Verity
"Recruits, keep moving with the horses," squad leader Dirk yelled, flying above the soldiers who were pulling the horses closer to the Wall.
I trailed behind him, keeping a safe enough distance from Levi, whose annoyance with me was palpable.
"Two more small ones coming from the east!" the lookout yelled.
I jerked myself to a stop, clinging to a half-collapsed roof while I surveyed the scene. Two titans rounded the corner, sprinting with all their might to the soldiers, retreating with the horses. Their hands flailed in the air as they ran, mouths hanging agape and eyes rolling madly. As disgusting as they came.
I launched myself off the roof and headed in their direction. Levi was ahead of me, already nearing the first titan when I'd just taken off. Unwilling to solidify his belief of my uselessness, I sped up, going for a low swing of the closest building and around the titan's legs. When I flew past him, I shot my hooks into its nape and pulled myself up. The titan was dealt with in one clean swing, and I rushed away from the blinding steam of a decaying carcass. I landed on the nearest roof, wiping the blood off my face. Captain soon joined me and gave me a short once-over that would've irritated me had I not known that his scowling face was just a mask of worry.
Turning away, he shouted, addressing the rest of the soldiers. "Finish killing the small ones already! Get it done before the Beast Titan moves! And don't you dare get eaten!" He half-turned to me, sending a glare my way. "You too."
I huffed, replacing my dull blades with a new set from my ODM. "Wasn't planning on it. Unless you decide that we need to check out the insides of a titan's stomach."
"Then I would just cut the fucker open from the outside," the Captain replied, facing me, one brow raised. My cheeks heated, and I looked away. There was no point in trying to win a bickering match against him. I didn't know what I was expecting. "I mean it, Verity. Don't you fucking dare get hurt, you hear me?"
His rough and deep voice, full of quiet suggestions and sinful ideas, made my skin prickle. I bit my lip, forcing down completely untimely visuals that sprung into my mind as if they were just waiting for a reason to plague me again. Returning Captain's intense gaze, I said with as much conviction and certainty as possible. "Yes, Captain."
Levi's eyes narrowed, and his jaw worked. I couldn't resist a small smile at his reaction, but before he could criticize me, a soldier landed on the roof near us, cutting our glaring contest short.
"This area is all mopped up," the soldier reported, wiping blood off his face with a sleeve. "The only ones left to eliminate are way up at the front."
I followed the soldier's gaze to the line of titans, frowning. "It doesn't look like the Beast Titan's got any intention of budging from that spot."
"That's true," Levi said. "Looks like the big guy's a coward. Not that he ever had any balls to begin with."
"Captain, we can finish off the rest of the runts ourselves. Save the energy for that bastard," he sent another look toward the Beast Titan and jumped off, calling other soldiers to follow him. I watched him go, touched by this small act of kindness and foresight.
"I really hope he makes it," I found myself saying. Captain glanced at me in question and followed my gaze to the fighting soldiers.
"I hope we all do."
The ground suddenly shook, and the overwhelmingly loud explosion went off inside the walls. I flung my arms, catching my balance, as the house underneath our feet wobbled. Levi and I stared at the Wall.
"Shit," he said.
"You think everyone's alright?" I asked, sudden fear shaking my voice. I looked at the Captain, needing to hear his bored tone as he said something along the lines of 'Of course, they are' or 'Who do you think trained them, brat' or 'If they aren't, I'll kick their asses myself,' when my eyes caught a movement in my periphery. A small stone flew by us fast enough that it barely registered. I stared as it went straight through the wall of a two-floor building behind us as if it was made out of hay and not solid, albeit old, brick.
Something crashed into me the next moment, and I toppled off the roof. Strong arms curled around me as we fell. The ground crashed into my side, making me whimper from the shocking pain. Levi groaned on top of me as he covered my body with his. For a moment there, I was utterly confused at what was happening. But then I heard the screams, followed by the continuous onslaught of crashes and bangs. The ground shook underneath me, and the dust and pebbles covered the air. Small and big stones flew like canon fires, ripping through the buildings as if they were made out of paper.
When everything finally went quiet, Levi moved, getting off me and cursing loudly.
"What was that?" I asked hoarsely, staring at the splashes of red on the nearby buildings. It looked like a giant bucket of red paint had overturned above the town, coloring the streets. My hands shook as I attempted to stand on the unfeeling legs. This could not be happening. This could not be our men.
"He threw stones at us," Levi answered, his tone dark and menacing. Terror gripped my throat in an iron fist. What chances did we stand if one titan could kill more than a quarter of our man with a single attack? Was it pointless? Was it where we would all find our demise? "Damn it! Get down!" Levi yelled, jerking me out of my dark thoughts. He rushed to me again, grabbed me by my waist, and engaged ODM, zapping us out of the direct hit and behind one of the buildings.
The crashing followed. It sounded as though the sky was about to fall on our heads. But the screams… They were what made it unbearable. People died, begging for help, screaming in pain and fury. And we couldn't do anything. We were helpless. Blood ran down the outer walls of the houses, dripping from the slanted roofs like raindrops, as we hid in the alleyway like children. Unbearable and utterly helpless. It made me sick to my stomach, pushing the fear away.
Captain stood beside me, hands clenched into fists, staring into a stream of dripping blood from the roof drain. His face was pale, and his eyes big. Blood stains covered his previously pristine clothing, and a few smears ran across his cheek and neck. But it wasn't his outward look that alarmed me. It was the expression of pure agony on his face. It was one thing for me to feel helpless—I'd felt like that for most of my life. But it was entirely different for him. The weight of responsibility he carried was far greater than I could ever wish to comprehend. Contrary to what others who didn't know him believed, he cared for his men more than anyone I'd ever known. Even Hange would stifle her hurt and continue living like nothing had happened. It probably weighed on her more than she let show, but it was still different. I knew he took a loss of life too close to heart.
The only thing my Captain couldn't stand was lack of control. And the sudden death was the epiphany of that.
He didn't wait for me to follow when the crashing finally quieted. He jumped and wooshed onto the closest building to survey the situation. I didn't have to follow to guess what it looked like over there. He gave it one glance and sprinted over to another roof. "Move, now!" He yelled out to everyone in the close vicinity. I followed him to the roofs, trying not to slip on the blood and fall to my death. "Take the horses and retreat to the wall."
"Yes, sir!" Soldiers yelled back, hurrying away under the next downpour of stone and debris.
"Move! Stay out of the line of fire!" Levi ordered, flying just above the running men. I trailed behind him, watching our backs for any further attacks.
The soldiers ran in a frenzy. Disorreyed, they scattered about, pulling at the horse's reins with all their might. Some let go of them altogether, opting to save themselves rather than obey a direct command. I couldn't blame them. Fear could twist a mind into doing unspeakable things, let alone abandoning duty.
My gaze caught on a red-haired man, who fell to his knees on the pebbled road and just sat there as if in a trance. Others ran around him, avoiding the man like a running stream would a stone. The soldier reached up, covering his ears and shaking visibly. My gut twisted when I drew near enough to recognize who it was. Flock.
Levi noticed him, too, and acted faster than me, landing and pulling Flock up by his collar. "You wanna die?! Get up!" Levi growled at the guy. That got him to finally move his feet. He made one shaking step, then another. After a few more, he was running.
Levi met my gaze briefly when I landed and, without a word, motioned to follow him as we both set into a sprint toward the Wall.
"How's it looking?" Levi asked, just as Commander Erwin descended from the Wall.
My stomach churned at the meticulously sculpted stoic expression the Commander wore. He didn't have to speak for me to know. Everything was as bad as it looked from down here.
"Terrible. The front line of houses is gone. He decimated them. If he keeps throwing those, everything will be leveled. We won't have anything left to hide behind."
Soldiers circled us, listening to his words intently.
"And we can't retreat to the other side of the wall?" Levi asked calmly.
"No. The Colossal titan is already heading this way, setting fire to everything in his path. Theoretically, we could scale the Wall to evade the stones, but the horses can't. We retreat here, and there's no hope for victory."
"What happened to Hange's group?" I asked, unable to stifle my rising worry. "Is Eren all right?"
"I don't know. Most of them are gone. Caught up when the explosion occurred. We've sustained a great many casualties. The beast titan directed the small titans in such a way that our soldiers would group up in one place. Dirk Squad, Marlene Squad, and Klaus Squad were engaging the small titans, which put them in the line of fire when he launched the bombardment. They were all wiped out." Erwin said.
The horror written all over the faces of my comrades made me sick. I had to get away, if even for a moment. I had to pull myself together before I could do anything else.
Just as I made to turn away and step out of the tightly grouped circle around the Commander, more crashes sounded. The ground shook, with the buildings being smashed into debris. Pieces of concrete cracked and broke off under the force of the Beast titan's throw. Screams ripped the air as the rest of the lookout was wiped out while we stood there, chatting. Each of those shouts seemed to break my skin like a masterfully wielded whiplash. The devastation and the sheer fear hidden within the voices of my dying comrades washed over me like a cold wave, overshadowing my own terror. My senses went dead as those screams played in my head on repeat. My vision blurred, and the sparks of red colored the edges. I'd spent my whole fucking life surviving with no particular goal in sight. Yet, now it seemed like the exact opposite of that. I'd suddenly realized that I would much rather cut my life short if it meant that I could leave a mark on the world behind me. If I could save even one innocent soul...
The stones flew above our heads, and soldiers around me screamed out, ducking and falling to the ground. I watched as the Wall's outside layer cracked when hit, the flecks of concrete sheathing off.
"So what now? Do you have any kind of plan?" Levi asked as more and more stones crashed into the buildings around us. I didn't care to listen to the Commander's reply. What kind of plan one could muster in a situation like this? We were fucked, and I didn't feel like listening to the confirmation of that.
As I walked off, a shout caught my attention. Marlo stood above the kneeling Flock, who held his head in his hands.
"It's our job to guard the horses! Why'd let yours run away?" Marlo grabbed Flock by the shoulders and shook him.
"Shut up! Like it even matters now." Flock bit back, shoving away his teammate's hands.
"What?" Marlo asked, looking shocked.
"Those other scouts were insanely strong, and all of them died in an instant! What chance do we have where they failed? There's no reason to guard the horses. Because there's not gonna be anyone left to ride them home!" Flock cried out, dropping his hands and lifting his head. I expected to see fear or sadness on his face, but he looked mad. I kneeled beside him and reached out to grab his arm. Floch didn't seem to notice. "There was a point when it all made sense. If everyone just cowered behind the Walls and waited, then someday, titans would come out of nowhere and wipe us out. It was obvious that someone needed to bite the bullet and fight. It would be dangerous, yeah, but the soldiers who did it would be risking their lives to protect their loved ones. So when the recruiter asked us, 'Which of you has the courage?' I actually thought I could do it. Thought I'd be some kind of hero. I didn't get it. I didn't know. I thought that if I died, it would at least have some meaning… But it won't. It didn't for the others. They're just gone." His voice broke at the end, and my heart squeezed painfully at the naked truth behind his words. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I could practically taste his desperation as he poured his fear into his speech. "You know what? I bet almost everyone ends up having that same final thought. I was so stupid for coming here. Why did I think I'd be any different?"
"Because you are different," I spoke softly. Flock turned his head, looking surprised to see me sitting beside him. "Joining with the scouts, coming here — it takes courage. Standing up against the enemy and trying to protect those who can't or won't do it themselves is a heroic act. Your reasoning behind it doesn't matter. Neither do your emotions about it right now. You're already here and doing something that would break most."
"It doesn't matter," Flock replied, his voice quivering with emotions. "We will all die here for nothing. In the end, me joining with the scouts was pointless if I just died on my first mission guarding the fucking horses."
I sighed, blinking rapidly to hold back the unwanted tears. It was as though Floch could read my thoughts and speak them out loud for me to hear. In truth, I didn't know what to reply. I didn't have the right answers. And most of those I did have, had been squashed alongside half of our men with the thrown stones. All that was left were the regrets I desperately fought to stifle down.
"It only matters if you make it so. You came here because you wanted your life to hold meaning. Is your life over right this moment? You still have time. Then do something with it." Floch flinched at my harsh words, and my heart pinched with regrets. "We are all afraid, Floch. We all hope that our lives hold some meaning. But what choice do we have but to fight for survival? If not our own, then at least that of people behind the Walls. It's as you said: if we didn't come out to fight first, the titans would've found their way inside the Walls eventually. Our choices are bleak, but you and I, all of us here, made the same one. We came here to fight back no matter the cost. It makes everyone here a hero in their own right. Your death will have meaning. Because your life has meaning. Because your choices matter. You matter."
Those words, spoken so calmly, rang with the hidden emotion. I could barely get them out, but I knew I had to. This was all that I kept thinking about while fighting with my own hysteria deep down. These were the words I'd told myself so that I could keep on going. God knows, but I needed them. And now, Floch needed me to say them.
"I don't want to die," he whispered, biting his lower lip to stop it from trembling. I pulled him into a hug, ignoring the tiny sting of fear at the close contact with another person. Right now, I needed someone to hold me just as Floch needed someone to hold him.
"I know," I whispered back, looking over his head and meeting Levi's gaze. He stood alone, and a few steps away from him, Commander sat on the old wooden crate, his head hanging low. Besides the deep frown and darkened circles under his eyes, Levi's expression was unreadable. I knew he was struggling to keep his rage under control and already mourning the losses of the Scout's corp. I could see my own worry reflected in his eyes, and I could feel his stone-clad determination to fight no matter what. Fight until the last breath leaves his body. Until the last remaining titan breaks into a puff of steam. Until the Beast titan pays for all the suffering he'd caused.
As if he saw what he needed to, he turned away from me and headed to the Commander. Levi kneeled in front of Erwin. I couldn't see his face anymore, but his posture was rigid. Commander lifted his head and looked at Levi, speaking in a quiet voice. Only after Levi replied did the Commander's expression shift, and I knew — the decision had been made.
Releasing Floch, I stood up just as Levi broke off from the Commander and headed to me. I met him halfway, as a stinging ball of unease churned in the pit of my stomach, telling me something that I already knew but refused to accept.
Levi didn't stop as he reached me. He clasped my palm in his hand and turned, pulling me away from the prying eyes of the soldiers and behind the ruins of the closest building, just out of sight. When we turned the corner, the unease in my stomach turned into a full-on panic. It didn't sting anymore. It fucking burned now.
Levi faced me, grabbing me by my shoulders and looking into my eyes as if it was the last time he got to do so. The carefully sculpted mask had fallen off his face, and for the first time since I'd known him, I felt like I finally got to see the real Levi. He looked pained, scared, furious, exhausted, wretched. All of the emotions swarmed deep in the depths of his stormy eyes, leaving me breathless with the realization of what he was not telling me. So, instead of speaking, I wrapped my hands around his neck and pulled him close. His hands came to my waist, hesitantly at first. But in the next second, he was hugging me back for dear life, leaving bruises on my hips and waist with his tight grip. He dipped his head, hiding his face in my hair, breathing in deep, shaky breaths.
"You will go with Erwin and the rest of the scouts. You will ride toward the titans and feign an attack while I..."
And he will take on the Beast titan. It was a solid suicidal plan. The best we could hope for. So unhinged that it might as well work. However, I understood what he wasn't saying. This most likely was the last time we would see each other because hoping for both of us to survive would be as unhinged as hoping for this plan to work.
This was the end for us.
This was a goodbye.
"I love you," I whispered, hiding my face in the crook of his shoulder and neck. Levi tensed, but in the next moment, he was hugging me even tighter. "I have for a while. I was a fool for not telling you this months prior." My eyes burned, and my breaths turned shaky. A few tears rolled down my cheeks and soaked into Levi's shirt. "At least I said it until…"
He broke off the hug and peered into my face, holding me by the shoulders. "Stop speaking as if this is a goodbye," he growled in a low voice. "You'll come out of this alive. It's an order! You hear me?!" The volume of his voice rose until it was just short of a scream. Hysterical laughter bubbled up inside my chest as the tears kept rolling down my cheeks in a downpour. "Promise me." He said, his face growing softer as he rubbed some of the tears away with his thumbs. "Promise me you'll do everything in your power to come back alive."
A painfully pathetic sob broke out from my chest. I closed my eyes, trying, fighting, to calm down but failing miserably. "I will. If you promise the same thing back."
Levi huffed. "Stupid brat. The skies will come crashing down before that hairy bastard gets the better of me." Some of that hysterical laughter came back, and I chuckled through the tears. "Now stop crying. It's disgusting."
"Sorry," I said, lowering my head and wiping my face with a shirt sleeve. Levi's hand cradled my cheek and forced me to look up.
I knew this was a goodbye, but my brain refused to comprehend this, and my heart screamed at me to do something, anything. But there was nothing else left that could've been done. So, instead of sobbing hysterically through our last moments, I shoved all those emotions deep down and put an imaginative lock on them. Levi saw my change of heart, and his lips curved in the barest of smiles.
"Good girl." He whispered and lowered his lips to mine.
The kiss was passionate and painful at the same time. It started the fire within me and quenched it with the icy reality. Levi pulled me close to him, one of his hands encircling my waist and another tenderly holding my jaw. His lips moved on mine in the most precious ways, and for a moment there, I could almost imagine that the whole world didn't exist.
But it did. And it demanded us to go back to reality.
When the kiss ended, it took all my strength not to curl into a ball on the ground, sobbing my eyes out. I didn't have such luxury. There was a battle to win and lives to save.
As we returned to the soldiers, Erwin was finishing what must've been his war speech. And it must've been good because even though there was no enthusiasm in people's faces, there was determination at least. And that was as good as it got. Upon Erwin's last words, everyone cheered and scattered around, mounting the remaining horses. Erwin looked at Levi and me, still holding hands. If it was any other moment, I would've died of pure horror at being caught with my superior. But in our circumstances, it didn't matter. Not to me, not to Erwin, not to the rest of the scouts.
With one final nod, Erwin dismissed Levi and me and got into the saddle of his horse. A soldier came by us, still standing aside from everyone, and offered me the reins of a horse. I took them, my hands shaking so badly that I could barely grab them.
Levi wrapped his hand around my shaking one and nodded for me to get into the saddle. Only once I was seated did he return the reins to me.
"Good luck," I said, straining to keep my voice steady.
Levi nodded, and with one final look at me, he turned around and sprinted away, engaging ODM and flying above the debris of the crashed town. I didn't get to watch him fly away because, just moments later, Erwin's command sounded. The horses moved, gaining speed as they sprinted through the destroyed streets and away from the Wall.
I glanced back at Levi's retreating form, hoping he would turn to look at me again, just this one time. But he never did.
So, I did exactly what he would expect of me. I faced the enemy.
Clasping my reins and hugging my horse with my thighs, I rode into my last fight and to my death.
Levi
They all fell one after another, followed by the eruptions of smoke as their carcasses dispersed into thin air. As if they'd never even existed.
The only path to reach the Beast titan was through the Wall of titans he'd placed, cornering us in Shiganshina. So, I would cut that path out for myself. One fucker after another.
It was ten times easier to focus on slashing titans than on the thundering crashes the thrown boulders made or the screams of the dying man when those boulders hit them. Thinking whose screams that were was simply unbearable. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing her…
No. She would not end up among the dead. I refused to accept the possibility of that.
Her tear-stricken face popped into my mind's eye, and I clenched my swords even tighter. The inevitability of the situation stung. But I could've done nothing to get her out of the fight. I couldn't save her, couldn't just ask her to stand down either. We were both soldiers. Scouts. Our duty and our oath to humanity needed to come before all else. That's what I meant that fateful night, right before I succumbed to my selfish feelings. And that was what I couldn't stop remembering now.
It hurt to let Verity ride off with Erwin and the rest of the scouts to their deaths. I knew the chances. I had to be an idiot not to realize that, most likely, it really was the last time. It was decidedly one of the hardest things I had to do in my life. But I couldn't change it. Even if I could stifle my own sense of duty, I had doubts Verity would do the same. She'd changed so much in the month's time. We both did. So, even if I could get her out of this suicide mission, she wouldn't follow. But I really just couldn't do it. This thought was almost as unbearable as the idea of losing her. But I couldn't betray my comrades. Couldn't betray Erwin's trust.
No. The mission was all that mattered in the end.
No matter how much I despised humanity for making me sacrifice everything for a fantom chance of restoring the Wall. As if I hadn't sacrificed enough already.
The Beast titan was growing nearer. I slashed the last titan in my way and swirled in the air, gaining momentum for the attack I'd been anticipating. Air swooshed in my ears as I flew closer. A scream built up in my throat, growing into a deafening roar, as I neared my prey, getting ready for the first blow. And I poured everything I had into it, every bit of my hurt and anger, every bitter piece of injustice I'd met along the way; every life ended too early; every smile stolen and moment lost; all that humanity could've been but never got a chance to; every sweet memory I could've built but never got the time to; all the fucking tea I could've tried… The fucker had it long coming. And I would make it worth his wait.
Titan's head snapped in my direction, and his pupils dilated when he saw me. The rage moved in my blood, a living thing demanding justice be served. The titan sent his arm flying at me, claws at the ready. In the last second, I turned in the air, sending hooks of my ODM into fucker's shoulder. The quiet churn of the motors reached my ears. At the pull of the cords, I rounded the titan's arm, avoiding the blow he aimed at me. The muscles in my arms and back worked as I forced my swords down on the titan's hand. The sharp metal cut through muscle and bone in one clean stroke, severing the monster's fingers. The Beast titan roared again, this time in shock and pain. But I didn't give it time to grasp the situation.
Jumping off his hand, I let the motors pull me again, using the weight of my body to swirl around titan's arm and dragging the blades along. Steam followed my path, as titan's skin split under my blades following my rounding maneuver. When I finally reached the beast's shoulder, I jerked my blades out and kicked off its steaming flash into the air. Fingers and pieces of flash rained to the ground, and the severed arm practically exploded in a bloody cloud of steam under the sheer amount of cuts I'd dealt.
Instead of feeling satisfied, however, my skin crawled as the anger inside intensified, growing tenfold. At that moment, when the first blood was drawn, I suddenly forgot about everything this world had to offer. There was only me, my gear, and my enemy. And I allowed this intoxicating devastation to feed the growing frenzy inside as I sent my hooks into the titan once more. This was it. This fucker would pay for every human life lost.
The hooks connected with the titan's neck, and the Beast, until now frozen in place, jerked his surviving hand up to cover his nape as if I was a rookie and would go directly for the kill. Oh, no. Even if I had any intention to kill this piece of shit, I wouldn't let him off that easy. Not until I cut off every limb, piece by piece, and watched him grow them back only to cut those off, too. Not until he begged me for his death from all the exhaustion and pain. And even then, it wouldn't sedate me.
I zoomed past his arm, swinging my blades only once when I neared its face. The quiet pop his eyes made upon the contact made a wave of sick satisfaction run down my spine. Not giving fucker enough time to regroup, I glided down his side. Swinging on my hooks, I stroke again, this time cutting his achilie's heels one after another. The ground vibrated under my feet as I slid from under the titan and shot myself up into the air.
The titan crumbled to the ground, growling in pain.
"What's wrong? Not enjoying yourself anymore?" I shouted, barely constraining my body from the shaking anger that sharpened my senses like never before. I pivoted down, heading for its crumpled body, blades at the ready for the final strikes. "Come on, let's have some fun!" I growled, and my blades sunk deep into his back.
I cut. And I cut. And then I cut some more. Putting every bit of fury that scorched me on the inside into each strike. I didn't feel exhaustion pulling at my muscles. There was no heartache or worry. No weight of responsibilities or the burden of my oath to humanity. I sunk into the deep abyss of vengeance, allowing myself to enjoy every second of it.
With an angry cry, I tore through the titan's mass until a human body was finally visible within the bloody mess I'd made. I thrust up with my swords, and the human was thrown out of the titan's cage, emitting a scream of pain. I struck again, my blade shooting for the fucker's mouth and stopping right between his teeth as I pushed him into the ground in front of me.
"After transforming, if your body's severely damaged, it's too busy healing to let you resume your titan form. Isn't that right?" I said, staring down at my enemy. He tried to speak, but the blade in his mouth made it hard to do so. I guess I had to move the blade then. Jerking my hand to the side, I let it cut through the man's cheek, severing half his face. "Hey, I asked you a question. It's only polite to answer."
Fucker's eyes rolled from the pain and shock. I knew I couldn't kill him. Not when there still could be someone out there who was still alive. Maybe even Verity. I could save her, even if she was on the brink of death. The wooden box neatly tucked inside my jacket's packet suddenly added in weight.
Before I could even form a plan on how to look for survivors, something moved in the corner of my eye. I jerked up, meeting eye-to-eye with the gaping mouth of a quadruple titan. I jumped, somersaulting back and away from the deadly bite. When my feet hit the ground, I looked up, seeing the titan carry away my prey.
"Hey. Where are you going?" I asked its rapidly retreating back, dumbfounded. It all happened so fast. I'd just had him in my hands, and now… It couldn't be happening. I needed him to save Verity! "Stop!"
"Go now! Rip him to pieces!" The man yelled while being carried away.
I froze as the rest of the titans, forming a semicircle around Shiganshina, turned their heads to me at the same time, their eyes growing hungry. In the next second, they jerked to a sprint, heading for me and leaving me no way to continue the chase after the quadruple.
"I promised to Commander Erwin that I would kill you no matter what it took." I got a set of new blades out and readied for a fight. "I promised!"
My breaths were labored, and my blades suddenly added weight as I landed the killing blow to the last titan's neck. I landed on the ground near its shuttering carcass, my legs shaking from exhaustion that I couldn't let myself acknowledge. I had less than a moment to gather my wits.
The Beast titan was carried away, but the quadruple couldn't have gone far. I could chase them. I should chase them. Yet my gaze traveled from the Wall, where I'd seen them disappear, and to the field before me. The smoke curled close to the ground, hiding the massacre.
Was she alive? Was anyone still alive? Was she hurt? Was Erwin?
Sorrow pulled into the pit of my stomach. I knew I had to be chasing the Beast titan. If he wasn't dealt with, then this exact scene could repeat itself in the future. More lives would be wasted, and I couldn't let that happen. It was my duty to put the mission above all else.
But how could I just walk past the possibility that any of my comrades was still alive? What if Verity was? How could I live with myself if she died because I chose to fulfill my mission and follow Erwin's orders? She needed me. Erwin needed me. All of those soldiers who rode off to sacrifice their lives for a chance that I could end the Beast titan — they needed me.
But then again, their sacrifices would be for not if I let the Beast titan escape. All of those lives were wasted because I was blinded by my rage and didn't see the quadruple coming.
Verity's death could be for not.
No!
My chest constricted at that thought with a painful stab to the heart I didn't anticipate. It hurt. It fucking hurt to accept it, but I'd already made up my mind. I had long before this moment. It was foolish of me to stand there and waste precious time when, deep in my soul, I knew that I couldn't let those lives be wasted. Even if Verity was drawing her last breath at this exact moment, I just couldn't let the titan escape if it meant that his capture would justify the loss of dozens of Scouts. It was all for this, wasn't it? It was about the humanity all along. My wishes and my choices didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. My heartache didn't. But the ends justified the means, didn't they?
So I forced my gaze away from the field and set my body into a sprint. My muscles screamed at me with each leaping step I made, but I couldn't care less.
I might've just killed Verity with my own hands, deciding to fulfill my mission.
And never did I regret anything in my life more than that exact moment.
The chaffing sound that my ODM made made me roar in frustration. I was running low on gas. The timing couldn't have been more 'perfect'.
Each meter of the Wall I scaled made my heart feel heavier with dread. Every moment of the climb, I wanted to turn around and run back to the field to find her. But I wouldn't let myself even entertain such thoughts. I was a soldier above all else. And there was more at stake here than one life and one broken heart. And I hated myself for this decision every step of the way. I hated Erwin for putting this unbearable weight on my shoulders. I was so tired of being referred to as 'humanity's strongest.' It was too much to bear. And all for the sake of humanity that was doing its best rotting from the inside out with no help from titans.
The cold air kissed my sweat-covered neck as I climbed onto the Wall and glanced inside the city for the first time. That explosion we'd heard and Erwin'd spoken about left barely anything inside to still be called a 'city.' An enormous hole protruded to the western side. The wind blew tinder and smoke, spreading the rapidly growing fire through the remaining buildings with a scary speed. And it was quiet. Unpleasantly so. As my eyes scanned the remnants of the city, I spotted my target. A quadruple sprang from rooftop to rooftop, crossing the town to the outer Wall until it paused. It was then that I noticed another figure facing the titan. Eren.
I threw myself off the Wall, using the remains of my gas to maneuver to the said house. Eren and the titan saw my approach, and the quadruple leaped into motion, jumping onto the Wall and scaling it in moments. Growling under my breath, I landed on the roof. The buckles and clasps of my ODM clicked when I jerked them open, removing my gear as fast as I could.
"I don't have enough gas. Quick, give me your gear so I can chase him." I ordered Eren, dropping my empty tanks to the cracked slates of the roof.
"Right," Eren jumped to his feet, fiddling with his ODM.
"Hurry!"
Someone coughed behind Eren, and the brat froze. I glanced behind him at the burned body. Eren fell to his knees, screaming in a quivering voice. "Armin's still breathing! I hear him."
Before I could react to his statement, Mikasa landed just beside me. Her face was stricken with tears, and I was taken aback for a moment — I'd never seen her show her emotions when it didn't concern Eren.
"Captain! Get the syringe!" Eren yelled, turning to face me. He was crying, too, and his eyes glistened with desperation that was way too familiar.
My throat dried when my gaze landed on Berthold's unmoving body, his arms and legs severed. My brain worked, analyzing the situation before me. Armin must've come up with a plan to best the Colossus titan and got burned to near death in the process. That smart-ass boy that had the brain of a genius, same as Erwin. He'd dreamed about seeing the sea — a big bed of salted water — that he read about in a book. I'd overheard him talk to Eren about it. His voice was so full of life and youthful excitement. So full of wonder.
Yet now, he was drawing his last breaths in front of me, and I held a power in my hands to bring him back to life so he could see those dreams of him coming true.
But, the thing was... I couldn't do it.
Not when Verity could still be alive somewhere on the field, bleeding out, hurt, in need of help, but fucking alive. Or she could be dead already, and I was just fooling myself with pointless hope. Was I supposed to choose who lived or died? How was anyone supposed to make such a choice?! Let an innocent boy die on a ghostly chance that the woman I loved was still alive somewhere. Or abandon that hope and save his life here and now?
I didn't want Armin to die. Fucking hell! I didn't want anyone to die! But how could I choose him over Verity? But how could I not?
"Turn Armin into a titan, and then we can have him eat Berthold!" Eren cried out hysterically. "Hurry up and inject him."
I shut my eyes. I couldn't do it. I couldn't make this decision.
Fuck!
Why did it have to be me who got the fucking syringe in the first place?!
Someone groaned to the side of the roof, and everyone turned to observe as that redhead newbie climbed onto the roof. He was panting, his clothing covered in dirt and blood. But that's not what made everyone go dead silent. No. It was Erwin's body that the brat pulled into the roof after him.
"Captain," Flock groaned. "I finally found you. It's the Commander. He's hurt. His stomach is gouged, and his insides are all torn to shreds. The blood just won't stop. I thought that injection might be able to help him, but what do you think?"
I just stared at him, my mind blank with shock. Erwin was alive? And this jerk, too. That meant that Verity could've also made it. I had to find her. I had to go now!
But my legs didn't move, my body frozen in place as I stared at Erwin's bleeding chest. He was one of the closest people to me. And he was important to humanity's survival. He was what held the Survey Corps together. Without him, we didn't stand a chance.
What the fuck do I do?!
"Captain Levi," Eren mumbled, stepping closer to me.
I ignored him and kneeled near Erwin. I leaned into his face, listening intently. "It's faint, but he's breathing," I said, sitting back. It was a miracle that he made it out alive. He was leading everyone else in the battle. He was riding in the very front. The fact that he didn't get one shot by a Beast titan's throw was a fucking miracle. I shook my head, trying to lessen the shock. "Erwin. You're alive." I whispered, as if voicing this would make it easier for me to comprehend. Miracle. This was a miracle… I turned to Flock. "What about other survivors? Anyone else made it?"
"I didn't have time to check. I found the Commander and rushed here." The brat replied. "There was so much blood. Body parts everywhere."
"Did anyone else survive?" I yelled, launching to my feet and grabbing him by the collar. I had to know if there was a chance… I needed to know…
"I don't know!" Flock screamed back, frantic. I let go of him and stepped back. My head suddenly swirled.
"Captain Levi!" Eren stepped in, his voice high-pitched and desperate. "Armin needs help!"
"No! Commander Erwin gets the shot." Flock argued back. "You know as well as I do that without him, humanity doesn't stand a chance!"
"Armin is just as valuable!" With that, Eren lunged at me, hoping to catch me off guard and snatch the box. Instincts kicked in, and I sidestepped him, catching him with a punch to his gut that sent Eren flying back.
Mikasa's shriek was all the warning I got before she jumped at me from behind. I managed to turn just in time to catch her by the wrist and intercept the blow which was aimed at the back of my head. We toppled to the rooftop, and she pressed me down with unexpected strength. Exhaustion slowed me, making my limbs feel heavier, as if filled with lead. She pushed a blade to my neck, and I caught her wrist again, shoving it back with all the strength I could muster. It should've been easy to throw her off me, but the brat struggled hard.
In the next moment, the sounds of nearing ODM rang, and Mikasa's weight disappeared as she was thrown back. Hange grabbed her from behind, restraining her. Mikasa cried out and fought like a wild cat, struggling to be released. I looked at Hange, and my jaw clenched painfully at the sight of her heavily bandaged head, covering half her face, including her left eye.
"No, don't tell me," Jean breathed, stepping around Hange and Mikasa. Conni followed him, holding the unconscious Sasha from across his shoulders.
"No," Hange whispered, staring at Armin's barely alive body. "It isn't fair."
"Hange," I said, getting to my feet and catching her gaze. "She could also be…"
Her remaining eye met mine in understanding. "You can't rush there and risk losing all three of the possible lives you could save."
My blood heated. She was the only person here who I could trust to understand my position. But she'd just voiced what I already knew. Of course, this was an impossible gamble. But it was her. She had to be alive. Hurting. Dying. I needed to be there. I needed to protect her!
My mind suddenly made up, I made a move to the edge of the roof when Mikasa suddenly broke down crying. Hange didn't let go; instead, she spoke softly, her gaze never leaving me. "I understand how you feel, but most of us are dead. We can't afford to lose our Commander, too." She wasn't just talking to Mikasa. I grind my teeth. Of course, she was right. I just didn't want to accept the truth. "The Scouts must endure! If we lose our symbol of hope, we lose everything!"
"I know that! But Armin could help us too," Mikasa sobbed. "He's special!"
"You're right. But we need Erwin." Mikasa stopped struggling, and her body fell limp in Hange's arms. "Listen, there are people I wanna bring back too," Hange said, and her gaze turned mournful. "Ever since I joined up with the scouts, every day brought a new farewell. But… you need to understand; eventually, you'll have to let go of everyone you've ever met. I know it's tough to accept. It's tough for me too." Her voice quivered, and a tear escaped her healthy eye, running down her cheek. "It's hard to stay sane living like that. It hurts. It really hurts. I know, But even so, every one of us has to push forward."
Mikasa seemed to accept Hange's words as she stopped struggling altogether and continued to sob quietly in Hange's arms.
I couldn't take it any longer.
"Everyone get out of here right now!" I yelled, needing to stay alone with my thoughts.
Hange was, of course, right. We needed Erwin. He was prominent in our survival. He was a beacon of hope. Verity and Armin were important, too, but replaceable. No matter how much that statement hurt. It had to be Erwin. He'd given this syringe to me, knowing that I would make the right choice in the end. A choice that would first and foremost benefit the Survey Corps.
And this choice was him.
Kneeling down near Erwin, I pulled the box out of my inner jacket pocket and flicked it open. My fingers slid across the polished metal plunger as I pulled it out of its velvet casing. I close my eyes then, breathing in a deep, shaky breath. I could only hope that I would be able to live with this decision. That I wouldn't grow to resent Erwin or the Survey Corps for what I had to do. Who I had to lose.
But as I reached out to give Erwin an injection, his arm flew up, slapping my hand out of the way. I jerked back, staring at his now still body in surprise.
He didn't want it. He'd chosen death that very moment. And so, I couldn't take that choice away from him.
My heart sped up at the realization. If Erwin rejected the shot, then… Then it had to be Armin. There were two lives that I could save for certain. And one life that might've been cut down already. And no matter how much I wanted to sprint back to that field in search of her, I couldn't.
In the end, it all came down to what was 'the right thing' to do. Or rather, which decision I could live with.
Breaking inside, I gave Armin the shot. As the bright yellow light erupted from him, a new titan formed in place of a burned blond boy who'd dreamed of seeing the see. And now, maybe, he would get to do just that. I threw Berthold's limp body at Armin's titan, and he chugged him down like a snake would a mouse.
But I didn't linger long enough to see if the syringe worked.
I had to go and make sure that I didn't make the worst mistake of my life just now.
Hange'd caught up to me when I was about to plummet off the Wall. I didn't pause to acknowledge her; my mind was occupied by one thought — Verity.
She'd promised to survive. And even though I knew how ridiculously stupid that was, it was all I had to go off. That, and the fact that Erwin and Flock survived. There had to be others as well, and I refused to consider anything else until I saw it myself.
My landing was anything but soft. The nearly empty gas tanks that I had to reattach held barely enough juice to get me over the Wall. Pain shot up my ankles and into my thighs upon contact with the cracked concrete of what was previously a main road out of Shiganshina. It was now littered with building blocks, pieces of wood carcasses, and roof tiles. All colored with crimson stains above the heavy coat of sand and dust. I didn't let the pain register, though, and set to a sprint across the remnants of the town.
Hange followed close overhead, sticking to her ODM but not overrunning me to the slaughterhouse that awaited ahead. It annoyed me. If Verity was still alive, she no doubt needed medical assistance. And Hange was a good person for that. But she let me lead, taking it at the speed with which my tired legs could carry me.
I pressed harder. Each moment could be the edge between life and death. And I needed her alive. I fucking needed her.
The first bodies lay just on the outskirts of the town. And when saying 'bodies,' I mean the red smosh with pieces of scout uniform sticking out. There was no way to determine who they were. So I ran past them, my eyes searching frantically. Hange's steps sounded behind. She caught up just when I was overturning one of the bodies that had dark hair.
Heart skipping a beat, I peered into what was left of a person's face. Relief and shame washed over me when I didn't recognize any familiar features.
"Oh, God. Did they just ride straight into the titans?" Hange whispered behind me. I gritted my teeth and rushed to another body. And then another.
Some were easy enough to recognize, having suffered a broken neck or a clash to the midsection. Some were missing body parts — limbs and heads torn off, as if ripped off by a titan's hand. I tasted acid just thinking of how that must've happened. What strength had to have been used to throw a stone that would rip a person's head clean off upon contact? Those bodies were the hardest to identify. If they still possessed their arms, I would check for the scars that Verity wore. But some were just unrecognizable altogether.
As time went on, and we found no survivors, horror clasped its claws around my neck. The kindling hope that I'd nurtured so thoroughly died down with each passing moment.
"Levi!" Hange called out a dozen feet away. I lunged to my feet and sprinted to her. She was kneeling on the ground, obscuring the view for me, until I reached her side.
And the world came to a stop.
There was no need to check for scars. It was no doubt Verity. She lay on her back, her clothes soaked in blood, her face bruised but still recognizable. A gushing cut ran across her face, from the temple to the chin, as if splitting her face in half. One of her arms was torn off, and the blood spilled into the stumped dusty grass underneath her. She didn't move. She didn't breathe.
I dropped to my knees, my heart shuttering to a million pieces. I was too late.
Hange let out a sob near me. The wind rustled the grass and the underbrush of a nearby forest. The dusk was approaching.
And Verity was dead.
Hange reached out to touch her, feeling the pulse on her neck. I knew she wouldn't find it. I knew it was helpless.
I was too late.
Hange's gasp jerked me out of my stupor. She leaned over Verity, listening for her breathing. As if there was any to listen for.
"Oh my God! She's alive!" Hange yelled, ripping her bag open. She ruffled inside, throwing out pieces of various medical equipment, until she pulled out a syringe. My insides turned to ice.
"What is that?" She ignored my question, removing the cap from the syringe and shoving Verity's shirt up. "What the fuck are you doing?!" I yelled again, trying to shove Hange off. She jerked her arm, trying to elbow me in the chest, but I caught her arm.
"I'm saving her life!" She snapped back, trying to rip her arm from my grasp.
"No," I shook my head, staring at the syringe. "You are performing an experiment on her!" My grip on her arm tightened, but Hange didn't even flinch. She met my desperate gaze, cold calculation shining in her eye.
"This is the only way. She won't make it otherwise."
"You're going to inject her with Eren's spinal fluid!" I roared. "You are not saving her. You are turning her into a monster!"
"Yes!" Hange screamed back, her voice breaking on a sob. "But at least she will have a chance. Until we find an intelligent titan and feed it to her."
I stared at her in disbelief. "But you don't even know if Eren's spinal fluid is enough," I argued.
"I don't. But it's the only chance we've got." Hange replied, looking back at the dying Verity. "Is Verity dead better than Verity with a chance of survival?"
I looked at Verity then. Her face didn't look peaceful, nor was it contorted in pain. It was rather as if she was troubled by something as she lay there on the battlefield, covered in her own blood and that of her teammates.
If I'd come sooner. If I hadn't chased the Beast titan. If I'd found her earlier and brought her over the Wall to Eren. If I'd stopped her from coming to this mission. If I hadn't let her fall for me. If I hadn't fallen for her. If Kenny hadn't found her in the Underground.
It felt as though I was being ripped apart from the inside out with all the wrongs. What worse can one more wrong do if added to the pile? Maybe it would, in fact, make everything right. Maybe it would work. Maybe I'd get a chance to tell her what I felt.
I released Hange's hand and leaned back. I couldn't watch it, though. I couldn't stand the idea of seeing her as a titan — as an ultimate enemy.
As I took a few shaking steps away from them, trying to hold the shattered pieces of my broken heart together, a bright yellow light erupted behind me.
And a roar of a newborn titan pierced the darkening skies.
Epilogue
Many months later
The sun glistened like a diamond dust sprinkled atop the cerulean blue of the sea. It really did seem to stretch to the very horizon. I could hardly tell where the water ended, and the skies began.
The rest of the crew had removed their boots and rushed towards the waterline. They now splashed in the waves like kids, wonder and amazement sparkling in their eyes. I couldn't blame them for acting happy. I might've been along with them in the past, too. But much has changed in the past year.
Eren was the only other one staying silent throughout the whole trip here. It's funny how I used to dislike his company because he was so noisy. Yet now, I, in fact, preferred him being around. It felt as though he could somehow understand the grief I harbored deep within my heart. But I knew it couldn't have been that.
Now, he stood in the water, staring into the setting sun on the horizon. Just like I did, but for entirely different reasons.
It had taken a long time to get to where we were now. Too long. But we were finally here, ready to leave the Paradis and venture off to Marley territory. Even though exploration and an enemy study were the official goals, I only saw one goal in front of me.
Capture the Beast titan and carry him here.
And bring Verity back to me.
