The man who would soon be known as 'Sensei' let out a deep, tired sigh as he unlocked the door to his house, a bundle of envelopes and a rather cozy scarf in his arms. In the heart of rural Iowa, its most outstanding features would be its well-kept garden and an expertly-weaved doormat, the phrase 'NO PLACE LIKE HOME, BABY' lovingly embroidered onto it.
Some would say it was a boring little thing, especially compared to the sprawling farms of his neighbors and especially compared to the life he used to live, but it was a lived-in and well-loved loved home. He had learned that those were what truly mattered in life.
"Damn," the man grunted, voice smooth and deep as he deposited the keys to his truck into a cat-themed bowl by the door. "I didn't realize that I'd be out so long knitting with the ladies. Oh honey, I'm home!"
He let out a chuckle that awkwardly tapered off into the darkness. Damn, she might've been gone for a year and some change now, but he still missed her like it was only yesterday...
Letting out another forlorn sigh, he shook his head and turned the lights on, bathing the house in a warm orange glow. Making his way over to the living room, he sat down on an old and somewhat flat couch and dumped today's mail on the table.
"Let's see here...junk, junk, ad...offer from the pigs?" he scoffed, tossing that specific envelope on the side. "Fat chance, but I could do with a laugh these days. Everyone knows that this cowboy has left for greener pastures...literally."
The offers were good, he'd never be able to deny that. But the time for cash, hot babes, and cigars had long passed him, and he had no desire to come crawling back to the life he willingly gave up. He might still be a six-foot-four mass of muscle and sex appeal, but he'd seen countless generations of soldiers pass him by. Nobody wanted to see some old fuddy-duddy soldier like him anymore when the new kids on the block had shinier toys and more badass stunts compared to what he brought to the table.
If those alien bastards wanted to tussle with some of the new meat, so be it...as long as they didn't fuck with his turf. He rubbed the stubble lining his jaw, looking at a weathered photograph of himself and his wife on their wedding day.
Once upon a time, he was jealous about this sorta thing. He knew some of these guys when they were still babies pissing their britches. He was one of the first, damnit, how could they leave him behind? Couldn't he get a bone thrown to him once in a while? Didn't he deserve it?
But then he remembered the wise words of the woman who he promised the rest of his life to. He remembered how she told him that he wasn't just his fame or his body count, that she'd always love him even when they turned old and gray...and that she'd always be in his corner even when no one else was. The good times and the bad times, how they made each other laugh with the little things...
I'm sorry, babe. If there was anyone I had to save...
Taking off his sunglasses to scrub at his eyes, the man took a deep, shuddering breath. Once, he would have been ashamed to feel this way. That he could face himself like this, unravel his grief in a way that was painful yet constructive, was yet another thing that he had to thank her for.
"Alright, enough sittin' on my ass like some two-bit chump," he grunted after what seemed to be a long minute. "The night's still young and so am I damnit. Call me Tinder, 'cuz I got a date with some goddamn iron before followin' it up with a little positivity spreading on the Internet. Booyah."
And so, said prospective Sensei got up, turned around, and promptly dropped to the floor like a blonde sack of bricks.
Duke Nukem had disappeared in a shower of light, and with his departure came the end of an era.
...
That was kind of rough, wasn't it? Sorry hon...
Duke groaned, the sound of light laughter filtering through his brain. As soon as he recognized just how painfully familiar it was, he shot up with a gasp. A quick scan of his immediate surroundings told him that he was sitting in a train car, and right across from him...?
"B-Babe?!"
Hey Duke, his lovely wife smiled, her lips unmoving even as her voice echoed around him. I know it's been a while. I'm so sorry.
"I-I...babe, is this a dream? Where- w-what happened to...is this some sorta prank or somethin'?!" Duke stuttered, his composure lost as he stared at his lovely wife's bloodied form. So many questions buzzed through his brain that he could barely even think. Where had she been? Was any of this even real? Was he speaking to a damn ghost?
Who shot her, and how hard could he drive his boot into that dirty motherfucker's scum-sucking mouth?
The entire story is too long for me to tell, his wife shook her head. But no, Duke, it isn't. Dated for three and married for seven, right?
Duke blinked. Correct down to the specifics, as she always was. There was a niggling thought in the back of his mind that this still could be an alien ploy, but he didn't put much stock into it. A real man always has his wife's back, and she always had his.
That day I disappeared was the day I was sent...somewhere else.
"Somewhere else..." Duke muttered, brows furrowing before shooting upwards. "So those alien bastards took you...!"
No, not quite.
"Oh. Well. Damn."
As good a try as any, she shrugged casually. I was transported for a...teaching job. Kind of. But, okay, this is gonna sound kind of crazy-
"Like your mom kind of crazy?"
She squinted at him, cheeks puffed up like an angry squirrel. There was nothing wrong with my mom!
"Babe, she chased me around with a broom calling me a-"
Soul-stealing tighty-whitey incubus, I know... His wife slumped in her seat, a silent groan leaving her lips. Look, this isn't important, let's just talk about what I've been doing these last couple of years!
Duke tilted his head, and she steepled her fingers before beginning the explanation. Think of a teaching job at an all-girls school, except everyone is a superhuman armed to the gills. Oh, and every school was like a little state in itself. Oh, and...uh...I was basically a mini-President working under the mega-President of the city.
"...What the fuck?"
I know, right?
"If it was anyone else, I'd've called all that shit a load of baloney," Duke shook his head and smirked. "So, did one of them do this to you?"
That is a little complicated, most of the kiddos I taught liked me and the Prez, his wife grinned proudly. But it...wasn't enough to prevent the end of the world, unfortunately, her grin quickly turned sheepish, which is why you're here. Sweetheart, I'm cashing in all those favors I built over the course of our marriage to ask you...
"I'm in. Damnit, babe, you know how hard it is to say no to you..." Duke Nukem, savior of the Earth multiple times over, instantly surrendered.
To avert the tragic fate of Kivo- oh. Huh. Guess I forgot I married the most awesome guy in the world, huh?
His wife shot him a gentle smile, and damn if it didn't make him feel like a billionaire. More of a billionaire than he already was, in any case.
Well, I'd say you'll forget these words, but I have a feeling you won't. You're just too badass for that, right? I don't have much time left, so let me tell you something before you go off on another adventure in a different universe.
She leaned forward, love and grief waging war on her face. There wasn't a day in our marriage where I wasn't happy as all hell. As bad as I feel about shunting all of this onto you, I know you'll do the city right. You'll do my students right. You'll do my legacy right, too, even if nobody but you will remember it.
Getting up, the late wife of Duke Nukem appeared in front of him and gently cupped his cheeks, pressing her forehead to his. The couple near instinctively closed their eyes, and Duke refused to hold back his tears as soon as he felt her hands again.
Adulthood, responsibility, obligation...the choices we make that extend beyond those ideals. All that and more we pass onto the next generation, to mold them into something better than what we ever could be. I trust that you'll succeed where I and the President failed. I love you, Duke Nukem. And at the end of the road, when you're old and wrinkly and it's time to go? I'll be there to take you home. You've earned it. We'll go on our own adventure till the end of time, honey.
"I...I don't think I knew what real happiness was 'till you said yes that day, baby..." Duke gasped, a meaty hand rising up to gently grasp her own. This was goodbye, he knew it deep in his heart, and he wanted to make sure every last word counted. "I've got an assload of questions, and even I'm not sure I can get into this whole teaching gig perfectly...but I get it. If this is your last wish, then I'm a goddamn genie." He gently began stroking the back of her quivering hand with his thumb. "I love you, and I missed you every day you were gone. Wait for me, baby, I'll be takin' the long road to you."
Of course, his wife sniffled, a lone tear trailing down her bloodstained cheek. I missed you too, Duke. Give 'em hell for me, soldier.
"You bet your sweet spectral ass I will."
"...sei."
"That the dinner bell?"
"Sensei. Wake up."
Afraid so. You a bad enough dude to save the city?
"Sensei...!"
Duke snorted. Of course she'd use their last moments together (for now) to be a huge dork.
"Let's find out."
He made sure to burn that last radiant smile of hers into his memory as the world faded to black.
"Duke-sensei!"
Groaning, Duke woke up for the second time today (was it the same day?) and slowly opened his eyes. Touching his cheeks, he found that there was no trace of his earlier tears on them...yet he still remembered his wife's touch. Her laughter. Her smile.
Despite the situation, he felt himself smiling.
Kickass. Guess she was right again.
"Are you...alright?" the young woman asked, tilting her head. She had pointed ears, like those wood hippie guys in that tabletop game his wife liked.
"You were sound asleep, but you had this pained expression on your face..."
Elves, that's it. She looked like an elf. Neato.
"Don't you worry your pretty little head over me, ba- uh, miss. Just had the nicest dream in a while, met up with someone I hadn't seen in a long time."
"I see," the woman nodded, face now impassive. She seemed like a real stick-in-the-ass bureaucrat, but Duke kept any sign of that thought to himself. She was just some kid, and for all he knew she could be a real sweetheart off the job.
"Now that you're awake, I'll go over the situation again. My name is Nanakami Rin, and I'm a General Student Council officer from Kivotos, the Academy City."
Nodding, Duke stood up, smirked, and held his hand out.
"The name's Duke Nukem. I'm here to teach some kids, save some lives, and kick some ass."
Hail to the king, baby.
A/N: Holy shit it has been at minimum 3 years since I've uploaded onto FF and it's a BA/Nukem crosspost from AO3. I remember when there was only one platform for me...
Well, if you do ever stumble across the version on AO3 you can read the post-chapter notes there and it's the same thing, except the uploading format on FF is going to be different. Rather than upload a series of individual fics, I'll simply compress all of them into this fic so as to not bloat the category like some asshole. I'm sure you all know the drill by now from the other younguns on the block: leave a comment, I love feedback, thanks for reading.
(If you do somehow remember I used to post things on this website, don't worry, I have been working on something on the side for one story in particular...but that's neither here nor there for this fic, isn't it?)
