Crumpled Horned Plot Bunnies

A Harry Potter fanfic by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, please support the official release.

One thing that could have significantly improved Hermione as a character in the canon is if she had a rival. One who she struggled against academically in some areas. Which could lead to her thinking this rival is evil, but over time, bonds with them, learns their true nature is not evil, and gains empathy. It would have been even better if said rival was a Slytherin.

But being me, I'm also prone to playing it for laughs. So to that end...

Year 5

"It's outrageous! Simply outrageous! Honestly, it's so-so-Ooooh!"

Harry looked up from his homework as Hermione stomped into the Gryffindor Common Room. Ron was sitting next to him, reading a Marvin the Mad Muggle comic book behind his Potions textbook. Hermione was glaring cold death as she stalked up to her best friends.

"Can you believe it?! I can't believe-Grrrr!"

"Hermione, what is it?" Ron asked.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked. Strange, usually when Hermione was this mad, his sense of danger kicked in and hard. You didn't survive to your teenaged years after having constant attempts on your life at magic school without one.

Right now though, that danger sense wasn't screaming about mortal danger. Yet. It was Hermione, after all. As much as he loved her, she was dead scary.

"Daphne Greengrass!" Hermione growled.

"The blonde Slytherin?" Ron asked. "With the nice... Uh..." He coughed. "Hair?"

Yeah, she had nice hair, all right. Along with a lot of other things neither boy was going to mention in front of Hermione.

"She got better grades than me in Charms and Potions!" Hermione growled. "Can you believe it?!"

Ron went back to his comic book. Harry cleared his throat.

"Well, I'm sorry about that Hermione, but-"

"But nothing! I've been working so hard and she-she can't be better than me!" Hermione scowled. "She got the top grades in those subjects! She beat me!"

"... So?" Ron ventured. Hermione slammed her hands on the table in front of them, making them jump.

"So, she must be doing something to beat me!"

"Like... Studying?" Ron asked.

"No! I triple checked those answers, I proofread those essays, over and over-NO! There's got to be something evil going on!"

"I dunno, Hermione," Harry said, "You have been working really hard on some... Other projects..."

Hermione scowled and put her hands on her hips.

"What if Umbridge is cooking her grades?"

"Okay," Ron began slowly, as though dealing with a madwoman, "Why would she do that?"

"Because I'm Muggleborn!"

"Maybe she's just smart as well as hot?" Ron suggested. Hermione's glare of doom locked onto him, making Ron gulp.

"Are you implying I'm not hot?" She asked dangerously.

Ron froze like a deer in headlights. Harry, being a generally heroic person, decided to help his idiotic best friend out.

"Wouldn't she do that to all your grades if that was the case?" Harry ventured.

"No! No, this is just the start! She might be trying to destroy my prospects!" Hermione fumed, then her eyes widened. "Or maybe there's something else going on. Maybe she's tapped into something evil and magical!"

"She beat you in the midterms, Hermione," Harry said gently, "in two subjects. That's hardly-"

"No! No! We both know Voldemort is out, and that he's dangerous, and nefarious," Hermione declared, "There must be a connection, and we're going to find out what it is!"

"Okay," Ron said slowly, "How?"

Hermione turned her eyes onto Harry and smirked.

"Harry? Do you remember the blonde girl who asked you to the Yule Ball last year, and you turned her down immediately?"

"Blonde-Oh. Oh." Harry winced. He'd been so stressed by the tournament and by Cho and everything... "That was her?"

"Yes! So, you are going to go and apologize to her," Hermione said, leaning over the table, "And find out what's going on!"

"Because you got bad grades-"

"I didn't get bad grades, I never get bad grades, but I do want to know what's going on!" Hermione insisted.

Harry looked to Ron, who was focused on his comic and not on the disaster about to unfold before him. Bloody traitor.

He turned to Hermione, who was staring daggers.

"Do I have to-?"

"Yes."

"Fine."

Harry spotted Daphne Greengrass in the library the next day. She was studying alone, occasionally adjusting her long blonde hair and taking down notes. She seemed very focused, and beautiful, and not at all nefarious.

He really hadn't exchanged words with her before, but knowing she was the one he rejected made things a bit awkward.

Hermione pretending to not be observing them from a nearby table made things worse.

Still... He decided to press forward. He really didn't want to do it, and he felt Hermione was probably acting a bit mental (Maybe she should cut back on coffee. It was a new thing for her to drink and she had just started on it), but she was his best female friend and he owed her.

That and if he took charge of this, he could probably keep her from enacting a crazy plan like, say, drinking Polyjuice to infiltrate the Slytherin dorms.

Again.

"Excuse me," he spoke, clearing his throat. Daphne looked up, a bit startled. Her eyes were a very deep blue. Harry smiled and sat across from her.

She really was very pretty. Geez, why had he never noticed? Maybe because she never went around in Quidditch robes and oh no that wasn't helping-

"Yes?" She asked softly.

"Ah... Um..."

He had intended to open up with an apology to her for his behavior the previous year, but he was now... Nervous. Very nervous. She was narrowing her eyes, getting irritated... He opened his mouth.

"My neurotic best female friend thinks you're getting better grades than her as part of some nefarious plot."

WHY? WHY BRAIN, WHY?!

Daphne blinked. She blinked again.

"Well... That's a very original pick up line, I'll grant you that."

"Uh... It's... The truth, actually," Harry said. Daphne covered her mouth and released a small, lady like giggle. It was very cute.

"So... What, did she want you to seduce me for the information?" Daphne teased back. Harry flushed deeply.

"Er, uh, well, the plan was for me to apologize for rejecting you out right last year. Sorry about that."

"Oh," Daphne said with a slow nod. She smirked. "Then, you're not going to seduce me?"

Harry again felt like his cheeks would melt off his face.

"I-I mean... I can try? I don't think I'm very good at this."

Daphne shook her head.

"Well... You're off to a rough start, but keep talking. I'm no expert either. Maybe... We could learn together?"

"Bwah?" Harry managed, as Daphne giggled again.

"You're quite cute when you blush."

"Well, uh, I just thought it would... You know... Take more effort than this."

"Well," Daphne hummed, pressing a finger to her chin, "I could put you through the ringer or... We could..." She leaned in across the table a bit, smiling warmly, "Just skip that part?"

Harry found himself leaning in too.

"I uh... I'm all for skipping that part."

Daphne lowered her voice.

"I can see Granger is watching us from behind the bookshelves. She's really that hung up over me getting better grades than her?"

"Just a bit," Harry murmured back. Daphne beamed... Leaned in, and then kissed his cheek.

From the muffled squawk nearby, Harry could guess the angle Hermione was watching from. It would make it look like Daphne had kissed him on the lips. The thought made his face burn even hotter.

"Should... I do anything?" Harry mumbled.

"You could ask me out on a date to Hogsmeade," Daphne suggested. "Learn all about my evil plot and how I love Charms and Potions and study really hard in them."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"To, what, torture Hermione?" Harry asked, frowning. Daphne shook her head.

"Let's be honest... She's really doing this to herself. And you're the kind of boy I'm willing to give a second chance." She smirked.

"Besides... You have to admit... She can be adorable when she's spazzing out like this."

"You don't have to live with her."

"Then consider the date something to make the pain less intense," she said with a beam. Harry nodded.

"Right. This weekend sound good?"

"Lovely. Meet you at the front doors at 8?"

"Sounds good."

Daphne again leaned over, kissed his other cheek, and headed off. Hermione waited for her to leave the library, before she ran over to Harry.

"Harry? Harry! What did you find out?"

"Um... We have a date this Saturday?" Harry ventured, "Where I'll try to find out more."

Hermione scowled.

"I see... It can't be helped, I suppose. But we'll figure it out... And stop smiling like an idiot, will you?"

"Trying."

Trying, and failing.

Because Hermione being neurotic has some laugh potential. I love her, but man, she needed to be taken down a peg or two so her status as Rowling's Self Insert could be more debatable.