Chapter Five

It only took a few minutes to arrive in front of her house. "Take it easy. Mrs. F, you know he means well."

She gave a small smile and nodded. "Goodnight, Mort. Thank you." She exited the car and he stayed until she was inside.

Jessica didn't bother checking her messages but went upstairs to her bedroom instead.

Her world had turned surreal. She was in a fog. She went through the motions of her day. She took to giving her house a thorough cleaning. She organized closets, she rearranged furniture, she vacuumed, mopped, and swept all her floors. She polished, she sorted linens, and scrubbed her bathrooms. She didn't accept Seth's offer of a ride to the theater. She took a cab there and back, refusing offers from others. She reread her script whenever she wasn't needed on the set, avoiding others. Her face was blank and emotionless. The thought of malicious gossip about her was only surprising because it wasn't a media instigated event but from her friends and neighbors. That hurt.

Thursday night, the night before the play opened, they had a full rehearsal in costumes and without stopping. Everyone knew their lines but the acting was terrible. Stilted voices, wooden voices, stuttering voices. The reality of the play opening the next night was terrifying to Jessica. The nerves of the cast were taut as they stumbled through the rehearsal. The director wanted to pull his hair out but they slogged through and he urged them all to get a good night's rest when rehearsal was over.

Jessica had a hair appointment at Loretta's first thing Friday morning and then she went home and isolated herself. All week she had been thinking about her love for Seth. She couldn't unlove him but she would need to figure out how to handle it from this point forward. He was giving her space for now but she didn't expect it to last. He was probably doing it because of the play anyway. The blasted play. Oh, how she wished she never got involved with it.

There was a buzz in the air Friday evening. Opening night was sold out. The cast was nervous with anticipation and the director was calling out last minute instructions. The cast was called to their places and suddenly the curtain was opening. A piano was softly playing background music as the pilgrims began a slow trod and settled by some rocks. Words spoken by others were just a buzz in Jessica's ears. The spotlight shone on Jessica as she stood and began her speech. The crowd was mesmerized. She spoke so eloquently. She spoke of love and desire, of a quest for women's role in life. She spoke of her husbands, her longings, and what women really wanted from life. So beseeching was her speech that even the cast was spellbound. Jessica felt like she was speaking to Seth, finding the words she could never say to him.

The applause was spontaneous and thunderous when she finished and she sat on her rock looking to others as they spoke their lines. Intermission was after Act Three and there was a thirty minute break for the cast to make use of the facilities if needed or to drink water. Mavis congratulated her and told her she was moved to tears when Jessica spoke.

The play ended and everyone took a bow. Flowers were given to the major actors and even some minor ones. Jessica quickly removed her costume and put on her street clothes. She wiped off her makeup and went outside where her cab was waiting. She didn't want to speak with anyone. She felt like she bared her soul and she was feeling vulnerable and exposed.

Arriving home, she went straight upstairs, locking up and turning out all the lights. She didn't want to think about the play, the gossip, or even Seth. She crawled into bed and slept.

Seth couldn't find Jessica after the play. Everyone was looking for her, wanting to congratulate her performance. Seth felt like she was speaking to his very essence. He eventually left. He drove by her house but all the lights were off. Her words had pierced his heart and he had to face his guilt for being jealous.

Roger waylaid Jessica when she entered the theater Saturday at noon. He had been impressed with her acting. She hadn't performed nearly as well during any of the rehearsals and he wanted to let her know he'd love to do another one with her. The reviews were overwhelmingly positive and now even Sunday night's show was sold out. The town council was asking him if there was any way they could add additional shows.

Jessica was exhausted when she arrived home Saturday night. It was nearly midnight and she didn't bother removing her makeup before leaving the theater this time. Her performances were just as moving as the first time and even Eve came up to her and told her she was wonderful. Sunday evening the show was once again applauded as the best play Cabot Cove ever did. It was also announced an encore final showing would occur Friday night. People from other towns were clamoring for tickets now since the word was out that it was a rousing success.

Jessica spoke with Mavis about doing the Friday night show, to give her a head's up, and she agreed before Jessica spoke to Roger. The director was in his element. He had been approached by a couple of larger venues about directing so cast changes were dealt with efficiently. He decided not to announce Jessica wouldn't be in the play until Thursday evening. He didn't want a public outcry.

A few days in her garden was just what Jessica needed. It only took three days to set everything right. The weeding and potting took a few hours and then she began to get her wardrobe together for her vacation. She had decided on Colorado to spend a week in the mountains near Gunnison, and then on to Los Angeles for a week of shopping before spending six weeks in Hawaii.

She knew Thursday night's rehearsal would be the first time the news about her understudy, Mavis, doing the part would be announced so she left Thursday afternoon for Portland and took the train into Boston that evening.

Seth let Jessica have her space but as soon as the play ended, he was going to speak with her. He felt awful for upsetting her and they needed to clear the air. Her performance on opening night was awe inspiring. He couldn't believe she was a novice actor. He knew she had been practicing on her own but she had moved many of the cast to tears with her speech. He ached to tell her how much he loved her. He was sorry he was jealous of her time with Mort even as he realized it was his fault for abandoning her.

Thursday evening he was surprised when it was announced she wouldn't be in the show the next evening. It might be a conflict in her schedule but he didn't think so. As soon as rehearsal ended he rushed to her house but it was buttoned up tight. She was gone and she didn't even say goodbye.

A month later Seth locked up his practice for the evening and went upstairs to pack. He had gotten it out of Phyllis where Jessica was staying and he was going to meet her in Hawaii. He could only spend a week, not because of his practice but because it was so expensive. He willingly spent the money however.

Jessica was on the beach. She came out each morning just to recline in a chair and stare at the ocean. She sat under an umbrella with a large straw hat on her head and sunglasses. She sat until lunchtime which she had at any of the restaurants dotting the beach. Then she returned to the beach chair to stare until sundown. Her thoughts were on her mind and if a tear or two fell, she didn't know anyone there so it didn't matter.

This morning was no different. She sat in her chair until someone stood in front of her blocking the sun. Seth.

He knelt in the sand beside her and grasped her hands. "Good morning, Jess." He gave her a weak smile. "Why did you run off?"

"I didn't run off, Seth. I didn't agree to do a fifth show and you knew I was going on vacation." She was happy she had on her sunglasses.

"You left without a goodbye, Jess." Seth allowed his hurt feelings to show.

She nodded. She did leave without speaking to him.

"I always thought we could talk about anything."

"And you've been honest with me?" she asked. "No secrets, no unshared thoughts? We talk about everything on your mind?"

"It's not much of a secret." Seth shifted his position. His swim trunks and the Hawaiian shirt he wore was making him too warm already. He was silent for a minute. "I love you, Jess. I'm in love with you as you probably know and I don't know how you feel about it."

She remained silent so he continued talking. "On opening night, I know everyone has told you how brilliant you were but I felt like you were speaking only to me. I felt it here." He pointed at his heart. "I would have chosen you however you wanted. Young or old, you'll always be beautiful to me."

"I wanted to be in the play because I wanted to spend time with you but it seemed like the odds were against us. Oh, it started out wonderful. Practicing lines, learning how to act, how to project my voice, being with you." She turned to stare at the ocean again. "The play resounded with me, Seth. It spoke the words I wanted to say. I want to love. I want to be intimate. I want to be filled with desire for someone but for personal fulfillment as well as sharing my life with someone. I want someone to know me, the way Frank did. Know my needs and urges and wants. Know how to please me and allow me to please in return." She turned back to look at him. "I love you and I'm not willing to be second to anyone. We've been friends for a long time but I don't like games or accusations. Love me or don't but without trust it won't ever be what it could become."

"I have a tendency to project my fears and take the cowardly way out, Jess. I do love you and want to know you in that special way. I want to love you the way you need to be loved if you'll allow me." He lifted her hand and kissed it.

"Which hotel are you staying in?" asked Jessica, abruptly changing the subject.

"The same as yours," answered Seth. At her raised eyebrows, Seth defended his actions. "Phyllis told me where she booked you and I wanted to be near."

Jessica shrewdly calculated how much it was costing him. "Check out and you can stay with me," she offered.

"Jess, I can afford a week out here," he looked affronted.

"It's a waste of money," she argued. "I'm not in my room much."

It didn't take long for Seth to switch rooms. It was nice not having to spend all that money since it was one of the nicer hotels. He was unsure what was expected of him. Her room was large but there was only one bed. A king sized one but still only one bed.

It was actually a very pleasant week. Long walks on the beach, dancing on the sand in the evenings hosted by various eating establishments. Jessica was correct. She didn't spend much time in her room. She sat staring at the water or walking along the beach. He had apologized and she accepted it but he could tell something was troubling her.

They shared a bed but only in the literal sense. When he tried to speak to her she kept the topics shallow. Now that she admitted to loving him, he thought they would have deeper discussions. She didn't hug or kiss him when she said goodnight. She stayed on her side of the bed while he stayed on his. She dressed in the bathroom or if he was in the bathroom, she dressed in the bedroom.

"How long are you staying here, Jess?" he asked one morning. "I'll be leaving in two days."

"I'll be here another three weeks," she replied.

"I'm hoping we can clear the air before I leave," he put forth. "Can we talk about it?"

"Seth, you can't blame me for wanting to protect my heart." She frowned. "It's not easy opening yourself up to pain, being vulnerable to someone that has the ability to make you miserable."

"What are we going to do?" He asked softly.

"We? What are WE going to do?" she put her hands on her hips. "We aren't going to do anything. What are you going to do?" She gathered up her hat and sunglasses and put her room key in her pocket.

Seth watched her leave. He knew she was going to the beach to sit in a chair and stare at the water again. He would join her a few minutes later.

Seth didn't know what to do. Jessica wasn't being demanding or pushy. She spoke to him about any number of things although she wouldn't say much about the play or her performance. She couldn't be asking for guarantees. Was she saying she didn't want a relationship?

Jessica sat in a chair on the balcony to their room. It was sunset and the colors were spectacular. She heard Seth come out and join her. He pulled her from her chair and led her to the railing. He stood behind her with his arms around her waist and his chin on her shoulder. She leaned back against him as they enjoyed a peaceful respite.

As darkness wrapped itself around them, they turned to go inside. Seth would be leaving in the morning.

"I don't like leaving things unresolved, Jess." Seth was packing his suitcase, removing his things from the dresser drawers.

"We can talk when I return home, Seth. I want to think things through," she answered.

"Seems to me that's all you've been doing," he commented.

"I have a lot to sort through," stated Jessica. "I didn't have a timeline."

Seth cleared his throat. "I'm afraid I'll lose you," he admitted. He kept tossing items in his suitcase without looking at her.

"Seth," began Jessica. She realized she didn't have the words to say what she felt so she walked over and placed her hand on his arm to stop him for a minute. He was forced to look at her.

Her eyes were bright as though tears were nearby. "You won't lose me," she said quietly.

"Yes, well…" His voice was gruff. "I'm sure sorry your theatrical debut wasn't a positive experience."

"I think I'll stick to literature as my chosen art or maybe I'll take up painting." She moved away from him so he could continue packing.

She rode with him to the airport the following morning. He checked in his baggage and they walked over to security. Since she couldn't go further, they stood off to the side for a few minutes.

"Thank you for coming out, Seth. It was good seeing you." Seth pulled her closer, out of the way of pedestrians that were streaming toward them.

"I'll pick you up from the airport when you come home," he said. His eyes were warm as he looked at her. "Stay safe, Jess." He was feeling unsure of himself. He wanted to kiss her or at least give her a hug but he wasn't sure it would be welcomed. She took the decision of his hands when she leaned forward and kissed his cheek before giving him a quick hug.

"Take care, Seth." She watched him as he joined the long line moving slowly toward the conveyor belts. She stayed until he passed through security and was soon out of sight.