Chapter 7

Later Seth would reflect that those two weeks had a lazy, sultry quality, trailing along languidly as one might extend a finger into the water as it flowed imperceptibly along the current. Here, he was living a long-cherished dream of having Jess all to himself for an extended period of time. She was touching him, caressing him, occasionally kissing him on the cheek. But Seth knew he didn't actually have her to couldn't help but feel that the dark undertow of their experience with David Tolliver tugged at them ceaselessly. The specter of David hung over and around them, as oppressive as a storm cloud.

And yet he could still appreciate the simple fact that he was here with her, even if he deplored the circumstances that surrounded them. He smiled as she came around the corner. He'd been so relieved that she'd agreed to talk to Jim, and it did seem to be helping.

"Happy, darling?"

That was another new thing he was afraid to allow himself to get used to. "A-yuh. Beautiful morning." He turned to look at her. "Beautiful company." She smiled, but he could tell she was preoccupied. He tried to smooth the frown from his face. "Something on your mind?"

This time her smile was genuine. "You know me well." She grasped his forearm. "Seth, I need to speak with Susan. I know they're all going crazy with worry. It's…it's almost selfish of me to hide out like this."

Seth was becoming much better at pausing before he spoke. He wanted to be supportive; he wanted to be patient and loving. It wasn't easy, but when he managed it, he was rewarded with a bright smile and the feel of her hand in his or even an embrace. "I expect you're right, Jessica. We haven't even looked at a newspaper or cut on the television since we've been here." Jessica smiled and squeezed his hand. "Think I'll walk down to the lake while you make your phone calls."

Jessica smiled fondly at him as he put his fishing cap on and walked out the front door. He was good about that…giving her privacy when she made her telephone calls to Jim, really anytime. He seemed to understand that she needed a bit of space from time to time. He was trying so hard; her heart clenched with affection. She turned and began rummaging through several drawers until she found writing materials. She took a pen and a notepad and sat down to talk with Susan.


She found Seth at the water's edge. She came to stand beside him and he snaked an arm around her waist. They were quiet for a long moment, just listening to the water lap against the shoreline. "Susan's put out with me," began Jessica. She felt Seth tighten beside her, but he said nothing, so she continued. "Demand for the book has exploded, as have demands for interviews and appearances. David…" She faltered, and Seth tightened his hold on her. In spite of the circumstances, it was terribly reassuring to have him next to her. How was she ever to manage without him after this? She pushed that unwelcome thought away. "Naturally David has been giving interviews to any outlet that will have him."

Seth sighed. "What does Susan recommend?"

"She says we…I…should grant one interview. She wants me to fly to New York and sit down with Barbara Walters."

"Barbara Walters?!"

"I'm not so sure, Seth. You'll think this silly, but…" She drew a deep breath. "Ron didn't pack any of the right clothes for me. He only sent part of my makeup…I don't want to complain, but I can't be interviewed by Barbara Walters in any of the things that Ron packed! Besides…she makes people cry! I don't want to cry on national television."

Seth pulled her into an embrace and patted her back for a few moments. He had noticed that her clothing choices were a bit…different… but now was not the time. "What do you want to do?" he asked softly.

"I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm not…I'm not ready to talk about David, and when they find out about us…" She drew back suddenly. "Oh, Seth! Have you spoken with Margie? She must be out of her mind with worry!"

Seth took hold of her hands. "It's alright, Jess," he soothed. "I called Margie right after we got to my place. I explained the situation to her and that I wouldn't be available for a few weeks at least. She understands."

"How can she? I don't understand!" She drew her hands out of his and hugged herself. "I don't understand any of this. How could I have misunderstood David so completely? How could I have let this happen? Seth, he almost killed you!"

The anguish in Jessica's voice tore at his heart. "He didn't, Jess. He didn't hurt me. We're here, and we're safe, a-yuh?"

"But for how long, Seth? How long before someone finds out where we are? How long before David is released and comes looking for us? I can't hide for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I don't want to." She felt hot tears course down her cheeks.

Seth folded her into his arms. "Oh, sweetheart," he crooned and rubbed her back. "I can only make you one promise, Jessica. I'll be the best friend you've ever had for as long as I draw breath on this earth."

She let out a shuddering breath. It wasn't lost on her that Seth didn't make the kind of thoughtless promises most people did. She pulled away from him just enough to see his face. "I love you, Seth. Whether we end up as friends, lovers, or both I hope, know that I'll love you for the rest of my life." She kissed him gently, careful not to press too far. "Let's go inside."

"A-yuh. You have some thinking to do."

"We have some thinking to do, Seth. I'm not going anywhere without you." She cut her eyes at him. "Not yet, anyway. Don't think I don't know what you're thinking."

"If you know what I'm thinking already, woman, then why do we need to do any thinking at all?"

Jessica nudged him playfully in the ribs. "I suppose I don't know everything you're thinking. Just most things." Seth guffawed, and Jessica smiled and slipped her arm through his.

"I love you, too, Jessica," said Seth softly. "And I'll love you for the rest of my life." He patted her hand as they walked up the path to the cabin.


"So Susan wants me to participate in this circus."

"And how do you feel about that, Jessica?"

"I've never liked that aspect of being a published author. I've inured myself to it, but really I'm a very private person." She was quiet for a long moment. "And I can't imagine sharing any of this with strangers."

Jim chuckled. "I'm a stranger."

"And I haven't shared anything with you yet." They both laughed companionably. "But you're not really a stranger."

"Oh?"

"No. You know Seth."

"I do. Does that carry weight with you?"

"I think I know how you want me to answer that."

"Do you? What answer do I want to hear?"

"You'll say the truth, but I think you're hoping that I'll say yes, that knowing Seth does carry weight with me." Jessica exhaled in frustration. "And obviously it does. He's become very important to me."

"Mmm."

"You think he's become too important?"

"What do you think, Jessica? That's really what we're trying to determine in these phone conversations. We're trying to discover what you think about any given topic."

"About David?"

"Eventually."

"You make that sound like a long way away."

"Not necessarily. I just don't expect to hear about David anytime soon, that's all. You mention him seldom."

"I don't like to dwell on things."

"What do you mean?"

"On things I can't change."

"And what do you feel you can't change?"

"Many things, Jim. I can't change what happened with David or how I reacted. I can't change whatever I did to interest him in me, as difficult as that is to admit. I don't think I did anything, but I must have done something."

"Why? Why do you hold yourself responsible for David's delusions?"

Jessica thought for a moment. "I'm not sure. I suppose I hold myself to a higher standard. That's what Seth tells me."

"And how much credence do you give to what Seth tells you?"

"I…I suppose I hadn't thought…." Jim let the silence hang between them. "I suppose I never thought about it."

"And now that you have thought of it?"

"I suppose it frightens me and it comforts me."

"Why does it frighten you?"

"Because I've worked so hard to build a life for myself after my husband died. I don't mean writing books. I mean living alone, making those day-to-day decisions alone, being responsible only for myself, my interests, my wants. I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up."

"And you think that admitting to yourself that Seth's opinions are meaningful to you means you'll have to give up your hardwon independence and freedom?"

Jessica laughed. "When you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous." She was quiet for a moment. "It means I have to admit that he is meaningful to me."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Exhilarated, afraid, worried."

"Worried?"

"I almost lost him. David was going to…to…" Jessica sighed. "I'm not sure what he was going to do. I don't like to think about what might have happened, but I can't help it. Even when I put it out of my mind, it's in my dreams."

"What's in your dreams?"

"Seth being hurt or worse," she murmured.

"What about you?"

"I'm forced to watch him be hurt or killed. I'm powerless to do anything about it. I have to watch because David knew—" Jessica stopped abruptly. Jim let the silence spool out between them. "You know what I'm going to say."

"I actually don't, Jessica. I told you when we first began speaking that my role was as listener. I don't advise and I don't predict. I listen and I ask questions, which hopefully guide you to a greater understanding of yourself and how to move beyond what has happened to you."

"And to Seth!"

"But mostly to you, Jessica. I also won't allow you to deflect."

"David guessed early on that I was in love with Seth, and he accused me of lying to myself about it. He walked in on us during a…private moment. Nothing unseemly," she offered hastily. "Simply private. And that's when I saw the danger I had put Seth in."

"Jessica, David put you both in danger. You were the target of something sinister, perhaps even depraved. You cannot hold yourself responsible for that. You were the target, Jessica, not the instigator."

"But I do hold myself responsible."

"Does Seth?"

"No! Of course not."

"Then why do you?"

"I don't have to follow everything he does! I'm my own person."

"Indeed you are. So why are you worried that you'll lose that person?"

That stopped Jessica short. "I…I don't know. I want to be with him." She sighed. "It's excruciating to admit this to you."

"Why?"

"Because you're his friend, Jim. You're his friend, and I sound like a teenager mooning over whether Seth will ask me to the junior prom! I'm embarrassed."

"Jessica, I'm not your judge and jury," he offered gently. "I'm merely a sounding board, if you will. An objective person to assist you as you sift through your thoughts and feelings."

"You can't be objective! You know Seth. He's your friend!"

"Yes, he is. But you are my priority. Helping you gain perspective about what you've experienced is my priority."

"Then you should know that Seth has resisted my efforts to bring us closer, to become a…couple, I suppose."

Jim could hear Seth now…a couple of what? He buried that unprofessional thought. He was committed to helping Jessica. "Does that frustrate you?"

Beyond belief, thought Jessica. "It does," she replied as evenly as possible. "He thinks I don't know my own mind. He thinks my feelings for him aren't genuine, that they arose because of this situation with David."

"Is that true?"

"This situation only served to confirm what I'd already come to suspect. Seth refuses to believe me, and worse, he thinks I'm becoming too dependent on him."

"Has he said that?"

"No, not in so many words. I know he's thinking it. I know him, Jim. I know him."

"Would you say he knows you?"

"I would have, but he's doubting me now."

"And you don't like that?"

"I want him to trust me! I want to trust myself!" The line went quiet; Jim could hardly hear Jessica breathing. "I believe that's what's termed a breakthrough?"

Jim laughed. "Hardly, Jessica. But it is a good insight into what's troubling you. And a good line of inquiry for you to follow. What will it take for you to trust yourself?" Jim laughed again. "Don't worry. That's a rhetorical question."

"That's a relief, Jim. I don't think I can handle any more lines of inquiry today. But I do thank you."

"You're quite welcome. Call me in the next few days, Jessica. I think we have a few more productive conversations ahead."

"I agree. We'll talk soon. Goodbye." Jessica was thoughtful as she hung up the phone. She'd surprised herself today.


Jessica was waiting for Seth to come to bed. Another surprising aspect of this whole episode was how quickly she'd come to enjoy this part of their day. Strange, since she spent almost every waking moment with him, that she would enjoy the final few moments of their day together as they settled in to sleep. He was much more open, more willing to answer any questions she posed. She was in a fair way of being spoilt by him, and she knew she'd have to rein herself in soon…but not just yet. She smiled at him as he entered the room.

"What's that look for?"

"I'm just happy to see you."

Seth took off his robe and settled in under the blankets. "You've seen me every day for nearly two weeks, Jess. Aren't you tired of this old mug yet?"

"Never," she said as she snaked her arm across his chest and settled her head on his shoulder. She sighed contentedly. "Seth?"

"Mmm."

"Why do you never ask about my phone calls with Jim?"

"None of my business."

"Don't you want to know how they're going?"

"No."

"No? Why not?"

"Because those conversations are meant to be private. They're for you, Jess. Just for you."

"Mmm." She picked at the collar of his pajama top. "What do you do for yourself, Seth? What do you do just for you that helps?"

"Being of use to you helps me."

Jessica raised up on her elbow. "So you can devote yourself to me, full-time, ignoring your patients, your daughter, and that's ok. But my saying I need you, I want you in my life…that's not good for me?" She looked at him shrewdly. "Or is it that it might not be good for you…if I change my mind someday?"

Seth raised up so he could lean against the headboard. "I won't apologize for not wanting my heart broken, woman! We've already gone so far together that if you retreat into friendship alone I'll feel…I'll feel…" He scrubbed his face. "This is so selfish of me." He turned to face Jessica. "But it's a little selfish of you, too, Jess."

"Me? Selfish? I'm trying to give you what you want, and you won't accept it!"

Seth pointed at her. "There. Right there!"

"What?"

"Did you even hear yourself?" Jessica was about to respond, but he held up a hand to stall her. "You just said you're trying to give me what I want. Two problems with that line of thinking, Jess, as I see it. First, what do you want? Second, how can you be sure you know what I want?"

Jessica's mouth was open, ready to argue with him, but his second question had taken the wind out of her sails. "Are you telling me you don't want me?"

Seth barked. "Do you know how hard it is to lie next to you every night? To hold you in my arms and not respond? Do you think I have no feelings? Of course I want you, Jessica! I want you…all of you." He exhaled in frustration. "That's all I've wanted, for so long. For so long I've watched and waited, tried to be a good friend to you, tried to keep my feelings, my love for you, hidden. Now, suddenly, I'm getting everything I ever wanted, and it's because some madman came into your life and tried to…to…" He trailed off and made to get out of bed, but Jessica put a hand on his arm.

"Seth, wait." He sat on the edge of the bed, his back rigid. She sat up and put both hands on his shoulders. "I'm sorry."

He turned abruptly. "Christ, Jessica. I'm supposed to be taking care of you, and you're apologizing to me."

She caressed Seth's face with her hands, trying to smooth out the stricken look on his face. "I am sorry. I'm so sorry that it's taken this to make me realize what you mean to me." She kissed his cheek, then looked him squarely in the eye. "I love you, Seth Hazlitt. I love you, and I'm willing to watch and wait, to try to be as good a friend to you as you've been to me."

Seth stared at her for a long moment, then kissed her deeply. "Jessica," he said as he pulled away from her. "I can't … I'm not going to be able to stop if we…" He took a deep breath. "If you need some space, tell me now."

Jessica cupped his face in her hands. "I don't need space, Seth. I need you. I love you, and I want you. All of you," she said pointedly.

Seth gathered her in his arms as he turned more fully toward her. He dropped kisses on her face and neck as they shifted awkwardly onto the bed.

Jessica broke their kiss with a sigh and traced the outline of Seth's face with gentle fingers. "I'm no young filly," she said teasingly.

Seth stroked her cheek tenderly. "No, you're a thoroughbred." He kissed her softly, and Jessica moved to deepen the kiss. "I love you, Jessica," he murmured.

She smiled and stroked his face and shoulders. "And I love you."


They were lying in each other's arms and Seth was stroking Jessica's hair when she suddenly laughed aloud.

"That's not precisely the reaction a man is looking for," said Seth, cautiously playful.

Jessica laughed even harder. "Oh my darling," she said as she wrapped herself impossibly closer to him. "That's happy laughter. Delighted laughter." She drew back so he could see her face. "Satisfied laughter," she said in a throaty voice as she winked at him. Even as he kissed her, he felt a smile broaden across her face.

He broke their kiss and drew back a little. "Happy, my dear?"

"I am. Although…"

"What?" asked Seth, alarmed.

"This might cut into our reading time."

She squealed with laughter as Seth tickled her and peppered her face with kisses.


Seth woke abruptly, shocked to hear birds outside their window. He was curious as to the time, but not so curious that he would disturb Jessica. This appeared to be the first night in a long while without a nightmare. As apprehensive as he was about the future, he couldn't help but smile as he remembered last night.

Seth had been surprised by Jessica's warmth and eagerness. She was an enthusiastic lover, playful and relaxed. Her confidence in turn allowed him to relax…some. It had been many years since he'd been intimate with a woman, and many years before that since he'd been in love with a woman. Above all he wanted to please Jessica; even though he knew it was masculine weakness to focus on performance, he was desperate for her to enjoy making love with him.

There was some awkward shifting about at first. Neither was particularly elegant when removing their pajamas, but he felt exhilarated as he remembered their bodies pressed together for the first time. He was self-conscious; he wasn't the trim young man he'd been when he married, and Jessica was lovely…like a Renaissance portrait with her creamy skin dusted with faint freckles. He'd thought perhaps she might need reassurance that he found her physically attractive, but she was delightfully confident in her appearance. He only wished he'd felt the same, but somehow she seemed to know. Her hands caressed his most vulnerable places, telling him without words that she desired him.

She was also unexpectedly uninhibited. Seth assumed she would feel a few pangs of nerves, but she was supremely relaxed. She held his eyes as she unbuttoned her pajama top, and Seth felt that familiar mix of elation, arousal, and anxiety. Seth, she'd whispered. Relax. This is a sure thing. He barked a laugh and they tumbled together, scrambling to remove the clothing that remained.

Looking at her in the growing light, the faint dusting of freckles barely visible across the slope of her shoulders, he could almost believe that everything that had happened with David couldn't touch them. Almost.

TBC