Chapter Thirty-Three - That Tiny Pinprick Of Light
Warning: Thoughts on suicide, adult sexual content and self-harm.
Surrounded by constellations of stars, the full-moon, big and bright against the midnight-blue sky, casted its glow over Severus. It dawned on him as he admired it, that Remus hadn't seen the full-moon through human eyes since he was about four or five years old. Perhaps, one day, they could see it together, Severus hoped as he sipped a bit of red wine from the bottle in his hands, knowing in the back of his mind that a simple wish such as that one could never happen.
Severus was sitting up on the ledge of the Astronomy tower with his feet dangling over the edge. He'd casted away his dark robes due to the warm early summer air, leaving him in just his pants, gray long-sleeved shirt and black vest. Taking another swig of wine, Severus looked down, the ground so very far down below making him feel a bit sick. Would if he just threw himself off the ledge, what if he just jumped? Then what would Albus do? Would he find a new martyr to take Severus' place or would his whole plan just go to ruin? Was it better to leave Harry and Remus through suicide rather than betrayal? But he couldn't help but feel like those were two similar things. Choosing to leave them was just as bad as betraying them, so was leaving them to deal with the chaos of Albus' failed plan should Severus go through with killing himself.
Severus sighed with frustration, feeling the stress of everything as he took in a breath and let it out slowly. Albus' plan had to succeed. It promised peace and a future for Harry and Remus; it was the only thing that kept Severus going, the only thing that kept him still sitting there on that ledge and not jumping to his death. Although, he wished he knew more of it. The bits and pieces Albus had told him of his great plan was just enough for now, according to the headmaster. Albus didn't think it was necessary to fully explain it to Severus, even though his life was going to be ruined for him.
Severus took another drink of his wine, trying to push away those dark thoughts before he did anything stupid. He looked out at the view before him. Just in the distance, he could see the Whomping Willow where unknown to most of the students and Hogwarts staff, was the secret tunnel underground that led to the Shrieking Shack, where Remus was currently alone in werewolf form. Severus hoped this full-moon wouldn't leave him with serious injuries. With only about a week and a half left before June thirtieth, Remus needed to be strong.
Hours earlier, after Severus had walked Remus to the Whomping Willow and through the tunnel, leaving him sitting there alone and naked on that broken bed, and with the white gold and black tungsten ring on Severus' ring finger for safe-keeping, Severus wished more than anything, with desperation and frustration, that his Animagus form would've been completed in time for tonight. Their first and last full-moon together before everything… And especially with what had happened the last full-moon, finding the Shrieking Shack empty, the fear and heart-sickening worry and panic Severus felt that morning strongly returned to him, this time paired with guilt. It was those feelings that had led Severus straight to the kitchens, just as the full-moon began to rise, grabbing a bottle of wine and situating himself on the ledge of the tower, that way he had a bird's eye view of the grounds, watching just in case Remus left through the tunnel again.
Severus really hadn't meant to drink tonight, knowing he would have to admit to Remus of his slip-up, but tonight…tonight was hard. The passing days were bringing Severus closer and closer to the dreaded task. The noose around his neck, placed there by Albus, was becoming tighter and tighter to the point that sometimes Severus would find himself not able to breathe. Everyday he would feel his chest tighten, feel his heart skip beats, feel the stress and dread of it threaten to take over, but he would fight against it by making sure to hug his son whenever he had the chance. To hold Remus close to him, to kiss him, to make love to him a bit more longer than usual. Trying to spend every spare moment with Remus and Harry… And of course, Remus had noticed…
"Are you okay, Severus?" Remus asked in a low mutter, out of earshot from the other professors sitting nearby them.
Severus was cutting a piece off of his chicken with a knife and fork. "Yes, why do you ask, wolf?"
Remus glanced around first, then leant closer to Severus and muttered, "You've been…been very attentive lately…"
"Are you calling me clingy?"
"No, just that lately you've been trying to make it a point to be by me or Harry every chance you get, like you're afraid you may lose us."
Severus didn't respond to that, just chose that moment to plop the piece of chicken he'd cut off into his mouth, chewing slowly so he wouldn't have to answer right away.
Remus watched him with hazel eyes, soft with understanding. "You're not losing us," he said. "Summer is coming, and we'll have all the time in the world together, even with the war going on…"
And that was just it… Summer was coming and it wouldn't be what Harry and Remus were expecting. Summer was coming, and with it, the end of everything and the beginning of a war and prophecy… The beginning of a brilliant and terrible plan coming into place that would ruin Severus, that would break him and his little family possibly beyond repair.
But Severus couldn't tell Remus any of that.
"You're right, it just feels like the war is coming closer each time I talk to Albus or get summoned by the Dark Lord. I can't help but worry… I can give you some space if you need it, I have a lot of grading to do tonight anyways…"
"Who says I was asking for space?" Remus laughed.
Severus rolled his eyes. "Silly werewolf."
With that conversation echoing in his head and what they ended up doing after dinner that was certainly not grading student work, Severus chugged down a generous amount of red wine.
"Dad?"
Startled at his son's sudden voice breaking the silence, Severus quickly drew the bottle away from his lips, turning around to find Harry at the doorway of the staircase, pulling off his Invisibility Cloak.
"What are you doing here, kid? It's way after curfew."
"I could ask you the same thing," Harry said back.
Severus huffed with defeat, facing back to the skies again. "I'm worried about Remus tonight."
"Same, I couldn't sleep. I hate when he's alone in the shack. I was looking at the Marauder's Map and I found you up here."
Severus had half a mind to scold Harry for breaking school rules by wandering the castle at night, for breaking Severus' rule of not being glued to the map, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. They only had days together.
"Come, sit with me," Severus insisted, gesturing with a nod of his head for Harry to sit next to him.
Harry did as told, hoisting himself up on the ledge and settling besides Severus. His green eyes widened at the view of the school grounds, the dark forest, of the full-moon and the vast starry heavens.
"Whoa," was all Harry could say.
"I know," was all Severus could say, taking a sip of wine.
They sat in silence for a while, taking in the sparkling skies. Harry then turned and watched Severus take another long drink with a concerned frown. The bottle was now half-empty.
"Are you okay? You normally don't drink in front of me."
"Fine and dandy… Do you want to try a sip?"
Harry grinned with surprise at the offer, "Sure."
Severus handed him the bottle of red wine, smiling a bit with amusement as Harry tasted wine for the first time, making a face of disgust and immediately handing Severus back the bottle.
"That's bloody terrible!" Harry exclaimed, causing Severus to laugh, finally pulling him out of his dark and morose mood.
Harry smiled at Severus' laughter.
Once Severus was able to stop and had regained his breath again, he said, "Don't tell Remus or Mrs. Weasley that I let you try wine."
Harry shrugged, "I'll be seventeen next month."
"I know," Severus said softly with affection, his heart now breaking with waves of grief washing over him. He wasn't going to be there on Harry's seventeenth birthday. At least he was able to experience his son's first sip of wine, but he still felt utterly wretched and broken inside. "You know that I'm very proud of you… You've grown up a lot since you've come into my care, don't you know that, kid?"
Severus could feel Harry watching him as he drank more wine after saying that, only to hide his suddenly watering eyes.
"Why are you being so sentimental?" Harry asked worriedly.
Severus shrugged, "Can't your old man be sentimental about you growing up?"
Before Harry could say anything back, a mournful howl of a wolf ripped through the air, causing them to both look at the Whomping Willow and beyond, towards the direction of the Shrieking Shack.
"Are you still trying to become an Animagus?" Harry asked.
"It's not easy. It's going to be a long time until I complete it." Severus wasn't ever going to stop waiting for that second heartbeat.
"Do you know what animal you'll be yet?"
"No, but I'm hoping to Merlin it isn't a fucking bat."
Harry bursted into laughter at that. Severus laughed along with him, surprised it was the second time he was able to laugh tonight. He had come here to drink his worries and stress away and just sit in his dark and melancholy mood until the sun rose, but Harry had changed that for him, he changed a lot of things for Severus over the past year, and oh how much Severus loved him. He wrapped an arm around Harry's shoulders, pulling him close to him. Harry didn't flinch or stiffened, he melted into it, accepting the parental gesture with love and trust.
Severus pointed to the sky, to the stars that resembled a million tiny pinpricks of light twinkling through the darkness. There was always going to be hope, always going to be light in Harry's future. He was the one that was going to survive, and for Severus, that was all that mattered. A pinprick of light, a pinprick of hope that was getting Severus through the last few weeks.
"No matter what happens, your godfather and your parents are up there watching you. Promise me, Harry, that when the war becomes darker and it seems like the prophecy is about to unfold, that you'll be strong. That if there's ever a point when you're feeling so low that you need to cut or even…even try killing yourself again, remember them, look up to the heavens and remember them. With them watching you, you're never alone."
Harry gave Severus a searching look, as if he wanted to ask Severus why he was saying all of that. Severus hoped Harry wouldn't, he wouldn't know how to explain…
But to Severus' relief, Harry only said, "I promise… You know, I'm not afraid of the prophecy anymore, Voldemort can throw everything he has at me, I'm ready, especially that I have you and Remus looking out for me now."
Severus smiled at that. "Yeah, you do," he said softly. "Always, son."
And no matter what was destined to happen in the days to come, Severus did not intend that to be a lie. No matter what, he was going to try his best to still watch over his son in secret. With that thought, Severus hugged Harry tighter against his side for a brief moment before letting him go, placing a kiss in his messy dark hair.
"Can I have more wine?" Harry suddenly asked.
"No," Severus said.
They stayed there for hours, talking about nothing and talking about everything. The wine bottle stayed on the ledge besides Severus, forgotten and untouched. And just when the first streaks of the dawn began to appear, Severus walked Harry back to Gryffindor tower before making his way down to the hospital wing to meet Madam Pomfrey before finally collecting Remus from the Shrieking Shack.
.
.
Days later, just before the sun rose, Severus suddenly awoke on the morning of June thirtieth and he couldn't go back to sleep. The day he'd been dreading, it was finally here and he thought he would feel way more different than this, more panicky and afraid, maybe more angrier, perhaps even shitting his pants with fear, but no, it was a sort of calmness he was in, some sort of a reluctant acceptance of what was to come, relief even to just get it all over with. Severus didn't feel like himself, as if he were living through the motions through someone else's body, seeing through someone else's eyes, feeling through someone else's heart.
He turned over on his side, that way he was facing a sleeping Remus Lupin. Severus gazed at him, taking in every feature of Remus that made him so beautiful to Severus. Memorizing the steady rhythm of his warm breath flowing in and out, and Severus was close enough to feel it tickle his cheek. The golden hair peppered with silver hanging over his closed eyes, past the perfect arches of his brows. The scars running across his face, the shape of his nose, his cheekbones and how his lashes were resting delicately against his pale skin. Those pink lips and how soft and warm they always were when Severus kissed them.
"You're so beautiful, darling," Severus whispered.
He reached out and gently moved Remus' hair away from his eyes, gently cupping the side of his face, carefully moving closer to place a loving kiss on his lips. And with his thumb grazing that soft skin, tracing his cheekbones, Severus finally started to feel his heart start to break with insurmountable waves of guilt, regret and grief, of hopelessness and loss. This was the very last morning he would wake up besides Remus Lupin in his bed. After tonight, everything was going to change forever, nothing was ever going to be as easy or the same between them ever again. And the panic finally began to creep into him, grabbing hold of his heart and wrapping around his chest and his lungs, squeezing tight until he started gasping for breath. He didn't want to wake Remus up, then he would have to explain the reason for his sudden panic attack. How could Severus explain any of it to him?
Severus reluctantly pulled himself out of bed, standing in front of the enchanted window, opening it up a bit to get some fresh air, calming himself down by taking deep breaths until he began to see streaks of the sun's rays across the dark-blue sky. It was time to try his Animagus incantation to see if he had a second heartbeat yet.
Severus closed his eyes, pointing his wand to his heart and whispering, "Amato Animo Animato Animagus…"
And then it was so sudden and surreal that Severus wasn't sure if he could believe it. He gasped, opening his eyes and pulling his wand away from his chest. He quickly looked back to make sure Remus was still asleep… Thank Merlin he was… Remus hadn't moved a muscle since Severus left his side.
Severus quickly and silently retrieved his potion from his private lab, then left his quarters.
Not long after, Severus found himself sitting on the splintered wooden floor of the Shrieking Shack; in the room Remus always performed his changes in. It was the only place that Severus could think of without being disrupted. He had felt it, the second heartbeat, it was finally, finally time to complete the final step of his Animagus transformation. Severus' body was shaking so hard with a mixture of nerves, excitement and relief. He had been starting to lose hope of being able to do it, but of course it had to happen on the very last day…before Severus would be known to the wizarding world as Albus Dumbledore's murderer.
Taking deep steadying breaths, Severus closed his eyes, pointing his wand to his heart again and said the incantation loud and clear this time, "Amato Animo Animato Animagus."
And when he felt that second heart beat again, Severus instantly took the potion and closed off his mind completely.
The potion tasted of frost and a strange bitterness if one should ever find themselves chewing on frozen leaves and grass. It tasted of the moon and the stars, tiny pinpricks of light that were cold as ice but fiery. It tasted of Remus, as if Severus were kissing him that very moment. It tasted of chocolate and it tasted of coffee and peppermint and the scents of the cabin. It tasted of rain hitting stone and grass, it tasted of the birthday cake Remus and Harry baked for him…
And Severus was trapped in darkness until he began to make out an outline of a large animal. He focused on it, waiting and waiting, thinking of nothing, standing in the darkness, reaching out his hand until a furry snout with a cold black nose met the palm of his hand and his fingers buried into thick soft fur. Yellow eyes were suddenly in front of him. They stared at Severus, they stared and they stared unblinkingly until the shape began to form into a black wolf standing in front of him.
Severus could only stare back at the large animal, keeping his hand on its head, scratching its ears a bit. Yellow eyes connected to dark obsidian.
"You're me and I'm you," Severus whispered to it.
And to answer him, the wolf threw its head back and howled. Then it leaped at Severus who wasn't afraid. He didn't even close his eyes. He felt the wolf jump into him, infusing with his soul, and Severus let out a shout from the pain of his body suddenly changing.
When Severus opened his eyes, the world was different.
He couldn't help it, he had to run. He had to see the world as a wolf, the way Remus saw it every full-moon, and in the light of the rising sun, Severus raced through the forest.
He stopped when he found a small pool among the roots of a giant tree. He peered down into it, seeing the distorted reflection of his Animagus form. A black wolf with a frosted snout and black nose. Yellow eyes. Large, with a furry head and fluffy tail, but smaller than Remus' werewolf form. He finally did it. He was an Animagus, and Severus was so relieved that his Animagus form wasn't something small and stupid like a bat, hedgehog or even a rat. That it was something large and strong enough to run alongside Remus and keep the werewolf in check during full-moons, just like how Potter and Black used to.
Once Severus began to grow tired and the sun was high in the sky and bright, promising a warm summer day, he went to the edge of the forest and closed his eyes, visualizing himself in his human form until he began to feel his body change. And this time, it didn't hurt. It felt so natural, as if he'd been changing from wolf to human since the day he was born. Severus opened his eyes once he knew the transformation was complete, and was thoroughly relieved that he wasn't naked, still in his pajamas. He was exhausted now that he was human once again, his muscles feeling extremely fatigued from running for hours.
Severus felt different, like his soul was infused with another… His wolf form, forever tied to him, forever in the back of his mind, and he found that he liked its presence very much. It was like carrying a part of Remus around, just like the wolf totem he always wore underneath his shirt, pressed up against his bare chest. Severus took out the little thing, examining it with adoration and remembering the Christmas morning Remus had given it to him, placing a quick kiss to it before tucking it safely back underneath his shirt.
And at that moment, Severus made his final decision. He wasn't going to tell anyone about this. The excitement of telling Remus and wondering how he would react to such a surprise, it all washed away, replaced with a powerful surge of grief. It really was for the best. They were out of full-moons. They were out of time… After tonight, Harry and Remus wouldn't want anything to do with Severus anymore. It was best to use his Animagus form to watch over them, especially during the darkest moments of the approaching war. They wouldn't know… They wouldn't know that Severus would still be watching over them, that was the only thing that kept him from breaking down and the only thing that gave him strength to walk back to the castle.
"Ah ha!" I think I found one!" Harry said excitedly, waving a card to Remus. He was sitting on the large windowsill in Remus' office, serving his Saturday morning detention.
Remus looked up from where he was sitting at his desk, grading piles of final exams and essays. He was still exhausted from the full-moon that happened only a little bit over a week ago. It wasn't too bad, just a few large scratches, a few new scars around his torso and a strong bout of fatigue, but nothing that kept him bed-ridden this month to his relief. And what made it better, was that Charlie, Tonks and Bill were able to prevent Greyback and Rowan from attacking another kid that night. Also, spring term was coming to an end, promising to lift one heavy load off of everyone's shoulders.
"What does it say, cub?" Remus asked.
Harry looked at the card again, his face suddenly falling. "Wait, never mind, it's Lily… Lily Hill?"
Remus couldn't help but laugh, "Keep trying, cub, Severus is right about her being in there. I know your mom had detention at least once or twice. She wasn't exactly the goody-two shoes that our professors thought she was. She was just smart enough to not get caught."
Harry let out a sigh of frustration as he began copying down Lily Hill's detention record on a new card. Remus watched him for a few moments as he sipped his coffee from a Slytherin-styled mug. He had once borrowed it from Severus and never found the chance to return it back to him nor had really tried because it reminded him of Severus, especially when Remus was missing him. It gave him comfort when Severus wasn't around, especially during his long unexplained absences.
Remus had woken up late this morning, just after ten o' clock, in an empty bed, his hand touching cold sheets beside him. At first, he assumed Severus was in his office with Harry for his detention, it was Saturday morning after all, but then a knock on the portrait door forced him out of bed and to his surprise that left his heart full of dread, it was Harry looking for Severus.
They had decided to go to Remus' office, sitting in companionable silence as they worked. Harry often reacting to the cards that featured the Marauders or even Severus a few times. Harry asked Remus where Severus was and Remus didn't know what to say. He just didn't know. There was no note or explanation left behind. Severus wasn't in his office when Remus had gone in there to retrieve the detention records for Harry. Perhaps he was called away… "With Dumbledore, I suppose," was all Remus could say, leaving a worry frown on Harry. "I'm sure he'll be back. I left a note on the coffee pot in his kitchen saying we're in my office." Harry had smiled at that, knowing that was most likely the first place Severus would go to when he came back from whatever he was doing.
But now that the morning was growing later and Harry was already almost done with his detention, and Severus had yet to appear, worry was beginning to blossom in Remus, allowing himself to ponder who Severus was with, Voldemort or Dumbledore. He kept it all to himself, not wanting to worry Harry. Remus was trying to be as positive as he could that Severus was going to appear at any moment, safe and grumpy with a cup of coffee in his hands. At this point, Remus didn't even want an explanation that could only lead to the same argument that they had before about Severus' absences. Remus just wanted Severus to return safely.
And thankfully, before Remus could worry anymore, the portrait door suddenly opened, causing him and Harry to both turn their attention towards it. Remus let out a breath of relief. It was just as he was hoping, Severus in his dark robes, his hair wet from a recent shower and a cup of coffee in his hand and a load of student work in the other, nestled under his arm.
"Sweetheart," Remus greeted, the relief in his voice was obvious. "Where have you been all morning?"
Severus' dark eyes softened at the term of endearment as he dumped his load of work and coffee on the coffee table. Greeting Harry, then his eyes found Remus. "I fancied a jog through the dark forest this morning," he said, giving Remus a kiss on the lips.
Remus inhaled as he kissed him back, melting into it, getting lost in the scents of shampoo and soap, of coffee and toast, and strangely enough, scents of the forest. He was definitely in the dark forest. Remus wondered why because he knew Severus didn't jog, but with Harry there, Remus didn't ask.
"Is that my Slytherin mug? I've wondered where it went," Severus said, obviously changing the subject.
Remus finished the last of his coffee inside of it. "I borrowed it."
"And never gave it back," Harry added from the windowsill.
"You're supposed to be quietly finishing up your detention," Remus said to Harry.
Severus sat on the windowsill ledge across from Harry, with his back leaning against the frame. The boxes of detention cards were between them. "How is your detention going?"
"Hideously boring," Harry said as he worked. "I still haven't found my mom, maybe she was right and she never received a detention in her entire school career."
Severus shook his head with denial at Harry's words. "Hand me a box," he said with determination.
Remus watched Harry hand one over to Severus, who took it and started flipping through the cards, causing Harry to snort out with amusement.
Watching them from his desk, Remus couldn't help but ask, "Cub, I've been meaning to ask you… Well your dad and I both…"
Severus suddenly pulled his attention away from the box in his hands, looking up at Remus with surprise. They had discussed bringing this up to Harry, but didn't necessarily plan on going about it yet. Plus dealing with the full-moon, final exams and Harry being kept busy with studying and detention, they hadn't really had time for it… Since the day after the last Quidditch match, they'd been hearing rumors about Harry and Ginny Weasley being together. Watching Severus and Harry together on the windowsill, Remus figured now was finally a decent time to bring it up.
"Are you and Ginny a couple now?"
Harry's face instantly reddened, he suddenly looked down at the detention card on his lap, taking extra care to copy down the information. "Yeah, we're dating now," he said with a shy smile.
Severus leaned over and patted Harry's shoulder with a proud expression on his face, causing Harry to bring his attention back to them. And Remus cheered, causing Harry to groan out with embarrassment, "Oh, bloody hell, stop… Please…"
"Okay, okay…" Remus laughed. "Would you mind telling us how it happened?"
Harry bashfully told them how he and Ginny kissed after the Quidditch match in front of everyone in the common room. "I told Ginny about my cutting and some stuff about the Dursleys… You were right, dads, she doesn't think I'm a freak."
"That is because you aren't one, you never were… The Dursleys just never understood you," Severus said. "I'm proud of you for telling Ginny, for talking about it with her…maybe soon you can start opening up more to your friends."
Harry shrugged at that, looking out the window, his face red with embarrassment still.
Severus turned to Remus, making intense eye-contact with him. Peering into his dark eyes, Remus knew what he was asking. He felt a small push and he allowed Severus into his head.
He's dating now… I don't know if the muggles ever gave him the talk… Darling, I don't know how to start such a conversation!
They broke eye contact, Severus' presence leaving Remus, who almost laughed at the panicky voice that rang in his head, of the way Severus was suddenly blushing as much as Harry was, but Remus schooled his face into an expression of a serious calmness and asked, "Harry, have the Dursleys ever talked to you about…?"
Harry suddenly looked at Remus, then at Severus with a horrified expression. "Oh, bloody hell, this isn't the talk, is it?"
"Language," Severus sighed.
"We're only being concerned parents," Remus said.
"Ugh," Harry groaned out, suddenly covering his face. "They did…" he said from behind his hands. "Aunt Petunia had Uncle Vernon sit both me and Dudley down when we were ten. It was the most embarrassing, horrifying thing ever! And, I don't need a part two!"
"Okay, but we need to give you the magical version of that… Spells and charms for protection and all that fun stuff," Remus grinned.
Once the talk was over and Harry was ready to bolt out of Remus' office out of sheer embarrassment, Severus made him promise to join them later for dinner.
"But it's Saturday," Harry said with confusion.
"So?" Severus said.
"We usually have dinner together every other friday."
"I know, but what's wrong with wanting to have a quiet evening with you and Remus tonight?"
Harry shrugged, "Nothing I guess… Papa's quarters or yours?"
"Mine."
Once Harry had left, Remus and Severus had moved to the sofa, both working on the last of their student essays that needed grading for the rest of the morning and early afternoon. Their deadlines for it all to be due was that evening.
Remus finally closed up his last scroll, then reached over and took the last biscuit off of its plate and washed it down with the last of Severus' coffee.
"Very brave of you," Severus muttered as he circled something with red ink on the student essay he was working on.
"I'm done, I'm finally done," Remus said with relief, leaning back against the sofa and stretching.
Severus turned his attention towards him, quill still in hand with the tip still touching the parchment, his eyes dancing with amusement. "First you take my coffee, then you rub it into my face that you are finally free of grading… What have I done to warrant such ill-treatment?"
Remus chuckled, sitting upright again and planting a kiss on Severus' temple.
Severus put the quill down, his eyes on Remus. "Hey, thank you for not questioning me any further about where I was this morning. I did tell you some of the truth. I was in the dark forest."
"I would be lying if I said I wasn't fighting with myself not to question you any further about it," Remus admitted with a frown. "You hate running."
Severus only pulled his gaze down back to the scroll he was grading. Remus looked down to see that it was Harry's final essay. Severus had mentioned that ever since Harry stopped using the Half-Blood Prince's book, his grade has gone down between an A and E from a perfect O.
"Harry's going to be okay," Remus said with concern, seeing worry suddenly cloud Severus' eyes. "He has us and a whole bunch of Weasleys watching over him. He isn't alone anymore."
"You're right," Severus only said, writing an E on Harry's paper.
And it was the way Severus had suddenly shut himself off, hiding behind his mask, trying to appear as if nothing were bothering him…
"Sweetheart?" Remus said, reaching up and caressing the side of his face, staring into his eyes.
Severus pulled his face away, putting down his quill and wrapping his arms around Remus' waist, pulling him against his chest. "Forgive me for worrying so much," Severus muttered against Remus' neck. "It's the end of the school year, and I can't help but think that it's just bringing the war closer to us."
Severus started kissing Remus' neck, suckling on a certain spot that he was sure it would leave a hickey.
"As long as we have each other and Harry, we'll get through it," Remus said, closing his eyes and arching his neck to allow Severus better access.
"I did miss you this morning," Severus whispered against Remus' skin, causing him to shiver with pleasure.
"I missed you too," Remus managed to say back as he felt Severus' lips trail up to the sensitive spot behind his ear. He couldn't help but feel as if Severus was purposely moving them away from their conversation, and Remus wondered why, why was the subject of the war and Harry suddenly sensitive with Severus? But one gentle bite of his earlobe and Remus lost every sensible thought in his mind as he gasped out.
Severus pulled away, his eyes so dark with desire. "Fuck grading, let's just stay in bed all day together."
Remus laughed, "But deadlines…"
Severus stood up and pulled Remus to his feet, "I'm not taking no for an answer, darling."
Remus laughed again, reaching up and brushing a lock of hair behind Severus' ear. His worries over the things that Severus was obviously hiding from him disappeared. It was silly of him to allow that to bother him. Remus knew it was all for the war, it was all because of Dumbledore. There was no use bringing up another argument about things that Severus had no control over. And it wasn't fair to Severus, what he was doing for the war… His role in it was one of the most dangerous and he did it without losing himself in his fear. Severus Snape, a Slytherin that was hiding Gryffindor bravery underneath that mask of his.
And peering into those dark eyes that were gazing at Remus with such love and affection, Remus couldn't help but remember how afraid he used to be to allow himself to fall in love with this man standing in front of him. He was a complete fool to have wasted so much time, to have kept Severus waiting like that…
Remus couldn't help but take Severus' chin and tilt it to the side, closing his eyes and slowly pressing his lips against Severus' own that were so soft and tasted of coffee and biscuits. Remus darted his tongue against them, asking for entrance from Severus who allowed him in, and Remus kissed him so deeply that it caused Severus to moan into it, placing a hand on Remus' arm and squeezing it tight as if he were dizzy.
"What was that for, wolf?" Severus asked once they pulled apart, seeming out of breath and a bit wobbly in the knees.
Remus could only stare at Severus for a moment, considering his answer… Throughout the whole year, Remus had found himself trapped in his own darkness and depression from losing Sirius, from what had happened to him in the summer. A darkness where no matter how hard Remus tried to fight it, it was always there in his mind, always pushing at the edges, always threatening to sweep him away with its endless and overbearing, suffocating waves… And there were some days where Remus didn't have the strength to fight against it…
But now, there was a tiny pinprick of light, Remus realized as Severus pulled him close against him, still waiting for an answer and embracing Remus in a tight hug so there was hardly any room between them.
"What are you thinking about?" Severus breathed against Remus' lips.
Instead of answering, Remus captured Severus in another kiss, his hand now cupping his cheek and feeling how flushed Severus had become, flushed and wanting more, just like himself.
A tiny light that reminded Remus to keep fighting, to keep holding onto the few threads of humanity that Greyback had never managed to take from him.
A tiny pinprick of light that was put there by Severus.
Severus moved his hands down Remus' sides, landing on his waist, lingering there for a moment before he moved a hand further down to cup Remus' butt. Feeling long, gentle fingers softly squeezing, caused Remus' breath to hitch and he gasped out with a sudden need to press himself closer against Severus.
Remus moved his hand down from Severus' cheek to rest on his chest, just over his heart… But before Remus could feel Severus' heartbeat, Severus gently grabbed his hand and tore his lips away from Remus, instead, kissing his fingers.
And watching those chapped, red lips… Dark eyes half-closed…
A tiny pinprick of light that whispered to Remus, that yes he was broken by Greyback, cracked down the middle so brutally by him that it was impossible for Remus to ever think he could be put back together or even be the same again. Parts of himself would always be missing, parts of himself that Greyback and even Sirius had taken that Remus could never get back, but it was okay. Remus was okay with that, because he still had something Greyback could never have, something still worth fighting for… That tiny pinprick of light, that tiny speck of humanity not yet lost…of hope and love and family… That tiny pinprick of light that was happiness… That was Severus and Harry… That was Remus…that maybe he didn't have to let himself succumb to his own darkness… To hold on to the threads and never let go… Something even mating bites couldn't take away.
That tiny pinprick of light that was there because of Severus…because of Harry…his family…
And with all of those thoughts racing in Remus' head, he felt himself falling even deeper and wholeheartedly in love with Severus than he'd ever thought possible. As he watched Severus kiss each of his fingers with so much love put into each gentle press of his lips, then leaving a kiss against the center of his palm, Remus felt the wolf inside of him sing. The surprise of it almost threw Remus off, it had been months of it being so very restless inside of Remus, fighting for control to track down Rowan, recognizing the auburn wolf as its new mate.
Severus looked up, and he saw the sudden gold flecks shining in Remus' eyes. He raised his hand to Remus' face, cupping his cheek, "Beautiful," was all he whispered and kissed Remus.
And somehow the wolf began to calm down and Remus had no idea why or even bothered to ponder on it. He just kept kissing Severus deeply in return, tasting him, getting lost in coffee and biscuits and ink and parchment and thoroughly enjoying the way his stomach fluttered with pleasure and his heart was racing and the wolf was singing.
Remus then pulled his lips away from Severus', just for a moment, remembering that he had never answered Severus' question.
"I just…"
Severus looked back at him with chapped lips and eyes that were dazed from their heavy make-out session, yet full of curiosity of what Remus was trying to say. Remus couldn't figure out how to voice any of his swirling thoughts in his head… About the waves of darkness that he couldn't fight sometimes, of never being whole again, and somehow that was okay, of holding onto threads and tiny pinpricks of light…
"I just love you so fucking much, Severus, and I would be honored to ignore your pile of unfinished student work and deadlines along with you to spend the rest of the day in bed."
Severus' eyes lit up with amusement, along with a smile that reached his eyes and Remus' breath caught in his throat at how attractive Severus suddenly looked to him in that moment, but underneath it all… There was still that lingering worry Severus was plagued with earlier. And all Remus could think of doing about it, was to take Severus' hand and lead him to his bedroom, hoping that he could somehow be Severus' tiny pinprick of light as well.
Harry never showed up for dinner. Severus had half a mind to just stop what he was doing in that very moment to go out and search for his wayward son, to find Harry and drag him back to his quarters and sit him down at the kitchen table, but the only thing that kept Severus from doing just that was Remus, whose calm and comforting presence kept Severus grounded.
He just wanted one more family dinner in his quarters with Remus and Harry, one more evening to pretend that everything was normal and okay and that they would still have tomorrow, that they still had a whole summer to spend together at the cabin, just one more evening with his family before everything went to shit.
Was that so much to ask for from the universe?
Well, apparently it was, and what Severus hated most about this, causing him to be even more grumpier, was that he couldn't fully tell Remus why he was so upset, making everything more frustrating than it should be.
Remus, who was standing at the sink, gave Severus a furtive glance as he charmed the dishes to wash themselves. "He's probably with Ginny. Just let him be, love, I'm sure Harry doesn't want to spend every weekend with his dear old dads."
Severus only grumbled and sighed out his answer as they finished cleaning the kitchen together.
Once they were done and seeing that Severus was still upset, Remus pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms around Severus' waist, burying his face into the crook of Severus' neck and shoulder. They stayed in their hug for a few moments. Severus breathed Remus in…of chocolate and the fresh pages of a book, of rain and earth and leaves and something that was just Remus…
"At least I've got you all to myself," Remus whispered into him, shifting his head so he could kiss the side of Severus' neck. Soft kisses peppering his skin and leading up and along Severus' jawline, reminding him of the hours they'd spent in Remus' bed.
That perfect afternoon with Remus in his arms, naked and tangled in the sheets. With the sun shining in through the curtains of the windows and causing Remus' hair to shine golden…
Beautiful and enchanting was all Severus could think, it was all he could say as he pushed himself into Remus over and over and over…memorizing the lustful pleasure and desire on Remus' face, the way his eyes were dark and clouded with it, the way those hazel eyes looked at him, and Remus didn't need to tell Severus how much he loved him, Severus could read it in those enchanting hazel-green depths.
And beautiful was the smile Remus gave Severus when he finally released deep inside of him. The laugh that vibrated from his chest and Severus didn't pull out right away, enjoying the feel of Remus wrapped around him so warm and tight. Beautiful kisses that covered Severus' face and beautiful was the sound of Remus' voice whispering sweet nothings to Severus as they sleepily held each other. Beautiful was the way their fingers laced one another's, intertwining and promising to never let go. Hands that were destined to kill, hands that shook at the thought…they grazed over beautifully flawed skin. Skin that held scars, scars full of stories, beautiful scars that Severus covered in kisses all afternoon long.
A glow suddenly illuminated the kitchen, wrenching Severus out of his memories, causing Remus to pull away from him.
"You wanted answers earlier, Severus… I must see you before I depart for one last mission…"
Those words shot Severus right back down to reality, wrenching him away from beautiful afternoons with Remus.
Once the afternoon had turned into evening, they had both forced themselves out of bed. With promises that they would meet in Severus' quarters, Remus had to drop off his completed grades in Albus' office. Severus had decided to hand his unfinished work over to Slughorn since he'd been stealing his teaching post all year anyways. Just because Severus was being forced to turn into a traitor and murderer tonight did not mean he was going to allow his students to fall behind due to his negligence. He was just picking up some mead from the kitchens, along with a plate of fresh biscuits to use to sway Slughorn over into agreeing, when he had bumped into Albus. An argument had of course happened between them after Albus had the audacity to ask Severus how his day was going, an argument that resulted in Severus putting his foot down for answers that this time Albus couldn't deny.
In his irritation over Harry, Severus had forgotten about his request and Albus' promise to finally reveal everything to him before the night was over, that the reminder of it was so jarring, it brought the threat of the task hanging over Severus closer than it had ever been before. It made him feel a bit disoriented. His eyes burned and he enveloped Remus into a tight hug, closing his eyes and burrowing his face into him, taking in his sweet, sweet scent.
"I'm so sorry, wolf, but I must go," Severus whispered.
A/N: I'm so sorry this was so late! I got hit with a massive writer's block, then I fell and sprained my foot on the way to work, and motivation was just down, so I binged read until I was finally able to come up with this. Thank you, all for being so very patient. This chapter was actually cut in half, so expect the next chapter to be up at least by next weekend, and it's still about three more chapters till the end. Anyway thank you for still reading, reviewing, favoriting and following!
Review Responses:
CityGirl7768: Thank you for your review! And I know it's all happening so fast, I swear I feel like I've been working on this fiction forever then suddenly I'm almost done. And I agree with your thoughts on Harry and Draco, not that I'm confirming anything by it haha.
Bluewater5: Yes, you're very right! And thank you for reviewing and reading! Great hearing from you=)
Guest: Thank you!
Guest(Lizzie): Aww your review was so sweet! Thank you for still reading and taking the time to review! And yes, you must always have snacks for my updates lol, most of the time while writing, I'm often drinking too much coffee and snacking on dark-chocolate almonds to keep the creative juices flowing and why I haven't given up on it... (I think it's why my Severus has a caffeine addiction haha) and I'm so happy that you like Harry/Ginny!
LightsCameraPotter: Thank you for reviewing! And I hope you enjoyed this new one! Glad that I kept you on the edge of your seat haha.
Takingitinstride: Great to hear from you again, and thank you for still reading and reviewing =)
