Notes: I appreciate all the kudos and comments! They truly inspire me to continue writing and reassure me that you're enjoying this story thus far. Enjoy!
Oh, I've been dazed and confused
From the day I met you
Yeah, I lost my head
And I'd do it again
"What's going on between you and Benson?" Fin's question hung in the air, his eyes filled with suspicion. Amanda felt her heart race as she took a sip of her beer, trying to gather her thoughts. She leaned back against the booth, meeting Fin's gaze with confusion.
"What do you mean by 'what's the deal '?" Amanda understood his meaning all too well. Fin was a man who dwelled in the shadows, meticulously observing everyone and everything. He picked up on nuances that escaped others, and that made him a potentially formidable figure.
Fin gave her an unmistakable gaze, characterized by a piercing intensity that seemed to cut through any pretense or evasion. It was a look that conveyed a sense of seriousness and a demand for honesty, leaving no room for playful or evasive behavior. With furrowed brows and a stern expression, it was as if he were saying without words, " Stop playing . "
Amanda involuntarily rolled her eyes as she leaned forward, her arms crossed on the table in front of her. She took a deep breath, her thoughts racing as she considered what she should say. In reality, there was nothing to disclose because there was nothing happening between her and Benson. After several drawn-out moments, Amanda exhaled and glanced up at Fin's deep, patient eyes. She silently urged herself to be truthful.
"Whatever you think is happening, it's not." Amanda spoke with conviction, the truth in her words evident.
Fin locked his gaze onto her, as if he were sifting through her bright blue eyes, searching for a glimpse of honesty. There was a faint gloss in those eyes, perhaps from the beer, or perhaps it stemmed from the reluctance to confess the emotions she harbored within. Fin had no intention of pressuring her to reveal what she kept hidden, but the girl had never been adept at concealing her feelings when it came to Olivia Benson. It amused him, truth be told.
"Okay, then what's really going on?" Fin's voice held a note of curiosity. He took another sip of his beer, his body language encouraging her to speak openly.
Amanda finished her beer, signaling to the waitress for another. She leaned back into the booth, contemplating her response. Avoiding Fin's gaze, she allowed her eyes to wander around the room, avoiding the topic at hand. Deep down, she knew Fin had an understanding of the situation. He was perceptive like that.
"Amanda?" Fin's voice brought her back to the present. He leaned forward, offering a friendly and open presence. She trusted him not to judge.
"I'm bisexual..." Her words were soft and tremulous. Amanda felt a whirlwind of emotions inside, uncertain of how he would react or respond. Coming out is never easy, and it's especially challenging when it's to someone you deeply respect and have considered a good friend for nearly five years.
"Okay..." Fin's response was calm and accepting, giving Amanda a glimmer of relief.
"And as for Benson... the truth is, I have these intense feelings for her. It caught me off guard. I've always respected her and admired her, but this goes beyond that," Amanda confessed, her voice filled with honesty.
"How do you mean?" Fin asked curiously, taking another sip of his beer.
Amanda took a deep breath, nervously tucking her swept bangs behind her ear. The weight of her words lingered in the air as she began to speak. "I... I have these intense feelings for her," she admitted, her voice filled with uncertainty. She paused, searching for the right words to convey the complexity of her emotions. "I've been in romantic relationships with women before, but what I feel for Olivia is different. It's hard to explain," she sighed, her voice tinged with both longing and frustration.
"A crush?" he asked, trying to understand.
"Yes, I suppose you could call it that," Amanda replied, finally acknowledging her feelings.
"I hate to break it to you, Rollins, but neither you nor Benson are as slick as you think," he chuckled into his beer.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Amanda asked, her brow furrowing in confusion, as she nodded at the waitress who had just placed a fresh, cold beer bottle in front of her.
"You're not the only one with a crush."
Amanda rolled her eyes dramatically and let out an equally dramatic sigh. "Oh, come on, Fin, spare my feelings."
"Look, all I'm saying is that you're not the only one with a crush," he replied nonchalantly, as if he hadn't just dropped a bombshell on her.
"Again, what the hell are you talking about?"
"Open your eyes, Olivia stares at you from her office just like you stare at her with those googly, in-love eyes," he remarked with a playful grin.
Amanda chuckled at the absurdity of the words coming out of Fin's mouth. "Oh my god, stop... I don't believe you."
"Whatever, all I'm saying is that it's not one-sided."
"She's not even gay, or even a little bit gay," Amanda snapped back.
"Love is love," Fin responded.
Amanda shook her head. "Look, Olivia and I are in a good place now. I've worked hard to earn her trust again, to get her to open up to me. I don't want to jeopardize that just because I have some silly crush on her. I genuinely care about her, and we have too much at stake to mess it up."
"I know Olivia, and I've seen her when she's been in relationships. The way she looks at you..." He shook his head, chuckling softly to himself. "Just talk to her, for the sake of the squad."
"You know, you completely overlooked the fact that I just came out to you," Amanda said, trying to shift the conversation away from the topic of 'Olivia.
Fin snorted lightly into his beer before taking a slow slip, " Look kid, I don't care who you do or don't sleep with. All I care is that you are happy.."
Amanda gave Fin a small smile, her eyes rolling sarcastically. "Thanks," she replied.
It was around one in the morning, and the city skyline was cloaked in darkness, save for the scattered lights that illuminated the slumbering city. On this cold, windy fall night, the moon played hide-and-seek behind swiftly moving clouds, casting fleeting shadows on the rustling leaves below. The air had a crisp, biting quality, carrying the earthy scent of fallen foliage and a distant hint of woodsmoke. The trees, now stripped of their once-vibrant summer garb, stood like solemn sentinels, their bare branches swaying and creaking in the gusty breeze.
Amidst this nocturnal symphony, the stars shimmered through the intermittent gaps in the overcast sky, offering a feeble twinkle against the vast canvas of darkness. A palpable chill hung in the atmosphere, causing cheeks to flush and breath to materialize as misty plumes in the frigid air. It was a night that whispered of the impending winter, yet paradoxically held a haunting beauty in its desolation, a serene solitude that painted the world in muted shades of gray and silver.
With her arms wrapped tightly around her waist, Amanda made her way from the bar to her apartment building, hoping to shake off the alcohol's haze. She wasn't exactly drunk, but she certainly wasn't sober either. There was a strong temptation to text Olivia, to pour out her feelings about how beautiful she found her, and how those feelings had only intensified no matter how hard she'd tried to suppress them.
A gust of wind hit her face and tousled her hair, bringing her into a somewhat sober state of mind. The realization washed over her that texting Olivia at this late hour would be foolish. "It's one in the morning for fucks sake, " Amanda cursed to herself, berating her own impulsiveness.
Ending notes: I hope you've found this chapter enjoyable. While it's a bit of a slow burn, the next one promises to be exciting (hopefully!). Please, leave me a comment or review, and consider leaving kudos to show your support and let me know your thoughts on this chapter, whether you've enjoyed it or not. I apologize if the characters seem a bit out of character; it's been years since I last watched the show, so I'm going by my memories of them.
