Chapter 8: Married to five different chicks

She dreaded this moment, as much as she knew it was an inevitable part of her ordeal. It was just a known fact of life that cancer patients go bald. It´s their main staple. Sort of a cancer calling card, if you will.

Still, she loved her hair. Wendy Testaburger has never been one for vanity or too much focus on her physical appearance. It´s not that she was completely ignorant to it, but she´s never spent as much time and effort on her clothes, hair and make-up like her best friend Bebe, for instance. She wore her hair exactly the same way since it first grew when she was a child (Well, save for that couple of months halfway through college that Cartman referred to as "The days of pixie cut Wendy").

She never cut it shorter, she never let it grow longer, she never curled it, she never tried bangs, channel cuts or anything of the sort. She only resorted to dying it a year ago when grey strands started showing up. And even then, she dyed it in her natural black color.

And now, they were going away. Her hair was going to disappear, all at once. It couldn´t just go away in patches because it would end up looking weird. No. In one fell swoop, her own husband was going to reap that field until there was nothing.

He loved her hair too. Be it when he softly caressed it in tender moments or pulled it back into a pony tail during rough sex, he had an obvious, if unspoken, appreciation for the raven strands of silk that sprung out of her head.

This would be hard, she thought, sitting down on a chair with a towel wrapped around her neck, waiting for her husband to come down with the electric shaver.

She prepared herself for a troublesome and tear-filled ordeal that she was sure to come.

She was quickly disabused from that notion as soon as she saw Cartman walking down the stairs dressed as Sweeney Todd, with a wig to boot.

"And what will you have today, sir? A stylish trimming of the hair? A soothing skin massage?" He asked, with a mischievous grin

In a moment, she knew exactly what he was doing. Well, exactly what he has been doing ever since she was diagnosed with cancer: making it as easy as possible for her by playing stuff of as a joke.

Good thing he picked one of her favorite musicals ever this time, because she knew every lyric and line of dialogue by heart.

"You see, sir, a man infatuate with love, her ardent and eager slave.

So, fetch the pomade and pumice stone, to lend me a more seductive tone, a sprinkling, perhaps, of French cologne, but first sir, I think… a shave" She sung, with gusto, even if a few octaves higher than the original baritone that characterized judge Turpin

"The closest I ever gave" He answered and started whistling, as she laughed

"Where did you get that wig?" She asked

"Tis your delight, sir, catching fire from one man to the next!" Cartman sung

"Tis true, sir, love can still inspire the blood to pump a hearly pyre, what more?" Wendy

"What more can man require?" Both

"Than love, sir?" Wendy

"More than love sir?" Cartman

"What sir?" Wendy

"Women" Cartman

"Ah yes, women" Wendy

"Pretty women" Cartman

"No, seriously, where did you get all of that stuff?" Wendy asked, breaking off the song

"Online. You´d be surprised with the stuff they have on amazon." Cartman answered

"But my hair only started coming off yesterday" Wendy interjected

"Well, it was going to happen at some point." Cartman explained "Remember that one time we were high and you wanted to watch Sweeney Todd?"

"Which one time? We watch Sweeney Todd a lot when we´re high." Wendy countered

"My point exactly" Cartman said "I just wanted to do something cool for you, you know."

Just that moment, it hit Wendy that Cartman had all of this stuff hidden from her since mid-January at the very least. It also occurred to her that if he went this hard on preparing for cutting her hair… what else had he prepared for?

"Because, you know" He said, turning on the shaver "You´re such a pretty woman"

"What? What was that sir?" She asked, slipping from whatever troublesome ponderings her mind could conjure, back into dialogue from the play.

"Nothing sir, nothing. Shall we proceed?" He asked, bringing the device close to her head

"Pretty women, fascinating.

Sipping coffee

Dancing"

He said, removing her hair piece by piece as he sung. It was a good thing she couldn´t see him, because he was having a hard time keeping on a happy face. She was so beautiful, the lyrics might as well be describing her

"Pretty Women

Are a wonder

Pretty women!"

He removed a little more on the other side. Tears were starting to form in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall after all the trouble Eric had gone through to make this easier for her

"Sitting on the window or standing on the stairs. Something in them…

Cheeeeeers the aaaaaaaaaaaair"

He has a beautiful voice, she thought. Most people don´t even notice this because they´re usually distracted by the outrageous content of his songs, but it is beautiful. A raspy, but sweet tenor. She was glad in that moment that most people didn´t see this side of him. They only get his outrageous songs. She was the only one that got to hear the beautiful lullabies he sung to her kids, or the musical theatre stuff he sung just for her. Like an unspoken private gift between just the two of them.

"Ah, pretty women" He continued

"Silhouetted" She sung

"Stay within you" Cartman

"Glancing" Wendy

"Stay forever" Cartman

"Breathing lightly" Wendy

"Pretty women" Cartman

"Pretty women!" Both

"Blowing out the candles…" Cartman

"Blowing out the candles" Wendy

"… or combing out their hair" Cartman

"…combing out their hair" Wendy, letting a single tear drop on this line, as Cartman removed another tuff.

"Even when they leave, they still are there! They´re there!" They both sung together, as Cartman second guessed his choice of song, letting the awful possibility of Wendy´s demise slip into his mind for a fraction of a second.

"Pretty women, at their mirrors" Cartman

"In their gardens" Wendy

"Letter writing" Cartman

"Flower picking" Wendy

"How they make a man sing" Both "Proof of heaven! As they´re living"

"Pretty women! Sir! Pretty women! Yes! Pretty women!" They sung together, as Cartman removed the very last of Wendy´s hair, finishing it in perfect synchronism with the end of the song

He walked in front of her, to look into her eyes, as she worried he might see the stray tears that have fallen from her eyes. She did her best to sing as if she wasn´t crying softly the whole time.

To her surprise, when she looked into his eyes, he was crying too. They both understood that neither of them were supposed to speak of it, they were just supposed to carry on with their day.

Still, Cartman couldn´t help but look to the bald woman before him, really gazing at the image and internalizing.

She was bald, she looked weak, her skin has lost some of it´s color…

And even then, to him, she was the most beautiful woman in all of planet earth.

He kissed her, passionately, but slowly, to further drive that point home.

It was a long kiss, full of longing and love. They were still, above all else, very much in love with each other and this kiss felt like a bigger confirmation of this than a thousand letters or love songs.

"Well, I´ve got another surprise for you." He said, removing something from a black bag in a corner. "Behold, your new hair"

It was a long black wig, shockingly similar to Wendy´s natural hair. It felt a bit off, though. A smidge longer or shorter in the wrong places, but still the same shape and color she had worn since she was 5.

She put it on and looked herself in the mirror. It looked wrong, somewhat, though she couldn´t put her finger on the exact reason. Most people wouldn't notice, but she could tell just by looking at it that it wasn´t her hair. It was just the best imitation they could find.

Still, she appreciated her husband´s efforts.

Then, a thought came into her mind.

What was the point of desperately going for an imitation of her old hair when she could have whatever hair she wanted? She could be blond, she could be a redhead, she could have brown hair, short hair, long hair, curly hair…

It was at that moment she realized she could have any hair she desired and it would be no more trouble than changing her clothes.

Well, it wasn´t as good as having her actual hair back on her head, but still, silver linings wherever you find them, right?

"What if I don´t use this hair?" She asked Eric

"What, you wanna go bald? I mean, yeah sure, I guess, but…" He said, but she interrupted him

"No, I mean… I can have any hair I want. We can buy a bunch of different wigs and I can alternate between them. I can have a different hair each day!" She said

"Yeah, but if you have a different hair each day and we´re out together, everyone´s gonna think I´m cheating on you with like, five different chicks at once." Cartman said, protesting before realizing a fraction of a second later how awesome of a prank that would be.

Wendy seemed to have the exact same idea, as she looked into his eyes with a mischievous grin he was soon to imitate.

That night, they ordered 5 different wigs

Operation Harem had begun

Whole Foods, ShtPaTown.

1732, 03/01

Target: Codename Kosher

The Broflovskis were an obvious place to start the plan. On one hand, they were creatures of extreme habit. Every Monday around 5 pm, Kyle would pick up Rebecca after her work and they would drive to Whole Foods for groceries.

On the other hand, neither Kyle nor Rebecca were too much of a gossip that they would spread the information to the entire group, unless they were 100% sure something wrong was up.

That made them perfect for the first target, but also the most sensitive one. If Cartman and Wendy displayed too little evidence of Cartman "cheating", they wouldn´t even mention if others asked them about it to confirm their suspicions (which was the whole use they had for the Broslowskis).

Go too hard and Kyle would call Wendy immediately and the whole jig would be up.

That´s why they just went for a soft one. Something that Kyle would consider a "maybe" instead of a "no freaking way" or a "yes, 100%, no doubt in my mind"

Kyle walked down the beverage aisle on Whole Foods to see Cartman and "Linda" (Wendy in a ginger wig and tattoo sleeves) giggling to each other about something. Cartman knew exactly from what angle they would enter the aisle and carefully positioned Wendy so that Kyle wouldn´t see her face

"Oh shit, hide, hide, hide" He said, to Wendy. "Oh, hey Kyle. Long time no see, huh?"

"Uh, hey Cartman." Kyle said, suspicious. "Who was that?"

"Who?" Cartman asked, pretending he was playing dumb

"The woman you were talking to." Kyle asked

"Oh? That woman?" Cartman said, pretending he was trying to think of some clever excuse "she´s uh…. She´s from my work. And you can´t know who she is because, uh…."

" Cough, cough CIA reasons, cough" Wendy coughed from the other side of the aisle.

"Uh, yeah. CIA reasons, bro" Cartman said

"… okay. I´ll be going then." Kyle said, in a semi accusatory tone, as he left

Cartman and Wendy waited a few seconds before making sure Kyle wasn´t there anymore

"IT WORKED!" Cartman said, high fiving his wife

"Don´t be sure, just yet. He´s suspicious, but maybe too much, so he might call me" Wendy said "and then, we´re gonna have to explain the whole thing"

Outside, Kyle second guessed what he just saw to his wife

"Well. You don´t think he´s cheating on Wendy, do you?" Rebecca says "I mean, even for him…"

"I don´t know" Kyle said "He´s not that type of guy. Still, usually when he comes up with lame excuses to me, he´s a day or two away of royally screwing half the population of South Park over."

"Yeah, but that´s just… how he is" Rebecca said, way too used to how her husband´s relationship to Cartman worked. It was simply a known fact that they were the type of friends who could be drinking together on Friday and fighting on opposite sides of a civil war on Saturday.

"Yeah, you´re probably right. I´ll deal with that later" Said Kyle, entering his car and driving away

Still, there was something familiar about the woman Cartman was with. Kyle couldn´t put his finger on it, no matter how hard he tried.

South Park Mall

2017, 03/03

Target: Codename HelloKitty

Leopold "Butters" Stotch had a dark secret. A place he liked to go to when no one was looking. A sort of habit formed where he, unbeknownst to anyone, would disappear for hours at a time just to enjoy his secret pleasure.

Oh, it was glorious. Sometimes it was the highlight of his day. To be surrounded by all those big, thick and beautifull…

Oh, gosh darn it. He had to hide it. A straight man like himself shouldn´t do this sort of thing. What would the others think? What would his daughter think?

You see, Butters was…

Still completely crazy about everything Hello Kitty and sometimes when things got too stressful, he went to the Hello Kitty store at the mall. Just to look at stuff, you know?

Well, at least he thought it was a secret. At the very least, four people knew.

His wife, whom he told about his secret back when they first started dating seriously

His daughter, who despite Butter´s attempts to conceal it from her, found her dad´s "secret wardrobe" when she was 12. She decided to never speak of this to anyone, not even Butters himself, since it was just a harmless fun thing her dad liked.

And Cartman and Wendy. Cartman found Butters exiting that store many times over the years and told Wendy about it, since both of them agreed to never keep secrets from each other (well, more like Wendy demanded Eric never kept secrets from her, or else they´re through.)

Why would Cartman, the man who loves nothing more than the smell of blackmail in the morning, keep this sort of thing to himself?

Well, because some pieces of blackmail were just too good to use on your run of the mill, Tuesday scheme. No, some pieces of embarrassing information were so good and so juicy, they were best saved for a rainy day.

So, the plan right now, was to make sure Butters saw him and "Cherryl" (just Wendy in a brown curly wig) without Butters thinking Cartman saw him. Meaning, he and Wendy would have to be more overt about it, albeit further away from Butters.

Good thing there was a sex shop right across the corridor from the Hello Kitty store.

Also, Cartman had a tracker on Butters' phone, planted there for such situations.

Carman and Wendy waited all night in the food court until they saw Butters entering the mall through the phone app.

"Alright, Big Daddy" Wendy said, purposefully being as loud as possible and affecting a southern accent "We´re gonna buys some stuff for you to mess up my insides"

"Shut the fuck up, Cherryl, people are going to recognize me" Cartman said, doing that loud whispering thing.

In front of the Hello Kitty store, Butters couldn´t believe in what he just saw. Sure, Cartman had many bad qualities to him, but he was no cheater. He knew that Eric would never do this to Wendy. Not for morals or anything like that, as Butters thought Cartman didn´t have those, but because he liked Wendy so darn much ever since he was a little boy. It made no sense. Yet here it was, plain as day in front of his two eyes

"Oh, hamburgers…" He said, entering the Hello Kitty store, pondering what to do with this new information.

Inside the sex store, Cartman and Wendy laughed to themselves.

"He bought it, he bought it!" Said Wendy, happy

"Yeah, it was totally awesome! Target HelloKity is down!" Cartman said, mimicking a military walkie talkie. "Where did you learn that accent?"

"Oh, you remember all my theater classes back in high school" Wendy said

"So, you´re telling me you like role playing, huh?" Cartman said, smirking and pulling from the shelf an XXL nazi officer BDSM costume and smirking at Wendy

"Just help me look for a stripped pajama" She said, smirking back "Mein Fuhrer"

Seedy motel, outskirsts of South Park

1245, 03/04

Target: Codename Respawn

Kenny McCormick was unbelievably horny. No really, he was unbelievably horny.

He loved sex to an extent that it might have become a problem by now, had he not married a like minded individual, such as Bebe.

They were the horniest couple ever, having sex constantly and in as many ways as humanly possible.

One of the ways they enjoyed their mutual horniness was, from time to time, escaping their daily routines to "sneak away" to a seedy motel just outside of South Park to have sex.

Why, you may ask they would do this, having a perfectly good house to have sex in? It made them feel dirty. Like they were sneaking away to have an affair. The fact that they were doing this with their actual spouse just made the whole thing a lot better. It was all the juicy perks of cheating with none of the drawbacks and risks involved, so it was a major turn on for the both of them.

Aside from being horny, they were also very overt about their horniness, sometimes flaunting it in everyone´s faces. To the extent that any time they would do this, one of them was bound to text either Wendy or Cartman (their respective best friends) to gloat.

All the Cartmans would have to do for their third target was to wait for this to happen and go to the same seedy motel and go together and go there to display "Tiffany" (just Wendy in a blond wig and dressed up as a Californian valley girl).

They would have to be very precise about this one too. They needed perfect timing and perfect amount of doubt to be in place.

If Bebe had concrete evidence of Cartman cheating on Wendy, she wouldn´t hesitate to kick him in the nuts and call Wendy immediately, which would get the whole plan to fall apart before the grand finale.

On top of that, they had the herculean task of keeping both Bebe and Kenny alive throughout the whole interaction. Else, Kyle would somehow show up to scream "YOU BASTARDS!" and get all the evidence he needed to call Wendy. "Tiffany´s" phone would ring and game over.

As both Cartman´s arrived at the motel, Kenny´s car was parked, but neither him or his wife could be seen. Meaning, they were still banging inside.

They rented the room next to theirs, as Kenny was bound to come out for a smoke at some point (Why bother with your health when you´re immortal, right?)

Worked like a charm as Cartman exited the room at the same time Kenny did, lighting a cigarette himself.

"Oh, hey dude." Kenny said "Didn´t know you smoked"

"Oh" Cartman said, pretending to be nervous. "I just decided to give it a go"

"Is Wendy inside with you?" Kenny asked, being casual

"Yeah" Cartman said, forcing a very nervous laughter "My wife. The old mistress. The only women I ever have sex with ever, at all"

"Dude, is everything okay?" Kenny asked

"Yeah, why wouldn´t it be? Hehehe" Cartman said, selling the bid very convincingly. Now came the tricky part

Wendy opened the curtains from the room, fully clad in her costume

"Eric! Oh my God, like, come back to bed!" She said, in a Valley accent.

"DUDE!" Kenny said

Okay, that was too much, both Cartmans thought at the same time

"The hell is wrong with you? Cheating on your wife like that? While she´s struggling with cancer?" Kenny said

"Shhh, Kiinny, sh, listen bruh, it´s not what you think" Cartman pleaded

"It´s not what I think?" Kenny said "Is there or is there not a blond bitch asking you to come back to bed?"

"Kenny, what´s wrong?" Bebe asked, coming out of the room. "Why are you taking so long, ahhhhhhh!"

She screamed loudly

"Is what I think is happening actually happening?" Bebe asked, fire and blood coming out of her eyes

"Looks that way" Kenny said, just as angry as his wife

"You lousy bastard! I knew it! I fucking knew that someday you would fuck it up majorly, but did Wendy listen to me? NOOOOOOOO" Bebe said, punching Cartman in the chest "'oh, I love Eric, he would never hurt me', she said. Well, guess what, mother fucker? I´m calling her right now!"

As Bebe pulled out her phone, both Cartman and Wendy were running in circles in their minds, trying to think of a way to get around this and stick to the plan. Wendy ran inside, to shut her cellphone down so it wouldn´t ring.

Cartman had a completely different idea in mind, as he pulled his pistol and shot both McCormicks in the head.

Wendy, hearing the gunfire, left the room

"OH MY G…" She said, before Cartman put his hands over her mouth

"DON´T SAY IT" He said "Kyle is arriving at any minute, get into the car and let´s go"

"Eric!" She pleaded "The plan is dead, Bebe and Kenny already know"

"No, it´s not. We have roughly 16 hours before they come back from hell and only two targets left." Cartman said "We only need to speed things up a bit. Do you have the other wigs in the car?"

"I do" She answered getting into the car

"Good. Proceeding to target: Bag of Skittles"

Tweek Bros. Coffee

1420, 03/04

Target: Codename Bag of Skittles

Another very important target were the biggest gossips in South Park.

To be fair, Craig wasn´t so bad in the gossip department. Tweek, the other hand would always blow anything and everything out of proportion.

They both worked at Tweek Bros. Coffee.

Tweek inherited the business from his dad and Craig was a freelance programmer. He would just take his laptop to the coffee shop and stay there, helping his husband out while he took breaks from coding. They had a very happy, if somewhat lowkey, life.

And even though everything was perfectly fine, sometimes things got really boring.

How boring you may ask?

Well, Craig was currently going through his midlife crisis, into a bird watching phase. Meaning, sometimes he would just stand in front of the coffee shop with a camera, waiting for birds to show up.

Hence, the plan. Cartman and "Jane" (just Wendy in a black "channel" wig) were currently standing across the street from the coffee shop, with Cartman leaning against his car and Wendy´s back turned to the coffee shop so they couldn´t see her face.

"Now, we just wait for them to come out and see us" Cartman said to her "It shouldn´t take too long."

"I know." She said, looking around. "There´s a lot of birds here. Craig should be out at any minute."

"You look really good, by the way" He said

"Thanks" She said "I still miss my old hair, though"

"Yeah, me too. But I mean…" He said, cupping her chin "This looks good on you. All these wigs, they´re like… alternate universe versions of you and they all look awesome"

"I still don´t feel pretty." She said "My skin looks terrible, I look tired…"

"See, that´s just how awesome and beautiful you are." Cartman said. "You look better when you´re sick from chemo than most women do in their twenties. I mean, just look at those eyes! They´re, like, the most awesome eyes ever. You´re just that fucking beautiful."

He was telling the truth. She could tell. Cartman was very good at lying. He could tell people that the Pope had converted to Islam with a perfectly straight face and in the right circumstances, people would believe him.

Anyone, that is, except for her.

Those eyes that he loved so much seemed to pierce through every layer of bullshit he could put up. When she looked at him, it was as if she could pierce through his very soul and see the truth inside. That´s why he never lied to her. Not because of some moral implications of lying through your spouse or anything like that. No, it was because it was entirely pointless. She would know and whatever the truth was, it would be certainly better than the absolute dealbreaker that the act of lying to her would be.

She didn´t know exactly what to look for when he was lying, there was just a hint of his demeanor off about it.

That´s why, right now, when he told her that she was the most beautiful woman on planet earth, no matter how much she didn´t believe it herself, she was 100% sure that he did.

"I love you" She said, touching his cheek

"I love you too" He said, kissing her

Inside the coffee shop, Tweek was seconds away from a panic attack. They were running out of pastries! And the truck that delivered them pastries was running late!

And even then, they would have to put the pastries in an oven before they could sell it!

People would come to the coffee shop and they wouldn´t have pastries to sell! And they would go bankrupt! And Tweek would have to prostitute himself to get money for food!

IT WAS TOO MUCH PRESSURE!

"Craig, ngh! Can you go outside to check for the truck? We´re really running low here, ACK!"

"Tweek, calm down. The truck will be here at any minute, okay?" Craig said, holding his husband´s left shoulder affectionately "I´ll go outside and check, babe"

As soon as Craig walked outside, he saw something unthinkable.

Cartman making out with a woman who was definitely not Wendy.

So, he did the one thing he could think of. He took a picture and sent it to Bebe.

Cartman and Wendy were just breaking the kiss when he saw Craig taking the picture out of the corner of his eye.

"Target Bag of Skittles is down" He said, smirking to his wife.

Cartman House.

1620, 03/04

Target: Codename Ganja

"Hey Stan" Wendy said, on her phone

"Hey Wendy, what´s up?" Stan said, from his weed delivery truck.

"Are you doing deliveries today?" She asked

"Yeah" He answered, as if she didn´t know "You need some?"

"Yeah. We´re out and my symptoms are acting out again. Could you drop some by my house? I´m not home right now, but Eric is" She said, as she put on a robe, the tattoo sleeves and the purple wig for "Molly".

"Sure, no problem. I´m actually not that far from your place, so I´ll be there in 10 minutes." Stan said

"Thanks"

Stan and Wendy were each other´s first love. Sure, it has been a few decades since either of them felt any romantic attraction for the other, but they still had sort of an unspoken "brother and sister" thing going on, ever since they got over their messy break up in freshman year.

No one ever spoke about when they were together and even Cartman got over his latent jealousy about the two of them 25 years or so ago. Still, Stan was very protective of her, like a brother should be.

That´s why he absolutely had to be their last target. Because if Stan had any minor suspicion that Cartman was cheating on Wendy, he would bring down the thunder. He would gather up everyone to do an intervention and possibly punch Cartman in the face in the process.

He was the one person who would complete the last step of their plan: getting everyone together in a room to do an "intervention" for Wendy.

Stan rang the doorbell to the house, just as Cartman finished putting on his robe and messed up his hair.

"Quick, quick, go up the stairs!" Cartman said to Wendy "No, wait!"

"What?" She asked, second before Cartman started furiously making out with her, hands exploring anywhere but her breasts.

"I have to look like I was just having sex" He said, as she noticed the partial boner he was sporting and laughed.

Cartman opened the door

"Hey, dude" Stan said, handing Cartman the jar of weed. "Wendy said you guys were out. What were you doing?"

Stan said, noticing the weird state Cartman was in. He had a robe that looked like it was hastily put on, his hair was messed up, he looked flustered and he had a very obvious partial boner Stan was doing his best to ignore.

"I, uh…" Cartman said, fumbling over his words "I was taking a shower. Yep, just taking a shower"

Stan was about to let this go, thinking Cartman was just jacking off before he arrived. That is, until

"Eric, mate, where do you keep the lube?" Said "Molly", walking down the stairs and forcing an Australian accent "Oh, crikey!"

She ran up the stairs as fast as she could, to sell the ruse.

As soon as Stan registered what was going on, he punched Cartman in the face and Cartman fell back.

"Stan, bruh! It´s not what you think!" Cartman said

"Save your bullshit for someone who cares" Stan said "You can explain yourself to Wendy", he said, walking away.

"Stan! No, dude, please! Don´t do this!" Cartman "pleaded" to Stan as he entered his truck.

"STAAAAAAAAAAN!" Cartman screamed after the truck.

Stan spent the next half an hour trying to contact Bebe, before deciding she was probably dead.

After that, he texted everyone else in their friend circle about what he saw, before sending one last text to Wendy

"Meet me at Teggridy Farms tomorrow night. Don´t bring Cartman" the text said.

"IT WORKED!" Wendy said, cheering.

"Hell yeah! Operation Harem is a success!" Cartman said, cheering with his wife.

"Not yet. Lets review the plan for tomorrow" Wendy said

"Well, we have time." Cartman said, smirking to his wife "And I´m still halfway there, if you catch my drift"

Tegriddy Farms.

1932, 03/05

Target: Codename Intervention

"I thought it was nothing" Kyle said "I just thought the woman was part of some sort of scheme Cartman was pulling off"

"Well, believe it" Bebe said "I saw that blond bitch with my two eyes at the motel"

"Blond?" Butters asked "I saw him with a brown-haired woman"

"Well, I saw him with a red-head" Kyle said

"I couldn´t get a good look at her, but I´m 100% sure her hair was purple" Stan said

"Guys…" Kenny said "We all saw him with different women, right?"

"Yep" Kyle confirmed

"Four different women, by my accounts" Kenny said

"Five. I was so angry at that bastard I just got around to looking at the picture Craig sent me" Bebe said

"How the hell did Cartman of all people seduced five different women?" Bebe asked "I´m Wendy´s best friend and I barely understand what Wendy sees in him"

"Maybe they´re, uh… Working women" Butters proposed

"Why would anyone take a hooker to a grocery store?" Kenny asked

"Well, there´s definitely something else going on" Kyle said "Him cheating on Wendy doesn´t rule out my theory"

"Well, we´re gonna find out in a minute" Stan said.

It was another ten minutes before Wendy arrived.

"What is going on?" She asked

"Wendy, you might wanna sit down" Rebecca said

She did, trying her best to act nervously about the whole situation

"Wendy" Stan started "We all love you. I mean, you´re as much my sister as Shelly is at this point"

"We wouldn´t be doing this unless we were 100% sure of what we´re about to say" Kyle said

"But, uh… We all saw it and uh…" Butters said

"Cartman is my best friend. I wouldn´t believe it if I didn´t see it with my own eyes. As much as I love him, he went too far this time" Kenny said

"Guys, you´re really scaring me. What the hell is going on?" Wendy asked

"Wendy" Bebe said, touching Wendy´s shoulder "Cartman is cheating on you"

BINGO! Wendy thought in her mind. It was perfect. Just perfect. It worked like a freaking charm. Now, she just had to stall for time until Cartman entered the room.

"No. That´s not true, I mean…" She said, trying to act accordingly "He loves me. He wouldn´t do this."

"We all saw it Wendy" Stan said

"I have a picture to prove it" Bebe showed it to her

"No, this can´t be happening." Wendy said, trying her best to cry, remembering those acting lessons ages ago. "He wouldn´t do this. How? When? Who?"

"Wendy! It´s not what you think! I swear!" Cartman burst into the room, trying his best to disarm the situation

Well, that is until Wendy punched him in the gut.

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" She screamed "28 YEARS! 28 YEARS OF MY LIFE! When did this start? Who? How? You´re gonna tell me right now, motherfucker!"

Wendy pulled Cartman´s pistol from the concealed carry holster inside his pants and pointed at him

"Wow, Wendy!" Cartman said, putting his arms up "I gonna tell you everything! Just… put down the gun and let´s think about this for a second"

Everyone was standing up in silence, terrified at what they were seeing

"Think? You want me to think?! DID YOU THINK ABOUT ME WHEN YOU WERE FUCKING THAT BITCH?!" Wendy screamed, backing Cartman up into the kitchen "DID YOU THINK ABOUT OUR CHILDREN?! ABOUT OUR FAMILY? ABOUT MY FUCKING CANCER?!"

"Well, actually there was more than one woman…" *BANG!* Wendy fired the gun before Cartman could finish his sentence.

*BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!*

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Kenny screamed

"DUDE!" Kyle joined him

Everyone was screaming in horror at what just had unfurled.

"What have I done?" Wendy asked, trembling and dropping the gun "What have I done?"

"Wendy?" Bebe asked, horrified.

Everyone in the room was mortified by what just took place.

Cartman was dead. In the kitchen floor. By the hands of Wendy.

It was a long moment of silence, while Wendy sobbed on the ground.

In truth, both Cartmans were trying their best to hold back their laughter. Eric was seconds away from failing.

"Kenny" Wendy asked finally "Can you help me with the body?"

"What?" Kenny asked

"We have to hide it." Wendy said "I can´t go to prison, I just… I just…"

Kenny thought about it long and hard before deciding to abide

"DUDE!" Stan protested.

"I´M NOT LETTING EMILY AND BEN WITHOUT BOTH PARENTS" Kenny said. "Despite everything, Cartman was still my best friend and I´m sure that´s what he would have wanted"

As Kenny and Kyle, both agreeing with that logic, approached Cartman´s body to move it somewhere else.

Everyone was in pure shock and horror. They were about to become accessories to a crime. To a murder, no less. Of a man who, despite his flaws, spent decades being a beloved friend.

It was then that Cartman farted into Kyle´s face.

"Hahahahahahahahahahahaha" Both Wendy and Cartman started laughing profusely.

"Perfect, just perfect!" Cartman said

"You fell for it!" Wendy said, high fiving her husband

"You were going to dispose of my body so my kids wouldn´t lose both parents?" Cartman said, pointing at Kenny "Thanks, bro, that was really sweet!"

"The gun… and the dying and the…" Bebe said, still in shock from the whole thing "WHAT?!"

"Blanks. They were just blanks" Wendy explained

"Wait, so, you´re not cheating on Wendy?" Stan said, remembering what they were all here for

"No, dude, it was just a prank" Cartman answered.

"But, uh… those different women, with the accents and the uh…" Butters said

"It was me. It was just me with a bunch of different wigs, see?" She said, lifting her normal hair wig just enough to show her bald head.

"Oooooooh" everyone said, in unison, finally realizing Wendy´s hair had fallen out because of the cancer

"Wait, wait, wait, hold up a second" Kyle asked "Your hair starts falling out because of cancer and your first thought is 'let´s prank all of our friends?'"

"No, my first thought is 'the wig that´s supposed to imitated my old hair looks incredibly fake, so I might as well try some different looks'" Wendy explained

"And my response to that was 'everyone is gonna think I´m cheating on you'" Cartman said "Hence, the prank"

"Oh, yeah, it does look kind of wrong. I just figured you cut it or something" Bebe said, looking at her friend´s hair with proper attention "Hey, wait a minute, YOU KILLED US?!"

"OVER A MINOR PART OF A STUPID PRANK?" Kenny said, angrily

"Not the first time. In fact, not even the only time in the past six months" Cartman said

"Oh, right" Kenny said, remembering

"Not the last, either" Cartman said

"Fuck you, dude!" Kenny gave him the finger.

"You guys are absolute assholes, you know that?" Kyle said, still angry at the whole thing

"What? It´s just some harmless fun" Wendy protested

"Screw you guys, I´m going home" Kyle said, walking away.

End Chapter notes: About last chapter. Wendy´s whole thing about singing her mother´s favorite song and as soon as she stopped singing her mother died? That happened to me. I got the lousy luck of being the last to say goodbye to my grandma, who sadly passed away from cancer. Only difference was, I sung "Nossa Senhora" by Roberto Carlos (I´m Brazilian). To all people reading this who currently have breasts attached to your body: read about this stuff and get proper medical advice on how to get yourselves checked for this fucking thing. I can personally guarantee you: Cancer is a shitshow on every conceivable level. I´ve watched my grandma fade away because of this fucking disease and now I´m writing this thing as a way to cope with it. And people without breasts too. You´re bound to have, at the bare minimum, one person you love who could suffer from this. It´s October, anyway, so I´m taking the opportunity to warn you guys. Cancer is a shitshow. Take it seriously, you guys. Well, screw you guys, I´m going home.