A/N: A year ago yesterday we lost Evan Hawkins far too soon. I still haven't recovered. Violet's screams still haunt my dreams. Trauma for real.
This story takes place a few years after reminders of you. I hope you enjoy❤️
forever our always
Violet stood in the doorway of Theo's room, watching silently as the little boy played with the toy ambulance his aunt Natalie had given him for his birthday a few months ago. He'd gotten so many toys and games, but that toy ambulance was his favorite. He was undoubtedly obsessed, influenced by all the time he spent visiting 51.
Theo was four now. He'd grown so much in the past few years and he looked more and more like his dad every day.
While she was pregnant, everyone told her she'd have a mini-Evan but at the time, still drowning in grief, she wrote it off as people trying to be kind and remind her that Evan would always be with her. Now though, as Theo had grown, there was no denying those people were right.
Between the fluffy hair, bright eyes, and cheeky smile, Theo was the spitting image of Evan.
His personality was all her, but certain quirks—little faces or gestures he'd make—were just so Evan.
Violet's heart still hurt even after all these years—for herself and the future she never got to have and for her son and the wonderful father he never got to meet.
Violet watched him for a few more minutes before she lightly knocked on the door frame. "Hey bud, I thought you were supposed to be getting dressed?"
Theo smiled at his mom, holding up his toy. "Ambo!"
"That is an ambulance, good job!" Violet smiled. "Are you ready to get dressed? We need to leave pretty soon so we have time before we meet grandma and grandpa for lunch."
"Bring ambo?"
"I don't know buddy, it's not really a place for toys and I don't want you to lose it."
"Pwease mama?" Theo asked, eyes big and begging. "I pway wif daddy."
Violet was quiet for a moment. "You want to play ambo with daddy?" she asked quietly.
Theo nodded and that stole all the argument from Violet.
Evan had never been kept a secret from Theo. He'd been shown pictures and videos, was told countless stories by his mom, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, and he even got to hear Evan's voice through the voice recordings Violet still had saved on his laptop. As he got older and was able to understand a little more, Theo started asking questions. He saw his friends at daycare being picked up by their dads and he wondered where his dad was and why he couldn't see him.
It was a hard conversation, one Violet had been preparing for but dreading to have.
The conversation was hard and both Violet and Theo shed some tears, but he eventually understood. He asked to go visit Evan and Violet took him to the cemetery the next day to see Evan's grave.
That was a year ago and now she and Theo visited Evan's grave whenever they could. Sometimes they'd bring flowers or little knickknack holiday decorations and sometimes they'd go just to talk or sit.
Today was the first time Theo had asked to bring something.
Violet sat on the floor next to Theo, hugging the little boy close when he crawled into her lap. "Of course, you can bring your ambulance to play with daddy. I think that sounds like fun. Can I ask why you want to bring it with us today?"
Theo shrugged and played distractedly with the wheel of his toy before answering his mom's question. "I wish daddy was here."
Violet hugged him tighter "I know buddy. I wish he was here too. I wish you could've gotten to meet him and I wish he could see what a cool little dude you are," she added, tickling Theo's stomach, drawing a giggle from the little boy and lightening the mood a bit. "But do you remember what we always say?"
"Daddy is always with us. Right here." Theo answered, pointing to his heart.
"Right, We can still miss him and be sad that he's gone but we also have to remember that he's always with us and watching over us and that he'd want us to still be happy. OK?"
Theo nodded and hugged his mom. Violet hugged him back. Hard.
She'd be lying if she said she hadn't been expecting a talk like this. It was the 5-year anniversary of Evan's passing and everyone in Theo's orbit—Violet, his grandparents, aunts, and uncles—was acutely aware of the milestone. They'd tried to hide the brunt of their emotions from Theo, but the little boy was smart and observant and he picked up on things.
Violet hugged him a little longer, making sure he was okay, before Theo was ready to get dressed and get moving.
… … …
Violet and Theo arrived at the cemetery 30 minutes later. It would have been sooner but Theo wanted to bring flowers to Evan's grave and took great care to examine each bouquet the store had to offer. He ended up picking a small bouquet of pink flowers, explaining that pink was a bright, happy color and they'd make daddy happy.
Together, with ambulance toy and flowers in hand, Violet and Theo made their way through the rows of graves and headstones until they finally made it to Evan's.
Dennis and Julie had asked Violet to help design his headstone. The design was simple: a light gray granite with his name, birthday, and date of death engraved. They also decided to add the CFD Paramedic emblem with Chief bugles and his badge number and the words son, brother, partner, father, hero.
Theo plopped down on the grass directly in front of Evan's headstone and with a quick "hi daddy," he began talking about everything that had happened since the last time they'd visited.
Violet stood back at the foot of the plot half listening to Theo's stories and half lost in her own thoughts. The past five years had been the worst years of her life. All the major life moments she'd imagined in her future, a future with Evan, were gone in an instant. She was angry at the universe for taking the love of her life away from her and stealing her son's father away from him but more than anything, she was angry at herself. Violet knew, deep in the rational part of her brain, that there was nothing she could've done to save Evan but the pain and grief overshadowed logic.
It wasn't until she forgave herself that Violet realized that the past few years had also been the best of her life. She'd lost Evan but gained Theo, the most perfect little human who's half her and half Evan.
Careful not to disturb Theo, Violet moved to the side of Evan's headstone. She placed the bouquet of flowers on the top of the stone before moving her fingers down to trail across the inscription of his name. She whispered a few words and took a long moment of silence before sitting on the grass next to Theo.
Violet knew there might eventually come a day when she would fall in love again. She'd find a good man, one who treated her well and loved Theo like his own. He'd understand her past and honor the permanent place Evan and his memory would always have in her and Theo's lives.
She knew she'd probably have more kids one day, maybe giving Theo a sibling or two.
She knew the grief and pain would continue to get easier to live with as her life and Theo's continued to move forward.
Violet also knew that she would love and miss Evan Hawkins for the rest of her life. While the hole in her heart left behind by his passing might someday be stitched back together, it would never be filled.
That spot was Evan's and it always would be.
