Chapter 48

Mercy Hospital

The following day, Beth Anne brought the children, and at Liv's insistence Lucy and Fin snuck in Frannie. The kids had been prepared as best as possible.

Liv met them in a small waiting room.

"Mommy! "Mommy!"

Two overly excited children ran into her arms as she held them close and kissed their heads. Suddenly dawning on her, that if Amanda didn't make it she would no longer just be a mother to Noah, but Jessie as well. The thought made her stomach churn, not for being Jessie's mother, because she already considered herself as much, but because she could not bare to think of a life without Amanda. Looking at Jessie grow up, resembling Amanda more and more each day, would break her little-by-little knowing Amanda wouldn't be around to see her.

Olivia tried to explain as best as she could that Amanda was still sick and had tubes and special medicine to make her better. She told them not to be scared, but the moment they walked into the room, Noah shyly hid behind her.

Jessie was oblivious and immediately ran to her bed, Beth Anne lifted her to her mother. Frannie was already at the foot of the bed, calmly laying there as if she knew not to disturb Amanda.

Olivia bent down to her son, "Noah? I know this is scary but I'm right here with you."

"I'm not scared." He started crying.

"Oh honey, it's ok. It's ok to be…"

"No! It's all my fault. I ran away with Jessie and the bad man hurt her!"

"Oh my God. Oh Noah." Olivia had no idea these thoughts had been running through her son's mind. She guilty realized that she had been negligent to not stay with the children at least at night. She was so afraid of something happening to Amanda that she had not entertained what the trauma had done to them.

Beth Anne looked upon him with sympathy.

"Sweet boy, please listen to me. And listen to me well. This is NOT your fault. You did exactly as she asked you to do. Exactly what I would have asked you to do. You did the right thing, Noah. This is not your fault."

He silently cried. Olivia picked him up, "Do you understand me, Noah?"

"Yes."

"Ok, good. Do you want to go and tell her how much you love her?"

Olivia was already walking towards the bed.

"Can she hear me?" The inquisitive boy asked as he wiped the last of his tears.

"I think so, yes."

Noah leaned down carefully as Olivia held him, "I'm sorry you got hurt. It's me, Noah. I love you." He petted her head and turned to Olivia, "Can I kiss her?"

Olivia and Beth Anne locked eyes, both women fighting their tears and connecting for a brief moment through their pain.

Olivia was afraid her voice would betray her, nodding her head, she whispered, "Yes. Gently."

After he kissed her forehead, he turned to Jessie, "Did you say I love you?"

"I luf you, Momma. I's miss you. Wake up." Jessie innocently spoke. Despite her young age you could see how much she longed for her mother.

Olivia then sat with both children on her lap.

"Momma knows that we love her, and we are here waiting, for when she's ready to wake up."

A while after the kids spoke to her and Beth Anne read a story to them, it was time for them to step outside.

The neurosurgeon came in with a nurse, and explained what was about to take place. Earlier in the day, Dr Lindstrom had come by to talk to her and help her through the difficult situation. Olivia had signed the order of do not resuscitate, in accordance with Amanda's wishes. Her mother, surprisingly had not given her any trouble, instead had agreed; also stating that this is what the blonde woman would have wanted. Olivia knew she was being illogical, but she wished that Beth Anne would have said no. Then she'd have an excuse to keep Amanda eternally intubated. She thought signing those papers was the most difficult thing she had ever done. But watching the children innocently say their, I love you's, had broken her entirely anew.

Olivia offered for Fin to take them, in case Beth Anne wanted to stay with Amanda for this.

But she refused. She leaned down and spoke quietly to her daughter, tears running down her face. Olivia could only make out a few words, "I love you. Remember, you are my Manda Bug. Hurry on home to us darlin, so we could have some crazy family dinners…"

Both she and Olivia knew it was futile to hold back their tears. Beth turned to Liv and actually embraced her, "This part is best done with one's partner. It's no place for her mother to be."

Olivia was fighting herself because she was not ready to do this; she understood she never would be. What if it was the wrong decision? She had battled through so many questions this last week. Lindstrom tried to guide her as best as he could and even offered to be there with her. But Olivia knew she had to face this alone. Because she knew Amanda would never want to live like this.

And just like that, the vent was shut off. A tiny beep and the steady sound of the vent's loud breathing disappeared. Next, they ex-tubated her, to give her a chance of breathing on her own. Olivia held her breath in anticipation for the worst. But Amanda's chest rose and fell steadily, she was breathing on her own. It was then that Olivia decided she couldn't do this. She wasn't ready. She turned to the Doctor and asked he be ready to intubate again, if Amanda stopped breathing. They gave her a look that felt more like hopeless pity than concern. She also saw judgement in their eyes, but they had to agree, for Olivia was her medical proxy. She knew she would be hated for this, for she was going against everyone's wishes but she didn't care. She would allow herself to be selfish just this once.

Olivia kept staring at Amanda and the monitor with hope renewed because Amanda kept breathing, "She's breathing. She's doing it on her own."

This time the doctor smiled kindly, "Yes, and this is good. But we have to give her some time. Sometimes it takes hours, Captain Benson. We will be right outside if you need us."

Amanda was pale, her lips dry despite Liv using lubricant to coat whatever parts were exposed.

She stood there, unmoving. As moving as Amanda, just waiting. She didn't know what to do with herself.

Olivia mentally pepped talked herself, this is Amanda. I can talk to her. I can tell her anything.

So she leaned in closely as she once again held her hand, "Amanda, I realize now that I made a huge mistake. You see for years, I have loved you and yet I failed to be honest with myself and never told you because I wasn't brave enough to admit this to myself. I wish…I wish I could go back in time and change that but unfortunately, I can't. I also realize that one should never postpone joy. And that is what you are to me. You are my joy. And again, even now, I was hesitating, following certain timetables that held no place for us. You've been so courageous and brave and told me exactly how you felt this whole time and how you were ready to take our relationship to the next level. And I was afraid. But I'm not afraid anymore. Amanda, I want to marry you. Please, wake up. Please wake up so I can ask you to marry me."

Olivia bowed her head down with tears until she rested it over Amanda's chest. She could hear the steady rhythm of her heart, and this kept her somewhat calm. So, she stayed there. Easily breathing in rhythm with Amanda.

But too soon, she heard the monitors change into jarring beats, and Olivia just knew…this was it. She closed her eyes tightly, begging God for Amanda's life. Realizing she was about to lose the woman she loved. Amanda would die in her arms, and she could do nothing. Nothing but cry and pray for a miracle.

The beeping was rapid now. It was time for Olivia to get up and demand they intubate her again!

"Yes." Olivia suddenly hears a raspy and low voice. She jerks her head up in the direction of Amanda's face and staring back at her is a sleepy, groggy eyed Amanda, smacking her dry lips together. She was the most beautiful thing Olivia had ever seen.

"My answer is yes. I'll marry you. But please get off my chest cause I can't breathe."

Olivia cries out in shock and delirious happiness. Relief pouring over her like a warm blanket in the dead of winter. She smiles as she frantically peppers Amanda's face with kisses; all the while thanking God out loud. She screams out, "Nurse! Doctor! Katy!"

"It's ok, Liv." Amanda gently soothes her as everyone walks in with gasps of disbelief, checking her monitors and trying to pry Liv away, but they couldn't.

"I love you, Amanda Rollins. So much!"

"I love you.

Hours later, they were allowing Amanda to rest after conducting numerous exams. Olivia was snuggled in bed with her at Amanda's insistence. The children had gotten to spend a little time with her, and they were delighted that she was "finally" awake. They had been quickly ushered out so that Amanda could have a thorough exam, but Beth Anne Rollins would bring them by the following day.

"I heard everything you said," Amanda whispered with her still raspy voice. "I heard the kids, my mom…Fin." She smiles, "Thank you for fighting for me when I couldn't.

"Always." Olivia couldn't believe she still had tears left as they slipped down her cheeks.

"How is Vanessa?"

"I'm so sorry, Manda. She didn't make it." Vanessa Mayor had barely survived 48 hours. She had multiple internal injuries and didn't survive her final surgery.

Amanda felt the tears sting at her eyes for she only witnessed a fragment of that poor woman's torture.

She looked away from Olivia, "Leroy's dead too."

Olivia gently coaxed her face back to her, "No, baby. Leroy survived. He was shot in the chest, but it missed his aorta by a hair. He's been asking about you. He can't leave his room yet, but Fin brings by his messages."

That's all it took for Amanda to start sobbing. Olivia gently brought her closer into her arms as she tried to soothe her, "It's ok. I'm so sorry, Amanda. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're safe now. I will never let anything happen to you ever again."

"I tried," Amanda cried out. "But I thought the kids were dead. I thought you were dead." Her monitors suddenly began to beep.

"Honey, listen to me. None of this was your fault. None of it! If anything, it's mine."

"No!" Amanda protested as her breathing became erratic.

Olivia realized this was no time to recount the events that had just transpired. "You need to take a deep breath. You've been through so much and we have so much to live for. Please, take a deep breath with me."

The nurse walked in, but Olivia held her hand to stay back.

Amanda abided as she tried to control her breathing and move in sync with Olivia.

"Just like that. Good job, honey." Olivia reassured her as Amanda calmed.

"It hurts." The blonde complained.

"I know, I know. I'm so sorry. Just try to focus on taking small and controlled breaths. You can't get upset or it will hurt more. Plus, the baby has been calm and healthy and we don't want the baby to get upset."

"The baby?"

Olivia was holding herself up on her right arm, looking down at Amanda and stroking her hair, "Yeah."

"She made it?"

Olivia opened her eyes widely and cocked her head, "You know it's a girl?"

Amanda narrows her eyes, "I'm not sure how but I just felt her. It is a her?"

Olivia kisses her gently, "Yes, we're having a little girl."

"She's okay?"

"Yes, honey. You protected her and she is tucked away inside you, doing just fine."

Amanda held her tightly, "I never want to let go of you again."

"And you'll never have to. I'll never let go of you, Amanda."