When Victor opened his eyes, he was looking up at a plain white ceiling. His mouth was dry, his eyelids were heavy and his head was throbbing like he was having the worst hangover of his life. It took him a few seconds to register he was lying flat on his back, on a hard mattress with a blanket pulled over him almost up to his neck. His hand ran over the thick rough texture as he tried to recall how he ended up here. The last thing he could remember, he had been at the circus, watching Yuuri perform…
Yuuri!
He sat bolt upright and pain shot through his torso like lightning. He grabbed his chest and groaned loudly, feeling like he was on the verge of passing back out. He looked down to see that his exposed chest was covered in large indigo bruises and his left shoulder was aching like it had been hit with a cannonball. He sat there, panting for a long moment as he waited for the pain to subside. When it did, he finally had a chance to look around at his surroundings. He was in a small room with cream walls and a faint smell of flowers and sawdust. There was nothing in there apart from the bed he was sitting on and a small table to his right side that only had a single vase of small purple flowers on it. Other than that, it was completely bare, without even a window. The door directly opposite the bed was ajar and he could hear distant noises but they were too muffled to make out. They could have been footsteps coming and going but Victor wasn't sure if that was reassuring or not. With how characterless the room was, he could have been anywhere.
"What on Earth…" Victor murmured out loud whilst his body continued to protest. When he tried to think, his thoughts were murky, like he was looking at the images through pondwater. He knew he had been at the ring in the circus, watching the show from the front bench. He knew deep inside him, something had gone wrong, very wrong, and that something had also happened to Yuuri. When he really racked his brain, he could see Yuuri hanging in the air, looking almost like an angel in flight but he knew that wasn't possible. That means… Victor gritted his teeth in more pain as he tried to move from the bed, buttoning his shirt and searching for his blazer. That meant the unthinkable must have happened. It must mean that Yuuri fell from the trapeze…
"Victor! You're awake!"
A loud shout stopped Victor in his tracks and the next thing he knew, someone strong was ushering him back onto the bed, forcing him to lay down on his back. He looked up to see a pair of familiar chestnut eyes staring down at him and he grinned with relief to see a friendly face.
"Phichit!"
"Are you OK?" Phichit fussed over him like a mother hen, fluffing the pillow under his head and pulling the heavy blanket over him to keep him in place. "We were all so worried about you! How do you feel?"
"Rough."
Phichit laughed at the honest reply. "Guess I should have expected that. You've been unconscious for over a day now."
"I have?!" Victor looked around him once again. "Where am I? Am I in the hospital?"
"Hospital?" Phichit snorted. "We didn't take you to hospital, those places are death traps. You can smell the death in the air…" He visibly shuddered and Victor didn't dare to ask how he was so certain. "No, you're still on the circus premises, we just cleaned out a room for you so we didn't have to move you far. We did a good job, you should have seen how dusty it was before… Ciao Ciao may come across as cutthroat but he got the best doctors in the city for you both. They wanted to take you to hospital but he talked them out of it."
Victor raised an eyebrow. "And by talked out of it, he gave them more money to come here?"
"Maybe." Phichit smiled. "He does take care of his own."
"I'm glad of that." Victor smiled gratefully before his expression turned serious. "What happened Phichit? What happened to Yuuri?"
"You don't remember?" Phichit suddenly couldn't look him in the eyes. "I… I don't know if I should say. You've only just woken up, you need to recover first-"
"I don't care about that." Victor said harshly. At the stricken sight of the other man's face, he gave a sigh and then spoke again, more softly. "I'm sorry Phichit. That was uncalled for. But… I need to know. I can't heal with a dark cloud hanging over my head. Please… Tell me everything. Don't spare me, I'll only find out some other way."
The other man looked reluctant but he started talking. "I suppose you will but… It was really bad Victor. We were performing and everything was going fine but something was up with Yuuri. I don't know what happened but I found him asleep in one of the back rooms and he didn't want to talk about it but he was really upset. He was shrugging it off and acting like he was fine but I could tell when we were in the air and it all just went wrong…"
Phichit looked like he was close to vomiting at the memory and Victor instinctively clutched at his hand. Phichit looked grateful for the comfort but Victor could feel how tense he was as he continued speaking, his voice rising and falling with the emotion that was threatening to spill over.
"The timing was off… I'm not sure how. I've replayed it a thousand times in my head, but Yuuri ended up in the wrong place and I couldn't catch him… he was right there and I couldn't get him. He then fell but then suddenly, you were there in the ring. You managed to somehow catch Yuuri but he slammed into your chest and his legs hit the ground really hard… You both then collapsed in the ring and it was chaos. You were both limp and not moving, the audience was screaming and trying to run away, Ciao Ciao had to get the other performers to run in and get everybody out and he was calling for a doctor. Some of them were screaming that you were both dead and for a moment, we all thought you were…"
Victor groaned. He could only imagine how traumatising that must have been for everyone in the circus. Most of them did dangerous things every day, to the point where it must have seemed like injury or death was impossible. To have that illusion shattered before your eyes… He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting more images to flood his vision. Instead, he tried to think practically.
"Have you spoken to the doctor about me and… Yuuri?"
Phichit nodded. "You both went through the wringer. Having someone fall on you from that height, you're lucky it wasn't worse. You have broken your collarbone and a few ribs and you severely dislocated your shoulder."
"That explains why it hurts so much."
"Yeah, the doctors had to put it back in when you were unconscious, I'm surprised you didn't wake up then. It was nasty, Chris came so close to vomiting when he heard the sound." Phichit tried to laugh but the sound was blunt and hollow. "You took most of the brunt of Yuuri's fall and the doctor said it was a miracle you didn't get any spinal injuries from falling onto your back. You both hit your heads pretty hard but the doctor said we would only know how bad that could be when you both woke up. And Yuuri's legs…" He squeezed his eyes shut and Victor could see tears threatening to seep out. "You don't want to see them, Victor. They were really hurt…"
"Do they think…" Victor's voice dried up as he racked his brain trying to think of the right words. He didn't want to speak his greatest fear aloud, as if somehow, that would make it come true. Phichit looked like he was struggling as well so Victor tried to make it easier on him. After all, he was Yuuri's best friend and he had had the misfortune of watching everything unfold from above. He couldn't imagine how that would have felt, watching your best friend plumet to the ground when they were just a finger out of reach…
"They don't know if he'll ever walk again." Phichit said bluntly, finally ending Victor's struggle. "He needs to wake up first."
"He's still… asleep?"
"Yes."
"I see."
There was another silence before Phichit spoke again, his voice hushed like he was asking something forbidden. "Do you… remember anything about it?"
"Not much." Victor admitted. "I woke up not knowing where I was and then I remembered Yuuri in the air… that's the last thing I can think of. After that, it's all black."
"I'm not surprised. You really hit your head. You both did."
There was an awkward silence for a long moment, neither of them sure what to say. Finally, Victor spoke up, his throat dry as he feared the reply.
"Is Yuuri… likely to wake up?"
"I don't know." Phichit said. "He's stable, which is the best we can hope for, for now."
"Can I see him? Please?"
"I don't know." Phichit's eyes closed and he had to turn away. "Ciao Ciao has been standing guard over him for the last day, he won't leave his side. I think he feels like it's all his fault, he was the one who brought Yuuri into this after all…" He sniffed and Victor saw his hand quickly dart up to his face to wipe at his cheek. "I only got let in after I begged him through the door and I had to threaten that I'd stay there until he'd let me in. Nobody else has been able to get him to budge. I think the doctors told him that Yuuri can't be crowded, that he needs time and space to heal. Also… I don't think Ciao Ciao wants anyone to see him this hurt."
"Can you ask for me?" Victor pleaded. He tried to sit up again and when Phichit forced him gently back down, he grabbed both of his hands, making him look at his face. "Please, I need to know that he's OK."
"I'll… I'll do my best." Phichit said but he didn't sound confident. "But I won't make any promises."
"I don't need you to."
Phichit managed a half-smile. "Be good and rest as much as you can. I'll let you know when I've worn him down enough."
"You're the best Phichit." Victor happily snuggled down under the blanket as Phichit smoothed out the creases. He was tired and his chest was heavy. He tried to smile but it felt like he was trying to move the muscles in someone else's face.
"Sleep. You'll need it." Phichit's voice was gentle but firm as he walked away from the bed. Victor tried to raise his head but it felt like lead. He hadn't realised how much the conversation had exhausted him; he suddenly felt like he could sleep for another full day. The last thing he saw before falling back to sleep was Phichit looking back at him from the doorway. What he didn't see was the way his hand was gripping the frame, clutching at it like it was the only thing keeping him upright. His eyes were brimming with tears that had been threatening to spill for the last few minutes and all his restraint had now seeped away. He let them fall as it watched the sleeping Russian and he felt awful, truly awful for the thought that went through his mind.
Why couldn't it have been Yuuri?
OOO
It was three days before Victor got his answer. He spent the time passing the hours in his small room, trying to waste them with anything that came to mind. He asked for his writing things, thinking he could use the time to start a new play but he sat pen in hand for hours, just staring at the ceiling before he asked for them to be taken away. He sat with books in his lap but never got through more than a few pages, he got the newspaper delivered daily but would only briefly scan over it before tossing it away. He couldn't concentrate on anything and that frustrated him beyond belief. Usually, it was easy for him to disappear into his head, that's where he went all the time when he was writing. However, when he did, all he could see was Yuuri, held in the air like he was tied with invisible string, and he would feel his body fill with despair. His imagination was usually his retreat but now, he hated being alone with his thoughts. They only made everything worse.
Thankfully, the other performers would visit him whenever they could before and after their practise and he found his mornings were filled with pleasant conversation and news of the circus. It was Guang-Hong who usually brought his newspaper first thing in the morning and would tell him all the gossip the stagehands overheard. Georgi was the one who brought a stool into the room and he would sit by his bed and regale him with stories of his previous relationships. They were often very dramatic retellings, with Georgi sometimes bringing himself to tears at the tragedy of it all, but Victor found he didn't mind comforting him. It made a nice change from everyone fussing over him all the time.
Chris also dropped in whenever he wasn't trying to wrangle the dancers into shape. He was a bright and welcome presence in Victor's shrunken world and he always brought him a drink from the bar, much to the despair of his doctors. They would sit and drink and laugh about old exploits they had previously gotten up to when drunk and some of them had Victor laughing so hard, he would feel his ribs ache for ages afterwards. Even Yuri had visited him, even if it was only to snort at him.
"I knew you were a lovesick idiot," he had said with a voice dripping with disdain and disgust. "But I didn't think you were so bad, you'd try to flatten yourself."
Still, he had brought with him some Russian pirozhki, that Victor knew he had to have made specially. He had at first insisted he had brought them because he knew the doctors weren't feeding him properly but when he had gone to leave, he had grabbed Victor's hand and looked down at the floor.
"Thank you." Victor had been able to make out his quiet but earnest words through the curtain of his blond hair before the young man had bolted from the room like a pack of rabid dogs were at his heels. Victor had been touched more by that than anything else he could remember. Having the approval of the young tamer felt like the greatest gift of all and he had never felt more like a part of the circus. Plus, the pirozhki had been delicious.
It was the evenings that were the worst. Then the shows would be happening and even from his solitary room at the very back of the old building, he could still faintly hear the music and the echoes of Ciao Ciao's voice as things carried on as usual. Victor hated hearing it. He knew the show had to go on but it still seemed heartless, even if Phichit wasn't performing and no one had been up in the rafters since the accident. The other acts were doing their best to make up for it but it still felt like there was a void there, a hole that no one could mend.
He didn't see Phichit at all during those three days. He didn't know whether it was because he was trying to wear Ciao Ciao down or because he was being forced to rest as well. All of the other performers had said that he had taken it very hard and sometimes they would see him waiting outside of Yuuri's dressing room, standing there by the door like his fellow acrobat was inside and he was waiting for him to get ready. It was a sad image that Victor didn't want to think about but, just like all his other thoughts, it was always there at the back of his mind, waiting for when he was alone to rear its head. He would lie awake at night, listening to the silence, hoping that he would hear someone running down the corridor to tell him that Yuuri had woken up, that he wanted to see him. Sometimes, he heard movement outside and his heart would leap with hope but it was always a letdown. He would have given anything, his money, his plays, his reputation, just to see Yuuri walk through that door with a smile on his face but as the hours went by, his hope seemed to drain away with them.
He was so caught up with thoughts of Yuuri that, much to the frustration of the doctor Ciao Ciao had brought in, he wasn't focused on his own positive recovery. The doctor told him with every visit that he was incredibly lucky to not have seriously injured his legs and after the second day, Victor was allowed to tentatively walk around the small room, with the doctor pressing a pillow to his front. He gave him painkillers to numb the ache in his chest and made him do breathing exercises to clear his lungs. They still hurt but he was glad to move around the tiny room that was slowly feeling more and more like a prison cell. He needed to be out there, working and seeing people; in this tiny room, he felt like a plant left without light.
It was on the morning of the fourth day, just after Victor's daily list of complaints from the doctor had been read out, that Phichit finally appeared. He paused in the doorway, like he was too nervous to go any further and his eyes averted Victor's in a way that made him think he had failed. However, the words that fell from his lips were the ones he had wanted to hear for days.
"You can see him. If you're well enough to walk."
It was such a different response to what he had expected that, at first, all he could do was blink at him. "Are you sure?"
Phichit nodded. "I'm sorry it took a while, it's been a… busy few days. But I finally got a proper chance to speak to Ciao Ciao this morning about it and he agreed to you coming to see him. Do you feel up to it?"
"Absolutely!" Victor beamed, his chest feeling lighter than it had for days. He knew his answer would have been the same, even if he was bedbound, and he suspected Phichit knew that too as he softly shook his head.
"Alright. I'll help you up. It's really not far."
Victor hated the fact that he needed some assistance to get up from the bed but in that moment, he was so happy that he didn't care. All he could think, as he was being carefully manoeuvred like an oversize puppet, was that he was going to see Yuuri. A part of him was scared; he knew Yuuri was in a bad way and he knew he would have been one of the first people to know if he had woken up. But if he could see him, he would at least know that he was still alive.
"Have you seen him?"
"Yes." Phichit said, taking Victor's arm and weight easily, like he weighed next to nothing. Victor felt pathetic having to lean on him like he was a walking stick but Phichit seemed to take it in his stride as they made their way out into the corridor. "Ciao Ciao spoke to the doctor and he said that Yuuri might need some help to wake up. If he hears a familiar voice or smells something he likes, then he might wake up. Ciao Ciao brought me in so we could think of ideas. We've been trying so many things, I've tried to make his favourite food from home but no one knows what it is supposed to taste or smell like…"
He carried on with other things they had tried, at first not noticing how Victor had gone stony silent. Victor's emotions might have shown on his face because Phichit was quick to jump into an explanation.
"We've tried everything except you Victor. We were hoping we wouldn't need to bring you in since you're also recovering and Ciao Ciao didn't want to worry you. You're our secret weapon, the big guns. If Yuuri doesn't wake up when he hears your voice, I'll get in a cage with one of Yuri's big cats."
His voice was upbeat but Victor could hear the underlying fear in every sound and movement Phichit made and he realised just how much was at stake. Phichit, and probably the rest of the circus, were counting on him being the key to Yuuri's recovery and he suddenly felt a great weight on his shoulders. If this didn't work… He swallowed back a surge of worry and forced himself forwards, making Phichit have to jog to keep up. He couldn't think that now. It had to work. He had to work. It was all going to be fine.
"We're here."
The door they stopped in front of was only a short walk down the corridor from Victor's own room but the distance had felt like miles. The door looked exactly like all the others along this stretch but Phichit withdrew from it like he was expecting it to attack him.
"I'll… leave you here. I'm sorry Victor. I don't think I…"
"It's alright Phichit. You've done more than enough." Victor smiled at him gratefully to show he meant every word. "Thank you."
Phichit smiled back. "You might not be thanking me later. But… you're welcome." He then turned and walked hurriedly away, leaving Victor alone with the door and his spiralling thoughts.
If he were honest, he was scared. He had wanted this for days but, now that he was here, he wasn't sure if it had been a good idea. The fact that Phichit had left so abruptly wasn't helping the churning feeling in his stomach. Still, he knew there was no chance he was walking away. He had to do this, even if it was going to hurt. He had to know.
Victor opened the door and leaned against the frame for a moment, exhausted. The small room was very similar to his own a few doors away, with bare walls and a sawdusty scent. There were a few more pieces of furniture as there was a chest of drawers by the side of the door and two chairs flanking the single bed like two guards on duty. The nearest one was empty but the other on the opposite side of the bed was occupied by a man as pale as a ghost. He looked so different that Victor at first thought it was a stranger sitting there. It took him a moment to realise that the colourless man was in fact, their ringmaster.
Ciao Ciao looked like a man drained of life. Dressed in a drab grey shirt and black trousers, he couldn't have looked more different from the flashy, confident man in scarlet and gold that led the circus every night. He sat hunched in a chair next to Yuuri's bed, his head bowed and his hands resting on the sheets in front of him. His hair was loose around his shoulders and it looked like it hadn't been tamed in days. His eyes were dark and turned to the head of the bed where Yuuri's head lay motionless on the pillow. Victor's eyes followed his sad gaze and a cry almost escaped his injured chest. Yuuri was there, still and pale, his black curls half-heartedly flopped onto the pillow and his beautiful eyes closed. His head was turned to the left and his mouth was slightly open, like he was just in a deep sleep. His bare shoulders were peeping over the top of the blanket and his arms lay on top of it, his calloused palms facing down and his fingers flat. Mercifully, the bed had been piled with enough thick woollen blankets that they completely covered Yuuri's legs, turning them into two vague lumps. Victor was thankful for that. He didn't know if he could bear seeing them after what Phichit said.
A second chair had been placed on the other side of the bed and Victor fell into it gratefully. He felt like a sledgehammer had been taken to his heart, like his ribs had been smashed all over again. He had expected it to be bad but his imagination had been far too kind to him.
"Yuuri…" He reached for one of Yuuri's hands and it was a relief to find it was warm. He took it and brought it to his lips, closing his eyes. He had almost forgotten there was another person in the room until Ciao Ciao spoke, his voice rough like he hadn't used it in years.
"I knew I wouldn't be able to keep you away for long." Ciao Ciao said with a wry smile that vanished as quickly as it had appeared. "How are you feeling?"
"Better." Victor responded, his eyes not looking up at him and his mind not focused on his words. Ciao Ciao could see how Victor's eyes were raking over Yuuri's face and sighed. That night at the theatre, when he had seen the two of them glowing with happiness felt like a lifetime ago now. What had happened in such a short space of time to bring that all crashing down?
"The doctor did tell me you were doing well." Ciao Ciao said with an attempted smile but he may as well have been talking to a brick wall. Victor gave a nod that was barely a response and Ciao Ciao gave up on trying to talk. What could he say that would make anything better?
There was a long silence that neither of them tried to fill. There was only a single bed between them but it may as well have been a wall. They each sat there by Yuuri's side, staring like the force of their gaze would wake him up. Victor's thumb was rubbing circles into the back of Yuuri's hand, his eyes focused intently on his face. His mouth opened but he didn't make a sound and he guiltily let it close. Ciao Ciao could understand the feeling. He had sat by Yuuri's side for hours and he still didn't know what to say. Words just didn't seem to be enough.
"Doctor said to keep him warm." Ciao Ciao said finally, his voice flat and lifeless. "All we can do is try and get some liquids into him but he won't drink. He's feverish and he's moaned a little when we've piled the blankets on to sweat it out but that's been it. I'm sure Phichit's told you, we've been trying everything we can think of to wake him but with no success. I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd worry… the doctor already told me that he was all you would ask him about."
Victor had to chuckle. "The poor man. I really hope you're paying him enough."
"You don't have to worry about that." Ciao Ciao replied earnestly. "If its what it takes to get you two back to health, it will all be worth it. How could I run this place without my creative director and my star act?"
His voice was jovial, like he was telling a joke, but Victor could tell he was genuine. For all his father said about him being cutthroat, he knew he would never abandon a friend. He had proved that here a thousand times over; you only needed to look at him to know how much he wanted them both to be well again. Victor smiled again before he spoke, his voice sincere. "Thank you for allowing me to stay here. I don't know how I can ever repay you."
"I should really be thanking you." Ciao Ciao said astonished, like the thought of Victor repaying him hadn't entered his head. "If it wasn't for you, I don't think Yuuri would be here right now. If he had hit the ground…"
The words caught in his throat, making him cough and his hands hurriedly went to his face to wipe at his eyes. "I don't think there would have ever been a circus if I hadn't met him. I found him on the streets as a boy. He was small and skinny and I could tell from his eyes he was scared out of his wits. I never had a wife and I never wanted children but when I saw his face, I couldn't leave him there. He was there was I first had this crazy idea, he was the one who assured me it would work and trained hard to help me make it real. Every time I thought about giving up or packing this business in for a quiet life, I would remember that face and I would think of how easily that could have been me on the streets if my upbringing had been different, if I looked different, how it could have been any one of my performers. Everyone here has a home thanks to Yuuri never giving up on me and now…"
His voice dried up into a croak. His face held the anguish of a man waiting to be broken. "If he dies, this circus may go with him. He's the heart of this place, how can you go on when the heart isn't beating?"
"I wish I knew." Victor looked down at the hand he was desperately holding on to and he had never felt more hopeless in his life. What would he do, what would they all do, if Yuuri were to die? Could he stay here, when everything would remind him of the love he had lost, the life he could have had? Would he always feel like there was a hole in his life, one no one else could ever fill? He knew already that nothing could ever take Yuuri's place. This was the man he had been willing to put everything on the line for. He was the one who had finally made him stand up to his parents, ignore what everyone else thought of him, given him the excitement he had been longing for. He had, in a sense, given him his life back. He thought back to what he had said to Ciao Ciao in their first conversation about him joining the circus. He had been tired, bored, his motivation lost and his aim just to survive in the bear pit that was high society. And now, because of Yuuri, he was freed from it all.
He looked back at the man's soft sleeping face and wondered if Yuuri knew just how grateful he was to him. He wished he had said so many more things to him. He wished he had promised him the world that night after the opera. He wished he had clung to him the way he had when he climbed up the wall of the circus and never let him out of his sight. He still remembered that night so perfectly, he knew he would treasure it for the rest of his life. He could remember clearly every word Yuuri had said to him, the look in his eyes and the way he had smiled when he spoke of happier times…
Victor's eyes went wide. His head snapped up and, for a second, he appeared to stop breathing. The idea had hit him so rapidly that he felt winded but he had never been more sure of anything in his life. He knew what he had to do.
He stood up abruptly, making Ciao Ciao jump a little in his seat and his ribs feel on the verge of snapping.
"I have to go." He said, turning away from the bed and moving towards the door as fast as he was able. "I know what will wake him up."
"Victor!" Ciao Ciao called out after him. He stood up from his chair but he was too late; somehow Victor was already at the door and he showed no signs of stopping. "Wait! What are you going to do?"
"Everything I can." Victor turned and gave him one last grim, determined smile before he disappeared from the other man's sight. His body was pulsing with pain but he barely felt it as he moved down the corridor, one hand on the wall and the other over his chest like he was swearing an oath. "I just hope its going to be enough. Please Yuuri… wait for me. Just wait a little longer…"
OOO
Yuuri wasn't sure how long he had been like this. He was aware that something was wrong, he just wasn't sure what. He was awake but he couldn't open his eyes and, when he tried, lifting his eyelids felt like trying to lift the whole circus building. He didn't know much but he knew somehow that he was hurt. Sometimes, he would feel it in his legs, a deep ache that seemed to settle in his bones, but then it would go away and he would just feel numb, like his body was a great heavy object that he had no control over. It felt like he was floating on the surface of a warm black sea and, every so often, he would slip under the waves and lose track of time and space entirely.
There were moments when he felt almost lucid, moments where he could hear voices and feel things on his skin. There was one where his body felt hot, like he had been put in an oven, and he could hear a voice yelling for more blankets. He had felt their weight on him and he had wanted to call out to them and ask them to stop but he felt too weak and eventually, he had slipped back into the darkness. At one point, he had thought he heard Victor's voice and felt a gentle hand on his own. He had wanted to respond, wanted to open his eyes and see if he was really there but again, he had felt too weak and he had drifted off before he knew it. He was tired, his body was hurt and heavy and he just wanted to sleep.
Days had become meaningless to him but he knew he had been like this for a while. When he tried to think of how he had gotten here, his mind would go hazy, like the events leading up to this point were shrouded in mist. Sometimes, he would get little snippets of memories that felt so real, it was like he was living them all over again. He would see the ring whizz past him as he performed on the trapeze, the wood and rope feeling rough and real under his fingers. He would see Phichit's hand reaching for his own and not quite making it, his face alight in panic as he tried to get closer. He would remember looking up at the ceiling, the lights too bright and the colours dazzling. He remembered thinking surprisingly calmly he was going to die but here he was, alive and somehow not at the same time.
He could remember other things as well. He could picture Victor's face, clear as daylight, remember the sweet things he had said and the night at the opera where he had moved heaven and earth to keep him at his side. However, he would also remember what Victor's father had said to him and he would want to curl up and disappear. No wonder Victor hadn't come to see him. That one time he had thought he was here must have been his own imagination. You couldn't play with something when it was broken after all.
He could sense when other people were in the room with him and he could easily tell who it was by little subtle signs. Ciao Ciao was there the most and was the easiest to pick up. He always sat by the right side of Yuuri's bed, he would pace around the room with loud rapid footsteps and he would always talk to Yuuri. He would tell him about the circus, how things were going, how everyone missed him and wanted him back. Phichit came less frequently and was quieter but Yuuri knew it was him from his softer slower footsteps and the way his breath would catch when he walked into the room. He never stayed for long but he would talk as well, his voice jumping from word to word like he couldn't get them out fast enough.
"You have to wake up, you hear me? I can't do as many acts as you and you promised to teach me one day! You have to keep your promises! And what I'm I going to do without you to annoy every day? You said you wanted a quiet life but you're going to have to do a lot more than that to get rid of me! I'm going to come in here and annoy you every day until you wake up!"
Other people had flitted in and out, most only staying for an hour or so. One he came to recognise as the doctor, a man with a slow voice and stumbling footsteps who lingered by his bed and prodded at him like he was meat on a butcher's counter. Chris came by a couple of times, so did Guang Hong and Georgi. Even Yuri had come but he had sat there silently before leaving. Yuuri had thought he had heard him crying but that must have been wrong. Yuri the untameable would never cry for someone like him.
When he was alone, awake with no one to listen to, he would wonder how long he would be like this. It couldn't go on forever. Sometimes, he would try to force himself awake, struggle to open his eyes, but his attempts were futile. He may as well have tried to reverse gravity. Still, he wondered, maybe it was better this way. If his legs were that badly hurt, he would be of no use to the circus anymore. Phichit could learn new tricks from someone else, new acts would come in and take his place. Everyone would be sad at first but they would heal and with time, they would all slowly forget him. And Victor… he wouldn't be sad if he had never cared. He would move onto the next thing and Yuuri would just be a memory. He hoped he would be a nice one.
It was then, in one of those moments where he was losing hope, that he faintly heard the door move and someone slipped into his room. His ears pricked at the sound. He hadn't heard these footsteps before but they were still vaguely familiar. They were very light, like the person making them was barely touching the ground, and before he knew it, he could feel their presence by the side of his bed.
"Yuuri?" A gentle, heavy-accented voice spoke his name and Yuuri felt something brush his cheek. The touch was as light as a feather and Yuuri wanted to lean into it. The voice was continuing to speak to him and as the words flowed, Yuuri realised there were more people in the room. Another voice had joined in, this one deeper and more masculine and as they spoke to him, Yuuri could feel something change. His body, which before had been stiff and rigid as a coffin, felt lighter than air and with every word, he felt like he was floating upwards towards the surface of the sea.
"Yuuri?" There were more words, words he understood but he wasn't sure how. There was another voice there too, a rougher voice than the one he remembered but one he was certain he knew. He could feel tears on his face and, as the chorus around his bed grew more excited, he finally opened his eyes.
The soft light of the room was, at first, blinding. It took him a moment to separate the four cream walls and the ceiling as his eyes leaked more water that his throat was aching for. His mouth was dry and his tongue felt wooden but as he looked up at the three silhouettes surrounding his bed, he was still able to croak out the first words he had said in days.
"Mama? Papa? Marie?"
At first, he didn't think they were real. He wondered if he had finally died and this was Heaven but the squeeze of his cheeks from his joyous mother's hands made him realise that they were real, that they really were here in front of him. He stared at them intently like they might disappear at any second. Time had clearly had an effect on them; the lines in his parent's faces were deeper, their dark hair marred by soft lines of grey like spiderweb. His sister was taller, with shorter hair and a weather-beaten face that looked like it had seen things it never wanted to. Right now, however, she was smiling, her eyes spilling with diamond-like tears and Yuuri could see the teenager that had protected him when he was a boy in those eyes.
"Sister!" He held out his arms to her, to them all, and his family hugged him tightly, laughter mingling with their tears. He fell back into Japanese as easily as an embrace. He hadn't spoken it in so long, he had thought he had forgotten it but it flowed from his tongue effortlessly as he was surrounded.
All of them were crying now, even Yuuri's father, and the language he hadn't spoken in years suddenly filled the room.
"Yuuri! Where have you been my child?"
"We were so worried about you!"
"I thought we'd never see you again…"
"How?" Yuuri eventually was able to ask, the single word slowing the babble of words. "How did this happen? How did you find me?"
"It was a miracle. We've been trying for so long." His mother started explaining, her hand still caressing his hair and face like she couldn't bear to let it go. "After we were forced from this country, we had nothing but the moment we could, we came straight back. We tried to find out what had happened to you but nobody had seen you since that night we were sent away and we had no idea where you had gone. We went to Detroit because there was a rumour that you may have gone west…"
"Detroit?" Yuuri repeated.
"Yes." His father interjected. "We were able to set up a small business there, we have our own little shop now. I import stock in from our homeland and your sister runs the counter and manages the accounts. It's not a patch on our old bathhouse but we built it all, it's all our own work and no one else's."
He puffed his chest out with pride. They had etched out their own little life in this country and Yuuri couldn't have been more proud of them. "Your mother still makes the best katsudon, we have people come from all over the city just for a bowl. We hoped that somewhere along the line someone would have heard of you but we heard nothing. We had an advert up in the front of our shop and we put them in the paper but we never heard anything. But then we got this telegram out of the blue saying that you were here and you needed us. At first, we thought it was some kind of scam but then we spoke to Victor-"
"You spoke to Victor?!"
"Yes and he told us what you had been doing all these years. We didn't believe him at first but then he showed us these circus posters…"
There was a sudden noise from the doorway and four heads turned to see a figure standing there in stunned silence, his hands over his mouth and his eyes sparkling with tears. Victor was leaning heavily against the frame, his legs shaking beneath him as he struggled not to slump to the floor. The Katsukis were staring at him as they took a step back from the bed but he didn't even notice their curious gazes. His eyes were only on Yuuri, only staring at his face where his eyes were once again open and Yuuri had never felt such a rush of emotion. He knew what Victor had done and it vanquished that tiny cruel voice in his head for good. He had brought his family to him, given him the one thing he had thought was lost forever. And, all at once, he could feel his insecurities melting away like wax off a flaming candle. How had he ever doubted this man in the first place?
Wordlessly, he held his arms out to him and Victor didn't need any more invitation. He launched himself towards the bed, barely feeling the pain that ripped through him as he fell into the space next to him on the blankets. He didn't dare collapse onto Yuuri, he knew his body would be fragile after being asleep for so long but when Yuuri's arms engulfed him and pulled him close, he didn't feel fragile at all. He was solid and real, his arms as strong and warm as he remembered, and Victor found that he was weeping into Yuuri's shoulder. He felt Yuuri's arms wrap around him even tighter, murmuring soft words into his silver hair and he just wept harder.
"I thought I'd never see you again." He just managed to whisper between sobs and Yuuri pulled back from him a little, enough to smooth his hair and run his thumbs over his wet cheeks.
"I know darling, I know." He said softly, his voice quiet and straining from lack of use. He turned to look at his family, expecting them to be shocked, but they don't look surprised at all. His mother was even smiling and she chuckled when she caught sight of his confused face.
"We could tell he loved you when he started talking about you." She explained. She sighed, a deep heartfelt sound that seemed to swell in the room, and when she carried on speaking, her voice was struggling to stay together. "It fills my heart with such joy to know that my son was so treasured. I had so many worries about what had happened to you, whether anyone had taken you in. I had nightmares where I saw you all alone… now I'm so happy that I know that you were looked after."
"Mama…" Yuuri could hardly speak. A sob was catching in his dry papery throat, making him feel like he was choking. He was surprised that he had any tears in his body left to cry and all he could do was hope that his brimming eyes could show her all the things he wanted to say but couldn't. From the way she was rubbing at her own round cheeks, he believed they did.
"Alright." She said, almost with a laugh as she scanned her brown eyes, very like Yuuri's own, around the room. "Where is that ringmaster of yours? I need to give him a thousand thank yous for looking after you so well."
"He may be in his office." Victor hesitantly spoke up. "I don't think he knows that Yuuri is awake yet…"
"Then we must tell him at once!" Mrs Katsuki, with the efficiency of a general, started ushering the rest of her family out of the small room, ignoring their protests as she shoved them out of the door. "We'll be back soon!"
Yuuri wasn't sure if he saw correctly but he could have sworn his mother winked at him as she left the room and closed it firmly behind her. That left Victor and Yuuri alone, both still sitting up on the bed and with their arms loosely holding each other. Yuuri was suddenly very aware of the fact that he was shirtless and part of him wanted to dive under the blankets but he couldn't pull his eyes away from Victor who was staring at him like he held all the stars in the universe.
"How… how do you feel?" Victor asked him, his voice hushed. It seemed like such a small insignificant question to convey his meaning and he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the answer voiced aloud.
"I… I'm not quite sure yet." Yuuri answered with what could have been a laugh or a sob. "I don't think my brain has caught up with my body yet. My chest hurts and my legs…" His mouth made noiseless shapes as he tried to think of what to say that wouldn't upset him. "I know they're bad. When I was asleep, I could feel they were hurting and I caught little bits of what the doctor said. I know I might never walk again. I know they told you that as well."
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine. I will be fine." Yuuri said with a small forced smile. "If it happens, it happens and I'll have to be the one to make peace with it. But I won't give in without a fight."
"I know you won't. You're stronger than anyone else I know. You'll probably be back in the air in a few months, giving us all a heart attack!"
They both laughed, the bubbling sound escaping their throats unguardedly, before Victor sighed, his head drooping like a willow branch. "I'm sorry Yuuri."
"You have nothing to be sorry about." Yuuri cupped Victor's face in both his hands and drew him closer. Their foreheads touched and it forced Victor to look deep into his eyes. "It was my fault I fell. I was so wrapped up in my own head that I made a stupid mistake but it was nobody else's. If it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't be here. I owe you everything."
Victor's shaky breaths were dancing on his face, making the trails of tears cool on his skin. "What happened that day Yuuri? What were you thinking about that made you that upset?"
Yuuri's eyes looked down, his hands falling into his lap as he kept his forehead pressed on Victor, the pressure being the only thing keeping him upright. "It seems so ridiculous now, after what you did for me…"
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"No. You deserve to know what it was, as it involved you." Yuuri felt embarrassed saying it and he kept his eyes down as he spoke. He recounted the conversation he had with Victor's father, listening to the gasps and hisses that spilled from the other man's mouth. When he had finally finished, Victor was silent and he leaned back a little to try and gauge his reaction. Victor's mouth was set in a grim line and his brow was creased.
"I should have known he would try and pull something like this." He growled out. "I should have guessed when he showed up at the circus that he wasn't just there to threaten me."
"He threatened you?"
"Not just threatened." Victor gave a sour laugh. "He disowned me."
"No!" Yuuri looked shocked. "He can't have done! Oh Victor, I'm so sorry…"
"Don't be. It was a long time coming." Victor looked at him thoughtfully and Yuuri suddenly felt like a painting being studied for every detail. "What he told you… some of it was true, in the past. These past few years, I have been flitting from one thing to another, travelling all over the place but I never stayed for long. I must have left so much hurt and heartbreak behind because I was searching for something and I didn't even know what it was. Nothing ever stuck, nothing ever felt right… until you. I knew it was you the first moment I saw you on that trapeze. After that… I was done. You were it for me."
Yuuri could feel his heart pounding like he was back up in the air again. Was it possible for your heart to explode with love? It sure felt like it now.
"I'm sorry." Yuuri said with a sigh. "I never should have let his words get to me. If I had just walked away…"
"You didn't know he would be so vindictive. I should have warned you."
"It shouldn't have mattered." Yuuri said firmly. "I shouldn't have cared what any of them thought of me, what they thought of us. I've spent so long being afraid of what everyone else thought of me that I nearly let it ruin the best thing I've ever had. I never should have given them so much power… they were never that important. I always knew I wanted to run to you, from the first moment I saw you when I was on the trapeze. I remember it too. I never should have let anything get in the way of that."
"Yuuri." Victor whispered, almost on the verge of crying again. "You don't know how long I've wanted to hear you say that."
Yuuri smiled. "I'm only sorry I kept you waiting."
"It doesn't matter now." Victor grinned. It was astonishing to think that only a few short months ago, his life had seemed so tired and colourless that he had compared it to a king living alone in an ivory tower. In that time, Yuuri had brought all those walls crashing down and he lay in the ruins, happier than he had ever been. The world could have been falling down around him and he wouldn't have cared. Everything he needed was right there in front of him.
"From now on, we make our own destinies." Yuuri said. "No more hiding, no more pretending."
"Yes." Victor clutched his hand tighter as he brought Yuuri's fingers up to his lips and chuckled. "You know, Ciao Ciao was right all along."
"About what?"
"He told me once that all the lost can be found in the crown of the circus king." He said, smiling as he drew him in for a lingering kiss. "And you were the one I was meant to find."
