Chapter Twenty Three
Knocking off and spending her evening with Alexis was the pinnacle of Gabby's work nights. Usually. After the brief phone call where Alexis had informed her so lightly, as if it were no big deal, that she had in fact run into her one time fling Annie at the bar and invited her over for dinner, it didn't feel like the pinnacle of this day. It felt like yet another emotional minefield she would have to navigate.
As if it wasn't bad enough she had to hit yet another wall trying to figure out who killed Dyson. She'd then been confronted with some sobering news from Maura, which only turned out to be subterfuge. Though if she were honest, Gabby wasn't so sure how long the subterfuge would be simply that. The kiss she'd witnessed between Jane and Melissa had been pretty full on for make believe.
She'd spent the afternoon receiving funny looks from Alec because she was so distracted. She couldn't stop herself from worrying about Melissa and if she were completely honest, not that she would ever admit it outloud, Jane. The thought that the sicko from Chicago was back in town playing ridiculous fucking mind games was pretty damn intense. Of course she couldn't explain any of this to Alec because she had promised not to breathe a word to anyone. Fuck knows what he thought of her inattentiveness, but she doubted it was good.
Gabby unclipped her seatbelt and glanced up at the house. She felt a deep reluctance regarding this entire evening, but Alexis had assured her that she had nothing to worry about. She had promised she was trying to do a nice thing for someone who was flying home tomorrow, nothing more. Gabby had played nice and agreed to show up, despite sarcastically thinking there couldn't be a more perfect topper for her day than to sit down and have dinner with a woman who knew her girlfriend intimately.
Gabby chuckled to herself. It was amazing the difference a few weeks could make. She'd never had this thought when going out to dinner with Maura and Jane, perhaps that's because she and Jane had an unspoken understanding to act like neither of them had known each other's partners intimately. Although to be fair, apart from that few week period, they barely made eye contact with one another when Maura forced them to be in the same room together. Well that wasn't likely to happen again any time soon.
Gabby stepped out of her Triton, grabbed her backpack and closed the door. She used the key fob to lock the vehicle when she was halfway up the pathway to the house. She let herself in with the key Alexis had given her and quietly closed the front door behind her. She could hear Alexis' laughter float down the stairs. Clearly their house guest was entertaining. Gabby just knew she wasn't going to like her.
The emotional impact of the day weighed Gabby down as she trudged up the stairs. She tried to find some energy to play nice, but she didn't like her chances. She would make every effort though, because for whatever reason this dinner mattered to Alexis and if she expected any understanding at all later when she told her about her meeting with Melissa, she'd want to be on her best behaviour. If she was a jerk she had no doubt any mention of Melissa would be blown out of proportion entirely. She needed to ensure Alexis was in a good mood.
Alexis must have heard her tired ascent of the stairs because she was there to greet her with a brief hug and a peck on the lips when she reached the top. Gabby smiled, she couldn't help it. "Hey babe," she motioned towards the bedroom down the hall, "Let me get changed and then I'll be with you."
Alexis rubbed her shoulders while she made a quick mental assessment. She must have understood how mentally drained Gabby felt. "Of course my love, join us when you're ready."
Gabby's eyes went straight down the hall, she didn't see their guest. She would be introduced soon enough. She just wanted five minutes to decompress before plastering on the we're-lesbians-so-this-is-totally-normal face for her girlfriend's one time fling. So much drama. So many situations straight people just didn't put themselves in. For a moment in time she wondered what it would be like to be interested in men. There'd be a lot less exes floating around the place, that's for sure. Gah, who the Hell was she kidding with her frustration? She expected Alexis to accept and deal with her maintaining friendships with two exes. She could do one stupid dinner with a one time fling.
Gabby changed into the more comfortable clothes she had brought with her in her backpack and hung her suit up on the ensuite door. It was one of two celebratory outfits Maura had insisted on buying her when she passed the detective's exam. Her protests went unheard. That was one of those rare moments she pitied Jane, who no doubt had it a lot worse. Damn. So much has changed in the last month. She hoped Maura was coping okay with the feelings resulting from Jane and Melissa's subterfuge. Gabby supposed it was at least fortunate timing that Maura had broken up with Jane before all this happened. She shuddered to think what would have happened if one day things were great and the next Jane was simply gone.
Gabby slipped into the ensuite and ran the cold water tap. She cupped some of the water in her hands and rubbed it on her face and through her hair. She ran her hands through her crewcut a couple of more times before simply staring in the mirror. She really did look like shit. No wonder Alexis had been so supportive of her disappearing to change. Her girlfriend's laughter could be heard again and the mere fact she wasn't the one causing it irked her greatly. She couldn't help but wonder if she had the temperament to be a good girlfriend. She was a jealous woman and quick to anger. What woman could tolerate that long term? Thankfully Alexis brought the best out of her and so she took in several deep breaths and put on her game face. She'd bought herself what little time she could. It was time to play the game.
Gabby stepped out into the hall and walked back into the open plan kitchen and dining area. Her eyes naturally gravitated towards Alexis who was popping the tops off of a couple of beers. She swooped in and grabbed one from her girlfriend's hand. She pressed a quick kiss to Alexis' cheek.
"Care to introduce me to your old friend?" Gabby asked with the perfect level of false enthusiasm.
Alexis' hand fell to the small of Gabby's back as she guided her around the island to make formal introductions. "Gabby this is Annie, Annie this is Gabby. Her bark is worse than her bite."
Gabby's eyes which had naturally gravitated towards Alexis the entire time finally followed her girlfriend's sweeping hand. She took a sip of her beer as her eyes landed on Kelly's clearly distressed face. Her beer went everywhere as she broke into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. She glanced from Kelly back to Alexis and slapped her leg multiple times in an attempt to bring her laughter under control.
"This… her…" She couldn't form a coherent sentence through the laughter. Suffice to say every single concern her irrational brain had come up with on the drive home flew out the window. She had absolutely zip to worry about. Once Alexis realised that 'Annie's' wife was Melissa it was going to get incredibly entertaining.
Alexis for her part looked absolutely confused at first before her lips tightened and she frowned. She wasn't impressed.
Gabby couldn't help her laughter though. It was just too perfect. She finally calmed down enough to look at Kelly and practically beg, "Please, please let me tell her. You owe me this."
"Tell me what?" Alexis' head turned on a swivel looking at Gabby beside her and then to Kelly opposite her. "Would someone please tell me what's going on?"
"I am terribly sorry for the intrusion, this was clearly a mistake." Kelly said politely, looking around for her belongings.
"Oh no, no, no. Don't feel you have to leave on my account. Please, stay. Alex went to all this trouble to prepare you dinner…" Gabby's voice trailed out for a moment while she contemplated whether she should drop the bomb of 'Annie's' true identity or just play along.
"Gabby's absolutely right. I'm still not sure what I'm missing here. I'm gathering that you two know each other? Regardless, stay, eat. Like I said, she doesn't bite."
"Unless you ask me nicely, honey." Gabby smirked. It was just too damn easy. She could tell from the way Kelly was squirming uncomfortably on the stool that she desperately wanted to escape and who could really blame her? She'd come to dinner expecting a nice quiet night to get her mind off of her heartache, and instead she'd walked right into what had to be an absolute nightmare scenario.
"Annie is a derivative of my middle name, Lexi. My Christian name is Kelly."
Gabby's eyebrows shot up. She didn't expect that flat out honesty. She just figured Kelly would run with her tail between her legs, never to look back. She turned to look at Alexis to see if her brain twigged and remembered her previous mentions of Melissa's wife's name.
Oh, yup, that little quirk of her lips, oh yes. By George, she's got it.
"You're married to Missy?" Alexis asked, looking absolutely flabbergasted and a little disconcerted.
Kelly nodded once. Quietly admitting, "Yes."
"I bet you didn't have that on your bingo card for the week, babe." Gabby's grin was ridiculous and she knew she was headed for trouble, but she really didn't care. This was the universe giving her a gift. A beautiful, beautiful gift.
Alexis glared at her girlfriend, then shrugged her shoulders and said, "Well I guess I should be thanking you."
"Wait, what?" Gabby had been sipping on her beer and smirking at Kelly, only to snap her head sideways upon hearing Alexis' comment. "Really, that's your take away from this?"
"I told Ann… Kelly that I thought you might have some sage advice for her. I didn't realise how accurate that statement would turn out to be." Alexis was smirking now and Gabby simply shook her head. Turnabout is absolutely fair play, but this? This was torture and she knew on some level she deserved it.
"I'm not sure Kelly's interested in anything I have to say." Gabby said before chugging down her beer and retreating to the fridge for another.
Alexis plucked the empty from her grasp and set it aside to be washed for recycling. She nudged Gabby with her elbow and harshly whispered, "Be nice. You of all people should understand what it's like to have your heart broken by that har… woman."
Gabby's head snapped sideways again, she was going to get whiplash if this kept up. Alexis had edited herself in time, but Gabby knew exactly what she intended to say and she wasn't impressed. She didn't appreciate anybody speaking about Melissa like that. Her girlfriend was clearly getting too comfortable with their relationship. However she chose to focus on the more pertinent issue at hand and surreptitiously pointed in Kelly's direction. "Are you seriously asking me to make nice with that woman?"
"Yes, I am." Alexis was dead serious and Gabby's night which had been looking so bright and beautiful was now looking dull and dreary.
"Alright," Gabby said a little louder so that Kelly could hear her. "Care to join me at the dining table, Kel? We can get to know one another, perhaps discuss common ground."
"Play nice," Alexis warned.
Gabby resisted the temptation to roll her eyes at the fact her girlfriend was well and truly aware that that was her attempt at having one final dig before enduring an evening entertaining her ex-girlfriend's wife. "Alright, alright. Kel, I apologise. Today has not been kind. I realise today's probably been ten times crazier for you and for that, believe it or not, I'm genuinely sorry."
Kelly stared at her for the longest time before glancing over at Alexis who was pottering around the kitchen sorting out the last of the meal preparations. It was quite clear to Gabby that she was trying to figure out if she should be subjecting herself to this torture and for that Gabby did feel bad. Her natural state of being was to be antagonistic to anybody who had wronged her, and well Kelly had most certainly wronged her in a very obvious way. However, at the end of the day she was Melissa's wife and until Melissa told her that she didn't want to salvage that relationship once all the crazy was done with, she'd play nice. Melissa had earned that respect from her actions that afternoon. In fact Melissa had earned more than that. She'd earned her help.
"You know what? I know this is the last place you want to be. Give me five minutes to talk with you alone and if you still want to leave I'm sure Alex will happily pack you up some food so tonight's not a complete waste of your time." Gabby looked at her girlfriend compassionately so that Alexis understood she was trying to do a good thing. She then turned her focus onto Kelly hoping that she maintained the compassion she intended. It wasn't easy given the still very raw wounds left behind by Kelly's impact on her life. Apparently she succeeded because she saw the tension melt from Kelly's face as she nodded slowly in agreement.
"You should see the balcony, beautiful view of the city." Gabby led Kelly to the balcony and motioned for her to take a seat in one of the wicker chairs. She then sat down next to the woman and looked out over the city. It would have been a nicer view if the sky was dark and the city was lit up like a Christmas tree, alas they had to settle for appreciating the specks of nature interspersed between the houses rolling down the hill into the valley below.
"We don't have to talk, you know. We can just wait out the five minutes and then I can excuse myself." Kelly's voice was low, a little strained, definitely tense.
That was absolutely something they could do and in days gone by would have been exactly what Gabby chose to do, but she had been doing some growing up in the past month. Well actually it felt like the past few days, but that was neither here nor there for her as she cast another glance sideways at Kelly.
Gabby wanted nothing more than for Melissa to be happy, and given her ex's apparent inability at understanding her feelings and the very real roadblock Maura Isles would always end up presenting when it came to chasing Jane's affections, Kelly was that path to happiness. The easiest way to keep Kelly from pretty much immediately filing for divorce, which she knew if she had been in Kelly's shoes would have been her first plan of action, was to tell the truth as it had been told to her. However the fact that Melissa and Jane hadn't done that meant there were very real concerns, probably with Kelly not being inclined to do what was necessary. That ruled out the truth, at least the truth of the subterfuge. It didn't mean she couldn't sift through the wreckage of reality as it was presented, to try and give Kelly a spark of hope.
"She's not going to stay with Jane."
"You didn't see the way they were looking at one another." Kelly replied, which was good news. It meant she was at least open to a genuine conversation.
Gabby could only imagine. Jane and Melissa had to be the dopiest people she had ever met as far as recognising their own feelings went. There had sure been a lot of passion in their kiss that was just for show earlier that afternoon. So she didn't for a second doubt that Kelly had every reason to feel as despondent as she looked. "Jane's in a tailspin because Maura left her and you know as well as I do that she is built to protect. She needs to protect someone and with the shadow of Hoyt's apprentice looming over them, well come on she can't help herself. She doesn't think anybody can keep Missy as safe as she can and whether you, me or Maura like it or not, Missy will always matter to Jane. Saving her is all she has right now."
"And she couldn't do that without sleeping with my wife?" Kelly retorted snidely. At least it meant she was paying attention.
Gabby was quiet for a minute, just thinking. She thought about the tailspin Melissa was in a few weeks after going to Chicago. She knew because she had the text messages and voicemails to prove it. She knew Melissa wanted to come home and give up her dreams, it was why she didn't respond. She wasn't giving her an excuse not to chase her dreams any longer. It had taken her a long time to accept that Melissa's dreams mattered as much as her own did. She didn't go about it the right way at all. Ghosting Melissa may well have been a mistake, but it was a mistake that Kelly had capitalised on and in some ways that felt quite pertinent in this moment. "You're telling me you didn't get caught up in Missy's downward spiral when she was first in Chicago? You're telling me that played absolutely zero in you two coming together?"
"She kissed me first," Kelly replied defensively.
Gabby cast a long sideways glance at Kelly and simply shook her head. "So she was distressed and she kissed you? After that you calmed her down and told her to consider her actions. You didn't get caught up and fall into bed with her?"
Kelly's silence spoke volumes. It was precisely what Gabby thought. It was disturbing though because it painted a picture that only pained her chest. Melissa had been using sex to cope a hell of a lot longer than even she knew. "That's what I thought. You've known all along that she's been using sex to escape her heartache. So now, you're going to judge her for sleeping with Jane? I think it's safe to say we're all in a bit of shock at the moment, given the information about the Hoyt apprentice."
"You didn't see what I saw, Gabby. Jane's feelings might be fluid, might just be her saviour complex. I'll grant you that, but Missy? Gabby, I don't think she's ever gotten over Jane. You really don't understand." Kelly turned in her seat and stared Gabby down. "I proposed to her Saturday night. To make this marriage real. She said yes. She said yes Gabby and the very next night she's fucking Jane. So no, don't sit here trying to defend her. Don't sit here trying to tell me I know her nature and I should forgive her for this, that it's just a monumental mistake. It's not a mistake. She's in love with Jane."
Gabby turned back to the skyline, her jaw clenching while her mind raced a mile a minute. This new information really confused the situation. She understood that Kelly meant the world to Melissa, but she had been dead sure Kelly was right. Dead sure that Melissa was still in love with Jane, but there was no way Melissa would say yes to a proposal unless she was absolutely sure. She'd learned that the hard way herself. Her heart clenched a little just thinking about it. At that moment she kind of hated Kelly a little bit. She'd actually managed to get Melissa to say yes. Was her ex-girlfriend really that messed up? Did she love Kelly? Did she love Jane? Did she love them both? Or was she simply transferring her feelings for one of them to the other because of unattainability? If that was the case, which was it? Had she been in love with Jane this whole time and had settled on telling herself it was Kelly because Jane was with Maura? Or did this crazy deal with a psychopath trigger a deep rooted fear in Melissa, leading her to transfer her feelings from Kelly to Jane, because Jane was attainable once more?
"It really messes with your head, doesn't it?"
Gabby flicked her attention back to Kelly. She wasn't wrong and she didn't even realise the true depth of what was happening. Apparently being a better person was going to be a lot harder than she thought. She had no idea how she could convince Kelly her relationship wasn't as over as she felt it was. Melissa really had painted herself into a corner. "Yeah," she admitted, "It kind of does."
"I'd have done anything for her, Gabby. You should know that."
Kelly sounded quite regretful, almost apologetic. Gabby figured it was her way of acknowledging that the way she went about things had been quite arseholic. It was probably as close to an apology as she was going to get. "Then don't give up on her. She's just confused. She wouldn't have said yes if she didn't love you Kelly. Trust me on that."
"You really do love her, don't you?"
Kelly's question came out of left field and in another moment Gabby would have exercised caution. This moment however, with her mind still processing and trying to figure out what exactly it was Melissa needed, she slipped and openly admitted, "She is unequivocally the love of my life."
The moments that followed felt like they happened in slow motion as first she recognised a look of alarm cross Kelly's face and then she sensed it. The disturbance in the force. Gabby turned and saw Alexis standing there looking sickeningly pale, the blood having drained from her face. Gabby felt her stomach drop as a sense of dread crept along her spine. However before she could even begin to start walking back what she had just said her phone went off. It was Melissa's individualised message tone. It was at this very moment that Gabby realised the universe had a sick and twisted sense of humour.
"What are you waiting for?" Alexis asked curtly, "The love of your life clearly needs you."
Gabby's shoulders dropped and her head hung low. Alexis was pissed. The best thing to do to smooth over her relationship would be to ignore her phone, but she couldn't. Not with the knowledge she had. She shook her head and opened the text message. It wasn't one she could ignore. She clambered to her feet and briefly locked eyes with Alexis as she slipped past her, "I'm truly sorry sweetheart, but I have to deal with this."
Jane was on high alert. She had positioned herself beneath blatantly obvious security cameras and her head was on a swivel. She was sitting on a bench in the Brisbane Street Mall having deliberately chosen an open public area for the meet, despite Hillenbrandt's protests. She understood he had concerns about privacy given the nature of his worries, but she wasn't allowing herself to be alone with a man who could easily be the man tormenting her and Melissa. Thankfully his desire for her assistance outweighed his desire for privacy. She'd offered to just talk to him about it at work the next day, but he had declined. Something about the walls having eyes and ears, which she understood. His claims were pretty explosive. She'd want to keep it hush hush if she were in his shoes too.
Jane checked her watch, he was late. She folded up her copy of that day's Examiner newspaper and sat it down beside herself. Her eyes remained on the lookout for trouble, but her mind became easily distracted by the state of her personal life. Maura had blown up her phone while she had been busy doing unspeakable things with Melissa, and she'd not known because her phone had been left in the car.
Whatever the concern was, she hadn't bothered to leave a message, which provided the tiniest bit of relief because if her ex-fiancée had actually left a message she would have felt compelled to reply, which could lead to trouble. She may have actively decided to stop caring what Maura thought of her life choices, but that didn't mean she had stopped caring about Maura's health and safety. It didn't mean she had simply stopped loving her, but she most certainly wasn't going to be pining after her either.
The weight that had lifted from her soul was quite obvious and while Jane wasn't one hundred percent certain what it meant, it felt quite telling. It reminded her of the time she had held her tongue for weeks watching with growing agitation the actions of the school bully. He had escalated his torment of the scrawny kid from gym class and the feeling she had when she finally decided consequences be damned and punched the bully square in the nose was euphoric. Perhaps she should have stepped in sooner. Perhaps she should have chosen a different path to resolving the conflict. In the end it mattered not because the bully learned his lesson and her gut told her clear as day, she had done the right thing. Her gut felt the same from choosing to live her life for what she wanted and what she needed. As painful as it felt to realise that salvaging her romantic relationship with Maura wasn't likely to make her happy, it still felt freeing to know that she could look to the future. She had no idea what was in store for her future, she didn't even know if she would feel the same way about the decision she'd made today, tomorrow. She just knew that it was right for her at this moment in time.
"I apologise for my tardiness."
Hillenbrandt's apology brought her mind back to the here and now. She watched him as he sat down beside the newspaper she had set down beside her. He picked up the paper and slipped an A4 sized envelope into it, handing it over to her. "I made copies. Check those out when you're alone."
"So you want to explain to me what the detective's missed that you found?" She asked quietly, her eyes keeping an eye out for anybody paying too close attention to their position.
"Security footage that shows the road the football oval is on. I've put together a list of all the vehicle registration numbers from vehicles that entered and left the area an hour each side of Dyson's vehicle going down the same road."
Jane schooled her features in an attempt to respect his effort and show that she was taking him seriously, but boy was she surprised. She didn't expect him to have put so much work into an actual investigation. "I take it that a particular vehicle stood out to you?"
He nodded. "One of our unmarked Ford's usually reserved for the detectives. Thing is, I checked the log and it wasn't assigned that night."
Jane rubbed the back of her neck, she had a really bad feeling about this. "That's highly suspicious, but until we track down every vehicle that went down that road in that time frame and check for alibis and potential motives, we can't really definitively say this is anything."
"I knew you would say that," Hillenbrandt said, handing over another envelope. "Copy of my notes, I've followed up with all of the vehicle owners that were on the road that night. I've circled a couple that didn't have an obvious alibi and that might be of interest, but I don't really see motive and I couldn't find any connection with Dyson at all."
Jane opened the envelope and looked inside and then back at Hillenbrandt. He had been a busy man. "This is why you left me with the paperwork Friday night, isn't it?"
"Yeah, dickish move I know, but I still wasn't sure if I could trust you. I know you're on the fasttrack for a detective position. I had to be sure you weren't a part of this."
He appeared to be so incredibly genuine that Jane found an all new respect for the man. "A part of what exactly? Cover up? The murder itself?"
He shook his head, a grim smile on his face. "I already know that you and Doctor Isles were with Wilson that night. I know you aren't the perpetrator."
Hillenbrandt mentioning Gabby again reminded her that she wanted to know why he was so worried about her being potentially dangerous. She saw this as a perfect opportunity to do some digging of her own. "You weren't checking on my alibi when you found that out, were you? You were checking Wilson's!"
"I had to be sure, Rizzoli. I mean logically, she's the only one with a motive I can find."
"Her promotion?" Jane couldn't contain the incredulity from showing on her face with that one. She appreciated the thoroughness of his investigation though, her respect for him was growing immensely.
"That among other things." Hillenbrandt looked away, his eyes presenting even more nervousness than she felt. There was clearly a lot more to this than just one dead detective and an unassigned police vehicle being seen in the area.
"What other things?" She had to know at this point if there was something shady in Gabby's past that brought into question her character… she simply had to know.
"Let's just say there's been some strange things happening in her orbit dating all the way back to her academy class." His features were stony when he returned his gaze to Jane. "Missing people."
"You think Wilson's involved?" Jane couldn't believe that, not for a minute. Gabby was an antagonistic, aggressive pain in her ass, but she was built damn near the same as she was. There was no way in Hell Gabby could have anything to do with people going missing. "Because that's absurd."
Hillenbrandt shrugged. "All I know is in that envelope with my notes. I've taken this as far as I can. Commander douche canoe has forbidden me from sticking my nose in any further."
Jane was definitely confused, she could assume, but she thought it best to ask. "Your father?"
"Oh yeah. Commander Hillenbrandt is a real dick." The younger HIllenbrandt clearly held no love for his father. "There will be no rats in this family." He said while making the air quotes sign with his fingers. "He cares more about his reputation than a dead cop. It makes me sick."
"Sounds like a real piece of work." The more she spoke with him, the more she started to realise that he just didn't seem the type to be tightening the screws of torture in her life. She'd still have to subtly figure out his whereabouts over the weekend at some point, just to see if she could formally rule him out, but Jane just didn't think Jacob Hillenbrandt was the guy.
"Not much I can do. My hands are tied, and look I'm sorry I've been a dick to you since we've been partnered up. I've been goin through some shit, I honestly hate this job. Dad won't let me take it seriously. He thinks I'm just a fuck up. So most days I just lean into it and coast."
Jane glanced down at the newspaper hiding the envelopes filled with serious police work and she felt a wave of righteous indignity on her training officer's behalf. She practically exploded, "Fuck him, Jacob. What's he going to do? Stop living down to his expectations. Be exceptional."
Hillenbrandt stood and offered her a sad smile, he didn't seem overly pumped up by her motivational speech. "Just look it over and tell me what you think. Stay safe out here Rizzoli, and truly, keep Wilson onside. There's something there, you'll see."
Melissa sat with legs curled up, face planted against her palm, with her elbow resting on the arm of the couch. She was staring unseeingly at the television, which was simply on to provide a distraction. Her free hand absently rubbed between the ears of Charlie who had joined her on the couch, his front paws and head coming to rest on her lower legs. She felt guilty about the fact he had been locked outside most of the day. Thankfully he didn't seem to mind too much, he had eaten his dinner and followed her around as if nothing bad had happened.
Melissa sighed as she turned her head to look at him. His ears perked up and he lifted his head, tilting it at her with interest. Of course he wasn't bothered, he was used to spending a lot of time outside while Gabby was working and she was busy finding ways to dull her pain. She really had to pull her life together. "What are you lookin' at?"
Charlie barked once and cocked his head to the other side. Melissa wondered what he was thinking while watching her so closely. She smiled at him and rubbed behind his ears when he lowered his head to receive more of the attention he had clearly been enjoying. She couldn't be more grateful that Gabby had been willing to share custody, because without him at this moment she would feel infinitely more lost than she currently did. His comforting presence held back the tide of overwhelming grief brought on by her actions of the day.
One day was all it had taken to undo every slither of work she had done during the past two weeks of therapy. Setbacks were absolutely an expected possibility during recovery, but she felt like that's all she had become, a walking setback. If self destruction was an Olympic sport, she wouldn't just be the gold medal winner, she'd be the world record holder. The worst of it was she knew better, but she still fell victim to her most basic instincts. She saw it coming and instead of hitting the breaks she had accelerated into the wall instead.
In one fell swoop she had shattered not one, not two, not three, but four lives. Regardless of how Maura and Kelly were feeling right now, once the afternoon's extra curricular activities came out… well she wasn't sure there would be any coming back from that. Prior to this afternoon she and Jane at least had truth on their side. They weren't really together, it was just a ruse. It was for the greater good. There'd be fallout from that of course, but Maura and Kelly were the kind of people that could forgive that, maybe. She and Jane had sure gone and fucked that up though, hadn't they? Quite literally.
Charlie's ears perked up and he leapt from the couch, bounding enthusiastically down the hall towards the front door. Moments later Melissa heard the familiar engine of Gabby's Triton as it pulled up outside. She honestly hadn't been sure if her ex would be willing to dive down into the muck with her for the second time that day, but she'd had to try because she really had to talk. Jane was out of the house and would be for a little while, it was the perfect opportunity to get some much needed perspective on the situation at hand.
Melissa eased herself up from the couch, but quickly realised she needn't have bothered. Gabby had let herself in and was currently being playfully mauled by her dog. Their eyes locked and she couldn't help but smile. There was just something about the way Gabby's face always lit up when Charlie was being effusively affectionate. "I think he missed you."
"Of course he did," Gabby practically cooed in a tone that was meant for Charlie as she rubbed all over his head, before easing the German Shepherd away from her body. She rubbed his flank while leading him back into the living room. "Go lay down," she commanded.
Melissa watched Charlie as he found his dog bed at the end of the couch and settled down, because yes she really had bought him two dog beds while on her shopping spree Saturday night. She rolled her neck and stretched out her arms, feeling a little stiff and needing a moment's respite before turning to face Gabby, who's steady gaze she could practically feel boring into the side of her head. "Thanks for coming."
"Twice in one day," Gabby commented drily, "What ever will your 'girlfriend' think?"
Melissa resisted the temptation to roll her eyes at Gabby's attempted humour. It may have been the nicest approach her ex had ever made when Jane was the topic at hand though, which she appreciated. She couldn't help but wonder if that's because Gabby thought it was all for show, which well it was, except for when it really, really wasn't. She didn't have the heart to match the humour, she simply made a move towards the kitchen. "Did you want a hot Milo?"
"One of those kinds of conversations, then." Gabby remarked as she trailed behind Melissa. "Tell me you have Tim Tams. Because after what I just went through at Alex's, I'm in dire need of chocolate."
Melissa checked the water levels in the jug and switched it on to boil water before opening the fridge and pulling out a packet of Tim Tams. She didn't go much on them herself, but they were Gabby's favourite and adored by the American's in her life. So naturally she always had some handy. She placed the packet down on the dining table in front of Gabby and smiled wryly, "As if I wouldn't.
Gabby snatched up the packet and hurriedly pulled it open. She looked up at Melissa and shrugged, "Hey look I know you aren't a big fan, but you aren't normal, Missy. Everyone else loves these things. I'm surprised Jane hasn't already demolished this packet."
Melissa folded her arms across her chest while she stood there waiting for the jug to boil. She flinched internally at the mention of Jane's name, just hearing it filled her stomach with confused sensations. She shook her head, not at all ready for the conversation she needed to have. Instead choosing to focus on the opening Gabby had given her. "What happened with Alex?"
Gabby was halfway through her first Tim Tam, she quickly chewed and gulped down the mouthful and responded, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
Now Melissa's curiosity truly was piqued. She quickly ducked back into the kitchenette at the sound of the jug boiling and prepared a hot Milo for them both. She returned to the dining area, placing the malt chocolate drink in front of Gabby. She then sat down in a seat across the table from her. "You can't say something like that and not expect me to bug the crap out of you until you spill the beans, so save us both some time will ya?"
"Okay, you asked for it. Alex calls me, not long after you and I talked actually and she tells me she ran into an old fling at the bar. Apparently this old fling had been having a really rough time of it. So Alex being Alex thought she could fix that with a home cooked meal."
"Oof," Melissa said, already covering her eyes with her hands and pulling them back in a move very reminiscent of a game of peek-a-boo. It just felt so awkward, there was no way known Gabby would have wanted to have dinner with someone who knew her girlfriend intimately. Especially with the rekindled relationship being so new. Melissa tried to hold back the laughter, managing to squeeze out, "She actually did that? She brought an old fling home for dinner?"
Gabby's face didn't look impressed. "Oh you think it's funny don't you? I was not looking forward to dinner… at all."
"Can't say I blame you. So I take it that things went badly?"
"You don't understand," Gabby warned, although it was clear that on some level she herself was amused because Melissa saw the slightest upturn of her lips. "I had a beer and I was drinking the beer when introductions were made and I finally bothered to look at this woman."
"Okay," Melissa said, wondering why Gabby had paused and didn't keep going. "What happened next?"
Gabby sipped her hot drink and looked over the brim of the mug at her. "My beer went everywhere because I laughed so fucking hard when I realised who it was."
It felt nice to be having a regular normal run of the mill conversation about their day to day lives with Gabby. Melissa honestly couldn't remember the last time it had happened without a depressed or anxious undertone swallowing them up. Her life choices had really damaged their ability to communicate so freely. So she was lapping up every moment. She didn't know if this was a new normal they could return to, but she hoped so. To actually be friends again and not just awkward ex-lovers who felt compelled by their history to play support roles for one another. This was the side of Gabby she missed the most.
"Don't leave me in suspense, you're killin' me Smalls."
Gabby gently shook her head and finally admitted, "Your wife. So not only has Kelly fucked you, she's fucked my current girlfriend too. I don't even want to know the odds. I don't know if that means I should buy a lottery ticket, or I'm really, truly just screwed."
"Oh my God, Lexi…. How did I not… Oh shit." Melissa laughed as she put together the information she had garnered from conversations with Kelly in the past. She had to laugh, much like she imagined Gabby had to in the moment it actually happened, because if she didn't, well she might just cry.
Melissa wasn't at all bothered that by some random twist of fate Kelly had managed to have a fling with the woman she had stolen Gabby away from when they were still kids. Because clearly Alexis wasn't a threat to her marriage. She was understandably still enamoured with Gabby. It was just thinking about Kelly at all that bothered her. The knowledge that this very day she had broken the woman's heart twice settled painfully in her chest. Once this morning with the whole acting job, and a second time in the future when the truth of this afternoon came out, because it would. Secrets like this inevitably always did. A lesson she'd learned the hard way in the past.
"Yeah," Gabby said quietly, her mood dipping significantly. "You um, you uh… you said yes to her?"
And just like that the good feeling disappeared.
Melissa dropped her vision to the mug she held with both hands. She couldn't bring herself to look Gabby in the eyes because she understood all too well that just because Gabby had left her didn't mean that level of commitment to Kelly would sit comfortably with her ex-girlfriend. Melissa looked up briefly but snapped her eyes straight back down. There was a certain level of stoicism Gabby presented, but the hurt was obvious to someone who knew her well. "I would've told you… but… well… everything else happened."
She felt Gabby's hands wrap around her own, which prompted her to look up again. Gabby's face looked tired and worn down, there was a smile but it didn't reach her eyes. Her words were unexpectedly soft, "It's alright. I understand."
It should have been Gabby. They both knew that. The only woman she should have ever had need or want to marry, should have been Gabby. Melissa understood that, just as she understood she had made choices in the past that had led them down the path that inevitably pulled them apart. She had baulked at Gabby's proposal for a reason, not that she'd truly understood it at the time herself. She should have been ecstatic. She should have said yes. She should have worked out the rest of it after that fact, but what they shared already felt broken beyond repair at that time. Then there was the Jane of it all. Falling in love with Jane and then walking away from her hadn't helped the situation. No matter how much she had deceived herself into believing that she chose Gabby, rather than simply letting Jane go.
"Some things just aren't meant to be, Kiddo."
Sometimes Gabby knew her too well. The fact she could hone in on her thoughts like that was simultaneously comforting and unsettling. Also, when did Gabby become so zen? This revelation coming from anyone other than her in the past would have led to a screaming match or worse. It's the sort of life changing moment, the final death knell of anything between them that would have had her ex-girlfriend spiralling. Clearly Alexis was a stabilising presence Gabby needed. Melissa was thankful that at least something good had come from all the hurt she had caused.
"Well the point is moot at this stage. She thinks I cheated on her with Jane of all people. She's probably never getting over that."
"Kelly really does love you, Missy. If you told her the truth, I think she'd come around. But you can't wait forever to do it. You just have to trust her. I don't know why you and Jane decided to go down this path, but if you want to save your marriage you need to give Kelly the chance to step up."
Gabby spoke so earnestly. It was surprising. Gabby of all people had reason to hate Kelly. Kelly had ultimately been the end of them. She highly doubted Gabby would be so calm or confident if she knew the truth. There really wasn't going to be a better time to come clean.
"The truth won't help this situation. Uh…" Melissa shook her head and pulled her mug up to her lips, mostly to break Gabby's hold on her hands. She didn't deserve comfort. She didn't deserve to be looking into kind, inquisitive emerald eyes. "I slept with Jane."
Gabby spat her mouthful of Milo everywhere and simply stared. Finally after a very long minute of awkward silence she stood up and retrieved a dish cloth to wipe down the table. She tossed it back towards the kitchen sink and sat back down. "Was this… or… I'm going to kill her."
There was the Gabby she knew. Dangerously low voice. Angry eyes. The beast she had to calm down. "Gabby no. She didn't take advantage of me. I know that's what you're thinking."
Gabby closed her eyes and quietly counted to ten. She took in many deep breaths before finally opening her eyes again and speaking. "You were deeply triggered today. I know you were far enough gone to be thinking about taking your own life. I saw it in your eyes. I just fucking knew the way you two kissed in front of me and Alec wasn't just for show. It looked intense. Missy, she knows better. Okay?! She knows what you've been doing to avoid your pain. She fucking knows!"
"She does," Melissa had to agree because her ex-girlfriend wasn't wrong, but there were things she didn't understand. "She wasn't trying to take advantage of the situation. I genuinely think she got caught up in it. Maura has absolutely crushed her heart, Gabs. I've never seen her like this. She was so close to taking a drink yesterday. She's desperate not to face her own pain. If anybody took advantage here, it was me. So, there's that."
"You always see the best in people, don't ya Kid?"
Melissa let out a sigh of relief. However or whatever Gabby was feeling about this entire mess she had gotten herself into, she was at least reassuring her with their old terms of endearment. She had always been Kid or Kiddo to Gabby from the moment they met. Gabby had taken her under her wing and promised to always be there and when push came to shove, she was. Their bond was unshakeable, no matter how far apart they might drift. It was comforting.
"I learned that from you. Before you grew old and cynical." Melissa couldn't help but get a friendly dig in. She needed the humour. She couldn't allow herself to be swallowed up by the guilt and fear circling her like sharks in the water.
"Yeah, yeah." Gabby waved her off and briefly distracted herself with a second Tim Tam, although she half glared at Melissa the whole time, making it quite apparent she still had thoughts on the subject. After finishing the chocolate biscuit she took a couple of mouthfuls of her drink before finally continuing the conversation. "So is Kelly right? Are you still in love with Jane? Or was it just your way of coping?"
"I… I honestly don't know. I think it's the latter. I know I shouldn't have done it. I just, I dunno Gabby. It's Jane. There's always been something intense between us and I've been… God, this is doing my head in." Melissa shook her head and pushed her chair away from the table. She was feeling restless and anxious. Her heart ached and she didn't know which way was up. She was married to a woman she believed she was in love with, but still she had felt the intense tug of attraction for Jane. "I've fucked up my marriage and I don't even have the answers you're looking for."
"Do you think Jane has feelings for you? Or do you think it's like you said and that she's just really messed up right now?" Gabby was asking the hard questions, but for once she wasn't asking them with a seething rage behind each word. She was trying to help or understand, or perhaps a bit of both. It was unsettling, nice, but unsettling all the same. Melissa simply stared at her for a long moment, processing this new side to her ex-girlfriend.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Gabby queried before smirking a little and saying, "It's not like I'm the one that's been fucking Jane, Missy. I don't have a dick growing out of my forehead do I?"
"No, you don't. I was just wondering where it got to." Melissa happily gave as good as she received. "I'm just a little surprised by how well you're taking all this. I had hoped, obviously, that being happy with Alex would have mellowed you out enough to handle this conversation. It's just, I dunno Gabs, seeing it in action… she's really good for you."
"Yeah, she is. She's probably feeding Kelly as we speak, mad as Hell at me for leaving, but yeah. She's good for me. I'm on my way to happiness. I, uh, just… it would help if you could be happy too."
"Sometimes I wonder if that's just not on the cards for me, Gabs. I might just be a little too broken."
"Bullshit." Gabby thumped the table, startling Melissa. "You've just got to do some soul searching and figure out what will make you happy. Don't think about me or Jane or Kelly, or even Maura."
"Oh I assure you, I really don't care about Maura at all. Not after what she did to Jane." Melissa spat, her disdain quite clear.
Gabby rolled her eyes. Her sarcasm was ripe. "Sure, I believe you."
"Fine. I only care because she makes Jane happy, you know, when she's not being a complete moron. How is it that an actual genius can make such an idiotic decision?" Melissa shook her head, "It makes no bloody sense."
"Doesn't it though?" Gabby asked before biting the corners of her third Tim Tam and noisily slurping Milo through the biscuit until it was a melted gooey mess, which she quickly devoured. "It's not like it took long for you and Jane to fall into each other's arms, Missy. Extreme circumstances or not, I suspect there was something there long before Maura broke it off."
"What are you saying?"
"I don't know." Gabby seemed a little cagey, which Melissa understood. This wasn't exactly an easy conversation to be having. Maybe a year or two down the road when their own breakup wasn't so fresh, but mere weeks later? It was a lot.
"Maybe you've never let go. Maybe she hasn't either. I just can't really blame Maura for leaving Jane. She's so damn protective of you, that's why I called her after I left you. I knew she would take care of you. I just didn't expect it to trigger so much fear and insecurity in Maura." Gabby sighed, clearly weighed down by the events that had been unfolding in front of her. "But you need to forget about all of that. Figure out what will make you happy, Missy and just go for it."
"What if it is Jane that will make me happiest?" Melissa had to ask, because she knew there was a part of herself that felt immense guilt for her entire relationship with Jane the first time around, because of what it did to Gabby. The last thing she wanted was for Gabby to be hurting on any level and Jane was a particularly painful thorn in her side.
"Then I am team Ja-Missy."
Gabby spoke so seriously, that Melissa glossed right over the cringe worthy ship name her ex-girlfriend had just assigned to her and Jane. "What about Maura?"
"What about her?" Gabby retorted seriously, "I told you Missy. I want you to be happy. Don't be a fool like me. Don't forget to put yourself first, no matter how much you think you love someone."
Melissa could see quite plainly from Gabby's face that she didn't mean to reduce their relationship to what she had with that sentence. It didn't stop it from hitting her hard though. To recognise the damage she had done led them to a point where Gabby felt foolish holding on for as long as she did. It was just another dose of guilt to add to what she was already feeling. She turned her head away and studied the doorway leading to the back of the house. It was easier than looking into eyes filled with so much care, even after everything they had endured.
"Are you saying that I hurt so much because I feel guilty for hurting Kelly? That my confusion is nothing more than guilt?"
"I'm saying that if it is, don't sacrifice chasing your happiness for hers. That's all. Because she won't be happy, Missy. She'll be spending her life waiting for the other shoe to fall and after one too many bad nights you will be left wondering what if?"
Melissa's head snapped back at those words and she locked eyes with Gabby. This was quickly turning into some serious insight into what the last six months must have felt like from Gabby's perspective. It was astounding how accurate she was with regards to how she herself had been feeling during that time. She thought she had been doing it for the right reasons. Her near death experience told her Gabby was the one and Gabby had been hesitant from the moment she had tried to rekindle their romance. The hesitance made so much more sense as Melissa sat there staring at her ex-girlfriend, because as time had drawn on it had become harder and harder to feel connected. Harder and harder to stop waiting for the moment Gabby finally just walked away. It was almost a relief when she did.
"Was Alex your what if? Did you wonder how your life would be different if you had simply stayed with her?"
"No. I've wondered that recently, can't really help but wonder you know, given things are really clicking this time. But no, Missy. There were different things I wondered about. What if Maura and Jane never kissed? What if I had simply just forgiven you for what happened with Rachael when it actually happened? Things like that."
"I only ask because sometimes I wonder what would have become of us if you had never left Alex. I think you would have been a lot happier. I'm really sorry that you missed out on more than a decade with her because of us."
"Don't do that." Gabby warned firmly. "Don't belittle your importance in my life because it didn't work out. I'm still here because what we had was special. It still is. Even though it isn't meant to be what we thought it was. I wouldn't change a damn moment, Missy. So don't do that."
"You're right, I'm sorry." Melissa smiled sadly, her eyes drifting back towards the table. "I guess I'm just struggling so much with knowing what's real and what isn't that I just, I dunno, I feel like loving me is a curse and yet at various times I've had four women who'd have done darn near anything for me and I… I just don't know."
Gabby was silent for a while, just quietly finishing her drink. Melissa wondered if maybe she had inadvertently hurt Gabby by laying the facts so bare like that. No wonder her ex-girlfriend had always had such a jealousy problem. From the beginning there had always been someone else sniffing around posing a threat to their relationship.
"Maybe the reason you're so unsettled and indecisive now is because you already found your one, but you lost her. Maybe that's why we were never really able to figure it out. Maybe I was meant to be nothing more than a bridge between you and Rachael." Gabby spoke calmly, but there were some definite stirrings of stormy emotion in her eyes. Melissa couldn't even begin to process what she had just heard, it felt absurd and if it were true, it only added another horrible horrible twist to the day Rachael died.
"Please don't say that. It only makes her death so much more senseless." She felt Gabby's hands find hers again, her ex-girlfriend was certainly touchy-feely today to an extreme she was not used to, but then it wasn't like she could blame Gabby for physically withdrawing while they were in the middle of a one sided open relationship either. "I've lived with an ache every day since. That's my biggest what if day. What if I hadn't pushed her away and stormed off? What if I had looked both ways before crossing? What if I had just let myself love her?"
Gabby's grip on her hands only tightened. "You have to let her go, Missy. You have to move on. Christ, I'm here wondering if I'm the problem. If a part of you feels guilty for all the damage you perceive you've done to me, but that's just another symptom. Honey, you have got to let Rachael go. It's not your fault she died. She made a choice. She chose you."
Melissa tried to pull her hands away, but Gabby held on for dear life. "Just stop, let me go. Please," she begged as the tears started to roll down her face.
"No. Not until you feel it. Really feel it. So you can start to let it go. Stop holding on to a ghost, Missy. Let. Her. Go."
Melissa stood up and yanked her hands away from Gabby and glared at her for a moment before retreating to her bedroom and slamming the door behind her. She leaned against the back of the door and slid down it, drawing her knees into her chest. Gabby had just ripped open a deep wound that she had spent years trying to heal. There was something about the assured manner with which her ex-girlfriend had spoken that shook her to the core. Was she right? Was her guilt over Rachael's death preventing her from being happy? Was she self sabotaging because of the role she played that day?
"She wouldn't want this for you," Gabby's voice carried beneath the door. "She loved you, Kid. I have no doubt. She wouldn't have disrespected me like that if it wasn't real for her. So I know, as someone who has loved you with every ounce of my being, that she wouldn't want this for you."
"Shut up," Melissa growled. "You have no idea what she'd want."
"I know she'd want you to be happy, Missy." Gabby sounded like she had gotten down to the same level. "She wouldn't hold you responsible for that day. That was her choice, Missy. Just as it's your choice to keep self-destructing."
"You don't understand," Melissa croaked out through her tears. Her mind was back in the moments before it had happened. Before Rachael had sacrificed her own life. Standing on the street feeling that intense surge of emotion, unable to resist her need to be closer to Rachael despite trying to end what was happening between them. She could still smell Rachael's perfume; lilac with hints of honey and jasmine. She never wore a lot, just a small dab on her wrists and the smell was so pervasive when Rachael's hands gripped her face to kiss her. It took her right back. She felt it all. Her gut lurched and her chest tightened. It was too much. So much betrayal. So much fear. So much heartache.
"You never did ask me how I knew," Gabby's statement snapped her free from her thoughts. "Not once have you ever asked."
"It didn't matter. You knew. That was it, Gabs. Why did it matter how you found out? The damage was done."
"It was security footage, Missy. Your entire encounter was caught on video. Obviously we tracked it down to um," Gabby sounded like she was choking up and it only made Melissa more attentive. "Just to um, determine responsibility for what happened."
A foreboding feeling invaded her senses alongside the realisation of what Gabby had been carrying for close to a decade. "You saw the kiss?"
There was a long thirty seconds of silence. Finally a response. "Yeah."
"Why didn't you ever tell me?"
"Because everytime I closed my eyes at night, that's all I could see."
Melissa's stomach dropped. For years they had gone back and forth arguing over the depth of her feelings for Rachael. She'd insist that of course she loved her, but she was never in love with her. Gabby had been certain that she had been in love. She'd always assumed that Gabby's insecurities were fed by the mere knowledge of the betrayal taking place. "Gabby…"
"You're repeating the same thing, time and again, Kid. Nine years later and you still can't face the truth. If you don't face it, you're doomed to repeat it."
"I chose you," Melissa barely breathed out, not even sure if Gabby could hear her.
Another silence that felt like it dragged on.
"I know."
Melissa stood up and slowly opened her door, mindful that Gabby may well be sitting against the other side. She was and so Melissa reached down and gave her a hand up. She needed to be face to face for the end of this conversation. She knew that this was a long overdue conversation that needed to be had, regardless of how much it hurt. Gabby looked at her with such soft, heartbroken eyes and it only made her stomach turn. "I chose you," she reiterated.
Gabby managed a weary smile. "Yeah I know. When you stepped away to cross the road, the look on her face for one moment… It told that story. The lead up told me a very different story."
"Don't… Please don't." On second thoughts, she really didn't want to be having this conversation at all.
Gabby reached out and brushed a stray strand of hair from her face. She knew it was just for that brief connection. It was for a moment of tenderness before she absolutely gutted her by saying something she didn't want to hear, let alone acknowledge. "You were in love with her."
"Gabby…"
"It's okay. I'm okay with it. It doesn't change what we had. I used to think it did, but I guess recent times have given me a different perspective."
Had.
One little word with a surprisingly powerful impact. Melissa stumbled back a little, her eyes widening with the cold sinking realisation that she shouldn't be doing this. She shouldn't be dragging Gabby back into her crap. It was her messed up life and by dragging Gabby back into it time and time again she wasn't giving her a fair chance to succeed at moving on. Before she could even begin to formulate her thoughts into words, Gabby continued speaking.
"Hence why I said don't stay for the other person. Live your life Missy, love who you love and don't apologise for it." Gabby looked away and brushed her face with her hand before turning completely and disappearing into the living room.
Melissa followed her and watched as her ex knelt down beside Charlie and gave him a good solid rub. She mumbled some indiscernible words into his ear before standing and looking back at her. Something didn't feel right. It made her nervous. "Gabby…"
Tears stained Gabby's face and apparently this time she wasn't trying to hide them. She stood almost quivering, "You are unequivocally the love of my life, Missy. There will be a part of me that will always love you, but I can't keep doing this. I thought I could. I thought I should, but it doesn't help either of us. I will be here if it's the worst day of your life, but I can't help you through every day. That's not my role anymore. I need to put Alex first or she will leave me and I just… I have a second chance at happiness there Missy. I need to take it."
Melissa nodded slowly, a soul shattering pain rapidly spreading from her chest throughout her entire body. It was an invasive ache that almost buckled her knees. This hurt a Hell of a lot more than their romantic ties coming to an end, but she would suck it up. She had to. She owed Gabby that much. She felt tears start flowing down her cheeks. She glanced at Charlie, seeking some sense of comfort only to realise that sharing custody wasn't going to be plausible. Gabby wouldn't get the clean break she apparently needed. How was she supposed to do this? Her hands clenched by her sides in an attempt to quell the rising heartbreak. She focused on what was safest. "I got Charlie some stuff… well a lot of stuff actually. Um, you should take it. There's a squeaky toy that he loves, um, I'll go get it."
Gabby gripped her by the forearms. "You don't need to do that. I was just telling him goodbye. You need him more than I do."
"Gabby…"
"It's the right thing to do."
Charlie sat up and whined a little. Melissa looked down at him and it only served to break her heart even further. This poor boy. He could sense their distress and it was only upsetting him. Gabby was his mother long before she returned home. It wasn't right. "But he needs you."
Gabby let go of her arms and turned back to Charlie. She knelt down beside him and hugged him for a long time, while she talked to him again. Melissa only caught parts of it, mostly about being a good boy and that his Mum loved him. Melissa could barely stand watching. She couldn't comprehend this level of sacrifice. Charlie was more than a simple dog, for both of them. He was family. He was practically their child. Her heart hurt just watching Gabby and Charlie together, she couldn't begin to fathom what her ex-girlfriend was feeling.
After everything they had been discussing about chasing happiness, this gesture felt like the absolute opposite. "Don't sacrifice your happiness for me, Gabs. Take Charlie with you."
Gabby gave Charlie one more head rub for good measure before standing and turning back to Melissa. Looking her dead in the eyes, she said, "No. You need a reason to live while you figure all this out. Now you've got one."
"Gabby…"
"Take care of him, Missy. Promise me."
Melissa hated what was happening. She hated the thought of Gabby not being there and she hated the thought of keeping Charlie from her. She hated the fracture that had split them straight down the middle. First Kelly, now Gabby. They were all walking out, not that she could blame them. Was Jane going to be next? She felt so lost, but what could she do? She had to respect Gabby's needs, as a result all she could do was nod slowly and give the assurance she knew her ex needed to feel okay walking away. "I promise."
They shared one last lingering look before Gabby worked the key to her house from her keyring and handed it back. When Gabby was half way down the hall she faltered in her stride for a moment, half turned, but refused to make eye contact. "You can keep the Van Halen shirt too."
Of course Gabby knew she had pilfered it. She was wondering if her ex-girlfriend would ever mention it. She knew she'd have noticed. She'd honestly thought it would anger Gabby enough to cause a face to face after the break up, but she'd never come for it.
"Be happy, Gabs."
And just like that Melissa was in the midst of one of the worst days of her life. It would have been number one if not for her having experienced Rachael sacrificing her life for her and being forced to watch a madman do unspeakable things while murdering Talia. Deceiving her wife, falling into bed with Jane and then Gabby walking out on their friendship all in the one day? It may have hit third spot, just in front of the death of her parents when she was young, because she didn't really feel their loss, not anymore. Today, well today she felt every little thing.
Jane rubbed at the back of her neck as she stared down at the bed in her motel room. It was covered in photographs and documents, which she had slowly been trying to piece together. Jacob had been thorough with his investigations. It was genuinely surprising that Commander Hillenbrandt had shut this investigation down. It was explosive. There was definitely a considerable number of missing people linked to the Tasmanian Police Academy's class of 2002. Gabby's class. Detective Stephen Dyson had been one of the instructors that year. Was there a link?
She picked up a list of the recruits that Jacob had so kindly included, several names were circled and three were crossed out. She would have to confer with Jacob but she suspected the three crossed out were deceased as she recognised Rachael Taylor's name amongst the trio. The circled names were the ones of interest to her. Three names, with dates next to them. She rummaged through the paperwork Jacob had left with her and found photocopies of the file folders for Justin Graham, Liam O'Connell and Douglas Walton, missing persons reports, file dates matching up with the dates written next to their circled names. So these were the missing people Jacob was talking about.
All three had been recruits for the class of 2002. Liam had gone missing during training, twenty weeks before graduation, approximately halfway through the old training timeframe. Jane let out a relieved sigh at the fact her training time was halved as the thought of spending forty plus weeks going over the basics that she already knew, was not her idea of fun. Justin went missing in 2005 and Douglas disappeared in 2007. There didn't appear to be any rhyme or reason to it, but what were the odds? She was starting to agree with Jacob, this was a highly suspicious level of disappearances given on average 125 people were reported missing in Tasmania each year and there were only 160 odd people still missing dating back to the 1950s.
Jane sifted back through the documents, shuffling them in an attempt to locate something she recalled seeing about one of the missing people. Reaching out across the far side of the bed she plucked up a piece of paper that contained a sexual assault report. The accused was Liam O'Connell, which caused a theory to start brewing in her mind suggesting his disappearance could have been linked to the sexual assault. She scanned the document further and froze when her eyes landed on the victim's name. Rachael Taylor. Further reading of the report detailed the alleged incident taking place on the academy grounds a week before Liam went missing.
A chill ran down Jane's spine. Jacob had been so sure that Gabby was somehow involved and he didn't appear to have the knowledge she did, at least he hadn't noted it anywhere that she had found as of yet. Rachael was Gabby's best friend. It wasn't a stretch at all to imagine Gabby becoming incensed and losing her temper, lashing out and accidentally killing the man. Or perhaps Rachael had searched for payback? It was all theoretical and there was no evidence to even support the theory, but it gave her a bad feeling in her gut.
Jacob's investigative abilities were actually quite impressive given he wasn't in the class of 2002. He had somehow picked up on this pattern, or perhaps he had gone digging for another reason, whatever it was, he had certainly fallen down a rabbit hole of intrigue and she suspected it was all linked. Dyson and the missing people all had the 2002 class in common. It couldn't be a coincidence, could it?
There was so much information to take in and so many unanswered questions popping into her mind, but she had spent enough time allowing herself to be distracted. Jane needed to get back to Melissa's because she didn't feel comfortable leaving her friend alone for too long and they had an even bigger problem to solve. She was shuffling the papers together and stuffing them in the envelopes when a sharp knock on the door drew her attention. She grabbed her gun and held it to her side while opening the door just a crack. Relief flooded her system when she saw that it was Maura.
Of course the moment her brain reminded itself of the state of their relationship and the threats to lives if they spent too much time together the relief moulded into a giant ball of agitated stress. "What the Hell are you doing here?" Jane snapped, poking her head outside the room, looking left and right before grabbing Maura by the wrist and pulling her inside the room, closing the door behind them. "You can't be here."
"Hello to you too, Jane." Maura huffed, pulling her arm away from Jane's grasp.
Jane rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated growl. "Yes, yes. Hello Maura. What do you want?"
"I was hoping we could talk."
Now she wants to talk? Jane shook her head and stepped past Maura, hurriedly stuffing a few things back into a duffel bag, including her gun and all of Jacob's research. She knew she was being snappish and a little flippant, but she couldn't stop herself; she was hurt. "Pretty sure you said all you had to say Sunday morning. How'd you even know I was here anyway?"
Maura tried to move into her eye line, but Jane kept busy moving things around, some of which she needed and some of it just to keep from making eye contact. Maura let out an exasperated sigh. "You used our joint card, Jane."
By joint card, Maura meant the card she had virtually forced onto Jane in case of emergencies. Jane was internally kicking herself because she hadn't meant to use that card. She didn't want to use a single dime of Maura's money. "Don't worry, I'll pay you back."
"Don't be silly, Jane. I'm not worried about that." Maura waved her off, which only served to irk Jane more.
"So if it's not about the money, why are you here?" Jane didn't have the energy to study every micro expression. There was simply too much piling up and Maura's presence wasn't helping. It was hindering. It was a bitter reminder of what she had lost, because it really didn't matter what Maura had to say at this point, it was just too hard to look past the reality of being abandoned, again.
Out of the corner of her vision Jane watched as Maura clutched her hands in front of her body. She looked like she was trying to carefully formulate her approach. Jane shook her head and turned to face her ex-fiancée. "Spit it out Maura, I don't have all night."
"I received an interesting voice message from Kelly this morning." Maura's tone sounded neutral but Jane could see the hurt shining in her eyes. She doubted Maura was trying to hide it either as she could be brilliant at covering her emotions by hiding behind an air of decorum, when she wanted to.
"I was wondering if she would say anything. I guess that answers that." Jane replied calmly, attempting not to allow any more of her heartache to spring forth uncontrollably. "So what, you wanna know if it's true? You're actually asking me instead of assuming for once, Maura? Is that what's happening right now?"
Maura visibly blanched at her questions which made Jane assess her success at keeping her emotion from her voice. She may not have done so well at hiding her visceral anger and disappointment. She had plenty of it.
"I understand that…"
"Stop, Maura!" Jane growled, "I don't want to hear it. I don't care how you're feeling about what's going on. I don't even care if you understand what's going on. You made your choice, Maura. You abandoned me, again! So no, just stop. I don't want to hear it."
Jane could feel tears pricking her eyes and it only made things worse. The last thing she wanted was to give Maura any hint of how deeply she was hurting, she didn't want to hear apologies or justifications or judgements. She just wanted to be done. She wanted Maura to leave and go home and be safe. The more time they spent together the riskier it was. She had no idea the definition of 'staying away' in the psychotic assholes mind, it could mean don't have any contact ever or it could mean just keep it to a distanced minimum. Given the state of her heart which felt like it had been plucked from her chest, squeezed in a vice, stuck with red hot searing needles and brutally jammed back into her body, she was more than happy keeping the distance. At some point her bargaining and denial had skipped straight to anger and it was hugging her tightly like a blanket as she glared, with nostrils flaring and hands squeezed tightly into fists.
"Jane, I simply…"
"No!" Jane's temper frayed and she roared an interruption, ignoring the way Maura took a step back and looked absolutely shocked. "Yes I fucked her. No. I don't know what's going to happen with her, but I do know when I'm with her I feel good. I feel trusted. I feel needed. Are you happy now?"
"Happy you broke up a marriage? Not particularly." Maura retorted snidely.
Jane shook her head, her wild mane of curls flinging out of control, much like her temper. "You have a real nerve. If I broke up a marriage, it's because you tossed me out like trash. You told me to figure it out. Well Maura, how's that workin' out for ya?"
"You didn't even wait a day, Jane and you wonder why I felt inclined to set you free." Maura snapped back, her hands no longer folded neatly in front of her body.
"Set me free?" Jane scoffed. "Is that what you tell yourself to make yourself feel better for dumping me, Maura? Because I'm telling you right now, there wasn't a selfless noble thing about your cowardly actions. You got scared, Maura. That's all it took for you to flush two and a half years of a loving relationship down the toilet. Great job, Maura. Gold star. You're a fuckin' over achiever as always."
"When did you become so mean, Jane?" Maura questioned, her face a little pale from the apparent shock of her tirade.
Jane shrugged, "I dunno Maura, maybe because it took two years for me to feel safe and secure in our relationship. Two years to rebuild my trust in you. Two years to not fear you walking out that door because I didn't meet your high society standards, only for you to do that because you got insecure. Because you refused to listen to me. All that work Maura, for what exactly?"
"Wait. What are you saying Jane? What do you mean two years of not trusting me?"
Maura appeared genuinely concerned, which didn't help Jane one bit. Jane's self righteous anger melted away, replaced by a deep, bitter sadness. She sat down on the edge of the bed and looked up into very sad hazel eyes. She hated seeing sadness in Maura's eyes. She hated that she was somehow the cause of it. She hated that this is what had become of her. All the hard work from years of therapy, wasted. "You really thought I was just going to be able to trust that you wouldn't up and leave me again? Maura, you moved continents without even consulting me and then when we finally come together the first thing you do is practically give me an ultimatum. Yet, somehow you think I could just be okay with that? It took two years to get to a place of trust and safety and happiness. I'm stunned that you didn't notice. Fucking stunned."
Maura at least looked genuinely appalled by the revelations. She motioned towards the spot next to Jane and asked, "May I?"
Jane sighed and nodded slowly, there was no point trying to get out of this conversation. The damage was already done, or it wasn't, at least as far as the demands of the psychopathic asshole pulling her strings went. She was pretty sure as far as her relationship with Maura went, it was damaged beyond repair. They had both seen to that in their own ways. "Sure."
"For the record," Maura said once she settled down next to Jane, leaving just enough space so that their bodies were not touching, "I do need you and I never realised how greatly my decisions in the past affected you. I truly believed that therapy was working for you early on. You seemed quite happy. I thought we were happy."
"Of course we were happy Maura, that's not the point though. For two years I had an uncontrollable fear that you would just up and leave me again, which would be one hundred times worse than the first time because you made me up and leave my family and a job I loved to be with you."
"I simply do not understand. You had a choice. I did not make you do anything."
Jane sighed and let her head hang low while she rubbed her temples in an attempt to soothe the headache she felt coming on. "That wasn't a choice. It was a gamble. It told me plainly that you didn't need me as desperately as I needed you. You didn't seek to compromise, you just put it out there and banked on my desperation. It worked, so it was a wonderful gamble, Maura. But it wasn't a choice. Not when one of the options was losing you."
Maura reached out and placed her hand on Jane's knee, gently rubbing in a soothing manner. Jane turned her head and looked at her knee and back to Maura, surprised by the display of affection, but chose not to say anything further about it.
"It was never my intention to leave you feeling cornered. I have never needed anything, or anyone in my life, until you. You have brought so much colour to my life. I honestly don't know where I would be without you. It saddens me in ways I cannot begin to explain, that you have ever felt this way because of me."
Jane wanted desperately to believe Maura, despite knowing even if she did there was little she could do about it in the short term, but she couldn't. The trust was broken. She had blown up her life as she knew it to transplant herself halfway around the world for this woman, and when she had so desperately needed her love to listen and help her process what she was feeling, she had been tossed to the curb. She would never have done that to Maura, even if Maura was confessing some sort of crazy level of affection for Gabby again or some random guy. If she had simply been talking to her partner, seeking help on understanding what she was experiencing, she would have listened. She wouldn't have terminated their relationship without first listening and really talking things through, especially if Maura had been begging her not to leave and professing her love. She would have found a way to make it work. She would have tried. Maura didn't afford her that same respect, and no matter how she wished it could be different, it destroyed the trust they had built up between them. She felt expendable.
"Then why do you only love me when it's convenient?" Jane could tell from the way Maura's hand ceased rubbing her knee and the subsequent silence that her question had hit home pretty hard. "Why do you always come back when you think Missy might take me away? That's pretty messed up, Maura. I don't even know what to think of that, in all honesty. Because I never meant for you to figure out my feelings for you once I realised that Gabby made you happy. You just had to go and be the genius you are and figure it out. Once it was out there, I did the right thing. I got out of your life and allowed you to live it. You didn't afford me the same respect."
"I hardly think the situations are the same, Jane. I didn't reciprocate your feelings at that time. What choice did you have? Once I realised my feelings for you, I tried very hard to let you live your life and chase your happiness."
"But you didn't. Was it because Gabby would leave you if you didn't? Because quite honestly, the moment you let that dictate to you that you should say something to me, you became selfish. Don't get me started on your perfect timing either."
"I do not understand the insistence by both yourself and Kelly that my timing was manipulative." Maura sounded quite defensive.
"I'm sure didn't mean it that way, Maura. But it was. It was very manipulative. Continuing on to tell me how you felt when I asked you not to, also very much so. There is no way you couldn't read my body language, and sense my internal conflict. You know me better than anyone. You still had to say it. You still had to get in my personal space."
"You kissed me." Maura retorted fiercely.
"You. Knew. I. Would." Jane spelled out very slowly and deliberately. She was starting to get riled up again. The more she thought back on the days leading to their relationship becoming official, the more she questioned the way they had both gone about it. Maura's insistence that she had nothing but pure intentions didn't sit well with her. Pure intentions would be making a phone call, if you had to say anything at all. That's safe. That allows breathing room. That prevents temptation until a person has had a chance to digest the announcement. That wasn't what happened at all. "Then you gave me the first ultimatum. I still can't believe you did that to me."
Maura sighed quite loudly. Jane wasn't sure if it was exasperation or tiredness. It was definitely deliberate. "Because I knew you Jane. I knew you would double down on your commitment to her, despite having declared your love for me. I knew you would sacrifice my heart out of some stupid sense of nobility."
Jane's head snapped sideways and she locked eyes with Maura the same moment her ex-fiancée realised that what she said wasn't going to go over well in the context of this conversation. "Your heart? What about mine Maura? I was finally getting my life back together and you just had to rip out my fucking heart and send me back down into a spiral of shit. You stole my happiness."
"Jane," Maura spoke softly, rubbing her knee again, attempting to soothe the beast she had awakened. "I apologise for my choice of wording. I just didn't want you to martyr yourself and I didn't know how else to go about it."
Jane pushed her hand away and shook her head, while maintaining eye contact. Her chest ached, but she felt the molten hot lava of her anger rising to the surface again. She spoke words she knew would hurt, and she wasn't proud of herself for it, but she had no desire to stop them coming out either. "I wish you had never told me how you felt. I was in a happy, trusting, respectful relationship with a woman who loved me for me."
Maura's eyes narrowed dangerously and Jane quickly realised that she had poked the bear when she spoke, "What the Hell is that supposed to mean Jane? Loved you for you? How dare you imply I do not love you for who you are. Who you are is precisely why I love you."
"If I dress like you want. Eat what you want. Do what you want. Be what you want. You've already proven that. I wasn't doing what you wanted so you kicked me out."
"That is not accurate and you know it. You're clearly still enamoured with your ex, Jane. You're back together with her after all. So don't tell me I kicked you out for any reason other than the truth. Your heart wasn't in our relationship."
When Maura decided to be mean it was quite apparent the woman knew how to throw some punches. Completely irrational, illogical, wrong punches, but they still hurt. "Clearly you never understood what Missy means to me. You've never even tried to understand how important she is to me. You just see her as a threat. Well Honey, I hate to inform you but you did this to yourself. My relationship with Missy is fluid. It's completely dependent on her needs. Thanks to you I am free to meet those needs. Needs I would never have ever thought of meeting while in a loving, stable, respectful relationship."
"You're deceiving yourself if you honestly think that Jane. Clearly I'm wasting my time." Maura stood then and made a move towards the door, she turned back and glared at Jane with the coldest eyes she had ever seen, "I'll have removalists pack up the rest of your belongings and when you have found more permanent, less dingy accommodation, I'll have them moved over for you."
Jane stood up, nostrils flaring, heart aching in her chest.
"Sure."
Maura grasped the door handle and pulled.
"Fine."
The door slammed.
"Whatever."
A/N: Whew, so this particular Monday in Angstville is turning into a long one, as fallout from this chapter will happen next chapter. OC heavy chapter, but kind of necessary.
So I've received a few comments, one in particular struck me as a little frustrating and also a little true so I thought I might just clarify some things so that we are all on the same page and there are no more accusations of deceptive tactics etcetera.
Firstly, yes this story is filled with mistrust and in some places stupidity, it's a soap opera. By it's nature the characters are meant to be a lil more angsty, a lil more stupid, a lil more outlandish and just flat out extra with their emotions. I'm not writing an A through Z linear dramatic take it seriously life like drama here... it is a SOAP. It's also for my enjoyment. I love angst. I love overly emotional scenes. I love the lesbian drama of it all.
Secondly, there was never meant to be a sequel. The sequel came about because of outside forces pressuring me to wrap up What if it's You? sooner than I wanted. The result of that is the Gabby/Maura and Jane/Missy relationships felt a lot more authentic as they were fleshed out more and developed. I had intended to do the same thing and build up Jane and Maura in much the same way, but as I said, felt compelled to rush to the finish line. I think I still did alright given the fact I bowed down to those pressures, but I could have done so much better.
This time I intend to do better. I'm enjoying this universe. I'm enjoying the OC's. I'm enjoying the fact Missy is some kind of broken siren that doesn't realise she is luring all these women to the shore. I'm enjoying the fact Jane has two loves, because let's be honest, she does in this universe because that's the way soaps work. Love triangles are the backbone of an entertaining soap. Jane only has one true love and I haven't had the chance to build that relationship enough yet, so I intend to do that. But first it has to completely break so I can start it from scratch.
So yes this commenter was completely accurate when they called this a Jane/Missy love story, because in many ways it is, because that's compelling and entertaining to people that read this for what it is, a soap opera. My challenge is to bring it with the Jane/Maura love story too, and hey, who knows, maybe I will suck at it and in that case flame away if it doesn't feel satisfying by the end. However in the mean time, please understand that I have to undo a lot of stuff that was rushed in the first story. I have to build a brand new foundation for Rizzles. It may well take time. This time, I'm not rushing it. I will have my fun with my characters and try my hardest to make Rizzles feel authentic.
If that's too much for you I completely understand, not everyone is going to enjoy or be entertained by the same things. Just please consider that I do this out of passion for telling stories. The last thing I, or any fan fiction author needs is non constructive or abusive criticism. Hate the characters as much as you want. Maura's being dumb and Jane's an ass, I get it. Just please be kind and conscientious when talking directly at me (and all other fan fic authors) in your comments. I appreciate all of you for reading and commenting and telling me how you feel.
Yikes. At least Maura knows where Jane is coming from now, kind of, right? Do you think Gabby can redeem herself when she returns to Alexis, after dipping out like she did? Do you think Gabby has something to do with anything nefarious that's been going on?
