*I know it's been a minute… but life has a way of taking over and making it difficult to commit to my writing both mentally and emotionally, not to mention finding the time. I hope you will all bare with me as I dip my toe back into the creative waters and reacquaint myself with something that I love to do. Chapters may come sporadically, but I'll do my best to keep things moving. I haven't disappeared, I just got a little lost along the way but with some patience and due-diligence on my part, I know I'll find my way back. This chapter may be shorter than my usual ones, but it's a start and I hope you all enjoy it.
Chapter 29
"Are you sure you're ready to go back to work, Maur?" Jane leaned against the kitchen bar, watching Maura with a measured eye for any sign of hesitation. She couldn't help but wonder if the two months of maternity leave was enough. They were fortunate enough to be in a position for Maura to take her time getting back to work, something she was grateful for.
"Yes, I'm sure." Maura took a sip from her coffee and peered at Jane over the rim of her cup. She could see the concern shining in the dark brown eyes that had a habit of seeing more than she was willing to admit. "And before you ask… again… no, I'm not rushing into anything." She tried to offer a small smile before taking another sip of coffee. Unfortunately, the liquid that had once been her life force only tasted bitter on her tongue. The grimace she couldn't suppress would surely be mistaken for deceit.
"I wouldn't be a good partner if I didn't ask." Jane sighed as she pushed her hair away from her face. In her haste to catch Maura before leaving for work, she had let her hair air dry, causing the unruly waves to have a mind of their own. "But…" she held up a hand to stop Maura from interrupting. "You were depressed after Mia was born… and well… I'm just worried you're pushing yourself too hard. Too much, too soon, ya know."
Maura was quiet as she pondered what Jane said, but there was an edge to the silence that had Jane fidgeting. She didn't like being scrutinized or second-guessed. It wasn't a secret that she was a perfectionist who rarely, if ever, asked for help and the past two months hadn't been any different.
"Okay, I'll admit I was a little down but not depressed. It was more like the blues than depression." Maura finally spoke, but there was uncertainty in her tone. She couldn't stop herself from dismissively waving her hand and the hurt look on Jane's face caused her to pause. It was obvious Jane hadn't meant any malice in questioning her mental and emotional state but it still knocked her off balance. Being questioned about her ability had never been something she accepted without a challenge. Today was no different.
"Look, you've…" Jane paused, correcting herself. "We've been through a lot over the years. No one would think less of you if you were a little depressed. God knows I didn't feel like myself after Li was born, but I had you and Ma to get me through. I just hope you know we're all here for you too."
"While I appreciate what you're saying, Jane…" Maura cleared her throat around the lump that had formed before continuing. "I do not have Postpartum depression. I don't feel depressed or anxious. What I do feel is slightly overwhelmed. That is natural, given the circumstances, don't you think?" She couldn't help but stare at Jane with a stern expression before setting her coffee cup down with a scowl.
Jane looked away from the penetrating gaze as guilt washed over her at the implications of Maura's words. "I know, and I'm sorry. Liam and I have talked it over… we've worked it out, you know that."
"What I know, Jane is that for the past two months… you know, the first two months of our daughter's life, you have been in and out of this house like it has a revolving door. And before you say anything, I know what we agreed to when you took the job with Liam."
"Maur…" Jane's shoulders sagged under the weight of what Maura was saying. It was true that she hadn't been around as much as she wanted to be, but things had been moving quickly with the PI business she and Liam were building together. But all the work was cutting into her family time, and she knew things needed to change. "Things are gonna change. I promise." She moved around the counter and slipped her arms around Maura. She felt comfort in being close to Maura and hoped Maura felt it too.
"They have to, Jane. Your daughter barely recognizes you. Hell, even I barely recognize you anymore." Maura sighed as she laid her head on Jane's shoulder. "You and Liam need to hire more people…" her voice trailed off as she sighed heavily. They had both learned that time was a precious thing not to be taken for granted, something they needed to be reminded of before it was too late.
"And we're gonna do just that..." Jane said as she pulled away from Maura to look down at her with a pout. "What do you mean you barely recognize me? I've been home four out of seven days a week…" And although that had been true, she knew what Maura meant. Her physical prescience was one thing, but her heart and mind had been missing in their daily routine. It wasn't because she didn't want to be there for Maura. But, it had become too difficult with all the work she and Liam were drumming up. Having to sit back and watch people cheat, steal, and deceive without thought to who they hurt in the process had taken a lot out of her. It had taken too much from her that it caused her to build a wall around herself so it wouldn't seep into her daily life with her family. Unfortunately, she hadn't expected it to alienate her from them as well. It was time to fix the mistakes she had made in her desire to protect everyone she loved.
"But you're always on your phone or the computer, not paying attention to what's going on around here. You didn't even notice the other night when I…" Maura's voice faded away as her frustration took over. The memory of trying to get Jane's attention caused her cheeks to burn with a mixture of anger, humiliation, and just a touch of the desire she had felt that night.
"Whoa… are you telling me that all that strutting around in front of me while I was on the phone with Frost the other night was your way of coming on to me?"
The surprised tone of Jane's question caused Maura to sigh heavily again. "I guess I'm out of practice." She frowned, looking up at Jane.
"Hey, I'm all in when it comes to… all of that…" Jane chuckled, waving a hand over Maura. "But you haven't exactly been in the mood, and rightfully so…" she quickly added so as not to hurt Maura's feelings. They hadn't been intimate since before the baby was born. They cuddled and kissed on occasion, but it wasn't the same.
"Well, I guess we've both been lacking in the communication area of our relationship." Maura let out another heavy sigh. "I just really need some adult interaction… adult conversation. You're much better at the kid stuff, Jane. You're just a big kid at heart."
"And so are you… you're good at that stuff, too. You're a pediatrician..." Jane tried to reassure her.
"Really? I guess I didn't have much of a childhood because I have no reference for games like Candy Land, Old Maid, or that one with the ladders. You're better with the kids and they miss having you around." Maura tried to push away the sadness that was coming on. While Valley was getting to an age where they could have a conversation, Li was too young to reason with, and well, the baby… was a baby. Trying to accommodate all three at once was sometimes too much for Maura, but she was always amazed at how easy it was for Jane. Maybe what appeared to others as depression was actually resentment. It was a thought she tried to push away.
"Come on, you're great with the kids." Jane insisted.
"Jane, I know when I've been beaten. And I know when I need to go back to work. And although I am around kids all day, it's just somehow different… less taxing..." Maura's voice trailed off as she pulled away from Jane's arms. "And I'm okay…" she said before scoffing at Jane's raised eyebrow. "I'm okay, I promise. And now that you're home more, I'll be even better."
Jane nodded in understanding before pulling Maura back into her arms. "So, you've been feeling a little… how do I say this delicately…" Jane tapped her forehead as she tried to think of the right word.
"I've been feeling amorous, and not a little… a lot." Maura laughed as she buried her face against Jane's chest. She had never shied away from what she wanted, especially in the bedroom, but after having Mia things had changed. Her libido had all but disappeared as her body healed, and they struggled to find a routine that worked for everyone. And with Jane's distance, her mental state wasn't the same either.
"Why didn't you just say so? I would've dropped that phone call in an instant." Jane snapped her fingers to illustrate how quickly she would have hung up.
"I shouldn't have to say anything. I guess that's another problem. We used to be able to know without having to say so. It's just been so hectic with everything." Maura shook her head. "I want to get back to the way we used to be… before…" she waved her hands around the room. "Before all of this took over. And before you jump to conclusions, I love our life and our kids… and our whole family, but I miss us."
"I know and I miss us too." Jane kissed Maura on the forehead. While it had been true that the fire between them had died down, she thought it was the price they had to pay for having a family and careers. But as she looked into Maura's eyes, she realized that wasn't the case. The fire hadn't died. It just needed to be tended to. "What say we get reacquainted again." She said as an idea came to her. I'll see if Ma can take the kids for the weekend. Maybe we can go away for a few days…"
"I'd like that… a lot." Maura smiled up at Jane, who smiled back, showing off those dimples that had mesmerized her all those years ago. "I love you, my sweet Jane…" she kissed her index finger and reached up to place it in the cleft of Jane's chin. It was reminiscent of what she had done when they first started dating, and she couldn't help but long for what seemed like carefree times.
"You haven't called me that in forever." Jane grinned as she grabbed Maura's finger and kissed the tip of it like she used to do when they were younger. "I guess we have let ourselves drop to the bottom of the list of important things. But we'll make up for it, I promise." She said as she twirled Maura around and then gave her a gentle swat to the bottom. "Now, as much as I wish you would stay home, I know you need to go to work. I'll have dinner ready and waiting, and if we're lucky we'll get a few quiet hours of alone time."
"All of a sudden you're ready for me to leave?" Maura poked out her bottom lip in a pout. She laughed when Jane rolled her eyes impatiently. "Alright, I'll see you later, and I hope luck is on our side because I would love nothing more than a few hours alone with you."
Jane watched Maura sashay from the room with a little extra flair, causing her to fan herself exaggeratedly. It had been way too long since she had seen that playful side of Maura, and she hoped she'd be seeing it more often. But then again, she understood Maura's frustration and had no one to blame but herself. They had drifted apart, but it was time they came back together to become the team they once were. Work, kids, and family had taken precedence over everything else. Gods willing, that would soon come to an end.
