[WARNING: THIS CHAPTER DEALS WITH HEAVY TOPICS LIKE SCHOOL SHOOTINGS, IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THAT SORT OF THING, SKIP PARGRAPH FIVE WHICH IS MARKED WITH -]

Okay so it's been a week since my last chat with Devil of Hell's Kitchen, (somehow it still sounds cooler than my nickname but I digress) the guy really gave me a new perspective, he's right... New York can go a few months without the Web Head. I just don't know, it doesn't feel right, I feel like I'm committing a crime right now, I'm currently laying on my be eating doritos drenched in nacho cheese, I guess it's because I've been doing this for so long that the idea of doing anything else scares me. It's like I've developed Stockholm Syndrome. Funnily enough, none of my usual sparring partners have broken out of the Raft lately, saw on the news that Alchemax has designed new locks on each cell and even donated a humble 80 million to all upstate security systems, even some of the mom and pop joints got some treatment. The world is moving on without me, without Spider-Man, I know it's selfish but I feel left out, unappreciated. I know I shouldn't think like this, but I do.

I should call Liz, I should try again. If I don't, I'll keep feeling like I'm shouldering the universe, I'll keep feeling heavy. I love her, she knows... knew. Everything is falling apart, I'm in my last year of college at ESU, man, I should've went to parties more. Liz was-- is my everything. When I do decide to stop being a pussy and call her again, I hope she'll listen, I was scared — scared of what would happen if I did tell her. She doesn't understand, the last time... The last time I told anyone that, the world lost Captain Stacy... and I lost his daughter shortly after. Maybe this time things can be different, I'm just so damn scared of repeating the same mistake. But I was unfair to her, in hindsight, I know that now. I love her.

I haven't seen Harry in three years, me and him aren't on the best of terms, he's the only person who isn't a superhero who knows who I-- well... Who Spider-Man is. But he hasn't tried to kill me yet so I guess that's the positive of a sea of negatives.

I need a new suit, and a new journal, the one I'm writing in right now is plum full of unfinished designs and sketches, I was never the artist so I waste a lot of paper, I've got 5 pages left. I tried something new this year, red and black, It's a bit corny but the others seemed to like it, Nat said it looked unique, but I think she was just trying to be nice — or she just likes red and black. The only problem I'm having is Tony's new lenses, the AR systems are fine but every couple of hours they twitch a bit and it makes me look like I'm having a seizure, or an orgasm. I'm running out of baby powder for the chafing, gotta pick that up later.

[-]

I love being Spider-Man, it's the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. But sometimes I wonder if I didn't use my powers, if I stayed silent, if I'd have been able to live a normal life... with Gwen... Maybe Ben wouldn't have died, maybe May would've lived longer. I could've been normal. But I know that all the good I did... all thing things I've suffered, it's for a reason. I don't do this for me, Matt reminded me, I do this for the kid on the rooftop, the single mother worried about her son getting home from school safe because of a shooter, the construction worker who works a minimum wage, the injured cop. All the good I did, all the good I do, isn't for nothing, and that comforts me just a little bit.

I am Spider-Man, that won't change. I can't stop helping people because my personal life is a clusterfuck. It'll get better, it has to. I'm considering joining a team, maybe get out of this apartment, I've been in the Avengers, not what the make it out to be, too many floors, got lost on the first day in the tower, I quit. Maybe the X-Men'll let me join up, I know I'm not technically a mutant, but I became one essentially. And hey, I heard they're inclusive so that shoots my chances up to 20%. Plus, that mansion, I mean holy shit, the cartoon does not do it justice.

Anyways, I'm getting writers block so I'm gonna hit the hay tonight, hopefully I can figure out what I'm gonna do tomorrow, now that I'm on vaycay.