44. REBIRTHS AND RENEWALS

Tom was hovering, feeling once again completely useless faced with Holly's pain. She had been very quiet after the sentence had been carried out, wide-eyed and trembling. In shock. They had got her home and Remus had plied her with hot chocolate and cookies as the three Gryffindors had withdrawn into Holly's room. And she hadn't come out since then.

Tom had checked on her a few times, asking if she needed anything or if there was anything he could do, but Holly hadn't felt like talking, at least not to him. She had talked to her godfathers and to Sarah, at least, and under Dobby's careful cajoling had agreed to eat something as well.

So he was trying to give her time to process, to come to him when she was ready. And he was trying not to hover. He just hated to see her sliding back into that dark space when she had just started to feel a little better.

"Tom?" Holly asked in surprise to find him stood just outside her door. "Were you waiting for me?"

"I didn't want to disturb you if you were still asleep," Tom replied, carefully studying her pale face. "But I was hoping you would like to join us for breakfast."

"I think I'd like that," Holly murmured, moving closer to wrap herself around his middle. "Tom…"

"I know, kitten," Tom said, breathing a very gentle kiss against her forehead. "Let's go down for breakfast, all right? I think Hedwig brought some letters for you."

But it wasn't just Hedwig waiting for them at the breakfast table. On the back of Holly's usual chair, perfectly balanced on his taloned feet and with his long tail-feathers cascading in crimson and gold down to the floor, sat Fawkes, Dumbledore's bloody bird.

"He insisted on following me through the Floo," Severus offered before he could pose the question. "I think he has a message for Holly."

Fawkes gave a melodious trill, fluffing his wings a little and clicking his long, golden beak in Holly's direction.

"Maybe you shouldn't -" Tom started, but Holly had already stepped forward, caressing her fingers gently over the phoenix's head, who gave another sad trill.

"Hey, Fawkes, were you looking for me?" Holly whispered, a tremble in her voice that Tom didn't like at all.

The phoenix sang another few notes of his song and now Tom could see that it had to be close to his burn day because there were spots of pink skin visible underneath his magnificent plumage and as he shifted to offer Holly the letter he had carried in his claws one of his tail-feathers slowly drifted to the floor.

He had to force himself not to jump forward, to stop her from taking the letter, reminding himself that neither Fawkes nor that message would have got past the wards if either bore ill intent. Still, he almost wished he had when he saw the conflicting emotions on Holly's face.

"Thanks, Fawkes," she still said bravely. "I usually offer Hedwig some bacon – would you like some?"

Fawkes curred and stayed right where he was as Holly slid into her seat. He also accepted the strip of bacon she fed to him before hopping down to the armrest of her chair and resting his feathered head against her shoulder with a soft, sad coo.

"Don't you want to read that, kitten?" Tom asked carefully when Holly just kept turning the letter between her shaking fingers.

"You can decide later, after breakfast," Sirius interjected with a dark sideway look at Tom.

"And if you do feel like reading something you might wish to review the materials compiled by your professors to help you catch up before you return to school in the new year," Severus offered, levitating several scrolls of parchment over to Holly, whose dismay at Dumbledore's last message turned into dismay at the prospect of homework.

Tom nodded gratefully at the Potions Master.

"I'm happy to help if you need some assistance with Transfiguration or Charms," Sirius offered encouragingly. "And I'm sure Remus can help you if you have any questions about Defence or Care of Magical Creatures."

"Actually, I didn't assign you any additional work in Defence," Tom said. "You're at the top of your class and I'm sure you'll have no trouble at all with the rest of the Sixth Year curriculum."

Holly furrowed her brow. "But, wait… you were here. You couldn't have taught Defence these last few weeks, right?"

"I asked Augustus to step in for me. From what I've heard he's quite popular," Tom replied evenly.

Severus snorted. "That's because he loves the sound of his own voice so much that he never waits for the students to answer his questions."

"Oh… another Lockheart?" Holly asked with a quirk of her pink lips.

"He might not quite stoop to that level," Severus admitted grudgingly, sneering when Holly grinned. "I have my potions lab set up in the basement if you would like to practise some of the potions I have outlined for you."

"I'd like that," Holly answered immediately with an open smile and from the split second of surprise that flashed over Severus' face, Tom knew that the Potions Master still marvelled that Holly had so readily and completely forgiven him for the role he had played in her parents' death.

"I'm going to be brewing some potions for the infirmary this afternoon. You may join me then," Severus declared shortly before disappearing behind his Daily Prophet.

"Hedwig also brought letters from Hermione and Ron for you," Remus said, holding out two letters to his goddaughter.

Holly took them with a whispered thank you, followed by a deep sigh. "I don't know how to explain everything to them."

"I don't think they want an explanation, Holly, just to know that you're feeling better," Remus offered kindly, but Holly snorted.

"Have you met Hermione? She has never not wanted an explanation."

Sirius barked out a laugh, lightly squeezing her shoulders. "Then maybe wait until she comes to visit to look at dresses with Narcissa."

"Maybe. But I have to write back to Ron or he'll feel left out again," Holly said, nibbling on a Christmas cookie before breaking it in half and offering the bigger piece to Fawkes.

Tom could see that she was drifting off into her own thoughts again and thus wordlessly filled her plate with buttered pieces of toast and a few more of Dobby's Christmas cookies, hoping to tempt her to eat a little more. Sirius placed a mug of hot chocolate next to her plate, whipped cream and marshmallows on top, clearly sharing Tom's thought that Holly could use the extra calories.

They made a few more attempts to engage her in conversation, but Holly remained mostly focused on Fawkes, who, by the end of breakfast, had settled down in her lap with his eyes closed as Holly gently petted him.

"I'm just going to stay here for a bit and read my letters," she said, waving them off. "I'm fine, really."

"Okay, but call us if you need anything or if you want company," Sirius commanded, dropping a kiss to her forehead.

"I will," Holly promised patiently, smiling when Tom also leaned in to place a soft kiss to her cheek before he left to deal with the fall-out from the broken peace contract. The Ministry, with Fudge leading the way, was desperately scrabbling for assurances that the dissolution of the contract wouldn't lead to a dissolution of the fragile peace they had wrought and while Tom was prepared to give them those assurances he was not willing to concede any of the previously negotiated benefits for his side. With one possible exception.

§*§*§*§*§

When he went to check on her a few hours later, she was still curled up in that same chair, Fawkes asleep on his new perch on the back of Tom's chair, a number of red and gold feathers littering the floor beneath him.

"Kitten?" he called, not wanting to startle her and slipped into the chair next to her. "Are you still wondering whether to read it or not?"

It was an easy guess, seeing as she held Dumbledore's message twisted between her hands while her other letters and her homework lay discarded at her side.

Holly nodded, sniffing a little.

"Do you want to talk about it? Tell me what you're thinking?" Tom asked, sliding his hand under the thick waterfall of her hair to place it gently on the nape of her neck.

Holly sighed, twisting around so that she could rest herself against his shoulder. "I just… I know what I would want it to say, you know? That he's sorry, that he regrets that he went so far… that he understands, or at least respects the choice I made. I want to read it and remember how much I admired him and how safe he made me feel when I first came to Hogwarts; how incredibly kind he was to me when I threatened to get lost in the Mirror of Erised; how he told Hermione and me how we could save Sirius when I was so sure he was going to be kissed; how he protected me last year at the Ministry… I want to remember that side of him."

"But?" Tom asked carefully.

"What if the letter doesn't say anything like that?" Holly whispered brokenly. "What if he wrote to tell me what a disappointment I was to him and how I made the wrong choice, obviously, with another heaping on of all his allegations and insinuations?"

Personally, Tom thought that scenario two sounded much more likely, but he knew that his own biases weren't likely to make Holly feel any better. He carded his fingers slowly through her wild locks until he felt her relax a little.

"Maybe you could ask Sirius or Remus to read it," he then suggested carefully. "They can tell you if there's any information in it that you need and whether or not you should read it for yourself."

Holly sniffed again, dashing her tears away with an embarrassed, watery chuckle before finally placing the letter down. "I think I'll ask Remus. Sirius isn't really the best at being objective."

She smiled up at him and then scooted herself fully into his lap, snuggling into his chest with a small, relieved sigh. "Thanks, Tom. And thanks for giving me space… again. It's just been a lot to process."

"I know, kitten," Tom murmured, tucking her in safely against his chest. "And I understand why you might be a little hesitant to talk to me, given my less than amicable feelings towards Dumbledore. But I promise you can, about anything."

Holly heaved a deep breath, a delicate wrinkle appearing between her inky brows. "I know he broke the contract and all the things he said… I know he was trying to confuse me, but… That's not what this is about, Tom, it's not, because I wanted him to pay, I wanted him to stop meddling and thinking he knew everything best and that it was okay to treat people like they were just a means to an end. I wanted him to pay."

"But you didn't want him to die," Tom finished for her, holding her tighter when he felt her trembles. "He was over a hundred years old, Holly. When he lost his magic, his body just couldn't hold on to life any longer. It was not your fault."

Holly nodded jerkily, puffing out a shaky breath. "It would be so much easier if I could just keep being angry at him."

"But that's not you, kitten," Tom told her lovingly. "You're one of the most forgiving people I know and you're an empath, for Merlin's Sake. You're bound to feel a wild bouquet of emotions. And your relationship with Dumbledore was very complicated. So leave the anger to me – I promise you I have that covered – and allow yourself to grieve."

She sniffed again, absently playing with the small butterfly charm of her bracelet, before reaching out for his hand and weaving their fingers together. Silent tears still rolled down her soft cheeks, but Tom thought that she was actually starting to relax, to settle. And then, with a mournful whistle, Fawkes burst into flames.

§*§*§*§*§

Tom knocked carefully on the connecting door leading from the lavish master bedroom to the only slightly smaller lady's chamber in the suit of rooms Lucius had assigned to them for their stay at Malfoy Manor, pushing it open when Holly bid him to enter.

"I'm almost ready," she said, meeting his eyes through the mirror of her vanity with a timid smile. "Or no – I am ready. Because I don't think I can figure out what to do with the rest of the stuff Narcissa got me. What do you suppose this is good for?"

She held up a small instrument, similar to a pair of scissors ending in two half-moons, her pert nose crinkled in endearing confusion.

"I think it's to curl your lashes, which you definitely don't need," Tom offered after a brief hesitation, taking the chance to gently rub his thumb over Holly's cheek and admire her long, sooty and perfectly curled lashes.

"Oh, yeah, I can see that," Holly agreed after a moment, placing the lash curler down and then stepping fully into his arms.

He embraced her gently, glad to see her in such a good and relaxed mood, which could probably be attributed to her spending the better part of the afternoon frolicking across the snow-covered grounds of Malfoy Manor with her godfathers and her friends. Tom had found himself repeatedly distracted, watching them through one window or the other, having snowball fights, tobogganing down hills or in Sirius and Holly's case pelting through the snow in their Animagus forms until their dark furs got completely lost in a sparkling shower of glittering snow particles. When she had come back in, with the setting sun casting an orange glow over the winter landscape, she had been soaked to the bone, shivering with the cold, but with a wide happy grin under her rosy cheeks.

"Is it time to go down?" she asked in a soft murmur, leaning lightly against his chest.

"We still have a little time. I actually wanted to give you something –not so much a Christmas present as something that is long overdue," Tom replied, smiling when she peered up at him with curious green eyes.

He reached into his robes, banishing any last doubts or thoughts of nervousness as he pulled out the small, velvety box. He popped the lid and slid to one knee, hiding his nerves behind a gentle smirk as Holly gasped softly.

"Holly, my love. You've filled my life with so much joy and happiness, with hope and purpose and meaning these last few months. You are not only my equal, but the other half of my soul and I cannot imagine my life without you," he said with all the tenderness he had never thought himself capable of. "But I did things backwards and you got hurt – in no small part because of the many sins I committed in the past. So with this ring, I give you free."

"What?" Holly whispered, startling back slightly.

"I want you to have the freedom to choose, kitten," he explained, caressing her arms to stave off any insecurities, on both their parts. "I'd love nothing more than for us to stay married and to spend the rest of my life proving to you just how much I love you. But I know you felt pressured before – that I pressured you – and so I want to make it absolutely clear that this is a choice, not an obligation. If you want a divorce, I will sign the papers without contest and will give you free."

"I want to be free," Holly admitted softly and his heart dropped to somewhere within the vicinity of his knees. "But not free of you, Tom." She rolled her eyes with a soft chuff when he all but sagged in relief, cupping his face between her hands and placing a teasing kiss to his nose before drawing him to his feet. "You're ridiculous. As if you could ever let me got."

"I would try, if you needed me to," Tom vowed, touching her with all due reverence.

"I know," Holly replied with smile. "Now is that ring just a visual aid or are you going to put it on my finger?"

Tom chuckled, breathing a soft kiss to the sweet bow of her lips before he took the delicate gold band out of the ring box and slid it onto Holly's right ring finger.

"It's lovely," Holly said, carefully studying the finely crafted piece of jewellery and running her finger over the two entwining bands of gold, one of which was dotted with small diamonds and sparkling emeralds. "And very different."

Which, of course, was the point. The wedding ring he had first given to Holly had been made from heavy silver, with incised snakes along the rim: a Slytherin ring for a Slytherin bride, and much too ostentatious for Holly's small hands. He still felt sick at the memory of seeing the burnt shadow of that clunky thing on her finger.

"I see you very differently now," he explained, caressing her cheek. "I love you, Holly Potter."

"I love you, too, Tom Riddle," she replied, laughing a little when he wasn't quite quick enough to hide his shock. "Of course I do, Tom. And I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you…"

"I understand, kitten," Tom promised, leaning down for a very careful and soft kiss. "You had a lot on your plate."

Holly nodded, sighing. "I actually figured it out on Halloween and I was going to tell you, but… Afterwards, after everything that happened… Loving you makes me happy and I wasn't sure I could ever feel that way again…"

"You're allowed to be happy, Holly," Tom replied firmly, reading the uncertainty in her deep green eyes and cutting to the heart of the matter. "By Salazar, you deserve every happiness in this world, kitten."

"So do you," Holly said with a timid, grateful smile. "I guess we'll just have to work on believing it."

"Whether I deserve this happiness or not -" and Tom was very sure that many would contest that point, "- I'm too much a Slytherin not to take it. You're it for me, Holly. My wife. And I promise I will guard your heart zealously."

He leaned in for another gentle kiss, delighted when Holly actually swayed against him and lifted up on her tiptoes to chase his lips. But when they had to break for air, Holly looked a little troubled and unsure again, nervously tugging on the belt of her bathrobe.

"Talk to me, kitten. What's bothering you?" he asked, carefully tipping her chin up.

"I need us to go slow, Tom, like really slow," Holly pleaded.

"I remember something about slow, but not glacial?" Tom offered guilelessly, relieved when Holly managed a little giggle.

"I might need 'glacial' at the moment," she then admitted apologetically. "Because I don't want for it to affect me still… but it does."

Tom knew that of course, by dint of the quaking night terrors that still haunted Holly almost every night, if nothing else. As long as they had been married, Holly had always been prone to having bad dreams, and a small, selfish part of Tom was stupidly relieved that at least he didn't feature as the villain in them anymore. But he still hated seeing her in so much pain.

"You need time and that's understandable," he told her gently. "I was actually thinking that I would like to court you properly and hold off on any physical intimacy at least until you turn of age."

Holly pulled back abruptly, giving him a wide-eyed look of consternation. "But that's almost two years! And the age of consent is 16!"

"More like one and a half," Tom corrected with amusement. "And while you're remarkably mature and wise for someone so young, I do regret that I rushed you before, and not just in terms of our physical relationship. I want to do right by you, Holly, and there're some courtship rituals that I think would really work well for us."

"So are you going to write me sonnets, or something?" Holly asked after a brief hesitation, looking sceptical.

Tom laughed, picking up her hand so that he could breathe a kiss to her knuckles. "I hadn't planned that far ahead yet, but if you have your heart set on love poems then I will find us a courtship that includes those as well."

"Hm. Fine. But I'm still not waiting two years," Holly finally declared with a defiant tilt of her chin and familiar green fire in her eyes. "Just so you know."

"Thanks for the heads-up, kitten." Tom chuckled, already looking forward to when Holly would feel ready and lose her patience and throw all courtship rules out the window to seduce him. "Now, are we ready to go down? I think we're just in time to make our grand entrance – if you're up for it, of course."

"I am," Holly replied bravely, nestling at the belt of her robe and then shrugging it off to reveal the dress she had picked out with Narcissa's help.

Tom's breath caught and it took every last ounce of his restraint not to sweep her off her feet and ravish her right then and there, all his best intentions be damned. Holly looked simply stunning in her burgundy dress, off-shoulder, with diagonal pleating across the tight-fitting bodice, a shimmering underlayer of a brighter red fabric giving it depth and movement and making it seem like it was glowing, the reignited embers of an eternal flame.

"Is it… Do I not look okay?" she asked, nervously smoothing her hands over her flowing skirt.

"You look absolutely beautiful, Holly," Tom assured her and Holly beamed up at him and twirled around to let him admire the full picture.

"It's nice, isn't it?" she asked after she had finished her spin. "And it matches the colour of your eyes."

"So it does," Tom agreed, allowing himself to step close again and place one hand on her slender waist while he carefully brushed a curl of her hair back behind the delicate gold hairband that was woven into her locks like a crown. "But I wasn't admiring the dress, Holly."

Holly blushed, which only made her look even more lovely, and then rallied. "I still need shoes," she declared, wiggling her toes in her fluffy bath slippers before kicking them off with youthful abandon.

Tom offered her a stabilising hand as she slipped into a matching pair of kitten heels, taking advantage of their proximity to place another chaste kiss on her petal-soft lips, before lightly tapping his pocket square with his wand to change it from its deep emerald green to match the colour of Holly's dress.

"Neat," Holly commented brightly, if with an undertone of nervousness, before she slipped out of his arms for a moment to say her good-byes to Fawkes, who had his nest near the fireplace and was staring at Tom with rather reproachful coal-black eyes. Tom doubted that Dumbledore's old phoenix would ever warm to him, but Holly had of course adopted him right into her heart, seeming to find her own strength and joy of life again as she took care of Fawkes after his burning. So Tom was willing to tolerate Fawkes' clear dislike of him, though he was still glad that at least Holly's own familiar Hedwig was more accepting of him and had even deigned to take a piece of bacon from him once or twice when Holly had been otherwise occupied.

Holly lightly caressed her fingertips over Fawkes' head and through the downy feathers that had started to grow back in place of his previous, resplendent plumage, and whispered a few words that the phoenix answered with a soft, melodious trill.

Holly smiled and then turned back to Tom, accepting his arm and allowing him to lead her from their room. They met the others in a side hall off the grand ballroom, which would have been quiet if not for Sirius' loud laughter and the gregarious greeting he immediately shouted towards Holly.

"There's she is, my favourite goddaughter!" he exclaimed. "Are you ready for the Malfoys' over-the-top extravaganza of a Christmas Ball?"

"Is that what it said on the invitation?" Holly asked back with a flash of a grin.

"Something to the effect, I'm sure," Sirius replied with a barking laugh. "Apparently Cissa ordered another dozen ice sculptures to round out the orchestra and you will be relieved to know that the menu now features a respectable twelve courses instead of the measly ten courses that had been planned originally."

"Oh, good, I had been worried about that," Holly answered with a smirk, allowing Sirius to take her hand and give her a spin, making her laugh as he twirled her around in her pretty dress.

"Well, I have to admit that Cissa knows her dresses, at least – you look wonderful, Holly."

"Thank you. So do you," Holly replied with a smile. "You all look very handsome."

She smiled at all of them, at her godfathers and the Lestrange brothers and Severus, who only scowled harder at her compliment. But Holly focused on Rudolphus instead, a small furrow appearing between her dark brows.

"I understand why Remus is tense, but why are you?" she asked.

"He just doesn't relish the thought of being thrown back onto the marriage market," Rabastan answered with a noted lack of sympathy, grinning at his brother.

Rudolphus rolled his eyes with an unamused snort. "Narcissa already introduced me to half a dozen of her unmarried friends and I don't particularly look forward to meeting the rest of them tonight."

"We should all be so lucky as to face such terrible hardships," Severus commented with a sneer.

"I'm not looking for a new wife, Severus," Rudolphus gave back. "Only that my opinion does not seem to count for very much in this matter."

"Oh, it never does," Sirius interjected easily. "Have you received your proposal from Meredith Merryweather yet? She offered me a dukedom and my pick of her daughters if only I promised to give her grandchildren within the year."

Holly grimaced, wrapping her arms protectively around herself, and Remus gave a soft growl. Sirius laughed again, gently nudging the werewolf in the side.

"Don't worry, Moony. I told her what I tell everyone else: That I'm already happily spoken for and that we're blessed to have Holly as our daughter," he said, drawing Holly back into a loose sideway embrace.

Remus seemed to relax slightly and Holly smiled approvingly at her godfather, but Tom doubted that Rudolphus found Sirius' advice particularly helpful and so thought it best to move things along. He carefully touched Holly's shoulder before offering her his arm again.

"Shall we go down, kitten?"