A/N: Written for Hogwarts assignment 3 Hagiology task 3: Write about forgiving a particularly nasty deed.

Warning: references to life-threatening situations

Word count: 813


Sirius was overcome with so much grief that he couldn't speak, which only made him feel guiltier. He wasn't the one who'd been hurt. It was him who had sent Snape to the Whomping Willow. It had been him who had almost made Remus, the person he cared most about in the world, a killer. He didn't deserve sympathy. He didn't deserve anything.

He'd always prided himself on not being like his parents, but maybe he was. Maybe the "pure blood" that the Black family loved to tout held a cruelty that he couldn't rid from his veins.

It had taken all his courage even to return to the dormitory after spending the night sleeping in an unused classroom. While the floor had been uncomfortable, it had been easier than facing the others—facingemRemus/em—but he didn't deserve to have things easy.

He'd expected the dormitory to be empty when he arrived. Breakfast had started more than an hour earlier. But Remus was there, alone and sitting on his bed, when Sirius arrived. Sirius froze just inside the door, held in place by Remus' intense gaze. He'd never seen Remus so angry, and the image burned in his retinas. He deserved to remember it forever.

"I'm so sorry," Sirius choked out, knowing that the words would never be adequate enough to make up for what he did. "I'm so sorry, Remus. What I did was disgusting. You should never speak to me again, but just know that I'm aware that I'm complete and utter shit."

For a long moment, Remus stared at him. Sirius didn't move, waiting to be yelled at and called the nasty names that he deserved. When Remus did speak, though, his voice was eerily quiet. It was so much worse than the yelling Sirius had imagined.

"It's hard to believe you mean that after what you did," he said.

Sirius swallowed. "I know."

He wasn't sure if trying to explain himself was the right move. It wasn't like it justified what he'd done. Looking back on it, what he'd done didn't even make sense. But Remus was looking at him expectantly, and Sirius didn't know what to do other than say what had been going through his head.

"I don't have any excuse that makes it better," he said. "I wasn't thinking, but that just makes what I did worse. You know me, I'm reckless. It's not that I wanted Snape to die. I just wanted to scare him, and it didn't occur to me that he might actually die. I'm such a shit person, Moony. I swear I didn't want you to kill anyone, but I guess I'm so cruel that I don't even realise what I'm doing. I'm just a monster. I don't deserve you."

He tried to keep going, to stress to Remus that he knew how terrible he was, but he started sobbing too hard to continue speaking. His eyes clouded with tears, and he blindly felt his way to his bed collapsing onto it.

The mattress sank down beside him, and Sirius jumped, surprised to find Remus next to him. His boyfriend wrapped him in a hug, pulling him close. For the first time, Sirius stiffened at his touch.

"You shouldn't be comforting me," he said. "I'm the one who fucked up. Not you."

"Yeah, you are," Remus said, and Sirius could hear the anger in it even as his grip on Sirius tightened. "And to be clear, I do think what you did was the stupidest fucking thing you could have done, but you've spent our entire friendship and relationship telling me I'm not a monster even when I swear I am, so I'm not going to let you believe you're one."

Sirius tried to take a deep breath but nearly choked on the air. "I am though. I almost got someone killed. You would never do something like that. What you do as a wolf doesn't count. You're not in your right mind. I was."

Remus sighed. "Maybe. But none of us think you actually wanted Snape dead, Sirius. We just think you're a monumental idiot."

Sirius buried his face in Remus' neck, unable to find it in him to care about the snot he was smearing everything. "I'll never do it again."

Somehow, Remus managed to laugh at that. "Oh, I know. I think the uncontrollable sobbing is enough of a sign that you've learned your lesson."

Sirius finally let himself sink fully into Remus' embrace. "Does this mean I'm forgiven? Because I don't feel like I deserve it."

There was a pause that stretched on for what felt like millennia.

"I'm still hurt," Remus said finally, "but I'm willing to move past it together. For better or worse, I love you, Sirius."

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, a phantom of a smile on his lips. "I love you too."