"Is it going to be weird that I have recommendation letters from you?" Rachel asked on Wednesday morning while they had breakfast.
"Why would it be weird?" Severus asked.
"Our relationship isn't exactly that of a student and their teacher," she pointed out.
"Not entirely, but you are still my student and anyone in the Potions community who knows me knows that I would not be biased in my recommendations even for my own daughter and I am known within the Potions community, if not personally than by name and reputation. Besides, you have letters both from Professor Sprout and from Mistress Davies. I'm certain Slughorn would have recommended you as well if we could have found him."
Rachel paused and then decided to ask. "Do you think he's still alive?"
"Most likely. The Dark Lord would have made his death public. Slughorn is probably hiding on the continent or in Australia and will show back up again after the war is over." Severus' expression suggested he didn't think much of that.
She was just glad he was alive somewhere. More than enough people had died already. "What am I supposed to write in these letters? Is there a format I'm supposed to follow?"
"Introduce yourself, which is mostly unnecessary in your case, but you should do so anyway. Indicate that you are interested in pursuing a Potions Mastery following when you receive your NEWT scores this summer and specify areas that you are interested in pursuing, such as non-traditional healing potions, if that is what you want to focus on. I generally recommend specifying two or three areas that you are open to. Then describe your accomplishments. Tell them you competed in the Potions Championship when you were a sixth year and that your team took first place, and that your potion was chosen for the modification challenge. They should all know that already, but you should still tell them. Tell them you have one potion modification and one alternative formulation registered with the Potions Guild. They will be impressed by that. You have the list of names I gave you?"
"I do, it's with my recommendation letters, waiting for me to put things together. We're going to write letters as a group this morning," she told him.
"If you would like me to look them over before you send them, I'd be happy to do so," he offered.
While Rachel wasn't thrilled at the idea of writing them more than once, she nodded. It was probably better to do this right. "Thank you."
"This summer, after you've finished with your NEWTs, I'd like you to do an article for one of the Potions journals on your Dreamless Sleep modifications and alternative formulations. It's a basic article, but all newcomers to the Guild are expected to do it at some point in their Mastery and it will look good for you to do it directly out of Hogwarts," he continued. "I will help you with the formatting so that you know what the journal is looking for. We'll start with submitting to Modern Potions, which is the premiere British Potions journal, but we can seek others if they decline to publish for some reason."
Rachel thought about that for a long moment. She sort of hadn't wanted to people to know that she'd modified Dreamless Sleep. "I'm not sure that's a good idea," she finally said.
Severus looked at her, his brow furrowing in either confusion or disapproval. "Can you tell me why not?"
"It's not a potion that makes sense for anyone who isn't me. Most people taking sleeping potions want something that will make it easy for them to go to sleep. That's sort of the whole point of sleeping potions. I'm the only one with this problem and I don't really want to tell anyone about it," she explained, working on keeping her tone calm and objective.
"You are not the only person with difficulty with sleeping potions, I can promise you that. There are other people who have trauma around sleeping potions, such as those who've had a healing potion render them unconscious for emergency treatment, or those who have become addicted to sleeping potions. You don't have to indicate that you developed this potion because you wished to use it yourself, many initial forays into potion modification and invention made by newcomers to the profession are just like this. No one is going to read anything into this other than you have an interest in non-traditional healing potions," he explained.
"Really? How sure are you about that? What if the Daily Prophet gets a hold of it? Even if Potions Mistresses and Masters won't speculate, the Daily Prophet will."
"Hopefully by the time this is published the Daily Prophet will be speaking of you with nothing but respect. I expect you will be highly lauded for ending the war."
Rachel shook her head. "That day will never come as long as Rita Skeeter is writing for the Daily Prophet. If I publish an article on this, the next thing that comes out in the newspaper is speculation that I have an addiction to sleeping potions." There was part of Rachel that was glad she wouldn't be alive after the war to deal with all of that. If the magical world had made her famous for something she didn't even do as a baby, how would they react if she actually killed the Dark Lord? Then again… "I just thought of a new problem."
"What's that?" Severus asked, looking mildly alarmed.
"People thought the Dark Lord was dead before, right? After that Halloween night?"
"Yes," he said, raising an eyebrow.
"So they didn't expect him to come back. How do we convince people he's really dead this time and not coming back? Somehow I don't think it's a good idea to inform the public at large that horcruxes are a thing they can do," she pointed out.
"Undoubtedly not. I'm not certain that Albus intends anyone beyond the three of us to know about the horcruxes at all," he began.
"The Minister doesn't know? Or the Head of the MLE?" she asked.
"Not as far as I'm aware."
"Can I point out that is actually a really bad idea?" she asked. "Say it's a worst case scenario and you, me, and Professor Dumbledore all die when we confront the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord would essentially become immortal because no one would know that he still has a horcrux. What is stopping him from making more horcruxes anyway? You and Professor Dumbledore act like we can't lose this fight. But what if we do? Shouldn't we be prepared for that?"
"I do not believe the three of us will die, but you are correct that we should have some sort of fallback measure in place and I will check with Albus to ensure that he has made arrangements for all of the necessary information in the war to be passed to someone else who will not be at that battle upon his death. As for making new horcruxes, I am not certain. Likely he feels that seven is sufficient, since seven is very powerful arithmetically. Should he learn that the others were destroyed, he may attempt to make more, but I am not certain how many times a soul can be divided. As far as I and Albus are aware, the Dark Lord has done it more times than anyone else. It's possible - probable even - that the splitting of the soul has an effect on someone. Given that the Dark Lord made his first horcrux so young, I'm not sure if we can suggest that some of the Dark Lord's more monstrous qualities are because his soul was split."
"But to even split his soul in the first place, he was willing to commit murder."
"Yes. But there is a vast difference in someone who is willing to commit murder and someone who is willing to continuously mass murder a helpless population of people. I think most people have it in them to commit murder under the right circumstances," he said levely.
"Really?" Rachel asked. "You mean actual murder, and not just killing in self defense or in battle?"
"Actual murder," he agreed. "Those circumstances would vary drastically from person to person, and most of those circumstances are unlikely, but most people are capable of murder."
She stared down at her breakfast as she thought about that. "I don't think I'd do very well with murder. I can't even cast the Killing Curse and I really need to. Are we going to practice it some more?"
"We can practice over the holiday, yes. And I certainly hope that you are never in circumstances where murder becomes an option for you. You do understand that killing the Dark Lord is not murder? You are not murdering him, you are acting in the capacity of a soldier killing an enemy general to prevent the death of your comrades and your people," he said solemnly.
"I do understand." Rachel swallowed and looked back at her breakfast. She didn't want to be a soldier any more than she wanted to be a murderer. She would though. If necessary she would be both in order to end the war. "I've got to get going."
"Is that all you're going to eat?" he asked, his gaze going to her plate as well.
"I ate more than half and I'll make sure I have a good lunch and a good dinner today," she said.
"We need to stop discussing the war while we eat."
Rachel shrugged. These days all conversations made their way back to the war eventually.
"Does everyone have everything they need?" Hermione asked, looking around the table.
Everyone had stacks of parchment in front of them and their quills out. Draco had declined to join them, saying that he wasn't making any decisions about what he was doing until the war was over and he didn't have to hide anymore. Ginny and Luna had decided to go on adventure in the Room of Requirement while the seventh years in the study group wrote their letters.
"What do we even say?" Millie asked.
"Severus says to introduce yourself, indicate that you're applying to do a mastery with them, specify your areas of interest, and then tell them about your experience in the field. So you'd probably talk about what you've done in Charms and Arithmancy, including things like mastering the Patronus charm when you were fourteen and the spell you invented for the summer homework," Rachel said, considering her own blank sheets of parchment.
"That makes sense," Neville said, frowning down at his own parchment.
"Is anyone else wondering if Draco has the right idea?" Theo asked.
"About not applying now? No, I don't think he has the right idea," Hermione said. "Well, not for most of us at least. Everyone has said we can both join the Order and do a mastery at the same time."
"What about you, Rachel? You're probably the person who is in the most danger here," Theo asked.
Rachel shrugged. "Severus says I can apply now and see if someone will take me as an apprentice, and then ask to defer until the war is over if we can't find a way for me to do it safely." Not that it mattered. She was intending for the war to be over before she even received her NEWT results.
"I didn't know you could do that. Depending on how things look, I wonder if that might be necessary for all of us. But I think it makes sense to apply now while we have all of our recommendation letters," Millie said and then shook her head. "I don't want to talk about the war right now. I can't do that and write these letters."
"Let's write our letters then," Theo said. "I'm writing four, what about all of you?"
"Three. Professor Sprout looked over the list the guild sent and suggested who she thought might be a good fit for me," Neville said.
"Same with me," Millie said.
"I've also got three people Severus recommended for me," Rachel said.
"Well I have one letter for the Healers Training Program, two letters for a Defense mastery with an emphasis on curses and blood curses, and three letters for spell crafting with an emphasis on dispelling curses and healing. I'm hoping to do at least two of those concurrently, though I think it's going to have to be the masteries. I'm not sure I can do a mastery and the Healers Training Program at the same time," Hermione said, shuffling through her sheets of parchment. "I hope I'm not getting in over my head here. There really isn't a specified training program for curse specialists."
"That's because there are so few of them. Britain hasn't had a curse specialist of its own since the last one was killed in the first war. I think you'll do well with it. It will be difficult, but if anyone could do it, it would be you," Theo said.
"You could do it with me if you wanted to, I think any of you would be qualified." Hermione looked at each of them with a small expression of hope.
"Sorry, I want to stick to Transfiguration," Theo said.
"Potions for me. I just want to brew and play Quidditch," Rachel said with a small shrug.
Millie shook her head. "Sorry, I just don't want to do healing in any form. Charms is a better fit for me."
"And I want to grow plants," Neville said.
"That's alright. Everyone should follow what they're passionate about. It will just be strange with none of us having lessons together. If I get into the Healers Training Program, I'll probably be with Susan at least, but it won't be the same as being with all of you."
"It will take some getting used to, but this is necessary. We're not all going to wind up in the same career as adults, but I think we'll still see each other all the time," Theo said.
"We will. We're basically family. I can't imagine anything that would really separate us. Okay, now really, writing letters. I want to stop worrying about this and I can't do that until it's done," Millie said.
"Let's write then," Hermione agreed.
Rachel picked the first name from her list and began.
'Dear Mistress Emlyn Clough,
My name is Rachel Leah Snow. I am currently a seventh year at Hogwarts and am about to take my NEWTs. I am interested in doing a Potions Mastery with you, with an emphasis on non-traditional healing potions or potions with an area of effect to be used in and outside of combat.'
She paused and looked down at the letter. She was more interested in the non-traditional healing potions, but Severus had told her to put down multiple areas of interest and she was at the very least interested in combat potions. She wondered what would happen if she just started throwing vials of the Draught of Destruction at the Dark Lord in battle. The real danger though was that he could use a spell to send them straight back at her and she didn't particularly want to die in an explosion, or worse, survive an explosion. If she had to die, she wanted it to be as quick and painless as possible.
'I have been studying potions under Professor Severus Snape and herbology under Professor Pomona Sprout for the past seven years. I received Outstandings on both OWLs at the end of my fifth year. In my sixth year I participated on the Hogwarts team in the Wizarding Schools Potions Championship. Our team took first place and my modification was judged for the second challenge.'
Rachel glanced around the room and found her friends all bent over their parchments, their expressions ranging from worried to almost fretful. She checked on herself and found that she barely felt concerned about her letters at all. Maybe it was because she knew she wouldn't be around for the results, but she kind of thought that wasn't it. Even if she would be around to do a mastery, she felt relatively confident about her chances of getting accepted. It was the same with her NEWTs. She thought she'd do fairly well and knew that she was mostly prepared.
Sometimes she felt like her ability to worry about things had been drastically altered over the past few years. School work and grades and exam scores no longer had power over her. She was now worried about people being killed and tortured and how she would end the war and what might happen if things went wrong.
She could imagine herself as someone who the last four years hadn't happened to, some parallel her, or even some parallel her who had grown up safe with her parents. These letters and her NEWTs might be the most difficult and scary thing she'd had to contend with. Instead of feeling assured by that, Rachel felt repulsed by that imaginary parallel girl. While there were plenty of things she'd rather not have experienced - prolonged torture probably being right at the top of the list, along with being subject to a prophecy - she knew those things had shaped who she was now.
The parallel girl who grew up safe with her loving parents wouldn't have been ready to train with the aurors or manage a connection with the Dark Lord or be prepared to sacrifice herself to end the war. That girl wouldn't have a mental architecture that could keep her mind safe or allow her to find the horcruxes. She was soft and cared for and wholly unprepared for the realities of war.
Rachel knew who she was, what she wanted, and where her life was going to go. She thought that was fairly profound knowledge for someone who was seventeen and hadn't yet finished her schooling.
'Over the summer I invented a modification of the Dreamless Sleep potion to allow someone to fall asleep naturally while still not remembering their dreams once they fell asleep. This modification was made with the intention of allowing people with healing trauma and addictions to sleeping potions to be able to safely and painlessly use Dreamless Sleep up to twice a week. I also invented an alternative formulation of the standard Dreamless Sleep potion. Both of these recipes have been tested and are registered with the Potions Guild.
I will send my NEWT scores to you once I have received them at the end of July. Thank you for taking the time to consider me as an apprentice.
-Rachel Snow'
Rachel read over her letter once and decided it hit all the salient points and that Severus would tell her if she needed to change something. She picked up a copy of each of her recommendation letters and made a small pile so she knew what went together. Next up was the letter to Master Gregg McDonald, and then the letter to Mistress Sally Stratford. Then she could be done with this for the time being.
"Pass!" Draco called.
Rachel tossed the quaffle backwards, knowing exactly where Draco was, and then gratefully held on tight to her broom again. She'd never be able to play the Chaser position competitively again, or play Chaser's Folly, but at least she could fly. She was so used to her tremors by now that she didn't pay as much attention to the things she needed to do to work with them. She needed a charmed quill to write, needed to charm her potions equipment, needed a superior broom, and couldn't cast a few difficult spells or play the Chaser position. It wasn't perfect, but she could work with it.
She fell back so that Draco could fly ahead and score on the empty rings. He did a loop, flew down to grab the Quaffle out of the air and flew back up to meet Rachel. "We done? We've been out here for two hours."
"Sure," she said. It had felt good to fly and she knew it was time to come down and back to reality, but she just wanted the escape no matter how temporary it was. "Can I ask you a question?"
Draco raised his eyebrows at her. "Do I even want to know what follows that?"
"You don't have to answer. I wasn't trying to make you uncomfortable." She worried about Draco sometimes. Not in the same way that she used to two years ago, but more just that he seemed to go through phases of being more and less involved in the study group and she wasn't sure why.
"Fine, ask, but the answer is I don't know," he said, turning his gaze away.
She felt her brow furrow as she watched Draco. "What question did you think I was going to ask?"
"You were going to ask me to fight for the Order. Weren't you?"
Rachel shook her head. "I was going to ask if you had scheduled for coaches to come watch our upcoming game with Hufflepuff. Draco, you don't have to fight for the Order. You don't have to do anything for the Order, that wasn't the deal."
"The deal?" he asked.
"When you left your family. There were no strings with that. No one is asking you to fight-"
"Aren't they? After all this training we've been doing and you're saying they're not asking me to fight?"
"You're getting training for the same reason I'm getting training. People want us dead. We need to be able to defend ourselves. I thought you liked training with Tonks and Kingsley?" she asked, wondering what had happened to the conversation she'd been trying to have.
"Training and the DA is just training and the DA. It's not going to be anything like really killing someone. We're playing. All we've been doing is playing. Do you think you can kill someone? Because I don't. I don't think either of us can kill anyone."
It figured that out of everyone in her life that Draco was the one who knew she couldn't kill the Dark Lord. "Maybe not kill, but maybe we can stop them from kidnapping us." And hopefully the war would be over before Draco had to try and make these decisions.
"What are you doing after Hogwarts? Are you really going to try and do a mastery?"
"Probably not. There won't be time."
Draco nodded. "That's what I figured. I know we have to be behind some heavy wards. And the Fidelius charm. I'm not sure Sirius wants me back."
"Why wouldn't he? He likes you. He seemed to like Pansy just fine. I thought the two of you were planning to have a flat in Sirius' attic? Did something change?" Rachel asked, trying to figure out Draco's train of thought.
"He likes you. He tolerates me."
"What happened? Did something happen over Christmas? Or over the summer?" she pressed, flying a little closer.
"Nothing happened. I just know these things. I know how people feel about me. They tolerate me. It's always been that way. My friends tolerated me when we were kids because their parents told them too. The study group tolerates me because you asked them to. Sirius tolerates me because Professor Snape asked him to. I know how these things work," Draco insisted.
Rachel considered him for a long moment. "Do you want some advice that my mind healer gave me?"
"Why not? What does your mind healer have to say about that? How would they even know what I'm saying?" he asked.
"Because I sort of do the same thing and this is what she tells me. She says we can't really know what people think, and a lot of the time when we think we know, we're actually projecting what we think is true into their thoughts, or what we're afraid is true. I am afraid that people think I'm weak. Because of what happened to me when I was a kid. And because I have bad nightmares or get upset. And I felt sure that everyone thought I was weak. But my mind healer said that what that really meant was I was afraid that I was weak, because I couldn't stop people from hurting me. I think she'd say the same thing to you, that you're afraid that other people only tolerate you and that you can't have genuine relationships. And that makes sense, because of the way things happened when you were a kid. But I care about you. And I believe that the study group cares about you and that Sirius and Remus care about you too. And I know Pansy cares about you, she says so often enough. Maybe try talking to people one on one and see how they really feel instead of just assuming that you know."
Draco was quiet for a long time, his gaze fixed past Rachel. "I don't think you're weak. I think anyone sane who has gone through what you have should be hiding right now. The fact that you're out here doing things, I think that says a lot."
"I haven't always been though. There have been lots of times that I've hidden," she pointed out.
"Still doesn't make you weak. Sometimes hiding is the only thing you can do that makes sense," he said, his mouth going flat before he smoothed his expression. "How do I know people aren't just saying it when they say that they care about me? How do I know they aren't saying it because they think they're supposed to?"
"I suppose you don't know that and you have to give them some trust while still using your own judgment. I don't think any of our friends would say that they cared about you because they thought they were supposed to. And I know Sirius wouldn't, he doesn't care about what he's supposed to do, he just does what he wants and thinks is right. Come to Headquarters with me on Sunday and talk with Sirius. Really talk with him. I think he wants you to talk with him. You and I and the Tonks family are the only family he has. Well, and I suppose Remus is like family to him, and maybe Malcolm will be too. But you know what I mean. And in the meantime, talk with our friends here. Start with Hermione, she always says what she means. Luna would also be good for that, she's very direct."
The corners of Draco's mouth quirked up a little. "If anyone would give it to me straight, it would be Hermione and Luna."
Theo was also very direct, but Rachel was also less certain of Theo's answer to how he felt about Draco. She knew they got along a lot better now than they used to, but she wasn't sure how much Theo's feelings had changed about him. "You know that I care about you, right? As friends."
Draco nodded. "I've never understood why. You were real friends with me before that night. And that night didn't change that."
Rachel shrugged. "I don't think there's an explanation for why people care about each other. It just happens. Some day you just realize that you care about someone and they become your friend."
"Sometimes I think your world works very differently than mine."
"Maybe. I want to land, my thighs are going numb," she said. If she stayed out here much longer she was going to get sunburned as well.
"My ass is already numb. Race you back to the locker rooms." He took off without waiting for her.
"Cheat!" she called as she flew after him. With the advantage of her Firebolt, she'd closed the distance by the time they'd landed by the locker rooms. "So, are you having coaches come out for the Hufflepuff game?"
"No. When I was younger, I thought I wanted to play professionally, but now I know I like Quidditch enough that I just want to play for fun. You're not joining the league, are you?" he asked as he stretched his legs.
"No. I just wanted to know if I could." Rachel set down her broom and took a moment to stretch herself. Quidditch wasn't usually physically exerting, but she was still stiff after holding herself on a broom for so long.
"What are you going to do?" he asked.
"Do whatever it takes to make sure this war ends sooner rather than later."
He looked at her for a long moment and then nodded. "I suppose that's the only thing you can do given everything."
Rachel nodded. She was glad someone understood that.
They weren't cornered yet, but they were getting closer. She, Ginny, and Draco were back to back in a triangle. Hermione, Ron, and Millie were to the left on Ginny's side. Theo, Neville, and Luna were to the far right, popping up from behind cover to take potshots at them. Rachel was pushing back against Hermione's group with Ginny, trying to force them into taking cover and to back further away. There was cover about three meters away, but they were being pushed further and further away from it. Rachel hadn't seen Tonks and Kingsley in about ten minutes, but she knew they were just waiting for someone to display a moment of weakness in order to strike.
Ginny cast the practice spell at Millie, causing Millie to quickly shield. Rachel followed it up with another practice spell when she saw Millie moving to cast back and Millie stumbled and went down.
"Ron next, keep Millie down," Ginny said under her breath.
Rachel shielded as Hermione sent a Tripping Jinx at them and then sent another practice spell at Millie to keep her down while Ginny was contending with Ron. She felt Draco bump into her back as he stumbled. "Alright?" she called.
"Fine, we need to move left before they move forward," he called back.
In the moment she was distracted, Rachel was hit by the practice spell and she was pushed to her knees by the force of the spell, but she barely registered the smack of the spell against her body. They were all casting that spell at full power these days, partially because Tonks and Kingsley had told them to stop pulling their punches and partially because they knew that pushing their opponent back wasn't going to give them more than a second of reprieve - they needed to push their opponent down.
"Shields and break for it," Rachel instructed, arranging herself so that she could push off from one knee and stay low while she ran so she presented less of a target. She started casting the practice spell in quick succession, not aiming at anyone in particular but trying to force them to shield instead of casting back. She could keep that up for about five minutes if pressed, though that was never necessary. The only reason their mock battles went on as long as they did is they weren't using stunners or more lethal spells.
Rachel, Draco, and Ginny made it to the small area of cover and hunkered down as their friends regrouped and started casting back.
"Who are we pushing?" Draco asked.
"Theo, we can't let him advance on us," Rachel answered without having to think about it.
"I'll watch Hermione's group and keep them from moving," Ginny said.
"There goes Luna," Draco said, popping up to his knees.
Rachel also crouched so that she could see and duck down if she needed to. Ducking and shielding took about the same amount of time, but she could cast her next spell faster if she ducked instead of shielded.
Luna went down and began dragging herself to the next cover. Rachel focused her spells on where Theo and Neville were still waiting to move and then took a practice spell in the face. She fell down, her face smarting slightly where her glasses had dug into her skin, and reminded herself if this had been a real battle that would have killed her. She needed to be more careful.
In the time it took her to recover, Neville was on the move and had made it to Luna.
"Keep them divided," Draco said. "I have those two if you have Theo."
"On it," Rachel said, casting and forcing Theo back into cover. "Ginny, you alright?"
"For now, but they're getting ready to move and I'm not going to be able to stop them. We need to get them to fight each other instead of us."
Rachel continued to send spell after spell at Theo, forcing him to recast his shield over and over. "What do we want to do?"
"Break for the next cover, that puts us out of the line of sight of Hermione," Draco said, focusing on keeping Neville and Luna down.
"When?" Ginny asked, her voice tense.
"Now or never," Draco said. "Go."
They moved. Out of the corner of her eye Rachel saw Ginny go down. Rachel put up her strongest shield, grabbed Ginny's elbow and helped her run across the space until they were on the far side of the room. Draco stumbled as he was hit, but managed to stay on his feet. They ducked down panting and immediately reoriented themselves to shield.
As they had wanted, this put Theo's group and Hermione's group directly in line of sight, and while Theo's group had used the opportunity to move back together, Hermione's group was now pressing forward.
"Who are we targeting?" Ginny asked.
"Theo, they're closest to being a threat to us," Draco answered.
"If we drive back Theo, that will allow Hermione to advance and they'll be right on top of us," Rachel pointed out.
"So we just let them fight?" Ginny asked.
Before they could decide Kingsley was clapping his hands and telling them that they were done. They all got wearily got to their feet and went out into the center of the room.
"Everyone alright?" Tonks asked as they regrouped.
"A little shaken, but I suppose it's really like that, isn't it?" Luna asked.
"It's pretty common for even long-time combatants to feel a little shaken after a battle. You'll probably find yourself dissecting it later, trying to determine what exactly happened and what you might have done differently. With the aurors, after a battle, we sit and talk through it, checking to see where mistakes were made, where we might need to reinforce training on something, what we might have done differently and how that would affect the outcome of the battle. Sometimes we discover that a mistake at one point actually changes the course of the battle in our favor. It's never predictable. You train, you do the best you can in the moment, and then you put yourself back together. What would you have done differently?" Kingsley asked.
"I would have waited to see if we could push Rachel and Draco further away before we tried to move. We thought that getting closer would let us push them back, but they were still too focused on us when we tried to make that move. If we could have communicated and made an alliance with Hermione, we could have had her group distract them to allow us to move," Luna said, looking thoughtful.
"Coordination with larger groups is something you're going to have to learn. You can't usually talk in the middle of the battle. The trick is you want to be predictable to your team, but unpredictable to the Death Eaters. You plan in advance, if the Death Eaters move forward, this team moves here, your team advances there. It's a little like chess," Tonks said.
"I can see that, but it's harder because you are only in control of one piece, or three at the most. It's a strategy; when the knight moves to king's pawn, rook advances. You just have to make sure all of your pieces know what moves to make," Ron said, sounding excited.
"Precisely. There are only so many moves that your enemy can make, though the board changes that every time. Depending on what your roles are as things progress, you'll be taught what you're supposed to do in response. We can't teach you that now because we don't know where you'll end up. That being said, if any of you are considering the aurors after you leave Hogwarts, I think it has the potential to be a good fit for any of you," Kingsley said as he looked them over.
"What about the NEWT requirements? I know I don't meet all of them. I didn't keep Potions," Ron asked.
"You passed your Potions OWL?" Kingsley checked.
"Exceeds expectations. Certainly exceeded my expectations after the scores I was getting on my homework," Ron said.
"They're currently evaluating incoming aurors on a case by case basis. We need combat ready people more than we need specific exam scores. Do well on the rest of your NEWTs, particularly your Defense NEWT, and I'm willing to put in a good word for you," Kingsley said.
Ron nodded eagerly. "Thank you."
"That goes for the rest of you too, though if I'm not mistaken, all of you are already in the NEWT classes required for the Auror Training Program," Kingsley said.
"I think most of us have our hearts set on masteries, unfortunately," Hermione said.
Tonks nodded. "That's fine too, but joining the aurors doesn't have to be forever and neither does joining the Order. We'll always need aurors, but the war is temporary."
"What happens to the Order and the aurors if we're forced out of Britain?" Ginny asked.
"If we lose the Ministry, the aurors and the MLE become independent fighting forces. We stay and use guerilla tactics to protect people as we assist the Order in evacuating everyone from Britain who wants to leave. Once we've done that, we retreat to the continent and assist in coordinating a fighting force that will help us take back Britain, this time without having to worry about civilian casualties. We're hoping that the ICW will see reason. No one wants the war to spread to western Europe the way the war with Grindelwald did," Kingsley explained.
"Will it really come to that?" Neville asked.
Kingsley shook his head. "Can't say at this point. We have some potential opportunities if we can get things to line up, but right now it's up in the air. We're currently losing the war, but that does not mean the war is lost yet. Right now the Wizengamot is hanging on with forty eight sitting members. It's possible they'll hold out until the elections in late July, but we will lose the Ministry at the start of August at the latest. Right now we're just doing what we can to keep people alive." He glanced ever so briefly at Rachel.
Rachel nodded to herself. This was her task and she knew she bore the responsibility for ending the war before they lost the Ministry. Once they had to start evacuating Britain this whole thing became much more difficult.
"That's it for today, we'll see you next Sunday," Kingsley said.
They thanked Kingsley and Tonks and left the room as a group.
"Hermione?" Ron asked as they walked.
"Yes?"
"Would you be willing to help me? I need to really study for some of these exams. I'm alright in Defense and Charms, but I'm not sure where to start with Herbology and Transfiguration, especially Transfiguration.
Hermione smiled. "We can help you. It will be a tight fit for getting everything in before June, but we can help you."
"Thanks," he said, sounding like he genuinely meant it.
"Neville, maybe you can start with Herbology with Ron tonight? I'm going with Rachel and Draco to Headquarters for Easter dinner in about twenty minutes." Hermione suggested.
"I can do that," Neville said.
"Anyone else want to come for Easter dinner? Sirius said it was an open invitation," Rachel asked.
"No thank you, I'd like a quiet night and dinner with Sirius is never quite quiet," Luna said.
"I think I'm alright here," Theo said.
"Me too. But have a good time," Millie said.
Rachel nodded. She wasn't sure it would be actually a good time, but it was important that she saw Sirius and Remus while she could.
"You all recall the passphrase?" Severus asked, looking over the three of them.
"We do," Rachel said.
"What happens if we don't know the passphrase?" Hermione asked.
"You get stunned and held under guard until we can confirm your identities," Severus explained.
Rachel thought that was better than killing someone outright because they forgot the passphrase.
"Has Headquarters ever been breached?" Draco asked.
"Not to our knowledge, but that does not mean that the possibility does not exist. In the last war both sides used spies and double agents; it would be foolish not to assume they're being used again. If you are concerned, you do not have to return to Headquarters."
"We're not concerned. I mean, it is concerning, but we still want to go," Hermione said.
Rachel nodded and Draco inclined his head slightly.
"It's time then. Mr. Black is expecting you. Call through first to make sure someone is there to receive you," Severus said, motioning toward the fireplace.
She stepped forward, took a handful of floo powder and tossed it into the flames. "Twelve Grimmauld Place. Sirius, are you there?"
"We're here, come on through," Sirius called back.
Rachel took a breath and then stepped into the fireplace, holding her arms close to her chest. She much preferred apparating over flooing, but it was safer to floo from Severus' office than it was to walk off grounds to apparate. They'd taken to flooing to Spinner's End and then apparating to near Torey's office instead of walking off the grounds on Saturday mornings.
She stepped out into Sirius' kitchen, Hermione, and then Draco only seconds behind her, and was unsurprised to find Sirius and Remus with their wands drawn. "The path forward grows steeper and thornier," she said, her hand on her own wand just because that's where she naturally reached for when someone was pointing their wand at her.
"And we yet we push forward toward the horizon," Sirius finished, shaking his head. "We need to stop letting Dumbledore set these passwords."
"Perhaps," Remus said. "How are the three of you?"
"We're doing fairly well under the circumstances. Have you seen my parents?" Hermione asked.
"I believe they're upstairs in their flat, I've only seen them briefly today when they were picking up grocery packets. I know they're cooking Easter dinner in anticipation of your arrival. They were pleased that you were coming," Remus said.
"I better go see them then. I'll be back around eight for us to floo back to the castle. Thank you for letting me use your floo to visit them," Hermione said, moving to leave the kitchen.
"Of course, any time, Hermione," Remus called after her.
"You two keeping busy?" Sirius asked.
"We are. Studying and flying seem to fill up most of our time, even on break," Rachel said.
"She's studying at least. I'm not worried about my NEWTs," Draco said.
"I don't think either of you have anything to worry about in regards to your NEWTs," Remus said.
"I'm not particularly worried about them, but I'm staying caught up with class at least," Rachel said. "I was planning to go check on Kreacher. Draco, did you want to talk with Sirius for a bit?"
Draco gave her a look that said he wasn't impressed.
"Something we need to talk about?" Sirius asked.
"We should perhaps discuss what happens after I finish at Hogwarts," Draco said.
"I was assuming you were coming back here, but we can talk about it if you want to," Sirius said. "Come on, the sitting room is free. Remus, you alright here?"
"I can watch the floo and the stove," Remus said.
"Rachel?" Sirius asked.
"I'm going to go see Kreacher, I'll be down in a little bit." She left the kitchen and hoped that Draco would discuss more than just what was happening after Hogwarts, but she didn't think it was her place to tell Sirius that Draco needed to be reassured that people actually cared about him. Nothing good came from interfering with other people's relationships unless they specifically asked for that sort of help.
Rachel climbed the staircase and went to Kreacher's door, knocking before she knelt down.
"Kreacher heard Miss arrive," he said as soon as the door was opened.
"Can you hear everything that happens in the house?" Rachel asked.
"If Kreacher chooses to listen. Many people are in the house now, many more than ever before. Kreacher mostly listens to the traitor and the wolf. And to Miss. Kreacher is responsible for them. Kreacher leaves the muggle filth alone."
"They're not filth, they're just humans who don't have magic," she said, keeping her tone gentle.
"If Miss says so," Kreacher said, bowing his head slightly.
Rachel frowned. She didn't want Kreacher to change his mind just because she told him to, she wanted him to understand. "There are people who have different views of muggles for a lot of reasons. I know your Mistress and your Master felt that muggles were bad and dirty, but I suspect they hadn't met many muggles either. Then there are people like me. I grew up with muggles and then I came to the magical world. From what I can tell, the muggles aren't any different from magical people, they just can't do magic."
Kreacher stared at her with what seemed like a very severe expression. "Kreacher knows what the muggles did to Miss. They hurt Miss. They violated Miss' body and mind. Miss wasn't safe from the muggles until she went to Hogwarts."
She swallowed. She hadn't known that Kreacher knew about that. She couldn't help but wonder if Kreacher had gotten that from the newspaper or from Sirius and Remus talking about her. Hopefully it was from the paper. "Magical people have hurt me too. My hand tremors and some of my other problems are from magical people hurting me, and those people believed that muggles were filthy and that magical people shouldn't have anything to do with them."
"Kreacher would not hurt Miss."
"I know that, I'm not trying to say that you would. I'm trying to say that there are some muggles who will hurt people, but there are a lot who won't. And there are some magical people who will hurt people, but a lot of them won't either. Some muggles hurting me doesn't say something bad about all muggles, just like the Death Eaters hurting me doesn't say something bad about all magical people. I know how hard it is to go against something you grew up believing and I'm not trying to tell you what you should believe. I just want you to know that you can decide for yourself what to believe. No one has the right to tell you what to believe."
He watched her and looked as though he was concentrating very hard. "The wolf says that Kreacher frightens the muggles."
"Unfortunately that's probably true. There aren't any other creatures in the muggle world that have sentient speech. It's frightening for them to see something that isn't human that can converse with them," she explained, but felt she needed to follow up on that so Kreacher would know he wasn't the problem there. "There's nothing wrong with being a House Elf and I would guess that some of the muggles here just aren't ready for things that are confusing to them. That's not your fault. How are you, Kreacher?"
"Kreacher does not know what answer Miss wants to that question. Miss does not seem satisfied with the answer Kreacher gives."
"I want to know if something is wrong, or if someone is mistreating you, that way I can help fix it so that you're safe and well cared for. I also want to know if you need or want something. Usually, when a human is asked that question, they answer with how they're feeling and if something needs changing with their situation."
Kreacher seemed to ponder that for a moment. "Kreacher has his work. Kreacher is useful and takes care of the people here, including young Master. Kreacher is being fed and has his own room. How is Miss?"
"I'm alright for the most part. Pretty busy with exams coming up," she said, figuring that was a safe answer.
"Kreacher knows what they want Miss to do."
"What do you mean?" Rachel asked.
"They want Miss to kill the Dark Lord. Miss should run before they force her to try. Kreacher can take Miss."
"Thank you, but I need to stay." She mentally added another letter to her list that she needed to write. It seemed like Kreacher needed a personal explanation for her death as well. She was almost done with her letters, which she'd been writing in the evenings in Severus' quarters this past week.
"Miss should flee," Kreacher repeated. "Or Miss will die like Master."
Rachel couldn't bring herself to lie to him and say that it would be alright. "I'll do whatever is necessary to end the war."
Kreacher pulled on his ears, but bowed his head. "Master would not listen either."
"He did what he thought was the right thing. I think that's all we really can do. And by doing what he did, he helped us. And then you helped us by keeping it safe until we knew about it."
"And then Miss helped destroy the locket. Miss helped fulfill Master's last order. Miss will do what she believes she must, but Miss will die."
There wasn't much she could say to that. It was all true. "I'm glad we knew each other, Kreacher. I'm glad I met you."
"Kreacher is glad Miss was here. Miss will be mourned. Does Miss have a portrait?" he asked.
"No portrait. But I have photos. I can send you one, if that's something you want?"
"Yes, a photo of Miss, to go with Kreacher's frames."
"I'll make sure one is set aside for you," she promised. She could put that in Kreacher's letter to make sure that he got it.
"Kreacher must turn the duck or it will burn on the bottom."
"Okay. I'm glad we got to talk." Rachel felt a little bit guilty that she hadn't planned to say goodbye to Kreacher like this. She should have. She knew he didn't have a lot of support, but outside of her letters back and forth with him, Rachel hadn't given a lot of thought to Kreacher this year. She needed to do better.
After Kreacher's door shut, Rachel stood and decided to go check on Malcolm while she had a moment. She wasn't close to Malcolm, he had his own friends at school, but she should still offer him support while she had the opportunity. Besides, if Sirius and Draco were still talking, she wasn't going to interrupt them. She hoped they were.
A few minutes later she knocked on Malcolm's door.
The door opened slowly and Malcolm peered out. "Sirius said you would be here today," he said.
"I try to come have meals with him on holidays, I don't get to see him as much as I'd like to," Rachel said. "How are things here?"
Malcolm shrugged but opened the door further and stepped back to let her inside. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," Rachel said, perching on the edge of an armchair while Malcolm sat on the end of his bed.
"What happens to us when we have to leave Britain? I hear the Order making arrangements for everyone to leave. Where do we go?"
Rachel wondered if that was by Professor Dumbledore's command and if he really thought that the war was going to stretch out beyond the summer or if this was just a worst case scenario back up. "We go with them. I imagine you'll wind up staying with Sirius and Remus, and I think Draco and Pansy are coming along as well. A lot of us might be going, so we'll probably end up in smaller groups because it will be safer that way. I promise that you'll be protected. They aren't going to leave you behind."
"Are you a member of the Order?" he asked, looking intensely worried.
"Not exactly. Professor Dumbledore doesn't allow anyone to join the Order until they've finished at Hogwarts, but that may have to be more flexible if we're on the run." Rachel paused and then decided that she should reassure him. "I don't think it's going to come to us fleeing. It could, but I don't think it will."
"You don't think the Death Eaters are going to take over the Wizengamot and then the Ministry the next time there's an election?" A note of skepticism had crept into his tone.
"I think they will if given the opportunity, but I also know Professor Dumbledore is working to end the war before that happens. There's no guarantee, of course, but if anyone could make that happen it would be Professor Dumbledore." That wasn't entirely a lie. After all, Professor Dumbledore would probably be the one delivering the killing blow.
"You really believe that? I don't think Sirius believes that."
Rachel somewhat suspected that Sirius didn't think she could kill the Dark Lord either, even if he wouldn't come out and say it. "I believe it's a possibility and I know it's what Professor Dumbledore is working on. I think Sirius has a different assessment of Professor Dumbledore's abilities than I do. They don't always seem to get along."
Malcolm didn't look particularly reassured. "Sirius fights with Professor Dumbledore? Why?"
"Not fights with him. They just have very different perspectives and Professor Dumbledore is kind of the one who makes the important decisions. They don't always believe the same things, so sometimes they don't think the same decision is the right one."
"Do you think Sirius would leave the Order?"
"No, no way," Rachel said, shaking her head. "Sirius was in the Order in the first war as well. He joined with my dad and with Remus straight out of Hogwarts. He wouldn't leave. At the end of the day, Sirius and Professor Dumbledore believe the same thing: the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord must be stopped. Even if they don't always agree on strategy, they will work together."
"Are you joining the Order? Are Draco and Pansy? What about Theo?" Malcolm asked.
"I am and Theo is planning to as well. Draco is still deciding. I'm not sure that Pansy knows about the Order yet. Professor Dumbledore is usually the one who tells people about it and I don't think Pansy will be told until she is invited to live here."
"She needs to go somewhere safe. Somewhere away from her parents. They tried to hide the news that Pansy ran away, but it came out."
Rachel hesitated, but decided she needed to ask. "Do you know what happened to Pansy's parents after that?"
Malcolm shook his head slightly. "I think the Dark Lord was angry. My father laughed about it and said that Wardell should have known better than to hide things from the Dark Lord. He should have. The Dark Lord knows everything and he can take your thoughts from your mind."
"It's called legilimency and the Dark Lord is a natural legilimens. You can learn occlumency to protect your mind, but your shields would have to be pretty strong to keep the Dark Lord out. And he doesn't know everything. He didn't know about what your father was doing."
Malcolm's eyes were wide. "How would you know something like that?"
"I have sources." She didn't want to go into the whole tale of her connection thing. Malcolm had enough going on in his life without carrying around a secret like that.
"For not being in the Order, you are very involved and informed about the war," he said after a moment.
"That's true. So how have things been here this past week?"
"It's a little eerie to see the Order come and go. They come through at night sometimes, after battles. There are more muggles now. They come downstairs for things, but not too much. They're taking them away to the continent; one family left a few days ago, but another family came in after that. They can't save all the muggles like that, there are too many of them."
"They're focusing on muggle family members of muggleborns and half-bloods, because they're in the most danger. They aren't bringing in random muggles because they don't know about magic at all. They'd be confused if someone told them to flee," she explained.
"Come down for dinner!" Sirius called from somewhere downstairs.
"You alright?" Rachel checked as she stood.
Malcolm shrugged. "I guess so. You?"
"More or less. Let's go have dinner. I hear we're having duck." Rachel led the way out and hoped that all of her conversations today weren't going to be about the war.
"Can I stay tonight?" Rachel asked once she had returned from Headquarters by floo.
"Of course," he told her, wishing she didn't feel the need to ask.
"I'm going to go get my things for the night then, I'll be right back," she said, leaving his office with Draco and Hermione.
Severus knew she was anticipating having a vision tonight because it was a holiday. While he thought it was wise to take precautions, he was also uncertain about what would happen. The Dark Lord hadn't contacted her in any way since he had refused the lure a month ago. Neither he nor Albus knew what to make of that.
On one hand, it was a relief that Rachel wasn't struggling with her conversations with the Dark Lord. He knew that Rachel found those experiences stressful and he couldn't blame her in the slightest. They were asking her to walk a very narrow path with potentially deadly consequences if she faltered. On the other hand, the more time they took luring the Dark Lord, the more people died and the greater the likelihood that the Ministry would fall and they'd be forced from Britain. Leaving Britain would complicate the final battle greatly.
If things reached the point where an election was forced due to the absence of Wizengamot members - or if they made it to the scheduled elections in July - and the Dark Lord was still not speaking to her, they would have Rachel send a Patronus with the message that she wished to face him in battle. The Dark Lord would find some way to respond, he was certain of it.
Rachel returned to his office about ten minutes after she'd left with her bag slung over her shoulder. She looked tired and worn.
"How was dinner with your godfather?" he asked as they moved to enter their quarters.
"Fine. It was good to see them. I think you need to talk with Malcolm," she said, moving toward the sofa.
Severus sat down in his armchair and looked at where Rachel was pulling things out of her bag. "He is having difficulty at Headquarters?" He supposed he should have suspected as much.
"Well, he seems to be doing better than he was over the Christmas holiday. I think it will just take time. It's a big adjustment and Sirius is very different from Malcolm's father. He doesn't know how to anticipate Sirius yet and that will take some time. He's worried about the war. Which is understandable, we're all worried about the war, but he's young enough that he has to rely on adults to watch out for him. I think he was worried he was going to be left behind if we have to evacuate Britain, but I promised him he wouldn't be. I think it would help him to hear a specific plan of what he's supposed to do if we need to leave and what things will look like after that."
"I will assure him that he will be cared for and protected. As to what things will look like under those circumstances, I only have a vague idea. We've arranged safe houses, but more likely than not we will be continually traveling so that we are more difficult to find. By now we should have evacuation groups arranged. I will check with Albus so I know who is going with our group. I'm of two minds about keeping Malcolm with us. We're simultaneously the group in the most danger and the most protected group," he admitted.
"I think Malcolm needs to stay with Sirius if Sirius is going to be his guardian. And I'm a little worried Sirius is going to insist on being with us. Will you be alright with that?" she asked, her eyebrows raised.
Severus cut back his initial answer that living and traveling with Black was so far down his list of desires that it didn't even register. "I trust that Black will do everything within his power to protect you and that is what I need from him. I doubt that living with him will be easy for either of us, but we both know how to work for a common goal." He was sincerely hoping that things did not reach that point, but it was wise to prepare in case it did.
"Would it be safer if it was just you and me? I'm worried that my connection with the Dark Lord is going to draw him to us."
He had considered this as well. "It would not do to be outnumbered if we were found. Albus and I believe we're better off traveling with a large group of capable defenders. We'll teach Malcolm to apparate this summer before the elections so that he's prepared."
Rachel looked uncertain but she nodded. "Do you think it's going to come to this?"
"No, but I think we should be ready just in case it does."
"I think I'm going to stay up for a few hours and see if I can ward off a vision just by being awake. I know it didn't work last time, but it seems to work at least some of the time," she said, pulling off her shoes and arranging a book and a piece of parchment on her lap.
"That's fine. I think that's reasonable." He would also prefer if she didn't have a vision. "You can take a break from homework. I know your NEWTs are close, but I don't want you to over study."
She shook her head. "I'm already done with the homework that was assigned over the holiday and I'm doing NEWT reviews with my study group. This is just personal writing. I'm not actually worried about my NEWTs. That's alright, isn't it?"
"That's fine. I believe you are more than prepared for your NEWTs and I'm glad that they aren't troubling you." He suspected she merely had too many things to worry about for her NEWTs to make much of an impression on her at the moment.
"I do feel pretty prepared. I'm not expecting that my scores will be perfect, but I believe I'll pass everything at least. And I think my Potions and Herbology scores will be good and those are the ones I really need."
"You'll do fine. I have no doubts about your capabilities in any of your subjects. You could have easily taken the Potions NEWT last year and done well on it."
"That's good to know. The Potions Championship was a lot of work, but I think it really gave us a head start on preparing for our NEWTs." She turned to her parchment and looked at it for a moment before she began to write.
Severus let her be. If she was journaling or writing to relax then that's what he wanted her to be doing. He picked up the book he'd been reading after dinner and found his place again. He could read while Rachel remained awake and then they would see what would happen.
The sitting room was quiet except for the scratch of Rachel's quill writing for a few minutes, then pausing, and then writing again, and the low crackling of the fire. It was a relief to sit still for a moment and to have a quiet evening. He got tea and biscuits for them at ten o'clock, and by eleven Rachel was lying down on the sofa with her writing supplies tucked back into her bag. He glanced up every now and then, but she didn't seem as though she was falling asleep.
Shortly after midnight she sat up. "It's starting," she said. "I can hear the screaming."
"Let me get your potions, I'll be right back," he said. He hurried into his lab and retrieved the Pain Relieving Potion and the Healing Salve. He intended to bandage Rachel's forehead as soon as it started bleeding.
He returned to the sitting room and sat next to Rachel's torso, ready to grab her to stop her from hurting herself during the vision if it became necessary. He set the potions on his lap. "What's happening?"
"Still screaming. I'm a little dizzy."
"Close your eyes, I'll be here the whole time. You'll get through this," he told her.
She nodded once and then closed her eyes. A few moments later her body went rigid and she started screaming.
Severus watched, feeling the tension knotting his shoulders. With any luck it wouldn't be long now before they stopped this from happening at all. He had many reasons to wish the Dark Lord dead, but seeing what he was doing to Rachel was very high on his list.
Her scar started running with blood and Severus covered it in a thick coat of Healing Salve and conjured a bandage around her forehead. She began to jerk, her arms rising to her chest in a futile gesture of protection.
"It's alright, I'm here. It's almost over," he told her, knowing that she couldn't hear him.
The vision went on for fifteen minutes. Rachel sat up abruptly, panting as tears ran down her face.
"Can you take a potion?" he asked.
She nodded and accepted the vial when he offered it to her. "Thanks," she said, her voice sounding hoarse.
"Is this something the Order or the MLE can do anything about?" he asked.
"No. Just a revel. I don't know where they are. I mean, I suppose we could go out and try and triangulate their position by apparating around?"
Severus didn't even have to consider that. "No. We may be able to narrow it down to a town, but by the time we do that and send the Order in to try and find them it will be over. Did you recognize anyone there? How many Death Eaters?"
Rachel's throat bobbed as she swallowed. "They were mostly in masks and hoods. Maybe thirty Death Eaters. Twenty five. Something like that. I don't want to write about this. It won't do any good. There's nothing there that knowing about it helps anyone."
"Then we'll just write in the book that it was a revel with all the attendant features with about twenty five to thirty Death Eaters and the Dark Lord in attendance. That along with the time and date is all that Albus needs to know. He'll understand what you aren't saying." He had no intention of forcing Rachel to describe torture and gang rape.
"Can I lay down out here for a bit? I don't think I can sleep right away."
"You can. Though if you'd like to take one of your modified Dreamless Sleep potions, that would ensure you don't dream about what you saw tonight," he suggested.
"Maybe later. I just don't want to sleep right now. You can go to bed if you want to," she said as she laid back down.
"I do not need to sleep right now." He was tired, but watching over Rachel was more important to that. "If there's anything you want to talk about, I'm available."
She shook her head again. "I just don't want to think right now."
"That's fine. You may speak of it, or not, as you choose." Severus waited for a moment, half considering putting his hand on her shoulder, but decided that Rachel probably did not wish to be touched right now. He moved back to his armchair and settled in to wait.
At around one in the morning Rachel retreated to her bedroom, not because she was going to sleep, but because she didn't want to keep Severus up any longer. She had been harboring a secret hope that the Dark Lord was just done with her and wouldn't be sending any more visions or dreams. She wasn't even sure he had sent this one purposefully.
There wasn't much reason to send her these visions, especially not of his revels. The revels were horrifying in and of themselves. She was glad Severus had declined to try and find them. Even if the Order had managed to find people still alive, they wouldn't be rescuing them, they'd just be keeping them alive to suffer.
Then again, she supposed some people might think that way about her. She'd experienced torture. She'd experienced rape before she was old enough to know what sex was. At the same time, she wouldn't sign anyone else up for her life either. That was kind of the point - she didn't want anyone else to go through what she had and then have to live with it afterward.
There were a lot of good things in her life. There were a lot of good people in her life. She knew that she was very fortunate in some ways. But there was a part of her that thought that she wouldn't be so ready to die to end the war if she wasn't also ready to be done with this part of her life. She'd been imagining the afterlife as a place without suffering. She really hoped she was right about that. She also hoped she was right about getting to be with her parents. She thought she could manage some suffering if she was with them.
Either way, the vision had done what it always did - it reminded her how urgent it was that they ended the war. It wasn't like she forgot, but there was something very visceral about witnessing people being tortured and killed that made her antsy to push people to end the war. She thought if Professor Dumbledore was the one having these visions they wouldn't be waiting this long to end the war. She was half tempted to go put the memory of the vision in his pensieve and force him to see what this delay was causing.
There was one last thing she needed to do tonight. She'd finished the letters to her friends. She'd written a letter to Sirius and a letter to Remus. She'd written her letter to Kreacher just an hour before the vision, explaining things as clearly as she could because she still wasn't certain how good Kreacher's reading skills were. Now she needed to write a letter to Severus. She'd left this one to last, not because it wasn't important, but because she had been hoping writing the other letters would give her a better idea how to approach this. They hadn't.
Now was the time to write it though. She could rewrite it again later if she had the opportunity, but she needed it on paper in case she was called to battle soon.
She sat on her bed, her stuffed pillow bunny tucked under one arm and a book and a piece of parchment on her lap.
'Dear Severus,'
She tried to focus, pushing away the memory of people screaming. One woman, naked and bleeding, had tried to escape. They had caught her. Laughed at her. Rachel pushed that away too. It didn't help to think about what had happened to that woman next.
'I don't have the words to write down what you mean to me. My vocabulary doesn't extend that far, or perhaps it is simply a thing that doesn't translate to words. The words 'I love you' don't seem like enough, but they will have to suffice.
I know this is not the outcome that you wanted. I know that you would do absolutely anything to protect me. You have not failed.'
Rachel sat and tried to find the right words. She knew that nothing that she could write would fix this for Severus. She'd seen enough death and enough people left behind to know that words from beyond the grave didn't make the death of a loved one easier to bear.
'I made the choices I did, not because I wanted to leave you behind, but because I wanted to save what was left of our country. You have been my sanctuary - the first and last place I could ever call home. All you would have had to do is to ask me to do something, and I would do it. I will always be grateful to you.
Please do not believe that I did not try or that I died purposefully. I'm writing this letter as a precaution because what we are about to do is very dangerous for all of us. I didn't want my last words to you to be something said to you in the heat of battle.'
This letter was slightly different from the others. She had written to them to explain why she had died and how her actions allowed the war to end - though she hadn't told any of them about the horcruxes. She didn't think it would be wise to ever write down that horcruxes were even a thing that existed. Severus already knew all of that. He knew what she believed must happen. He knew the intricacies of the prophecy and the horcruxes. What she needed to say to him was much different.
'I am sorry.'
She looked down at the words and after a moment decided they felt right.
'I don't have any excuses. I'm not going to try and reason with you. I am dead and I know that's a pain that is never truly healed from. I know that this is me leaving you and I'm not certain what waits for us after we die, so I can't even promise that I will see you again.
You understand the realities of war better than anyone I know. You know what was at stake. You know of the lives we were trying to save and all of the reasons we had for going to this battle. And I know none of that matters right now, because loss is loss. The war may be won, but at what price?
I don't know what happens for you from here. I don't know what you decide to do with your life. What I want is for you to do something for yourself. You've spent more than half of your life in penance for mistakes you made as a teenager. I know how difficult forgiveness is, especially when the person you are trying to forgive is yourself. Go live your life. Maybe get out of Britain. Go back into invention instead of forcing yourself to teach. There are still things in the world for you.'
Rachel wasn't certain if any of that was hypocritical. If Severus was the one who had died, the last thing she'd want to hear was that she should live her life without him. It wasn't that she wanted him to forget her. She just wanted him to live with as little pain as possible.
'Please take good care of yourself. See a Mind Healer. Let yourself do things that you want to do. It will take time.
I love you and I miss you and I hope that we will see each other again when the time comes for both of us.
Your daughter in good faith, Rachel'
She bit her lip as she looked over the letter. She didn't want to leave Severus, even if it meant going to be with her parents. Yes, she was gaining something she always wanted, but she was still losing a parent.
This was important. Her death was important. She was doing this to save her family, her friends, her classmates, and her country. The prophecy had given her a duty above all else and she would do her duty no matter the cost.
She let the letter dry, folded it and put Severus' name on the outside, and then got up to tuck it into the secret compartment of her bag with her other letters. She would put them away in her drawer for now. She knew he wouldn't think of it right away, probably not until he was sorting through her things, but she knew he would look there eventually. She trusted that he would get all of her letters to the people they were addressed to.
That was that. She thought she was as ready for the final battle as she was going to get. They'd be starting lethal combat spells in their defense training in two weeks, but Rachel suspected she knew most if not all of the spells they were going to teach. The best thing she could do was work on being aware of her surroundings and not freezing up during combat.
Rachel laid back down on her bed fully dressed and not intending to sleep. If the Dark Lord wanted to speak with her, it would be tomorrow, not tonight. She would be ready to receive him.
Rachel slowly exhaled and flexed her hands. She was used to holding her magic for extended periods of time now and it didn't wear on her the way it used to. She was tired, but it was a distant thing. Every now and then her mind wandered, but she continued to bring it back to seeking her form.
She was reaching with her magic and she imagined climbing toward something and then grasping her form. It was like she could feel herself getting closer to it. She just had to slide inside and then…She opened her eyes as she realized she was shrinking. Thankfully she couldn't stop herself from changing the rest of the way, though it took her a moment to remember to keep breathing.
Her skin felt a little odd, but she supposed that was because of the fur. She could smell her friends much more strongly now. She recognized that they all used the same soap, though Hermione and Millie carried another scent from their shampoo and conditioner.
"Very good, Miss Snow," Professor McGonagall said.
Rachel kept looking around, a little daunted by how big everything was now and how much she wanted to get somewhere sheltered.
"Oh Rachel, you're a kitty! It's perfect!" Millie exclaimed.
She instinctively tried to reply but heard herself let out a short mew instead.
"You're so tiny. Are you a kitten?" Hermione asked.
"She's a rusty-spotted cat and that is her full grown size," Professor McGongall said.
"Well done, Rachel. You'll be able to hide just about anywhere with that form," Theo said.
"Congratulations. I can see your glasses pattern in your fur," Neville said, peering closer.
"I also have markings in my fur from my glasses," Professor McGonagall said. "Miss Snow, practice coming back now."
Rachel sat down, which was also a bit of an odd sensation as she simply moved her hindquarters down. She took a moment to examine her paws and how it felt to lift them and flex them. A careful flex revealed her claws. Sniffing the air revealed her whiskers quivering to either side of her nose. This would definitely take some getting used to, but she felt surprisingly comfortable as a cat. It felt right.
She closed her eyes, held her magic again, and focused on what it felt like to be in her human form and how to follow that pathway back out again. It seemed like it took a little while, but she felt prickling along her skin as her fur retreated and she found herself sitting awkwardly on the stone floor with her arms between her knees.
"You did it!" Millie said, grinning at her.
Rachel smiled back. She had changed all on her own! She moved back to her cushion, but felt fairly pleased with herself.
"Miss Snow, would you like to share your process with the others?" Professor McGonagall asked.
"I sort of imagined climbing up and grasping my form and sliding inside," Rachel explained.
"It's interesting that you picture climbing up when your form is getting much smaller than you are," Hermione said, looking thoughtful.
Rachel shrugged. "I don't know why, that's just the way it felt for me."
"From what I understand the path will be slightly different for each of you. As you work, make small changes to how you are guiding your mind. Look for what feels right instinctively. Miss Snow and Miss Bulstrode will continue to work on changing back and forth, the rest of you work on achieving your forms," Professor McGonagall instructed.
Rachel closed her eyes again, but she was still excited. She knew she needed more work to be able to change reliably, but she thought now that she'd found the path it would come much more easily. It took at least another ten minutes for her to change again and she carefully approached Millie's capybara form. According to Millie, capybaras were herbivores, so she thought they would be alright even if animal instincts did take over.
Millie looked enormous from down here. Millie managed to coordinate her limbs well enough to lie down and Rachel moved closer, smelling how Millie both smelled like herself and like something else entirely. It was a sort of damp earthy smell, but it wasn't bad.
"Excellent work, Mr. Nott. Please remember to constrain your instincts in your form, especially while there are prey animals in the room," Professor McGonagall said.
Rachel managed to turn herself around. Theo was huge too and he was…not a dog. He was a wolf. She hesitated before wobbling her way over to him. She was still getting used to four legs and Theo could easily crush her in his jaws without anyone having time to do anything.
"Wow, Theo," Neville said, sounding awed.
"You're big for a wolf. What type of wolf are you?" Hermione asked.
"Mr. Nott is an English wolf, which are now extinct. He will have to be very careful not to be seen. I'm afraid no one will mistake him for a dog and there are no longer wolves in Britain," Professor McGonagall explained.
Theo lowered his snout, his nose working as he smelled around him.
Rachel sniffed back at him. He smelled like tree roots and fur, but was still identifiable as Theo underneath that. She backed away and managed to climb back on her cushion. It took a bit, but she finally made it back into her human form. Theo was still big, even though she was now looking at him from a human perspective. "Congratulations. I think your form suits nicely and I bet Sirius will want to go running with you," she told him.
Theo made a wuffling sound that wasn't quite a bark.
"Come on back, Mr. Nott. You too Miss Bulstrode, we're about out of time today and I have another appointment to keep," Professor McGonagall said.
It took another five minutes but Millie and Theo both managed to turn back.
"Well done, all of you. I will see you again tomorrow at nine," Professor McGonagall said.
"Professor McGonagall. I know we're not supposed to use our forms anywhere but here, especially while we're not registered, but would it be alright if I showed Severus?" Rachel asked.
"That would be fine. I know he knows how to change you back if you get stuck. You may wish to set a time limit with him in advance so he knows when to change you, it's much better for you to change yourself at this stage in the process," Professor McGonagall said. "However, I am still asking for all of you not to use your forms at Hogwarts unless you are under life threatening circumstances in which you need to escape."
"We won't," Theo promised.
"I'm not even sure my form would be all that useful in escaping, but I won't change anywhere but here until you say it's okay," Millie said.
"Good. You are all progressing well. I anticipate that you'll all have your forms in the next six weeks or so. Have a good day and remember to take breaks," she said, nodding to dismiss them.
"Thank you," Rachel said, feeling much more energized than when she'd come in to meditate this morning.
They collected their bags and left the classroom. Rachel turned to her friends. "I want to go see Severus while I still feel pretty confident I can do this."
"That's fine. We'll see you before lunch?" Hermione asked.
"You will. I don't expect I'll be long at all," Rachel said.
"How did it feel for you, Theo?" Neville asked. "What were you picturing?"
"Actually, I tried Rachel's going up technique. It wasn't quite like climbing, it was more like swimming towards the surface of a pond and reaching, and then I just slid into my form," Theo said.
"Mine doesn't work like that at all. I wonder why they are so different?" Millie asked.
"Well, when I was learning Looking through space with Professor Dumbledore, he wouldn't tell me what his looked like because he didn't want to influence what I saw. Maybe it's like that and we all just have different internal mental workings?" Rachel suggested.
"I think I need to start a list of the things that I've tried and then come up with variants on them to try. I'm not sure anything has felt instinctively right yet," Hermione said, her hand resting against her mouth as she thought. "Let's take an hour and do whatever brainstorming or individual projects that we need to."
"Fine with me, I'm going to the library," Theo said.
"I'll come with you. Rachel, do you want one of us to walk you to the dungeons?" Millie asked.
"No, I'm fine. I'm not worried about anyone who is currently in the school," Rachel said, though she also knew that was precisely the time that she should worry. Either way, she thought she could handle herself and the Dark Lord would not have given instruction to someone inside the school to try to kill her now.
"I'm going back to the study room, I'm going to think for a bit," Neville said as they reached the staircase.
"I'm going there too, maybe we can help give each other ideas," Hermione said.
"See you in a bit," Rachel said. She went down the staircase, not seeing anyone at all, and then through the entrance hall, around the side, and then down the dungeon corridor. She knocked on Severus' office door and then let herself in when Severus called for her to enter.
"Is something wrong?" he asked, setting down a quill.
"No, actually I want to show you something and Professor McGonagall said I could since you could change me back if I got stuck," Rachel said. "Can we go to the sitting room?"
"Of course, it's better to do this privately," Severus said.
They went through the wall and Rachel set her bag next to the sofa where she usually set it and turned to face Severus. "Alright. Change me back if I haven't managed it in fifteen minutes after I've changed."
"I will," he said.
"This might take a moment," she warned him. She sat down on the rug and closed her eyes. Finding her magic was easy now. Mentally she began climbing up towards her form, recreating the feeling of reaching, and then grasping her form. She left her eyes closed all the way through the prickling feeling of changing and then opened them to find herself much closer to the rug.
Severus smelled like a lot of things. There was soap, but also dozens of other things that she suspected were potions ingredients, though she was having difficulty differentiating them. She might have Severus set out ingredients later on for her to smell and see what she could identify.
He knelt down on the rug and reached a hand towards her. "You did always want a cat, but I did not expect you to get one in this way."
Rachel mewed in response, but walked towards his hand and sniffed it before rubbing against his fingers. She still did want a cat, but that would have to be one of those things that didn't work out for her. It was alright, she'd spent her school years with Midnight and that was enough.
"Why are you still a kitten? I expected you to have an adult form. You may be slight in stature, but you are full grown."
She meowed again and decided she was going to have to turn back to her human form to explain that she was not a kitten and that just like in her human body, this was just the size she was as an adult. She sat and closed her eyes and focused.
She wasn't sure how long it took, but she finally felt the strange prickling and stretching feeling and when she opened her eyes she was sitting on the rug next to Severus. "I do have an adult form. I'm a rusty-spotted cat. They're indigenous to India and are one of the world's smallest species of cats."
"Interesting. Your markings are similar to your hair color and you have darker markings around your eyes for your glasses. Overall though, I think you should be able to hide quite effectively with that form as it's not immediately clear that you are a wild cat rather than a domesticated kitten," he said, getting back to his feet. "Congratulations. I know how long you've worked towards this."
"Thank you," she said as she got to her own feet. "Theo and Millie can transform now as well, but I'll let them share their forms with you if they wish to."
"It is wise to keep that sort of information to yourself, at the very least until you are registered, and even then most people don't check the registry," he agreed.
Rachel wasn't worried about it. She wasn't going to get the chance to register, but that was okay. Her dad had never registered either. "Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you."
"I'm very glad you did. Thank you for showing me," he said. "Are you alright after last night?"
She shrugged. She didn't particularly want to think about what she'd seen last night. "As alright as I'm going to be. I'm somewhat expecting the Dark Lord will show up for a conversation after that. He has to have known I was watching."
"You know what to say if he does?" he checked.
"I do. I'm ready." She was more ready now than ever before.
