Chapter 47

Fighting for Amanda

They took Amanda away so quickly. They wouldn't let Liv stay with her. It was so fast Olivia didn't get the chance to say anything. To tell her how much she loved her.

Katy sat her down and reassured her that they were going to do everything they could. She promised Liv she would stay with Amanda no matter what and come get her as soon as she could.

Liv stood by a wall next to the waiting room. She was in a daze, unsure of how she got there; unaware that she had violently rejected any attempts at anyone examining her. Fin was standing by her but Liv wasn't aware. It wasn't until he reached out to lay a hand on her shoulder that she was startled, and finally turning, she realized he was there. 'How long have you been here?' She wondered.

"She stopped breathing in the ambulance." Olivia was trying to keep it together but Fin's look of horror wasn't helping any matters. "She stopped breathing…" Olivia couldn't finish the sentence as she collapsed in Fin's arm, sobbing uncontrollably. She was oblivious but the waiting room was filled with onePP, FBI, AD Daniels had arrived and even Dodds. Vanessa Mayor had been rolled in but a minute after Amanda. But even with all those people, the room had respectfully gone silent in Olivia's presence, making way for her heartbreaking wails.

After five minutes Fin managed to get her to sit down. Carisi brought Olivia some coffee which she waved away but he insisted it would help her throat. Nobody spoke a word.

One of the doctors finally came out, approaching Liv, "Captain Benson?"

Olivia stood at attention like a soldier.

"Is it alright if we speak here?" He asks her.

"Yes, tell me. Can I go in to see her?"

"Not quite yet. We have found multiple injuries all over her body, most of which are superficial lacerations and some second degree burns. What we are concerned with is her lungs. She's suffered some broken ribs, two of which punctured her right lung. She's in the OR now where she'll also receive treatment for the gunshot wound to her foot. She also sustained significant head injuries but the CT was negative for a brain bleed. She does have a small fracture to her maxilla and nose. Her wrist, forearm and ankle are also fractured. As of now, aside from her lungs, our greatest concern is the amount of alcohol found in her system. She's suffering from alcohol intoxication. That, along with the injuries to her lung, suppressed her respiratory drive—that's why the paramedics had to intubate her. We are doing everything we can." He squeezed Liv's arm and made to leave.

"What about the baby?" Olivia called out.

"It's too soon to tell. We will update you as soon as we know anything." He turned back around, "Katy scrubbed into her surgery. She wanted you to know she won't leave her side."

Fin pulled Olivia away to sit down again, "Manda is so strong. She's gonna fight through this. She's gonna be okay." After a beat Fin added, "Liv, maybe now is a good time to get yourself checked out."

"Yeah, Cap.," Carisi added encouragingly.

"No, I'm fine." Olivia was incredibly stubborn.

"Look, Carisi will stay here and make sure to lead the doctors right to you wherever you are if there's any word…right?"

"Of course!" The younger man confirmed.

Dodds gently approached, "Come on, Liv. You won't be able to take care of her if you have any injuries yourself." He reached out his hand and she took it, allowing them to lead her to one of the ER rooms.

Olivia didn't realize it, but she was a mess. Blood on her face, her clothing, a black eye. And red, angry marks along her neck. The physician was extremely considerate with her and rushed her tests. The imaging showed her trachea to be intact and no fractures to her face nor skull. The hand she punched him with was swollen but luckily she didn't sustain a boxer's fracture. She had some bruising, aches and pains but he had explained she had, "no permanent damage." Liv thought that was ironic: "no permanent damage." Except to her soul.

"I told you, I'm fine," she adamantly insisted to Fin. She was given an ice pack and allowed to wait in the surgical waiting room. It was then that she noticed for the first time everyone that was there. Not just police, but FBI, and everyday people from the precinct. She knew they were all offering their support but right now she just wanted to be alone.

Rafael approached her with Dodds and AD Daniels, "Do you think you can give a statement?" The AD asked.

Olivia nodded her head yes. After the short talk she inquired about Vanessa Mayor.

AD Daniels was the one that spoke up, "It's touch and go. It appears he had her for days."

Olivia closed her eyes at the statement. Walking away and sitting herself back down in the waiting room. Barba sat next to her, trying to offer his support in any way that he could. Knowing Olivia well enough, the only comfort anyone could bring was good news of Amanda Rollins.

It took hours but finally Katy, along with a surgeon came out and approached her quietly. It was the surgeon that spoke, "Captain Benson. The surgery was successful. We managed to repair the injuries to her lung. We had to use plates to fix the fractured ribs so that they can't cause any more damage. Often times these injuries heal on their own and no surgery is needed but in Detective Rollins' case, the damage was extensive and she had four broken ribs."

"More than we originally thought," Katy added.

"There was a large amount of internal bleeding during the surgery but we were able to control it. The orthopedic surgeon will come and speak to you about her foot; so will the obstetrician about the fetus. However, because of the bleeding and the state of her injuries we've placed her in the ICU. She's in a medically induced coma but if you'd like, Katy can take you to see her now."

Olivia all but ran to the ICU.

Amanda was lying there, still intubated, with all sorts of tubes coming out of her small body. She had so many bandages. There were so many tubes. Olivia cautiously approached her, looking all around.

Katy could see the panic and confusion on her face, "We had to leave in a chest tube, in order collect any excess blood or fluid she may accumulate. She has a catheter to collect urine. She has two IV's, one is running fluids and the other is running antibiotics. She's also on a ventilator because we haven't been able to ex-tubate her yet." Katy kept explaining everything calmly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Because she couldn't think of what else to do. "We are monitoring her heart, oxygen, respirations, as well as the baby's."

"Thank you," Olivia quietly spoke as she hovered over her, frozen and stoic; afraid that if she breathed wrong she could break her further.

"You can touch her, Olivia."

"Oh?" This momentarily took her out of her trance. Liv carefully sat next to her and cautiously took Amanda's good hand and placed it in her own. "She's cold."

Katy went into the armoire, pulling out an extra blanket and placed it tenderly over Amanda. Her heart was broken for her new found friends. She understood as much as anyone that their jobs were obviously dangerous. But until Amanda was rolled into the ER, she didn't realize to what extent.

She placed her hand on Olivia's back, "Do you need anything right now? Is there anything I can get you? Or do you want me to call anyone?"

"No. Thank you so much for being here for her." Olivia's voice caught with her impeding tears.

Katy sweetly rubbed her back, "I'm here for you too. Call me if anything. I'll be back in a little bit."

When Katy finally left, Olivia stood up and really took a look at her. Amanda appeared to her as a beat up sleeping beauty; her nose bandaged, swollen red cheek, black eye forming and the tube that was keeping her alive rising out of her throat. She caressed her cheek ever so softly as her tears landed on Amanda's brow. Liv gently pressed her lips to her forehead, keeping herself there as long as her body could balance, all the while trying to choke back the sob that felt like knives at her throat.

Olivia had so many things to say but for awhile she could only look at her. She gawked at her as if her stare alone could somehow summon her awake.

She finally began to speak to her after some time, "I'm so sorry Amanda. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry that because of me you were targeted. I'm sorry that because of me you are lying here. I wish I could take this all away. I'm sorry I couldn't save you." Liv could barely speak now, "I couldn't get there faster." She tried to compose herself, "But I'm here now. I'm here, honey and I'm not going anywhere."

Olivia didn't know how much time had passed when the OB walked in. She immediately felt her nerves on end, but thankfully, this OB was a woman and Katy was kind enough to come in with her.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Rodriguez. I'm the obstetrician that was in Detective Rollin's surgery. I'm here to do a quick ultrasound of the fetus."

"It's okay. Rodriguez and I go way back. We did undergrad together," Katy whispered knowing how sensitive the subject must now be to Olivia.

Rodriguez looked over at Katy then back to Olivia, "Is it alright if I examine her?" She asked solemnly.

"Yes, go ahead."

After a few moments of the wand moving back and forth, "What's going on?" Olivia asked. "Is the baby…?…the baby's dead." Olivia concluded.

"No, no, Captain Benson. She's not dead. She's just too calm for our liking. Her heart rate is slow and she's not moving much. We just need to monitor her closely."

"I don't understand? With all of her injuries?" Olivia was perplexed, for how on earth could the baby survive this ordeal?

"We don't understand it ourselves." Rodriguez added. "Babies are quite resilient but right now it's difficult to say what will happen. It would be a lie to tell you otherwise. It's still touch and go but somehow, so far she has survived. We will keep a close eye."

Dr. Rodriguez kept the monitors attached permanently.

"She." It was then that Olivia realized the physician revealed the sex. "It's a girl?"

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking…" Rodriguez panicked!

Before Dr. Rodriguez could apologize further Liv interrupted, "It's okay. Our kids wanted to know." Olivia reached forward and lovingly placed her hand on Amanda's belly. She came close to her, "You hear that honey? You were right, it's a girl...we're having a girl." Olivia wiped the tears and discharge from her nose.

The orthopaedic surgeon came next. Ultimately explaining that Amanda would need extensive physical therapy.

When she was finally alone again, she caressed Amanda's hair and kissed her cheek, "I love you so much. And Jesse, Noah, Frannie and this little girl, that's growing inside of you, love you so much. Please Amanda, please, I need you to keep fighting. Fight for us, fight for your family and fight for yourself. I can't do this without you…I wouldn't want to. You are the strongest woman I know. Don't give up. Because I will never give up on you. I love you."

The minutes turned to hours, the hours to days. Olivia had not left the hospital once. Fin, Carisi or Barba kept watch over Amanda for her to shower whenever she had to. She seldom stepped outside for fresh air and only did so to FaceTime the kids. Fin brought her changes of clothing. But she focused all her energy on caring for Amanda in whatever way she could. She brushed her hair, massaged her legs with lotion. Helped keep her clean…anything they would let her do. It had been almost a week and Liv was losing weight.

People came around and watched from outside the room, few daring to go inside. Amanda's mom had arrived on the second day. She came in to kiss Amanda and for once in her life she was tender and kind to the younger woman. Olivia resentfully looked at Beth Anne Rollins and thought, 'Too bad Amanda's asleep and can't witness it.' Asleep. That's how Olivia imagined her now. Just asleep, not in a coma, not fighting for her life, just asleep, resting.

As secretive as Amanda was, unbeknownst to the Captain, she had told her mom about their relationship. Her mother was a true southern woman but she figured Amanda could do worse and she told Liv as much. Despite her usually callous behavior, she behaved appropriately and promised Liv she would stay as long as needed and take care of the children.

The few hours that Olivia slept it was holding her hand, her body awkwardly bent over the bed.

It had been exactly six days and Amanda was still in a coma. No longer medically induced; it was all on her own now.

Lucy wanted to bring the kids but Olivia didn't want them to see her this way. Except now the Doctors were talking about ex-tubating Amanda to see if she could breathe on her own. Olivia feared the worst. She feared she would have to let the children see her because if it came to that, how could she rob them of their goodbye. Except anytime the thoughts crept into her mind she shamed them out. Amanda couldn't be dying. She simply wasn't allowed.

Somehow, the baby had been holding on by a thread. The doctors didn't know how she had lasted this long, but there was movement and a strong enough heart beat indicating that there was life.

Olivia had all sorts of morbid thoughts running through her head. What if Amanda was like this for months? What would they do at the time of delivery? C-section the baby out of her? These morose thoughts made her nauseous. No, Amanda needed to wake up.

Olivia found herself particularly anxious this afternoon. She had cabin fever and perhaps with her conflicting thoughts her anxiety was amplified.

A test was being conducted to check for brain activity. When the neurosurgeon finished the entire team came in to speak with her. She knew this wasn't good.

The young doctor took a deep breath, "Captain Benson, Detective Rollin's brain waves have been decreasing steadily. We think you need to prepare for the possibility that…"

"Get out!" Olivia saw red. She refused to hear this imbecile.

Her nervously tried again, "Captain Benson, please…"

Olivia rose from her chair and shouted again, "Get out! You know nothing! You don't know her and you don't know us! She will wake up! She's been through hell and she just needs a little time!"

At those last words she felt betrayed by her voice as it cracked. The team quickly left the room as she collapsed on her chair and sobbed.

Olivia was beyond exhaustion, emotionally and physically. Even her soul was tired. She had fallen asleep after her fit of tears. She awoke when Fin came in the room, Katy following close behind.

Fin wordlessly sat next to her after placing her bag, with surely new cloths, down.

Katy walked in, like she always did, rounding on Amanda and checking her tubes and monitors.

She sat across from them, "Liv?"

"What? Doggie Houser sent you in?" Olivia angrily spat.

"You know I check on her and keep track of everything with her care."

Olivia was beyond herself, "Amanda. Her name is Amanda, you know…your friend."

"I didn't mean anything by that." Katy softened her eyes as she reached forward, "Nobody is saying Amanda isn't still here. No one. Especially not me."

"Then what?" The brunette was still fuming.

"Liv." Fin almost reprimanded her.

"It's just…well this is the hardest test for her. Stopping her vent to see how she does on her own is a tough one. Maybe you can let your kids come around before we do it."

Olivia stood up and began pacing, "Not you too."

Katy looked to Fin for support but the man was at a loss for words, "No, no I told you I don't agree with what they think! I just believe that maybe it will help her do better if she hears the children's voices. It's helped other patients before."

Olivia turned around with tears in her eyes, "What if it doesn't…What if she doesn't?"

"You can't think like that, Liv." Fin finally added.

Katy approached her carefully, "Then they get their chance to say goodbye."

The Captain let the tears fall freely, knowing that Katy was right but not being able to face the possibility of Amanda never waking up again.

I know, I know...I'm a total jerk. But just keep reading! These last few chapters were absolute torture for me. I had nightmares and they have sat written for months (I apologize for that) bc I struggled to edit them. Revisiting the torment of these chapters has not been easy for me either, but just keep going lol