required light to breathe and look pretty, Gaea firmly refused.
Meanwhile, Eros, that horny Primordial, wanted Humans to embrace each other and then some. As Humans couldn't see in the dark because they were not owls and needed oxygen produced by trees to survive and also thrive, while at the same time, burn down forests to make space for their factories or to supply their greedy megacorporations, you could understand why these Primordial siblings hardly get along with each other.
In his Human perspective, their extreme ambition arrived due to parental neglect. If Chaos didn't swim around in the Void or getting lost like the senile old man he was, and had taught his children how to behave, explain to them why dreams and goals were nice but consideration to other living entities should not be stepped over like a bump under a rug, then…
Well. To put it bluntly; he'd be jobless. The Custodian was originally a profession passed down through generations. Normally they wouldn't take the mantle until they were 29 (when our brain is most ripe according to these weirdos), but desperate times called for desperate measures, and Leonard Speirs, a few years young as he might, was the only desperate measure available.
Speirs had a single job to do, and that job was to prevent any Universe from blendering themselves and mess up the Auditor's prided 'natural Order of things' that was extremely vague. Be it due to a single misstep, a collaboration effort of fucked up doom-engineering individuals, or someone influential to the balance was tripped by someone who deemed themselves as the manipulative asshole. The ostensible Big Bad Evil Guys who worked from the shadows to annoy the living out of the light and make ordinary people's life a living hell.
He'd asked why couldn't they just get rid of those kinds of people as they were oh so powerful, and The Auditors of Realities laughed at him and went full on philosophy on him about the usual 'there are certain Order of things' drivel and all of that Balance Scale crap, but he truly believed they didn't believe any of that. He believed that deep down in that thing that was closest to be considered as a heart, they wanted to prolong the show.
Gods were strange enough as is. Primordials were downright sadists. Misery to them was entertainment.
No way he was The Custodian — he's their babysitter. Chaos hired him and his ancestors to keep those rabid spawns off his back so he could enjoy his perpetual vacation.
Fun.
But there were times to moan and complain and there were times to make others moan and beg, and now was neither of such time, as it was his first day at school, and he already made a significant blunder during his opening moves.
As a couple pairs of eyes leered at him, one a pretty shade of blue and green mixed together, brimming with interest, the other a set of violet as purple as an aubergine — his favorite veggie especially when fried, Speirs knew one thing almost in the instance he met the Devils' gaze.
Those morons had enrolled him not only in the wrong class, but also in the wrong goddamn year.
Break
A simple time travel could have fixed this issue.
As well as bred a slew of new ones as time travel was never as simple as jumping back and forth as he so pleased. Each time a Jump or Leap was commenced, he'd have an extra Universe on his dinner plate, that is the Universe he Jumped off. One Universe was trouble enough, so no thank you.
Chronos meant well, truly he did, but this device of his had never seen any action other than being a nice silver watch on his wrist with the brand 'Kronii' inside the glass, written in faint letters. It would appear as whatever brand the Creatures of this Earth were most familiar with.
He learned it was Seiko as a random classmate had told him, saying their watches matched. He noncommittally smiled and nodded along in return, giving a thumb's up. He was unimportant, sadly. Speirs would have loved to be acquainted with normal people who had nothing to do with the safety or the ruination of their Universe.
"Hello, Speirs-san," the Fallen-Human-Devil Hybrid greeted him as she along with the red-haired she-Devil approached his desk, which happened to be at the front of the class, nearest to the exit. And still they were quick enough to stop him from heading to make first contact or at least observe the crux of this Universe's problem and answer; Hyoudou Issei. The Boy Who Lived.
…Wait no. That one wasn't his.
"Hello," he said, just for the sake of not being an ass. "Uh...konnichiw—"
"We're fine with English," the Devil smoothly interjected, her nimble arms folded under her huge mammaries, her puffed uniform sleeves dangling by her elbows. "You don't have to strain yourself when you're not used to Japanese."
"Ogey." He nodded dully. A Custodian didn't have to bother themselves with the concept Language as a different Universe's English might be another's Latin, but he had to appear normal to these beings. For a time, at least, until he was certain what category of Devils they fell in.
Malicious or just devious.
Bona fide or just for show.
Evil or not-good-but-not-bad.
"I'm Rias Gremory." She handed out a smile. It was pleasant. It was kind. It smelled like she wanted something from him and he did not appreciate that, no matter how nice or pleasing her voice might be. "And this is Akeno. Himejima Akeno."
He nodded at the two. "Ello. Speirs. Speirs Leonard."
The two of them giggled. It wasn't even that funny. At least he didn't think it was. Sense of humor widely varied between Realities that he just stopped caring. Some considered him funny, some plain, some downright offensive. No use in pleasing everyone he met anyway — they'd forget him and his involvement once he completed his job.
"Charmed," the ponytailed girl whirred, her smile subtly seductive, her gaze attempting to pierce right through his heart and loins.
'Someone's thirsty.' With that thought swimming in his mind, Speirs stood up, gave the two girls a nod and a thin smile, and waltzed out the exit since they didn't say anything else. He didn't care why, but if he did, then it was due to the fact he left them stranded by his desk without looking back.
.
Rias Gremory was, without a better word to describe it, stunned.
"Did he just..."
"Walk away from us," she completed her Queen's wonderment. "Yes. Yes he just did."
"And my Charm didn't have any effect…" Akeno giggled. Behind her was a classroom full of her victims, remaining blissfully unaware of the conversation between the two supernatural beings. And yet the boy resisted it, perhaps without him even knowing… Nonetheless an obvious sign that he was, as Rias had guessed from the moment she laid eyes on him, a potential.
With a fleeting giggle, she asked her King, "What do you think?"
"We'll watch. For a day."
"In case you wonder, I think he's perfectly impassive. Acute amnesia? No parents? No relatives? And in spite of all those tragedies…he's able to smile and converse normally with his classmates?" Akeno shuddered as she hugged herself, "Ahn~…those warm yet jaded eyes…I want to see them truly writhe in despair..."
"You need help," Rias dryly commented. She was no stranger to her Queen's taste in sadism, but sometimes, just sometimes, it freaked her out at times. At least the priestess hurled it towards her enemies.
Akeno only giggled as she strutted outside the classroom. Rias idly followed her to the balcony, and noted that the black haired boy had not only left the class, but the entire floor.
"What do you reckon his Piece will be?"
"Hard to say. As long as he's within the available Pieces then I'm sorted," she mused. Her new Servant would surely appreciate another male companion that wasn't, as Issei himself had begrudgingly put it, 'handsome bishounen'. While Speirs was not ugly by any means, he did not have the definition of a stunningly handsome person either. Dull gray eyes, tall indeed, average built, no easily noticeable muscle definitions…
Perhaps his most unique trait, physical wise at least, would be his hair and his long eyelashes that curled up. Black of color. Charcoal black. A boring black some might say, but they were wavy and looked so fluffy, and Rias couldn't help but desire to sink her fingers through.
One day… for sure. Once she had him wrapped around her finger.
That, and the fact that he sported a full beard. A thin one and neatly trimmed. A beard was a rarity in this school in and of itself, and she was sure he might be the only male student with facial hair in her year. She found it hard to imagine the female bodies of this school to actively pursue a foreigner, especially one with a stubble that gave him the impression that he was older than he looked.
Curious, perhaps, but the Japanese people were not known for their warmness towards outsiders. Tolerate, sure, but offering more than mere hospitality and basic interactions required trust built over time.
Sadly time was against her side. Or, more appropriately, her rival. Sona had been on the watch to complete her Peerage, and her available Pieces were one Rook, one Knight, and three Pawns. Rias owned a set each for the Minor Pieces and an extra Rook, but that was it. She no longer had the versatility of the Pawns, and that worried her greatly.
And as if the Sitri's pressure was not enough, there was a Rating Game against Riser that might forever seal her fate. Rias didn't just want to strengthen her Peerage. She needed it.
She must make her move, and fast.
.
Finding the goddamn target was not an easy task. Heck, Speirs hadn't seen a glimpse of him and he could've sworn he had navigated the entire main school building, wandering classrooms to classrooms, ignoring the weird stares from his temporary schoolmates.
One thing to note: Kuoh Academy was ridiculously huge. As to be expected from a school that combined middle school and high school all at once, as well as being the most prestigious and sought after institution of the entire town. All thanks to the Devils and their ample resources and their hypnotize ability, no doubt. That said, weren't the skirt length a bit low? Did the Humans of this nation decide this was okay? He could've sworn the Japanese were absurdly strict with their school uniform mandates.
Eh. Whatever. New World, New Rules. New Minimum Skirt Length apparently.
Regardless, which of those Auditors feckers mistyped the word in his enrollment form…? Though if he had to guess, it must be Eros, and it wasn't accidental. That pervert probably just wanted to see him bang those Devils till kingdom come.
Well tough luck. He had no inclination to complicate his matters by romantically associating himself with a crucial player of a scenario, and physical relationships were just as risky. Others with few effects were fair game, however.
In the midst of his search, the school bell rang, and he had to retreat back to his classroom or risk getting caught loitering around and be sent to detention. He couldn't have that. That'd be a great waste of his time. And patience.
It was wearing thinner that these Devils approached him again during the second break.
"Speirs," the redhead greeted. "The size of this school might be daunting to some… Would you like to be shown around the school?"
"No thanks," he denied outright, standing up, preparing to leave. "I have…shown myself around."
Rias had to blink to fully register his blunt rejection. He didn't even think twice. Hell, he didn't seem to think as it was so instant.
"Well…but you were alone, weren't you?" the Fallen Devil went on, tittering as she walked to block his path. "You may have missed several spots…corners where students or teachers rarely pass by."
He thought for a moment, and they mistook his consideration as a consideration towards Akeno's hintful offer. It wasn't. Speirs was considering the possibility that Hyoudou Issei, for whatever strange reason, decided to prowl in those spots and corners.
…Gaea did mention the boy might be a bit…abnormal. Maybe this was what she meant by that.
"Aight."
.
His game of cat and mouse didn't end yet, much to his chagrin, as he could have skipped all of this needless wandering if he was enrolled in the right class and year. He should've been seated next to Hyoudou Issei, not flanked by these two she-Devils. They talked and talked about the school as if it was built on some hallowed ground, and for some odd reason, everyone that was around always turned their eyes towards them, dropped their jaws, squealed, muttered 'Two Great Ladies!' with a look of awe, or death glared at him if they were male.
Then he discovered they were the green eyes of envy.
Jealous.
Because he was walking with them.
He wasn't even actively chatting with them, he was just walking. He might just be their hostage or their bodyguard, but no. They believed that he was a threat to all mankind because their school idols decided to talk to him for reasons unclear to them.
'Get a life, Jesus Christ,' he had found himself thinking when he returned their rude stare with an even ruder one, a demeaning one, one of great distaste as if he was staring at trash. 'Touch some grass you pansies.' But all he said was "Hell are you lookin' at?" and they all looked away.
Probably because they didn't understand English.
He didn't catch it, but his snide stare had stirred something within the Hybrid. Akeno had subconsciously swallowed her spit when she caught his glare.
She wanted to make him break.
The tour didn't bear any fruit. His head hurt from having to nod and pretend like he cared about the location of the Sewing Club or the Tea Club. He wasn't here for clubs or tours, he was here for Hyoudou Issei. He had seen his picture of the brunette lad and there weren't many boys in this school, so why was he so difficult to find?
And that weasel was nowhere in the main building. He had to be elsewhere.
"Do you have any questions, Speirs?" the Gremory asked with a bit of hope. She was kind, he'd give her that, but whether that kindness was fake to raise her favorability was yet to be determined. Speirs did not trust her as far as he could throw her.
Which wasn't very far.
But while she gave him the opportunity, he might as well capitalize it. "Yeah," he replied, "Where do students go during breaktime?"
Akeno was quick to suggest and just as suggestively. "Well…depending on how daring they might be, although there's this one famous spot in the back of the old school building…"
"Akeno—" Rias was prepared to yank Akeno's leash as she didn't want him to feel uncomfortable, but to her surprise, he spoke before she could.
"Where's that?"
'Oh my,' Rias had thought. She didn't think he was the type, but perhaps Akeno might be onto something here… Perhaps he already knew who they were… and he was simply waiting for their offer, or testing them to see how far they were willing to go… After all, there existed talents who cleverly waited, auspiciously hiding their gifts. Sona's only Knight managed to do just so, and she was given leniency over her Student Council duties as long as she kept it a secret among her peers.
That implied he was confident in his abilities.
Rias curled up her lips. Very well.
Challenge accepted.
.
'Fuck. He's not here either,' was the imminent thought that whitzled by his mind upon staring at the empty backyard of a smaller school building. The grass was trimmed but not properly. Choppy at some spots. Greener than the others at some. The building itself, while old and noticeably made of wood, looked like it could be refurbished into an elementary school or at least a kindergarten. If it wasn't surrounded by a tiny wood and located far in the back.
Maybe once the mini monorails were invented.
Gaea would love this place. She'd turn it into a greenhouse or as she'd describe it 'a nursery for her little saplings'. Whatever the avid treehugger would say.
Inconveniently, the walk took a while that the school bell had rang again the moment they arrived, marking the end of their second and last break, and the continuation of his menial suffering.
"Aw, dang. And we just got here," he sighed, sounding more annoyed than defeated. "And I haven't eaten yet."
As if on cue, his stomach growled.
Speirs patted his belly, telling it to shush.
"Ufufufu~"
He made a face, wondering what kind of forced laughter was that, before turning around to see the source.
He made another face when he saw the girls were in the middle of untangling their shirt off their torso. Rias was half-naked already, unhooking her black-red brassiere, whereas Akeno waited for him to look at her as she dropped her bra to the grass. Her neckline, cleavage, and the smooth plain of her stomach were emphasized by the pillar-like frame created by her dangling white shirt.
"Huh…oh great…" Once. Just once. Just one Universe where everything is normal including its residents. One.
As he approached them, they smiled seductively, knowingly, staring at him as he walked past, and turned around a corner, leaving them yet again.
"H-Hey wait!" Rias hurriedly called out, not minding that her upper half was bare naked. The wind bothered her a little though, and she had to cup her breasts so they wouldn't bounce and strain her back, and most importantly, lose their youthful perkiness.
He swiveled around on his loafers —a mandatory, elsewise he'd be wearing comfy sneakers— and stared at her. "What? You don't have to mind me, you two can just…go ahead and do your business. I know my way back."
Maybe that was a normal thing in this Universe. He'd been to one where public orgies were welcome and nudity was preferred but not compulsory. And they were Devils. Not to be fantastically racist, but Devils tended to do those kinds of things and were generally unable to keep their clit in their panties. Albeit he had seen a Universe where Devils were as caste as maidens and the very idea of hand-holding could embarrass them to death.
Although considering her muddled look and her partner's, he might have misunderstood something.
"..." He waited, keeping his silence. It would be very unfortunate if somebody else would come around.
Rias realized her hypnotization and memory erasure didn't work on him either, which meant he was not only stronger than Akeno, a Middle-Class Devil, but her as well, a High-Class one. She decided that instance she must have him. Now or later, but not never nor too late.
And rectify this misunderstanding. "Come over here. Let us talk."
"I'm not stripping down."
"Y-You don't need to strip, just walk back here."
"I'd rather not watch, thanks."
"Not that!"
"Not filming you either."
"There's no filming!" Rias wailed, and she stomped her way towards him and yanked him by his wrist — if Speirs didn't jerk his hand back.
"No touching," he cautiously said, both his hands up. "I don't know what you want from me, but me being fully clothed and you being almost naked is not a great sight in the eyes of passersby. I'm not getting myself lynched at my first day here, you crazy? Have you seen the boys here? They'll crucify me for just breathing the same air as yours!"
Rias deliriously shook her head. "Just— come here! I know you know who we are and I'm done playing your game!"
"What?" What on the hundred Earths was she on about? "What d'you mean 'game'...? And of course I know who you are; you introduced yourself this morning."
Her black-haired friend popped by, a hand on hip, the other hanging idly on her side. She was completely naked. "Ara? Would you prefer to do it with an audience? Mhmmhm… I wouldn't mind as we can always wipe their mind clean…but your mind is awfully degenerate."
His mind was full of fuck. "Who're you calling degenerate, you degenerate," he griped, his black brows lowering. He wasn't going to let anyone hurl abuse at him. Clothed or not.
To his mild discomfort, she looked deliriously happy. With a flushed expression, Akeno coiled her hands around her arms as she shivered in sinful delight.
"I think your friend is getting cold," Speirs blandly said. "Look I don't mind about your lesbianism, alright? You're free to love who you love and fuck who you wanna fuck, but kindly leave me out of this—"
Rias cut him off, "Get back here and let us explain!"
Break
Well they were Devils alright.
Speirs nodded to himself as he listened to Rias' explanation. Once they clothed themselves, they had brought him to a fancily furnished clubroom, where they researched occult stuff, and assured him that he wouldn't get expelled for ditching his class. Made sense: her family had direct ties to this school and one of its founders. Otherwise, her clubroom wouldn't have been this lavish. It was like a living room mixed with a study. An office rather than a mere clubroom for late teens.
Nevertheless, he ruled out the possibility that they might be evil.
They weren't.
Not Rias or Akeno at least. Although the latter was rather suspect with her bitey lips and gazes that screamed red flags, she wasn't unforgivingly awful.
They were devils. The biblical ones at that, but obviously not the King James' version, otherwise they'd have tried to tempt him into committing worse sins than to just touch their body. That explained why he didn't sense any evil from them. They were peculiarly pushy with their explanation, however, going on about the benefits of turning yourself to the…slightly dark side, he supposed.
It was almost as if they, or at least Rias, was a door to door saleswoman desperate to make her first sale.
"In short," Rias stated, "I'd like to employ your skills."
He furrowed his brows. "Common sense isn't a skill. You started stripping so I walked away."
"No need to act modest," she chuckled, interpreting his point as humility. "I'm well aware of the heights you can reach, and your lack of surprise and the way you handled this are proof enough. You're already cognizant of our presence, perhaps even during your introduction."
Well. Duh. Erebus gave him their general profiles. Keyword on 'general'. Name, gender, age, and a colored portrait of them.
Luckily, in a school where most of its pupils had normal colored hair and understandable figures, these two Devils stood out like a sore thumb. It helped that the students revered their nickname and had been chanting it whenever he went, and he was dumped in the wrong goddamn class.
He couldn't disclose that information, however, and a shrug was always the simplest nonanswer that rarely raised suspicion. "Yah. I guess."
Rias seemed pleased with his indifference, mistaking it for confidence. Perhaps a bit too much, but she had found overconfidence to be preferable than the lack of one. Easier to humble a man than to instill pride in a boy.
"Then do I have your agreement?"
Speirs blinked. "...In…what?"
Rias blinked. "That you'll join my Peerage?"
"Oh, no I can't do that. I have my own employers already."
And Rias visibly wilted. Not the answer she'd hoped for. "I…see…"
"And I'm not willing to throw my humanity away either way— so!" With the only uncertainty weighing him down leapt out the window, Speirs went for the fastball: "You guys know about Issei Hyoudou? Hyoudou Issei, I guess."
The Devils exchanged a bewildered glance with each other, before Rias replied with her own question, "What business do you have with him?"
Speirs unceremoniously drew out a pocket journal from his blazer's pocket, and flicked it open, flipping through the pages as Rias exchanged another look with Akeno. This one with more curiosity mixed with confusion.
Ah, here it is… "He has to die, apparently."
The Devils shot up. The air of hospitality vanished without a trace as ominous sparks of dark magic crackled by the girls' fingers, their looks ready to unleash hell unto him.
"I do not tolerate jokes with bad taste, Speirs," Rias warned him. Gone was her welcoming tone. "You might want to reconsider your goal if you wish to leave this place alive."
And then a flute-like titter followed. "A pity… You sounded like a sound man too. But I won't turn down an opportunity to reduce you to a shrieking boy, ufufufu~"
What a strange overreaction for a single Human, he thought, which could only mean one thing. "I'm guessing he's dead and is one of yours already?" Taking their apparent confusion as the answer, he drew a pale white line over one task with his index finger, then scrutinized the remainder without no regard to the Devils' hostility. "That's good, that's good… And calm yer tits, Jesus. You guys act like I pulled out a gun."
As if something man made like a gun would harm her. Rias refused to call off her destructive magic yet. "...What…Explain then. What's the meaning of this?"
"It means," Speirs continued as he unceremoniously slotted his small notepad to its pocket. It might as well be worth garbage at this point. "I was sent here late. As for how late I am… Well… I guess I just have to ask. Ever heard of Asia Argento?"
Rias and Akeno looked at each other, and although their suspicion towards him had only skyrocketed by his replies, they eventually settled their powers, and sat back down. Unnerved, but willing to give him the benefit of the doubt as he didn't return their aggression. Which could mean he didn't see them as a threat, didn't feel threatened, or they weren't considered a threat to him at all. None of the options were favorable.
"How do you know these names?" Rias demandingly asked. "You just arrived in this town yesterday — who are you? Who hired you? What factions do you belong to?"
Speirs jerked back. "Whoa— one question at a time, lady, and I asked first, y'know?"
"You also said you're going to kill Issei-kun," Akeno pointed out. More distrustful than the other chick, he observed.
He gave her the stink eyes. "I didn't say that. I said he has to die, not kill him."
"Then who are you?"
"Leonard Speirs," he quipped. "Speirs for acquaintances and Lenny for friends."
Akeno stifled her giggle. Poorly. "...L-Lenny…? N-Not… Leo or even Leon…?"
But Speirs took no offense and replied with a light shrug. "Those are cool nicknames. For children…who'll grow up as assholes. It has a pretentious vibe in them… Sorta like Karen, Damien, Justin, Troy and the list goes on. Lenny is more friendly. Approachable. Saddled with all manner of unattractive associations unlike Leon or Leo, and isn't as mouthful as Leonard. You're free to call me that. But that, or Lenny… After we're friends."
Akeno blinked, digesting his reasoning. "Isn't Leo a strong sounding nickname?"
"Yea and that's the issue here," he grumped. "People raising the bars of me just by a frickin name, making assumptions and then having the balls to get disappointed because I didn't meet it. What's more impressive to you? A brave Leon or a brave Lenny?"
"Huh…" Rias actually sympathized with him in that logic, though anyone with the aforementioned names certainly wouldn't. Being the younger sibling to a Satan who has accomplished many great deeds and a Hero of the Devil Civil War certainly had its own merits, but they didn't come without sky-high expectations and the irrational fear of failing to rise on the occasion.
Although the cloud of doubts hadn't dispersed completely, he couldn't be a bad person, she thought.
"Well in that case," she began, "yes, we are aware of the name Asia Argento. Now what is it to you?"
"It means I'm not just late. I'm extremely late." Speirs grimaced. The Auditors royally screwed his arrival and rendered all his preparation for naught. This is what happens when they don't have a superior; the fear of being fired can't be used as a motivation to do their job properly, and it's the staff that has to pick up their slack.
Rias didn't like this. The more he said the deeper the mystery. "What do you mean?" she asked again. "Late? What are you late for?"
"Right. This is gonna get complicated, but I'll keep it simple because I hate complications," Speirs sighed. "A word of warning though, this might shock you."
Rias smirked. "Try me."
"You can't hold me responsible for the emotions you feel later."
"I won't."
"Good," Speirs nodded, and began setting up the bomb. "You're in a Universe."
She rolled her eyes. "Shocking."
A bomb with extremely short fuse. "And there are thousands of them."
Her smirk fell off her face like a fridge magnet on a concrete wall.
"...Oh."
"Told ya," Speirs huffed noncommittally. He warned them and therefore his hands were clean. "Those Universes aren't carbon-copies of this one with little differences, in simpler terms; Multiverses. It's not that. Let's say they're fruits: one's an apple and one's an orange, grapes, melons, avocados — they're all fruits, but apples are definitely not oranges… There might be similarities, like blackberries and blueberries, but they're different regardless. Maybe in texture or taste, but they're not the same." Without missing a beat, he furrowed his brows and lowered his voice from uncertainty. "Unless there's only one type of fruit in this Universe… I've been to one where circles are squares and squares are called triangles. Hell of a mindfuckery, I tell you that much."
Rias' mouth wasn't agape, but her seemingly blank stare told otherwise. "...That's…something…that's hard to believe."
He shrugged again. Normal reaction so far. "I thought you might say that. …Everyone always does," Speirs sighed. He couldn't blame them, he supposed. Those words seemed like ones that belonged to a madman, and maybe he had become one himself during one of his misadventures, but he'd be a god if he wasn't a bit crazy. Hell, even his 'gods' had loose screws. Plural.
But it wasn't without its own merits. For those that never go crazy; what a truly miserable life they lead.
"Let's make this quick then. Just shoot me with your… Harry Potter hocus-pocus."
Rias squinted. "...What?"
"Oh? You don't know Harry Potter?"
"No?" she said dubiously.
"J.K Rowling?"
"...Can't say I've ever heard that name."
His face immediately brightened. "Well I'll be damned. Lucky world this is," Speirs said with thinly-veiled envy. "That aside- you want proof? Well. Just shoot me with your…" he searched for the term, and went for the most basic, most plainest one he could remember. "magic."
She understood that word. "I…don't think that's a wise idea."
"Yea that's what you think. I know it's the quickest way to convince you," he said, now with slight annoyance. "Just do it. Where I originated from, you-Devils-, are myths. My Universe is as mundane as it gets, where everyone's depressed and imagine themselves in world where they have neat party tricks and feel wanted by imaginary people."
She didn't seem to catch on whatever he was implying, so Speirs laid it flat. "We have a different set of Laws, lady. In my world, magic doesn't exist. You, Devils, Angels, Gods, Unicorns are just as real as Santa. That rule applies to me regardless of where I am, because I was born there. Now go ahead. If you happen to kill me, then… Well, there're worse ways to die, I guess."
"I…I'm not killing a student. My powers are too destructive for me to control with confidence." Which was why Rias shifted the responsibility to her friend. "You do it, Akeno."
"I thought you'd never ask…"
Speirs did not appreciate that evil glint in her purple eyes nor her readiness to conjure her magical sparks, and hurled them through the air. Miniature blue thunder crashed against his chest, scattering as it hit his uniform, and fizzled away like embers on water.
He patted the spot where he was hit, looking amicably unharmed. His white shirt uniform, however, now had a gaping hole decorating it, revealing his flat chest. As he fingered the cavity, he was not, Rias confirmed, muscular. Not fat, not skinny, just average.
"Well… I won't be wearing this anymore anyway…" He could only hope the shirt's sacrifice was not in vain.
Rias took special note of his usage of a certain word. "Anymore?"
"Yah. I mean, I'm not gonna stay in this school — are you kidding me? I got here because it's the fastest way to meet the guy… I'm not even 18, I'm 23! I mean look at my fahkin face." He pointed at his beard, patting his jaw a few times. "And I imagine you can't smoke here."
Eugh. Smokers. Her opinion of him had took a significant plunge, and Rias thought it couldn't get any lower.
"Where is he, by the way?" he asked.
"Home," the red Devil eyed him. He had the gall to even ask... "Sick."
"Huh." he weakly responded. That at least answered why he felt like he was looking for his bright future.
"Why did he have to die?"
"Apparently it's a necessity to save this Universe," Speirs just shrugged. "You brought him back anyway, so that's that."
"Don't you simplify it as 'that's that'," Rias seethed. "You're willing to murder a boy!"
"A boy or an entire Universe. Tough choice eh?" His eyes narrowed for once, his stare as hard and piercing as steel. "I knew he won't stay dead for long. A Devil will revive him, which is you, I'm guessing." That silenced her. "Before you raise any questions; this is as far as I know. This, and that Asia Argento plays a significant role in his development as quote unquote, The Chosen One. The rest of the future isn't set in stone, which is a fancy expression of 'I have no clue what's going to happen next so please don't ask'."
Rias wasn't sure how to take this. On one hand, there was a swelling of pride. Happiness that her Pawn could be so detrimental to the bigger picture. On the other, was the fear of him having to carry that kind of responsibility.
"...Swear to me that you will never tell him this. Or others. Don't weigh them with our knowledge."
"Sure." He didn't fight at all, as if he was planning for it... which Rias greatly despise as it raised suspicion even when she wanted to trust him. "But see what I mean? Ya believe me now? I'm completely human, without magical properties. I can't shoot lightning bolts outta my ass."
Akeno mischievously placed a finger on her cheek. "I'm not sure," she flitted. "I've never fired a thunder so pathetically weak before. Mind if I amp up the intensity?"
"You're only saying that because you want to hit me."
Her grin grew. "Perhaps."
"You need Jesus, lady."
Rias snorted. There was a pang of headache and he wasn't completely off the hook, but that didn't take away the hilarity of his flat delivery. Akeno herself looked amused.
Didn't mean his little quip successfully changed her mind, however, as Akeno prodded, "Can I?"
"I won't be physically affected but I'll be naked at this rate."
"You've seen me naked," reasoned the priestess, coyly grinning.
"I'm not an exhibitionist."
"You've seen me naked," she pressed on, with more weight this time.
He wasn't affected by her flawed retort. Or her glare. "Not by choice, not my fault."
Rias had to give him credit for making Akeno, one of the most beautiful girls in this entire school, flustered. Not from embarrassment, but from disbelief. He didn't even seem like he made an effort to outright deny her attractiveness; that answer came too quickly to be classified as anything more than a knee-jerk reaction.
"Different standards of beauty," Akeno crossed her arms, visibly displeased and in denial.
"Nope," Speirs said without preamble. "You're objectively beautiful. You both are. But I've been to places. Seen and met plenty of beautiful girls with figures that led you into believing hourglass was inspired by them."
Akeno tittered.
"While the outside is important, immensely, I'll be honest, as it is a part of you, and from your reaction I can see that it affects who you are as a person and how you are treated and judged, the inside matters just as much. Personally, at least."
"A respectable viewpoint," Rias admitted. He at least acknowledged the fact that physical appearance did matter, unlike those in deep denial who stated otherwise to make themselves look or feel better. It mattered a lot for the Devils, of course. Being handsome or beautiful gave them an edge in contract-making with the Humans, though less so for the interaction between themselves. For Devils, it truly was what's on the inside that mattered most.
Though Rias wouldn't go so far and claim she'd spare a glance at people who were… miserable looking, she believed she put a fair value on personality. One certain Devil, for one, though not bad looking, was an exceedingly revolting individual.
But the conversation had strayed, and Rias was aware of it. "Then… While I do still find it hard to believe, I'll trust your words. You don't seem harmful."
"Hang on, I don't believe him yet."
"You had your fun, Akeno," Rias scolded. Her Queen pouted childishly. Rias ignored her and returned her attention back to the… Human…? "...Well.. What are you then, Speirs? What's your purpose?"
He looked miffed. "I told you I'm a human. My purpose here is to… I guess, weigh the value of this Universe? See if it's worth keeping or going straight to the dumpsters."
"...I…beg your pardon?"
"It is how it is," Speirs nodded. "It's part of my job as the Custodian. Fix if possible, trash if beyond all hope."
The silence was heavy. For the Devils, that is. Speirs was absolutely unperturbed. Wasn't his first gig after all, and he was trained for this level of unholy detachment.
After a while, Rias gathered herself enough to ask, "A-Are we… Are you positive you're allowed to tell us this much?"
"Allowed? Sure. If anything, it should motivate you to… I dunno… be the salt of the earth or something inspiring…" he sniffed. "Don't worry about it too much, lady. The fate of your Universe is a collective responsibility, never your own. Although it does rely heavily on a select few individuals… Hyoudou Issei is one and… that's all I know."
Rias swallowed nervously. "And if you die?"
"Someone will replace me," he said. "Which would be me. Death won't nullify my contract, sadly."
"The fate of our Universe…" the crimson haired one muttered scathingly. "Determined by you? Someone who doesn't even belong here?! That is ridiculous! How is that fair?!"
"Hey-ey-ey, don't get mad at me, be mad at the assholes who hired me! They're the ones who defined my job and what I have to do, not me."
"And who are these 'people'?"
"The Auditors," he replied, and elaborated once he remembered they didn't know shit from that. "Dunno if they're here here, but they're Gaea, Erebus, and Eros. Heard of them?"
"The Greek Primordials?"
He considered for a moment. "...Just Primordials actually, but from your answer, I assume 'Gods' exist here as well?"
"From varying Pantheons, yes."
"Right," Speirs nodded. "Well. They don't matter. Or maybe they do. Who knows? I don't."
Rias weakly sighed. While he wasn't inherently malicious, it was clear to her he wasn't an astounding individual with exceptional qualities.
"...I…don't mean to be rude, but…why are you chosen?"
He willingly answered. "Because there's no one else. There are thousands of worlds, missy, and more are being bred as we speak. We've been running short on staff since the Beginning, so you're stuck with me."
"...We're doomed."
"With that attitude? Probably."
"I don't appreciate your sarcasm," Rias glared. Akeno remained silent, but it was clear she didn't like this as much as her. "How is it fair that you're the one who gets to decide in the end?"
"It isn't," Speirs agreed. "Billions of lives relying on moody individuals that call themselves Auditors… But that's why people like me are hired. Though I may come across as ignorant and seemingly uncaring, it's because I'm trying to distance myself from caring too much if the right call is not what I'm hoping for. Boo hoo me."
"Do you expect easy sympathy from telling us it's difficult for you?"
"No, but I don't expect you to understand how it feels to bin your own Universe either."
And just by that, the mood of the room soured from spiteful anger into one of somber sorrow.
"Oh…" Was all she could say. "...I'm…sorry…"
"Well it is what it is," Speirs huffed, returning to his gung-ho manner of speech. "It was my first assignment. I've had dozens since then… at least twenty."
But Rias wasn't willing to let it pass as easily. "If it isn't too difficult to answer, why? What made you do it?"
"Oh. You know… The leaders got too evil. The people too hopeless to act. Their home planet itself became unsalvageable from pollution… and so and so." He paused for a moment, his eyes slowly staring back into the past as he could hear the voices again.
"Young men running through streets of blood, waving wine bottles, bayoneting babies and raping virgins. The ones who were supposed to be their leaders sat behind comically long tables, unwilling to listen to reason. Because they don't have any.
"Many old men lived in cheap rooms without any photographs at all. Inside them a young person wondering what happened to their youth. Many old women rubbing rosaries, watching the coffins lowered to a grave, wondering if they were bad mothers. Wondering if duty to a nation was worth more than their children's life. The rich eat and waste while an entire continent is full of children with their tiny ribs poking out. Skin to bones.
"The 'normal' are just... tired. It's like their spirits were mutilated. Dreams guillotined by reality. Buying a bargain can of tuna in a supermarket became their greatest moment. Their greatest victory. A moment to remember. They didn't have the room to think about the terror of one person, aching in one place. Alone. Untouched. Unspoken to. Lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for a call. A message. On their birthday. Never getting one as the weeks pass by, until their hope turns into a noose…"
Speirs blinked, and his eyes saw again.
"Look. I tried," he ended. "Charities, organizations, holding rallies, peaceful protests, protests that became unreasonably violent. Spent nights in jail because of said protests — but not even those were enough. The guy before tried as well. He passed the job that was passed by their predecessors to me. It broke the gal. Hell it would've broken anyone. That much hopelessness just gets you. Right in the heart.
If I pass it on, it'll break the next guy, and people will be miserable longer. So I took the call. I broke the cycle."
He raised his gaze, tired dark grays meeting the somber stare of blues and violets. "I know I'm not from this world, but it took one fucked up planet to make me consider giving up. Or a planet full of mass-murdering savages…" That one was the easiest call to make. "But judging from your faces, I doubt this world is half as desolate. Don't worry too much about it. Just live your life. I'll be gone before you know it, and you'll forget I was ever here."
If the silence from earlier was heavy, this one was haunting. What could Rias say to that? Her betrothal problem couldn't compare to that. Forget molehill, it didn't even amount a smidgeon to what he had been put through. And, by Lucifer, she didn't expect him to be this compassionate about the suffering of others, and she felt guilt even though she wasn't entirely at fault.
Akeno shattered the silence with her softly spoken words. "My mom's dead."
Speirs cracked a smile. He instantly understood she wasn't trying to one-up or even compare their tragedies. She was using humor to cope. It was how she dealt with other people's emotional anguish. It was how she dealt with hers. It was the only thing she knew.
Same for him.
"That's rough buddy."
After hearing his seemingly noncommittal response, Akeno returned the smile in quiet understanding.
It was the most genuine smile Rias had ever seen from her, and she had no idea why. It sure wasn't a budding romance. Akeno was not easy. She wouldn't give her heart just because he had been through more than any ordinary person. More so when she thought boys and men alike were nothing more than her plaything, even if they originated from another world.
If only she knew, that just as talent recognizes talent, kindred spirits recognize each other.
To be continued..
Oh no. It's Speirs. In DxD world. Run people, run! He'll rant your ass off!
That's right. Because I'm so goddamn uncreative I plagiarized my own character from my own work. Because creating OC is a pain and jesus christ how does everyone manage to spawn more and more. Just use a pseudo-issei and call it a day gdi
Miiiight have been inspired by Doctor Who, but extremely loosely. This definitely won't be some scifi shit or 200IQ nerdy stuff that I can't wrap my head around or even bother learning.
Harem? I don't think so. Not for Speirs at least. He won't even consider starting a romance due to his job. But it'll damn be a painful road for anyone that falls for him instead of Issei (hint hint, Akeno)
So how will the story go… I'll leave that to fate. I'll wait if people think this premise is interesting enough to continue — because lord knows i haven't written enough stories as is
ANd here's the twist: Speirs have no superpowers. No Sacred Gears, no cool flashy swords, no Long Anus, no nothing, and he won't be getting any or even being turned into a devil/dragon/vampire/fallen angel/demigod. he's the most Human of humans.
Why? Because he's not the hero, duh, he's the side helper that kicks the hero's ass with logic. And because I think it's funny how a normal person will react to C-movie batshit insane villains and immaculate common sense in a boob infested world. As well as how interesting it'll be for a normal guy without power to have any meaning in the DxD Universe that emphasizes and places power above absolutely everything else and makes it the only solution to every problem.
He'll be the only guy on the sideline going 'what the hell is wrong with these people. were they simultaneously dropped as a child?' as well as being Issei's cool big bro from another mother that isn't actively or even passively stealing his harem. Maybe shape him up into someone that deserves his haram harem, and teach him how to be a fucking man without losing his perversion. A wingman that issei deserves for being a good boi, unlike those M&M jackasses
But also an OC that has no impact to the story whatsoever. This is a parody. Sort of
On an unrelated note; no, I'm not discontinuing the Gamer story. The new chap is written and is at 12k words. I'm not posting it yet because I feel it's lacking something, but be patient, because I didn't run out of patience or creativity for that story, or any of mine, for that matter. Same with Highschool DxD — it's 6k words, but lacks the 'oomph' of its last chapters so I'm rewriting it.
follow. review. All that jazz. I'm holding the next chapter hostage because i'm a terrible individual that take internet numbers importantly like a redditor obsessed with upvotes