Disclaimer: I don't own Helluva Boss

Title: The weirdest kitchen you've ever seen

Summary: Blitz takes home his brand-new daughter and gives her a job.

...

Blitz tapped his foot on the floor impatiently as he waited for the money to go through. The receptionist had been doing her best to get him to reconsider, talking at length about the hellhound's issues and how she's attacked every vet she's ever seen. Blitz can't help but find it frustrating; he just wants to go home, and take his new daughter with him, and they're mocking him for wanting who he wants. It's clear that they expect him to be back before the night is out, begging to return her.

Not that he could. She's almost an adult, and they'd made sure to hammer home this wasn't a returnable situation. They doubt him.

There's a clatter, a crash, and a bang, and then there's two workers dragging the hound out by her arms. She's snarling and gnashing and trying to bite them, but it's hard with the thick metal cage around her snout. Blitz feels a private sense of horror as she straightens and stares him down, red eyes glowing with rage and hatred, a muzzle fitted perfectly around her maw.

She looks furious.

She looks terrified.

"Jesus fucking Christ," he utters. Her ears fall flat as the growling gets louder, jerking out of the grip of the workers. He turns to the receptionist. "You muzzled her? Is that even fucking legal?"

The hound woman shrugs, completely underwhelmed by the abuse at hand. "She bites, sir."

"Then fucking let her! My mug isn't gonna get any uglier." Blitz takes a few steps closer, ignoring her echoing growls as he reaches around to unlatch the hinge. The muzzle falls off just as she snaps forward, just barely missing his rapidly withdrawing hand. He sticks it out for a shake. "Hey, kid. I'm Blitz- the O is silent."

"I'll kill you," she tells him blandly.

"I do murder for a living," he replies. "You sound like you'll make a great fit for business."

Loona pauses, ears falling sideways. "...A job?"

"Fuck yes, a job!" he enthuses. Hellhounds like jobs, right? He'd been hoping that might get her on his side.

She settles a bit at that, as if she'd expected something far worse. Maybe she had. Loona grabs his hand and squeezes tight, every tooth on display as they shake. "Loona. Touch me again and I'll rip your dick off."

"I'll hold you to that, sweetie!"


She smokes. He learns that as they climb in the van and Loona pulls a pack out of her shirt, lighting up with the window cracked. Blitz wrinkles his nose against the initial smoke but allows it. There's plenty of time to kick the habit later.

The van splutters up to a red light, and he taps his claws on the wheel. "Uhhh, let's see. You probably want to know a bit about your new pop, huh?"

"You're not my dad," she says, succinct and cold, and Blitz expected that too. He ignores it.

"Well, I'm a circus spawn. My dad ran a big top that went across Pride and Wrath. Fucking love horses and cotton candy- hate birthday cakes and candles. I have a lot of misdirected rage that I use to kill humans. Oh, and I have access to the living world."

Loona stares him down, gobsmacked. "You're fucking with me."

"I am not," he says, because as much as he'd like to make a 'I'd never fuck my daughter' joke this is kind of a fresh situation. "Goetias like rawdogging rugged peasants. Guess he finds the circus thing hot. I got this old trick where I turn my tail into an animal, and I think he'd actually nut if I did it."

She must have a lot of questions, but Loona seems to have ignored that entirely. Maybe she thinks he's lost his mind. He probably has. "What the hell happened to your face?"

"Big fire. Don't like fire," he bites out, flicking his turn signal. "I don't like talking about it."

Loona turns back to the window and they don't talk the rest of the way home.


"Home sweet home," Blitz announces as he kicks open the door, waving a hand as if to say 'ta-da'.

Loona crept inside with her ears pinned back, sniffing the air. She'd expected a lot of bad things from being adopted so close to adulthood- from dog fighting to other, more sinister ideas. All she'd gotten so far was an uncomfortable car ride and a half-crazy imp. Even the apartment smelled somewhat alright, clean of everything except the gunpowder-y grit that Blitz himself reeked of.

Pelt prickling, she whirled on the imp, lips drawn back to show off teeth. "Alright, that's enough. What the hell is your scheme?"

"Good question!" he chirped. "Are you familiar with magic?"

Loona shifted back, eyes darting around the room. Loona was, by all accounts, very familiar with magic. She was the only hellhound she knew with access to a human disguise- something she'd made entirely so she could escape into the human world if need be. That made her talented, which made her valuable, which was two things she definitely didn't want strangers knowing. "The fuck?"

Blitz grabbed a random drawer- a kitchen drawer, for that matter, implying he'd stored it where he made food- and pulled out the biggest book Loona had ever seen. Littered with fancy gold lettering and a giant red bobble sticking out the side, it easily dwarfed him as he casually showed it off. "I picked up this fucking heavy ass book-"

"Grimoire," she corrected absentmindedly, running her nails over the gold. Holy shit, this thing was real. Holy shit, he wasn't crazy. "You seriously fucked a Goetia?"

"That's not- can we focus for a second?" he responds. "Look. I need someone to guard this book and open it so I can go into the human realm and kill some dickwads, alright? Now I tried, but this fancy-ass rich shit is beyond me."

"So?"

"So, I'm offering you a job." Blitz pushes the grimoire into her hands, and Loona holds it gently. Properly. "You need money? Boom, it's yours. You need a place to stay? Honey, I'm gonna front those bills. Stick with me and you'll never be in one of those gross cages again."

She flipped it open. Loona could make out a few words already- just ones she'd had to learn for his human disguise, but still. That made this doable. That made this job hers.

"Fine," she says, closing it. The book makes a satisfying thunk when the pages come together. "Whatever."

Blitz seemed to be, like, waiting for that. He lets out a girlish squeal and wraps her in a hug, tail winding around them with excited wiggles. Loona growls at this actual stranger as he squeezes tight. "Oh, thank fuck. I'm so excited! Daddy and daughter, working together to kill some fuckers."

"You're not my dad," she reminds him again, sensing this will become a common theme.

"Up for debate!" he shoots back, finally letting go. "Oooh, let's get a photo. I need a photo for my wall. I'm gonna get so many photos of my new baby girl!"

"Oh, god," Loona says, fully taken aback by all the weird found family vibes he's trying to put out.

"Can't help you here!" Blitz pulls a camera out of a cabinet- seriously, has this fucker ever heard of proper sorting?- with his tail and wiggles it as if to entice her. "I'm so proud of you!"


Loona runs her fingers down the photo often. Only when Blitz isn't around, only when he can't see it. She was barely an adult back then, so scared of the world at large, but she'd allowed it. She'd grimaced the whole way through, but she'd allowed it.

Now, when she sees it, she smiles. Just a little.

Author's Note: For a friend! The timeline might end up being a bit wonky, but I don't think so. Blitz doesn't seem to be in a rush with Stolas, implying to me that he's not got Loona at home- meanwhile he mentions it right away to Moxxie. So I think he got the book, got a daughter, then got his first coworker lol.

-Mandaree1