Thank you for reading. I really hope that you will like this new chapter. You have all been so kind and patient and I want to deliver and not disappoint after so long. I actually feel very nervous about the next few chapters because of the expectations and that it's different slightly to what I've written before. There also isn't much to work on from the show in that regard.
I also wanted to say that while there is going to be a large romantic element to the next few chapters the rating for the story isn't going to change. There will be nothing explicit.
One last thing in the last chapter I forgot to describe or mention the link to the dress Morgana wears in this chapter and the last chapter. The link is in my profile next to cream dress.
For a second, the briefest second before her mind had a chance to register what had happened Merlin was sure he felt Morgana return the kiss. Then she suddenly pulled back and with a harsh blow to his chest pushed him away. He accepted that because he deserved that. If it was all she was willing to give, could give then he would be grateful to have had that brief second.
"What are you doing." Morgana hissed as she tried to calm her racing heart and her mind tried to make any sense of what had happened.
Merlin lifted his hand up in surrender and took a step back, trying to make her feel more comfortable. "I'm sorry-"
"Sorry."
"Yes, I shouldn't have-"
Morgana raised her hand to silence him. "When exactly did you lose you mind."
"Morgana-"
"Was it before or after Arthur found out." Morgana accused. Focusing in on the one thing that made what happened make any sense.
"No, it has nothing to do with that." Morgana didn't look convinced. "Not entirely." He added reluctantly.
In the split second when he decided that his the best course of action was to kiss Morgana, rather than talk to her first, he told himself that he was going to be honest with her about everything. As impulsive as the act had been at least he had thought a part of it through.
"No...This doesn't make any sense." The witches mind still couldn't make any sense of the situation.
"What." It was Now Merlin's turn to be utterly confused. "I think its quite simple actually." Seeing the look Morgana shot him he realised humour was not the best idea right now. She needed answers, for him to be honest with her. That was always what she had needed from him and normally he was not completely honest with her. He wanted that to change. But where to start, the beginning seemed like the best place.
"From the first time I saw you." He answered her last question. "The day I arrived in Camelot. You where watching from a window as a young man was executed."
"Thomas Collins." She said sadly.
They both remembered well the execution of the young man who was like them. It had been the first execution they had both witnessed. They wished it would have been the last as well as the first. Morgana had lived most of her life in Camelot but had made a point to avoid the few executions that took place after she was old enough to understand what was going on. This had been the first that she tried to watch. Hoping that it might lessen her fear but she had to look away. Thinking back now she thought how naive she had been back then. She could not have imagined back then that one day, just a few years later she would stand in the same place as Thomas Collins. She also had no idea that anyone had noticed her at the window, let alone someone that would have such a impact on her life as Merlin had in both a positive and negative way.
Merlin nodded as he carried on. "You looked away and I felt some hope that there was someone in Camelot that didn't hate magic and wished everyone with it dead."
Morgana had never thought about how much of a risk Merlin took when he choice to make a life in Camelot. Under the same roof no less as the man that ordered the deaths of those with magic. How terrified Hunith must have been as she watched her son walk voluntarily into the loins den. How scared she must have been for him to think that Camelot was a safer place for him. She was a very brave women or a very stupid on. With a son like Merlin it could be both, but she felt it was the former.
"His poor mother. To watch your child die." As she spoke her voice broke a little as her heart began to race as a pure and deep fear washed over her.
Merlin quickly understood what was causing her pain. "Mordred and Kara are safe and well. About to build a life together." Morgana nodded. Merlin braved placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. Which she didn't shack off immediately. "Aithusa is safe too."
"I miss her so much." Morgana admitted.
She never let herself think about the beautiful, pure baby dragon. It hurt to much. The hardest thing she had ever had to do was send Aithusa away to protect her. She couldn't trust that Nimueh wouldn't try and use the white dragon to hurt her again. She couldn't be the reason that beautiful creature suffered. That had been years ago. She hoped that she had continued to grow and thrive now that she lived free and wasn't constricted in pits and hovels any longer. She could spread her wings literally and fly.
"I don't think something as special as her could ever truly be safe here. But in Avalon." Merlin offered. "I know you'll find a way."
"I hope so."
The nature of their conversation had completely changed in a few seconds. Merlin was in two minds about if he should let this natural, easy conversation continue or if he should bring them back to where the conversation had started. He wondered if Morgana was maybe trying to give him and herself too a out. To forget about everything. A part of him was grateful for the chance to turn back form the conversation path he had sent them down. Without having any real idea about where it would lead them. A larger part of him though knew that he couldn't turn back. He had to see it through to the end. He would regret it for the rest of his life if he didn't take this chance to truly be honest with Morgana. Keeping this and many other things from her before had caused so much pain. He wouldn't let that happen again.
"You were the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Still are." He said meaning it. Even as she stood in front of him in a simple cream dress that was a little to cold for the time of year, but it was all she had. She shock his hand off her shoulder. "And the saddest." He added. "I didn't understand then what could make you feel, look so sad and helpless." Morgana fidgeted under his insightfulness. "Then, you thought I was Gwen and you talked about what dress you were going to wear that nights." A smile crossed their faces as they remembered their first interaction. Though it was not until much later that Morgana realised that was what it had been. "I couldn't understand how someone that looked so sad could be so invested in what dress she wore."
"Priorities."
"Pretending." Merlin countered. "You didn't want Gwen to worry about you. You were playing the part that was expected of you. Yet you found a way to twisted it around to aggravate Uther." Morgana smiled proudly. Merlin felt bold. "You made the right choice." Morgana looked confused "The dress."
At first Morgana was a little taken aback by Merlin being so direct, but she was beginning to rather enjoy it. It made such a change form the half truths and the guarded way they both spoke with each other most of the time. Frightened that the tentative truce that they had might be broken if they disagreed on something important. "You were pretending too."
Merlin couldn't argue her fair point. "Not always. Not about the things that matter."
"Then we have very different definitions about things that matter."
"Not about the fact that I cared about you and Gwen, even Arthur, that you are my friends."
Morgana wanted to bite back, but she choose to stay silent. That would just leave them going over the same things, going in circles again. That would get them nowhere, it never did. This she knew was a opportunity to really talk that they would maybe not have again. Like the conversation they had the night she revealed that she knew of his magic. When they for a single, split second could feel, understand what the other had gone though. It had been to much all at once that they couldn't take it all in. It was the strongest emotions and memories that they could focus on. She was sure though that she hadn't felt anything that made what Merlin had just done and said make sense.
"I didn't feel, when we felt, saw each other..." She struggled for the right words, but Merlin nodded that he understood what she was trying to say.
"I don't think I really ever let myself...I didn't let myself think or truly feel what I felt because...What would have been the point." Morgana gave him a look like he had just said the most illogical thing she had ever heard. "You were the kings ward, I was a servant. There was no way I could have told you."
"Gwen was a servant and Arthur was a prince, future king. Now she is queen."
She made a good point, but it was nowhere near as simple as that. They both knew that. It was her tone though that got his attention more than her words. They sounded slightly hurt. Hurt that he hadn't been brave enough, cared enough, just been enough to try. Did that mean that she wanted him to have tried. A spike of hope grow in him, but he cautiously tampered it down. He needed to choose his words carefully and treed even more carefully.
"I didn't think there was reason to hope. That things could-"
"There is always reason to hope."
Again it was her tone he needed to focus on not her words. Her words gave him reason to hope as she said, but he tone was mocking.
"I was a coward, Is that what you want me to say." He snapped.
"I want the truth, so yes that's exactly what I want you to say."
It was now anger that grew quickly, but Merlin took a deep breath and let it pass.
"As I got to know you better I thought you were, still are the bravest person I have ever known."
Morgana didn't say anything in reply, just gave a shrug. What at the end of the day did that matter in regards to what they were talking about. She didn't need or want complements and flattery. What she wanted and needed from him was the same thing she always had, the truth. So that was what he would give her.
"I would rather have had your friendship than nothing at all."
"You got nothing, well hate for a long time."
For the briefest second a smile crossed their faces. As strange as it was they had to laugh about it now.
"At least you were alive." He said before thinking.
The words, I wasn't because of you. Wanted to leave her mouth, but again she held back. Knowing that it would get them nowhere. Instead she choose to bring up another topic that was equally sensitive, but she had to know exactly what Merlin was thinking, had been thinking to make sense of everything.
"You loved Freya-"
"I did." Merlin agreed quickly. "I think part of the reason I loved her was because she reminded me of you. A you that I could help. At least try to."
"You can't blame yourself. You did everything you could." Morgana comforted.
She hadn't brought Freya up to hurt Merlin. She was trying a to make a point. That he had truly loved Freya and therefore didn't let anything stop him from being honest with her, showing her how he felt. He had loved her enough to be willing to leave Camelot and his destiny to be with her. Whatever he might feel for her, it was not the same thing. Merlin, who was becoming frighteningly good at understanding what she was saying, without her having to actually say it, knew swiftly what she was hinting at.
"No, It's not the same thing-"
"No because that was real-"
"Not speak to me like a child. I know how I feel."
"And how's that. Because you haven't actually said it." Her voice grew more confident, surer as she went on. Convinced that she was right. That she had made sense of everything.
"Morgana-"
She cut him off before he had a chance to say anything else. Anything that it would he harder to take back than what had already been said.
"All you've done is...is kiss me. You've said nothing-"
"I love you Morgana. I always have been, even when I didn't let myself acknowledge it. I think you've always know that too, even when you didn't want to acknowledge it either." As he spoke Merlin could see Morgana finally taking in what he was saying for the first time. She started to believe him. "I'm in love with you Morgana."
He let his words hang in the air between them. She needed time to process them. For her to finally accept what he was telling her and what they meant. Morgana seemed calm at first, but as he watched her he saw that she was breathing faster. He was about to take a step forward, try and say something, but she moved first. Punching hard the side of his face.
"Something else you could have said to me years ago that would have changed everything." She said in a low cold voice
Morgana moved to leave, done with the conversation that had ended up back where it always seemed to. Ignoring the pain in his check that he was gentley touching Merlin in a panic gripped her hand as she passed him.
"I'm sorry, but please-"
"It doesn't matter how you feel, have felt." Rather than pulling her arm free Morgana took a step closed. "Not if I don't feel the same. Then it means nothing. Just one more secret you've kept for to long."
He let her arm go. For a brief second Morgana's face lifted to a slight grin, feeling as if she had won something. That they had been having a battle of words. It fell away just as quickly as it rose, because what had she won. What could either of them win. There could never truly be any winners when it came to the two of them. There was just the one that walked away with the lest pain.
"If I could go back and change things for you, us then I would. In a heartbeat. But I can't. I have to live with the choices that I've made and so do you." Merlin said sincerely.
Morgana didn't look angry anymore, just tired. "What was the point in telling me, in all of this." She wanted to ask, what he wanted from it, but it was to close to the same question that they had been going over for the last few hours.
"No point, I just...I needed to tell you. I don't expect anything from you."
"Why, why was it so important for me to know. It doesn't change anything."
"It could." he said so quietly Morgana almost didn't hear him.
Morgana looked at Merlin with a look of pity now. "You can't really think that...that anything could happen. Not after everything."
"Why not."
"Where do you want me to start." She laughed at the absurdity of it all.
"The only reason, the only reason that matters is that you don't feel the same way. All the rest doesn't matter, not if we don't want it to." He carried on talking about he had said his main point. Wanting to drag what she was going to say next for as long as he could. Because until then he could live with a little hope.
Morgana stayed silent for a while. Seconds that felt like hours. It was almost impossible for Merlin to tell what she was thinking or feeling. When she lifted her eyes to met his they showed the emotion he most feared showing, pity.
"I feel main different things for you." She finally said. "No one had had a bigger impact for good and bad on my like than you." They smiled a little, at a joke that only they could understand. "But one of them I'm afraid isn't love." Then she quickly corrected herself. "Not in the way you wish."
Believing that the conversation was done she turned and started to leave.
Merlin however didn't think they were finished. Something in Morgana's eyes told him that she was not being entirely honest with him or herself.
"I don't believe you." He said as he moved to follow her. Catching up with her quickly and stepping in front of her.
Morgana tried to step around him as she told him. "I don't care what you believe."
He let her continue to walk, but walked beside her.
"Everybody tells me that I should forget about you. That you don't deserve me. Their right." Morgana looked hurt and took a step to the side to further distance them, but stopped walking. "You don't deserve me." Seeing the hurt and confusion Merlin realised that he had better explain himself better. "You don't deserve me overwhelming you with my feelings. You didn't deserve me holding so much back from you."
"Merlin, you've said that before. Different words, but the same meaning. Nothings changed." She said and began to turn away.
Reaching out he took hold of her arm and carried on talking. "But I deserve you." The look she shot him now was almost funny, if he wasn't more aware of his chest racing in his chest and his mouth becoming very dry. "I deserve you forcing me to face my mistakes and be accountable."
"So this...Whatever you hope to gain from this, would be penance." Morgana said as she once again began to think she understood fully now what was really going on. "How Romantic." She pulled her arm free.
"No, I didn't mean that."
"Then what did you mean." When he didn't answer right away she carried on. "Please just get it out. What you want to say so we can move on." She sounded tired.
"You understand me, know me better than anyone else. You make me questions things that I took for granted like my destiny. You challenge me in ways that I need. You have made me braver with trusting people, taking chances. Yes I loved Freya for exactly who she was. But Part of what drew me to her in the beginning was that she did remind me of you. She was alone and scared and while I was to scared to truly try and help you for many different reasons, I could help her. I know that you love Gwaine in the only way that you can let yourself. And as much as you don't want to admit it part of what you love in him is that he doesn't ask anything of you. You don't have to give him any real part of yourself that matters. But with us its different. We can't help but he ourselves with each other and that is rare and special. Something like that shouldn't be ignored or thrown away."
"What are you saying." Morgana asked in a voice almost like a whisper.
"I'm saying that I am done being told what I have to do, what's expected of me. Being scared of trying to have the things I want. So I'm asking you to give us a chance."
Morgana's mouth opened a little as everything she wanted to say fought to leave her mouth, but nothing would come out. She had no words. Her head was spinning, trying to find something sold, something that made sense to hold onto, something steady to balance herself so she didn't lose her footing. It all felt so unreal.
"I don't think I can." She was finally able to get out and her words shocked her a little.
Feeling bold Merlin reached out and took Morgana's left hand in his. "I think it's worth trying."
"I don't know...this is all so...I don't know."
As she spoke Morgana took her hand from Merlin's and lifted both to hold her head that was now beginning to ache.
"We don't have to have all the answers now." He said comfortingly.
Morgana nodded while she tried to work her way back through the conversation to find out how they had ended up where they had. She couldn't make any sense out of it. She never would have guessed that their conversation, that started really as an argument would end where it did. Merlin took her hand in his again and again she didn't pull it away.
"There's one question that I would be very grateful if you could answer sooner rather than later." He said.
"What's that."
He smiled a bright smile. "Will you marry me."
Hope that you like the new chapter. Morgana is my favourite character, but I never wanted there to be any character shilling or Mary sue stuff. I have tried to make all the characters flawed, but mostly descent people. That are right as often as they can be wrong. So please let me know if I'm favouring any character. I also hope that the chapter wasn't to boring being a lot of talking. I wanted to have this one long conversation that got all of the relationship stuff out in the open. That kind of goes over all of their history together. The better wittier would have paced it out rather dumping it all into one chapter. I kind of felt though that with everything that has happened between them in the past this made more sense. That they would hold it in till they let it out in one big conversation. I'm also a little worried that Merlin maybe is out of character so if you have any ideas or comments about that, that would be great.
As always any comments, feedback or ideas are very welcome.
