Author's Note: Thank you to the ladies of Suspenders Unbuttoned for this challenge. It was nice to write again despite my busy schedule the past couple of months. I know none of us know the outcome yet, but it was a fun way to see where everyone thought it could go.
A special shout-out to Donna and Joann for taking the time to read and edit this for me on such short notice. Also, to Jennifer for your encouraging words! Ladies, your investment and your belief in me means so much!
i hope that you all enjoy this version!
Discovering Her Heart
They stood there in the schoolhouse, looking intently at one another. Nathan's blue eyes, misted with tears, pierced right through Elizabeth. Her heart was racing in her chest at that moment. He was so close that she could breathe in his scent. It took all the mental strength within her not to reach out and touch his cheek, reassuring him that all she wanted was him, and of course she would stay. But she was with Lucas, engaged to Lucas. How could she change things now? What would everyone think of her?
Inhaling a deep breath, she turned and walked towards the chalkboard, picked up the eraser, and started frantically wiping away its words, trying her best to erase those eyes. She heard him move behind her and whisper her name once more.
"Elizabeth, answer me, please." Nathan's voice broke as he spoke.
Elizabeth stopped midway through her wiping and closed her eyes, slowly blowing out the breath she had not realized she was holding. Cautiously, she turned to face him and looked at him with all the courage she could muster within.
Elizabeth thought to herself, "It has to be done as much as I don't want to."
The silence was awkward as Elizabeth stood there paralyzed and unable to speak as she stared at those intense blue eyes filled with tears.
Elizabeth glanced away from his gaze and inhaled a deep breath. With what little inner strength she could gather, she stood up tall and met his gaze once again.
Looking more through Nathan than at him, Elizabeth said, "It will be different, for sure, but I know I can do it. I did it before when I came to Hope Valley years ago; I can do it again. Jack will adjust since he is so young. My leaving will open the door for Laura to return and take my place."
Nathan just stood with his mouth open, shocked at what he had just heard. He took a deep breath and ran a hand over his face, just soaking in what she had just said to him.
"You're going to go through with it?" Nathan cracked out, barely audible at that moment.
Elizabeth nodded slowly, then turned back around and started erasing the board once again.
"Well then, I wish you both the best of luck." Nathan hoarsely said to her, and then he turned around to rush out of the schoolhouse as quickly as his feet would allow him without running.
Elizabeth stood there, blankly staring at the board, as she fought back the tears that threatened to escape down her cheeks. She put the rag down, collapsed onto the floor, and gathered her knees to her chest, burying her face and sobbing like she had not sobbed since Nathan had told her that he was in love with her, and she ran away from him that day two years before.
"What have I done? How do I fix this?" Elizabeth whispered aloud between sobs.
She did not know how long she had been there, but Elizabeth did not have the energy or motivation to move from where she sat. She sat on the floor in front of the blackboard, hugging her legs to her chest, resting her head on her knees, and closing her eyes.
There was a knock at the door that was quickly followed by footsteps.
"Nathan?!" Elizabeth looked up, hopeful that she would get another opportunity to speak with him to try and explain.
There was a long sigh as the footsteps stopped and a voice answered, "No, it is Lucas. What is wrong? Why are you like this, Elizabeth? I have been looking all over for you. We have that reception at 7 p.m., and you are still here at the schoolhouse, looking... upset."
Elizabeth was embarrassed, as she had been caught by Lucas on the floor in a blubbering mess and calling out for Nathan. She struggled to pick herself up until, finally, Lucas held out his hand to offer support as she tried once more.
Elizabeth blushed as she looked down and smoothed her skirt.
"What do I say?" Elizabeth thought to herself as her mind raced to find the words to speak—to say something, anything.
"Should we sit and talk?" Lucas broke the awkward silence and asked as he gestured toward the student seats in front of them.
Elizabeth nodded, and the two walked over to the pews. She sat down and stared at her hands as she played with the ring on her finger. Lucas reached for her hand, but she quickly pulled it away and shook her head.
"What is it, Elizabeth? You are not acting like yourself." Lucas sat back as he studied her intently, puzzled by this behavior that he was observing.
Elizabeth took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Lucas, I'm not acting like myself because I haven't been myself lately."
Lucas furrowed his brows and asked, "What do you mean?"
"I left Hamilton years ago to come out here to Hope Valley to teach, and it became my home. The students and the community became my family. This town became my heartbeat." Elizabeth cautiously spoke.
She paused for a moment and looked around the schoolhouse as if remembering all the moments spent there over the years.
Elizabeth resolved quietly within her heart, "No, it isn't my time to go."
Elizabeth looked at Lucas intently as she spoke. "Lucas, you once said to me that love is not just an emotion but an act of will that can't be demanded or forced. I do love you, Lucas, but I do not love you enough to marry you and move away from Hope Valley. It is not the life I want for Little Jack. I am sorry to hurt and disappoint you, because that was not my intention.
Elizabeth took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before she continued.
"I have discovered today that it is better to be honest with ourselves than be in a marriage that could eventually develop resentments. I hope you understand." Elizabeth said it sincerely as she waited for Lucas to respond.
Lucas stood abruptly and paced the front of the schoolhouse for several moments before speaking. Then he turned towards Elizabeth with a mixture of hurt and frustration in his expression.
"Can I assume that this decision has to do with Nathan as well?" Lucas asked.
Elizabeth opened her mouth to protest his comment, but he spoke again before she could say a word.
"I am sorry for my behavior, Elizabeth. I am hurt and disappointed by your decision. But if I am being honest with myself, I have sensed that things have been off between us for a while now. Your heart has not been into the wedding planning like I thought it would be. And our desires are different, as we found out when we discussed the idea of a house." Lucas said as he sat and turned to face Elizabeth.
Elizabeth reached out and put her hand on Lucas' shoulder and said, "Lucas, you are a wonderful man, and there are so many remarkable things in store for you. I know you truly are destined for a larger stage, like Aunt Agatha stated during her visit."
Elizabeth removed her hand from Lucas' shoulder and moved her hands to her lap. She sat there speechless, staring at her hands and fidgeting with her ring.
Elizabeth sighed heavily, glancing back at Lucas, and said, "I know down the road, you will find a love who will be proud to go where you go and desire the same things as you. But Lucas, that is not me. And for that reason, I am truly sorry."
She looked intently at Lucas and reached out for his hand, and then she said, "Please know that the time that we spent together has meant the world to me. I will never forget it. You are the reason I became a published author. It is because of you that I could move on after Jack. You will always hold a special place in my heart."
Elizabeth released Lucas' hand and looked down at her hands. She inhaled and exhaled slowly for a few moments. Then Elizabeth removed her engagement ring and held it between her fingers. Finally, she handed it to Lucas.
Lucas sighed heavily before taking the ring from Elizabeth's grasp. He looked at it carefully, deep in thought, before he placed it in his vest pocket.
The two sat in silence, lost somewhere between their thoughts and emotions.
Eventually, Lucas stood and said, "Well, I have that reception that I really must get ready for. I need to do a few things beforehand. Will you be ok?"
Elizabeth looked up at him as he stood there, gave a subtle smile, and nodded. And with that, he turned and walked away. She released a long breath as she blankly stared around the classroom.
"I did the right thing. Hope Valley is my home, and these children are precious to me. I want Jack to be a part of this place. I want him to know where his father and I met and fell in love. I found myself here in Hope Valley. How could I have ever thought of abandoning it?" Elizabeth thought to herself as she stood and slowly strolled through the classroom.
Just then, another knock came at the door, and hopeful once again that it might be Nathan, Elizabeth quickly turned around. Rosemary walked over to her with a concerned look.
"Elizabeth? What is going on? Lucas stopped by the newspaper office and recommended that I come over here at once. Is everything all right?" Rosemary said as she stood in front of Elizabeth with her hands on her shoulders, searching her friend's face for any indication of what was going on, but Elizabeth seemed so stoic.
Elizabeth nodded and answered, "I am fine, Rosemary. But I am extremely glad that Lucas sent you over here. I need to ask a favor, if you would not mind."
"Of course, Elizabeth, anything that I can do to help. What do you need?" Rosemary responded.
Elizabeth gestured to the seats, and the two friends sat side by side. Rosemary waited while Elizabeth searched for the words to share the afternoon events.
"Rosemary, Nathan came here today and confronted me about what I wanted to do. I was still so lost in fear of disappointing everyone else that I denied my own feelings and I pushed him away with that lie. Rosemary, I absolutely fell apart after Nathan left, and it was then that I finally realized what he was trying to point out. When Lucas showed up, I told him that I do love him, but not enough to marry him and leave Hope Valley. I ended my engagement to him. This place, Hope Valley and all of you, is too much a part of me." Elizabeth said as she reached for her friend's hands and squeezed them.
Surprised by the news, Rosemary asked, "How did he take the news? He seemed pretty normal, considering when I saw him at the office."
"Lucas took it all right. He was slightly sarcastic at the beginning but then apologized, stating that things had been a little bit off for a while. I gave him back the ring too." Elizabeth said as she held up her hand to her friend.
They sat silently holding hands for a moment until Rosemary finally inquired, "Elizabeth, you mentioned that you needed a favor from me. What can I do for you?"
Elizabeth half-heartedly smirked at Rosemary and said, "I am not going to be ready to go home yet. Allie is watching Jack and should get home soon. Would you mind taking Jack home with you for dinner, and I will pick him up in a few hours? I am just not ready to be home or face anyone yet."
Rosemary knowingly smiled and patted her friend's hands, saying, "Of course I will watch Jack! In fact, I will have him help me with some little things for dinner. Do not worry; you take care of what you need to do."
They stood, and Elizabeth hugged her friend tightly as they embraced. Then, together, they walked arm in arm down the steps of the schoolhouse and hugged once more. Rosemary headed towards the rowhouses, while Elizabeth headed down the street and over to the library. On her way over, she glanced over at the jail and sighed heavily. There was so much she wanted to say, but she just could not. Not now, at least.
She opened the door to the library, turned the sign to closed, and locked the door behind her. When she turned around, her eyes immediately were drawn to the engraved plaque on the wall. "Always do what you are afraid to do. Ralph Waldo Emerson" Elizabeth walked closer to it and simply stated, repeatedly whispering the words to herself as she stood there gazing upon Nathan's fine craftsmanship.
"But am I brave enough? Has anything really changed since I lost Jack?" Elizabeth wondered to herself.
With that thought, Elizabeth turned and walked out to the library and over to the livery. She looked over at Newton's stall, noticed that he was not there, and let out a disappointed sigh. Then she walked over to Sargent and stroked him, whispering to him quietly.
"What do you say we go see Jack over at the cemetery for a little bit, boy?" She said this as she nuzzled his nose and saddled him up for a ride.
Once at the cemetery, she hitched Sergeant's reigns to a nearby tree and walked over to Jack's headstone.
"Hi again, Jack. Well, I have gotten myself in a situation yet again. I figured that you may be the best one to talk to." Elizabeth said as she looked around the cemetery for a moment.
She sighed, glancing back at the headstone, and continued.
"I ended my relationship with Lucas today. I gave him back the ring. Jack, I did not want what was starting to become his life, and I did not want to hold him back either. Aunt Agatha was right that remarkable things were going to happen to him." Elizabeth spoke as her eyes wandered around the empty cemetery.
It was so peaceful there, and she was thankful that she came to get her thoughts out in the open. Even if he wasn't there physically with her, Jack was always a great listener.
"Nathan came to the schoolhouse before I ended things with Lucas. Jack, I pushed him away again. This time because of my fear of what others would think if I did what I wanted to do. The conversation reminded me of something you said to me when I thought about going to Hamilton all those years ago. After he left, I broke down and finally realized that I could not go through with this change with Lucas. Surprisingly, Lucas took it as well as could be expected." Elizabeth said as she picked at the grass around the headstone.
Elizabeth looked up into the late afternoon sky, closed her eyes, and inhaled and exhaled the autumn air.
"Jack, what do I do? If I am being honest, I do care for Nathan more than I want to admit. He really is a good man. And he's a good friend; we have such ease with one another, especially since he has relaxed around me.
Nathan is an incredible father to his daughter Allie, too. You should see him with Little Jack too. Nathan is so good with him! I love watching the three of them interact with one another lately. Sometimes it makes me wonder what we could have been like." Elizabeth said as she reached out and touched the letters on the headstone.
"Jack, I am afraid to love Nathan the way I do. I cannot lose him like I lost you; it would hurt too much. But I noticed something the other day when I thought that he was in danger. I realized that Allie, a teenager, was far braver than I was. How do I get past this fear? How do I do what I am afraid to do if I feel so paralyzed by my own fear?" Elizabeth whispered out the words as tears streamed down her face.
A soft wind blew a leaf from the tree, and it landed in Elizabeth's lap. She caught her breath in surprise, but then picked it up by its stem and examined it closer. It had a golden-reddish color and the shape of a heart. Elizabeth held it close to her heart and closed her eyes.
Sergeant whinnied from where he stood at the tree nearby. Elizabeth opened her eyes, smiled, and said, "Thank you, Jack. You were always a good listener. I love you!"
Elizabeth kissed her hand, placing it on the headstone, before she stood and made her way over to Sergeant for the ride back. Before mounting the tall horse, Elizabeth opened the saddle bag and placed the fallen leaf inside.
By the time Elizabeth got back to the livery, it was about dark. She noticed that Newton was still gone.
"That is odd. I wonder where he could be at this hour." Elizabeth thought to herself.
When she returned home, she went to the Coulter's house first and knocked softly. Lee answered the door and informed Elizabeth that Rosemary took Jack back over to their own home to get ready for bed since Goldie had gone to bed earlier.
As Elizabeth quietly entered her home, Rosemary looked up from the book that she was reading on Elizabeth's sofa.
"Jack is upstairs asleep, and I was just waiting for you to come home. There is a covered plate on the stovetop for you. Go grab it, and we will sit at the table and have a little chat." Rosemary whispered as she gestured towards the kitchen.
Elizabeth gave her friend a grateful smile and followed her instructions. Rosemary poured two cups of chamomile tea and brought them over to the table. Then she sat across from Elizabeth.
"So, were you able to do everything that you had hoped to do this afternoon?" Rosemary inquired, waiting patiently for Elizabeth to answer.
Elizabeth gave Rosemary a shy smile and commented, "I guess so. I do feel confident that I made the right choice about Lucas."
Rosemary nodded and took a slow sip from her teacup. She looked at the cup that she had set back down onto her plate and started tracing the outer lip mindlessly, waiting for Elizabeth to answer.
Finally, she stopped tracing the cup and prodded her friend with more questions.
"Elizabeth, what about Nathan? What are you going to do about him? I have not said anything, but I have noticed how you have been with him lately. Are you sure that there is nothing there? That this is not one of the reasons that you were not ready to join Lucas in marriage or on his venture into politics?" Rosemary asked cautiously, watching her friend's reaction and wondering if she said too much.
Elizabeth sighed heavily and set her teacup down. "I am not sure how to answer you, Rosemary. Nathan is a dear friend whom I am very drawn to and who I care very deeply about. What that means exactly, I am still trying to figure that out."
Rosemary sat looking intently at her for several minutes, hesitant to say anything, remembering a couple of years ago. As the two friends sat in silence, there was a quiet knock at the door. They looked at one another, puzzled, but Elizabeth rose to go answer the door.
Allie stood at the doorway, and she shyly smiled at Elizabeth as she said, "Hi, Mrs. Thornton! I am sorry to stop by so late, but I was over at Opal's, and as we were getting ready for bed, I found Jack's Mountie in my bag. I wanted to get it back to you as soon as possible in case Jack wanted it when he woke up tomorrow."
Allie handed the toy Mountie over to Elizabeth, and she took it from the young girl. Elizabeth looked at the wooden toy that Nathan had given Little Jack a couple of years before and ran a hand slowly over the carefully carved features.
"Are you having a sleepover at Opal's tonight?" Elizabeth asked as she glanced back up at Allie.
Allie nodded her head and answered, "You could say that. My dad was called out for a job, following up on the situation with the farmers at Rock Creek and Eagle Creek. He will be gone until tomorrow afternoon, he said."
Elizabeth nodded her head, and the two chatted a few moments longer before saying goodbye. When she joined Rosemary again at the table, her friend reached out and touched her arm.
"I think that you know how you feel, but you need to face those feelings instead of running away from them." Rosemary said as she looked at her friend.
"You're right, Rosemary." Elizabeth said in response as she placed her own hand on Rosemary's hand. "Can I ask another favor of you? Could you watch Jack tomorrow afternoon? I think that I need to do something."
Rosemary smiled as she said, "Of course! Just drop him by as you get ready to go."
The two friends chatted as they finished their tea. Elizabeth walked Rosemary to the door, and they embraced one another.
"You'll be in my prayers, friend, but I do believe that you're on the right path." Rosemary said as she squeezed Elizabeth's hand and said, good night.
The next afternoon, Elizabeth went to the livery once she left her rowhouse. As she walked in, she immediately went into Newton's stall and took a seat on a hay bale that was in there.
Henry came in and saw Elizabeth sitting there, deep in thought, on the hay bale. "Oh Elizabeth, hello, I didn't realize that you were here. I'll let you be." Henry said as he went to turn and exit the stall.
"Henry, wait, please. I want to apologize for my behavior the other day. You came to me, and I just brushed you off because I was afraid to face what you had seen." Elizabeth said it with a look of regret.
Henry waved his hand at her and answered, "Elizabeth, we are old friends. We have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly over the years. I don't hold it against you at all. But something is different today. What has changed, if I may ask?"
Elizabeth smiled as she stretched her legs out before her and then commented, "I guess you could say the fog has lifted and I can see things clearly now. Henry, you were right when you came to me. Now, I am trying to muster the courage to do what I should have done two years ago."
Henry smiled and nodded as he sat down next to her on the hay bale. He turned to her as he put a tender hand on her shoulder and said, "You can do this, Elizabeth; I know you can. Don't allow the past to paralyze you. You've seen what it has done to me over the years. You and Nathan have a true chance, I believe."
"Thank you, Henry! You don't know how much your words truly mean to me." Elizabeth said as she smiled and hugged Henry tightly. Then they both rose and went to Sargent's stall to prepare for her ride.
Elizabeth rode Sargent with a renewed sense of fervor. She had to get to their log. Once it came into view, Elizabeth slowed Sargent, jumped off, and tied him to the tree nearby.
"Let things be different this time, God. Help me be braver than I have ever been before." Elizabeth silently prayed as she made the short trek to the log and took a seat on it.
Elizabeth's heart and mind were racing as she sat there listening to the rustling wind, reflecting on the past five years. She had never felt so sure and yet unsure about something in her lifetime.
And then she heard it—the hoof beats coming down the path from a distance. She took a deep breath, then released it and stood up from her spot on the log. And then she saw him, Nathan, appear on Newton coming down the road. Elizabeth smiled and timidly waved at Nathan.
Nathan's heart skipped a beat when he saw Elizabeth there at the log. The log where he confessed his love to her two years prior. The place where she first broke his heart when she said she couldn't love him and then rode off.
"Why, of all places, does she have to be here? I thought she was going forward with her marriage to Lucas and leaving Hope Valley." Nathan thought to himself.
He gave her a confused look but raised his gloved hand in response. As he drew closer, he jumped off and tied Newton to a tree close by. He took off his hat as he drew near where Elizabeth stood.
"Elizabeth, I am surprised to see you out here. Is everything all right? Can I help you with something?" Nathan asked as he glanced over at the log.
Elizabeth followed his gaze and then looked back at him, smirking. She shook her head and said, "No, you've already done enough."
Nathan was both confused and frustrated by the reply. He was tired of taking the blame for things when it came to her and Lucas. He pursed his lips, about to protest, but before he had a chance, Elizabeth continued.
"Nathan, let me explain. The other day, you asked me what I wanted. I was still so lost in a fog of sorts. You could say that it was a fog of other people's expectations. That fog did not lift until after you left upset, and then it suddenly dawned on me." Elizabeth said.
"Well, I am glad to have been of service, I guess. But you did not have to come all the way out here to tell me that." Nathan said, still a bit annoyed and confused at the reason for this visit at this specific location.
"I think I did." Elizabeth said as her eyes twinkled and her smile grew bigger. She walked slightly closer to him, closing the gap between them ever so slightly.
Nathan's heart and mind raced as she drew closer to him. She looked so beautiful standing there in her long coat, pants, and boots. And that smile that she wore as well was not the look of the same woman who fled from him two years ago from this place. It wasn't even the same look as the woman who stated she would marry Lucas and leave Hope Valley just a couple days prior.
"You see, I want something that has been there all along. The thing that has always been in my heart, but I have been too scared to recognize it." Elizabeth said as she watched Nathan's expression for his reaction.
"Ok, well, I am glad that you can recognize it now. So, are you still leaving with Lucas like you mentioned earlier?" Nathan asked, curious as to where Elizabeth was going with all of this. He knew what his heart was hoping for, but after the last couple of years, he did not want to assume anything anymore.
Elizabeth shook her head and responded, "No, because that is not what I want. I do not want to leave my life here in Hope Valley. I want Jack to be raised where his father and I found one another. My dream is that Jack grows up in the community that has helped raise him. I want to teach these children and help them find their place in this world. You helped me see all of that."
"I am happy that I could be of service." Nathan said as he searched her eyes, wondering if there was something else behind what she was saying.
Elizabeth stepped even closer to Nathan than before and said, "Nathan, I want something else too, but if I am being honest, I am scared as well."
Nathan swallowed hard, and his heart started pounding harder in his chest as he thought to himself, "Could this truly be possible?"
Elizabeth gazed into Nathan's eyes and said with intensity, "Nathan, I want you. I love you. You are and always have been in my heart, but I have been too afraid to see it. I saw and felt it so clearly these past couple of days. I was reminded after you left the schoolhouse the other day to always do what I was afraid to do. This loving you scares me."
Elizabeth took Nathan's hat and set it aside on the ground. She reached out for his hands at that point and took them in her own, giving them a gentle squeeze as she did.
"But Nathan, I don't want to live this life without allowing myself to love you. I remembered a conversation I had with Katie Yost before Ned and Florence's wedding. I told her back then that life would always have its uncertainties. If we shrink back from the things that may bring us hurt, then our greatest risk is possibly never experiencing our greatest joy. Nathan, I am afraid, but I am doing what I should have done two years ago. I'm fighting for our love instead of running away from it. Is there a chance with us still?" Elizabeth tenderly said, seeking Nathan's blue eyes as she did.
Nathan stood speechless for several moments, shocked at the words that he had just heard from Elizabeth. It was the words that he had longed to hear for so long but had come to accept that he never would.
Although the words did not come immediately, he stood there, gazing into her blue eyes. Slowly, he circled his thumbs on top of her hands as he had at the Yosts bachelor/bachelorette party. Elizabeth gazed down at the gesture and grinned from ear to ear at the memory.
"Nathan, we were meant to be, like Fiona's game showed us two years ago. I was just so scared to admit it. Despite my fears, even now, I am ready to fight through them for us. Is there still a chance?" Elizabeth whispered.
Nathan took a deep breath, looked up, and then closed his eyes. He released his breath and shook his head as he did. As he opened his eyes, he looked intently at Elizabeth with his crystal blue eyes and met her searching gaze.
"My love for you has never changed, Elizabeth." Nathan answered barely above a whisper, tears forming in his eyes.
Tears formed in Elizabeth's eyes as well, and she smiled brightly at Nathan as she said, "That is all I needed to hear."
Elizabeth reached up her left hand to Nathan's cheek, holding his gaze as she drew inches away from his face. She could feel his warm breath on her face, and she couldn't stand it one moment longer. Elizabeth pressed her lips against Nathan's sending sparks throughout her entire body. Their kiss was a mixture of sweetness and tenderness, along with passion. The pair embraced, allowing their feelings to finally be expressed.
When they broke apart from their kiss, they held one another's faces in their hands. They gazed into one another's misty eyes. Nathan smiled tenderly and quietly said, "You know, this won't be easy."
Elizabeth chuckled and responded, "No, but we are in it together, and I know now that we will always fight through it together." Nathan smiled in return and wrapped Elizabeth in a warm hug. Her head lay against his chest, and he rested his head on the top of her head as he rubbed her back and stroked her hair. They both closed their eyes as they smiled, praying a quiet prayer of thanks for what was to come.
