Trigger Warning- Mention of miscarriage/infertility and domestic violence.
Beta- mamareadstomuch2
Leah
What should have been a normal day at work for me had suddenly taken a horrible turn as the text from Sam appeared.
Why are you so fucking crazy? I can't stand you, Leah. You ruin every day and I'm so tired of it.
I knew I shouldn't have texted him. He had such a short fuse and I never knew what would set him off. It wasn't horrible at first, he was kind and gentle. Then the small comments started. I couldn't do anything right. He'd lash out and then apologize. But these days once he got started, he never knew when to stop. I had only asked if we could go out tonight because we hadn't been out together for a few months. When he said no, I'd asked why he didn't want to. That was what set him off today.
I'm really sorry, Sam. We don't have to go anywhere.
I knew deep down that I had nothing to apologize for, but it was easier to apologize than to defend myself and make it worse.
It's always something with you, Leah. You always have something to bitch about.
He couldn't stand being asked to do something he didn't want to do and I knew that. It was a stupid idea. I didn't respond immediately and he texted me again.
I fucking hate you. I wish we'd never gotten married. I don't know why you expect to be taken out when you can't even do the simplest things right. You're worthless.
I dropped the patient chart that was in my hand and ran to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and sank down to the floor. Thankfully, we had a private bathroom for employees in the back of the practice.
Sam used to be such a good man. We'd been together since we were kids and he had always been so sweet to me. We were voted most likely to be married in middle school and were prom king and queen our senior year. Our relationship had been magical, almost too good to be true. Until it wasn't.
Two years after we graduated high school, Sam proposed. We were married six months later on the beach with the most intimate ceremony. My dad had officiated and my mom walked me down the aisle. Sam was the man of my dreams. We spent one more year living in bliss after the ceremony before our luck ran out.
I found out I was pregnant when I got sick at work. I was checking a patient's vitals when I caught the smell of her floral perfume. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to vomit. I remember being so humiliated and my coworker insisting I take a test.
"Leah, you never get sick." Rosalie chimed. "You need to take a test. I bet you're pregnant."
I wanted to hate Rosalie. She was a Cullen, and the council had warned us to keep our distance from them. I didn't believe what the old men on the rez said about her, but I tried to respect my dad's wishes anyway. Working with her made it hard, though, because she was so much like me. Or rather, she was a reminder of the person I used to be before. Strong, sassy, and confident. We were best friends in no time.
I took the test at Rosalie's insistence and it was positive. I was elated. I ran straight home to tell Sam, and he was just as overjoyed as I was. Until six weeks later when we went to our first ultrasound appointment and there was no heartbeat.
I badgered Sam until he'd try again. We hadn't been trying the first time, but after our loss I wasn't sure if I wanted a baby or if I just wanted to prove to myself I could have one.
Sam was hesitant. He didn't seem as hurt as I was over our loss, and a part of me resented him for it. He said he was scared of what another loss would do to me. I pushed the issue until he relented and gave me what I wanted.
I wish I had listened to him. Once I convinced him we had to keep trying, we didn't stop. There are times that I can't get the words out of my head.
I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat.
Your levels have dropped.
Your pregnancy isn't viable.
There's no heartbeat.
There's no baby present on the ultrasound.
You'll need a D and C, the baby has passed away.
So many variations of the same thing. Loss after loss, we kept trying. With each one I experienced, a little more of Sam faded until there was nothing left of the man that used to love me so much.
Sam really snapped after the last pregnancy. I had a D and C scheduled, but I didn't make it to my appointment. I woke up the night before with heavy bleeding and he had to rush me to the hospital. I needed a blood transfusion by the time they got me into surgery. Sam hadn't even came in to the hospital with me. He carried me in, put me in a wheelchair, and went back out to the car. I went through the entire terrifying ordeal of emergency surgery alone. He wasn't even there to hold my hand as I cried in pain through my grief.
He was sitting by the bed when I woke up though, he looked furious. No trace of the man I'd known my whole life was on his face. This was a stranger.
"I'm so sorry, Sam. I'm sorry we lost this baby."
I knew it wasn't my fault that the baby died, but it felt like it was. I felt like my body was betraying me. I blamed myself.
He shook his head. "You don't understand how I'm feeling, and you're not fucking sorry. You have been obsessed with having a baby, and you've never asked me how I feel. You almost died this time, Leah. When will it stop?"
I felt hot tears streaming down my cheeks. Sam resented me for not being able to carry his baby, but I couldn't fault him for that. He couldn't possibly hate my body more than I did.
"I'm sorry I can't give you a baby." I choked out.
He stood up and ran his hands through his hair. He gripped the side of the hospital bed roughly and leaned in close to me, but there was only hatred in his eyes. The loving gaze I'd always seen before was long gone.
"I'm done, Leah. We aren't fucking doing this anymore. I've lost twelve children too, and I'm done."
I felt like the breath had been knocked out of me. Sam was all I'd ever known and all I had ever wanted was to have a child with him. The perfect life I'd imagined would never come to be.
"Sam, please don't leave me." I begged. "I am so sorry. We don't have to try again."
His hardened expression softened. "I'll never leave you, Leah. You're the love of my life. I just can't keep going like this."
He held my hand tightly and comforted me as I cried.
That was the last time I saw any love from Sam and it was over five years ago. The losses were equally as traumatic for him as they were for me. He started drinking and staying out late. He was angry all the time. He eventually started working for the council after his day job, so I saw him even less. I'd asked him dozens of times what he did for them, but he wouldn't explain. My dad wouldn't either, they just gave me cryptic answers.
Nobody knew how bad my relationship was with Sam except for Rosalie. We worked next to each other every day, and she had found me amid more panic attacks than I was willing to admit. She was understanding with my infertility too, since she had been through the same thing with Emmett.
I knew Sam and I weren't good for each other, not anymore. But he was all I'd ever known and the thought of losing him sent me into full blown, inconsolable panic.
I tried to even my breathing. I reached in my pocket for my prescription bottle. Rosalie's dad had given me a prescription for anxiety medication after she found out I'd gone four days without being able to calm down enough to eat or sleep. I had one pill to take daily and one for attacks like this. I grabbed a cup from under the sink and ran some water into it to take my pill with. I was too ashamed to look at myself in the mirror. My face was red and blotchy from the tears. I pulled my hair back and sat back down on the floor waiting for the pill to kick in.
I was starting to calm down again when I heard the door push open and my panic returned. I knew it wasn't a patient and silently prayed it was Rosalie, but it wasn't.
Embry Call was the new resident at the hospital, and he was working a rotation in our clinic. He had been two years behind Sam and I in school and I'd seen him around the rez before but we had barely ever spoken. I hadn't seen him since before he left for med school. His features were so similar to Sam's, it was like looking at a younger, kinder version of my husband. He didn't say anything, but my eyes stayed locked on his for what felt like eternity.
"Leah, I'm sorry, the door was open." He stuttered. He reached a hand out to me and I took it. I felt a spark as our hands met that I hadn't felt since I first held Sam's hand when we were sixteen. I pushed the feelings aside and pulled myself up.
"Don't apologize, I'm the one that forgot to lock it. Sorry you're seeing me like this."
I was humiliated. He was the new resident and he had already seen me at my lowest.
"Are you okay?" He asked me. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
Kindness and consideration weren't things I'd felt from a man for a very long time. I was the villain in Sam's life, and he reminded me every single day.
I shook my head. "I better go grab my patient. I'm sorry about this."
"Don't ever apologize for having feelings, Leah. Our line of work is really hard, give yourself some credit."
There was a dazzle in his eyes that made my heart swell, but the moment was fleeting and I felt guilty for feeling something for someone other than Sam.
I nodded at Embry and sped back to the nurses station. Rosalie was smirking at me with my patient's file in her hand.
"New guy's pretty hot isn't he?" She teased.
I stuck my tongue out at her. "Careful blondie, wouldn't want Emmett to find out you've got it for Embry."
I joked with Rosalie, but what I meant was that I didn't want Sam to find out. I had to get away from Embry Call, before I was the one falling for him.
Sometimes I wished Rosalie wasn't a Cullen. The Cullen's couldn't come to the rez, which meant that every time we had a family dinner I had to suffer through it without the one person that knew who Sam really was.
Sam had my family fooled. My parents adored him. We had adopted my cousin Emily when her parents were killed in a car accident, and she was raised as a sister beside Seth and I. Sam had been especially nice to her since he started working for the council, which is when our relationship had started to really go downhill. It hurt to see him be so kind to her while he was cruel to me, especially since he wasn't interested in her when things were still good with us.
I think that Seth knew more about Sam than he had let on, but he'd never say it. The two of them mostly avoided each other, and I didn't know who's choice that was. Maybe it was a little of both.
These dinners were never easy to get through. Sometimes Sam would even exchange pleasantries with me in front of them, but as soon as they left the walls between us came back up. I had tried to get out of this one, but Seth insisted I come. He had invited someone to come with him tonight, which was a first for him.
Seth and I had always been close. Sam always went right back to work after our miscarriages, but Seth stayed by my side through every single one. The last time I'd pushed him away, but he'd shown up the day he knew Sam was going back to work with candy and movies and held me while I cried.
We had barely spoken over the last few weeks, though. Seth had just started working for the council. I hated how cryptic and secretive their work was, but I tried to stay out of it. The council that employed my husband and brother despised my best friend.
Dinner was at our house, and when I got home to prepare Emily's car was already there. She was standing in my kitchen clutching my husband's arm while the two of them laughed. I slammed the door behind me so they'd know I was there, and Sam glared at me when I interrupted their moment. Emily looked at me innocently as always. I didn't think she'd betray me, but I didn't know what to expect from Sam anymore.
"Hi, Leah!" She squealed as she ran over to hug me. I didn't offer to hug her back. "How was your day?"
At least she pretended to care. Emily never spoke to me outside of these dinners.
"Good. I got invited to the annual charity gala in Port Angeles." I was hoping that Sam would offer to join me if I mentioned it in front of the family, but I knew not to expect much anymore.
She smiled at me. "That's so exciting! Is Sam going with you?"
I was grateful to her for being the one to put him on the spot so I wouldn't have to. We both turned to him expectedly.
"When is it?" He asked, feigning interest. This would be his out.
"Next Saturday night." I replied.
He scoffed. "I'm surprised they invited a nurse."
This was new. He hadn't ever insulted my profession in front of my family, though he never held back in private.
"Most of the staff in my clinic was invited." I replied. "We were all given an additional ticket for a plus one, but it's fine if you don't want to come."
I held my breath for a minute, hoping my old Sam would come through. Just once I wanted to show off the husband I used to have to all of my colleagues, especially Embry.
"Was Dr. Cullen the one to invite you?"
I bit my tongue hard to avoid saying something I'd regret in front of Emily.
"My clinic was invited. They didn't specify who the invitation was coming from." I lied.
He sighed deeply. "Leah, will you join me in our bedroom for a moment? I'd like to talk with you privately. Emily, make yourself at home. We'll only be a moment."
I didn't have an excuse not to go, so I slipped my coat off and hung it on the coat rack by our door. I pulled out my phone and quickly texted Seth to hurry before I walked down the hallway.
Sam put his hand on my back as he led me to our room. This was the most contact I got out of him, when they were here.
I knew better than to speak first, but I was angry. He was embarrassing me in front of Emily, and she had no reason to be here with him without me.
"What the hell is she doing here without me, Sam?" I demanded. "She's never come early before."
He chuckled darkly. "You think you can tell me who to invite to my house?" His hand moved to my throat. "She's your sister, and you're accusing me of sleeping with her?"
I didn't respond. Hot tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks. He let go of my throat and slapped my face hard.
"You need to learn your place, Leah. You won't disrespect me in my own house, or anyone I invite here. I won't stand for dishonesty either. You're going to this gala with Rosalie, aren't you?"
I didn't answer and he slapped me again. I sobbed, but his expression didn't change.
"Those Cullens are disgusting and so are you for associating with them. Go to your gala but do not insult me by asking me to go anywhere with them again." He started to walk out the door and looked back at me. "Clean yourself up before your family gets here."
I'd known Sam didn't love me anymore for a long time, but this solidified it for me.
My family didn't know this, but Sam and I actually didn't share a bed anymore. When I came home from work he'd tell me I smelled like Rosalie and that he'd burn our sheets if I laid in them. I moved into the guest room, but right now we were in his bedroom. I knew not to touch his bed, so I slipped out of his room and into my room next door. I sank down on the bed and sobbed. I knew my family would be here soon and I needed to pull myself together, but I couldn't. I didn't care anymore.
I would've sent a text to Rosalie if I had my phone, but I'd left it in my coat. They had a spare bedroom that I'd stayed in a time or two, and tonight would be one of the nights that I did that.
Even though I knew my brother knew more then he let on, I had to be careful what I said to him. He worked for the council, but his primary job was as a cop in Forks. He wouldn't hesitate to arrest Sam if he knew of the physical abuse that was taking place now.
I heard a soft knock at my door after awhile. "LeeLee? It's me, open up." Seth said.
I sat up and pulled on a hoodie to cover any redness on my neck. It wasn't even cold in my house, but I didn't want Seth to notice.
I opened the door and Seth's guest was standing next to him. Embry Call.
"What the hell is he doing here?" I whispered to Seth.
He rolled his eyes and pushed me into the room. Embry followed him, and shut the door behind them.
Seth sat down on the bed, but Embry stood by the door. Embry stared at me with a blank expression. I wished I knew what he was thinking. First he'd found me crying in the bathroom, now in the guest bedroom of my home. He probably thought I was crazy.
Seth grabbed my hand. "Why did you tell me to hurry, Leah? Did he hurt you?"
I started to cry again and shook my head. "I can't, Seth. Why would you ask me this in front of Embry? I don't even know him."
Seth squeezed my hand tighter. "Leah, I'd never bring anyone to your house that we can't trust. Embry works with me. For the council."
"Which means he also works with Sam." I said. I couldn't trust anyone that was friends with Sam with the details of our relationship.
Seth shook his head. "Sam is a supervisor of sorts. We report to Jacob Black, not Sam."
This was news to me. I didn't even know who worked for the council, or what they did.
"She deserves to know, Seth." Embry insisted.
Seth growled at him. I'd never heard a man growl before. "It's not up to me. You know I'd tell her if I could."
I heard footsteps and they both stopped talking. It was Sam. He knocked lightly on the door before peeking his head in. I wiped the tears from my eyes quickly.
"Everything good in here, sweetheart?" He asked with a faked kindness. "Your parents are here, they're asking for you."
Seth answered for me. "We're all good in here, thanks."
Sam didn't appreciate curt answers. I worried about what he'd say to me when they left. If he knew they knew anything, he'd hurt me. I knew he would.
"Ready to join us, then?" He smiled. He reached his hand out and I knew what he meant. I stood from the bed and grabbed it. We were halfway down the hall when Sam turned back to Embry. "You're a doctor, right? Leah has horrible allergies. It's why her eyes are so watery all the time in the house. We can't figure out what triggers it."
Embry saw through Sam's facade, but he didn't call him out. "I'll tell Dr. Cullen about it tomorrow. I'm sure he can help her with her problem."
I knew what he was saying, but Sam didn't seem to understand the double meaning. Embry was telling me the Cullen's could help me escape my situation. He didn't know I'd never leave, even if the perfect opportunity presented itself. The man I loved was still in there, behind the hard exterior. This man that hurt me wasn't Sam. He was traumatized. He could get better. I had to keep my faith that things wouldn't always be this way between us.
My parents loved Embry. They beamed over the work he was doing with Seth for the council, but still didn't go in to detail about what he did. They offered Sam the same praise. Nobody ever discussed my work at the hospital, but we talked about Seth's work as a cop every week.
Seth hugged me extra tight before he left at the end of the night. He and Embry were the last two to go. After they walked out the door I expected Sam to be waiting angrily. Instead, he was grabbing his truck keys and jacket and heading for the door.
"Where are you going so late?" I wondered.
His hate filled eyes met mine. "Working overnight for the council. I'll see you tomorrow, Leah."
A part of me wanted to follow him and see for myself what it was that he did, but I didn't. I went straight to my bedroom, plopped down on my bed, and cried myself to sleep.
