I'm in my own flat and in front of my bathroom mirror, not remembering the short journey, in what feels like a nanosecond. My hands are still trembling, my breaths are short and I can't swallow. I force myself to open the pills Luwin told me to always have on hand and shake half of them into my palm but only take one. After a few tries and mouthfuls of tap water I get the small pill down and stumble to my kitchen.

I sit on the floor, the cool tile underneath and cupboard behind me, help to calm my racing body. I don't know how long I sit there doing my breathing exercises before I finally feel my heart beat almost normally and the dread in my stomach isn't making me feel physically ill.

Every time my mind goes to Sansa my thoughts start spinning, right along with my head. The bigger part of me knows I've royally fucked up and I don't know if there's any coming back from this which sends me into a total panic.

Mixed in are still those horrible, inadequate feelings that I war with every day of my life, in that small part of my mind, I thought Sansa was going to be a part of those feelings, in agreement with them. I already know in my heart that I was wrong, that I overreacted and couldn't control myself.

I'm not used to having these outbursts and all consuming feelings, they haven't happened in so long. But I am in no shape to go to her, to message her or anything until I have a grip on myself first. All I see is Sansa's smiling face behind my eyelids as I lay on the cold floor and fall asleep.

When I wake up, it's pitch black outside. I can tell from looking at the moon in the sky that it's probably the middle of the night into Saturday at this point. I slept for almost 12 hours, great. I'm deep in that groggy feeling with the meds doing their best work. I can barely get off the ground to drink more water and fall into my bed, fully clothed.

I barely touch the mattress before I am out yet again. I do this a couple more times until the sun is getting higher and higher in the sky. It must almost be early morning now and this time when I wake up, I know I won't be going back to sleep, but I don't know what to do with myself.

I've never fucked up with someone like this. Ray, Bronn, Osha, they're family. Even when I've been a brute or miserable it's never been like this.

I still feel groggy and not myself but at least the panic isn't coming to the surface anymore. I force myself in the shower and stay in it a lot longer than I need to try and avoid the inevitable.

After that, I make myself eat and drink as Luwin always tells me to prioritize my health in these moments and everything else can wait. Even if it doesn't feel that way.

I noticed before my shower that my phone had died and I plugged it in. Now I stand with hands that are starting to feel shaky again as I pick it up to turn it back on and see if there's anything waiting for me.

Bronn had checked in with me to see what I was doing this weekend with Sansa (fuck her name makes my heart hurt) and other than that my phone is quiet.

I'm not someone that has a busy phone, I don't have many notifications of messages, calls or alerts on social media, but the blank screen that greets me today feels like a slap to the face.

I never should've expected for Sansa to reach out to me. It's not her responsibility, she did nothing wrong, but I'm so used to seeing her name on my phone all the time that this feels like a huge step backwards even though we've taken a couple of those since yesterday.

I want to take the cowardly route, I want to message her instead of going to her door. I doubt she'll answer either to be honest and I can't blame her. I know I need to stand strong behind myself as well because I didn't do this on purpose, I didn't want to regress, to see the worst in her, when I know that she's nothing but the best. This is all just so fucking new and different.

Ray is family, I was a child, and he supported me as if I was his own son. Bronn is broken, like me, and to watch him in group therapy, to speak to him and learn of his demons, it was like looking in the mirror. And Osha, sweet wonderful Osha, it took about six months before I even thought she was maybe, sort of a friend of mine. She likes to say that she called me her best friend about three days after meeting me (guess that's why I'm Godpa Sandy now).

And the biggest difference of all is that I'm not in love with any of them.

With a racing heart and sweaty palms, I leave my apartment and make my way to Sansa's door. I take a deep breath and knock. I wait several beats but nothing happens, no noise from inside, no opening of the door just silence.

I knock a couple more times but I know that she's not going to answer. And she shouldn't.

"Sansa? It's just me." I say through the door, my voice weak and tired. Broken. "I wouldn't answer the door for me either, but if you could, please think about letting me explain. Please give me the chance to talk to you, to apologize. Because I am sorry, I am so fucking sorry. And I wasn't avoiding you, I had to take som- I mean I fell asleep." I stop my rambling, I don't want to tell her about my anxieties and medication through a door. "I don't know what to do to fix this, but I will figure it out, I promise you." I tell her, my voice cracking.

I end up sitting on the floor, my back against her door for quite a while. I just want to listen, try to hear her walking around her apartment, be close to her. After about half an hour when there's literally nothing but silence, my heart starts to race and I panic, again.

I left my phone in my flat and I jog back and snatch it off the counter and dial a number that I haven't used before. She answers after one ring.

"What did you do you big oaf?" Arya asks me, sounding irritated and exasperated at the same time.

I'm shocked that Sansa told her about our fight, I wasn't sure that their relationship was like that and even if it was I was unsure Sansa would want to say anything about it at all.

I hang my head before answering her. "I'll tell you in a minute, first, please tell me she's alright. I went to knock on her door and she didn't answer and I can't hear anything. I have to make sure she hasn't fallen and hurt her self or I don't fucking know?!" I growl out. I fucking hate feeling helpless.

I hear Arya heave a big sigh and can practically see her shaking her head at me. "She's not physically hurt and she hasn't fallen, but she hasn't slept much or left her flat either. What she has done is be so upset that she started to talk to me about it. So I know you messed up. Do you wanna talk about it? Can I help?" She asks me sincerely.

The relief I feel at knowing Sansa is safe lasts for about half a second before the pain is back eating me from the inside out. She's not sleeping and she's very upset and it's all because of me.

Heart pounding I respond to the small Stark. "We had a misunderstanding. I mean," I stop, groaning in frustration, "I had a misunderstanding, and, fuck look….I had a panic attack okay?" The admission falls from me.

"I stormed out of there after I said some bullshit things to your sister and now she won't answer the door and that's what I deserve but I really want to explain myself and apologize even if she isn't willing to take me back, she deserves an apology." I rush the rest out taking a lungful of air when I'm done.

The little wolf is silent on the other end of the phone for so long I think maybe she has had enough of me, is disappointed in my actions and hung up. But then I hear her talking, her voice softer than I thought possible.

"I'll try to see if I can get her to talk to you. I'm not making any promises. I'm not forcing her but I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt her on purpose. Gods knows what you've been through the last few hours but if she gives you a chance you better be ready to lay yourself out to her and grovel because Sansa really is one of the best people I know and she cares for you more than she has for anyone that's not her family." Arya tells me, the fire back in her tone.

I feel like the air around me isn't as thick now, it's as though I can catch my breath again. "Thank you Arya. I won't mess up any opportunity Sansa will give me to apologize."

"I'll call you back if she agrees." And with that Arya hangs up.

I don't know why the little wolf is taking pity on me but I'm beyond grateful. Whatever chance Sansa gives me isn't a guarantee we can fix this but I have to try my bloody hardest.

I sit on my couch trying and failing to not stare at my phone for almost an hour before the stupid thing vibrates. I press the green button before the first ring even finishes.

"Arya." I bark, my nerves erasing any manners I have.

The girl has the nerve to laugh. I let it slide, would let anything go right now after her agreeing to help me. "On edge there Hound?" She asks around a chuckle.

I groan and begin pacing my living room. "Just put me out of my misery." I grumble.

Arya collects herself quickly and answers me, thank the gods. "She will speak to you. She was asleep and called me back hence the wait."

I collapse back onto my couch, my mind and heart are all fucked up. I feel like the world is off my shoulders knowing she will, at the very least, hear me out. And then my stomach twists in anxiety and fear at being not only vulnerable sharing all my truths but because on top of that, she might not forgive me.

A shaky breath rushes out of me before I can stop it. "Thank you Arya, truly."

She only hums an acknowledgment before falling silent for a moment. "It's different with you. She's different. Hells, I don't even know you and you've changed in a few weeks that I've been in London." Arya releases, a big sigh that I realize in the next few moments was from awkwardness. We're practical strangers, but we really had to open up to each other today.

"You both have hella skeletons in your closet and trauma, but don't let that ruin a good thing. This shit doesn't come around all the time, but you have to be as honest with her as possible. You don't need to lay it all out there today but at least make the intention to do so and tell her that you will." Her voice goes soft. "Sansa gives a lot of chances but she's also closed off herself a bit since what happened and we can't blame her for that."

I find myself shaking my head, agreeing with her, the fact that Sansa still brings so much happiness and light into this world after how she suffered proves her goodness and strength beyond any measure.

"I hear you, I do and I know I have to push myself past where I'm usually comfortable but I'll do it for her. I would do any fucking thing for her." It's my turn to feel awkward, and have to clear my throat. "And I don't take it lightly that you helped me. I know you're doing it for her but I still appreciate it."

"I don't think you're ever getting out of this boxing agreement Hound now that you have me playing relationship therapist." Arya half jokes with me. I can hear the smile on her voice, but I would get back in that ring on television if it meant I could have Sansa back and everything fixed.

"You might be right." I stand back up, stomach flopping and head to my door. " I'm going to go over there now. Thank you again."

"Yeah yeah, just remember, I would be her alibi and help her hide your body. Best of luck!" Arya sing songs before hanging up.

I'm still smiling and shaking my head by the time I make it to Sansa's door, maybe her sister's truthful joke was what I needed to keep my pair of balls in tack to make it to her.

One more deep breath and I knock on her door. I can already feel in my bones that this will be a different experience than the last time I was standing here.

I hear shuffling from her flat before the lock clicks and the door finally opens so I can see Sansa and her beautiful face. Even tired, with red eyes from crying crying and lack of sleep, hair that I've never seen as messy since the day I met her and in the clothes she was wearing from the day before, Sansa is still a goddess.

"Sansa." I breathe, unable to move or say more.

And with that one word, she crumbles. Her face falls, tears immediately running down her cheeks and I catch her just in time before she hits the floor, instead seating her on my lap and holding her as we sit in her doorway.