He always have suspicions that he had a past life, sometimes they appeared through a dream or something too familiar like a deja vu, other times as he grow older, they felt like any other memory from yearsago. He remembered cold, cold weather, long winter stretching through the bones, heavy coats, and sometimes splashes of fresh blood on a never-ending snow field.
He remembered pledging his allegiance to something, a cause, or an ideology. He would travel across the world for it, but really, he doesn't remember much. They're all very faint, miniscule fragments, and lacking larger contexts to be discussed with anyone, so he never felt the need to be obsessed about it.
But he noticed how sometimes certain people use a specific tone in their speech and he would remember them from his previous life, sometimes it's their favorite food or tendencies in decision making. Small things, really. And sometimes, it's unforgettable locks of golden hair, soft and gleaming under the sun. He doesn't remember anything about him, but when he immediately welcomes Ajax in the baseball club and introduces himself as Aether, he feels involuntarily softened for a second. "How fitting." He wanted to say aloud but didn't.
Ajax told him he's a transfer student in 2nd year and had joined the main team in his previous school in Snezhnaya. They both grew closer as Ajax made to the main team in this school as well. Aether's a lot tinier in posture than most guys in 3rd year but proved to be a more than decent shortstop on the field.
Aether mentioned he has a sister, and something about it piqued his interest in a way he couldn't pinpoint. So he chased on the subject, mentioning he also had three younger siblings.
"Oh, mine's the same age, we're twins you see." He said before pointing to the other side of the canteen where Ajax saw softer, paler, much shorter locks of golden fountain on a girl who looks uninterested in anything as far as her eyes can see. Lightning strikes his brain when he meets her eyes and keeps him in tension.
Ajax must've been staring because her brother snaps his fingers on his nose twice. "I know, I know, she's kinda lovely to look at, but don't bother, trust me."
Even in that otherworldly previous life, where he possess some sort of a super power to take lives - constantly and mostly for obligation's sake, even in that dream-like universe where logic doesn't seem to apply, even so, they weren't together. He remembered that, right after the first encounter.
Yet, there was longing inside of him being woken up thatwantsher. Irrationally so. Even then, she was someone of a higher rank. She made The Queen, His Nation's Queen, bowed to her in allegiance. She arrived at the royal court with a decision, and she is cruel whenever faced with disobedience. She was a higher being, a woman created and fought before his nation defines jurisdiction over the land. A God.
It felt like a zap in time and space because right now she's a high schooler, eating her lunch at the school canteen. Her brother told Ajax that they grew apart basically, him growing out of the child modeling career and finding worthy thrill in baseball. She made a name for herself as an amateur student model after Aether didn't feel like it anymore.
Aether said that she has a lovely, girl next door type of persona, but in real life, she can be distant and cold. He didn't hate her, though. Ajax can sense that much. He just grew bitter, maybe a bit frustrated, with the way things are.
Without intending to, Ajax became the school's ace pitcher. It came naturally to him. He is tall with the kind of silhouette of a male lead in korean webtoon and the determination of a video game character. He laughs it off whenever a classmate points it out to him. There's both easygoing nature and 'business only' mode to him that makes almost everyone respect him. Most are intrigued by his visuals, but more than that was the way he carried himself, effortlessly lovely to be around, they would say. Even the insecure, shit-talking guys refrain themselves from treating him like just another pretty face when the school team won without a hitch. Suffice to say, he was a popular guy.
He kept the thought to himself, but he would like to argue that none of it was effortless. There was a kind of past life muscle memory to his smile, tone practiced to a balanced pitch before he reached it, There was an urgent need to be accepted by his peers, who are mostly adults and take him for granted. He had to learn how to survive the ways of their language, and all the rage he can focused on, are out on a chosen physical field. He takes enormous, personal joy in fighting, it seems, before.
He had no such rage now, but old habits die hard. Besides, what's the point of it all if they doesn't impress the one person he came to this universe for? Or maybe that was never the point at all. His shoulder tensed, and the hair on his back rises involuntarily. Sure enough, she walked past him in the hallway.
Aether catches her on the shoulder, which startled Ajax, who felt stupid immediately. He asked what time she'll be home today because apparently the folks are gone, and they're sharing a key.
"Late." She said simply.
"Make sure your boyfriend drives you back this time. How is he an adult with a car and lets his high school girlfriend take the train home from the same workplace at night?" Ajax can feel his heart sink to his stomach. No one can miss the hatred Aether had for the guy, though.
She looks away delicately, as if trying to be discreet in her discomfort but left without saying another word.
Aether exhaled loudly at the sight. He told him that 'the boyfriend' is a 24 year old photographer who's young enough to be recognized as the next big thing. "It's bullshit if you asked me, though." Aether finalized the conversation, and Ajax allowed himself to have one final glance over his shoulder.
He saw her again a few weeks later, alone this time. For the first time. She was hunched below the stairs in the back where not many students walk by. He purchased a strawberry milk drink and gave it to her wordlessly. She took it with a weak thank you. And somehow he's surprised she's not actually crying. She was, but for a good amount of time, it looks like she's just been staring at her phone exhaustively before he found her. Finishing his own coffee, he asked, knowing the answer, "Is it your work?"
"No." She said with a soft exhale. "I just got dumped last night."
She's obviously distraught, and Ajax hated the way it kind of makes his heart soar.
To his surprise, she began sharing her thoughts. He reminds himself that Lumine is a high school girl through and through. She's not a winged goddess sitting on a throne. She's a school girl who just got dumped. By a grown man. Who should've been on a predator's watchlist. But he knows better and keeps the thought to himself, maybe later when she's not as upset. But definitely not now.
"I think," She exhaled again. "I think he thinks I'm too childish for him. He told me that he dated me because he thinks I'm mature for someone my age, but," And he caught her chewing her inner cheek.
What a douche.
"Hey," She looks eager to change the topic. "You're my brother's friend, aren't you? You managed to be the main pitcher in just a few short months, even I understand that's a big deal." She managed a small, very small, easy to miss yet genuine smile. Her skin's not glowing as it usually does, and her eyes are swollen from lack of sleep and tears.
"Ah yes." He sheepishly extends an arm, "We haven't met properly, I think, you can call me Childe."
"I thought your name's Ajax." He refrained himself from getting flushed in front of her.
"Yes, I'm giving you an alias."
"Hm." She pulled herself up with his hand and thanked him for his time.
Being popular inherently translates to unwanted gossip. The guys at the baseball club told him word on the street is he had slept with everyone in his previous school, and they had to kick him out. Some girls in his current school had claimed to sleep with him, have friends with benefit type of situations with him, some claimed seeing him participating in an orgy gay club.
The gym shower laughs in a roar. It's sounds utterly silly for them who know how much dedication and time they had to spare just to be an average player at most. Ajax shakes his head off, laughing along with them. As if he's old enough to enter a club or had the time and energy to date even one person. Except her. But she's not, so he doesn't have the time or energy to spend other than school work and practice.
Out of all things in this universe, he didn't think those silly rumors would be the ones to land Lumine in his apartment.
"Good afternoon, Childe." She had her arms crossed just below her chest with one hand dangling what looks to be a shopping bag from a cake shop.
He welcomes her in, mentioning that he lives alone. He wants her to know firsthand that she is walking into a guy's home, unsupervised.
"I know." She said, putting the bag on the kitchen counter.
She stared at it for a while, and Childe waited.
"I heard that... you are quite popular in the hook up and dating scenes."
Childe crosses his arms, an eyebrow raised, waiting.
"I... remember that time I told you my ex thinks I'm childish? One of the issues is my lack of experience."
She neither flushed nor blushed. She merely looked troubled explaining to him.
"So I wanted to ask you a favor, to teach me all the way, if you may. If you're willing." She finally looks up to him, and it reminds him of the kind of resolution she had, before.
But now that it's clear, it's time to come clean to her that he is not who she thinks he is and that he only had some experience with an ex back at home. The rest of it isn't true at all.
She looks disappointed. He assumes she had some sort of a know it all, man-whore image of him these past few weeks, maybe pacing back and forth before deciding to just ask him firsthand.
She looks troubled, for a few seconds. "But you're saying you have some kind of experience, right?"
"Well, I guess."
"Then would you give me a go?" She said in that neutral, beautifully delicate face that tensed him immediately. It's just like the first time their eyes met, but this time she's asking him to sleep with her.
He felt his tongue mid air, mouth gaping and breath shallows. She's not here to play games and he's a fool expecting anything else.
He wanted to ask, why him? There's other jocks with actual experiences. He's not the only popular guy with slightly defined shoulders. He wanted to ask, what's the fucking point of this. Will she run off to that guy after 'gaining some experience'? Is it for someone else entirely, not even in the picture yet? He wanted to ask if she remembered anything from before. Him, her brother, their matching coats. The long winter.
But instead, he asks if she's really okay with someone like him. In which she responded with her neck crooked slightly to the left, "I'm here, aren't I?".
And so Childe obliged, but only barely. He told her to sit on his bed while he washed his hands, breathing, counting to ten, breathe.
He found her sitting quietly as told. No fear detected, not a hint of flush. He's a fool, the biggest fool there is for even considering this.
Childe pushes her shoulders slightly and has her lied down on his bed.
"Listen, I'm not going to do anything to you."
He can sense her protest when she rises with her elbows and cuts it off. "I'll teach you, as you asked. But I'll simply mime them to you. I'll explain, and you can ask questions. Are we clear?"
She considered it, then nodded. Childe had one elbow on the side of her head, the other ghosting on the collar of her uniform.
He locked eyes with her, he can feel her admiring his darker blue, him to her golden ones. "It starts, with a kiss." His index traced the dip on her cupid's bow lips. "Lovers usually started with a kiss here, and you'll be curious enough to deepen the kiss."
"Deepen?" She whispered, his finger slipped to her lower lip and the tip of it is faintly wet now.
"Yes," He had to bite his tongue from the blood immediately rushing to his pelvis.
"If you like each other enough, you'll want to explore the other's mouth, with your tongue, playful bites on the lips."
"You'll gasp for air, both of you. And broke away from the kiss. He'll kiss, lick, sniff whatever he can, any flesh of you, and you to him." Childe graze on her jaw, the cheek on the corner of her mouth, curved the line from her neck to the skin behind her earlobe.
"Ears too?"
"You'd be surprised to how mere touches on seemingly regular body parts can make you feel insane if it's someone you're crazy about." He smiled, reaching for her collar.
"The neck, ears and the skin behind your neck, right where the hair begins are the common parts." He raises her arm, pulling it abover her head, tracing fingers on her wrist, to her palm, and intertwined their fingers.
"This is usually before the kiss. But no couples are the same. You can do what you want." He returned his focus on her top uniform. An unbuttoned cardigan and white plain shirt, red ribbon laced on the collar.
"Of course there's the breasts, I think it's pretty self explanatory, but the focus should be on the nipples. Usually slight biting, I personally like to leave a bruise." Ajax traced the lines of her buttoned shirt, between the mounds, and heard her gulped. He promised not to do anything, it's his responsibility.
"Now, up until now, it was pretty much the same for everyone, all genders. But below the belt," He hooked a finger on the edge of her skirt. "Is where you'll need to listen."
"Oral sex is one way to go, to have your partner lick, flick and sucks on all parts. Everyone's different, but the focus should be on the clitor-"
His collar was pulled and Lumine forced him to stare into her eyes. Her chest rises with the short breaths she tried to muster. They stared in contemplation for a while, but all hell broke lose and ajax kisses her senselessly. Relishing every sound she made at his tongue, leaving trails of wet pecks on her face, down to her long neck, he nibbled on the rim of her ear, and she cried out in frustration. He would not prefer it any other way. Because he's a fool, the biggest fool there is. He was never in control. Of her, or himself around her.
His lips found her again, and her lips are more confident this time to chewed on his. Until they broke away, out of breath, but stayed close. Too close, because they are sharing what little oxygen left between their lungs, too lost in each other's eyes to care.
He snapped his eyes shut when her fingers snaked to the back of his head, just like he taught her, and broke away to sit at the edge of the bed.
"I think... that's enough." He said in an attempt to manage himself. Still dizzy from her perfume and sweat.
Lumine sit upright, Childe thought she's going to leave now that she rendered him useless. But he felt a dip on his bed, and she embraced him from behind. Hands circling his torso, her cheek resting right on top of his shoulder blade. "I can't really explain it, but there's something about you that gave me an all too familiar comfort." She sighed on to his back.
"Would you believe me, if I say I feel like I've known you for a long time. Despite only meeting you a little more than a few times, I trust you more than most." His breath hitched when he turned around and saw her eyes pleading.
Ah, who is he to deny his god?
As Childe found himself kneeling to the edge of his bed, lips swollen from offering his prayers to her, her inner thighs bruised with bites, he remembered. He remembered never being able to claim her the way he wanted to, but he remembered this happened. Her requesting him in her chambers, him worshipping her unconditionally, patiently, desperately. He remembered his peers calling him a high rank prostitute of hers and he remembered not giving a single fuck.
Her cardigan is gone, her shirt was tucked off and mostly unbuttoned. He managed to unclipped her bra but could not be bothered to strip them off completely as long as he gets to make her squirm in his arms.
with his face burried under her skirt, her bruised breasts facing the ceiling, he felt her left leg twitch involuntarily and he cups the back of Lumine's knee, keeping her grounded.
She came again, Childe refrain himself from kissing or soothing her, eager to watch her trembled and cry. When the show ended he went to get her a bottle of water. Childe tried to sat her up but she lowered his hands and said she needed a minute.
Blood is still pounding, the muscles on her pelvis are still recovering. Childe would love to offer her to stay the night but he knew she has a curfew. Her brother would freak out if she's two min- oh crap. Her brother.
Childe doubt Aether has any right to tell her who to see or fuck but the guy has every right to dislike him just for the sake of it.
"Does... your brother know you're here?"
She finished her water bottle and throw it to a bin in his room. "Of course not. Don't worry, I know how he is."
"He dislikes everyone you're... involved with?" She giggled a bit.
"Well, I don't know, my ex was the only one I ever dated. So I'm not sure if it was just that one person he dislikes or the general idea of me... involved with someone as you said." A cheeky smile. She knew he's cautious for a different cause. She knew he liked her, and the cautious use of direct language was to protect himself. She knew everything. Well, almost.
"I should get going." She said, already neat and pushing an arm through her cardigan.
"Thank you Childe." A genuine, grateful smile.
"I'll walk you home. It's almost your curfew."
But he stops walking on her side two blocks away to avoid the bumping into Aether.
Childe was ready to write it off as one singular crazy friday. But she came to him a few more times after that. He cannot trace back at what point did it stopped feeling like an educational practice and just her straight up pleasuring herself with him. He stopped explaining when she pushes him on his back and move on her own. And he stopped caring that time when they never made it past the foyer.
If there was time, he'd cook meals for her. Lumine looked happy around him and that's all that matters really. They talk about her work and how she wanted to use the money to be independent from her parents. She told him maybe she doesn't mind the job, but she don't see herself doing it as a grown up.
He told her he also has no intention to be a professional athlete. Maybe in college he'll find something else less competitive for a physical outlet but as a grown up, he imitates her, he's interested in international trades. She told him it suits him. She told him the things she heard about him, how the girls in her year, a year his senior, fawn over him. And the guys admire his sportsmanship and laid-back boyish attitude. As always, he smiled it off and changed the subject.
She's not the friendliest girl around but there's a likable nature to her that made most people wanted to befriend her nonetheless. Plus, she's one of the prettiest, relatively famous students in their school, it's a given people are drawn to her.
Her brother is one of those pretty boys with cheeky grin carrying pranks around school, performs improv skits with the other boys in school events and sometimes gets in trouble. He easily shines in a crowd of people.
Lumine attracts different kind of crowd with her delicate features and direct tongue. She's usually surrounded by the other pretty girls. They love her, it's easy to miss that. People tend to label the group as shallow and stupid but by the way Lumine talks about them it's clear that the friendship is genuine.
Some of them are amateur models like Lumine, two of them are social media influencers, at least one is currently an idol trainee. Ajax can't remember the details, it was just some things he overheard through the gym lockers. He's only interested in one of them after all.
But apparently one of those faceless crowd following Lumine likes him. In fact, she likes him enough to ask him privately to the winter school dance. Naomi, he reminded himself, was her name. She's actually really cute, objectively speaking. He's not sure if she's the fellow model or the influencer, but he rejects her politely, anyways. He honestly told her he's not even sure he's coming to the dance and that he hopes she'll find someone else more dependable.
He didn't think too much of it. It's not his first time rejecting someone's advancement towards him. He always makes sure he's polite and respectful, the rest is beyond him. But Naomi cried her pretty, large brown eyes to Lumine right after. Naomi doesn't know, and she never will. But a pang of guilt crept up to Lumine after all.
He found her squatting by the door to his apartment. He checked his phone, no appointment made. Something about it felt odd.
She wants to talk. He immediately felt sick in his guts.
"Is this about Naomi." He said, closing the door behind them.
Lumine sat on his couch. "Yes... but mostly no. I think."
Two beats. "It's more about you, to be honest."
One beat. "I'm not upset because you rejected one of my friends. You have every right to do so. I'm just thinking about the other options."
He doesn't know where this is going but if she thinks he's some kind of a shoujo manga popular male lead caricature who received hundreds of pink ribbon gift by his shoe locker within one semester span he spent here, she needs to be corrected.
"Whatother options? I've only been here for six months Lumine, I received a total of three proper confessions. And I properly tell them I'm not interested.Whatare you talking about?" He crosses his arms, subconsciously trying to create distance between them.
"I'm not talking about the ones you're not interested in, I'm asking if you're interested in dating anyone at all."
His eyes traveled all around her. Tongue held dry mid air. "What about you?" He's not ready to talk about him.
"Me?" Her brows furrowed, mimicking his.
"Why aren't you seeing someone? You're single now, you've must've received at least five invites to the dance."
"I have not! And... you wouldn't get it. I'm in my third year and I have only recently gain some experiences. I don't think I'm ready."
"You mean that 24 year old guy hasn't called you back since?"
She took a bite of her lip, eyes glaring at his audacity.
"That's besides the point,"
"Then what is the point." He asked anyway, knowing she wouldn't offer him anything more than a weak suggestion of what she really meant.
"You shouldn't let me get in the way."
"Are you sayingI'min the way of you and your elderly citizen?" He can't help the snarl in his voice. A tone he never thought he would use against his god.
But things are blurry. Lately it's just Lumine, his senior in high school who happens to be a sibling to one of his closest, most precious friend he ever made. And they lied to him.
He felt silly all of a sudden. That whole thing, with the reincarnation, maybe he's just beyond delusional. It never really mattered what happened back then, what she's capable of or what muscle memory he carried on to this life. Or if those things are real at all. It never matters.
What matters to him in either lives, is her and her entire well-being. Her joy, ambitions, her every wants. Didn't he said he would travel travel across the seas, commit anything in his name, all ik the name of hers? And yet here he is snorting at her multiple times like she's... like she's just some... someone less than the faceless crowd around her.
His hands weakly dropped to his sides. "I'm sorry, Lumine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
"No, you did."
"Yes, I did."
He looked up and found her relaxing a bit as well. Hands still clasped on her thighs but her shoulders aren't as tense.
"Okay so, what exactly is your point then? You want to stop seeing me, you want me to date Naomi, or is he back in your life? Which one is it?" And her shoulders went up again.
"Why do you have to make it sound so menacing? So what if I'm seeing him again? Wouldn't that make you available to see anyone you want?"
"Lumine."
She startled at the sudden way he pronounced her name. It demands her immediate attention.
"You know you're the only one I want."
"It was never about the other options or that pedophile, or Naomi. I can only see you and you knew it."
"Pedo...? What..? He's not like that how dare you! You knew he didn't do anything to me, you knew! Ajax... How dare you suggests that!"
That was the first time he ever heard her yelling.
"Please, it's just a matter of time."
"Good bye, Ajax." Already grabbing her bag in a huff.
"Wait," He caught her by the shoulder, "Are you really seeing him again?"
She chewed on her lip, considering not replying at all, considering shrugging off his hand and stormed off. But that would be unfair.
"Well, he contacted me, asking to meet this week once I'm done with my work, since it's near his shooting location too."
"Oh how convenient for him." He can't help it, he really can't.
Lumine shrug him off right there and then, angrily putting her shoes on in the foyer.
"Well I'm always around, if it didn't work out." Or if she realizes how much of a dick that guy is, but he kept it to himself for once.
"I wouldn't do that to you, Ajax. You don't deserve that." Imagine, she thought, running to him, sleeping with him for the second time because of the same guy. Complete insanity.
"I'm just saying you can." Childe said calmly, trying his best to hide a palm tightening by his side.
"I will not! It's unfair!"
She spins to the other side in a huff, eager to leave the conversation and Childe with it.
"I don't mind." She thought she spun around so quickly she began hearing things.
"You can use me however you want, Lumine. So long as it's you. That was... that was my entire point all this time."
She thought she knew what she's going to see when she turned to look at him again, but nothing prepared her for the waves of genuine desperation in his eyes. It's the amalgamation of want, intense need to be understood, that he pines for her without any conditions she punish herself for behind closed doors. She has seen variations of it, in other men at work, at school, in her ex, even in Childe whenever he touches her. But she is not some cruel tyranny who can enjoy this. She's just a girl, and this boy gave her too much power.
So she stormed off, and it's the only logical thing to do at the time. It was too much, and Childe hates himself for it, more than he usually does.
After that, time went by all too soon for him. Practice usually brings him joy, challenges and reward his body at the same time. But it has some bitterness to it lately. Aether is no longer in the club since he's a third year. They have to focus on the final exam, prepare for college, start thinking about their future and all that.
Every win their team received serve only as a reminder to him that the twins are graduating soon.
Then comes the actual day, of them in blue robes, yellow ribboned hats, listening to speeches about youthful memories, and the shining future yet to be written.
Childe doesn't know anything about her after that. Not if she got back together with him, or what major she decided to pursue. He wouldn't bring it up to Aether either. As far as he know Aether didn't even know they broke up. He didn't want to explain how he knows, or why he's interested in her dating status either. It's just best to keep his mouth shut.
She ignored him completely for a semester, but he found her locker almost full with gifts of anonymous admirers and loving wishes from her juniors. So he bought a bouquet of inteyvats and placed it with the others, with a card of an alias only she knew of.
He never knew what happened to it. Maybe she gets it, maybe her brother throw those things off before she ever saw them. Maybe she's just not interested in looking through the stuff.
A year later and it was his turn with the blue robes and yellow ribboned hats. It was pretty festive considering he does has a fairly wonderful reputation at school.
He went back to Snezhnaya for college, majoring in trades, hoping to start a career at their biggest bank.
He lived a relatively quiet life there. By his third year in college, people started to wonder why he remained stubbornly single. He doesn't know what to say, no one compares to the attraction he felt to his god, and he doesn't expect anyone to understand.
In his final year, he saw Lumine on the street of Snezhnaya's metropolitan area. She entered the main branch to Northland Bank, in a suit and heels. He almost got hit by two cars.
He waited for her to finish her overtime, a quarter past nine, and when she finally came out, he stood up so quickly his head spins dangerously yet he could not give a care.
Her breath hitched at his sight, he approached her and it felt restless, hopeful and awkward at the same. it was exhilarating for the both of them.
But she reached out to his arm by his side, then to hid torso, and she melts herself to him, hiding her face in his coat.
"I'm sorry Ajax, I'm so sorry." Muffled under her breath, and she sighed out of relief when he squeezed her gently. All is forgiven, he is hers again.
Poetically, snow starts to fall as they reunited once more in Snezhnaya.
Guess who wrote a chilumi one shot instead of her 5 master's degree admission essay? not me, can't relate