Author's note: Massive thank you and shout-out to JNES on A03 for kindly and graciously agreeing to do a quick QC on the first half of this chapter, and providing valuable character advice.

Grommille, thank you so much for the review and the follow!

Stricken

by Jungian Excuse

- Two -

Walking to class the next day, Asuka had never experienced such a turmoil of emotions, except perhaps in her very first real, non-simulated synchronization in the entry plug of her Unit 02. Feelings and thoughts rolled and tumbled around each other inside her like a pack of fighting dogs. It was starting to make Asuka physically queasy, so with a great mental effort, she blocked them out. On reaching the door to Class 2-A, Asuka took a deep breath, put on her best 'leave-me-alone' face, and strode in through the door.

The Three Stooges were in their favored corner as usual. Shinji and Kensuke were arguing about something, and by the look on Toji's face, there were good odds it was the umpteenth repeat of their squabble about Kensuke wanting Shinji to talk to Misato or commander Ikari about Kensuke becoming an Eva pilot. Kensuke should really consider calling NERV and asking to book a room with one of those things – or a cage, as the case may be - and get whatever it was he had out of his system. Definitely not with Asuka's Unit 02, though. She'd jump back into that volcano.

She caught Toji's eye over the tops of their heads. The corner of his mouth turned up ever-so-slightly, and he gave her an almost imperceptible nod before his face dropped back into a mask of bored frustration. So he was going to play this cool, then. That was more than fine with her. She'd been vaguely worried he was going to try and play matchmaker, or make her his special project, or something desperately corny like that. She should have known better; he'd made his feelings about her situation pretty clear, and besides, he had a reputation of his own to uphold. It was nice to have at least one ally though, however unlikely.

Hikari had given her a shy, hesitant half-wave as she walked in, which Asuka returned, but other than her and Toji, nobody had so much as looked in her direction as she walked in. They knew there was little point in paying Asuka any attention these days, and that suited Asuka just fine. Her head and heart were too full of Rei to leave room for much else.

Though it was dangerously close to the second warning bell, the feted Miss Ayanami had yet to put in her appearance. Asuka made her way to her new desk, across the aisle from Rei's and a row behind. She'd gotten the transfer by feeding Hikari some line about the afternoon glare on her laptop screen at her old desk making it hard to learn her kanji. She probably could have gotten a seat right next to her if she'd made an excuse about Eva pilots needing to be closer together for group cohesion or something like that. But then the class representative probably would have dragged Shinji over there with them, which was the absolute last thing Asuka wanted, and it would have been suspicious if she'd objected. So she settled for observing the object of her heart's desire in one-quarter profile. Besides, this way she could watch her and daydream about her without making it obvious that was what she was doing. And so she had been daydreaming her days away.

Asuka sat with her chin resting on her hand, letting the background racket of Class 2-A wash over her and waiting for Rei to show up, and she mused to herself on how all this had come about.

It had probably started after the night she'd kissed Shinji. Asuka had thought a lot about her reaction to the kiss. True, it had been mainly embarrassment and humiliation that made her act the way she had, but later on she'd admitted to herself that there was more to it than that. Physically, Shinji was kind of attractive, she supposed. He didn't light anything like the burning fire inside her that Kaji did, but he was cute. Emotionally, though, she felt nothing. Not for him, or, when she really thought about it, for any boy she'd been with. Even Kaji, when she thought of him and his obvious masculine attractiveness – well, that was all she thought of. There were no dreams of marriage, settling down, having kids, or any of that stuff. There certainly were no fantasies of them growing old together and spending their twilight years looking at sunsets or some cornball shit like that.

Asuka didn't know what to make of it all, and up until that point in her life, she'd never really given it any thought. Due to her past trauma, she wasn't much given to deep introspection and spent most of her life doing things on the spur of the moment and reacting to whatever happened around her.

Then one day she'd been on washing-up duty with Hikari. As so often happened, Hikari had been burbling happily away about something or other, with Asuka only half-listening. Asuka just so happened to turn her head to say something right at the moment the sun broke through the clouds outside and came streaming in through the window. There was something about the way Hikari was smiling just then, her flowery apron, and how the afternoon sun filtering through the dusty window fell across her face and gave her hair a soft glow that made Asuka forget whatever pithy bon mot was on the tip of her tongue. She had a lightning flash of a vision of Hikari in ten years at her own kitchen sink, wearing the same apron. And of Asuka herself behind her, in her favorite yellow dress, her arms wrapped around Hikari's waist and her head resting lovingly on her shoulder.

The idea and the feelings it conjured up in her had disturbed Asuka greatly, and for the next two weeks she'd avoided Hikari as much as possible. But just as you can't un-bake a cake, that moment awakened in Asuka a curiosity that just wouldn't be denied.

It cast all her female friends and her interactions with them in a brand new light. The way she felt when she was near them, or when one of them hugged her or touched her on the knee or arm. It was there that she discovered what was missing in her interactions with boys: an electric tingle and a quickening of her pulse that came with closeness and skin contact. But there was no real stirring in her loins, like there was with Kaji and the older boys, which made things all the more confusing for poor Asuka.

She was desperate to know what kissing another girl felt like, but of course that was out of the question with her school friends. That didn't stop her imagination from running wild on it, though. In fact, her imagination ran on it so wildly and so often that it started to become a problem, which led to Asuka spending a lot of her off-time downtown, hanging around seedy arcades where she knew older girls from schools in other districts who had a reputation for being 'that way' also hung out.

One girl in particular, Seo Yoon, took an immediate liking to Asuka. She was half-Korean, and despite being only 16, she was tall - almost a head taller than Misato - with shoulder-length dark hair that framed her soft, round face. She had tattoos, she smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol, and she didn't seem to have a home or parents. She lived on friends' sofas and futons, she'd told Asuka once, and occasionally in their beds.

They hadn't known each other long before hints were dropped. Asuka reciprocated, and she found herself in a courtyard out the back of a video arcade with Seo Yoon pinning her against a wall.

Asuka's heart was pounding before the other girl's face even got close, and she could feel a familiar warmth spreading out from her stomach as she closed her eyes, and Seo Yoon pressed her lips to Asuka's.

The heat only got more intense as her tongue probed Asuka's mouth, parting her teeth and seeking out Asuka's own tongue. Nothing like as hot as when she was hanging off Kaji's arm, but it was there alright. Asuka made a soft, keening noise in her throat as she melted into the kiss.

Then she felt Seo Yoon's hand run along her stomach, her fingers seeking out the hem of Asuka's blouse. Asuka panicked. She slapped her hand away, slipped under her arm, and backed away from her.

Seo Yoon stood back, panting and looking frustrated. "What's the matter, kid? You were all hot for it a second ago."

Asuka dropped her eyes and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.

For a moment, Seo Yoon looked like she might get angry, then she scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Forget it. Get lost, kid." She waved Asuka away and turned to go back inside. "Fucking tourists," she heard her mutter as she walked off.

Asuka felt dirty. She also felt guilty for leading Seo Yoon on like that, though she truly hadn't set out to do so. But at least she had her answer.

Asuka wasn't exactly sure how Rei had become the focus of her attention and all these new feelings. She figured it had its beginning in Rei being her main rival after Shinji in being an Eva pilot, and the remnants of some vague former notion of also being a rival for Shinji's attention and affections, back when Asuka's need to always be the 'winner' in such things and the one to 'get the boy' had been important, even if she never understood exactly why. Now she once again found herself jealous whenever Rei looked at Shinji, but for a very different reason. Why, though? It wasn't as if she wanted Rei to look at her that way. Not that bland, emotionless doll. Did she?

Proximity probably played a role, too. As co-workers, they naturally spent a lot of time together, especially both being female and sharing a locker room. It provided ample opportunity for Asuka to observe another girl intimately and explore her burgeoning sexuality. There were a myriad of excuses for innocent encounters, like the 'accidental' brushing of hands or pats on the head or arm, and 'experimenting' with 'Miss Perfect' in this way felt safe, as Rei was so self-absorbed and self-isolated and apparently entirely ignorant of social cues and etiquette. And if, by some miracle, she did pick up on what Asuka was up to, it seemed unlikely that she would even understand it, let alone reciprocate. Safe.

But it wasn't completely without risk. For instance, in all the time they'd worked together, they'd naturally seen each other in various states of undress without ever giving it a second thought. Now, like the mountain climber who looked down, Rei's naked body became highly problematic for Asuka. It was fortunate that Rei was apparently blind to the reactions of those around her and that there was no third female pilot on the roster to see the furious blushes, the averting of eyes, and the sudden guilty turns of Asuka's head. When it came to attraction and arousal, Asuka had always been more 'visually' oriented than most girls, and now she was coming to understand exactly what that meant. No wonder boys' brains were always blowing fuses. It was a wonder they didn't go completely out of their minds.

In a similar vein, once Asuka started noticing Rei, she was suddenly in Asuka's head all the time and refused to leave. And when she was near her, the 'heat' in her belly was almost as strong as it had been with Seo Yoon, even without kissing. The desire to be physically close to Rei and to touch her became more and more urgent and less easy to satisfy with the occasional 'accident.' In fact, they made it worse.

Still, if it had remained a physical attraction only, things probably would have been alright. Asuka was a big girl, and she had plenty of self-control. But it was becoming obvious that for Asuka, her attraction to boys, while real and strong, was purely physical, whereas when it came to girls, the attraction was largely emotional. But with Rei - and apparently only with Rei - it seemed to be both. And that was desperately confusing, not to mention god-damned terrifying.

Then infatuation set in.

Asuka became desperate to learn everything there was to know about Rei Ayanami, her thoughts, and her motivations. Why did she so rarely ever smile, and then almost exclusively at stupid Shinji - or even weirder, commander Ikari? What kind of books did she like to read, and what TV shows did she watch? Did she even watch TV or play video games? What was her house like? What did she eat for breakfast, and who made her lunch for her? Everything she said and did, no matter how trivial, became fascinating in the extreme, and Asuka grew insanely jealous of Shinji, Gendo, and everyone else who commanded Rei's attention who wasn't Asuka. She had noticed in the past that boys sometimes acted this way when they were lovestruck. Definitely not her, though. Not Asuka Langley Soryu. And not over some girl, not even the one-and-only Miss Perfect. The idea was preposterous. But, preposterous or not, it stuck.

That led to the obvious question: of all the girls she could have fallen for, why Rei Ayanami? Asuka thought of Hikari, warm and motherly, and her 'vision' of them together that had roused all of this. Falling for her or someone like her made a lot more sense, especially given Asuka's past. Rei, by contrast, was cold and apparently almost emotionless. Like the dolls that Asuka hated. Like her mother after the failed experiment.

Asuka had firmly closed the door on the idea of going too far down that particular rabbit hole. She couldn't quite leave the thought alone, though. It sat in the back of her mind and niggled at her, like a tooth that was going bad.

Was it the challenge, then? To Asuka, most of life was a game to be played and won. But there was no joy of conquest to be found here, no thrill of the fight. Just longing, desperate and unrequited.

Whatever the reason, once Asuka started to fall, she fell fast and far. Her desperate crush became more and more desperate, until it got to the point where Asuka wasn't eating properly, and she gradually stopped hanging out with her friends or even interacting with them at school. Soon after, her grades started to suffer. She couldn't even talk to anybody about what she was going through, especially not to Rei. While Asuka was usually bold and fearless, the idea of confessing her feelings was so fraught with anxieties that it made her physically ill.

And there was the crux of the matter. For Asuka, loving Rei was dangerous. There were so many ways it could go bad. Toji wasn't alone in his feelings about the kind of relationship she wanted with Rei, and most of the people around them were far less tolerant, some even outright hostile to such an idea. And then there was NERV. While she didn't know the details, she did know that Rei was special and important at NERV in a way that she and Shinji were not, even as the first fully-trained and combat-ready Evangelion pilot and the commander's son, respectively. 'Commander Ikari's favorite doll,' Asuka had called her once. She colored at the memory. NERV was hardly the most progressive organization on earth at the best of times, and Asuka found it hard to believe they'd see a relationship between her and Rei as anything other than inappropriate at best and, at worst, a threat somehow to their operation. And then there was the biggest, scariest danger of all: What if Rei rejected her? Asuka had to face the harsh truth that it was not only possible but, in fact, it was likely. And that made her more miserable than anything.

So Asuka took what she felt was the only path open to her – to bury her head in the sand and hope it all went away. But go away it did not, and she just got more and more miserable. The crisis point came when her physical health started to suffer, and even worse and more dangerously, for not only herself but potentially humanity at large, her synchronization ratio with her Eva started to nosedive. So it seemed that, whatever the outcome, she was just going to have to make the confession, because one way or another, this thing was literally going to kill her.

'Confess' is a simple word and easy enough to say. But saying and doing are, of course, two very different things. No matter the time and the place she chose or how many times she rehearsed what she was going to say, as soon as she got Rei alone, Asuka's heart would pound and her head would swim, and the words just wouldn't come.

Then one day, Asuka got herself an idea. It was inspired, a true 'light bulb' moment - if she couldn't spit it out, she would write it down! She would write Rei a simple and straightforward letter that told her everything.

A dozen or so simple, straightforward, abortive attempts had yielded the note that now sat in the front pocket of Asuka's pinafore as she sat staring out the window, waiting for her azure-haired princess in muslin and calico, like a desperate lovefool in a pre-Impact soap opera. A letter that, through her carelessness, might have cost Asuka dearly but had been got back safe, though much the worse for wear. The question was, what was she going to do with it now?

With a sly glance around the room to make sure she wasn't the focus of anyone's attention, Asuka discretely slipped the envelope from her pocket and the letter from the envelope and started to read.

To: Rei

From: Asuka

Ayanami.

I can't take it anymore. There's something you need to know. I've tried to talk to you about it, but it turns out I'm an even bigger coward than Ikari, so I wrote this letter instead. I just don't know how to approach this, so I'm going to come right out with it. Rei, I have these feelings for you that I'm not sure I can explain or justify. Strong feelings. In fact, I haven't been able to think about anything but you for months now. You fill my mind all day, every day, and not being able to tell you is making me sick. So, there it is. Pathetic, huh?

Rei, I've shown you my heart. These feelings – they're so new and confusing, and I'm scared, really scared. Scared of what they mean, scared of what might happen. Whatever you might think of it or of me, or whatever your feelings toward me may be now or in the future, I implore you – one Eva pilot to another - to keep my secret, because I don't know what would happen to me if this got out.

I know this note has just delayed and ensured the inevitable, and now we'll have to talk about it, but until we do, I'm begging you once more to keep this to yourself. I fear that it's too much to hope that you'll ever feel as I do, but please, at the very least, don't betray me.

Asuka.

Asuka read through it twice more, and her nose screwed up in disgust. What had seemed like the perfect expression of her love a few days before now read like mawkish, melodramatic garbage. The more she read it, the more she cringed. And perfumed paper? What the hell was that? Ugh, she was back to being the lovesick boy again. Above all, the knowledge that Toji had also read it made it seem somehow tainted. That was the final straw. She swiftly scrunched the letter up and shoved it back in her pocket, making a mental note to burn it the second she got the chance. The hope that Toji's almost miraculous revelation had stirred in Asuka was starting to flag, and she began to despair of finding any good way through this thing.

Then, all of a sudden, it struck her like a bolt from the blue.

She sat frozen for a moment, then a look of amazed delight spread over Asuka's features, and she grinned ecstatically for the first time in what felt like years. Of course! It was so simple! She was almost delirious. Bolt from the blue.

Blue? Out the window, down in the quadrangle, a flash of blue hair.

Asuka rose to her feet – casually, she hoped – and moved over to the window. It didn't seem to matter how many times it happened; seeing Rei first thing in the morning sent Asuka's heart straight into her mouth. She looked down as Rei looked up; their eyes met, and at that moment, the second warning bell went. Asuka felt as though the bell was ringing inside her skull, like Toji had smacked her right between the eyes. If Rei's blank stare was enough to make Asuka see stars, she must have it bad. So much worse than she thought.

Asuka had once scoffed at the idea that she wanted Rei to look at her the way she did at Shinji. She did, though. She wanted it more than anything in the world. All she wanted was for Rei to look at her, and only her, and she was going to make it happen.

For Asuka had had another brilliant, light bulb idea. An idea so simple that she had to wonder why it hadn't come to her immediately and saved her incalculable heartache. It was something boys did all the time - to get close to girls they liked.

Asuka was going to become Rei Ayanami's friend.