Akira is overwhelmed
Again, Akira sought solace in her early morning coffees.
She'd spent the previous two days hiding in her room—at her request, even Amon had left her alone—but she couldn't stand to be stuck in there with her thoughts much longer.
So, she made an educated guess about the sweet spot early in the morning between when the more nocturnal ghouls went to bed and everyone else started waking up. Peeking out of her room, she snuck into the hall and found her way to the blessedly empty coffee area.
When she had nearly finished her drink, Touka wandered into the room, yawning. "Morning. Nice to see you finally crawled out of your lair."
"Do not start with me this morning," she warned. "I didn't talk to Amon, I'm definitely not going to you for therapy."
"I just want some caffeine." As she spoke she picked up one of the remaining bags of coffee with a frown. "We're running low. I wanna get my hands on some Kona coffee next time anyone does a resupply."
The agitated blonde tried to pull back her defensiveness. She was being too combative too early in the morning. "Where's the bunny?"
"Still asleep. Kaneki, too. I didn't want to wake them up."
Once the ghoul had her own coffee in hand, Akira asked a burning question. "I know you were joking about having a baby during a crisis, but…aren't you ever scared?"
"Yeah." Touka was quiet for a moment. She took a few sips of her beverage. "Not just of the CCG, but of her trying to eat something she finds on the ground and choking, or starting to crawl when I'm not looking and hurting herself…"
Akira slouched. "The world is a dangerous place."
"But I think…maybe…I like being scared of losing people more than being safe and alone. So, yeah, I'm really scared for her all the time, but as long as I remember the good parts it's not so overwhelming." She looked around the cavern. "You might not believe it, but even down here I think she's got it better than me and Ayato did as kids."
"Really?"
Touka nodded. "Our parents kept us a lot more isolated. It was for our safety, but we spent so much time hiding from other ghouls and our human neighbors…Ichika's always been surrounded by humans and ghouls who are good to her. There's so many people around who make her laugh and play with her…That's incredible."
Another long, slow moment passed.
Touka glanced at Akira and finally spoke up. "I've still gotta ask the really annoying question. You ready yet?"
Akira waved her hand imperiously. "Let's get it over with."
"How are you doing?"
Akira grimaced. Almost everyone who knew her by name down here had knocked on her door and tried to ask her some version of that. There was no escaping it. "We all kill so easily…most of the time it's forgotten in days or hours…but every once in a while, there's a death that…"
Touka nodded. "A death that rattles you. I know exactly what you mean."
Akira rubbed at her hand again. It was feeling much better today. "Everywhere I go, I think I'm right from where I'm standing, but I'm just repeating the same actions."
"Like I said. It's better to care than to not care…even if caring hurts a lot more. At least it means you're not a monster."
Putting aside her empty cup, the former investigator pursed her lips, deep in thought. "How do you do it? You're not heartless monsters like the CCG believes. Well, some of you aren't. And yet…how do you live with it…needing to eat people?"
"You want me to be honest?"
Akira nodded.
"Have you ever been so hungry you thought you were going to die from it?"
"No. I suppose that means I've been more fortunate than a lot of people."
Touka took a deep breath. "That burnt brown stuff you eat isn't food to me. Doesn't look like it, barely smells like it. I'll settle for the cold, dead meat from a fridge if I don't want to deal with a fresh kill, but it's a major step down. We want warm, bloody, still-twitching meat. That's what I think about when I get hungry. What you have to do to get that kind of meat, though…I suppose I always excused it by thinking it was kind of like self-defense. It's me or them, and I always picked me."
It's me or them, thought Akira. That's one way to make yourself okay with it. Though Touka's words recalled a vivid memory of her hand, wrapped around the knife, with that child's hot blood running down her arm. How fast that blood had gone cold and sticky.
"I'd change it if I could, but…I've still got to live in the shitty world we have, not some dream world," Touka sighed. Then she perked up and stared off to the side, but it took a couple more seconds before Akira could pick up what she'd alerted to.
The sound of footsteps echoed into the room ahead of the person making them. Touka and Akira watched the entrance.
It was just Kaneki, carrying Ichika. They both had matching bedhead and yawns.
"There you are," he said.
Touka smiled brightly at him, any trace of the preceding conversation wiped away. "Good morning."
His response was mumbled. "Is…coffee?"
"Sure, but only because you asked nicely."
He sat next to her, but still looked about to fall back asleep.
He probably had less than fifteen minutes before others started filtering in for coffee and breakfast, and with that would come an unending stream of people vying for his attention and pulling him in a million different directions.
There wasn't much she could do to help with any of those burdens, so she helped where she could. Without a word, Akira grabbed Ichika out of his arms. Just until he gets a little caffeine in him.
Ichika gave a squeaky yawn and grinned up at Akira, trying to reach for a strand of long blonde hair just out of reach.
Akira had never gone out of her way to ingratiate herself to the child, and yet, for reasons she'd never understood, she was one of Ichika's favorite people. At least she's behaving normally around me today. I guess that's the nice thing about pets and young children—they're not too judgmental as long as you give them food and attention.
She thought of Hinami and that Oggai boy—so young when they'd been set on the path to being killers or victims, or both—and whatever role Akira had played in that, it wasn't "none at all."
Soon Touka had set a cup of coffee on the table and taken back Ichika, and Kaneki had slowly sipped his coffee as he stared at Akira.
"What is it," she said in a flat voice, hoping she wouldn't have to repeat any of her conversation with Touka.
"Probably not what you think." Kaneki sighed and dragged a hand down his face. He looked exhausted, stretched too thin and carrying too much weight. She knew the feeling. "I'm thinking about another mission for you, Akira."
"Are you going to finally give me a rifle?"
"Not that kind of mission. It's more about figuring out an information blackout that's been bothering me, about the history of the CCG. And I think you'd do a good job keeping Ayato on track."
She raised an eyebrow. "What the hell kind of job would you put me and Ayato on together?"
Her feet took her to Amon's room, almost automatically.
He was there, sitting on his pallet and flipping through a book.
She tried to sound casual. "What are you up to?"
He held up the cover. The design looked very dated, like it was at least a few decades old.
"Fires on the Plain. A little bleak, though, isn't it?"
Amon set the book aside. "Yes. I tried reading a couple of the Takatsuki books floating around down here, but I didn't enjoy them. I guess I'm not much for that type of fiction. It was Eyepatch who suggested this one to me, actually. He has…interesting…taste in books."
"Mistake. I could have warned you not to read anything he suggests."
He looked down at the book. "A lot of it hits too close to home, but I'm having trouble putting it down. He wasn't wrong to recommend it." Back to Akira, he said, "It's good to see you again."
"Thanks for giving me space. I, um…I've been offered a mission, but it's not my usual fare and I suspect it's just to distract me for a few days." As she spoke, she couldn't help but start pacing in agitation.
"Ah. You prefer managing others instead of being managed." His face remained carefully blank.
She frowned deeply at that and flopped down next to him. "It's annoying. And condescending. I want to say no on principle."
He broke, and laughed. "Maybe I shouldn't reveal this, but I can tell exactly when you're doing that sort of thing to me, and I put up with it because I know it makes you feel better. It's how you show you care."
Akira pouted. She had no response. Again, she reminded herself that she wasn't quite as clever as she liked to think.
"But you haven't said no yet, or you wouldn't be here agonizing over it."
She was quiet. "I wonder…if a reset might be good."
"It could be."
In need of a distraction, Akira turned her furious pacing into guard duty, marching from one end of the compound to the other. After several laps around the perimeter, the caffeine and the nervous energy had mostly run its course.
"Oof, did you get demoted to errand girl or something?"
Kurona was leaning against a wall near one of the main entrances, inspecting her nails.
Akira skidded to a halt and turned back towards her. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. The system worked great. Can't say I like Kimi's taste in movies, though. Too many whiny people talking about themselves." She flipped her long hair over her shoulder dismissively. "Kimi wanted to pass on a message."
"And here I thought you were popping in because you missed us. What's the message?"
Kurona looked up from under her bangs, exasperated. "That the creepy children weren't the final goal. They're just another step in the plan."
"What's the next step?"
"She doesn't know yet. She just wanted to warn you that she's overheard enough to be sure that they're an intermediate, not an end. Beyond that, it sounds like she's having a tough time getting anything valuable without looking suspicious."
"Okay, now tell me the bad news," Akira said with an eye roll.
"If you insist. The doctor," she sneered, "is building towards something big, and so Is Furuta…and I can't tell which one is steering the boat. Every time they meet, they both leave with a smarmy look on their faces like they got more than they gave."
"Kimi's seen them together?"
"No, I have. I've been watching that lab every day. The new chairman pulls up at the side entrance in a black car every few days."
Suddenly, Akira felt like they were not up against a short list of specific enemies, but a tsunami bearing down on them. They could only outrun it for so long before it swallowed them up.
She cleared her throat. "Thank you for the information," she said, hoping that the wobble in her voice wasn't too noticeable.
"Hey, before I go topside again, I could use a snack. It's getting a little dicey to feed myself up there."
Akira briskly walked to the nearest small empty room and leaned against the wall, put her hands on her knees. She was breathing fast, her heart was racing. Kurona's briefing hadn't been huge or totally unexpected…but on top of everything else, she suddenly felt like she was drowning.
She closed her eyes and heard Touka's voice, saying to remember the good parts. She had Amon. Yoriko had cooked her an excellent extra spicy curry for dinner two nights ago. Maris Stella had woken her up that morning by nibbling her nose. She was healthy. She was alive.
It took a moment to slow down her racing thoughts. The room was dark, quiet, and calm, and that helped. The cool stone wall at her back helped keep her grounded.
Okay. I think I just nearly had an anxiety attack. That is highly abnormal for me.
She took a couple more minutes to come down, shook herself off, then went in search of Kaneki.
He was in one of the common areas, having a conversation with several of the newer arrivals and making sure they'd settled in well enough. When they finished, he sat at the table and looked over at her. "Akira?"
She walked closer, not wanting to speak at full volume. "I'll do it. I know this is just a forced vacation, or as close as you can get right now, but you're right. I think I need it." She was trying hard to accept the truth—that she needed a break from action to cool her hawkish sentiments a bit, and to recenter herself.
"Forced vacation. That's one way of looking at it." Resting his elbow on the table, he plopped his chin in his hand. "But I do appreciate it."
Ayato scowled in her direction. "I'm supposed to be with you? You're deadweight. I could kick your ass in a fair fight."
She just kept checking her gear. She'd handled brash young men like him before. "If I recall, we've already had a fight, and I held my own well enough." Akira paused and looked at him. "Oh, wait, that wasn't a fair fight—you ambushed me and still couldn't finish the job."
A couple of his sycophants snickered, but tried to disguise their reaction when he whipped around to snarl at them. "Shove it! I'd win, easy. I've even been training with the old dude, and he outranked her."
Kaneki stepped in. "She's too recognizable for another aboveground mission, and she's more familiar with the gear than you. I trust her judgment to back you up and spot anything relevant to the history of the CCG. She'll be more useful with you right now."
She stood and dusted herself off. "You don't have to like me, just put up with me for a few days."
"And if you don't bring her back safely, we're going to have a problem," Amon said as he approached. He looked Akira up and down. "Batteries?"
"Twice as many as we should need, plus a couple of spare flashlights." Akira confirmed, tapping at the LED headlamp fastened to her forehead. "And more than enough food and water for several days, too. I'm making the grunts carry it, though."
They both looked at the pile of backpacks in the center of the chamber, mostly loaded up with gear and provisions for her. Even she had to admit that being human meant she was annoyingly high maintenance compared to ghouls. At least the ghouls needed water, too, and that made them more willing to help shoulder the burden.
He rested his hands on her shoulders and looked down at her. "Please be careful. I know this is just a simple scouting mission, but it seems like no one is sure what you'll find down there."
"I'll be careful." She looked back up at him. "You're still too tall."
He sighed, but with a long-suffering smile. "I'll see what I can do about that while you're gone, but don't hold out hope. Get back safely."
I recently came across Fires on the Plain completely unrelated to anything Tokyo Ghoul, but the more I learn about it the more I suspect it was some sort of influence…
Next week: Akira Mado, amateur explorer!
