WRITTEN FOR QLFC, Prompt Bingo

Prompt: Comedy


Severus knocked on the bedroom door and waited patiently. The door slowly creaked open to reveal darkness. It was mid-afternoon, but Lucius was up to his shenanigans already! Severus rolled his eyes but walked inside.

"Is my potion ready?" Lucius' low voice echoed in the dark bedroom. The curtains flapped lazily as cool wind blew through them.

Severus wondered how exactly the man was getting cold air in the middle of the worst summer they had seen in decades. He had better things to worry about though. He said into the void, "It's ready."

Lucius materialised like a wraith, completely out of nowhere Severus didn't jump at the man's sudden appearance. Lucius had done equally dramatic and mysterious things at Hogwarts.

The candles in the room flickered on, illuminating the room with a soft, ethereal glow. Lucius' pale face came into view. He was dressed in a dark-coloured bathrobe and had a towel on his head.

Lucius looked horrifying for a moment, but Severus kept his thoughts to himself. He wouldn't hear the end of it if he mentioned how creepy Lucius looked.

"Here's your vial," Severus said calmly. "Now, give me the remainder of my fees."

"All in due time, my friend," Lucius murmured. Where did he even take voice classes to sound so fairy-like yet creepy?

Lucius plucked the vial from Severus' fingers and pivoted elegantly before practically floating towards the en suite bathroom.

Severus wandered over to the window to take in some fresh air. He hadn't gotten out much, especially during the past couple of weeks when he was making a custom potion for Lucius'...affliction (that's what Lucius himself had called it when they had spoken via letters).

Severus closed his eyes and enjoyed the relaxing sounds of crickets chirping in the garden below, the cool breeze whipping through his sweat-damp hair. Unfortunately, if it wasn't one Malfoy annoying him, it was the other one.

"Uncle Vrus! Yoo-hoo! Uncle Vrus, down here!" Five-year-old Draco Malfoy yelled at the top of his lungs. A loud dog's bark accompanied his enthusiastic screams, and a long range of peacock sounds (all sorts of garbling, hooting and whatnot) followed it.

Severus sighed exasperatedly but opened his eyes and looked out the window. Draco was hopping on the spot, waving his arms over his head like he was directing an aeroplane's emergency landing. Right beside him was the boy's jumping golden retriever, a tiny puppy barely taller than Draco's knees with long shaggy fur that covered most of his eyes. And behind Draco stood the four albino peacocks Lucius had bought on a dare.

For some strange reason, one of the peacocks wore a small bonnet that Severus had seen Narcissa wear for a Ministry event. The others were wearing long black robes that covered their feathers, and one of them even had a small cane dangling from its neck.

Severus couldn't make heads nor tails of the scene. He didn't want to either.

Draco, his only godson, was a bit…strange. Not right in the head. Although a Malfoy, he didn't have any elegance, grace or even decorum. He was very enthusiastic and energised, a fact that annoyed Severus and Lucius to no end; Slytherins weren't supposed to be so easily stimulated, and both men feared he would end up in Gryffindor rather than their House.

Still, he was Severus' godson, so he tolerated his antics just like he did his own adopted son, Harry. Thank Merlin he had kept the two boys far away from each other all these years; he could only imagine the havoc they could wreak together.

"What are you doing in Father's room?" Draco yelled when Severus didn't respond.

Severus called out, "I'm helping your father with something. You go and…do whatever you were doing."

Draco grinned and yelled, "Want to come play with us, Uncle Vrus? We're off to tea now! Snitch Wigglebottom is getting hungry and Miss Fancybottom looks very tasty to him."

Already aware of the dog's strange name, Severus assumed the peacock in the bonnet was the aforementioned Miss Fancybottom. He gave the boy a weak smile and said, "Maybe some other time."

"No problem!" Draco turned around and was about to walk away when he whirled back towards the window, almost tripping over the dog's tail. "Uncle Vrus, be careful with Father! He hasn't been out of his room for years!"

Just then, Lucius glided up behind Severus, silent as a mouse. The towel was gone and his long platinum-blond locks flowed freely down his shoulders. Lucius looked over Severus' shoulder and called out, "Don't exaggerate, son. It's only been two weeks."

Draco lit up at the sight of Lucius—if that was even possible. He squealed and jumped even higher, clapping his little hands. "Father, you're alright! Mother said you might have gone to swim with the fishies! I told her you weren't in the pool, but she—"

"That's enough, Draco," Lucius said smoothly, raising his hand to quiet his son. "Tell your mother I'll be having words with her."

Draco giggled and nodded before herding his dog and peacock army to the other side of the garden.

Severus looked at Lucius, who was now inspecting his hair in the mirror. "May I have my compensation now? I'm getting late for an appointment."

He didn't bother telling Lucius that his appointment was simply a walk in the park with his charge. Harry loved looking for twigs and leaves in the park with him. And because Severus was secretly a sucker for these soft moments with him, he rarely refused the boy anything.

He'd been wrapped around the black-haired boy's chubby little fingers ever since he'd rescued Harry from the Dursleys and taken him to Hogwarts with him. Now, they lived in ?.

"Be patient," Lucius murmured, but it was as if he were talking to himself rather than Severus. He ducked his head and watched his blond hair fall over his cheeks. He turned his head to the right before dramatically flipping his head to the other side.

"What in Merlin's name are you doing?"

"Checking for ghastly imperfections," Lucius answered calmly. "Don't you remember the dreadful state of my hair two weeks ago? Merlin forbid, anything like that happens to my hair ever again! I just won't be able to bear it."

Severus pursed his lips to hide his irritation. "I still say nothing was wrong with your hair then—"

"No, no, I know it wasn't as luscious as it should have been. I have set ten house-elves on dog-watch duty. If that mutt even breathes in the direction of my hair products, I will know."

Severus mentally rolled his eyes so hard he got dizzy. Why was he even friends with this daft man? Oh, yes, the money. "Now that your hair is perfectly fine again, can I get my fees and leave?"

"One last experiment." Lucius turned to the mirror before lowering his chin to his chest.

Severus waited. He knew Lucius was going to do something dramatic again. And he was right.

Lucius threw his head back in slow motion. His blond hair flipped over his head and fell past his shoulders in wavy ringlets. It was something straight out of a Muggle shampoo commercial—maybe even better, not that Severus would admit it out loud, or else Lucius would never let him live it down or stop boasting about it.

Lucius thrust his chest out and preened at his reflection. "Beautiful, just beautiful. You have outdone yourself, you beauteous man. Your talent for being this perfect is unmatched."

"Thank you?" Severus said awkwardly, not knowing why Lucius was complimenting him.

"I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to myself. Who else could be this brilliant but me?" Lucius stated.

Before Severus could feel embarrassed, Lucius pulled out his wand from his bathrobe and flicked it at the dresser. A bag full of coins flew out, jangling noisily as it rushed towards Severus.

Grateful for the opportunity to escape, Severus caught it in his hand and quickly made for the door.

"Send me the entire batch of this potion as soon as possible. I will not hide away in my bedroom with a rat's nest on my head ever again."

"Will do," Severus muttered and closed the door behind him.

Apparently, it wasn't only Draco who wasn't right in the head. He had inherited the craziness from his father. Severus just hoped it wasn't contagious.