Winter's daylight didn't shine into the room until late in the morning, and as the light entered through the windows, making L's eyes flutter, he squinted at the light and noticed the small alarm clock on Meredith's bedside table indicating the time.
Ten in the morning. Not the latest time to get out of bed for L, but certainly the healthiest sleeping schedule to date for him, as he couldn't remember when he went to bed the day before—possibly close to midnight. For L, it was unusually rare to sleep for long hours. He never thought he would. He never thought he could.
Maybe Watari was right, he did need more rest during the holidays. To let the mind reset.
But resting is boring, most of the time.
He ruffled his hair after sitting up in bed and surveyed the room. The bedroom was quiet, with the curtains half drawn, allowing daylight to shine in. Slowly, consciousness crept back as he remembered he was in Meredith's bedroom and wondered how he ended up sleeping in her bed instead of the sleeping bag on the carpet. When he was fully awake, he then noticed that beside him, Meredith's duvet was neatly folded, and she was nowhere in sight.
L scooted to the end of the bed and cracked the door open. As he did, the bustling noise of the orphanage streamed in, with the sound of children running, footsteps thumping on the wooden corridor, and chatter about Christmas activities. All the children were present, given the holiday season, and the house was alive with preparations.
Distance was the only thing he felt, himself being far, far away from the bustle, the happiness, and the excitement of others. He was unable to access those feelings. It wasn't that they didn't exist, so he couldn't access them; he did believe in those positive emotions, even after witnessing so much negativity during work and his life. Rather, it was he who couldn't perceive those emotions. He was a machine when he was working, able to work tirelessly without eating, sleeping or drinking. But outside of work, standing in the crowd, amidst all the hustle and bustle, watching others laugh, cry, and get angry, most of the time, he felt nothing. L was well aware that his inability to understand human emotions and hearts set him apart from others, making him not quite human. He was the one who wasn't human, which in turn made him feel like a monster.
L closed the door with a soft click. To L, it was just another holiday when Watari would clear out the schedule and take a break, making it the same as any other day in the year, with only the meals being a bit different. Festive food? Different in shape and taste from the normal meals and sweets he ate on an everyday basis. Festive activities? Not something he was particularly interested in participating in—more likely to observe passively. Counting down for Christmas with an advent calendar? He'd consume all the chocolates when he needed a sugar boost, not particularly bothered with how to use the calendar.
Meri must have gone out to participate in the preparations, L thought, as he reached for his bag resting on the low cabinet beside the bookshelf. With her not present, he didn't feel any desire or need to leave the room and engage in other activities aside from work. He pulled out his laptop and power cable, walked to Meredith's desk, cleared her textbooks and compositions, and settled his device there. He would have to wait for her to return to come up with something else to do, and currently, he didn't want to wander around the institution trying to find her. Exposing himself to others didn't seem appealing to him in any way.
Sitting on Meredith's chair, the knock on the door did not distract him from preparing to start working, and he responded with a short "come in" while pulling his knees up.
"You're up." Watari walked in, holding a tray with a plate of three scones and jam, with a pot of tea. "I checked on you around eight when I saw Meri in the dining room having breakfast alone."
As soon as Watari placed breakfast on the desk, he instantly reached for a scone and stuffed it in. "I got up at ten," he replied with his mouth full. "Where's Meri?"
"Meri went out with the others to buy trinkets for the younger children. Some girls also proposed gift exchanging using their pocket money, I assume that she agreed on the idea and went out to buy some," Watari replied while pouring L a cup of tea. "Do you want a dash of milk?"
L nodded and watched Watari put some milk in his tea. "Didn't hear her mention about that yesterday." Never knew she would gift exchange with others.
Watari sliced the scones in half and smeared some jam. "Well, she did participate in gift exchanges last year, but we were back on Christmas Eve. She had already finished shopping with the others by then, I suppose."
L sipped his tea. They had indeed returned to Wammy's House a bit earlier than usual, but he couldn't recall her exchanging gifts with others when he still lived there. It must be a recent development. Was there really a need for all that when he was here? He had come back to Wammy's House mostly because of her, to see her. Otherwise, there was almost no need to return, as all his case files and everything he needed were transferred to his current location. Time was precious, and he was essentially clearing out his schedule for her, which was the greatest concession he could make.
…Or perhaps he shouldn't think like this. It might not be all about him. Watari was also deeply attached to the institution. Watari would…miss her. Maybe. L wasn't sure, but he knew well that the initial thought was something he should keep to himself—too selfish and potentially hurtful to her.
The current feeling was new, and L couldn't quite define it. There was a hint of regret for not waking up earlier and going out with her, and he felt a bit...down, he supposed. Even though he didn't always know what to talk to Meredith about or what activities they could engage in during their free time (as most of the time, she was the one who came up with something fun to do), L felt the need and desire for her to stay with him for a bit longer. When he was spending time here, for the holidays. At least make the most of it spending with her.
"What are your plans for today?" Watari pulled over a piano bench and sat beside L.
"Have a preview of the cases submitted before Christmas. Crimes don't take Christmas breaks," replied L after he finished the last chew of his first scone. Reaching for the jam-smeared scones, L dipped his second scone directly into the bowl of jam that Watari provided, and stuffed the whole pastry into his mouth.
Two days before Christmas.
Documents and papers were piled up on Meredith's desk, but the case files didn't hold L's interest today, not as much as the Jenga blocks he had played with Meredith on the second day after his return. Despite his lack of motivation today, he nonetheless managed to solve some cases.
For the last case, L pinned down the suspect's current hideout and instructed the investigator to ambush at a certain location.
"Act immediately," stated L in a cold and calm tone on the phone, sending shivers to the head investigator, who promptly moved into action. In the background of the call, another woman's voice started to yell at the man over the phone.
"GODDAMNIT, RICHARD, IT'S CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS! YOU WON'T LEAVE THE CASE ALONE, WILL YOU?! WHAT ABOUT DINNER- "
But it was none of L's business. "Good luck, Mr. Fayeman."
L paused for a moment and added, "…and merry Christmas to you," before swiftly hanging up.
The desk was filled with candy cane wrappers that he tore off, with him playing and twirling the last one, until it went flying toward the other side of the room and landing on the floor after hitting the walls.
L stared in the direction where the candy cane had landed.
It was the fifth day he had been sleeping and working in Meredith's bedroom. Initially, Watari had informed him that Meredith was busy shopping with the girls, choosing trinkets for children under age 12, and assisting with various tasks. The time period of her absence in the room was longer than expected, so he decided to work on the cases to pass the time and distract himself from constantly wanting to catch a glimpse of the door, anticipating Meredith's return.
Shopping for trinkets couldn't take that long, could it? He never understood the need for wandering aimlessly without a clear objective. Yet, her absence turned out to be much longer than he had anticipated. During meal times, she didn't talk much and returned to the bedroom late, heading straight to the bath after gathering her things. They would still briefly discuss what they had been doing during the day, have a quick game of Chinese checkers, and then go to bed. L would continue to work in silence.
At first, he didn't give it much thought, assuming she was preoccupied with Christmas tasks. But when it was a different excuse of being busy, tasks, and always in a hurry. Every. Single. Damn. Time. He started thinking it was suspicious.
L wanted to ask Meredith, but she would come and go in a hurry, giving him no chance to inquire. Solving the cases at hand became a distraction from noticing her distance, even though they were supposed to be put on hold for the holidays. In the process, he ended up finishing almost all of them, inadvertently burdening the investigation teams and forces with extra work.
The creak on the door made him turn, and Watari entered with tea. It was then L realized it was already in the afternoon, and he hadn't seen Meredith around since he woke up. Recently she also woke up earlier than him, or maybe it was him sleeping in too late.
Watari glanced at the laptop screen and case files that were on the desk. The handler knew immediately that the detective was "exploiting" the investigators that worked with him, again.
"Was there a need for making them work extra hours even though you know that the case was not so urgent?" Watari inquired while serving tea and dessert, and clearing out the candy wrappers.
"I was bored."
"You could go out with Meredith."
"She didn't invite me."
L took a look at the served dessert: cupcakes topped with festive decorations. He didn't feel like eating them. Boredom was much more of a pain in the head for him than hunger.
A few months before, he could ask her anything and go out with her without a second thought. But now, with so much left to figure out and her abnormal responses to him, he realized there was much more hesitation when it came to interacting with Meredith. What was he concerned about? How she saw him? Whether his request was polite or not, whether it would hurt her or not.
"You could ask her, tell her that you want to go with her. You've always been unhesitant when it comes to expressing your questions directly. It's an advantage of your personality when used appropriately."
L gazed at Watari and didn't respond. New feelings and emotions were crawling all over him as he quietly tried to immerse himself in his current state of mind. He should be fine with her absence, just like when he was at his place, just with Watari.
But no. L wasn't sure if it was the break from routine that bothered him or if it was because he was already at Wammy's House, prepared to devote his time and energy to her, and she didn't respond in kind. He felt a need and desire to have her time solely for him.
It was a selfish thought, and he was quite astonished that he had thought of it unwillingly, but he couldn't control it. L bit his thumbnails and pondered Watari's words. If he already sensed a hint of distance from her, it made asking her directly about the reason and asking her to spend time with him a challenge that needed courage.
Why is she more unpredictable than a criminal case? L frowned. He hated anything for which he had no idea where to find answers and no control.
Why couldn't she just stay with me for the holidays like before?
Meredith sighed gently.
The time she spent with L this holiday drastically declined, compared to previous breaks when Watari and L returned. The fuzzy feeling and thrill of seeing him diminished in proportion to the time spent with him.
Good. By doing so, she might gradually rub away that feeling. Then she could return to normal, back to her old self and the comfortable relationship with L.
The trinkets were neatly packed in her hands, with a ribbon and golden wrapping that couldn't be seen through, creating a mysterious package. She remembered when Watari was in charge; he could memorize every child's favorite things, interests, and needs. He had given her a fountain pen set and a cushion for L for long periods in front of the computer.
This year's Christmas small gifts and trinkets were chosen by teenagers on behalf of the institution's managers. Aside from classic Christmas trinkets, the main gift was a mini Lego set, capable of combining into a larger piece with other sets, accompanied by candies and chocolates. Roger didn't prefer to gift toys to individual children, but was willing to spend money on more games and toys for the gaming room, accessible to everyone interested. However, this Christmas, Watari was in the institution earlier than the previous year, so it will go his way, but adjusted slightly.
Roger Ruvie and Quillsh Wammy had different styles of running the orphanage, but Meredith wasn't affected by it much when he handed the institution to Roger.
She just missed Watari and L. In this world, they would be the only ones related to her.
"Why are you sighing?"
Meredith turned to the voice—Adam.
"Nothing—just slightly tired, that's all."
"Packing trinkets is quite tiring, especially with so many." Adam pulled a seat and sat beside her. The other girls had gone for another round of shopping and wandering in downtown. Meredith decided to wrap the remaining trinkets for them.
"Yes, but don't you think packing them delicately is great?" She smiled and lifted one of the packages close to her face to show Adam. Golden packaging with a red ribbon neatly tied, with "Merry Christmas" written in cursive on the package. Watari and Roger would use a marker to write the names of the receivers on the packages later.
"…yeah. Those who receive it would be thrilled."
"Are you still able to receive stocking presents?" she inquired. Come to think of it, she hadn't asked Adam how old he precisely was. Children under 12 were able to receive stocking gifts, and older children could write wish lists. As long as the gifts weren't too extravagant, they would receive what they wanted on Christmas.
"No. I've decided on my Christmas present wish list," replied Adam sheepishly, one of the few occasions she had observed him smile like an actual child, unlike his normal stoic expression.
"Good, or else you'll receive my badly wrapped trinkets," chuckled Meredith, as she failed to wrap one in the same way and decided to undo it and try again.
"You're doing fine," Adam replied.
"Really?"
But Adam's tone seemed to refer to something else. "I mean, try to maintain everything in the normal state. As it should be. It's slowing down—"
Meredith was more puzzled. "What is slowing down?"
"Nothing." Adam looked away. And for the rest of the day, no matter how she tried to make him explain, Adam wouldn't budge.
Three hours and twenty-one minutes.
Or, to be more precise: three hours, twenty-one minutes, and thirty-four seconds. Counting from the moment he had opened his eyes today, until now - bedtime. This was the time she had talked and spent with him. L did not know why he could recall the time so precisely, as if his mind had split into two, with one part constantly and unconsciously observing and waiting for Meredith.
He gazed at Meredith's peaceful face as she slept. This time, L wasn't the first one to fall asleep. Sleepiness still affected him, inducing more drowsiness than usual at Wammy's House. Yet, he wanted to stay awake a bit longer, to watch her in the quiet a bit more. The girl sleeping next to him was a silent sleeper—no snoring like Watari, not even the sound of heavy breathing. Just pure silence, making L wonder if she was breathing at all. He moved his finger close to her philtrum to check and confirm that she was indeed breathing.
He had hoped to explore the feelings he had been puzzled about regarding her, but Meredith seemed occupied with her tasks, denying him that opportunity.
And of course, now was not the time.
He continued to gaze at the girl sleeping beside him. The window curtains were not drawn, and as the clouds revealed the moon, moonlight streamed in and dimly lit up the bedroom, lit up her face. Her skin was like moonlight—a cold tone with a gentle glow, like a yellow-ish cream. L couldn't resist slightly stretching out his hand and gently pulling the strands away from her face.
L paused and tried to figure out what he was currently feeling. With each touch, he felt his heart skipped a beat. It kind of hurt, but more so, it was driving him insane. Insane may not be a precise word to describe what L was feeling, but there was no other explanation for him wanting to touch her again, more, and draw closer to her.
He moved closer and sniffed the scent from her. The faint scent of lavender, probably from her shampoo.
He came to like it. Maybe a bit closer.
Closer.
Closer.
Closer…Stop.
L froze. Every strand of her eyelashes, every hair of her eyebrow, every pore on her skin, was within his sight. He was inches away from her. The realization of how close he was to her quickened his heartbeat, accelerating with every beat. He quickly pulled back and settled back into the center of his pillow. The pace of his heartbeat, combined with the familiar feeling from when they danced, didn't dissipate as fast as he thought; it lingered for quite a while before finally subsiding and resuming to normal.
Then, he heard a soft, muffled sound coming from her, but he couldn't decipher what it was. He feared that it was his movement that woke her up. There was a slight shift from her, and then she returned to stillness.
A small twinkle emerged at the inner corner of her eye, soon disappearing.
Bad dreams? L wondered. He never heard her talk about nightmares before, only the goofy ones she would share with him. Like flying above the cloud by flapping her arms, or jumping into a pond and floating in space. Not once she mention about nightmares.
He wondered what she was dreaming about, what she had seen in her dreams. She had once told him that dreams contributed to healthy sleep, though he had mentioned that his insomnia resulted from past nightmares. It had gotten better as he grew older, but the habit of short periods of sleep continued to this day.
Watari's words came to his mind. Ask her. Tell her. He should have asked her instead of waiting for her to talk about it. At least an attempt, or a sign for her, to express that he wanted to know more and that…he cared, explicitly. Whether it was the things she told him or the thoughts she concealed in her mind.
Meredith was sleeping in a fetal position, but maybe more crouched than earlier. With another shift, she nudged closer to L, at the same time clenched his right arm.
Bewildered, but L didn't make a sound. Lying on one side, he continued to observe her.
"…don't…"
The mutter was not audible for L to decipher, but he felt her grip slightly tighten. Another teardrop seeped from the corner of her eye. Has she been sleeping like this all the time, or was it just occasionally? There were still so many things that he couldn't understand about her, about why she seemed to avoid him in the daytime, about why she didn't talk with him about the secrets that lay beneath her mind, but they seemed to be jutting out.
Just ask her. But…how? How to express emotions when he himself doesn't understand the human mind and emotions, especially when he couldn't figure out what he was encountering in the first place?
All L knew for now was that he wanted to grasp her emotions. As he gently wiped away the teardrop with his free hand, he realized how eager he was to understand someone else's feelings, to have complete access to her thoughts and emotions.
How desperately he wished, the monster that he considered himself to be, to be human when it came to her.
His heart ached once more as he realized that his struggle and eagerness to understand her emotions might not be known to her. This disparity was the source of his first feeling of loneliness in the passing days.
Just tell her. "It's okay to have secrets," he muttered, his voice barely audible. Someday she might tell him. He just had to always be prepared to listen, that's all.
"I wish I were the one you felt comfortable enough to stop hiding from."
It was late at night. Following a hearty Christmas dinner, Roger Ruvie waited a bit longer than usual, allowing the children to play in the common room for an extended period. Once they had settled into bed after his rounds of patrolling and checking every dorm and bedroom, he finally had a moment to sit by the fireplace.
Quillsh Wammy had already poured them both a glass of brandy and set up a chess game to enjoy.
Some moments later, Watari declared his victory.
"Checkmate."
"You won," Roger raised his hands, as if surrendering. With Watari's small chuckle, they started to gather the chess pieces. "Still the best chess player in MI6, eh?"
"That was a long time ago. I believe that there must be someone who would play better than me."
"I doubt it. Haven't seen anyone better than you," Roger took a gulp of brandy from his glass, "maybe L?"
Watari chuckled again, "No, he hasn't beaten me in chess, yet. I wouldn't challenge him for other games though."
"Busy with Christmas, I haven't asked you about how work is going." Roger cleared the table and poured some more brandy into Watari's empty glass. They clinked their glasses and respectively took another gulp.
"You can start first. Maybe talk about the two boys that wrecked the supercomputer."
"Bah, young boys are the same. But I have to admit, the two really are little troublemakers. Not only the supercomputer, they tend to try to break into every locked room."
Watari smirked. Interesting. "What are their names?"
"Mello and Matt. Bright boys they are. Matt is older, but there is no sign of him behaving more than young Mello," sighed Roger.
"It's not your first time encountering little troublemakers, Roger. You'll manage."
"Easy for you to say, Quillsh."
The fireplace crackled and popped, emanating a radiant golden flame. The two men sat in armchairs, amidst toys left scattered on the carpet by the children.
"Your turn," said Roger.
"Ah, yes. Los Angeles. I introduced K to work with Professor Nikaido. They'll be attending the annual AAI conference."
"Still not at ease about K?"
"Besides being calm and reserved, she can be ruthless at times. I hope Nikaido could handle her."
"I thought you were especially concerned because she was one of the few female graduates."
"Ha. Maybe. I suppose I do have a soft spot for girls."
"Gender favoritism, huh? You didn't worry about F as much," shrugged Roger.
"I am proud of him too. I taught him almost everything I know about espionage and marksmanship. If I were to compete with him at a shooting range, I might not have the confidence to beat him."
"You're just being humble. You know well that F still has a long way to go."
"Ha. We'll see. I read the letter you forwarded me. Nice to know about F doing fine in Romania. Maybe next time I should go there and visit him."
"You won't. One L is enough to keep you busy 24/7. I am surprised that you planned to go to LA even if it's straight after Christmas."
Watari smiled. Roger surely was the one that understood him the most. "Favoritism or not, interpret it as you wish."
Mentioning L made Watari wonder about the recent changes he had noticed. It wasn't that L didn't change, but rather how he had changed that concerned Watari. L asking more about human emotions made Watari wonder if something else was happening in the teen's mind. It might be that Meri was rubbing off on L, which was a good sign and what Watari wanted to happen, but happening now after all those years? It was quite unusual.
Compared to L's recent unusual behavior, Meri seemed rather normal. The last time she didn't see them off, but it was reasonable; after all, Roger informed him that Meri didn't show any abnormal behavior after that day. She went to school on time, came back on time, minded her own business in her room, and engaged in the everyday activities of Wammy's House.
Maybe the recent investigation has taken a toll on L, Watari thought. Too many cases involving the human mind and emotions. Perhaps assigning some finance-related cases would help alleviate the strain on him...
"But speaking of L," Watari hesitated, his gaze flicking towards the closed door of the common area, making sure that no other children were in the same space when he was talking about L. "Sometimes I feel quite powerless when it comes to teens."
Roger arched an eyebrow. "In what way?"
"There's something unusual—might just be me overthinking. I remember feeling puzzled when F was his age too. Unusual requests and behaviors—teens do really have this in common."
"You're referring to him asking to sleep in the Japanese girl's room?"
"Not that it's 'unusually' unusual, just that it's the first time." Watari pulled off his glasses and took out a silk handkerchief from his chest pocket to wipe them clean from specks.
"Everything has first times, Quillsh. We're still learning, as children always surprise us," replied Roger casually. He didn't find it "strange" for L to make such a request. Unusual children have unusual requests.
Roger's reply amused Watari. "I suppose you're getting a hang of children, don't you, Roger?"
"I have a great tutor," snorted Roger, while taking another gulp.
Watari leaned back in the armchair and stared at the flames in the fireplace. "Most of the time, I consider the boy to be quite solitary, and Meri just being around. Positive impact I was expecting, maybe rubbing some human emotions and empathy on him. For so long and so many years, it was nice to see them as companions. At least that was the only time I saw the boy being…well, normal and humane, I suppose. Like a normal genius. Quite a strange description, but I couldn't find anything that could depict it better. You haven't seen him during work, have you, Roger?"
"Nope."
"Bold and drastic measures, mostly clever. Sometimes to put into words quite cruel and… cunning, I should say. Might lead him to a dead end."
"Sounds like K."
"Much more ruthless than K, but also very skillful. Skillfully bold. K would go to the extreme, but L has some standards. His deductions and measures were meticulously calculated. And of course, showcasing his power and intelligence. The boy hates to lose, you know that."
"Childish. Admitting defeat is also maturity,"
"I doubt he would ever do that," chuckled Watari, "considering he rarely encounters defeat or challenge—"
Watari paused. There were some incidents when Meri did, in fact, beat L on some occasions… but not much, and mostly in fields that L was totally unfamiliar with. Mostly trivial things, Watari considered, but come to think about it, those were the only times that he witnessed L not having a tantrum over defeat. Perhaps Meri did, in fact, rub off on L.
"You're thinking about Meredith?" Roger stared at Watari. It was an easy guess for him.
"Ah, yes. Sometimes she also surprises me on certain occasions. I must admit that she certainly is bright, but perhaps a bit too obedient compared to her peers."
"As if she was fawning?"
Watari nodded. "Yes. Not sure if it was the past affecting her, but as far as I know, nothing else could have been the cause."
Roger paused his liquor swirling. "Is that why you didn't consider her as L's successor?"
"Not really. I discovered this trait after the decision of not letting her be in line as a successor. Gender favoritism is more likely," smiled Watari, while Roger replied with a dry cough.
"I always thought Meredith might be your secret love child, as you seem overprotective towards her."
Watari raised his eyebrow in amusement. "Do I?"
"Yeah. Like taking her to the shooting range, letting her meet with L, letting her enroll in a Japanese high school."
"Ah. Roger. That's not overprotective. That's just deciding what's best for her."
"Favoritism," concluded Roger shortly. "Maybe the last one toward whom you still express your doting before L."
Watari wryly smiled. Roger wasn't wrong; in fact, after Roger joined in running the orphanage, he focused on those who were brought in by him and let Roger look after the others. Only a few had been taken care of by him, and many, like K and F, were graduating. Soon, the younger children would not have any contact with him, except knowing that "Wammy" was the person who established the orphanage, but they might not recognize the man even if Watari was standing before them.
"I just love her smile. The first time I saw her genuine smile, it reminded me of the pink and fluttering 'hanafubuki' scene."
Roger did not understand the term. "Which is?"
"Sakura petals falling like a snowstorm. A stunning sight to see, Roger. Spring in Japan, cherry blossoms blooming everywhere, I am rather fond of it. Perhaps we could take a trip to Japan in the springtime after we retire," said Watari while rubbing his chin, reminiscing about the scene.
"I doubt that you'll retire, Quill. You couldn't even take a break after leaving MI6. You're the kind that would work until you're forced to lay in peace in the coffin."
"Ha. Perhaps so. But I doubt that I could carry on with such workload much longer. Maybe another ten years I'm out of this."
"And expecting L to be able to take care of himself after ten years?"
"After ten years he'll be 27. I'm expecting at least some extent of self-management."
"Then you can't spoil him like you do now, Quillsh. Time to make him learn how to take care of himself."
Watari raised his glass and toasted him, "I'll mark your words, Roger."
The trip to Los Angeles required Watari and L to leave England right after Christmas, leaving them no time to stay for New Year's.
And no time for L to analyze why she seemed so distant.
Meredith saw them off, at least it was for Watari. Standing in front of L, she was engaging in a conversation with Watari.
L didn't pay much attention to what they were saying, but continued to stare at her.
She was still the same person he had known for years, and L never anticipated that one day he would feel so... unable to reach her, fearful of touching her, as if his personality had suddenly changed overnight. The distance seemed to stretch between him and where Meredith was standing. Farther and farther.
Was it because he had done something wrong or had offended her?
Just ask her.
Was it because Watari and him leaving so soon?
Just ask her.
Not much conversation was needed when Meredith was in his room during his time here. They would sit quietly, each engaged in their own activities - him minding his business, her absorbed in her book or participating in shared activities. Such level of companion was enough for him.
The thought of her leaving or drifting away hadn't crossed his mind. Even when he moved out, they were still close; everything, except not sharing the same house, remained the same. Or so L thought. It was the first time he realized that she might also be distant, and he might lose her. Not in the 'having her and losing her' way, but more like... paths diverging.
It seemed like it was happening.
And it was too fast. He needed to buy more time, just a bit longer, for her to stay by his side, to maintain their camaraderie a bit longer, at least until he was prepared to face the day he had to let her go and live her life - a life he might not be able to participate in. Would he still be someone close to her when their paths diverged? Would she know that he does care, maybe more than she thinks? Everything she did was etched in his mind, and he appreciated it.
Just tell her.
But how? How could he express it in a way that wouldn't be awkward, a way that he considered himself capable of? How do people convey to others that they care about their thoughts and feelings? What he had previously done was evidently not enough for her to know that he cared. At least, that's what L thought.
"Have a safe flight," Meredith hugged Watari, while the man patted her back as if patting his daughter.
The books. The books that Watari borrowed, conveying thoughts and affection… L remembered reading them—urgh, so mushy. Some even made him want to vomit. Not his style, and certainly not suitable for them, especially in his relationship with Meredith. How could he put the words into the right sentences without sounding creepy? None of the books had the perfect answer to the questions swirling in his mind; none of them could adequately address the problems he was facing with Meredith.
"Behave and listen to Roger. I know you will, my dear. We'll return in mid-January, keep an eye on the text messages. Have fun at school," said Watari. He then added, "anything you want to say to L, Meri?" while Meredith shook her head and parted.
L could see her pupils seeping hesitation and starting to drift away from him. Why? And how should he tell her that he does care about what she thinks about him and why she was distancing without being strange or creepy?
"Safe flight, L," Meredith said, remaining in her spot, refraining from hugging him as she did with Watari.
Hug. L remembered the first time she hugged him when she saw Watari and him off, and how it lingered in his mind for days. Weeks. Months. Or maybe forever.
Just tell her.
"Let's go, L."
L clenched his fists. Screw it. Screw all what I read. I will do what I think is suitable for us. Play it by the ear.
With a step forward, he pulled Meredith into his arms.
It not only startled Meredith but also caught Watari's attention, her eyes meeting Watari's raised eyebrows over L's shoulders, equally surprised by the sight.
L pursed his lower lip, unsure whether to continue, before tightening his hug.
"Promise me to…Promise me you'll see me off every time, no matter what."
AN:
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