A weighted blanket draped over her shoulders as she bore the merciless inspection by the doctors. Gradually, she became more aware of her surroundings and the cold, harsh gaze of the Knight of One hovering at her side. She remembered him vaguely, merely the faint impression that he had been there.

Impressions. Not memories. That was what composed the last hour. Even now, she couldn't tell you what happened five minutes ago.

She had murdered someone.

Her heart rate picked up again to the concern of the doctors nearby. They kept talking, and the words washed over her without meaning.

One of them had a refined accent, and she hated him instinctively.

None of them felt safe.

She wondered if she would ever feel safe again. Classmates of hers had targeted her. One lured her outside and willfully surrendered her to such a cruel man.

Finally, the Knight of One tired of their endless ministrations, and stomped forward. His hand wrapped around her wrist, pulling her upright.

She flinched. It did not matter. He served the Emperor; no one could stop him.

As she was dragged behind him, away from the outraged cries of the doctors, she wondered what would happen to her now.

Sir Waldstein most certainly did not care for her. He had no concern for the students, not even Lelouch who he was supposed to be protecting.

Had she made it all this way simply to die at his hand for being an inconvenience?

They passed through the Ashford gates and were greeted by a swarm of soldiers.

There, in the middle, stood Lelouch. He was alive, unharmed.

He hadn't come for her; she was thankful. He hadn't even tried, while she killed for him. Twice.

Her chest burned, bile clawing its way up. Two bodies, slain by her own hand for someone who wouldn't look at her twice.

"Shirley." His voice, frazzled as it only ever was for Nunnally, cut through the distorted haze. "You're alive."

She blinked, not comprehending how he was standing before her, staring into her eyes, when moments ago he was back there, surrounded by the soldiers.

His warm arms wrapped around her, holding her like she held him after her father died.

Because of him, her family was torn apart and she was held hostage, yet he dared to comfort her.

She had kissed him, the lips of her father's murderer. It had been wrong to take advantage of him, to use his pity for her own benefit.

But what did it say about him that he would accept it when he knew what he had done?

She wanted to push him away, flee from his embrace into the security of her room. She wanted her mother.

She didn't move, soaking up the novel moment. Lelouch was always reserved; he rarely initiated.

Maybe, he hadn't even asked for her because he had been petrified. Maybe there was a reason why her innocent father had to die for his ambitions. Maybe… Maybe…

She would never know unless she found the courage to ask, and how was she supposed to do that when asking him out on a date was beyond her?

Slowly, Lelouch withdrew, but his attention remained fixed on her. He had never looked at her like that before, as if she was all that mattered in the world.

For so long, she had desired his attention, but now nothing could ever become of it.

It was cruel.

"We should see Rivalz. He was worried sick about you."

She wanted to ask if he was as well, but something was lodged in her throat. She could barely breathe, much less speak.

"There is something for us to first discuss in private," Sir Waldstein interrupted.

"Can it not wait? Shirley has just been through an ordeal—"

"It concerns her," Sir Waldstein said. "I will put on some tea."

Lelouch frowned, his attention to her finally waning. "I'm sorry. Undoubtedly, he wants to debrief you, but I imagine that is the furthest thing from your mind right now. Should I send a message to your mother, telling her you're alright?"

Shirley nodded.

"This should have never happened. I'm sorry."

He didn't promise it would never happen again.

Inside Lelouch's quarters above the clubhouse, Sir Bismarck had set out three teacups and a box of crackers.

Watching a brusque military man prepare the tea with a delicate hand boggled her mind. She wondered if she was still in that room, trapped in a vivid dream.

"Sit, Your Highness," Sir Waldstein ordered. He crossed his arms, glaring at her. "You too, girl."

Lelouch huffed, pulling out a chair for her. "Would it kill you to be gentle? Even Suzaku has more tact."

"Tact is a waste of time."

"Not when she just went through a traumatic experience," Lelouch hissed.

"If she is incapable of answering, there are drugs which can be of assistance."

"You're not drugging Shirley!"

She shivered. The Knight of One would claim what he wanted, regardless of her desires. He was the Emperor's representative; she couldn't even object.

"I'll—" she tried to say. The words lodged in her throat painfully, caught in between tension and phlegm. She coughed and eagerly sipped the tea. "I'll talk."

"See," Sir Waldstein said snidely. Any amusement in his face vanished as he focused on her. "How do you know about Zero?"

To her left, Lelouch startled, spilling tea over his lap. He didn't make a sound, returning the shaking cup to the saucer. "Why would you ask her that?"

"Don't interrupt, boy. Answer me, girl. I am finding treason concerningly common in Area Eleven."

"He killed her father," Lelouch snapped, jumping to his feet. He offered her a hand. "You don't have to listen to this, Shirley."

Sir Waldstein glared. "Victory has made you impudent. Our deal does not cover this, but it is only out of consideration for it that I am giving her an opportunity to explain instead of arresting her. Sit down."

Lelouch sat, his wrists resting on top of the table as his fingers slowly curled in, dragging the tablecloth with them.

"Shirley Fennette, how did you learn about Zero?"

Looking at the Knight of One, she knew that he somehow knew about what she had done. How, she couldn't fathom.

Her tongue skirted over her teeth, noting the stringent powdery taste too persistent to be washed away by tea.

Could she not remember what happened in that hour because of shock or because he had given her something?

"I am not a patient man," he warned.

"I don't—I was—" How could she even begin to explain when she didn't understand it herself? Her gaze drifted to Lelouch who seemed to be carved out of stone. "I didn't want to believe it."

"Believe what?" Lelouch asked, his voice raspy.

His ignorance infuriated her. "That you killed my father!"

His eyes widened dramatically, and he turned away from her, focusing all his attention on his tea.

Sir Waldstein sighed. "But how did you learn this?"

She wanted to ask him if the Emperor knew, but of course he did. The Knight of One didn't like Lelouch, that was obvious. He would've never hid any information that could be used to discredit him.

When had he learned the truth? Was it before the announcement?

There was no time to ask questions, demand clarification. Any further delay, and she had no doubt he'd drag her into a dark cell.

"After Narita," she began, voice thick with grief, "they asked me—asked me to identify my fa-father. And, well…"

Shirley squeezed her eyes shut. If only she had ignored her. Then she would still be alive, and Shirley wouldn't be here, knowing a secret that could spell her death.

"An officer, she noticed my wallet, and asked to talk to me. She said—" Her voice failed her again, and she stared beseechingly at Lelouch. If only…

"She accused him of being Zero then?" Sir Walstein asked, his accusing eyes focused on Lelouch. "How careless were you, boy?"

Grabbing the lie would exonerate her, but Shirley shook her head. She had sinned. Maybe this was her punishment. "She said he was connected to terrorists. I didn't want to believe it. I thought maybe he was being blackmailed or landed with the wrong crowd again. It's not the first time his gambling turned sour."

Bismarck's expression somehow became more disapproving as he stared at Lelouch. It was the look of an exasperated parent who knew you could do better.

She pressed her lips together, fighting against the urge to cry. She missed her dad's disapproving frown whenever she showed him her math test. He'd always tell her that she could do better if she actually studied the night before.

Why had she never listened?

"What happened after?" Sir Waldstein interrupted. "You were suspicious."

"I was scared!" Shirley wrung her hand together. "Nothing good happens when the military investigates someone, and it had to be a misunderstanding because he would— I thought he wouldn't hurt someone, someone innocent, I mean."

To her side, Lelouch refused to meet her gaze, focusing entirely on stirring his tea. He hadn't taken a single sip.

"I wanted to prove her wrong," Shirley mumbled. "So I followed Lelouch. Or tried to."

His head snapped up, and she suddenly had his undivided attention. "What were you thinking? You could've gotten hurt!"

"What were you thinking!" she screamed. "You told the world you killed Prince Clovis. Everyone wanted your head! If you didn't come back one day, what would've happened to Nunnally? To us?"

"Focus," Sir Waldstein instructed.

She swallowed. "I lost him by the docks."

"You were there," Lelouch whispered. "I thought I imagined it…"

"The white knightmare was there and then… Zero crashed," she whispered. "I saw him and—"

"I'm sorry," Lelouch whispered.

She squeezed her eyes shut as tears rolled free. Her voice was no longer her own. "I wanted to kill him, for my father. I picked up the gun, and then the mask fell off."

"So you've kept his secret since then," Lord Waldstein said. "You didn't report the identity of Britannia's number one public enemy."

Shirley shuddered. She was never going to see her mother again, was she? Treason. She had committed treason from the moment she pulled that trigger.

"Whose blood was it then?" Lelouch asked.

"The officer… she had followed me. She saw you, kept talking about turning you in, having you executed. I—" The tears wouldn't stop, and she gasped for air between her sobs.

"Shirley…"

"I killed her!" Shirley screamed. He dared to pretend to be sympathetic but he understood nothing. She was the one who took a life and had to live with the guilt, not him. "You killed my father, but I killed for you. I killed for you. And I did it again. And I hate it. I hate it. My dad is gone because of you. He never hurt anyone. He got us tickets to the opera! He wanted me to be happy! But I'm not. How am I supposed to be happy! I hate you!"

She relished the pain in his eyes, so he could finally experience a fraction of her agony.

The feeling of shame was suffocating.

Her chair toppled backwards, and she rubbed her eyes with her sleeve. She couldn't bear another moment of looking at Lelouch's face, the strange mixture of pity and self-loathing. Or at Sir Waldstein, who had drugged her and pulled the truth out of her.

They didn't stop her as she fled through the door and into Nunnally's room. Falling into the bed, she screamed into the pillow.

Who was she? She couldn't even recognize herself anymore. A murder. A terrible friend. Someone who had enjoyed hurting another.

She hated him. She loved him.

For that, she despised herself.

What was Lelouch supposed to say to such a confession? He wished he could go back to Narita and spare Shirley from the pain. He had never meant to hurt her.

He had done so anyway, not once, but thrice.

"I should…" Lelouch sighed. "I should talk to her."

"That is not advisable," Bismarck said. "She is emotionally unstable enough to do something she will regret."

"She killed for me." Lelouch was still trying to wrap his mind around that. Sweet, innocent Shirley had deliberately taken a life. Where had she even learned to aim a gun?

"That does not mean she will not hurt you. I will finish her interrogation later without you. We need to know who the officer is and check whether she told anyone her suspicions. There is also the matter of her kidnapping."

Lelouch crossed his arms. "I am not leaving her alone with you." He would not let her be ripped away, like Kallen. How Bismarck would rule on Shirley's treason in his defense was unclear. "And… there is another problem."

Bismarck raised an eyebrow.

"My gun was missing when I woke up… There was no body."

"If she was alive, she would have filed a report of her suspicions."

"Corpses don't wander off and Cornelia would've investigated the death of a plain clothed officer near a battlefield."

"Then we have a leak. You could've taken more care with your double life."

"It's not like anyone would've believed a seventeen year old was Zero." He crossed his arms. "And bar the Knight of the Rounds suddenly showing up and securing the school, Nunnally and I could've disappeared at a moment's notice."

"How fortunate that your father had the foresight to send me to collect you instead of asking it of Cornelia," Bismarck said dryly.

His father had banished him; he should know nothing about him… Yet, he knew him well enough to send the Knight of One.

Had it been C.C. who guided his actions?

"The military never learned I was Zero… You want to keep it that way."

"Do not leak it," Bismarck warned. "Damage control would be annoying, and you would not like the consequences."

"I meant… how did the Emperor know? I was not that obvious. I can understand him checking where his exiled son disappeared to, but—"

"That is for him to tell you."

Lelouch frowned, unsure of what to make of that answer. Either the truth was something he couldn't be trusted with yet or Bismarck was simply too loyal to reveal anything without explicit permission.

It was too early to tell, especially with how Bismarck had felt off since he returned to assist with the attack. At first, Lelouch had written it off for professionalism, but even now…

"You're calmer."

"And you are not trying to bite my head off, Your Highness."

"I want justice," Lelouch answered. "For the attack… for my mother."

The man smiled bitterly. "I do too, Lelouch. She was so proud when you were born. She brought you with her when she had to train. She wanted to be back in the knightmare as fast as possible, but she didn't want to leave you behind either." He chuckled weakly, and there was real grief in his eyes. "Women were new to knighthood then, and some of the Rounds weren't too keen, especially having her return as a married woman, a mother. She made them eat those words."

Lelouch took a sip of his cold tea to excuse his silence. If he were to say anything, his longing would creep into his voice, betraying his weakness. These were the stories that he had been cut off from, that were erased from history.

Begrudgingly, he had to admit that Bismarck was not a man made for deception. He saw it, recognized it, but he would always prefer to attack a problem with force.

His mother had been like that, making her an outlier at court.

"I'm not like her," Lelouch finally whispered. By necessity and habit, he attacked every problem from the side.

"No…" Bismarck sipped his own tea, radiating awkwardness.

Lelouch wanted to press him for answers, demand why he had abandoned her memory like everyone else after the assassination. He was the Knight of One; he could've demanded justice.

The Emperor wouldn't have refused him as easily as a little upstart prince.

"Wherever she is, she is proud of you," Bismarck said.

"I didn't take you for a religious man."

Bismarck stood abruptly. "I will be back to interrogate Fenette later. I need to check on the autopsy and review security."

"Wait," Lelouch ordered as the man pushed open the door. Miraculously, he did. "What will happen to Shirley?"

Bismarck's shoulders relaxed. "She knows too much."

"I won't have you hurt her or take her away, like Kallen."

"Your friend is fine. She is undoubtedly enjoying the superior simulators available in Pendragon. Fennette would join her, safe from any eavesdropping ears."

"A hostage, you mean," Lelouch said. He was such a fool to relax his guard.

Bismarck rolled his eyes. "She would be back as soon as the Emperor found some time to have a chat and impress on her the importance of never mentioning it again."

"Absolutely not."

"Then geass her." Bismarck raised an eyebrow. "You can do that, make her forget."

Could he? His geass did interfere with memory from his short experiments, but he had never tried to sever part of a person's life from them before.

That instinct which drove his geass, a faulty one given the fiasco with Kallen, suggested it would work.

"I.." If Lelouch said no, there would be no more negotiation. "I will think about it. She'll remain in the clubhouse until I decide."

"You hesitate? You had no qualms subjecting hundreds of men's wills."

Exactly how aware were they of his geass?

"They were my enemy."

"Please, one's enemies are always shifting. She could destroy you, so her knowledge makes you her enemy." Bismarck paused. "Do you wish to marry her?"

Lelouch blinked. Then again. They had just been discussing his geass, then enemies, now… marriage? "What?"

"Pardon," Bismarck corrected irritably. "Mind your manners, Your Highness. You heard me."

"I don't understand… She did like me, I guess, but you heard her. She hates me." Lelouch shrugged, hating how the man's disbelieving look was clearly questioning his intelligence. "There's no reason to marry her either. I doubt she wants me to repay her like that."

"Then is there someone who you wish to marry?"

"No? I never thought that far ahead. I figured I would be dead by the time it mattered."

Bismarck glanced upwards, then wearily shook his head. Without even a parting remark, he slammed the door shut. His heavy footsteps descended down the stairs.

Lelouch snorted. A reminder of his less than stellar childhood was all that it took to exhaust him. Did it make him uncomfortable that noble privilege was so easily discarded? Or was it guilt?

Perhaps, he had found another weapon against his jailor.

Reviewing the conversation, he frowned. The abrupt transition in topic had thrown him off, and if it hadn't been for C.C.'s odd remark, he would've thought nothing of it.

Like C.C., Bismarck had referred to his mother in present tense…

A slightly shorter chapter this time to deal with some aftermath. And yeah this chapter was supposed to out last night, but I fell asleep lol.

I also published the one-shot I mentioned last time, although several days late. FFN is being a bit of an asshole in actually allowing people to access it, so we'll see if that bug extends to this chapter as well. Otherwise, ao3 tends to be much more reliable.

Chat with me on the discord: discord . gg / MFKuCGYxcT