The smeet was not doing well. She had stopped being loud about it as well which, contrary to his initial assumptions, was apparently a bad thing. They did not have a spare PAK and even if they had, installing it in these conditions would have been risky anyway. But without a PAK, what did smeet eat? How long was too long without food? Was it normal that she couldn't walk and didn't talk? What about sleeping, why did she sleep so often?

Had irkens really been this frail at some point?

Well, no matter. If she died, it spared him the chore of culling her. He leaned over the makeshift nest- a stolen cushion from the upstairs couch- and as he did, her tiny antennae fluttered up to tap-tap-tap against him. … maybe he could allow her to live for a few hours longer.

"Computer!"

Zim looked around like he expected something to happen, expression bunching. Right. He'd deactivated contact to the network so that no one could beat him to the punch. But now, that mostly meant that any access to the answers he needed was severely limited.

"Gir!"

The tin can dropped from one of the tangles in the ceiling. "Yes, master!"

"Report on the moisture levels outside!"

"I saw a bear on the news!"

"Wh- no. Gir, is. It. Still. Raining. Outside?"

"Huh? I dunno. TinyZim!"

"Don't touch!"

Zim snatched the little smeet up with an irritable growl and started for the surface. When they reached the upper floors, the oppressive droning of cursed Urth weather became apparent. His patience for this terrible planet grew thin, sometimes. The tiny figure in his arms huddled a little closer, apparently sharing the sentiment. He'd quickly earn suspicion if he missed more than a day or two of skool. Additionally, if he spent any longer off the network the Tallest would also begin to get suspicious.

A knock on the door ripped him away from his worries. He ducked and pressed himself against it out of sight, away from his disguise and unable to access it in a timely manner.

"What?"

"Zim? It's me! I, uh, I brought that stuff!"

The Dib creature did not know when to quit. Snarling, Zim reached and cracked the door open just a hair. The lowly human stood in soaked clothes and crooked glasses, clearly up to no good. Even with the minimal entry, the putrid breath of the storm leaked into his home.

"... what stuff?"

"You know? From yesterday? … I promised I would bring supplies to school so that you didn't kill me? And then you didn't come to school?"

"-give."

He shoved his free arm through the gap in the door, and the human complied. A paper bag was deposited in his fingers and he yanked it back in eagerly, dumping its contents to look over them. Foreign packages with foreign purposes stared back at him, and something cold came over him. It felt like one of his plans was crumbling apart, but somehow worse.

"What is all this?"

"Er… pureed food, some diaper stuff, and a couple toys?"

"Pureed human food?"

"Yeah?"

"I knew I couldn't trust you!"

"Hey, can I have my briefcase back?"

"-no."

Zim shouldered the door shut and picked through the odd supplies, quickly learning that the little jars were toxic and to be avoided. The larger box's contents didn't make much sense at all to him, but there was a small, rectangular bag as well. Upon popping open its strange latch, he immediately garnered a reaction from the being on his chest. She unburied her face, watching him with those horrible, organic little eyes. He'd seen these in cleaning aisles before. Shrugging to himself, he tugged out one of the odd, sopping cloths and offered it over. Immediately it ended up in the smeet's mouth. She gnawed on it with a grateful little noise, and with just enough viciousness for her to almost resemble a proper Irken. She ate three before he realized he'd never heard the human leave. A phone camera leered at them through the corner of the window.

A hiss tore from Zim's throat and he ripped the door open, throwing the intruding human coat-first into his living room with the aid of his PAK.

"YOU don't value your life very well, puny Dib-thing! Why test the amazing Zim a second time?"

"Why don't you tell me where the baby came from, Zim?"

Zim ground the dropped phone into the carpet with his heel, feeling weightless as his PAK lifted him well above the human's reach.

"I found her on the porch. I'm going to use you as a battery now."

"Huh?"

"I did not mumble! I'm going to imprison you and use your brain-meat electricity as a backup generator!"

One of his PAK's limbs came down and missed the boy, who scrambled upright and fled into the kitchen. The chase would have been ended in moments if his computer had been online, but as it was the Urth hatchling evaded him all the way down into the belly of his hideout. It became apparent he was searching for his weapons, and a laugh built in Zim's throat as he cornered the kid.

"You won't find them, Diiib." An energy net crackled in between his front mechanical legs. "I've already destroyed your pathetic, primitive weapons."

"My family will notice I'm gone!"

"I just caught you without the use of my arms, monkey-stench. Your words do not threaten me!" In a whirl of movement the PAK bound Dib in its net. "Unfortunately, I did not consider a prison when I settled because the best invaders don't take prisoners. So, you will be kept in the specimen room."

"Doesn't that make you less than the best?"

"It makes you less than a prisoner."

The way the flesh bag lost color was delicious. Zim dragged him down to a chamber-lift and from there to an aptly squatty specimen tank. As soon as the net died the monkey was on his feet, slapping at the tank's sides. Zim ignored his indignant babbling and left him there in the dark to consider his crimes.

By then his arms were thoroughly tired, so he returned to the surface to offer the little one more snacks. She refused, but it at least gave him a chance to go about disintegrating the Dib-creature's phone. He longed to have his power back on. It was exhausting trying to keep a secure perimeter all on his own. Maybe if he finished those tweaks on his PAK, it would be safe enough to go back online. The home was large, after all, how hard could it be to hide one tiny mutant-freak-thing? He tucked the child into a cupboard and returned to the depths to get some work done, relishing the hoarse cries that still echoed from the specimen room.

"Hey. Psst, hey, in here."

The hiss had come from the BIGTANK room and Gir stopped his legs, cocking his head to peer into the darkness there. Zim's PINKFRIEND DIB was half-sitting in a ball like he was trying to keep a secret. Gir loved secrets.

"Ohhhhh, did you hear that Schmon has a crush on Tera?"

"I- what? No. C'mere, I gotta ask you something."

Gir waddled in and plopped down in front of the PINKFRIEND's tank. His light-eyes made pink seem blue, but there was a lot of pink in here anyway, so it almost looked purple.

"Can you connect to the human internet?"

"Uh…" he thought and thought about it, but got the bad honk every time. "Nope! Master turned off all the networks. He's scared of the Tallest, and didn't want me ordering any more pigeons." A wash of sadness made everything heavy for a second and Gir had to fight a sniff. "I miss their little dances."

"Hold on, scared? Why would he be scared of your leaders?"

"Wellll because TinyZim is a 'freaky little abomination' who would compromise the mission, also Master wants to turn her into an egg sandwich himself so the recipe can be a surprise!"

"... well can you turn the internet back on?"

"Yeah, probably."

PINKFRIEND wanted a staring contest after that. His kind was funny because they didn't say so, they just started it. Like a surprise.

"Are you… gonna?"

"Gonna what?"

"Turn the internet on?"

"Oh! Nope. Master wants the internet off so he can make the perfect egg sandwich for the Tallest. I got the mayonnaise!"

"Yeah, you said that." PINKFRIEND DIB pinched at his smell-hole. Gir saw them do that a lot on TV, so noses must try to come off a lot. "Hey! I've got an idea. Do you want to throw a party?"

FIREWORKS went off in Gir's marble and he couldn't help his own excited gasp. "I LOVE parties! Can I bring the pigeons?"

"Yes, of course! Bring all the pigeons. But make sure you bring Tiny Zim too, okay? It's- it's a surprise party! Yeah! A big surprise party for Zim. And we all need to be here or else it won't be as special."

OF COURSE. Gir scrambled upright and ran ran ran from the room, calling for Joey and Kathleen and Tera, the best pigeons left in the force. Kathleen and Tera flew down and sat with their little claws on his head, but Tera and Joey weren't on speaking terms so he would probably have to get some chips to convince him it was a cool party. But that was GENIUS anyway because what party wasn't better with nachos?

Zim was in his workshop which probably meant that he would be there for HOURS, so there was no reason to try to be sneaky-quiet once he was upstairs. He got the streamers and the balloons, the chips and the soda and the deep red obelisk. Pigeons joined him when they heard, whispering to themselves about what dances they'd be showing off when their favorite songs came on, which reminded him they needed big, loud speakers. PINKFRIEND didn't help very much at all, but he had been the idea-haver, so in a way that made him sort of like Master, except Master couldn't have the idea because the surprise was for him, duh!

He threw everything together with piles of chips on the floor and colorful balloons all over. He was painting the party-sigils, proud he'd remembered them this time, when PINKFRIEND spoke up again.

"Gir this looks incredible! But are you forgetting something?"

JOEY. He must have YELLED it out loud because PINKFRIEND made a funny face.

"No. I mean, sure, but what about Tiny Zim?"

"Ohhhh yeaaaaah. I'll go get her!"

Then it was run run run again, back upstairs for Joey and TINYZIM. He looked in the couch cushions and the attic and the parent-closet, looked so good, but he couldn't find Joey anywhere. Had he run away? Was life hard on the streets for a little pigeon? WHERE WAS JOEY?

A second-crying joined him when he sat at the kitchen table to cry, and it made his brain stop like it was at a street light. TinyZim! He'd won hide-and-seek, she'd been in the cupboard this whole time! She squinted when he opened the door and scowled a little, and that made her look a lot like Master. He picked her up out of her box and puffed out his chest.

"Now TinyZim, you're not allowed to be a bad sport because I won fair and square. And also, we're having a pigeon party downstairs so who needs dumb hide and seek anyway? Tera's gonna do the Charlie-Brown!"

He hurried back downstairs with the last ingredient and DIB-PINKFRIEND looked so happy about it!

"Yes! Yes! Okay, last thing: come huddle in here with me so we can yell surprise when Zim gets his invitation."

Boy, Dib was smart. Maybe his head was so big so it could hold lots of good ideas at once. Gir could only hold like, two good ideas in his. And some gum. He scurried into the BIGTANK and sat, rocking his legs so the excitement wouldn't explode out of his eyes.

"Perfect! Now, why don't I hold Tiny Zim while you go tell Big Zim that there's a fire?"

"Why fire? There's no fire, this is a pigeons dance party. DANCE PARTY, WOO!"

Kathleen was already dancing. She always started too early and then wanted to go to bed before everyone had had enough fun.

"Just- it's so that his fear turns into extra happiness when we yell surprise."

"Oh! Ohhhhhhh! Yeah but I can't."

"What? Why not?"

"The glass only goes one way, see?" Gir tried to push his way out like he'd come in, but the BIGTANK was too hard now, like a biiig dome of cherry candy. "See?"

Dib looked so surprised, and Gir laughed and laughed. "SURPRISE! Dance now!"

Something wasn't right. Some of the fuzziness started to scurry away as he reattached his PAK, and in its wake a lingering sense of unease showed up. Why was the Dib-thing not yelling? Had he exhausted himself? That would make the implementation of especially tedious tasks extra satisfying right now.

"Gir! … Gir?"

Zim waited an extra few moments before grumbling and stalking to find the alligator clips on his own. It was probably the cursed monkey show again, he could never get the help he needed at this hour of the night. He found his way to a supply pod in the husk of the electrical chamber, collecting clips and wires and a prod for extra measure. He'd make the human rue this night, and the rest that had led up to his diseased brain making intrusions two nights in a row. And after he had shown mercy, no less!

… … wait, he had shown mercy. Why had he done that?

Colorful, refracting lights emanated from the specimen chamber and stole his attention away before he could think too critically, which was just as well- that area was still booting up after he'd toyed with his cognition module. Were those… nachos?

"Gir! Are you in there?"

"SURPRISE! Surprise surprise!"

The bot gave off a manic cackle and, rounding the corner, time seemed to freeze for Zim. There, in a pile of balloons and birds, his nemesis stood. With the smeet precariously held in the air by his filthy worm-fingers.

"WHAT is the MEANING OF THIS?"

"I've got your number, Zim! Now let me out of here before I drop-kick your gross baby!"

Unfamiliar feelings of three varieties bubbled up in his blood, but Zim schooled his face and turned his chin up. He'd seen the tiny twitch of Dib's brow. He was a squishy Urth-bag who wasn't capable of being a proper soldier.

"... go ahead. I was gonna cull her and use her body for science in the morning, anyway."

Yes, it was working. The monkey's expression fell in delightful disappointment and he seemed to consider his next move for a moment.

"I- I will! Don't make me do it!"

Zim folded his arms and kept up his indifferent act. Or, he tried his best to. It was when Dib snagged the smeet's antenna and drew a little squeak that he… seemed to glitch. In hindsight, he would most definitely say he had corrupted an algorithm in his processors somewhere. That didn't change the fact that he leapt into the tank without a second thought, wrapping furious hands around the human's skinny neck. The assault surprised Dib enough that he dropped Zim the Smaller, and Zim had to release him to catch her. As he did so he kicked the human to get some distance between them, his PAK's arms erupting from his back to pin the creature against the tank.

"I'LL TURN YOUR SKIN INTO A RUG! A SLAPPY RUG!"

Dib cowered under his might and after a few minutes of neither of them moving, Zim began to collect his composure.

"... Gir. Release me from this tank."

"Yes, master!"

The robot toddled over and gave the tank a less-than-impressive tap.

"Gir."

"I came in here for the surprise party! Now we're stuck."

"STUCK?"

"Mmm… yep! Oh wait, no. Yep. Yep, we're stuck. We're stuck good."