I can't stop thinking 'bout the night when you (I) tucked me (you) in and I (you) said

You weren't (I wasn't) supposed to be inside, then I let you (you let me) climb right in my (into your) bed

He can't pretend that the worst moment of his life is supposed to be his best. Oh sure, he can smile for the cameras and his Mom and Dad on Facetime and smile for Henry who has missed his almost final lecture of the year and tempting fate with another of his exams to watch him walk the stage, but the overriding guilt he has for the latter action swamping out all the good of him graduating with his degree.

Degrees meant no more school. No more school meant no reason to stay in England where he had been studying for the last 2 years. No reason to stay in England meant going home to help his Mom run for President of the United States, as apparently being the governor of Texas wasn't enough, which he respected.

No reason to stay in England also meant, terribly, lying to himself as his reason to stay was currently sleeping beside him in his own bed (that Alex wasn't exactly supposed to be in by the way) after being up all night celebrating with him when he'd snuck in after lights out as well as having been studying for his exams tomorrow. Worst part on top of all of that was that it was not Henry's fault he would be leaving either.

It was his own.

Sixteen, we had it easier, (Twenty, just you and me) never wanted to leave

I guess for what it's worth, but I know that you know we got some growing up to do

Alex had reserved, all those months ago, that he was only coming to England at the insistence of his Dad, with the thinking that getting educated at Oxford for the last few years of his Law degree on an exchange program before he studied for his Masters and passed the Texas (or possibly Washington) bar exam in a couple of years would look good on paper. A resume that would get him employed in politics, give him a path to his own ideals and maybe even grant him his own shot at the presidency.

He never expected he would be blindsided by a handsome, yet mysterious English Lit student who practically looked like he'd walked out of a magazine and seemingly like everyone sort of knew on the first day on campus and somehow not only befriend him given he accidentally spilt tea on Alex's shirt (it ended up a rather embarrassing scene), but also end up having a well hidden friends with benefits type of relationship that had been going on for literal months as well.

Alex had already told himself that his time with Henry was brief and they equally both knew it or so it had seemed, given Henry never liked to talk about himself or his life outside of Oxford no matter how much Alex wished to know.

All he knew about Henry in the months they had been performing their various bedside activities was that he shared the dorm he lived in with his older brother, Phillip and that was it very much. Nothing about his parents, his background, where he was originally from - hell, Alex was even sure that his best friend on campus, some guy called Pez that he'd never seen, knew just as little about him as Alex did.

It didn't matter, however, as their relationship, whatever it was, had a time limit and as of yesterday, Alexander Claremont-Diaz is no longer supposed to be in England because he forgot to not only tell his parents he wanted to look into graduate programs here, but he also forgot to renew his Visa, so he and Henry had to say goodbye, whether they wanted to or not.

But you were my first star gazing in a pickup truck

Pick me up and stay out way past curfew

Of course, he hasn't /told/ Henry any of this, however. Henry just assumes that his Visa doesn't run out until the end of the year and Alex, far too into his feelings now despite not even knowing what his own sexuality is, just lets him think that and it fucking hurts as Henry was…well, if he doesn't count Nora, his first everything, with a man.

First dates, first sleeping in the same bed, first breaking dorm curfew to watch the stars on the roof when England finally fucking clears up for like five minutes on someone's stolen pickup that Alex /swears/ he'll return. His first drink in England, first naked swim in the river Thames (unintentionally, but still), but still, Henry was his first something that he hadn't ever felt before.

You were my first slow dancin' around the kitchen (dorm)

Kissing when your mama (brother) wasn't home

Apparently, he's also Henry's first willing dance partner in a while, as somehow, Henry just casually lets it slip that he's trained in ballroom (who the fuck other than rich white boys, am I right?) and Alex's overtaxed brain goes into overdrive, leading to them putting on some rather low and slow song that rumbles through shitty radio speakers like a car motor, purring it's way though the dorm's paper thin walls as they sway together, oblivious to the world.

And I'd do anything to live it again

But time ain't going back and life's still got it's living to do

If he could replay all those moments, right at this moment, he swear as that it might ease the sting of him currently packing the boxes that contained his life up to this point and taking them down the three flights of stairs to the rented truck that his father so graciously paid for him to put all his stuff in till they could ship it to the US to put it back in his room at home.

You were my first love and baby tonight

You'll be my first goodbye, bye, my first goodbye, bye

If it wasn't obvious yet, Alex hates himself. This is beyond cowardly, what he's doing. He's not even leaving Heary a note or telling him he was mistaken, he's just packing up and leaving without even trying to go somewhere like long distance. It's not like he doesn't want to do that, he wanted that more than anything, but he knows it wouldn't work, given how…private Henry has been to him lately.

I can't stop going back and forth, I keep asking myself

If freedom and growing is worth being alone but I guess it's too late now

It wasn't like Henry wasn't already private. He had his moments where he was openly affectionate to Alex in public, but it was very limited and let's not mention the whole "friends with benefits" thing again as the point's already clear enough, but it really wasn't that which was bothering Alex. Henry was private not just in his relationships, but in his whole life.

And back then, we had it easier, never wanted to leave, I say it and it hurts

But I know that you know we can't hold on to the past, just wish it could last

It's like the guy had a reason to hide away from the world and Alex? He doesn't and while that shouldn't be a dealbreaker and he's second guessing himself now in the midst of just taking off for the wild plains of Texas, it's just something that makes Henry who he is and Alex wouldn't change Henry for the world, even if he's possibly about to break that world.

Cause' you were my first star gazing in a pickup truck

Pick me up and stay out way past curfew

Alex can see Henry's dorm window from the door as he's loading boxes up. The blinds are drawn and Alex knows that the curtain's closed - Henry's either in his room having his tea and finishing a paper or out having lunch or maybe, he's helping his brother move his stuff, considering he's apparently moving out as well as he's graduated at the same time Alex did.

Of course, Henry's /aware/ of his brother moving out, but he won't be told Alex is gone till he's helping his mother on her campaign trail more than likely when the university gossip train starts back up again. How he wished it was just that two of them in that truck bed right now, the weather freezing their extremities, but endless talking between them.

You were my first slow dancin' around the kitchen (dorm)

Kissing when your mama (brother) wasn't home

He almost wanted to float, up, up, up to that window and open it, climb in regardless of if Henry's brother was there (he'd never met Phillip in the time they'd been together, but still) and take Henry's hand in his, spinning him on the ceiling to a song only they can hear before they crash down to the reality of the cold hard ground as Alex has just done.

And I'd do anything to live it again

But time ain't going back and life's still got it's living to do

He can feel his heart hammering in his chest as he closes his eyes, fighting off the harsh feeling of guilt that's overtaking him as he locks his dorm for the final time, walking down the hallway and instead of going up like the wants and begging Henry to forgive him, steps down, down, down, the last box tucked under his arm along with his IDs and documents needed to get through Heathrow's security and over the ocean by sunset.

You were my first love and baby tonight

You'll be my first goodbye, bye, my first goodbye

It stings, handing those keys back to the admin people and they do what they're trained to do, congratulate him, wish him well, say they're sad to see him go - it's hollow however, they couldn't care less about him. He knows Henry would say differently though, he knows Henry would grip him tightly and never let go. Or at least, he hopes that, in another l;ifetime where everything wasn't so goddamn complicated and sad.

Ooh I don't wanna say goodbye, don't wanna leave it all behind

Ooh I don't wanna say goodbye, don't wanna leave, leave you behind

The walk from the building where the keys now lie in a cold metal drawer is about the same, echoing and empty thanks to most students being in class or off campus for various reasons and while the birds help to drown out the noise of blood rushing through his ears, it doesn't fix the turmoil Alex is experiencing as he gets closer and closer to his chosen fate.

Cause' you were my first star gazing in a pickup truck

Pick me up and stay out way past curfew

He doesn't know right now that Henry's going to wake up and find out he's gone, that Henry's going to contact his mother in tears with a fake story, the same he'll tell to Phillip when he returns from visiting Martha, that he's going to lie in his room for days on end, depressed and bitter, the memories of their good times becoming less of a comfort and more of a curse as another person that Henry loves slips away.

You were my first slow dancin' around the kitchen (dorm)

Kissing when your mama (brother) wasn't home

He doesn't know that Henry is known around campus because the whole nation knows him, knows his name, his title, his life and studying at Oxford was his only restpie from it all and his father's cancer diagnosis and because Alex was from outside the UK (and he's accidentally interacted with him), he's the only genuine person Henry can say meant more to him than anyone, the feeling of his body completely encompassing as they danced in that small, small room between the beds without fear or reasoning.

And I'd do anything to live it again

But time ain't going back and life's still got it's living to do

He also doesn't know that Henry is going to hold onto Alex and his memory like a grudge and when he sees him on that podium with his mother and father smiling away after she's elected, that he's going to throw his scrambled eggs at the TV and declare the new First Family a scam and they'll never last before he disappears into his bedroom wing at Kensington and sulks, wondering why he wasn't good enough to stay for.

You were my first love and baby tonight

You were my first love and baby tonight

It's only when he sees Alex again, from across the room at the Melbourne Climate Conference 2 years later, do both realise the lies that they didn't tell eachother were plain to see. Alex, newly minted as the First Son in a bitter irony that Henry wishes he could express, has no clue what he's doing and Henry's lost his father and everything's a terrible grey washed mess that Alex thinks isn't fitting of his former lover and when he tries to introduce himself like they've never met, Henry practically spits on him.

You'll be my first goodbye, bye

My first goodbye, bye, my first goodbye, bye

They don't talk to each other again unless Alex isn't sober and their meetings are scattered between months and weeks as Alex parades around as Henry is ordered, holding not even a shred of meaning like the old ones did, when they were younger and loved and didn't care what people thought as the shadows were their domain.

THe first time they talk about it again is when they're in that broom closet at the hospice, when Henry, angry, sad, scornful Henry asks "Why do you hate me?"

My first goodbye,bye, my first goodbye, bye

"I never did. I never wanted to say goodbye." Is all Alex can get out, looking into the eyes of his former love with such an expression that it makes Henry's romantically charged heart normally filled with the words of Byron sink in all too familiar wrongness before Alex's security detail comes and fetches them, their goodbye at the door amped up for the cameras only and not for themselves.

Henry's brain replays it all as the New Year's Eve party comes along and with some liquid courage, he tests that theory, that hopeful one that Alex gave to him. That they could be together again, just like they were. It wouldn't be any better later on after Henry dumbly kisses his ex at 1:00 AM in the morning, as Henry was still a Prince and Alex was now fully in the spotlight, but maybe just maybe, they could be something. Something that was better than the history they'd already written.

Something that didn't ever involve goodbye again.