Draco darted past him with his dog and little peacock army behind him, waving over his shoulder. "Hi, Uncle Sev! Bye, Uncle Sev!"
Severus sighed and knocked on Lucius's bedroom door for the fifth time in a row. He called out, "Lucius, why in Merlin's name did you summon me claiming it was an emergency if you're going to hide in your room like a coward?"
The door creaked open just a smidge. The room inside was dark, but still there was no sign of Lucius.
Severus rolled his eyes at Lucius's dramatics. "Am I supposed to come in now?"
"Are you alone?" Lucius's voice was barely audible.
"Yes."
"Are you certain that you're alone?"
"Yes."
"Is…my wife nearby?"
"No. She's downstairs, wringing her hands and wondering what's got into her husband all of a sudden."
"What about Draco? If you open the door, would he be able to see me?"
Severus grew worried. What was so bad that Lucius was scared to come in front of his own family? He leaned in towards the door and said in a low tone, "Lucius, are you alright?"
A pale hand shot out from behind the door and grabbed Severus's wrist. Lucius yanked him into the pitch-black bedroom and shut the door behind him with a decisive click. Lucius murmured, "Severus, my friend, what you're about to see will, no doubt, terrify you, so beware…"
"I've seen Bella seduce the Dark Lord by painting herself red with Muggle blood. I don't think anything could terrify—"
Severus's eyes were trying to adjust to the darkness when all of a sudden, the floating candles were set alight with soft, seductive flames.
Dressed in the fluffiest, Slytherin-green bathrobe Severus had ever seen, Lucius stood in front of him with a large towel wrapped around his head.
Severus frowned and stared at the man. Neither of them spoke. The silence grew more uncomfortable by the second while Severus wondered what the fuck Lucius wanted from him.
Finally, he couldn't help himself; he broke the tense silence. "I admit defeat. I have no idea what's going on, why you're dressed like that, and what the emergency is."
Lucius sighed and placed his hands on the towel. "Something…dreadful is underneath this, and I myself am absolutely, positively disgusted at having to show this to you. I hope you have a brave heart, my friend, for what you're about to see is sure to give you nightmares—"
"Please just get to the point. I've got potions that need attending to back at Hogwarts, and I can't afford to—"
Lucius bent over, lowered his head, and began unravelling the towel with his nimble fingers. And then, he dramatically threw his head back. His long, blond locks flipped over his head; half of it was plastered to his forehead, while most of it fell over his shoulders in wet curls, as if he was an actor in a Muggle commercial.
Severus waited.
Lucius stared at him.
Severus still waited.
Lucius groaned loudly and demanded, "Well? Why aren't you running away in disgust?"
"Of…what?" Severus couldn't see anything wrong with Lucius.
"Of my hair!" Lucius wailed, grabbing his wet locks and tugging on them. "Can't you see my beautiful hair is ruined? This is an emergency!"
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. "I can't see anything wrong with your hair, Lucius. You must be seeing things."
Lucius barked, "No, I'm not! My hair should have been luscious after using my usual shampoo and conditioner, but for some reason, it's not! I bet that stupid mutt Draco insists on keeping did something to it."
"I can't see anything wrong with your hair," Severus argued.
"Feel my hair, damn it," Lucius snapped, storming closer to him and grabbing his hands. He placed a very uncomfortable Severus's hands on his head and barked, "See how rough it is now? How absolutely wrong to the touch? It should be soft and smooth and glossy—my hair should be like the finest silk in the world, but it's not!"
"Your hair's wet. That could be the reason it doesn't feel as it usually does," Severus said, lowering his hands.
Lucius shook his head vehemently. "No, I've been using the same shampoo and conditioner for the past twenty-five years, and nothing has ever happened to my hair. I refuse to go out in public with this rat's nest on my head! I need you to do something about it."
Severus's shoulders slumped. He pursed his lips and inspected Lucius's hair. Merlin's beard, the things he did for this dumb man.
"Well, what's your diagnosis?" Lucius demanded. "Will my glorious hair ever return to its luscious condition again, or am I doomed to wear a turban for the rest of my life? Tell me, Severus, tell me!"
"If you don't stop with your theatrics, I will force-feed you a potion that will make you bald," Severus threatened. He was completely serious, too; he would have to engineer the potion to make sure Lucius remained bald for all eternity, but he would do it if his hand was forced.
"Oh, the horror!" Lucius wailed, clutching onto his hair with both hands. "Severus, you monster."
"Now, shut up and tell me what you want," Severus growled, crossing his arms and glaring at the horror-stricken man.
Sometimes it felt like they were back in the Slytherin common room, where Lucius would hold theatrical plays every week, most of which he made sure were one-man shows where he would cast himself.
Thankfully, Severus had spent most of his time outside the dungeons with Lily until he had gone and called her a Mudblood. He was extremely apologetic, mostly because their friendship had gone down the drain, but also because he was then forced to watch the stupidity that was Lucius Malfoy and his equally ridiculous plays.
Speaking of…
"I want you to brew me a special potion. My hair needs to be as soft as freshly fallen snow, as silky as the rich Egyptian sheets I bought you for your birthday, as smooth as the Dark Lord's head, and—"
"I'll get you a Beautification Potion from my stock," Severus said, already stepping back.
"No, a simple Beautification Potion will not do! You need to brew me my own batch. Merlin knows how many times Draco and that menace will ruin my relaxing showers. I cannot let anyone see me in this state."
"If you want me to brew you your own batch, you're going to foot the bill."
"I'll do anything—pay anything as long as you get my beautiful hair back."
As long as Lucius was going to pay, Severus could do anything. He smiled. "I'll Owl you the bill."
