Chapter 2

Awakening x and x Present

Consciousness returned to Killua slowly, although his body was much faster.

By the time his eyes cracked open he'd already bolted upright in his bed, hands out and glowing with shining blue sparks that bounced light across the shadows of his room.

His bedroom...

He'd been sleeping.

Quickly, Killua remembered himself and where he was, and made sure to cool his nen down before he singed another one of his favourite duvets. They weren't cheap after all.

With a sigh that sat somewhere between annoyance and relief Killua pulled his covers away, cringing as the fabric clung to his damp skin.

Another nightmare.

Well, at least he didn't wake up screaming and sobbing this time, not like he used to.

Killua ran a finger beneath his eyes to check and was relieved to find that it came back dry.

Flashes of vague, blurry images still lit up behind his eyes when he closed them, but he knew that would fade within a few minutes. It always did.

Yet he wouldn't forget them. Unlike most people, Killua didn't have the privilege of simply letting his nightmares fall away to the back of his mind where they could be stored in half-remembered fragments, or simply discarded. His nightmares couldn't be made into memories as that's what they already were. Killua's brain hardly ever had to get creative in order to torment him.

But that was fine, he'd deal with it. Had been for years...

With a groan Killua stretched his arms over his head, working out the tension that always collected in his muscles after these things before taking a glance out of his bedroom window.

It was still the middle of the night, that much was obvious. Probably around two or three in the morning if Killua had to guess, but he didn't bother searching for his phone to check the precise time. It wasn't like it mattered anyway, he knew he'd never be able to get back to sleep that night. Experience had taught him that much.

So instead, Killua hopped out of his bed and padded silently over to the door and- after creeping it open just enough- down the hall. He took care to be extra quiet lest he wake Alluka just two rooms away, she would inevitably want to check on him if she knew he was up.

Killua wanted her to get as much sleep as possible before tomorrow though. She had a presentation for her fashion arts class at school that she'd been super excited for after all.

Once he reached the end of the hall it didn't take Killua long to slip down the stairs, through the kitchen and out the front door, although not before disabling the incredibly sophisticated multi-layer security system he'd had installed when he first bought this place.

It was meant to be Zoldyck-proof, at least in theory anyway, but Killua was just thankful it could be enabled and disabled without an acknowledging beep that echoed throughout the entire house.

Once he was certain he wouldn't accidentally set the whole property into lockdown, Killua quietly stepped out onto the front porch, only taking a second to relish in the cool night air that washed over him before leaping up onto overhang above.

The black roof tiles pressed cold and damp with dew against Killua's bare feet as he climbed, the slippery incline offered no challenge to a boy who'd been trained to silently trail assassination targets from rooftops since he was four.

Once he reached the crest of the roof he sat, pulling his pale knees into his chest and resting his arms atop them.

It had been awhile since he'd been up here, especially not at night. He hadn't really needed to beyond installing that new internet dish Alluka had practically begged him for. Besides that though it hadn't been necessary, the nightmares hadn't been vicious enough to warrant it anymore, and Killua had developed more than enough alternative methods of coping with them anyway.

So why did he feel the need to do so tonight...?

Maybe it was the colours. Killua had always loved fall, ever since he was a little kid. Growing up among the vast, towering forests that surrounded Kukuroo Mountain, Killua had reveled in watching the ebbing heat of a long summer end. The lush greens of the trees turning into a beautiful mosaic of yellows, oranges and reds, before their leaves would inevitably fall and blanket the forest floor. Killua had always thought it looked like someone had spilled a sunset on the property.

And sometimes, if he wasn't occupied by endless hours of grueling 'training' and running contracts for his family, Killua would try to run off and jump into the giant leaf piles the Zoldyck family butlers would neatly sweep up. His mother hated having her precious paths and gardens littered with leaves, so they were always taken care of every year without delay, but Killua would make it his duty to disturb every single one.

Sometimes he got caught, the punishment his mother would dole out would always be sharp and swift but totally worth it to Killua. And if he was really lucky, it would be Gotoh or even occasionally Tsubone who would find him, and although they would be quick to admonish him and have him re-sweep whatever piles he disturbed, they never once reported him. Even as a kid Killua had understood what that meant, and he'd been eternally grateful for it.

So yeah, maybe it was the colours he loved most, or maybe it was the weather. Fall was the only season that sat perfectly between the searing heat of summer that left him exhausted, and the bone-chilling gusts of winter atop his mountain home that had him retreating indoors to escape the chill. That, and it lacked the endless rain and mud that spring tended to so dreadfully bring along with it, and that was always a plus to Killua.

Where Killua had lived though, fall had always been far too short, and winter was always close behind when you lived over thirty-five-hundred meters above sea level.

So maybe that was why Killua deeply appreciated where he lived now, basking in the last gasps of nighttime summer wind that rushed around him and billowed his hair, before soaring off to the towering silhouette of Yorknew City not too far away.

It was a wonderful feeling, and why he'd chosen this as the first place he'd go to after a nightmare. It calmed him.

Or at least, it used to. Killua didn't need it to calm him down anymore because being calm was no longer the problem. Waking up in the middle of the night like this didn't have Killua feeling angry anymore, didn't have him waking up in a violent thrashing that shredded his bedsheets and tore holes in his clothes as he cried out in anguish. It didn't have him waking up a shaking, sobbing mess either, unable to distinguish current reality from that of his tormented past, not until he scrambled up to the roof and felt the breeze to remind him where he truly was.

Now though...

Now Killua didn't feel those things after nightmares anymore, now he just felt sad.

The constant, ravaging intensities of anger and fear and heartbreak that had once overwhelmed him every night had faded, replaced instead by a deep melancholy that left him nothing but a numb corpse by the end of it.

Well, Killua supposed that was to be expected, the natural progression of his emotions after having four whole years to come to terms with them.

Four whole years...

Killua felt a sharp pang of some unnameable sorrow shoot through his chest at the thought.

It had been four years since all of it had happened. Four years the climatic battle with the Chimera Ants, four years since he and Gon had almost died, and four years since they'd parted ways with each other at the World Tree.

Four years to heal those wounds and yet Killua still had nightmares. Although he wondered what he'd been expecting really. Time may have been able to strengthen his barriers, to numb all the pain and the trauma and the guilt that clawed endlessly up at his heart at every waking moment, always seemingly one small movement away from dragging him back down into the darkness forever.

Time may have made that normal to Killua, but normal didn't mean okay, and a part of him knew that.

Nearly every evening without fail, Killua would dream about that night, would dream of the palace invasion. The worst night of his life, the night where everything changed.

Most of the time his unconscious mind would settle on a single moment or even emotion from that night, flashes of images and sounds repeated over and over on an endless loop he couldn't escape from.

Sometimes though, his restless mind would get more ambitious. Occasionally it would take him back to the blasted ruins of trees that he'd carried Gon through, having to restart his heart too many times to count before they made it back to safety. And then came the memories, the memories he'd re-lived in that moment somehow still carried on into his unconscious thoughts now with perfect clarity.

Memories within memories.

Dreams within dreams.

All of them awful.

Killua's dreams had always been like that though, always awful, always nightmares.

Well... maybe not always...

Despite himself, Killua felt his cheeks heat up at the thought, and he drew his legs even closer to his chest, burying his head in them.

There had been times, very rarely to be sure, but times nonetheless when Killua's dreams had been something other than reliving the heartbreaking reality of his past.

Sometimes, instead of being cold and paranoid and exhausted to his bones, Killua would feel warm and safe... even happy.

The dreams were always distant, fleeting things, often impossible to make out solid details through the swath of vague images and feelings. He knew they were good dreams though, even if he couldn't really remember them.

Although what Killua could remember, clear as day, was waking up from the dreams. A comforting, warm weight in his arms and a wetness on his lips that called out his best friend's name like a wish, like a prayer.

He'd been with Gon in those dreams, and he'd been content, that was all Killua knew.

At first he'd tried to convince himself the dreams were no more than the inevitable by-product of puberty (especially on the very rare occasions that they went... further), but he soon realized that wasn't the case.

He dreamed about Gon- the only good dreams he had -because he missed him, and it shouldn't have taken dissecting his unconscious thoughts in order to figure that out.

But Killua knew, deep down, that acknowledging that was dangerous. Thinking about how much he missed Gon would inevitably lead to thinking about other things as well, about long-repressed feelings and desires he hoped would remain forever buried.

Those were even moredangerous.

That was why he'd come up here so often, up to this roof. Trying to run away from the ghosts of a feeling that had once been the only thing keeping him alive.

It was a silly attempt, the ghosts always found their way up here, in one way or another.

Killua sighed as another gust of the approaching autumn breeze hit him, cooling the sweat marks on his pale blue nightshirt.

Sometimes, if he closed his eyes, and if the air that rushed between the towering steel forest before him was warm enough, Killua could almost pretend he was back there. Back at Whale Island, laying beneath billions of stars with one that shined even brighter than them all by his side. He could almost pretend like he was back with Gon...

Almost.

Now alone, looking up at the sky beyond, Killua still occasionally found himself searching, waiting to see if that same star would shoot across the night sky once more. The one that started it all.

How would he know if it was the same one? Killua was never sure, he just hoped he'd be able to feel it.

Years ago, back when he and Gon had first made their promises to each other under that beautiful Whale Island sky, Killua thought there was something almost magical about that night. Like that star would somehow connect their hearts together forever, as long as the promise was kept.

But that was all silly, he knew that now. Nothing but the delusional dreams of a child who wanted so desperately to hold onto the one good thing he had, for as long as he could.

'Then let's stay together from now on!'

Killua nearly flinched from how clear Gon's childhood declaration sounded in his ear, but he couldn't stop the scoff that bursted out of him at the memory.

Yeah, turns out that had been a fucking lie...

But which one of them had broken that promise?

Was it Killua, was it Gon, or had it been both?

The question had been one that Killua had laboured over endlessly for the last four years, since the moment he and Gon had parted ways.

Whose fault was it that they were no longer together?

Deep down though, Killua knew the answer.

Gon had been a selfish jerk, Killua could admit that now.

His younger self would have been entirely incapable of doing it, that he was sure of. Unable to utter a single word against Gon that wasn't artificially hardened, always concealing a sugary sweet layer of deep admiration beneath it. This time though, it was true.

Gon had messed up, had made mistakes, big ones that nearly cost him and Killua their lives... but...

But in the end, it was Killua who had been the one to split them apart.

Despite everything, all he'd been through to so desperately try and stay by Gon's side, it had been Killua's decision to leave. Even though he'd been willing to kill himself to honour the promise he and Gon made, Killua had been the one to break it.

And for good reasons.

If Killua was asked, he would say he left because he wanted to spend time with his sister, he'd say he 'found what he wanted to do with his life' and all that, but the reality was far more complicated.

Sure Killua had been 'prepared' to protect and care for Alluka for the rest of his life, of course he'd been 'prepared' for that possibility since the moment he'd first carried her off of Kukuroo Mountain... but that wasn't what he'd wanted to do.

Killua had wanted to stay with Gon, of course he had, but that wouldn't be healthy or safe for either of them.

The truth was that he and Alluka would be in great danger for the foreseeable future. Illumi and the rest of their former family wanted complete control over them in one form or another, and had proved they would go to just about any lengths to get it. Killua knew that he and his sister would be on the run for a long time, and that there was a genuine risk that one, or both of them would be killed in their defiance. It was just the reality of their lives at the time, there had been no avoiding it.

A part of Killua always knew that Gon cared deeply about him, so much so that it was almost terrifying. And if what Gon did to himself and to the people around him in order to save Kite... if that was any indication, Killua could only imagine how Gon would destroy himself if he had died instead.

And so Killua had to end it, had to separate and get as much distance from Gon as possible to protect the boy he cared about most from himself. He'd had to convince Gon that he'd moved on, that he'd found what he wanted to do with his life and that their time together was up. It had hurt, more in the years afterwards than Killua had ever thought possible, but it had been necessary.

He'd left Gon to protect Gon, but also to protect himself. No matter how much he'd brushed it off and accepted his friend's apology, Killua had still been hurting.

No amount of words could rectify what Killua had been through that night or the days after, what he'd seen and all that he'd had to go through.

Gon had hurt him, hurt him in the worst way possible and Killua hadn't been able to get over that with a single apology and a successful healing. He'd hoped he would, but he couldn't, and he needed some space.

So despite how viciously his unspoken feelings had protested and how broken he knew his heart would feel in the days to come, Killua needed to leave Gon, at least for a little while.

It had just been too much, all of it. Too much for even a boy like him to go through without breaking.

Reflexively, Killua flexed each of his fingers, feeling the muscles in his palm pleasantly pull and tighten. Some nights he could still feel it, the long-healed agony that still lingered where Gon's nen-fueled punches had struck. That dodgeball matched served as a reminder to Killua, a reminder of what he'd been willing to do for Gon, what he would sacrifice without a second thought if it meant he got to stay by his side even a second longer.

For a long time, Killua had been terrified of that part of himself, of what would happen if he allowed himself to be drawn back to Gon's side, and even more so of the fact that he probably wouldn't care how bad it got if he did.

Which is why in the last four years, Killua and Gon had not once seen each other face to face.

Of course, they still kept in touch, frequently texted on their old chunky Beatle phones and even called each other when Gon's reception on Whale Island wasn't terrible.

They would talk, tell each other what they were up to and even reminisce about old times that weren't marked by tragedy.

Their friendship had been kept alive by nothing more than a couple of circuit boards and a speaker, but never did Killua allow it to go beyond that.

He didn't even know what Gon looked like these days, having made a point of never giving his friend a mailing address, and never upgrading to a phone with a camera. A part of Killua knew that if he were to lay eyes on his best friend again, even if it was just an image, his resolve would crack.

And above all else, they had not once met up. Surprisingly enough, Gon seemed to be okay with that, at least on the surface. Killua knew that catching up with years of missed school had kept his friend extra busy, but on the few occasions that Gon had hinted at, or even downright asked if they could meet up again, Killua had declined. His excuse was always something along the lines of being busy with Alluka or that they had to hide from his family for awhile and couldn't go anywhere.

Gon had taken all the excuses in stride, always with a reply of 'Okay Killua, no worries,' or 'Aww that's too bad, but maybe next time will work out,' and each time Killua's heart pulled painfully in his chest with desire.

Years without seeing each other had clearly tested his friend's patience, and here Killua was, hurting him.

It wasn't that he didn't want to see Gon again, of course he did, it's that he was afraid of how much he wanted it. Afraid of what would happen if he actually got it.

And of course, there was still the issue of Illumi and the threat he posed, Killua didn't want to drag his best friend into that. Although if he was more honest with himself, Killua would find that wasn't really true. At least not anymo-

"Brother?"

Killua's eyes snapped over to where he heard a familiar voice calling to him from the other end of the roof, quickly rescuing him out of the thoughts he'd been trapped in for who knew how long.

Yet despite his mood and the solemn circles his mind had been spinning him in, Killua couldn't help but smile when he saw Alluka approaching.

His sister was careful and silent as she walked across the roof tiles, the breeze blowing at her pink pajamas with white elephants printed all over. Killua had gotten them for her birthday. Or at least, the date she'd chosen to be her birthday. They knew that there was only about a year between them, but didn't actually know what specific day Alluka had been born on due to their family never celebrating it. As such, Alluka had chosen the anniversary of Killua rescuing her as her birthday, and they celebrated it every single time as such.

"Hey Alluka," Killua replied warmly. "What are you doing up here so late?"

She raised an eyebrow at him and took a seat by his side. "I should be asking you the same thing. I heard you go downstairs earlier but I thought you were just making a snack in the kitchen or something. Only you didn't come back up, so I came looking for you."

Killua cringed, internally berating himself for being so careless. "Sorry I woke you," he apologised, "I thought I was quiet about it."

"You were," Alluka said, waving a hand at her brother's concerns. "I was already awake anyway."

Killua frowned. "Wait, why? I thought you had that presentation for your class tomorrow?"

Alluka smiled at him tiredly. "That's the reason I'm up," she said through a yawn. "Can't sleep."

"Are you nervous about it?" Killua asked, wondering why she would be. From what he could see, Alluka had been practicing on her presentation for weeks. She'd practiced in front of him too, everything seemed perfectly planned out.

"I mean, kinda?" Alluka replied tentatively. "Not in a bad way though, I'm just really excited I think. Not worried or anything."

Killua let some tension release from his shoulders at that. "Well, good, because you shouldn't be," he said. "Everything you showed me was super awesome and if anyone says otherwise, they can answer to me."

He let a few sparks dance across his fingers for dramatic affect and Alluka laughed. "It'll be fine, brother, I don't think you'll have to zap anyone this time."

"Aww, that's a bummer," Killua said with a pout, "and I've been practicing a new move and everything too."

Alluka laughed again and Killua bumped their shoulders together affectionately, but it wasn't long before he saw his sister's expression turning downwards.

Alluka looked up at him. "What made you come up here, though?" She asked, her tone measured and careful. "It's been a long time since you used to do this."

Killua's chest ached at that, remembering similar times months ago when he'd been in a bad place mentally, up on the roof nearly every night after a series of horrible nightmares. Alluka had been with him every step of the way through that, not knowing how to help beyond just staying with him, but trying nonetheless. Killua was eternally thankful for that, but he didn't want to put his sister through those sleepless nights again, he already felt guilty for letting it happen the first time.

Still, he couldn't bring himself to lie to her.

"Just a little nightmare woke me up," Killua explained with a shrug, like it was no big deal. "I couldn't go back to sleep so I came up here. It's a nice night for it anyway."

Alluka's eyes were on his, her gaze piercing as she scrutinized every word like it was hiding something, some hidden truth. Yet after a minute she simply nodded, but said nothing else, instead just resting her head on her brother's shoulder and watching the Yorknew City skyline in the distance.

Killua had never told her what the dreams were about, what had happened that night at the palace or the aftermath. He never told anyone... but still, he knew Alluka understood the general sentiment. After all, it didn't take a professional psychologist to figure out that waking up to your brother screaming and sobbing in his sleep every night was pretty solid evidence of some trauma.

He hadn't wanted to burden her with all of that. Alluka had already been through enough, and it wasn't like her understanding would help much anyway. Her presence was already more than he could ask for, especially after what he'd done...

Killua sighed, not wanting to continue down that depressing train of thought and instead chose to bask in the calm of the night. Sitting atop a house like this, their house, something that Killua never in a million years thought the universe would allow him to have. Killua felt fully at home.

That was something his place up at Kukuroo Mountain had never felt like. Not really.

The house was a modest thing, two stories, three bedrooms and bathrooms in case they had a guest, and a nice simple kitchen and living room.

It had taken three years for Killua to finally cave and take Alluka to stake out somewhere permanent, somewhere where they could actually make the home they never had growing up.

Yorknew had been the obvious choice. The pair of Zoldyck siblings already spent much of their time there back when they'd been travelling, and they had plenty of friends that lived there as well.

Leorio and Kurapika had their own apartment, and Ikalgo, Meleoron, and even Palm had a place as well, the camaraderie between the former Chimera Ant soldiers carrying on strong.

And of course, the old hag would come by every so often to her own house (one of many apparently), and Killua had taken advantage of that once he and Alluka had moved in to have his old nen master take his sister under her tutelage.

Killua had already taught Alluka the basics of nen as well as the most important self-defence training he knew. His sister may not have wanted to be a fighter or Hunter like Killua was, and that was fine, a relief actually if Killua was honest, but the lives they led were still dangerous.

Even though neither of them had seen head or tails of Illumi, or any Zoldyck for that matter, since their last fight four years ago, Killua was still wary.

It may have been four years, but Illumi and their family were still out there. Time had not progressed nearly enough to ebb their desires to control him and Alluka. Maybe someday it would, but not yet. Killua knew his parents, and he knew his brother. They were far from done with him and Alluka yet, not matter how much of a sense of false security they'd allowed to build up.

And so, Killua made sure Alluka could protect herself, at least from the bare minimum of any local scum who'd want to harass or threaten her, but he found it difficult to be the hardass in her training that she needed him to be. Hence, the enlisting of one Biscuit Krueger, who was more than happy to have another student to pass on her 'infinite wisdom' to, and another Zoldyck at that.

It was perfect, and had been the final nail in the coffin that convinced Killua it was finally okay to set up camp, to stop endlessly running and hopefully give his sister some modicum of a normal life.

And now she had it. Alluka had a school she excelled at despite being massively set back by her upbringing, she had actual normal friends that she frequently hung out with, and she had a budding dream of being a professional clothing stylist once she graduated. It was everything Killua had hoped for and everything his sister deserved.

For his part, Killua had something resembling a fairly productive life, or at least he thought so. In order to pay for their house (and admittedly expensive wardrobe tastes) Killua would take a couple Hunter jobs a month that he thought would be interesting. Always one that paid really well and didn't involve killing if he could avoid it, and he had no shortage of requests due to his reputation as both a Zoldyck and one of the Hunters who took down the Chimera Ants.

When he wasn't making bank doing that, Killua trained in his nen, wanting to ensure that, when his family inevitably did confront him again, he would be as ready as possible. And he was getting better too, much better than his fourteen-year-old self could have dreamed of really. Beyond that though, he hung out with his own friends and simply enjoyed the quiet days when nothing was going on.

It was a nice life, would have been perfect too, all except for one thing.

It was missing a warm set of amber eyes and honey skin, missing the cheerful island boy with a fire of adventure that had forever brightened Killua's life.

It was missing Gon, and Killua didn't know what to do about that.

"Killua..."

At the sound of his name through a different, yet equally familiar voice, Killua looked over to see a pair of wide, black voids staring back into his own over a dark line of a mouth.

His other sister looked up at him with what almost resembled concern, and Killua wondered just how much he'd let his mood slip, or if she could just feel it in the air.

"What is it, Nanika?" He asked, turning to fully face her once he felt her tugging gently on his sleeve.

Nanika stared at him, eerily similar to how Alluka had just minutes earlier, but this time it's different. More curious than scrutinizing.

"Killua... happy...?"

The question took Killua by surprise, his eyes widened for a moment as he searched for an answer. Happy? She's asking if I'm happy? Killua wondered, slightly stunned. Nanika didn't come out often these days, apparently content to live within Alluka without fear of being hurt for doing so anymore. When she did come out though, it was never something like this.

"Killua... happy...?" she asked again, this time more insistent.

Killua didn't want to upset her, so he scrambled out a response.

"Y-yes, yes of course I'm happy, Nanika. I have you and Alluka with me. How could I ever be sad?"

Nanika continued to stare silently, and for a moment Killua wondered if he said the right thing.

However, after almost a minute of silence, Nanika smiled and turned away.

"'kay,"

Killua let a relived smile cross his face, happy that his sister seemed alright.

After all, it was true wasn't it? He was happy. He had his sisters here and he had a place to call home, that was more than he needed to be happy right?

It was definitely more than he deserved...

At least, that's how Killua felt. Even after all these years he couldn't help it. The guilt that had wracked him after he realized what he'd done, leaving Alluka alone in that horrible mansion for so long. Sure, he'd been just a kid at the time himself, barely able to escape from their family's clutches if not for the will of his stubborn best friend, but to Killua that was no excuse. Instead of saving himself, he should have marched back up and demanded his sisters be let free, that he wouldn't rest until they were treated like people too.

And yet... he hadn't.

Killua was still trying to atone for that sin, everyday of his life.

Being happy to spend his life by his sisters like this, safe and free, should have been more than enough.

"I love Killua."

Nanika spoke again, her voice sweet and pure as always, and Killua felt a pressure build deep in his chest.

"I- I love you too, Nanika. You and Alluka. More than anything in the whole world."

And just like that, seemingly content, Nanika fell asleep, Alluka's facial features returning to view on her slumbering face.

'She must've been extra tired', he thought.

Smiling to himself, Killua scooped his sister up in his arms and carried her to the edge of the roof, extra careful not to jostle her too hard as he hopped down to the lawn.

He tucked Alluka into bed with a goodnight kiss on the forehead before making his way back to his room, with a silent promise to make Alluka a big breakfast in the morning as thanks. He wasn't sure where he'd be mentally at that moment without her help, her and Nanika.

They always managed to find a way to make him feel better.

Content with his night, Killua flopped dramatically back onto his bed, not really tired anymore, but he still hoped to maybe get another hour or two of sleep in before daylight. He didn't really have much to do tomorrow after all.

Curious of what time it ended up being, Killua sat up on the edge of the bed and reached over to his bedside table and found the hefty frame of the old Beatle-07 right where he'd left it.

Blinking his eyes at the brightness on the screen, Killua saw that he'd gotten a single message on there, not surprisingly, it was from Go-

Gon Freecss: Killua, I'm coming to see you. I'll be in Yorknew tomorrow night! See you then! I'm super excited!

...

Killua dropped his phone and ran, leaving nothing but static and the smell of ozone in his wake...