Chapter 12: Understanding
I'm always gonna worry about
The things that could make us cold
"Is he okay?! No side effects, still breathing, did you talk to the healer?!"
"Yes Vassa, everything is fine. You think I'd be this calm if it wasn't."
"Sorry sorry. It's just...I was hoping this wouldn't happen again."
He understood. Vassa's sad face in the glow of the spell reminded him of the expression Tamarand had all upon their arrival back home. Clare seemed to have eased the tensions, still, he'd make a moment to speak with his friend later.
"It's not going to happen again. Tell Tam to get his perky bum over here tomorrow at 10 a.m. I'll be done with my session then and he can have the next one. We'll take care of our favorite blonde!"
"Thanks, Nesta. I'll let him know."
"Good. Now I'm stealing Vassa. We need to paint Jurian's face like a suriel before he wakes up."
He chuckled as the girls faded away. A part of him wished he could join in on the mischief, but he wouldn't dare go back until Tamlin was better and by his side.
'I should leave a note for when he wakes.'
Lucien glanced at the sleeping male on the bed. Tamlin was now hugging a pillow instead of him. It was adorable and hilarious at the same time.
Opening the drawers to the desk he found an envelope addressed to him. It looked a little worn, and there was a small stain of red upon it.
Lucien froze. He knew this had to be the note from the first suicide attempt. A part of him didn't even want to look at it. Still, he decided to open and read it for the sake of purging everything away.
Beloved Lucien:
This is the last letter I shall ever write to you. By the time you read this, I'll be gone. I hope it doesn't bother you too much, I'm leaving at peace because you'll be well cared for. Still, perhaps my ghost might want to linger around you on occasion. Not even death will keep me from seeking out the light of your presence.
You are the only person I wish I could say goodbye to. The only one who despite my failures never once held a grudge. At times that irked me, surely after everything I did you should've hated me! But that was never the case, and all I ever got from you was unconditional love. Thank you, that was enough to keep me alive a little longer.
There was once a point in our lives when I was certain we could spend them together. That I could finally get down on my knees and tell you in detail every single thing I love about you as I gave you a ring and called you mine forevermore. That day won't ever come, and it is my biggest regret. Selfish right? I should be regretting the fall of the Court more, or the way I treated Feyre, or the death of my family, yet all I can think about now it's the fact that I am leaving you, that I can't be with you, that despite not deserving it I still want you. I'll always want you.
I'm sorry for being so cruel. You trusted me to care for you, and I did the opposite. I should've sent you to Day or Summer when you came to me, so much pain could've been avoided...I'm so sorry my sweet Luce. You deserved so much better, and I'll forever regret not treasuring you properly. Perhaps another will do so for me.
I hope you go on adventures with Vassa and Jurian. The general and I never knew each other well, but he'll be loyal and a good friend to you of that I can be certain. Her Majesty sounds like a lovely person from what you told me, I hope you get to help her break the curse and both of you are able to cast away the crowns that once brought you so much pain.
Jesminda was taken from us before her time, and I have proven to be undeserving of your heart, but perhaps Elain will treat you like you deserve. She's a beautiful woman, and very sweet. You're lucky to have found a good mate, I wish you both the best. And may she be the true love of your life. Mother knows you deserve everything that's good in this world. Forgive me for not giving it to you.
I love you so much, Lucien. So very much. I'm sorry for everything, I'll apologize until the end of time should the mother allow me to rest before my next life and meet you again once you've passed. If not, then I'll seek you out when I am reborn, or again, my ghost will linger for you.
Live a happy and long life, my clever fox. I'd like to hear all about it when we reunite. Thank you for everything, and if you may, please apologize to Feyre in my name, perhaps she might like to hear the words coming from you instead.
Goodbye, light of my life, I love you too much to be a burden to you any longer. Please know this isn't your fault. This is the last thing and perhaps the only good thing I can do for you. Forgive me.
Tamlin
By the time he finished reading half the ink had been washed away by his tears. So many apologies and the painful yearning could be felt from that paper. He clung to it with rage and sadness.
How?! How was he ever convinced that he was a burden?! That Lucien would be anything other than miserable if he was gone?! That Feyre deserved more apologies than the ones he gave and yet she never uttered a single one after shattering his heart and leaving a trail of innocents in her wake?! And yet...What hurt most was knowing that Tamlin still loved him after everything.
This wasn't his fault, he knew it. He'd been reassured and accepted it. Yet Lucien would give anything to go back to those days knowing what he knows now. To protect his beloved wolf from all this pain, from the scars, and the trauma and the heartbreak. To tell him that no matter what he'd always love him. 'That can't be done. But I can care for him now.'
He walked over to the bed and sat down beside the sleeping Tamlin. Then he kissed him, and Tamlin woke soon after Lucien's lips left his.
"What a wonderful way to wake up." He said dreamily as he sat up and stretched. "Good morning, light of my life."
"Good morning, beautiful flower."
Tamlin smiled until he noticed that Lucien was still holding onto the note. "I thought I disposed of that."
"I was about to. You don't need to worry."
"I'm sorry you had to read that."
"Don't be, I'm just happy this isn't the last I have of you. That you're still here for me to hold, love, and care for."
Tamlin blushed and chuckled. "You're too sweet."
"Of course. You deserve all the sweetness I can give."
With one last kiss, he let Tamlin get ready while tidying up their room, finally burning away the sorrowful letter.
Tamlin came out of the bathroom fully dressed with his golden locks still wet and smelling like aloe.
"Give me that towel before you make puddles," Lucien told him as he took the towel and dried his hair. "I spoke to Vassa and Nesta. If you'd like to have therapy sessions they can start tomorrow."
"Yes. I shall attend."
There was no anger or doubt in his voice. It reminded him of the olden days when the two were first running the court together and Tamlin's authoritative yet warm nature worked wonders.
"Good. Now let's get some food. Lunara said she'd give you a check-up before going back to Velaris."
They walked down to the dining room hand in hand, he could feel Tamlin's gaze on him, full of adoration and love.
"Tam, I don't want to blush all day again.'"
"Too bad, red suits you."
"Teasing wolf. I love you."
"I love you too."
"You didn't need to accompany me," Azalea told her fiance.
He kissed her hand and continued walking alongside her. "I'm aware but I do want to see my brother-in-law. I'm really worried."
"Me too, but I know our moms must but giving him enough food to last a week, and I trust Luci and Tam to keep an eye on him."
True to what she said they arrived and saw Tamlin spending time in the gardens, directing Tamarand as he practiced some spells.
Lucien was also teaching the young lord, but instead of earth and air magic, his spells were of flame and light.
"It's good to see you're taking it easy, Lin."
Tamlin turned at the sound of her voice and ran up to hug both her and Tarquin. The gesture was reciprocated.
"I'm so happy to see you!"
Hearing him say that was enough to confirm he was happy and at least for now stable.
"It's good to see you well, Tamlin. We were quite worried. I'll leave you with Azalea to discuss things."
With one last hug to them both, Tarquin went to greet Lucien and Tamarand. She turned her gaze to Tamlin. He was calm and happy but she could see some tiredness too. His eyes fell on hers and he smiled. "I've been told you proved your battle skills against our favorite court."
Azalea chuckled. "You could say that. I've never shifted much, but last night I found out my form is a sphinx."
"Oh wow, an ancient form. That's a sign of great power. Suddenly I feel some pity for Rhysand."
"Don't, not even as a joke." She growled. "I made sure that damn shitlord and his court of imbeciles will never even fly over us again!"
"Lea..." He breathed out her nickname, realization washing over his concerned face. "Did you tear out their wings?"
"Rhysand's and Feyre's. Cassian might be out of commission too. Should've gotten Azriel as well."
Tamlin was uneasy. He didn't look angry or sad but he was unhappy. "I...I'm grateful that you've defended me. I know my brothers wouldn't have dared do such a thing for me..."
"But you regret it. Don't you?"
"For centuries Rhysand thought I kept his mother and sister's wings as trophies. Of course, I did not but...Giving that man more reasons to think I would is upsetting."
She placed a hand under his chin, gently cupping it. "Tamlin, you are not what he says you are. You've never been nor could ever be that monster. You're merciful, you're kind, you would give your life for the betterment of the world if it came to it, you're brilliant!
I however am not as merciful as you. I have no regrets for what I did other than the fact that I didn't make all of them truly pay! I might feel pity if they hadn't dared try to take you from us! You are my brother Tamlin, you're a part of our family and by now it should be known that I won't let any harm come to my family! If I had to do this a million times over again then I would! You deserve to be protected."
He smiled at her, hugging her so tightly that Azalea felt herself being lifted up in the air. "Thank you, Lea. Thank you so much for everything."
"Anytime my dear brother!"
Tamlin and Azalea had headed inside, probably so that she could see her mothers.
Lucien smiled seeing the siblings so happy to be reunited.
He turned back to his friends, Tamarand was having a heart-to-heart with the Summer High Lord about his new duties. Lucien didn't expect to hear what Tamarand asked about next.
"What shall I do when Calanmai comes? I've never...you know..."
Tarquin chuckled, he too, seemed to understand. "The first ceremony is always a little scary, don't worry too much Tamarand. If it helps, you could practice."
It was meant to be a joke, but the brunette turned redder than Lucien's hair upon hearing that. "I- I cannot! I'm not against it but you see..." Tamarand sighed. "I don't care much for sex not if I'm not romantically interested in the person. It takes long for me to fall and well...that's something I doubt I'll be able to do by May."
He understood. Lucien too wasn't one for sex unless he was at least attached to the person in question. That was probably why that dreadful night with Ianthe still left a sour taste in his mouth. As of late, he suspected Tamarand and Clare could become more than just good friends but to propose such an act before they were even a couple seemed in poor taste.
"You won't have to do the rite by May. I will take your place." He suggested.
"Absolutely not! Lucien you once told me you didn't wish to do such a thing again! Besides, I don't think my brother would want to perform such a rite again either!"
"I understand your concerns Tamarand and I really appreciate it but this is clearly something that troubles you as well, and if we're able to ease your burden then we will try. I'll breech the subject to Tamlin later.
And as for your Lord Tarquin, I suggest you prepare as well. Azalea can be a handful."
Tarquin smiled mischievously. "Oh I know that well, I intend to let her take the reigns."
Lucien chuckled when he saw the still-red Tamarand hide his face. "Don't let her break you, please. Azalea can be a little too eager for control."
Knowing the Spring High Lord was shy when it came to the subject neither he nor Tarquin said that it wouldn't matter and that the Summer High Lord might even encourage it.
"We should go inside. Otherwise, I fear Ophelia might drag us back in for lunch."
The Lords didn't argue with him. While he wasn't looking forward to Calanmai and had even planned to spend it in the human lands, he was looking forward to having a taste of his beloved Tamlin again.
Tamlin had noticed the concerned expression on his beloved's face. Lucien had lunch with them and continued his conversation about duties with Tamarand and Tarquin, but there was something on his mind he did not voice.
He waited until Tarquin and Azalea left. His brother had paperwork to do and his mothers would check on the court while Clare was helping the staff. That left him with time to speak with Lucien.
The redhead went with him to their room. He sat on the bed and didn't even wait for him to ask. "Yes, there is something I'm thinking of. It involves the both of us."
"Oh? And what might that be?"
"I was thinking we should take over Calanmai this year."
He was not expecting that.
"Really? You...want to?"
"It's not a matter of desire. But Tamarand is demisexual and while I think he and Clare could come to develop romantic feelings-"
"Two more months might not be enough."
"Precisely. It's already March, we don't have the luxury of time and if the ceremony isn't performed correctly it could result in damage to the court."
Tamlin nodded. "I have no problem with performing the ceremony again, the only aspects of it I hated were the possession aspect and the random partners I had to take. If it's with you, I feel secure in performing it.
What worries me it's you. Are you sure you want to do this after what happened with Ianthe?"
Lucien shuddered at the mention of her name but still nodded. "What happened with her still disgusts me to this day, For a while I thought it would ruin intimacy for me forever.
Thankfully that's not the case and while I've passed up on opportunities before I'd be quite foolish to pass up the opportunity to be with you."
He missed the feel of those soft hands on his face, Tamlin instinctively kissed them, he never grew tired of doing so.
"I'm honored you think that, but you're well aware of what I become during Calanmai. Do you trust me in that state?"
Lucien raised an eyebrow and kissed him. As loving as his kisses were, Tamlin always felt as if he'd been left breathless by them.
"You silly wolf. I've been wanting to have you on Calanmai night for decades. The idea of losing control by your side, the two of us until sunrise not able to think of anything else. It's very enticing.
As for the matter of trust, you should know well by now that I trust you with both my body and my soul. You're safety to me, Tam."
Those loving and heated words got to him. He knew his darling fox well, but every time he spoke so sweetly Tamlin melted.
"You're safety to me too. This might be the only time I'll actually enjoy such a ceremony."
Lucien got close to him again, their lips almost touching as he whispered. "We better practice then."
They didn't get past a few kisses before there was knocking on the door. Tamlin groaned in frustration, noticing that Lucien also looked like he wanted to punch something.
"Luci you have a visitor at the library!" Clare told him and then there was silence.
"Might as well deal with that. Wait here, I'm not done with you yet."
Tamlin chuckled. "As you wish, my prince."
Lucien gave him one last kiss before stepping out. Tamlin smiled looking at him too as he left.
Left alone in their room he lay down on their bed, looking at the ceiling. The ceiling that was once cracked and covered in ivy vines was now fully fixed and adorned with small glowing lights. The bed he laid on felt too big for him alone, but now he shared it with the love of his life every day.
The scars across his wrists were fading, though once they were spilling crimson that called to Lucien and the Ambrose family. Months ago the only visits he looked forward to were Lucien's, although he was occasionally disgraced by Rhysand's dreadful company. Now the court was full again. There was laughter, flowers, and magic around every corner.
He was so happy to be alive. Tomorrow he would go to the doctor, and maybe visit his human friends. Perhaps he should make time to see Bron as well, the former sentry did say to come see him often, and there was nothing better after a doctor's appointment than some yummy food.
Tamlin felt his eyes grow heavy, and his smile faded as he fell asleep. The road to healing was long and yesterday he slipped but he would still walk it if it meant things could continue to improve.
'I'll have to thank Dorevan for pushing me back to life. Buff doofus is going to develop a complex.' He thought as he let sleep claim him.
Lucien nearly fainted when he saw Tybalt talking to Tamarand in the library. The High Lord of Spring was at such at ease that he wondered if he was speaking to the same man that Lucien often avoided when they lived at the Autumn Court Palace. It did look like him, however. Same dark brown hair and russet eyes filled with both sadness and cunning.
"Uh weren't you dead?" The words slipped out almost in a daze before he could stop them.
Tybalt laughed. "Not yet. Cedric stuck me in a fucking freezer after nearly offing me. Woke up yesterday."
"Remind me to not let Azalea get me cornered in the kitchen," Tamarand told Tybalt as he stood up to leave. "It's been nice talking to you, Lord Tybalt. Feel free to visit anytime."
"Thank you, I'll take you up on that offer."
This didn't seem like the same brother he'd often come to blows with. Did Cedric also alter his brain? He'd have to ask the alchemist whenever he saw him again.
"Sorry for interrupting you, I can tell you were...occupied."
Lucien noticed he hadn't fixed his hair or shirt before coming here. 'Great, the others won't shut up about this once he tells them.'
"It's fine. Clare said you wanted to see me."
"Yes. I wanted to apologize to you."
"...Are you sure you're the real Tybalt and not a clone?"
"Last time I checked yes."
"Well, I...I don't even know what to say."
"I understand this might be unexpected, but after that near-death experience, I figured I should fix what mistakes I can have a second chance to atone for.
You were probably the one who suffered the most in our damn family and save for Eris and Mom we really didn't help matters. Nemesis was losing it half the time, Cedric isolated and the rest of us just tried to imitate Beron as best as we could with mixed results.
You didn't deserve the physical nor the emotional abuse and I apologize for all that did when we were young.
I'm also sorry about Jesminda. The truth is none of us wanted her dead but...Beron insisted."
He closed his eyes, trying to will away the memory of that night. Of the blood and the broken body of the woman he loved.
"If you are to apologize for her do it to her grave. I cannot grant anyone forgiveness for that. Though her spirit is no longer with us either."
Tybalt nodded. Apparently, the others had told him of yesterday's dreaded events.
"I shall do as you say, but still I felt the need to say sorry to you as well. She meant a lot to all of us, as a friend and to you as a lover, and maybe had we all fought for her."
"Stop, you know that would've been a disaster. Listen, when it comes to Jess I won't tell you to bother. Nothing can be done now and even back then I think...she knew the outcome of remaining in Autumn. You're not to blame, at least not like Beron.
What I do want to know is why you chased me here. Did Gideon and Arryn convince you or was it willing?"
"They asked me to join and I said yes. I thought I could convince them that leaving you exiled in Spring would be enough and that you'd renounced the court willingly but you knew those two, half a brain cell to share between them and most of the time Cedric had custody of it."
He hated that for a brief second he felt compelled to miss his brothers or that he wasn't as angry with Tybalt as he once was.
He'd seen it in his eyes after Arryn died. That ache of losing his twin, the panic that he'd be next, and if he was trying to stop them, then he was probably realizing he'd failed.
"I should apologize for that, Arryn was your twin and I killed him. I'm sorry."
"Don't. I will always miss him but my dear twin made his choice and wouldn't be dissuaded. Perhaps he now can travel the seas in peace.
I don't blame you at all for what happened that day Lucien. It was self-defense and...and I know you've carried the pain for way too long. I'm sorry."
How easy would it have been to turn him away, to have a small revenge against the brother that failed him when they were children. But that was it, they were children, children living with a man who made each of them miserable in their own unique way. He wouldn't let that man continue to tear them apart.
Lucien took a breath. "I'm grateful you came to apologize, it means a lot to me and I never thought I would get that from you.
I forgive you, Tybalt and I am happy to have you back. Perhaps now that we're all getting better and not stuck under the same roof we could grow to be proper siblings."
His brother smiled. "I'd like that. Thank you, Lucien. I shall prove worthy of your trust."
Tybalt looked different when he was smiling, and so did Cedric, Eris, and even Nemesis. All of them were coming alive now that Beron was out of the way. 'If only things could stay like that...'
There was a knock on the door before Ophelia came in. "Tybalt, are you staying for dinner? Asteria is helping out in the kitchen and insisted you tasted her cooking."
"Lady Asteria was very sweet when I first arrived. It'd be cruel of me to refuse the invitation. I'll join you all if it's okay."
"Of course sweetie! I'll go tell her!"
The moment she left the room Lucien smirked at his sibling. "Congratulations, they'll adopt you as their own."
Tybalt laughed. "I wouldn't mind that in the least."
Tamlin didn't expect to be visiting a mansion for the sake of a therapy session. Nevertheless, here he was waiting for Nesta's session to finish. As he arrived he saw many servants and an abundance of children. Some young, some reaching their teens but all of them different. He deduced that this manor was probably their refuge.
"Hello, sir! Is there anything I can get you before your session?"
A pretty human woman came to greet him. She had long silky black hair, dark skin, sparkling amethyst eyes, and wore garments similar to those of the Dawn Court, though he could not remember the name of the human realm they originated from.
"Nothing at the moment, ma'am, thank you."
"Alright then. The name's Priya, if you need anything let me know."
He nodded politely as she left. Nesta opened the door and walked out of the office, smiling brightly as she saw him.
"Good to see you!" She told him as she hugged him.
Nesta looked better, she'd gained back the weight lost in the Night Court and her hair was now shoulder-length. She also looked so much happier that he couldn't help but smile.
"It's good to see you too. Thanks for setting this up."
"Anytime. We'll be waiting for you at the manor, don't be late!"
"Wouldn't dream of it."
The eldest Acheron sister walked away, leaving him to finally enter the office. Inside there was a handsome older human man, with grey-black hair, brown eyes, and pale skin. He petted a black cat that had woken from its slumber in the pet bed. The office was painted dark blue and had various accolades hung on the walls. There was a desk and chair, a long seat, and the one-person sofa the doctor sat on.
The man stood up and smiled. "Hello Hello! You must be Tamlin! An honor to finally meet ya! My name is Elias Contreras and I'll be your therapist."
They shook hands and he gestured for the long seat for Tamlin to occupy. "Before we start, can I get you anything? A drink, or a snack?"
"No thank you. Priya offered the same just a few moments ago."
"Ah yes, Priya is currently my eldest. She is set to inherit the office once I pass so I do believe she might practicing. Do get a treat before departure it'll make her day."
He smiled. "Alright then."
The black cat nearby jumped onto Tamlin's chest. The blonde didn't say anything and immediately pet him, which earned him some purring from the feline.
"Neko, stop making my patients pet you."
"I do not mind, he's very cute."
Elias smiled. "If that's the case then cuddle away. Now I know you're an animal person."
'Something like that.' Tamlin thought to himself.
"Well, Tamlin. First and foremost I shall ask you something simple. Why are you here?"
Where to start? Tamlin thought about it for a moment before answering.
"I've recently had two suicide attempts. One when my life was at its lowest, three months ago. The other took place two days ago, after I've made progress and met some amazing people I can longer live without.
The second was apparently influenced by magic, but said magic wouldn't have worked if I didn't have any desire to do such a thing, however faint or buried. If it's possible I'd like you to help me understand where these feelings come from and what I can do to heal from them. This time I don't want to slip again."
"Slipping in recovery is incredibly common, but I completely understand your concern. If am to understand you better then we should start at the beginning. Tell me about your childhood."
He did. Everything he could remember from the times his mother took him and his brothers to plant roses to the days he curled up in a ball in the corner of his room, bruised and terrified.
Time had changed his perspective on these events, and while many still haunted him, he now had a better understanding of them.
Tamlin lingered on the day of his family's death, his last talk with Ciaran and what happened when he met Dorevan again.
"It's good to know you had closure, many of us do not get an explanation as to why our family members act the way they do. If your brothers both made peace with you and you've forgiven them then that's a good step toward healing.
As for your parents and what you've told me it seems your family was stuck in a cycle of generational trauma. Your older brothers were abusive to you because of your father, and his father likely did the same to him, and on and on it goes until someone breaks the cycle. It's admirable you and your brothers chose to do so even if it was tragically cut short."
"Do you think I would continue the cycle if I had a child? I'd like to be a father someday but this scares me."
"One cannot predict the future lad, but from what I've seen today you are trying to get your life back on track, and you did agree to be better alongside your brothers. It sets up a good precedent that you would not continue this cycle. I'm very proud of you for doing so."
He smiled brightly. Maybe it was the reassurance or the fact that those words were something he'd longed to hear from his own father, but Tamlin felt lighter at that comment. He muttered a shy 'Thank you' before the session resumed.
"As for your parents, it is not in my place to speculate for I know nothing about unstable magic or mating bonds, but I do believe this relationship was quite codependent and limits had to be set. Perhaps that might've benefited you and your siblings."
If only. If Oisin had been the one to break the cycle or if Rosabella had held the man accountable for his misdeeds then maybe things would be different. It was pointless to think of it now, the pair was long gone and reincarnated, and not even their ghosts remained to linger and listen. He had forgiven them and let them go by now, but he hoped that if they all coincided again in another life, things would be different.
"Do you think the reason I spiraled was my upbringing?"
"From what you've told me, I would say it was the beginning of a downward spiral. You had no proper male role models nor any loving family other than your mother, then you abruptly lost them all without closure with them all or any guidance towards your new duties. Worst of all you lost them at the hands of one you once called a friend.
Betrayal like that is a gaping wound, if you don't stitch it up as soon as possible you'll bleed out. Rhyasand wanted you to bleed out...as slowly as possible. Hence the taunting."
He got dizzy at the mere mention of the Night Lord's name. Every single taunt echoed in his mind. The venomous words, the bloody things he'd discarded in his garden during the years of the curse, the way in which he took his bride and court from him and dared make him believe he deserved nothing, it was all too much.
He felt Neko nuzzling close to him and purring, he focused his attention on petting the feline as his eyes closed. "I really loved him once. He was my brother, my friend, my ally.
It's fine if he can't forgive me for what I did. If our places had been switched I probably wouldn't forgive him either. I just hate that others got caught in his scheme for revenge."
"I agree. Seeing your people as collateral damage is quite a disgusting way of thinking and frankly, it does me well that this man is not here or I likely would be turned to violence.
But if there's any consolation, I can tell who the better High Lord is by simply hearing how much you value your court despite never striving for the position of High Lord."
He smiled. Andras had said that the sentries and the fallen Spring citizens forgave him, yet hearing this said out loud by an outsider was very reassuring.
"Thank you."
"My pleasure. Now, tell me more about the years that followed. You spoke of the Night Lord, what about other enemies, any other traumatic events before the war?"
Answering that took another half hour. He had all but repressed the memories of red hair and long red nails that often gripped him tight enough to draw blood. He remembered the night his darling Lucien was found at the border with a wound horrific enough to make him vomit. The cries and screams as he was treated, while Tamlin didn't let go of his hand. The raging anger as he put a stop to Amarantha's whims once and for all, or so he thought because that night 50 years ago was the night he damned his court to fall. Finally, he saw many a good man walk away to their doom for his sake, the final one being his kindest friend. Then...then the thorns came to strangle him and Spring till they broke. He stopped before ever saying her name.
"I'm so sorry to hear that, Tamlin. You've endured so much in such a short time, and having a predator hounding you worsened everything."
"There are times when I agree but...part of me feels like I should've given in and saved everyone so much pain."
"Absolutely not! Listen to me Tamlin, you are not at fault for what that woman did to you and to your court. She was a disgusting predator trying to make you her victim, and giving in wouldn't have stopped her from causing strife, rather it would've benefited her."
Many had told him that, still he wished he could've stopped his deranged mate from dragging them all into a half-century of hell.
"From the tales of woe that have reached human ears this Queen Amarantha you speak of still strikes terror upon those younger than me. The mere idea that submission would've placated her is incorrect on arrival.
What I will tell you will sound absurd, but I need you to understand, and to assimilate it. The curse was a better outcome than whatever would've happened if you gave in.
Think about it lad, what would giving in to her have accomplished? You all would've still been miserable under a woman who controlled the land, locked you all there, took your power, and would've ravished your kingdom if you tried to oppose her after becoming hers. The curse at the very least bought you time and helped defeat her. Even if the aftermath was not what you expected."
Tamlin hadn't considered that. Jurian had told him he was the only one to defy Amarantha. Perhaps that defiance did yield a positive, however small. The woman was dead...they were safe from her at least. The ordeal under the mountain had cost them all so much, but they made out alive. Except for the woman he once loved.
Because whatever she'd become wasn't who he'd sworn to adore until death. 'The one I loved wouldn't have finished what Amarantha started.'
"I think I can come to see the curse as positive if not for...what came after."
"Feyre?"
"Yes, Feyre."
"I only know of this woman due to her relation to Nesta. I'd like to hear from you."
He'd told him everything. How they met, their courtship, when he sent her away because of Rhysand when she returned and endured hell to save them all, and when she died and was returned to him, albeit not the same.
Tamlin understood he was wrong. He should've tried to help her when she woke from nightmares and began to decline and he had tried but perhaps not hard enough, not in the way she'd needed.
He was traumatized too, and what help could a raging traumatized man give? He thought that he'd make things worse if he stepped in directly. That was his most fatal mistake.
Ianthe, who he had considered a dear friend and hoped would provide an unclouded and sane perspective for the court just caused them more trouble. He felt foolish for listening to her instead of Lucien, for letting her care for Feyre when in reality the priestess was just breaking his beloved down further and making Luce miserable.
Of course that then led to bloody High Lord Rhysand sticking his damn claws into Feyre's head. He was terrified of having to give up his beloved to that man every month. Feyre wouldn't say she was hurt but he knew Rhysand could make her forget if he wanted to. He lost count of the hours spent looking through books to break that blasted bargain. Fat load of good that did for them now.
Tamlin hated remembering those days. The final time he saw her before their relationship shattered, crying and pleading with him not to leave her, to not lock her up. And he'd hesitated, but then his mind brought back the memory of her broken lifeless body, and he made sure to lock that manor up with every protection spell he'd ever learned.
Only for her to be taken by his mortal enemy. 'No, not an enemy. Her mate.' For a moment his mouth tasted like ash.
Elias nodded as he finished this part of the story. "This relationship wasn't torn apart by just you."
"But... I was the one who locked her up! I lost my temper! I...I was a monster."
"You were wrong, yes. But I hesitate to call you a monster Tamlin. You were both losing your minds at the time, didn't discuss boundaries or trauma, and had outside influences working against you. All of these factors contributed to the decline of your relationship.
If you had both communicated properly, come to agreements, addressed your issues, and purged the influences of those that kept on pulling you away then maybe this relationship would've survived. And if not, I could at least see it ending in an amicable matter, rather than...a shattered court."
So many 'What-ifs' and hours spent wondering if could've changed the dreaded outcome of this fallout. In the end, he was willing to give up Feyre, even if it broke him. Tamlin wanted her to be happy and now he knew that he could be happy without her too. He just wished he'd come to the realization before countless innocents suffered for it.
Tamlin told Elias the rest of the story. How he deteriorated even further after Feyre went missing. How he bargained with Hybern to get her back, being willing to risk the world for her sake, and how in turn he got a knife in his back, a destroyed court, and the loss of every single person he once loved. Well, all but one who he thankfully still had.
"Fuck...I'm the one angry now." The elderly man told him in a joking yet sincere voice. "I'm so sorry, lad. This sounds like a tragedy from the myths of old. It is entirely undeserved."
His loved ones often told him that. Still, it was so healing for him to hear it from both a professional and a stranger. This time he couldn't use bias to rationalize the statement. Elias said this because he meant it. Because he was right.
"She did all that just because you locked her up? I'm aware that it was a triggering moment for your ex-fiance and I do not wish to minimize her sorrows, but her grievance with you is no excuse to plunge an entire Court into ruin during a time of war. In her shoes, I might've used the opportunity to end my enemy before the war erupted. Then if she wished to leave, she could've. Perhaps it would've been in vain, perhaps the king would've still waged war upon your lands, but with your court united then you would've been able to minimize casualties and damage."
The sounds of dying sentries and civilians alone still haunted him. He saved a few, others he tried to but he was too late, and others like Daphne Ambrose were lost even if he hadn't witnessed it. Tamlin didn't blame any of them for leaving to Summer and Autumn. He hoped they were safe, but soon accepted that more of his former citizens might've died during the Summer battles.
"Was she right? Not for the court but her hate of me?"
"Yes and no. After the tumultuous end of your relationship I can understand her bitterness and anger, she was well within her right to dislike you and even hate you. But rather than speaking with you or simply keeping away from you she chose to ruin your court and break off all other connections you held, doing so on the verge is war...It's not just disgustingly cruel but a politically inept maneuver. The fact that you tell me this woman was crowned High Lady of the Night Court makes me very worried for whoever lives there.
Emotions matter and I can empathize with Miss Acheron in this situation. Still, I sincerely believe that she's either not in her right mind for doing what she did or she's heartless. There is no other excuse."
For all his bitterness and resentment towards Feyre, Tamlin couldn't bring himself to call her heartless. What they had was not a lie, he could tell, and he still treasured it. The former option however did give him pause. This wasn't the first time he considered that Feyre wasn't acting like herself. After her time with Rhysand, she had become a different person, he merely attributed it to the mating bond, but he now he wasn't so sure.
The clock chimed and he realized his session was now over. The hours had flown by, yet he felt a little lighter having spilled out so many things about his past and getting a better understanding of it.
"I believe our time is up. I feel like this has been a productive session. Next time I'd like to discern some behaviors based on what you've told me. Until then keep up your care routine and feel free to contact me if anything happens. I'll see you in two weeks Tamlin. Take care, lad. You deserve it."
Neko nuzzled against him before moving so he could stand. "Thank you, Neko. Thank you, Elias. This was really freeing, I hope to see you both soon."
The elderly man smiled and politely nodded. Tamlin decided to grab a snack on his way out, hopefully, Priya's offer still stood.
The young woman was in the kitchen having muffins with the children, though there was someone else there, and he was filled with joy by just seeing him.
"Hi Tam. How was the session?"
He smiled. After hours of revisiting his painful past, he was aware of the one constant that stayed with him through the best and worst of times. For as long as he lived he never wanted to lose the light of his life.
"It was great. Thanks for coming to see me." He said as he hugged the redhead.
Lucien chuckled. "Anytime. I'm proud of you. Now, let's have a bite, while you tell me all about it. Priya made carrot muffins."
"I just can't decipher what this damn language is and it will drive me mad!" Cedric grumbled as he flipped through his history books, trying to find explanations that seemed far out of reach.
The ancient spells the inner circle had used for their little monster experiments were written in a language he couldn't find on any book or any scroll. Azalea wasn't having any luck either, and he doubted if he could share this with other researchers lest their investigation be revealed to the Night Court.
"Think they made it up?"
Cedric rolled his eyes. "Nem, do you really think Rhysand has enough intelligence to create an entire language from scratch?"
"Fair enough. Though he has Amren, maybe she did it."
"Hmmm, that is more likely. I'll have to consult Azalea's notes."
"For fuck's sake why don't you marry the scientist already girl already?" Tybalt grumbled as he brought the requested notes over to his brother.
Nemesis perked up at that, no longer slouching on the chair near the lab table. Cedric just raised an eyebrow. "Why ever would I do that?"
"C'mon egghead, we all were subjected to that five-hour alchemy exchange yesterday. If you don't steal that girl away from Summer you'll die alone."
"Thanks for the encouragement, Ty." Cedric sarcastically muttered.
"That's what you get for freezing me."
"Hey! It was either that or dying! And to answer your previous question I won't be marrying Miss Azalea. We'd be a terrible match."
"Wha- did you suddenly lose your brain cells? I was thinking about that too, you'd be a perfect match."
Cedric rolled his eyes. "Okay, both of you sit down. I'll explain."
To his luck, Eris came by the lab at that moment. "Why are you-?"
"Cedric is going to tell us why he isn't wooing Azalea."
"Nemesis, stop being you for five minutes please!"
The second prince of Autumn just smirked. Typical.
Now that all four of them were here. He figured he could put this all to rest. "Alright, you all know I do appreciate Miss Ambrose and her company. She's a very intelligent beautiful, and kind woman. However, I have no interest in pursuing her romantically.
Not because she's already engaged and deeply enamored with Lord Kelani but because we'd be a disaster as a couple.
Azalea is extroverted and very social, all of you know I'm allergic to gatherings and socializing. I wouldn't dare sour that which loves by making her go alone, nor would I want to brave myself at high society for her only to come out miserable."
"That's just one thing, you could compromise."
"No Ty. It's not just that. There's also the intimacy matter. Azalea is a very touch-oriented person. She loves to hug people, give them kisses, sit near them, all of that. I loathe being touched unless I give permission. It would be cruel of me to avoid her affections or surprise kisses, still, I know she respects my boundaries and wouldn't dare do anything I didn't authorize even if she'd be saddened by it.
That thought also extends toward sexual intimacy. Azalea makes it no secret that she's had flings before and wants a large family. Meanwhile, the thought of sex disgusts me, I don't wish to ever partake in it. As for children while I wouldn't discard the idea of adopting or using the creation ritual to have them, my limit would be two. Azalea says she wants at least five. We're incompatible in that sense as well."
"Fuck that's a good point, but do you really think you'd find someone who's as in tune with you ad her? I mean, I've seen you work together, it's as if you're one. You have a good chance if you try."
"Nem I do appreciate the compliment but while our intellectual compatibility is high, In every other area Azalea and I would fall quite short.
I don't want to settle and I know that neither would she. If she's accepted Lord Kelani that means she's happy with him and their goals and love languages are compatible. And even if she hadn't agreed to marry him, I would prefer to remain friends. If I ever get a partner, I want us to have compatible goals and ways to show affection, not just settle for compatible intelligence."
"That makes sense. You should all try to be better than our parents." Nemesis told them.
Eris quickly raised an eyebrow. "What about you? Don't you want to get married?"
"I would. But I'm not going to. No one should be tied to me."
Cedric put down his notes and turned to look at him. "Nem, don't say that. You'd be an amazing husband."
"You're the smart one of the family, kid, don't spew nonsense. Half the time I can't tell what's real and what isn't, and my temper is no good either. I'm not subjecting anyone to that.
Whoever gets the power when Beron finally dies has to marry. I'm sure it won't be me, so I'm not obligated to do so."
"You have a chance of being the High Lord too."
"Ty, if I become the High Lord you have full permission to stab me. Do you want this court to end up like Spring?!"
"That's not going to happen! You'd be as good a choice as any of us!" Eris argued.
"No! No, I'm not! Even the voices have said so! You're the one who should inherit! Even Beron despite his incompetence knows it should be you!"
He noticed Tybalt was downcast as well. "The reason I lounged at you and not them, it's because I also thought it'd be you."
"I agree." It was all Cedric could say, but he did mean it.
"You all think too highly of me. Everyone does. It's..It's all fake! I'm bullshitting my way through this but the truth is I'm terrified of making a mistake, I'm terrified of you all getting hurt, I'm terrified of what being High Lord would entail.
I'm not worthy of it either! I've already failed to protect two of the people I loved most!"
Gideon and Arryn came to mind. Cedric often tried not to think of them. He'd seen Tybalt at the graves often, and Nemesis too, though the second prince preferred to speak to the portraits of them all he had in his room.
It seemed like Eris hadn't forgotten either.
With a sigh, he spoke. "Look, if father is to pass it is guaranteed that one of us shall get the power. Our cousins are all female and Lucien isn't related to father, which means someone in this room will succeed father should he die. When that happens we'll deal with it, regardless of who it is.
That blasted magic isn't a measure of worthiness. No matter what Father has said. We're all worthy and we shall remain siblings, regardless of who the magic chooses."
"It's moments like this when I forget you're the baby, ya fuckin egghead. The wisest man in the family." Nemesis said before pulling all of them into a hug.
Cedric didn't mind it this time.
The door to the lab opened again. This time it was Varian. "Sorry, am I interrupting?"
"Not at all, what do you need?"
"Tarquin is here and well..."
"Emotional support ready for combat! Let's go Eris, you be the elegant one, I get nervous when talking."
"Ty, that's all the time!"
The brunette pulled away and dragged their eldest brother with him, as they left with the prince of Summer.
Cedric went back to his notes with Nemesis as his helper. He noticed that Azalea had lent him one of Daphne's notebooks. 'Hmm, better be careful with this.'
"Something is wrong."
"The voices? Or are you seeing the shapeless beings on the corner again? Neither is real."
"Not that. Though thanks for the clarification. I mean the notebook. Those pages are bulky."
Cedric compared every notebook he'd been given. His brother was right. This one had bulky pages, almost as if two pages had been stuck together to create one.
"Think Azalea will skin me alive if I separate these?"
"Well, she messed up the shitlord and his friends but she actually cares for you, at most she might yell."
He was skeptical but still decided to carefully open one of the double pages with a scalpel. To their surprise, there were things written on it, and symbols similar to the ones on the spells the Night Court used.
"No...Oh by the Mother. Call Azalea!"
Tarquin didn't expect to see Varian upon arriving at the Autumn Court, he thought the man would avoid him instead of immediately bursting into the room followed by Eris and Tybalt.
He couldn't even speak before the man's arms were around him in a tight hug, which was uncharacteristic for the distant serious prince.
"I'm sorry! I'm so very sorry! I shouldn't have ever said those things!"
"Varian it's o-"
"No, it not! You've been like a brother to me since we were children and I threw your insecurities in your face! What I did was unforgivable! I understand if you wish for me to remain in exile."
"Varian, there's nothing you could do that I couldn't forgive," Tarquin told him as he hugged him tighter. He felt Varian relax in his arms, and could see Azalea's reflection in a mirror, giving a thumbs up to his cousin. 'Seems like those two made up as well.'
Eris and Tybalt smiled at the scene. The eldest Vanserra brother cleared his throat. "I'm so happy you've both made up. Though while I enjoy your presence, Lord Tarquin, I sadly know you're not here for a casual visit."
"You guess correctly. While I'd be happy to have Varian back home, we all have to discuss the possibility of the Night Court ignoring their ban, especially Amren."
Tarquin noticed Varian swallowed hard. He knew Cresseida and Azalea told him everything and that he'd believed them, but feelings like that didn't just disappear in a day.
"That is quite a predicament. Though if Varian wishes to remain here we could all pretend he is doing so to stay in contact with Amren. After all, she was exiled from Summer but that doesn't mean she can't come here."
It was a good plan, but he could see Varian shaking his head.
"No. Despite it all, I am done with that woman. If she comes here then I'll speak with her, obviously not telling her of what I've learned but to let her know there is nothing between us anymore."
"Are you certain this is what you want?" Azalea asked, concerned by the sudden soft tone that Varian only used when upset.
"Yes. I'm done standing by the side of someone who thinks so little of my family and wants to tear down what we've all worked so hard to build. Summer won't be bending the knee to the Night Court. Not now, not ever."
That they all could agree on. If Tarquin was to be honest he likely would've cut all ties with the Night Court after their first betrayal. After all, they too lost so much after the fall of Spring, but his cousin was in love and he knew Rhysand wouldn't leave him be until he lifted the ban. So Tarquin caved, but that was a mistake he wouldn't repeat.
Everyone was settled by the sound of the door being kicked open. Cedric Vanserra was frantically speaking while trying to catch his breath. His words made no sense to them so Eris urged him to calm down
"Breathe Ced, breathe. What's the matter?"
"Daphne...she knew...she left it all in her book. The Night Court...It's so much worse than we thought."
Tamarand could hardly contain his joy upon seeing his brother and Lucien arrive. He tackled them both in a hug and made sure to have everything ready for dinner with their moms and Clare.
He could tell Tamlin felt lighter, he was smiling all day and even had three servings of food during the dinner. He didn't even have to ask about therapy, as he told them all during their library time.
"It was nice to have a different perspective on the past and on their people. It's also calming, I feel a little less guilty."
"I'm so glad to hear that, baby!" Ophelia told him as she gave him a tight hug. Tamlin seemed as if he didn't want to let go.
"It's good that you're addressing your aches, little one. We'll all be here for you if you need to talk." Asteria spoke to him as she was organizing the bookshelf. "Maybe we can read something your family liked. It would help remember them by."
"Actually, there's something else I must do. Regarding our family members. At least one of them."
"What do you mean?" Clare asked.
"When I met with him again, Dorevan told me that Ciaran had a child with his lover. Said child resides in Summer now"
He gasped. "We have a nephew or niece?"
"It seems so. At the time I didn't ask for their name or even their gender. I didn't think I'd come back."
He winced at the reminder of Tamlin's lifeless face and his cold body. Thankfully it was only temporary.
"Well, looks like we have a new mission. We must find our new family member! I just hope they like it here."
Tamlin smiled brightly. "I'm sure they will."
Clare took notes on what places would be checked in Summer in search of Ciaran and Roxxane's child. Ophelia took the news as permission to get another room ready and furnished for a new family member, dragging Lucien along. Finally, he remained there with Tamlin and his mother, who were trying to make a sketch with the portraits provided by Tamlin. Ciaran's portrait was rigid, it was clear that he'd been told to look regal and untouchable but to him, his late brother looked tired. His long blonde hair was braided and his eyes were half closed as if he wanted to sleep, he knew why that was.
Roxanne on the other hand looked friendly. Her portrait was a miniature one that Tamlin had kept from his sibling. The frame of it was stained with blood but he wouldn't dare ask about it. He knew the woman was a courtesan, yet strangely enough despite her beauty, Tamarand could only focus on her bright eyes and joyful smile.
"I really wish I could've met them." He said.
Tamlin nodded. "Ciaran, was always high, even his beast form was avian. Still, he was far more calm and reserved than me or Dorevan. I'm almost certain if things had been different with Father he would've been the most serene out of all of us. The last time we spoke he proved that."
Asteria stopped sketching to pull Tamlin close. He let her, as he laid his head on his shoulders and closed his eyes. It was clear he felt like crying but was trying to hold back.
Tamarand placed his hand over his. "It's okay. This isn't your fault. I'm sure Ciaran was very proud his baby brother would do so well as a High Lord."
Tamlin chuckled. "He would've been very proud of you too."
That got to him. While he had accepted that he'd never meet his eldest brothers after their demise a part of him had wanted to meet and bond with them too, despite the warnings. Hearing this made him feel as if he could, even if they were gone.
"Had I known that that would be our last conversation, our last day together...Maybe I would've done more. Maybe I would've tried to connect with them sooner. Ciaran was open to the idea and in time Dorevan might've come around as well. Though perhaps if that had happened I would've grieved their demise more."
"Then it might be for the best that everything came to pass as it did. They don't blame you, Lin. None of us do."
"He's right, darling. We all still stand by you, and wish we had come to you after the tragedy."
"No, it's best that you didn't. I was losing my mind I...I only let Andras and Lucien in during that time. I was blaming myself for a long time. There are moments when I still do.
But now that I have all of you I'm healing. There'll come a day when I let it all go."
"I pray it's sooner than later. You deserve happiness, brother."
Tamlin chuckled giving Tamarand's hand a loving squeeze. "Thanks, it means a lot to me that you think that.
Just know that despite it all, I am always going to be protective of our family. I won't lose any of you. Never again."
Tamarand would hold him up to that promise.
Two days had passed since the disaster at Summer. Feyre still felt her back ache due her wings being ripped off, and her neck was also burning from that bite, thankfully her medic had fixed the area and put on bandages. For her wings, she had Emerie, who gave her ointments she herself had used after her father had hers clipped.
Rhysand was still furious. He hadn't spoken much and she didn't blame him. To him, to any Illiryan, this is the worst thing that could happen.
"I can't believe this! You're telling me Tarquin is still marrying her?! She's worse than Tamlin, maybe worse than Dorevan too!" Rhysand roared at the news their spymaster just delivered. While they were banned in Summer the shadows were able to roam there.
"That means we won't be able to take them without force. She won't let Tarquin surrender to us and from what we've seen she has influence on him.
Day is also precarious territory now since we cannot get Lucien!"
"I tried! You want to know what he said?! That if Tamlin got hurt he'd burn us all down to the last atom! I'm not going to speak to that man again!"
Elain had an ice pack on her forehead. From what she'd told her, Azalea had pulled her by the hair and hit her against the table until she nearly split her head open, stopping just one hit before the consequences were fatal.
She'd never seen her sister so mad. Not that she blamed her, she was raging too.
Cassian was sleeping again, the strain of the broken bond along with his shattered bones and burnt wings were enough to keep him perpetually exhausted. She hoped that perhaps when they healed his wings were salvageable.
Azriel was quiet but kept Elain close. He hadn't been as gravely injured as them, but still, the marks of Azalea's paws remained on his neck.
"Will you all shut up about Lucien?! This wouldn't have happened if you weren't so obsessed with Tamlin!"
She jumped at Morigan's accusation. Rhysand too was surprised but then got mad as well. "Obsession?! That man-"
"Is no longer the High Lord of Spring! He is none of our concern anymore!" Mor snapped back. "You just can't let go of what he did! You can't let go of the fact that despite everything he saved your life! So you need him gone unless he's suffering!"
"That's enough! Just whose side are you on to be defending him?!"
"Yours! But we wouldn't be agonizing over Lucien's allegiance or your injuries or taking Summer and Spring if you hadn't decided that Tamlin had to die for daring to not be miserable!"
Feyre felt a headache coming on. Her forehead felt heavy and the side of her head pulsed, causing her pain. "She's right." Was all she could say. Her voice was quiet, almost gentle but they all heard her. "We should've let Tamlin go. He's none of our concern now."
"Feyre, darling, that man hurt us both so much. He shouldn't be allowed to string Lucien along again, nor fool his naive sibling into becoming a ruler like him."
The warmth of Rhysand's hand was slightly soothing, even if her headache was getting worse by the minute. Still, Feyre couldn't be compelled to agree.
She'd seen those two dancing together, that kiss, the looks they gave one another. This was different from what she'd witnessed before and there was not a once of anger or resentment on either of them. There never had been. Like it or not, Lucien wouldn't be swayed and strangely enough she wasn't as bothered by it as she thought she'd be.
As for these new siblings of Tamlin, she couldn't deny her surprise when Azriel gave them the news. More so when instead of resentment or hatred they both seemed to adore Tamlin. They adored him enough to kill for him.
She couldn't bring herself to hate Azalea, even if she should. The woman took her wings, her mate's wings, she injured the inner circle and was the reason they were now permanently banned from Summer. Yet she didn't hold anything against her, because if someone hurt her sisters she probably would've done the same.
"Morigan is right, we should forget Tamlin and his pathetic redhead. What we need to do now is keep our allies close. If Helion is still siding with us, and we can count on Thesan that makes two courts, Autumn's situation is precarious but if any brother other than Nemesis inherits we could turn them in our favor. It'd be in our best interests that Beron remains alive yet comatose so that Eris will continue to act as High Lord and keep his deal with us. Winter is amicable towards us meaning that we only need to worry about Spring and Summer.
Lucky for us, they have no armies, It'll be easy to get them to submit."
She couldn't take anymore. Feyre felt as if her head was going to break apart. She excused herself from the room and headed to Nyx's nursery. There was a bed there for her to stay in when her baby was sick and needed her close by, but today she was the sickly one and the sight of her sleeping baby boy was the only thing to calm her.
Feyre was dozing off. Mor came by to check on her and put an extra blanket over her.
"Rest easy." She said gently as she brushed Feyre's hair away and made sure she was cozy.
Soon after Mor left the room and before she fully fell asleep Feyre felt a shadowy presence beside her. This was not one of Azriel's shadows yet she was familiar with it all the same.
"Hello, Bryaxis." She whispered as sleep claimed her and Bryaxis gently held onto her.