She doesn't even remember how she got there. She wasn't even thinking as she slid down the embankment in her wedding dress. Correction, her mother's wedding dress. It couldn't be hers when she would never be able to marry in it. She barely heard Kevin and Javi yelling at her, telling her it was pointless. She didn't care, she needed to get to him. She knew it was pointless. Her fiancé was dead. The flames engulfed his Mercedes as she reached out to him, yelling his name. Her fingers flirting with the blaze sending a scorching heat through her body. The pain was a welcomed distraction from the hole that was quickly forming in her chest. Her legs betrayed her once again, causing her to crumble onto the ground. As sobs racked her body she pleaded with her mind to let her block out the screams she heard coming from Martha and Alexis. She begged that the walls she finally tore down for her fiancé could somehow build themselves back up instantly. This is why she protected herself, why she lived a guarded life. Because this pain? She can't do it, can't survive it. How can she continue to live when the one person who gave her life meaning again was gone? The sudden cascade of water jolted her back to reality as the flames slowly flickered out. The instant wave of nausea sent her spiraling into sobs once again at its reminder of why she had to survive this.
Kate didn't sleep at the loft that night. For the first time since moving in with Rick, she missed her apartment. After the fire had been put out and they discovered Rick wasn't in the car, the detective in her immediately went to work. She read over bank statements and phone records until her eyes blurred. She was exhausted and all she wanted to do was curl up next to Rick in their bed. She needed him and he was gone. She slept at her desk at the precinct figuring as soon as she woke up she could jump right back into finding the man she loved.
She slept in the guest room the night they found out he had paid to have the car crushed at the impound lot. She broke down in front of Kevin as he tried to come up with some explanation on why Castle would have left. She told him she would talk to his family, see if he mentioned anything to them, anything he wouldn't have told her. But questioning his family meant she had to tell his family. She had to come clean and tell her secret, the one she had only shared with Lanie. She needed to confirm what she already knew. In order to do that, she needed to be able to think clearly and the lack of sleep she was getting would provide anything but that.
Kate woke up exhausted and disoriented. She fought to untangle herself from the unfamiliar sheets while she steadied her breathing. The panic attacks weren't unfamiliar, she got them often after the shooting. But what was unfamiliar was that the one person that could ground her was missing. Once she claimed her limbs as her own again, she sat up reaching for the glass of water on the nightstand. It sloshed from the shake of her hands but she somehow managed not to let it spill out of the glass. She needed to get up, needed to sneak out of the loft before Martha and Alexis could stop her to talk. She wasn't avoiding them, she really wasn't. She would check in and shoot them a text every couple of hours to let them know they didn't have any updates. Kate knew as soon as she saw them she would come clean so she had to do this.
She finally pulled herself out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. She stopped suddenly at the full length mirror, lifting her shirt slightly to search her body for any physical signs that she would be a mother. She cursed herself as she traced her fingers along the small bump that had started to form. How had she not noticed? She had been stretching herself thin the last couple of months. Between moving to DC, starting a new job, moving back from DC, planning a wedding, and busting her ass at the twelfth to prove she still belonged there, she had completely ignored everything her body had been telling her. A lump formed in her throat, all the air in her lungs leaving her body.
Castle.
What if he noticed? What if he knew before she did? What if he didn't want this, what if that's why he left? Sure, they had talked about kids. But not recently. Kate quickly dressed as tears formed in the corners of her eyes. She snuck out of the loft, successfully avoiding both red heads. She quickly sent Martha and Alexis a text asking to meet her at the loft for lunch while she hailed a taxi. Her tears didn't fall until she was tucked safely into the car on her way to meet Lanie. She didn't bother to brush them away.
Lanie pulled her into a hug as soon as she stepped out onto the curb in front of the office building. "Hey sweetie, are you ready for this?" Lanie asked, releasing her friend from her tight embrace. Kate simply nodded her head and grabbed her friends hand tightly before walking in. Lanie had called in a favor from one of her friends from Med School. Kate needed someone she could trust, someone that wouldn't sell this information to the tabloids for a quick buck. So when Lanie's friend offered to see her before her practice opened for the day, she jumped on it. Dr. Reynolds was a short woman, barely 5 feet tall if Kate had to guess. The doctor smiled warmly at her, making the customary introductions while sympathy flashed across her features. Dr. Reynolds led them into the exam room. She allowed Kate time to lay on the exam table before she walked back into the room. "Dr. Parish said you would like a quick ultrasound just to confirm pregnancy?" The doctor questioned, looking towards Kate who just nodded. "Have you been having any symptoms of pregnancy? Missed period, nausea, fatigue?" Kate cleared her throat, her voice slightly wavering. "My cycle has never been regular, so I didn't even question not having a period for a few months. I've had some nausea and fatigue. It's been more noticeable the last week, I thought it was wedding nerves and overworking myself before the honeymoon." The doctor gave her a genuine smile, "Some women go through their entire pregnancy without symptoms. Some might not even realize they're pregnant until they're in labor. Every pregnancy and every body is different, Kate. Now, if you're ready for me, you can lift up your shirt and I'll get started. The gel should be warm, but my hands will probably be cold." Kate followed the doctors instructions, flinching when her cold fingertips grazed her abdomen. The doctor moved the wand around her stomach, watching the screen that was only visible to her. A steady whooshing noise filled the room before a constant "galloping" replaced it. "Your baby has a nice, steady and strong heartbeat. I'd estimate you to be about 15 weeks. Most women find out before 10 weeks, but I'm not surprised you didn't notice until later with your workload and current stress levels." Dr. Reynolds turned the screen, allowing Kate and Lanie to see. "Now, baby has moved, but I was able to catch a quick glimpse to determine the gender. Would you like to know?" Kate looked up at Lanie, tears once again falling from her eyes, and shook her head no. "I want Martha and Alexis to be there when I find out. I think that's something we need to do together." The doctor nodded before telling both women she would write the gender in an envelope so finding out would be on Kate's terms. She wiped the remaining gel from Kate's stomach before sending her home, armed with prenatal vitamins, a sealed envelope and four tiny black and white pictures.
The proof Kate had been searching for.
Kate managed to hold it together until her and Lanie made it back outside. She let her grief take over as her mind tried to process everything that had happened within the last week. Lanie held onto her tightly, not letting go until Kate had managed to calm down. "Thank you for coming with me and for calling in a favor from Dr. Reynolds. I'll call you tonight after I talk with Martha and Alexis." Kate gave her friend another quick hug before opening the door of the cab Lanie managed to grab.
She clutched the pictures in her hand, staring at the images. She was having a baby, her fiancé and the father of her child had disappeared, and she had to question his family and tell them he was alive and had chosen to leave. None of it sat right with Kate, she didn't want to believe that he could just leave them. This wasn't him.
All of the evidence said it was.
A/N: Part of me wanted to abandon this story but the part of me who has mapped out five more chapters tells me not to so here we are.