Fair warning: This is the second last chapter of the story.

Chapter 30

Steph

With a sigh, I rolled over onto my back, tossing the covers aside and letting the chill morning air accost my body as I stared at the ceiling. Taking a few deep breaths, I squinched my eyes shut and ran through the same reminders I'd been telling myself for the last few weeks since Bobby took me aside with that damn concerned tilt to his eyebrows and forced me to admit that I wasn't coping well. My worry for Carlos was like a vice around my chest, making it almost impossible to breathe some days, but I thought I'd been hiding it pretty well.

Apparently not.

After a long talk with Bobby, he gave me some breathing exercises and suggested a daily positive-affirmation-slash-gratitude routine to manifest a more positive outlook. I was sceptical it would work, and I still wasn't entirely convinced it was doing anything, but I'd promised him I'd try, so here we were.

"I choose to focus on the good things in my life today," I recited. "I am surrounded by love and support. I release myself from worst-case scenario thinking. I free myself from fear of the unknown. All is well." I took another deep breath and let it out slowly, repeating the words while I deliberately relaxed every part of my body, allowing myself to sink further into the mattress for just a few minutes until my alarm went off and I dragged myself from the sanctuary and into the bathroom to start the day.

Showered and dressed, and with my hair styled as best as I could manage while it was adamantly objecting to being controlled, I padded out to the kitchen and dropped the leg of a gingerbread man into Rex's cage, pressing my index finger to the glass in greeting when he scurried out from his soup can to investigate the offering.

"Merry Christmas," I told him, leaning down so we were at eye level. "Santa comes tonight. Have you been a good boy?" He paused in his nibbling to twitch his whiskers at me as if to say Of course, and I let out a little chuckle. "You're right," I agreed. "I'm sure he'll bring you a treat."

With the exchange complete, we parted ways, Rex stuffing the rest of the cookie into his cheek and making a dive for his soup can, and me moving to the fridge to pull out the portion of breakfast quiche I'd made and stored earlier in the week, a recipe that Carlos had taught me months ago. I reheated it in the microwave and ate it standing over the sink to avoid looking at the tiny Christmas tree I'd set in the middle of the kitchen table. Despite all my attempts, I wasn't in a particularly festive mood.

Three years running, I thought, tucking my dish and fork into the dishwasher and grabbing my boots from the hall. First I found my husband cheating on me with my high school nemesis. Then I was fired from my job at E.E. Martin. And now, I'm stuck in this stasis of not knowing if my boyfriend would ever make it home. Maybe this was just my life now. Happy Christmases were a thing of the past.

Yet another sigh fell from my lips as I snatched up my purse and keys, squaring my shoulders before I headed out for the day. My mood shouldn't be so dependent on a man, I know, but the more I tried to push thoughts of Carlos from my head entirely, the more they crept in. I was in love with him. Head over heels. I'd suspected it for a few months, but his absence from my life these last few weeks had made the awareness even more acute. And what made it worse? The first and only time we'd taken the leap to say the words out loud to each other had been moments before he walked out of the club to go save the world from whatever crisis the government decided needed his attention.

I'd never known how a heart could simultaneously swell with love and crumble to pieces until I was left staring after him, the crowd jostling me from all sides, lights strobing just as chaotically as my thoughts. The thumping bass reverberating through my body was the only thing keeping my heart beating.

I don't know what I would have done without Lester and Bobby there to keep me going. They distracted me with drinking and dancing that night, and had dedicated a lot of hours to keeping me distracted on my days off when the worst of the worry would set in if I was left to my own devices. One day I would figure out how to repay them for everything they had done for me, not only over the last ten weeks, but since I'd met them. Lester could have easily turned a blind eye to the deranged woman wandering through the snow in her pyjamas, but instead he'd taken me home to his family who had all welcomed me with open arms.

Well, almost all.

Carlos had taken some time to warm up to me, but he'd confessed that that was mostly due to his own assumptions about my presence at the family gatherings and assured me that had he known the circumstances that first christmas eve, things would have been a lot different. He'd gotten a lot better at checking facts and contexts with his family and friends since the misunderstanding last christmas and then how we'd gotten our wires crossed about the whole dating thing.

The smile those memories brought to my face were swiftly blown off as I stepped through the door from my apartment building's lobby to the parking lot and I was hit with an icy blast worthy of Elsa's frenzied flurries as she fled her own coronation ball. The news had been predicting nasty weather, but last I checked it wasn't meant to set in for another few days, as I took in the bleak midwinter scene before me though, I had to wonder whether that prediction was just the weather man sowing the seeds of false hope.

"All is well," I reminded myself, pulling my scarf and coat tighter around me as I hustled to my car. But even as I assured myself that everything and everyone would be all right, the thought lingered in the back of my head that if the weather took a turn I wouldn't get to see the Manosos tonight, the one event that had been keeping me afloat throughout the entire holiday season. The day Elena and Fi had stolen me away from work (with Tank's permission, of course) to go Christmas shopping had been a bright spot in my otherwise grey world, and I couldn't wait to see the reactions to all the gifts they'd helped me pick out.

"All is well," I said again, for good measure. "I'll still get to celebrate with the Manosos tonight."

I stopped off at the cafe down the street to pick up the coffee order I'd submitted the previous evening, pleased to see that the timing I'd quoted to Hank worked out when he walked in right behind me. He'd become my coffee buddy ever since the first time I helped him and Les out with locating a skip. We met at the cafe once a week to share a beverage and catch up. But today, I had bigger plans for my coffee buddy.

"Merry Christmas, Bomber," Hank greeted, nudging me lightly with his shoulder as we stepped up to the counter.

"Merry Christmas," I beamed in return. "I hope you brought your muscles with you this morning."

His brows drew together, but his smile was curious. "Why? You planning on wrestling me for the last Boston Cream?" He nodded toward the case where there was indeed only one Boston Cream left. "'Cause I've told you a hundred times, I'm not going to get between you and your donuts again. I'm still scarred from the first time."

I shook my head, recalling the day I went into full PMS rhino mode when he'd accidentally knocked my donut off my desk and then thrown it in the bin without a second thought, leaving me sugarless and fuming. I'm pretty sure it was my glare that had made the men scatter that day, not Carlos's, when he'd instructed one of the newbies to run down the street and get a replacement. Of course, he'd then taken me upstairs and given me a massage and some chocolate from the secret stash above the fridge in his apartment, so by the time I received said replacement donut I was a lot calmer, but the damage was already done. The guys made sure to tread lightly where my baked goods were concerned from there on.

"No, Ella's festive snacks in the breakroom have been my lifeblood this week," I told him. "But I thought I'd do something nice for all the guys that are rostered on this dreary Christmas Eve." I gestured to where the guy behind the counter was now stacking several cup caddies on top of each other in two towers. "I ordered everyone's favourite drink."

Hank eyed the towers. "How are we getting them all back without spilling them?"

I rolled my eyes. "You're the engineer, Hank," I pointed out. "Between your brain and the boxes in the backseat of my car, I'm sure we can figure out how to transport them a block and a half down the road."

A look of determination passed over him, ready to take me up on the challenge, and before I knew it, we were in the Rangeman elevator with all the drinks still in their respective cups and stacked securely in one of Ella's spare trolleys. We made a quick stop at the third floor for me to duck down the hall to the tech lab and give Hector his, and then Hank was following me through the fourth floor as I handed out the beverages to all the guys, receiving effusive gratitude, in the form of smiles and hugs, for my thoughtfulness and our combined efforts.

When there were just three left, I took the final caddy, along with my own half finished coffee, and headed toward Tank's office where I knew he, Lester, and Bobby would be while Hank took the trolley to return to Ella with a parting fist bump.

I knocked on the door and let myself in when Tank called for me to enter, holding up the tray with a grin I could confidently say was almost genuine having been bolstered by the I'd just spread through the office. "Coffee delivery!" I announced crossing to the desk where they were all gathered. "And tea," I amended, making eye contact with the big guy as I set it down in front of him.

"You're in a good mood this morning," Lester mentioned, sipping his drink with an approving hum.

"Of course," I said, like it was a given. "It's Christmas Eve, afterall. Why shouldn't I be in a good mood?"

I didn't miss the look they exchanged, but none of them dared bring up my fluctuating moods over the last couple of months. I knew it worried them, but it was Christmas Freaking Eve, and everyone deserved to be happy. Even if I had to fake it a little to make it happen.

"You're right," Bobby agreed, letting a smile wash away the creases in his brow. "Tis the season."

"Exactly. A half day of work and an evening of fantastic food from Mama Manoso," I listed my overall agenda for the day. "What's not to love?"

"The weather," Tank said, averting his eyes to his computer screen and deflating the whole positive vibe I'd manufactured. "It's not looking great out there. There's a massive storm moving in."

I swallowed my latest mouthful of coffee, suppressing a grimace at how it seemed to have suddenly turned bitter on my tongue. "That's not supposed to hit for another couple days," I said, shaking my head in denial. "Whatever's brewing out there will blow over by midafternoon."

He pressed his lips together like he didn't believe me, which was fair, because I was barely convincing myself at this point, but I didn't think I could get through today, let alone tomorrow, if mother nature was going to take away everything I'd been looking forward to. If I couldn't have Carlos, surely the universe could allow me a few hours with his family as compensation.

"We're gonna keep an eye on it anyway, Beautiful," Lester said gently. "Just in case. Gotta keep everyone safe."

Safe.

God, I hope Carlos is safe out there, wherever he is.

"Good plan," I agreed, nodding with a probably-too-bright smile as I picked up the empty caddy from Tank's desk and tapped it against my thigh. "Well, better get to work. You know where I am if you need me."

*o*

I was in the breakroom perusing the lunch selections that Ella had put together and contemplating how much green I had to eat to offset the number of festive snacks I'd consumed this morning when Tank appeared beside me. Even without looking at him, I could sense the stress vibes rolling off him in waves, but I decided not to pay it any mind. Tank had gone through frequent periods of stress in the time Carlos had been away. Simply put, the big guy just wasn't built for sitting behind the desk all day. Which he wasn't doing, but he was definitely spending far less time out on patrol than he was accustomed to, and that did not sit well with his energy.

"On a scale of one to ten, one being the ham and mustard sandwich, ten being the garden salad, how many vegetables do you think I need to eat to balance out this reindeer chocolate cupcake?" I asked, turning to face Tank with the cupcake in question already balanced on my plate.

"I need you to come look at the roster with me," he commanded with no hint of having heard my question. "The weather isn't letting up and I need to send some of the guys with families home."

"Oh." The word fell from my lips in sync with the cupcake falling off my plate as my hand relaxed, letting it dip, but unlike my verbalisation, I managed to scramble a catch and save it from hitting the floor. "What about the patrols?" I asked, following him from the room and across the command floor.

"It's not safe," he said shortly. "Visibility is low. Hal and Cal have already narrowly avoided one incident with black ice, I'd like to avoid more. We'll keep a skeleton crew if guys that live in the building on to monitor the feeds, but there's no point keeping everyone else here when they'll likely be trapped in a couple hours."

I nodded, taking a huge bite of my cupcake as I mentally reviewed the staff list for today, comparing it to the list of men I knew who lived on site. "How many do we need on monitors?" I asked, taking another bite.

"Three men, rotating four-hour roster."

By this time we'd reached my desk, and I had just one bite left. I shoved it into my mouth, wiped any remaining chocolate onto my pants and logged back into my computer. I'd just pulled up the availability spreadsheet and was about to get to work when my phone pinged with a message. And then another, and another. I pulled the device from my pocket, waking up the screen with a tap to see my notifications. Three messages from the Manoso family group chat.

Papa Ricardo: The weather is getting bad. Everyone stay home where you're safe. We'll have Christmas dinner later when the storm has passed and the roads are cleared.

It was followed by a couple of thumbs up emojis from Celia and Abuela Rosa. And as I watched, the number of love heart and care reactions on Papa's message kept climbing. Guess I didn't have dinner to look forward to anymore.

"Everything okay?" Tank asked.

"Manoso dinner is cancelled," I told him efficiently, adding my own reaction to the mix and settings the phone aside to focus on the task at hand. "I can help cover monitors tonight."

"Steph, you don't have to do-"

"If I don't I'll just be at home worrying about everyone," I told him honestly. "Let me be useful, please."

"Us too," Lester said, appearing in the cubby entry with Bobby right behind him

"We can take a couple shifts and oversee things here if you want to go home and make sure your cats are safe," the medic offered.

Tank shook his head. "They're all inside with the heat on and their bowls have an automatic feeder. They'll be fine for the night." He turned to me. "What about Rex?"

"He got fresh water and a bowl of hamster crunchies this morning," I assured him. "And I can have Mrs Bestler check on him in the morning."

We all shared a look, understanding passing between us in the silence. We were in it for the long haul.

"I'll call the patrols in," Lester announced, turning on his heels and striding away.

"I'll send the guys with families home," Bobby added following suit.

"I'll reach out to the guys off shift who are in the building," Tank said.

"Keep me posted," I requested. "I'll work on an updated roster."

He nodded and strode away, already at work on the phone in his hand.

Alone in the cubicle with just my thoughts for company, I fought back the wave of anxiety that threatened to drag me under by taking a long deep breath, holding it for a few seconds, then letting it out slowly. I didn't want to admit it, especially not to Lester, Bobby and Tank, but I'd been harbouring a secret hope that Carlos would miraculously make it back from his mission just in time for the Manoso Family Dinner. It was one of the reasons I had been so looking forward to the night, aside from how much genuine fun I'd had with Elena and Fi. And now that it wasn't happening, I didn't know how to deal with the sudden let-down. That hope was the tiny flicker of light at the end of the tunnel that I had been clinging to to get through the holiday. And now it had been snuffed out. Would Carlos ever make it home to me?

Swallowing back a sob that threatened to escape without permission, I pushed all those ill-feelings deep down into the pit of my stomach and got to work rearranging the schedule for the next twenty-four hours, putting myself on as many shifts as I thought I could get away with before Bobby would put his foot down and demand I take a decent break.