Chapter 6

All Xander could feel was pain as he felt the lifeblood drain from his body. He could feel the strength leaving him, but he tried to hold on. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to leave his friends or the newfound amity he had with Spike…

Xander bolted upright in bed, panting. Wiping a shaky hand over his face, he climbed out of bed and walked out the door, no longer sleepy despite the early hour. He knocked lightly on Spike's door, walking in without waiting for a reply.

Spike was sitting up, looking at the door expectantly. "What is it, whelp?"

"Nothing. Just woke up bored. Wanted to bother you." He glanced at his feet.

"Don't lie, Xander. You know I don't like it."

Xander flinched like he'd been struck. "I had a dream." He refused to call it a nightmare. "About the night I was turned."

Spike nodded his understanding. It had been exactly six months since it had happened, so it was no surprise that the kid was revisiting the memories now.

"That's normal. It'll pass."

Xander kept his eyes on his feet. Spike sighed, rubbing his face. It would probably always be difficult for Xander to ask for what he needed, since he'd retained so much of his human personality, but the boy was easy to read, at least for Spike.

"Come here, then." Spike sat up against the headboard. He could see that Xander didn't want to, but that he was unable to refuse Spike's order. "I won't bite."

Xander's mouth twitched into a brief smile as he sat on the bed next to Spike, though he clearly didn't want to be there.

"One of these days, kid, you're gonna to learn to tell me to sod off when you don't want to do something."

Xander shook his head.

"Oh yes," Spike continued. "You're gonna to learn to argue with me like you used to when you were human."

"Is…is that what you want, Spike?" Xander seemed unsure.

Spike sighed. "What do you want?"

"I want…I want to be myself."

"That's a good start. You should always be yourself."

Xander shifted so his shoulder was touching Spike's. "Be myself," he mused.

"Yeah. You have no problem being yourself with Angel. You bother him all the time, just like you always have."

"But you…you told me to."

"So, you didn't want to do it," Spike asked knowingly.

Xander thought for a moment. "I did. I do. I enjoy annoying Angel. It makes me feel…normal? Like it's something I'm supposed to do."

Spike laughed. "Me too." He briefly ruffled the boy's hair. "Before, it was good that you obeyed me so well. It kept you out of trouble, and helped you to learn faster. But now…you've been a vampire for six months. You've learned a lot, and, while you don't know everything, you'll be able to hold your own a lot better. You can even go out on your own now. Don't think I'm not glad you're so obedient. It's good sometimes. But it's not always necessary. You know you can disagree with me, because you did it before. So, what's the problem?"

Xander nodded. He did feel more competent now. Still, he didn't want this...friendship he had with Spike to disappear.

"I'm not ready to be on my own," he said so softly that Spike had to strain to hear it, even sitting as close as they were.

Spike frowned. Is that what was wrong? "Of course you're not. Who said anything about being on your own?"

"You did," Xander said cautiously, glancing at Spike. "Just now."
Spike put an arm around Xander's shoulders and drew him close. "That's not what I meant ya pillock. I meant you're learnin' 's all. That you've gotten stronger. I didn't mean you had to leave."

"Really?" The mistrust in Xander's voice actually hurt.

"Of course."

"But, I'll have to leave one day, won't I?" The pain in the boy's voice caught Spike off guard.

"Not necessarily. Lots of vampires stay together for centuries. The Scourge did. Why would you think you'd have to leave?"

Xander turned his face away. "You didn't want me."

"What? When?" Spike frowned in confusion.

"You didn't want to sire me. You didn't want me. You just did it for Buffy."

Spike shuddered at the thought. "It was more for Willow than Buffy," he mused before noticing how it made Xander curl into himself. Had the boy really had all this locked away and Spike never noticed before? Was this really why the boy was so obedient? He thought Spike wouldn't want to stay with him otherwise?

"I did it for you too. And for me. Believe me, Xan, if I hadn't wanted you, I would have staked you, not sired you. That's a lot of responsibility for me to take on if I didn't want to."

"Responsibility? Is that all it is," Xander muttered. "No one's ever wanted me, Spike. It's okay. Just don't lie to me."

"What do you mean 'no one wanted you?'"

Xander hesitated, but realized he had nothing more to lose. "My parents didn't want me. And when I turned, even my best friends…even Willow…didn't want me, couldn't even bear to look at me anymore. No one wants me."

Spike was stunned, and wondered what he could say to ease Xander's mind. "Look, remember when I mentioned the bond we have?"

Xander nodded against Spike's shoulder.

"Well, that means we're family. You, me, and unfortunately, even Angel. We're the only ones who can ever really understand each other. It's why Angel and I haven't actually killed each other yet. Because if we had, we wouldn't have had any family left, and to vampires…well…to normal, non-psychotic vampires, especially the older ones, family is the most important thing. Even if we don't show it, or talk about it…even if we try to kill each other, we won't let anyone else do it, because the bonds of blood mean something more than anyone else could ever understand."

"So, you're not leaving me?"

Spike scoffed. "Do I look like bloody Angel to you? No, Xander. No matter what, you're family, and I take that very seriously," he said, tilting the boy's head to look him in the eyes.

Xander nodded, remembering clearly the stories about Angel's betrayal, and how long Spike had stayed with Darla and Drusilla, until they had left him.

Spike had never used his words against him since he'd been turned, so Xander took a chance. "I want to stay."

"Then you will. You and me will cause trouble all over the place as soon as I get this chip out. We'll travel the world, livin' it up, stealin' and drinkin' from the rich, luring in poor, unsuspecting virgins."

Spike dropped into his game face, and his grin was truly a terrifying sight, but Xander smiled. "That sounds nice," he said through a yawn, assured, because he knew that Spike didn't lie just to make people feel better.

Spike smiled softly and tucked the boy into his bed before rising for the day. It was a few hours until dusk, but Spike no longer needed as much rest. He'd go find Angel and find out if he knew any new information before annoying him until dark.