Author's Note: So many thanks to GraceMonroe for your reviews!
I'm sorry that I'm posting this chapter on the late side! I accidentally forgot my laptop charger at my parents' house last weekend and the replacement charger didn't arrive until this afternoon, so I had to proofread this chapter, and respond to reviews, and do all the stuff to post all in one evening, whereas normally I would spread it out. ALSO, I was on vacation this week and was hoping to get a ton of writing done on Part 3, and instead I couldn't do any of it! Okay, rant over.
Anyway, before we get into the chapter, this seems like a good time for a reminder that this story does not strictly follow canon.
Thank you all so much for reading this story and sticking to it! I know it's not perfect (believe me, I know!) and I know I don't always do a fantastic job of keeping certain characters (coughRemus!cough) in-character, and I just so appreciate you bearing with me!
Enough, already! On with the chapter!
Chapter Twenty-Seven: Caught
Remus jolted to alertness at the sound of an insistent pounding on Mairead's bedroom door. Beside him, Mairead sat bolt upright. In the dim light, he could see her eyes, round with anxiety.
"What do I do?" she asked in an urgent hiss.
"Get dressed, quick," Remus whispered. He reached into the top drawer of her bedside table, where he knew she kept her night clothes, and handed her some pyjamas. He reached out a hand and silently summoned his clothing into his hands.
The pounding on her door sounded once again. "Mairead!" came Bill's voice, loud and urgent. "Are you in there? Wake up!"
Mairead stumbled out of bed, still shoving her arms through the sleeves of her sleep shirt. Her legs got tangled in the bedclothes and she wound up falling on her face. Remus hauled her to her feet, then began dressing rapidly and silently. Mairead cast him another panicked look.
Remus walked over and stood behind the door. "Open the door," he said quietly. "It's all right, Mairead. He doesn't know I'm in here."
Mairead nodded and closed her eyes, taking a moment to collect herself before pulling the door open. The door blocked Remus from view of anyone in the corridor, and he listened to the conversation.
"Bill?" said Mairead. "What's going on?"
"Emergency Order meeting," said Bill, his voice tense and terse. "Dad just sent word - Podmore's been arrested."
"Oh, my God!" exclaimed Mairead. "Was he found at the Department of Mysteries?"
"We don't know the details yet. Kingsley and Tonks are still trying to sort things out in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Kingsley was able to get word to Dad, who contacted Mum. Sirius is contacting everyone else right now, but the rest of us should get to the ki-"
"Bill? Bill!"
Remus's ears pricked at the sound of hurried footsteps and the panicked note in Molly Weasley's voice.
"Bill! We've got to send word to Dumbledore - Remus is missing, too."
Remus closed his eyes. Shit. When he opened them, he saw that the hand Mairead was still resting on her doorknob had tightened convulsively.
"He wasn't in his room?" asked Bill.
Molly must have shaken her head. "I knocked several times but there was no answer."
"M-maybe he's in the bathroom," Mairead suggested in a tiny voice.
"He has an en suite," answered Molly. "And he wasn't in there, either. I tried his bedroom door and it was unlocked and - oh, Bill - there were signs of a struggle! I think... I think... I don't know!"
Remus saw Mairead's head twitch minutely, as though she had just managed to stop herself from casting a quizzical look his way.
"Signs of a struggle?" asked Bill. "Like what?"
"A chair was overturned, his bedclothes were thrown all over the place, his lamp was broken on the floor," Molly listed quickly. "I think - could someone have taken him? Broken in while we were sleeping and captured him?"
"No way," said Bill immediately. "The house is protected by the Fidelius Charm. No Death Eater could get in here. Right, Sirius?"
Remus saw Mairead's head shoot up hopefully as she looked toward the sound of another pair of footsteps.
"What's the problem?" asked Sirius's voice. "Why aren't you all in the kitchen? Dumbledore will be here soon."
"We can't find Remus!" moaned Molly. "And his bedroom looks like it's been ransacked! Sirius - I'm worried something has happened to him."
"Ah, Remus's room always looks like a hurricane's just gone through," Sirius easily lied, and Remus wanted to kiss his feet. "I'm sure he's fine, Molly. Probably just went out for a walk."
"At two in the morning?" said Molly skeptically.
"Insomniac." Remus could practically hear the careless, one-shouldered shrug that always went along with Sirius's smooth lies. "Let's all head down to the kitchen. He'll turn up soon."
"But he doesn't know there's an Order meeting," Molly argued.
"I'll just send him a Patronus," suggested Bill.
"No!"
Remus closed his eyes in defeat at Mairead's shout. There was a brief silence before Mairead attempted to smooth things over.
"I - I just mean... if he's out for a walk... I mean... we're in the middle of Muggle London," she said feebly, clearly tap dancing as fast as she could. "Don't you think a Patronus runs the risk of being spotted? W-what about just... erm... sending him an owl?"
"I can take care of that," Sirius said casually, as if Mairead's behavior were perfectly normal. "You lot head down. I'll see if I can find Remus and -"
"Wait - do you know where he is, Mairead?" demanded Molly, the suspicion evident in her tone.
Remus saw the muscles in Mairead's throat tense. "W-well, Sirius said h-he's probably on a walk," she faltered. "And I thought - you probably don't want to send a Patronus because -"
"Muggles can't see Patronuses," Bill cut her off.
Mairead swallowed. "Oh," she said softly. "Oh, I, er, didn't know that."
"Mairead," Molly said again. "Do you know something?"
"Know something?" Mairead repeated faintly, backing up slightly. Remus could see just from the side of her face that she was trying her best to maintain her composure, that she was thinking as fast as possible.
"Yes, about where Remus is," said Molly. "Is there information you're keeping from us for some reason?"
"'Course she isn't," Sirius said in an impatient tone. "Look: we don't have time for this. You head down and -"
"Mairead, where is Remus?" asked Molly insistently.
"I - I -"
Mairead cast a desperate look at Sirius, and Remus felt a sinking feeling of leaden responsibility settle into his stomach. He could hear the suspicion in Molly's voice. He knew from ample personal experience as a character deemed suspicious by society that the months Mairead had spent working diligently for the Order to generate good will all amounted to nothing in Molly's head right now. All she saw before her was a missing Order member and the daughter of a Death Eater acting strangely. She had already decided that Mairead was involved - though in what, she probably had only wild fears and doubts - and it was too late for Mairead to talk her way out of this. Remus saw the set of Mairead's shoulders change, the look in her eyes fade from panicky and desperate to resigned and wary, and he knew that she understood what was happening, too.
She had already shouldered more of the burden of their secret than was fair. He could not let her shoulder this alone.
"I'm here, Molly."
Mairead's head shot over to look at him, her eyes wide with shock at his admission. Remus stepped out from behind the door and put a hand on Mairead's shoulder, as much to draw comfort and courage as to give it.
Molly blinked at him in surprise. "Remus?" she asked, as though she barely recognized him. "What are you doing in there?"
Remus forced his voice to remain calm. "I was here with Mairead."
Molly laughed uncomfortably. "But it's two in the morning, Remus. What on earth could you be doing in Mairead's bedroom at two -"
Remus tilted his head slightly to one side and fixed Molly with a look that plainly said, What do you think I was doing in here? He watched Molly's eyes take in the tableau before her: Mairead's hair, tangled and messier than usual; her lips, still puffy; her nightshirt, which he now saw she had put on inside-out, dressing in the darkness as she had; Remus himself, still in yesterday's clothes.
"Oh," Molly simply said.
Bill's eyes briefly flickered over the two before he said, "Let's, er, get down to the kitchen." He put a hand on his mother's shoulder and gently but firmly steered her away.
As soon as they started down the stairs, Bill shooting a regretful, apologetic look over his shoulder at them, Mairead turned to Remus, wringing her hands.
"I'm sorry!" she said, her voice trembling. She looked positively beside herself with anguish. "I - I - I'm so sorry."
She looked near tears. Remus pulled her in for a quick hug. "It's all right, Mairead," he murmured into her hair. "This wasn't your fault."
When he pulled back and peered at her, he could see that she was barely holding herself together. She refused to meet his eye and was pinching her top lip between her fingers. "Why don't you take a minute, get dressed, and meet us downstairs?" he suggested softly.
Mairead nodded miserably, looking past his shoulder rather than at him. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Not your fault," he repeated.
Remus took her by the shoulders, carefully turned her, and gave her a little push back into her bedroom. He pulled the door closed behind her and took a long, slow breath before turning back to see Sirius, who was watching him with a serious expression.
"I'm sorry, mate," he said grimly. "I should've had Bill contact Dumbledore. I should've known something like this would happen."
Remus shook his head and started for the stairs. "This isn't your fault, either, Sirius," he said heavily. "It's mine."
Many of the other members of the Order were arriving as they reached the basement. Remus walked into the kitchen and immediately saw Molly whispering in Arthur's ear. Arthur's eyebrows were up and his mouth partially open in an expression of surprise. Remus set his jaw resolutely and took a seat at the table. He was used to people whispering about him. He just didn't usually stick around once the whispering had started.
Mairead slipped into the kitchen only a few minutes later. Remus watched her eyes flit over to Molly and Arthur, who were both staring at her, their heads still close together. Remus saw color rise on Mairead's cheeks. He expected her to duck her head in embarrassment and slink off to sit as far away from them as possible. He was surprised, therefore, to see her raise her head bravely, stride over to the table, and take a seat right next to him. Molly opened her mouth as if to object, but Arthur laid a staying hand overtop hers, and she shut her mouth, looking discontented.
Remus shot a look sideways at Mairead. She was now watching the Weasleys coolly and defiantly. "You shouldn't have done that," he muttered to her, barely moving his mouth when he spoke.
Mairead turned and regarded him with an equanimity that floored him. "Why not?" she asked. "It's not like it's a secret anymore. Everyone'll know by tomorrow morning."
Remus felt a shot of adrenaline hit his system at her words, but he had no time to dwell on them. Dumbledore had just entered the room and silence fell as he took his seat.
"Thank you all for meeting on such short notice," he began, his voice grave. "Sturgis Podmore has been arrested."
There were several gasps around the table from the members of the Order who neither worked at the Ministry nor had spent the night at Grimmauld Place.
"He was caught two nights ago by a watchwizard at the Ministry. Evidently he was trying to force his way through a door in the Department of Mysteries."
"What?!" Sirius's mouth hung open in shock. "Sturgis? No way!"
Remus shared Sirius's doubt. Sturgis had been in the original Order. It was exceedingly difficult for Remus to believe that the other wizard would do something this reckless.
"His trial is on the Wizengamot's docket for next Thursday," Elphias Doge spoke up. "Have you been able to speak with Podmore, Dumbledore?"
"I have not," said Dumbledore, shaking his head. "And I am afraid that I will not be able to represent him in his trial."
"No, of course you can't," Doge agreed. "You're already persona non grata at the Ministry. If you waltz in there and provide representation for the defense of Podmore, you'll be sharing a cell with him."
"Is that what's going to happen, then?" Hestia spoke up, looking frightened. "He's going to end up in Azkaban?"
"For trying to break into the Department of Mysteries?" said Kingsley. "Without a doubt."
"Isn't there anything that can be done for him?" asked Emmeline. "Can someone else represent him? Could we pay his legal fees?"
"He's on his own," Kingsley said, shaking his head. "He has to be. Fudge will be closely watching. If any money mysteriously comes pouring in, he won't even wait for evidence it leads back to Dumbledore. He'll just act."
A heavy silence fell around the table. Remus chanced another glance over at Mairead. She was gnawing on a thumbnail, looking distressed. His fingers twitched with the urge to touch her, to comfort her. Pushing the impulse down, he instead asked Dumbledore, "Do you have any thoughts on why Sturgis was trying to break in?"
"I have many," answered Dumbledore. "The one that seems most likely is that Sturgis was acting on someone else's orders."
"Do you think he's turned?" asked Bill, frowning seriously.
"I highly doubt it," said Dumbledore. "Letting alone my own beliefs that Sturgis is loyal to our side, if he had turned traitor he would have communicated to Voldemort the knowledge he gained from us. Namely, that the only people who can retrieve a prophecy housed in the Hall are the subjects of the prophecy. Sturgis would have known that he would be unsuccessful in any attempts to gain access to the prophecy. I think it more likely that he was operating under the influence of the Imperius Curse."
Beside him, Remus heard Mairead gasp softly. He glanced over at her and saw that one of her hands was covering her mouth and she was staring at Dumbledore in mute dread. She looked so frail and wan in her fright it made Remus's chest squeeze painfully.
"Can he use that as a defense?" Hestia asked. "Lots of Death Eaters got off saying they'd been Imperiused after the First War, right?"
Arthur smiled humorlessly. "More like lots of Death Eaters bribed Ministry officials into letting them get off on an Imperius Curse defense," he replied bitterly.
"Plus, he's probably still under the Curse," added Sirius. "So there's no way he'd even be able to tell the Wizengamot what really happened."
"So there's no hope for him?" Charlie asked bleakly. "We just have to sit by and watch him go to Azkaban?"
Dumbledore bowed his head. "If anyone at this table wishes to withdraw from their rotation guarding the Hall of Prophecies in light of this news, please know that you can speak with me privately and you will have my every understanding."
No one so much as batted an eye. After a moment's silence, Remus quietly said, "I will take over Sturgis's shifts at the Ministry in addition to my own, headmaster." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mairead's hand twitch, but she did not try to stop him.
"I'll split them with you," offered Tonks.
"Three ways," Charlie added.
"Make that four," said Arthur.
So many members spoke up offering to help redistribute Sturgis's shifts that the burden became negligible. Dumbledore looked solemnly around the table.
"I am humbled and honored to sit among such courageous and selfless witches and wizards," he said softly.
Dumbledore dismissed the meeting shortly afterwards, but nearly everyone stayed to speculate. Kingsley and Tonks offered what information they could from the perspective of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and Dumbledore and Elphias recalled precedent cases that had gone before the Wizengamot. By the time the topic had been thoroughly exhausted, morning had come.
Molly checked her watch, then rose to her feet. "Anyone who would like is welcome to stay for a hot breakfast," she said.
"Please forgive me, Molly, but I must return to Hogwarts," said Dumbledore, also rising. "I bid you all good night... or good morning, as it were."
Remus noticed Molly fix Arthur with a piercing stare. She jerked her head meaningfully in the direction of the door Dumbledore had just left through. Arthur looked for a moment as though he were considering ignoring the silent directive from his wife, but then sighed wearily and followed after Dumbledore. Remus didn't have a doubt in his mind as to what the topic of conversation would be. Suppressing a groan, he raised a hand to his face and massaged his eyes with his fingers.
"Are you all right?" Mairead asked in a tiny voice.
"I'm fine," he lied, forcing a smile. He didn't have to look at her face to know she did not believe him. The silence that followed was enough. After a few moments, Mairead pushed herself to her feet, walked over to the stove, and offered to help Molly with breakfast.
"Oh," said Molly, looking jarred by the prospect of having to talk to Mairead. "Well, why don't you make tea for everyone?"
Mairead nodded and brought the kettle over to the basin. Remus could tell from the set of her shoulders that she had heard the stiffness in Molly's tone. Her mouth and eyebrows tightened into the anxious little frown she always got when she was trying to avoid drawing attention to herself.
Remus hated that he knew her every expression.
He hated that he loved her every expression.
Arthur returned to the kitchen after a few moments, looking rather pink around the ears. Remus waited, but Dumbledore did not re-enter the room.
Remus jumped to his feet when Arthur approached the table. He was not ready to face the other wizard's anger and disappointment. He worked with Sirius slicing bread and making toast for everyone.
When it was time for everyone to sit down to eat, Remus found a seat away from Mairead, like the coward he was. And, like a coward, he avoided her eye when understanding dawned on her face of what he had done.
The atmosphere around the table was more than a little strained as they all ate. It seemed to Remus as though every time he looked up, Molly was shooting a disapproving look his way. Arthur was quieter than usual as well. Mairead did not utter a single word throughout the entire meal, but rather pecked at her food listlessly, making eye contact with no one and looking as though she were trying to make herself as small as possible. The burden fell largely on Bill and Sirius to try to carry the illusion of normalcy. Tonks, at least, seemed oblivious to the tension buzzing among so many of them, and chattered on about a case she had been assigned and how poorly she got along with her assigned partner, a man named Dawlish.
When everyone had finished eating, Sirius announced that he and Mairead would take care of the washing up, and that everyone else should go up and try to get a few hours' sleep. Remus sent Sirius a grateful look, silently thanking his friend for shielding Mairead with his presence.
Remus gave Arthur and Molly a generous head start out of the kitchen, but as he was making his way up to his room, he heard their voices floating out of the library. He halted, listening in.
" -derstand why you won't say something to him, Arthur!" Molly was saying.
"On what grounds, Molly?" came Arthur's voice, sounding weary. "They're both adults. They have every r-"
"She is barely an adult!" Molly interrupted her husband. "She is not old enough to understand what she is getting herself into, getting involved with him, and she is certainly not old enough to be carrying on like that."
"As I recall you and I had already been 'carrying on' for several years by the time we were Mairead's age."
"That is different!" hissed Molly. "You and I were in a serious, committed relationship."
"How do you know they're not?" challenged Arthur.
"I - b- y-" Molly spluttered for a few moments before changing tactics. "What did Dumbledore have to say about it?"
"He didn't comment," Arthur answered.
"What do you mean, he didn't comment?"
"He said, 'I see,' and then he asked me if I had anything else I wished to tell him."
Remus heard Molly sigh in exasperation. "Well, maybe he intends to talk to Remus privately about this."
"Maybe," said Arthur. "But in that case I think we should let him do what, if anything, he thinks best and stay out of it ourselves."
"Arthur Weasley, don't you go telling me that I have no right to be concerned!" Molly said hotly. "Mairead is an extremely vulnerable young woman. She is disabled, she is homeless, she has no mother to talk to or to look out for her best interests and he is taking advantage -"
"You don't know that he's taking advantage, Molly," Arthur spoke over her. "Haven't you noticed the way he looks at her? He worships the ground she walks on... I think he's in love with her."
"Oh, nonsense!" snapped Molly. "He never would have even noticed her if I hadn't pointed her out to him."
Remus blinked. There was brief silence, which led him to believe that Arthur was as confused as he was. When Molly spoke again, her voice sounded weaker, more vulnerable.
"Don't you see, Arthur? This is all my fault," she said, her voice trembling. "I told him over the summer that Mairead had a crush on him. I didn't mean anything by it! I thought it was sweet, the way she hero worshipped him. I never dreamed that this was what he would do with that information."
Remus tried to swallow but found that his mouth had gone dry. He closed his eyes, hot shame washing over him. Dimly, he heard Arthur sigh.
"I think you're underestimating Mairead," he said. "I worked with her quite closely on those listening devices. I got to know her fairly well. She is not the feeble little girl you're making her out to be. She's smart. Very smart. And she's resourceful. She knows how to take care of herself."
"If she knew how to take care of herself then do you really think that she would be sleeping with her former professor, a man twice her age and who happens to have a very dangerous affliction?" Molly rejoined.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake, Molly!" said Arthur in a tone of frustration. "Listen to yourself! Are you honestly saying that werewolves shouldn't be allowed to fall in love?"
"Of course not!" Molly snapped. "I'm saying that Hogwarts professors shouldn't be allowed to help themselves to their underage students!"
"She isn't underage, Molly!" cried Arthur. "She is an adult! A fully-qualified, grown adult."
"She's Percy's age." Remus heard Arthur's sharp intake of air at Molly's mention of their estranged son. "She's the same age as our boy."
"And we are respecting Percy's right to make his own choices," said Arthur, his voice chilly and formal. "We may not agree with those choices, but he is old enough to make them on his own and to deal with the consequences."
When Molly spoke again, her voice shook dangerously. "Even if those choices ruin lives?"
Remus's breath caught in his throat and he stumbled away from the door, unable to listen to any more. He made his way back to his room in a daze, taking shallow breaths through his teeth, Molly's words echoing in his head.
He felt sick. He felt overly warm. He felt dizzy. He made it to his bed before his knees gave out and he sat down hard on the edge of the mattress. He leaned over and rested his forehead on his knees, clutching the side of the bed for stability.
It was one thing to worry secretly that his actions could negatively affect Mairead's future. It was another entirely to hear his fears confirmed by someone else. Someone with children Mairead's age.
A horrific thought occurred to him then. What would Mairead's mother have said, to learn that her only child was in a relationship with a monster?
A second, far worse thought was not far behind. Would Remus have even gone anywhere near Mairead had she had parents looking out for her? Or had he made his move because he knew there was no one to stop him, unguarded and unprotected as she was?
He let out a sickened groan.
I'm ruining Mairead's life. I'm ruining it.
What had he been thinking, taking up with her? Had he honestly forgotten what his entire adult life had been like? Had he genuinely thought that he could spare her the suffering and degradation that was his daily lot? Had he really thought he could make her happy long term?
No. That was just the problem. He hadn't thought. He had only wanted, and taken what he wanted.
And now, because of his inexcusably selfish actions, he had ruined the life of the person he loved most.
Mairead took a few long, slow breaths to steady herself before knocking on Remus's door. She had not seen him all day. He had disappeared right after breakfast, and had not joined them for either lunch or dinner. Mairead knew by now that there was little point in searching for the man when he did not wish to be found, and so she had stayed away all day, at Sirius's urging.
"You've got to give him his space, Gryffindor," he had advised her as they washed up after a late lunch. "He's got to pull himself out of the tailspin." She had waited all day, and only gone searching for Remus (with Sirius's approval) after a quiet dinner with Sirius, everyone else having gone home after lunch.
A long silence met her knock, and she wondered if she had not waited long enough before making her approach. She was debating whether to allow herself a second knock - after all, Remus had blithely ignored his own rules regarding the number of knocks and amount of noise permitted in corridors when he had come to her last night - when the door opened a sliver.
Mairead looked up and saw one of Remus's eyes at the crack in the door, looking alert and cautious. "Hi," she said softly.
He hesitated, as though deciding whether it was too late to pretend she was not there, then said through a sigh, "Hello, Mairead."
Mairead gnawed on her lip uncertainly. "May I please come in? Please?" she repeated the entreaty when he looked like he was about to say no. "Everyone's gone now. There's only you and me and Sirius in the house."
Remus's eyes looked past Mairead into the corridor, as though doubting her words. Then, looking reluctant in the extreme, he stepped back and pulled the door wider. Mairead slipped into the room through the narrow gap Remus had opened in the door. He closed the door behind her, but she noticed he kept his hand on the handle.
He did not look well at all. His eyes were tight with stress, his jaw was clenched, his mouth a grim line, and Mairead could see the tension in his shoulders and neck. She was immediately beset with a wave of guilt. It was her fault he was in this state. If she had only kept her mouth shut!
Twisting her fingers around themselves, Mairead squeaked out, "How are you?"
Remus smiled wanly at her. "I'm well, thanks, and yourself?"
She blinked. Did he honestly expect her to buy that? Feeling rejected at his deliberate distancing, Mairead looked at the ground and said, "I'm fine," in a whisper.
She could feel Remus's eyes on her, waiting patiently - or perhaps not; perhaps his patience was an act, too - for her to say what she had come here to say. She swallowed with difficulty, then said in a tiny voice, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry for what happened last night. I - I... I messed up. Badly. Remus, I -" her voice broke and she turned away, embarrassed and frustrated with herself that she had not been able to keep her tears at bay. She wished she could control her emotions the way he could. She wished she could have thought faster last night, the way he would have.
She wished she could have been good enough to deserve him. She put a hand over her mouth and struggled to get ahold of herself.
"This wasn't your fault, Mairead."
Mairead's breath hitched at Remus's quiet words. Sniffling quietly, she started to say, "But I -"
"It wasn't your fault," Remus repeated. "It was mine. This... this entire situation is my fault. You didn't do anything wrong."
"But... but I shouldn't have shouted," she said thickly. "I should've just kept quiet."
"If you had done that then Bill's Patronus would have gone straight through the door and into your bedroom and everyone would have found out I was in there, anyway," said Remus evenly.
Mairead sniffed again. "Well, then... I... I could have... if I hadn't -"
"If I hadn't insisted on coming into your room then none of this would have happened," Remus said firmly. "It was my fault. You did nothing wrong. I was the one who broke the rules, not you."
Mairead blinked rapidly, trying to clear her tears away. She turned back to him, hope beginning to flicker in her stomach. Perhaps she was overreacting. Perhaps he was only upset because he thought that she would be upset. Tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, Mairead said softly, "Well, the good news is, we don't need those rules anymore." She looked up at Remus hopefully, but felt a sinking in her stomach at what she saw. His eyes had not warmed or softened. "I just mean, s-since everyone knows about us now, we don't need to worry about keeping things secret. Erm... right?" she questioned at his continued silence. "The - the rules were just to keep people from finding out. But... but now that they know... we can just..." she trailed off, looking at the bleak expression on his face.
Remus sighed and dropped her gaze. "Mairead..." he began, and Mairead instantly knew, just from the way he said her name, where this was going.
"No," she said at once.
Remus looked back at her, silently begging her to be reasonable. "We can't," he said. "We never should have in the first place. This whole..." he gestured vaguely with a hand, then shook his head. "I never should have allowed it - no, that's not right. I never should have started it. This is my fault," he continued, taking a step towards her as she backed away, shaking her head. "All of it. I... I misled you. I confused you, seduced you. I'll never forgive myself. You trusted me and I... I helped myself to you."
"You can't honestly be falling back on that old line, can you?" Mairead said, feeling angry and frustrated now. "That is bullshit and you know it, Remus!"
Remus looked directly at her. "No, it isn't, Mairead," he said simply, but resolutely. "It's the truth. It's what happened."
"No, it isn't!"
"I don't expect you to understand right now," Remus said as if she hadn't spoken. "You can't possibly be expected to understand, because your mind is still operating under the manipulation I subjected you to. And that's my fault, too. Mairead, you have no idea just how badly I have violated you -"
"NO!" she shouted, folding her arms protectively over herself. "Stop this! Why are you doing this?"
"Because it's the truth," he said.
"No, it isn't!" she insisted, throwing her arms up. "Jesus Christ - I thought we were past this! Why are you doing this? Why do you have to be doing this right now? We - we're finally - we can finally - we don't have to hide anymore!" She started walking towards him now, hands reaching for him. Remus looked at her warily and began to back away but she pursued him, determined to get him to see what she saw. "Don't you see, Remus? It's over! The hiding, the sneaking around - we don't have to do any of that anymore. That's what the problem is. That's what's wrong about what we've been doing. But we can stop now. We don't have to lie anymore. I don't want to lie anymore. I'm not ashamed of this, Remus. I'm not ashamed of us. I never was. Remus, I lov-"
"Stop!"
Mairead fell back a step at the look on Remus's face. There was alarm and discomfort, yes, but more than that, there was a revulsion, a panic, that made Mairead feel like she had just crashed headlong into a wall.
"Stop," he repeated in a hushed tone.
Mairead frowned in confusion. "Why?" she asked in a tiny voice. "Why don't you want to hear me? Why won't you even consider this? We can work together. Like you said last night, remember? We can put our heads together and figure out a long-term plan. We can... we can finally start planning for things long-term now. We can... we can be together now. Really together. I want to be together. Don't you?"
"No."
Mairead blinked rapidly. She looked at Remus, mouth open a little with surprise, and it was like watching a human being turn to stone right in front of her.
It started with his eyes. All the light, the warmth, the affection drained out, leaving them cold and emotionless. His mouth formed a straight line; no smile, no teasing twitch at the corners. His body, his entire being, closed off to her, until it felt like the two of them were standing in completely separate spaces, with a floor-to-ceiling wall of unbreakable ice between them, completely transparent and invisible to the eye, but impenetrable and so chilling that it made a shiver run through Mairead.
Mairead stood there, arms limp at her sides, stunned and hurt and confused and completely unable to speak. The wall he had shoved between them felt so real that when he spoke again, she was startled, half-believing that she should not have been able to hear him through its thickness.
"I told you from the beginning that this couldn't go anywhere," he said, his voice solid and unshakable. "I told you that nothing could come of this. And you agreed,Mairead. You agreed." Mairead could hear his voice grow somehow even colder, lowering into a growl as he continued. "I spelled things out perfectly clearly to you from the very start. I told you that no one could know. I told you this was all we could ever have. You don't get to go back and rewrite history now that you've had second thoughts and it displeases you. You want to know what my long-term plan is? I have no long-term plan. And the reason I have no long-term plan is because there is nothing, will never be anything long-term between us. There was never going to be." Remus watched her dispassionately as her eyes filled with tears. He paused for breath, then dealt the final blow. "I thought you were old enough to handle this. I can see now that I've made a mistake."
Mairead held perfectly still, certain that if she moved, if she blinked, if she so much as took a breath, she would shatter into a million pieces. But Remus was waiting, and he no longer looked quite so patient. So she wiggled a finger experimentally. It moved, and she stayed together. She blinked a few times, and the tears that were poised on the edges of her eyes stayed where they were, though they were so hot in the cold air that they burned her eyes. But when she took a breath in, the pain of it stabbed so sharply that she almost cried out.
Swallowing past the lump in her throat, she whispered, "Oh, okay." It was the best she could do.
Her gaze went to the door, but Remus was standing so close to it that she could not figure out how she could make her exit.
Remus didn't miss the direction of her eyes. He took a step away from the door, clearing her path. Head down, breath held tightly, Mairead scurried for the door, pulling it open and slipping out into the corridor.
"I -" she turned at the last second before pulling the door closed. She forced herself to look straight at Remus. Because her vision was so blurry with tears, it looked for a moment as though something was flickering in his eyes, wavering. But she blinked and it was gone. Fighting down the stabbing pain that was still coming with every breath, she bit out, "I'm sorry. I'm - yeah. I'm really sorry."
She pulled the door closed. As soon as the latch clicked she dashed for the stairs. But instead of rushing up to her bedroom, she bolted down the stairs to the main floor. She knew she shouldn't open the locks by herself. She could do up a few of the simpler locks herself, but all of the more advanced locks and wards required the use of magic that was unavailable to her.
She did not care. She knew Sirius would forgive her, and Remus... Remus probably expected no better of her.
When she got outside, she was immediately hit by a stabbing November wind. She was not wearing a cloak. She was not even wearing shoes. Ignoring the way the wind bit at the tears on her face, she stumbled down the stairs of number twelve and ran down the pavement until she reached her car, parked along the road.
The door was locked, because of course it was. Fumbling for her wand, Mairead said, "Accio, car keys," and watched a small object come sailing out of an upper story window and into her cupped hands. It took her several tries before her shaking hands could fit the key into the lock. But when she finally pulled the door open with the familiar squeal of metal on metal, and slid into the driver's seat, and wrapped her freezing cold hands around the freezing cold steering wheel, and breathed in the air of her car, the simple comfort of being back in a familiar place - a place that was hers, not rented, not borrowed on someone else's good graces, not temporary - was so great that she lost all control and broke down entirely.
She leaned forward and rested her head against the steering wheel, letting the frigid temperature of the leather soothe her feverish skin. Here she did not have to be quiet. Here she did not have to put on a good face. She let herself wail as loudly and as brokenly as she wished. And then, she pulled herself together enough to sit back and wipe her face, and she started the engine.
She did what she had always fantasized about doing. She drove long into the night, until London and everyone in it was far behind her. She drove into the middle of nowhere, where no one had ever heard of her, drove until there were no houses to be seen, no streetlights, no lights at all. She drove until she found a patch of grass shielded from view by trees. Then, she carefully guided her car in between the trees, turned off the engine, climbed into the backseat, and fell asleep.
Author's Note: I... uh. Yeah. Sorry. I'm the worst. Sorry. Just to defend Remus preemptively... yeah, never mind. Let him have it.
Song for this chapter: "Haunted (Acoustic Version)," by Taylor Swift (Mairead)
