Title: It Should Have Been Me
Day: Whumptober 2023, Day 6
Prompt: "Do or die, you'll never makes me; Because the world will never take my heart" Recording/Made to watch/"It should have been me"
Fandom: TMNT 2012
Word Count: 3796
Author: aquietwritingcorner/realitybreakgirl
Rating: M
Characters: Raphael, Donatello, Shredder
Warning: Torture, and all that goes with it.
Summary: Raph swallowed, trying not to let too much of his emotion show on his face. Donnie wasn't supposed to sound like that. "Yeah, I'm here, little brother. They brought you back to me again." It should have been him taking these hits. Not Donnie. Raph's jaw clenched. It should be him.
Notes: This is one that I could see might need some follow up later. What do all of you think?
It Should Have Been Me
Raph could hear it. He could hear it! Raph could hear the cries of his brother as the Shredder tortured him for information. He grit his teeth, his anger boiling in him as he heard Donnie cry out. But what could he do about it? Nothing, that was what. He was stuck in this cell, and there was nothing that he could do but listen as his brother screamed every so often. He given up pounding on the bars of the cell and yelling threats. They did him no good. Instead, all he could do was stand there, his hands tight around the bars in the door, and grit his teeth.
The door to the room that Donnie had been taken to opened, and Raph watched it, hoping that it was his brother being brought out. But it was just Xever, casually strolling out as he chuckled at something on his phone. Donnie screamed again, the sound louder without the door in the way. The door swung shut, muffling the cry and Raph couldn't help the growl that escaped his throat.
Xever look up at it, as if he had forgotten that Raph was there, and strolled over to him, chuckling. "Would you like to see what I find so entertaining, turtle?" he said, grinning.
"What I'd like to see is you turned into sushi!" Raph snapped out.
"Careful," Xever said, "or I won't show you what I find much more… educational."
He turned his phone around, pressing play on the video and Raph's breath caught in his throat. Donnie. His brother was strapped down to a table, fresh bruises and cuts layering on top of the ones he already had.
"Where is Hamato Yoshi!" Shredder's voice came through the video, somewhere off screen.
Don panted but shook his head. Tiger Claw, on the other side of Donnie, seemed to respond to a signal, and what looked like a hot poker was jammed into Don's knee. His brother screamed in pain, and the poker was kept there for a few seconds, until it was removed.
"I'll ask you again, turtle. Where is Hamato Yoshi!"
Donnie whimpered, but didn't say anything, and this time Shredder himself backhanded Don across the face, leaving cuts on it and causing his brother to cry out again.
Xever pulled the phone away as the video ended, chuckling to himself. "Your brother is very stubborn. But I wonder just how much longer he can last," the fish man said with a grin.
Raph lost his battle with control and threw himself up against the bars with a shout, making a grab for Xever. The man took a step back and laughed before walking away. Raph growled and pounded on the bars, letting out a roar of anger that ultimately did nothing.
Raph had lost all ability to track time in the dungeon, so he wasn't sure how much longer it was before Bradford came out, dragging Donatello behind him, Tiger Claw following.
"Move away from the door," Tiger Claw demanded.
Raph's fist tightened, but he did as he was told. As much as he wanted to fight back, Donnie was in no shape for a fight or even a run. Tiger Claw unlocked the door, and Bradford unceremoniously dropped Don on the floor. Raph growled, but he knew better than to move until that door was closed and locked again. As soon as it was, though, he was rushing to Donnie's side, ignoring the two enemies on the other side of the door. It wasn't like they ever stayed long anyway.
"Donnie?" Raph called, gently turning his brother over. Don groaned, and Raph carefully rearranged him so that he was, hopefully, laying more comfortably. He looked him over for new injuries, quickly spotting the ones Xever had shown him in the video, as well as a few more. Unfortunately, there wasn't much that could be done about them. Raph had already used most of their wraps for other injuries, and they'd quickly discovered that any bandages Don left with were ripped from him when he was taken.
Don groaned again, but this time his eyes fluttered and finally opened. "…Raph?" he said.
His voice was rough, hoarse, weak, and Raph swallowed, trying not to let too much of his emotion show on his face. Donnie wasn't supposed to sound like that. "Yeah, I'm here, little brother. They brought you back to me again."
A shudder went through Donnie, a dry sob, and he turned his head into Raph. Raph obliged, carefully moving so that Don's head was in his lap as he did his best to sooth his little brother.
There wasn't much he could do.
After Don had calmed down some, Raph helped him sit up, and helped him drink some water, doing his best to coax him into eating a little. Eventually, Donnie fell asleep, his head resting on Raph's thigh, And Raph's arm laying on him.
Raph sat there, unwilling to disturb the little peace that his brother could find in sleep, even if inside Raph was burning with anger. He wanted nothing more than to kill the Shredder and his cronies for what they were doing to Donnie. It should have been him! Raph was the impulsive one, Raph was the one with the mouth, Raph was the one who should have been taking these hits. Not Donnie. Not his intelligent brother who would throw his all into helping someone else. Not the one Raph had promised, if only to himself, to protect. Raph's jaw clenched. It should be him.
Raph himself fell asleep at some point, sitting up, and still with Donnie laying on him. He awoke when there was a pounding on their cell door, and his head snapped up with a growl.
"Wake up, little turtles," Tiger Claw said. "A new day begins. Maybe today we'll learn the information Master Shredder craves."
Raph tightened his hold on Donnie. "You can't have him," he growled back, baring his teeth.
Tiger Claw laughed. "You think you have a choice? Foolish child." He unlocked the door and gestured for Xever and Bradford to go in.
Raph pulled Donnie to him and backed up, holding tightly to his brother.
"…Raph?" Donnie asked, the movement, Raph assumed, having woken him.
"You can't have him!" Raph repeated. "Take me instead, but you can't have him!"
"As if you can give orders," Shredder's voice broke through. "Bring the purple one."
Xever and Bradford descended upon them and, although Raph fought back, Donnie was ripped from his arms anyway. The cell door was closed with a heavy clang, and Raph threw himself on it. "No!"
Donnie, weak as he was, was fighting back as well, although it was so ineffectual that no one bothered to do more than hold his arms behind his back.
"We're doing something different today, turtle," Shredder said, looking at Raph. "Tiger Claw!"
"Yes, Master Shredder." Tiger Claw left, going through the door that they normally took Donnie through, and returned with what looked to be a short metal frame that had shackles on it and a cart of some sort.
"Xever told me what you thought of the video he shared with you yesterday, reptile," Shredder said as Xever and Bradford moved Donatello to the frame. "I thought a live viewing might be worth showing you."
Dread and horror pooled in Raph's stomach as he watched his brother struggle and fight against Xever and Bradford, not that it did any good. He dug in his heels, but the cuffs were still put on his wrists. They let go of him abruptly, and he wasn't able to get his balance back in time, falling, only jerking to a stop when the cuffs and the chains they were attached to stopped him. Don let out a noise of pain as it pulled harshly on his arms and moved to get his feet under him. His knees didn't touch the ground, but at least he could get his feet under him.
Shredder moved the cart—full of tools and devices that Raph was suddenly very afraid he'd see the uses for—to the other side of Donnie, giving Raph a clear side view of his brother.
"Now," Shredder said, pullout out what looked to be a metal rod. "Tell me Hamato Yoshi's location."
Raph could see the panic and terror in Donnie. His brother glanced over at him. "N-no." he said.
Shredder backhanded him, opening up the cuts from yesterday.
"Tell me!" Shredder demanded.
Don was breathing hard, still panicking, but holding fast to his answer. "No!"
Shredder hit him again, sending him rattling against the restraints, and Raph watched as his brother went limp for a moment.
"Tell me," Shredder said again, "Where Hamato Yoshi is."
This time, Don looked up at the Shredder defiantly. "No," he repeated more firmly than before.
This time, when the Shredder when to hit him, Donnie lashed out with his legs, kicking the man and sending him stumbling back.
"Alright, Donnie!" Raph cheered, only to suddenly cry out his brother's name as Tiger Claw lashed out with a stick and electrocuted his brother, aiming directly into his burned knee. "Donnie! Donnie, no, Donnie!"
His brother screamed, and then fell limp, hanging by his wrists again. Shredder growled.
"Very well. If that's how you wish to do this." The man reached into the cart and pulled out some sort of flexible stick—and used it to whip Donnie's palm. Donnie gasped and jerked, but he couldn't go anywhere or do anything about it. "Tell me where Hamato Yoshi is!"
Donnie refused again, and Shredder used that stick to ship Donnie's hand again. Raph could see the long, bleeding cut each whip had left, and he felt the horror building as he watched. If this kept up, Shredder could cause permanent to Donnie's hands. Damage to any of their hands would be hard to deal with, but for Don, who loved to build things and create it would be a huge blow. Even if it was just one hand, that would make everything harder and would probably make it impossible for him to wield his bo.
Raph threw himself up against the door again. "Stop it!" he said. "Stop it! Leave him alone! Shredder, leave him alone!"
His cries fell on deaf ears, and again and again Shredder demanded information, and again and again Don denied him, until his hands were a bloody mess.
Raph could see the tremble in Don's exhausted body at this point, and he wished that he could do something about it, anything! "Just hang in there, Donnie!" he called out, trying to encourage his brother. "Just hang on! I'm sure the others will be here to rescue us! Just hang on!"
"False promises," Shredder said. "If they were going to come, they would have already."
"No!" Raph yelled. "They'll come! They will!"
Donnie, though clearly in pain and clearly scared, looked over at Raph again, and gave a small nod.
This didn't go unnoticed by Shredder.
He put the thin stick away, and reached for something else, something that Don clearly recognized and tried to shy away from. Raph didn't have to wonder what it was for long, as he the white-hot tip was revealed. Raph's heart raced, and he tried harder to break out of the cell.
"Tell me where Hamato Yoshi is," Shredder demanded, the poker not far from Donnie's skin. Donnie was shaking, eyes glued to the poker, but he shook his head. Shredder laid the poker on the inside of Donnie's upper arm, and Donnie screamed.
Raph did too. "No! Stop it!"
"Tell me where Hamato Yoshi is!" Shredder demanded again, this time holding it close to Don's throat. Donnie glanced at Raph again, and then shook his head. Shredder pressed it to the hollow of Don's throat, and the scream choked its way out of Donnie. Raph yanked on the cell door to no avail.
This time, Shredder held the poker up to Don's face. "Tell me where Hamato Yoshi is," he demanded again. Don didn't take his eyes off of Raph this time, even as he shook his head no again. This time, Shredder laid the flat of it against Donnie's cheek and left it there longer. Don screamed and tried to get away, but the Shredder held in there until he was satisfied, leaving a long, deep burn on Donnie's face. Don sagged when the Shredder let him go, breathing hard.
"Donnie… Donnie…" Raph was desperate to get to his brother. Don opened his eyes and looked at Raph again, trying to give his brother something of a smile.
Shredder growled and pulled Don's face towards him, pressing on the fresh burn. Donnie let out a noise of pain and weakly struggled to get away. He froze, though, when Shredder held the still white-hot poker near his eye. Raph froze, too, watching in horror.
"If you do not answer me, I will take your eye," Shredder said. "Where is Hamato Yoshi."
Donnie stared at the poker, and Raph did, too, his breath caught in his throat. This wasn't happening, right? Shredder wouldn't follow through with that, right? Donnie would say something, or the others would come swooping in, or—
Donnie shook his head the tiniest amount.
"Donnie, No!"
Donnie's scream dwarfed Raph's, the chamber full of no other sounds but their twin screams. Raph could only watch in horror as Shredder removed the poker from his brother's eye and let him drop.
"Impressive," Shredder said, speaking over Donnie's cries of pain and horror, "but ultimately useless. I will find out where Hamato Yoshi is if it means I flay you alive and hang your shell on my wall, child."
"I'll kill you!" Raph had lost it, he was screaming at the top of his lungs, shaking the door to his cell and pulling on it with all of his might. "I'll kill you, Shredder! I'll kill you myself!"
Raph could see Donnie's face, could see where his eye used to be, could see the burns and—
Raph screamed in rage.
Shredder turned his attention back to Donnie, but it seemed that he was in too much shock to be able to even answer yes or no anymore. Shredder let out a noise of displeasure. "Take him down and return him to the cell. We'll continue tomorrow." He turned and stalked out of the room.
Raph was shaking with rage as Xever and Bradford uncuffed Donnie and brought him to the cell.
"Stand back," Tiger Claw said.
For a moment Raph wanted to do no such thing. He bared his teeth and clenched his fists.
"Stand back," Tiger Claw repeated, "or we throw him in a cell alone."
"Literally," Bradford said.
Still trembling with rage, Raph backed off. Having Donnie with him was more important right now. The cell door swung open, and the lights went out.
Raph wasted no time. He launched himself at Tiger Claw, throwing the bigger man back, and then from there at Bradford. He heard the whistle of shuriken, but they were aimed over his head. He paid them no heed, nor did he pay any attention when he heard Bradford cry out in pain. Instead, head made straight for Donnie, catching him in his arms, and kicking Xever away. Donnie groaned in pain as Raph gathered his brother to him tucking his too-long limbs in so he could carry him.
"The other turtles are here! Sound th—urk!"
Tiger Claw's voice was cut off behind him, and Raph felt something light touch his elbow.
"Raph?" It was Leo's voice.
"I've got Don, we need to go now!" Raph responded.
Leo squeezed his elbow. "This way."
There was no banter or battle cries as they left, not even from Mikey, who was bringing up the rear, moving as quietly as possible. The only sounds were soft groans from Donnie, and even those were not very loud.
The four emerged from Shredder's hideout, but they didn't slow down, racing away and into the sewers.
"Raph, how—" Leo started.
"We can't stop!" Raph said. "We—we have to get him home now, Leo!"
There was a touch of hysteria to his voice, but Raph didn't care.
None of them slowed down.
"How bad is it?" Leo asked.
"He was tortured. For days!" Raph snapped out. "He—he took his eye, Leo! Shredder stuck a poker in Donnie's eye and burned it!"
Leo's head whipped around to look at Raph and he nearly fell, "What?"
"Oh, shell oh that's what that scream was, wasn't it?" Mikey said. "I think I'm gonna be sick."
"We've got to get him to Sensei now!" Raph said.
None of his brothers objected, and they doubled down on their speed.
It was all a blur from there for Raph. They arrived home, calling desperately for Splinter. He emerged from the dojo, looking horrified at Donnie's state, and at Raph's frantic babblings. Don was whisked away into the dojo, and an all hands on deck procedure began. Donnie's wounds were cleaned, treated, bandaged, and whatever else they needed. Raph blocked out most of what Splinter had to do about Donnie's burned eye, and the little he remembered, he wished he forget.
Eventually Raph was forced to sit down by April—Raph didn't even remember her arriving—a hot drink shoved in his hands, and a blanket draped over his shoulders. Leo came out to join him sometime later, and Raph leaned into him, shaking, crying, and repeating "It should have been me!" over and over again.
Leo just held him and rocked him, saying "I know," and "I understand" to him. Leo understood what Raph was saying, how Raph was feeling, and while Raph knew that he didn't wish that it had happened to Raph instead of Donnie, he also knew that Leo understood that Raph felt that it should have.
At some point, Raph fell asleep, beyond exhausted. When he woke, he was in his bed, and the lair was quiet. He draped a blanket over his shoulders, and he left his room, looking around. No one seemed to be up, and so Raph made his way to the dojo, where he was certain Donnie still was. He slid the screen open, peeking in.
"You should be asleep, Raphael."
Splinter was sitting by Donatello's side. Raph should have expected that.
"I-I woke up. I-I needed—" Raph trailed off, not sure how to put his need to see Don into words.
Splinter looked at him and nodded. "I understand. Come. Sit."
Raph entered, holding the blanket around him and looked down at his brother. Bandages wrapped around his head, covering his left eye socket. Butterfly strips held the cuts on his face closed. His hands were heavily bandaged, as were places on his arms. Raph couldn't see his legs, but he could trace the shape of a knee brace under the blanket, and he remembered well the other injuries that had to have been treated that were now hidden.
"…Will he be okay?" Raph asked as he sat next to his father. "I mean—I—"
"There was nothing I could do for his eye, except to clean it and try to keep of free of infection. In that, the Shredder won," Splinter said, a touch of bitterness in his voice. He smoothed it away as he continued. "The cuts on his face and the burn on his cheek will scar. There is little I can do about that, either. His hands were badly damaged. While I do believe that they will heal, I do not know what the long-term effects will be. The rest will heal, in time, although they will leave him with many scars."
"…It should have been me," Raph blurted out. "It should have—Sensei, Father, it should have been me! I should have been the one that Shredder tortured, not Donnie! I should have been the one laying there, instead of the one sitting here getting away without any injuries! I—"
"Shh," Splinter reached out and wrapped an arm around Raph, drawing him into his side. "My son—calm yourself and listen to me." He waited until Raph had calmed down a little, and then continued. "While Donatello was the one who was physically tortured, he was not the only one that was tortured," Splinter said.
Raph looked up at his father, confused. "What? What do you mean?"
"Your brothers told me that you were in a cell while Donatello was being tortured by Saki, yes?" Splinter said.
"Well, yeah, but that was the first time it was like that. Usually they just—" Raph had to swallow past a lump in his throat. "—they took him to another room. I could hear him scream, though. And Xever showed me a video." Raph's voice had dropped to a whisper.
Splinter's arm around him tightened. "I see. My son, while they would have gladly taken any information that Donatello would have given them, they were also using that time to torture you, as well, although psychologically. Hearing your brother's cries, seeing the video, watching him be tortured—they were trying to break you as well. Shredder knew that eventually one of you would break, so he tortured you both, just in different ways."
Raph looked at Donnie, lying there, so injured. "But—but look what he did to Donnie! He'll have to live with that for the rest of his life! He's going to be scarred and hurt and—"
Splinter gently reached over and took Raphael's chin, turning it towards him. "And you, too, will be hurt and scarred for the rest of your life by this experience. Just not in the same, visible, way." Splinter ran a soothing hand on Raph's face. "Do not discount your own experience, my son. Yes, Donatello is going to have a long and hard recovery. But just because his will be physical and mental does not mean that your is not important as well."
Raph stared at his father, and then leaned in, burying his face in his father's robe and fur. Splinter held him, and Raph let himself be small and vulnerable again, with his father for protection. Eventually, though, he pulled back, although he didn't move from beside Splinter or Donnie's side.
He reached out to Don, wanting to hold his hand, but scared of hurting it more, so instead putting a hand on Don's head.
"I'm gonna stay with you, Donnie," he said, ignoring how watery his voice sounded. "Every step of the way. I'm going to stay with you. I swear it."
Because no matter what Splinter said, deep down, Raph knew the truth.
It should have been him.
Notes: Just some follow up thoughts! Donnie will regain the full use of his hands, although the healing process won't be fun, and he'll have some issues with pain. He'll be able to return fully to being a ninja and inventor, just with one less eye. The whole thing is going to be a struggle on pretty much every level for him, though. Raph will be holding on to that guilt for a long time and, while he does eventually deal with it, some of it will stay with him for the rest of his life and he'll struggle with it. Splinter, although it isn't shown here, is actually livid at Shredder and all others involved and has lost any struggles he had about killing them because of what Shredder did to Donnie and Raph. Mikey, Leo, and April will all have their own issues stemming from this, but this fic isn't about them, so I didn't explore that. Who knows? Maybe that will come later! We'll see!